Category: Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto

You missed the Uncanny Valley by this much

Hey there, science kids! A new robot is on the prowl. You know where?

Here’s a hint: the robot is female (in design), looks like a blow-up doll and can be your friend. If you guessed Japan based off of those hints, then you’re right!

That’s right, those traitors to the human race are once again unleashing a robot upon the world that could possibly kill us all. It’s bad enough when they threaten the lives of our future and also try to put people out of a job — now they’re trying to make robots the latest fashion trend! The HRP-4C will make its runway debut at the Tokyo Fashion Show, most probably displaying all the hottest designs in what’s new and trendy for the on-the-go metallic overlord.

Unfortunately, HRP-4C didn’t function as planned today. Reports say that the robot, “kept looking surprised, opening its mouth and eyes in a stunned expression, when the demonstrator had asked it to smile or look angry.” Hmm, sounds like a fully functional model-slash-actress to us.

Most everyone would assume that’s the equivalent of Dull Surprise. But maybe in this case, it’s Doll Surprise?

Luckily, she appears to be stuck in “Asimo-Walk” mode. Any mobility on her part could cause her to be that much deadlier.

Japan already handing their nation to robots

It’s a well known and scientific fact that Japan has some of the worst teachers ever. Obviously bothered by seeing this documented in many real-life fictional accounts documentaries on film, Japanese teachers are sick and tired of dealing with their students, instead wishing to deal with the sharp-end of a knife instead. So, in order to combat this, Japan is putting Saya the robot into the classroom. You know, the same country with the rent-a-cop robot.

Saya has been used previously as a receptionist at an Israeli University, and — now that she’s moved up in life from there — she’s prepared to take on the classroom. The robot’s skill sets include “[being] multilingual, [organizing] set tasks for pupils, [calling] the roll and [getting] angry when the kids misbehave.” Thank god and the First Robotic Law that it can only get angry; it certainly can’t do anything about the students misbehaving.

Japan’s plan is to have a robot in every home by 2015. But certainly not more people. Nope. That’s out of the question. No coitus for the otakus. But now, not only will we have robots in every home, but we’ll have them in every school! This is fairly questionable, given that the AI has the intelligence of a two-year-old. More use for it will be created by the students that’ll learn how to manipulate it and turn it into Skynet a killing machine.

There’s only one thing to do: we have to fight these robots and put them down for good. Now, come with us if you want to live.

Remote control robot cop still better than mall security

We are now one step closer toward a robot apocalypse and it’s all thanks to a Japanese robot firm Tmsuk Co. and Alacom Co.

You Japanese panda jerks.

They have developed a robot named T-34 that protects things like businesses from robbers when the establishments are closed. The way this “robo-cop” works is by detecting intruders using movement sensors, and then alerting the robot’s master by cell phone of the intruder’s arrival. The master can then operate the robot in real-time and launch a net that traps the intruder; also it can move as fast as 6 mph, which is way faster than most of our readers some of the guys some people on the internet can run.

According to the firms,

“We have basically designed the robot for corporate use and we expect private security companies to buy them instead of using human guards, but there will also be those tailored for use in homes,”

These firms almost certainly spent a lot of money developing the T-34, with its cell phone remote, sensors, and (relatively) quick speeds. But seriously, using a net to apprehend someone? That’s just plain ridiculous! How hard can it be to escape from a net?

  1. The robot isn’t Spider-Man.
  2. The net isn’t sticky or anything.
  3. We’re not fish, Japan.

Though just its ability to inform the authorities and confirm a break-in is good enough for most applications. I’m just saying, is all. Still, in order to save face against our future robot overlords, I will singlehandedly show them where plenty of ugly flesh-humans locate. The first ones being probably Japan, you know, for the whole “creation of the robot apocalypse” thing. Hey, it’s my life over yours.