Cyberdyne and HAL: two great tastes in robotics to destroy humanity

We’ve talked about Cyberdyne, the Japanese company of the future present, before here on SG. It’s been quite some time since their name was uttered on our website, but it seems they’re at it again.

What was once used exclusively for old people is now being sent in the direction of disaster response: specifically for first responders of nuclear accidents.

Somehow, using HAL suits manufactured by Cyberdyne for nuclear matters makes the science nerd in cringe and fear for the future.

Keeping the robots stupid so they can’t rise up

A robot has been trained to write calligraphy just as a human would, and to no one’s surprise, this experiment happened in Japan. Researchers at Keio University have developed what they call the motion copy system, which allows a robot to identify, store and recreate complicated brush strokes.

Fortunately, no one does calligraphy anymore but street vendors, thanks to the rise of movable type, and of course desktop publishing. Perhaps training robots to do things we no longer do is just the thing to keep them busy and a few decades behind us.

Here’s what we’d like to see them taught how to do next:

  • Read ticker tape
  • Operate a fax machine
  • Adjust the television’s rabbit ears
  • Rewind tapes in VCRs
  • Develop film
  • Make our girlfriends mix tapes

Support Your Local World Conqueror

We at SG give more than our fair share of (deserved) flack towards Japan. But it’s okay. They’ve officially made up for it.

A group of Japanese hobbyists have made working mechs that can be piloted by humans. And they can be yours for the low, low price of 1.3 million dollars.

The way we look at it, we only need around 3 of them. That’s a scant 3.9 million dollars, but let’s make it an even 4. We know that you fabulous and sensational people can help us out with the fundraising for this. By doing so, we will make sure that every person who contributes will not be trampled upon in our glorious path for world domination.

Don’t hesitate. Do it. Do it now.

This is why we will never win the War On Robots

Scientists at the University of Tokyo’s Ishikawa Oku Laboratory have invented a robot that never loses at Rock, Paper, Scissors. (Or “Roshambo,” if you were raised by wolves.) The Janken robot cannot be bargained or negotiated with or fooled by doing that little trick where you start to make scissors and then flatten your palm out, middle and index fingers last.

You can’t cheat this machine with your human brain, because its computer brain is doing the exact same thing, just faster. It watches your hand and then reacts a millisecond later, appearing to make its selection simulataneously with you. In other words, you were right: your older brother is a cyborg.

The war against the machines may not have been over before it started. Just so immediately after it that it seems like it.

He went to Amsterdam, and all I got was this lousy computer virus

For those of you who have been eagerly awaiting to have sex with a robot, there is now a projected date to mark on your calendar: 2050. That’s according to two Victoria University researchers, “Management professor Ian Yeoman, a futurist with an interest in tourism, and sexologist Michelle Mars.”

The two published a paper in the journal Futures, “Robots, Men And Sex Tourism,” in which they theorize a sex club in Amsterdam named Yub-Yum will offer up flawless android prostitutes to Red Light District tourists. Moreover, they believe that the 10,000 Euro encounters will be guilt- and disease-free as the customers have technically not cheated on their real-life partners and the machines will be routinely hosed down and made of a bacteria-resistant material.

What has not been accounted for is when the androids are retired after years of unspeakable service. That’s where The Guys’ moonlighting services as futurists come in: Blade Runner Camp. (Patent: us.)

We think not, robot

The robot uprising will still probably come someday, but it won’t come from Canada.

The Canucks have lost interest in the sinful ways of robotic science, and thus, have canceled their national robot competition. We’re sure the games included slap shots, figure skating, Bryan Adams karaoke and battles of the death. It’s a shame young Canadians won’t have the chance to see all the evil that these things can do when under our control, then extrapolate what happens when they become self-aware.

Fourth rule of robotics: never harm your drama coach

Japan is really pushing this robot thing to new extremes — now it’s encroaching upon the entertainment industry.

The robot Gemini F, which can been seen “acting” in the video in the link, was part of a short play called Sayonara, which was controlled by a team of people off-stage. It’s not exactly the best acting, and according to the actors, it was plenty difficult to work with. Robot divas are such a pain.

Remember people, just because the Uncanny Valley is just over the hill doesn’t mean we need to rush over to cross said hill.

B-Bee: New celebrity trainwreck?

Autobot/bitchin’ Camaro Bumblebee, or B-Bee as he’s known to friends on the L.A. night scene, crashed into a police SUV while on set in Washington D.C. for Transformers 3.

The victim was DC Police Bomb Squad vehicle reporting to the site of a suspicious package. While crossing through an intersection, the intoxicated or even high on nitrous B-Bee T-boned the valiant cruiser before it could save innocent lives.

We haven’t bothered to follow-up on the terrorism story or whatever, but B-Bee’s nose was smashed in and may require surgery/rehab.

Rise of the rat robots

If you have read us at all, you are well-informed about the threat animals pose to civilization. And if you’ve watched or read just about any piece of science fiction in the past 150 years, you know that science is bad. What’s worse is when animals and science combine.

We’re not talking about animal scientists, that’s just silly. Instead, we’re talking about a robot with the brain of a rat. At the University of Reading, England, scientists took rat brain cells and hooked them up to robots, and apparently, their scheme has worked. The robots can avoid walls.

Sure, it may not mean much now, but in a few years, they’ll start putting guns on these things, and no one will be safe from these animal cyborgs.

[via @JesseNewhart]