Category: Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto

You are not alone

Ever wanted a carbon copy of yourself to introduce to your friends or use as a body double so you can sneak out of work early? Well, you aren’t the only one, it would seem. If you live in Japan, you can totally cash in on your dream thanks to department store operators Sogo & Seibu.

These mechanical robots are part of a promotion in Japan and will be built by robotics company Kokoro, who are famous for their receptionist robots. There are only two twins available, but seeing as they run 20.1 million yen ($223,000 each), they might not find any takers right off the bat, despite how reasonable that actually sounds. On the other hand, they’ll model the robot’s speech after your voice so you can actually talk to yourself.

Having heard my voice record, I’m not sure if that’s a good thing.

Robot insects are coming to spy on you

You think we’re making this whole “War on Animals” thing up? We’re not. We are just connecting the dots for you, not so much like Glenn Beck, because we don’t get all weepy, but more like Lou Dobbs, because we stand firm in our anti-animal beliefs.

Then this s&$% happens.

Discovery News tells us in this far-too-brief blog post that the military is creating cyborg beetles to act as spies. And yes, that is the greatest sentence ever written, thank you for asking. Cyborg. Beetles. Scientists can now control the flight of some beetles with electrodes stimulating the bug’s brain. OK, that’s the greatest sentence ever written.

Robofish are here, and they are watching you

We often think that science will show us new ways to defeat our enemies, but we forget that in science, as with any industry, there are those who are hellbent on destroying the righteous cause. Today, we find some such scientists at MIT.

There, they are creating a school of robotic fish for no other purpose than to kill humans–other than to inspect oil and natural gas pipelines that are deep underwater. The robofish will go places that submarines can’t, and look totally normal to other fish.

Wait a minute, maybe this is a way at spying on fish. Maybe MIT is planning to make these into fish terminators!

(Courtesy of Toni A.)

Robot needs food badly

Then you know what? It can die.

Please don’t hurt me!

So this is how the worlds, eh? By our own hand. A technology company has managed to create the world’s first “eating” robot.
Right now, it looks like the biomass it “converts” is limited to “green” plant matter, but I’m sure we’ll see future models that can consume fruits, animal carcasses, small animals, human corpses, civillians, enemy soldiers. . .

Don’t worry, though; this project is sponsored by the US Department of Defense, so it can’t possibly go far from wrong.

Moving left at start does not compute

Great. We are SO boned now. First step, Atari games, next step, the enslavement of humanity. Or our eradication. Whichever our robot overlords feel up to once they assume control.

At Rutgers University, a robot has learned how to play Pitfall for the Atari. Thanks to the university’s Object-Oriented Markov Decision Processes, the AI tries then tries again until it knows how to do something. Also, it dances.

Imagine what happens when it applies this knowledge to killing the human race?

Giant robot to fight for America’s freedom, not actually all that giant

A man in America is constructing his own gargantuan piloted robot, no doubt to repel an invasion by nefarious foreign powers with their own mechanized monstrosities. And by foreign power, I totally am talking about Japan.

U.S. Army mechanic Carlos Owens put his skills to good use, developing freedom’s last hope since 2004, starting from a scale model made of wood and later moving up to cold, unfeeling metal. America’s defender is powered by a complex (but freedom-infused) network of hydraulic cables and cylinders, and stands 18 feet tall.

18 feet might not sound like much compared to the nearly 60-foot-tall Gundam at Odaiba, but Owens’ masterpiece possesses several key advantages even at this early stage. That complex (freedom-infused) hydraulic network allows the machine to move its arms and bend its knees, allowing it an unsurpassed degree of agility. So far we only observed the Gundam twisting its head, likely to gaze across the seas at its rival. Advantage: no one, since nothing is complete.

Clearly, the next step would be to place “Neo” before every country’s name, and flee to space. Everything after that will be epic.

ALL YOUR STUDENTS ARE BELONG TO US … OFFICIALLY

A couple months ago, Japan made plans to bring Saya, the robot teacher, to their classrooms.

The end war has begun.

The Japanese government, by 2015 it expects every household in Japan to have it’s own robot. To help facilitate this, they’ve now poured nearly $35 million into development of artificial intelligence and design. So, with any (bad) luck, we’ll start seeing the mass production. Of course, this could will lead to an eventual robot invasion–or it might just put a few humans out of work–but given that I already work for corporate overlords that often already emotions akin to a robot, it can’t possibly be that bad. Right?

RIGHT?

Still not as cool as Mecha-Shiva

Dear Japan,

We know that you hate the rest of the world. That’s all fine and dandy. Nonetheless, stop trying to create robotic death machines in the shape of animals. Everyone knows that you’re totally teaming up with the animals in a bid to kill us all. Now you’re just totally refusing to even be subtle about it.

Sincerely,

The rest of the world.

JAPAN HATES EARTH PEOPLE

TROMP TROMP TROMP TROMP TROMP.

That’s not the sound of your greatest fantasies coming one step closer to becoming true. Think your worse nightmares instead.

A 60-year-old crazy scientist man has spent eleven years of his life creating a giant mecha beetle or, to be more specific, a giant mecha rhinoceros beetle. The “Kabutom RX-03” is an 11-meter long metal paperweight and weighs in at fifteen tons. It is controlled within the robots cockpit, but can also be controlled by remote, which is awkwardly named “Kabutom Ragio Controrea.”

This isn’t just a prop since it can move as well. It drags itself using its giant legs with help from the wheels located at the bottom of the beetle’s thorax. It can also hold up to six adults soldiers in its abdomen.

Based off of all the recent technological progress in robotics as of late and combined with this latest bit of news, I think we all know what this means: Japan has decided to become a traitor to the human race and team up with the animals. We must all band together and put a stop to this before your house is trampled over by a legion of these tanks when Japan invades America.

ROBOT BABY MADE NUCLEAR BOOM-BOOM IN ITS TITANIUM DIAPER

Annnnnnd there goes Malaysia.

All right, so at the end of World War II (aka, the War We Won, Gol-Dernit), we took away Japan’s military presence, leaving them with the Self Defense Force. They’re only allowed to spend 2% of their GDP on the protectorate of the nation (which is still a heckuva lot of money, mind you), and so it leaves them with a lot of free time.

I guess that’s why they built a giant killer robot. You know, for “art.” At least that’s what artist Yanobe Kenji says.

According to him, the robot will be safe from the whims of evil men who want to conquer the world.

“This giant toratan doll is the ultimate child’s weapon, as it sings, dances, breathes fire, and follows only those orders given by children.”

Oh great, let children control a device that breathes fire and has a true purpose as “art.” We’ll be real safe then. Smooth move, Japan. It’s not like you already have a scary history with robots.

The robot, sighted in Roppongi, stands about 24 ft tall and is made of aluminum, steel, brass, FRP, and styrofoam. What does that mean?The best way to take the behemoth down would be with a giant magnet. Either that, or just start fighting the kids controlling the thing. They’ll go down pretty easy.

Unless they don’t go down easy at all. In which case, SG would like to print a correction: at the end of World War II, we every country but the United States of America took away Japan’s military presence, leaving them with the Self Defense Force.