Category: Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto

| Filed under Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, Scurry '16

In democracy, machines count for something

Letting machines take over our elections means that people who protest the results will look less crazy and more like John Connor.
Letting machines take over our elections means that people who protest the results will look less crazy and more like John Connor.

Good news, everyone, about the recount in Wisconsin! … No, not that. He probably still won. But! The recount should prove that, when (not “if”) the machines take over, they’re even better at democracy than we are. So, the singularity shouldn’t be a totalitarian dictatorship!

For all the worries about human error in vote counting and machines screwing up, four election experts believe that the Wisconsin recount will prove two things: (1) we’re better at counting votes than we think, and (2) machines are better than us at it and, therefore democracy.

Previous recounts show a 0.28 percent discrepancy in hand-counted votes, while computer-counted votes only had a 0.17 percent discrepancy. And even when the machines screw up, it’s mostly when a human factor interrupts the computer process, like a human logging computer counts incorrectly on a pen and ink form.

So, if we really want a more representative government, then perhaps it’s time to throw out the factor that keeps (minutely) screwing it up: humans.

| Filed under Booze News, Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto

♪ ♫ 01100010 double-01100101 double-01110010 01110101 01101110, beer run ♪ ♪

Self-driving semis? This could never go wrong.
Self-driving semis? This could never go wrong.

If anyone owes alcohol for their entire purpose, it’s Uber. Before Uber, we used to actually choose some unfortunate human sacrifice to nurse a beer all night, endure all of our drunken antics and then, as if that wasn’t bad enough, drive our drunk asses home. Or, more often than not, we’d take a cab — but what’s the fun of riding in an appropriately licensed capacity van when you can dogpile into the back of some rando’s Nissan Sentra?

So, it’s no surprise that Uber would lead the charge to make robots not only drive us to booze, but to drive booze to us.

Uber-owned robotics company, Otto, just delivered 2,000 cases of Budweiser in a robotically self-driven semi truck pulling a 53-foot trailer. The robotic tractor-trailer traveled 120 miles with no human assistance, just an observer for safety and tracking.

We may have had our misgivings about robots in the past, but when they bring us a beer, then they can’t be that bad, right?

| Filed under Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

Scientists teach robot to hunt, edge us toward Judgment Day

We don’t need to tell you that the world is full of evil, and by “evil,” we mean scientists. And those evildoers are actively working to enslave humanity by training killer robots. That’s not paranoia, they’re actually doing it.

Researchers taught a robot to hunt prey. It should come as no surprise that these scientists hail from the war-hungry nation of Switzerland. They programmed the robot to track its “prey,” a human-controlled robot. So not only will the machines be able to hunt us down, they will know to take out the robots we use to combat them.

This is unquestionably the most flagrant effort to doom humanity yet.

| Filed under Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, Tokyoh-no!, War on Robots

Japanese have robot pets, doom us all

Look, a lot of weird news comes out of Japan. It makes sense that only the oddest of news would come all the way from over there. They probably only get the weirdest American news, which of course comes from Florida. But why is it that in Japan, it’s always about robots?

Sony has a line of artificial intelligence robot dogs, which is creepy enough. They can develop their own personalities and probably don’t need to be walked. But now, some people are so attached to their fake dogs that when they break, they mourn, and hold a funeral because they believe the robots have souls.

Folks, robots are like pitbulls, they can make OK pets, but never turn your back on them. We shouldn’t be getting emotionally attached to these things, we should be celebrating our ability to make complicated robots that break long before they can be a serious threat. Robot funerals should consist of nothing other than tossing them in molten metal.

| Filed under Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, War on Robots

Japan wants to hasten the robot uprising

Japan’s population is shrinking. It’s one of the few countries that can say this. While they are doing their part to avoid overpopulating the world, it’s also a bad thing, because someone needs to take care of all the old people.

So Japanese researchers came up with a very Japanese way to solve the problem: more robots. They said in a white paper that robots could even be applied to agriculture and construction jobs, because everyone wants robots in charge or your food or making cat calls at you when you walk by.

Does Japan ever have good ideas?

| Filed under Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, War on Robots

It only takes one triple word score to initiate WW3

People, we’re warning you now: we are the precipice of the fall of man. Students at Carnegie Mellon University have created a robot that plays Scrabble, and it will be the end of us all.

Victor the cybernetic mistake robot  has been programmed to play Scrabble, but only at an average level. The thought is that if Victor plays too well, then no one will want to play again.

Except, well, there’s one part of Victor that we should point out:

“When he’s losing, he’s cranky, and when he’s cranky, he’s very sarcastic and trash talks a lot,” says Professor Simmons.

We are only one temper tantrum away from nukes being launched. Shut. It. Down.

| Filed under Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto

Welcome to the flowery skies of Detroit

Do you live in Detroit? If so, may God have mercy on you. If you’re still living in Detroit, do you like flowers?

Because now you have a chance of having your flowers, those items designed to warm your heart, delivered by the cold, metallic hands of a drone.

IT’S LIKE PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO CREATE THE WORLD OF ROBOCOP!

| Filed under Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, War on Robots

When life gives you urine, make robots

"Low ... power ... Need .. more ... urrrrrrrr ..."
“Low … power … Need .. more … urrrrrrrr …

If it weren’t for urine, life would certainly suck for the Bristol Robotics Laboratory.

We should explain that.

The lab originally developed the EcoBot, which runs on the corpses of insects that it traps. This seemed like a practical idea … to anyone who hasn’t wasted $6 on a Venus Flytrap, only to see it dead in a week. There just aren’t enough flies to keep it running, not even if you design the robot’s collection nozzle or whatever to look like the eye of one of those starving kids from the Sally Struthers ads.

(Tangent: What happened to those kids? Were they fed to the Sarah McLachlan dogs, or are they all working tech support now?)

So, they developed an alternate fuel after what we assume was a very fun night out on the town: urine. Not just urine, but urine pumped through an artificial heart. And all it took was one scientist saying he had to pee so bad that his blood smelled like lager and asparagus. We assume, anyway.


Special thanks to Patrick H. for bringing this to our attention!

| Filed under Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, War on Robots

Why, science?! WHY?!

"What are you screaming for? We taught him to do that while you were in the bathroom."
“What are you screaming for? We taught him to do that while you were in the bathroom.”

According to NBC News, “Robots can learn to hold knives — and not stab humans.” The Guys have only one word to respond to today’s Headline of the Day: unlikely.

What? You had a stronger word? It’s plausible that robots might not stab humans just because they’re holding knives. They could merely slice, eviscerate, decapitate, or puncture humans.

Cornell University robot developers devised a new training method that simplifies the robot training process so that you don’t need 10 advanced degrees to tell Data that you prefer your sandwiches cut diagonally, not straight across. Among the sample tasks was teaching a cashier robot not to stab people with the knives it was ringing up.

And you know what the next step will be: putting all those human cashiers out of work who can’t ring up a Ginsu without tempering the blade in customer guts. To which we say, those sociopaths have to eat, too, Cornell, and you just dook deir jorbs.