Rather smoke Reds than dead
Posted on September 10, 2008
Filed Under It Must Be Science!, War on Education | Leave a Comment |
The latest health crisis to hit our elementary schools? Flavored cigarettes.
With menthol no longer moving cartons, tobacco companies are luring in new smokers with flavors like cocoa, honey, vanilla and licorice. Doesn’t sound too bad, right?
Think again.
When you burn cocoa, it turns into bromine gas, which will kill you!*
The moral of this story is simple, parents: when you put your kids on cigarettes, for diet and/or self-esteem reasons, make sure it’s a good clean American smoke.
Stay away from the fruity flavors; they’re counterproductive, anyway, if your kid’s trying to look cool.
Written by Rick Snee*Very slowly because it “dilates and anesthetizes the lungs, maximizing their absorption of smoke and nicotine.”
Cue the global orgy
Posted on September 8, 2008
Filed Under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells | Leave a Comment |
We warned you months ago that end is nigh. Well, we were unheeded: scientists still hate humanity and you–yes, you–didn’t blow up the Large Hadron Collider.
So, now those Franco-Swisso maniacs are gonna blow us up. (Damn them, damn them all to hell!)
To join the Official SeriouslyGuys End of the World Orgy, we’ll need you to sell all your worldly possessions and mail the proceeds to:
SeriouslyGuys Lube and Sunscreen Collection “Plate”
812 Obviously Fake Address
Dontreallydothis, West Dakota 29156
Remember: this is the only time we’ll ever run this event (until the next major “we’re all gonna die” media event/ratings booster), so you don’t want to pussyfoot around. You won’t want to collapse into a molecular ball of untold density any other way!
Written by Rick SneeIf only your mother could see you now
Posted on September 4, 2008
Filed Under It Must Be Science! | Leave a Comment |
A new scientific study claims that men tend to be attracted to and date women who look like their mother. Oh science, you silly lust filled imp, you.
Track, Trig, we totally understand.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorSudden Inmate Death Syndrome
Posted on September 3, 2008
Filed Under It Must Be Science! | Leave a Comment |
For some reason, people who are brought in are dying shortly after they are arrested. We know, it sounds like a total mystery to us as well.
However, scientists are now looking into similarities between the sudden death of young, healthy men around the world, who suddenly die for no reason when they are in custody, and that of animals who suddenly die when they are captured. Some believe it is a syndrome.
This blog is totally stumped as to what could cause this syndrome. However, it does exonerate police throughout the ages. Yes, no longer will cops have to bear the burden of guilt every time some kid of another race dies in one of their jail cells. Also, just because a suspect swallows an eight-ball right before his arrest doesn’t mean he died of an overdose.
Written by Bryan McBournieThe slow and downward spiral of the economy and your tax dollars at work
Posted on August 22, 2008
Filed Under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells | Leave a Comment |
The federal government paid $147,000 for a research project to determine if women get turned on by pornography. Guess what? They do! Well done, gentlemen. We totally didn’t need that cancer research anyways.
You know what government? You could’ve paid the four of us at SeriouslyGuys no more than about $100 each and we could’ve given you the same results. But since you didn’t, I feel that only paying me at least $100,000 will allow me to call it even.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorA religious experiment
Posted on August 19, 2008
Filed Under It Must Be Science! | Leave a Comment |
According to a survey in Monday’s Archives of Surgery, 57 percent of 1,000 surveyed adults believe in divine intervention: in this case, that God will step in and save dying patients.
OK, well, why stop at surgery? According to many of these same true believers, God isn’t just a doctor, but a ominpotent jack of all trades. Therefore, if there’s any basis to this, let’s see God save you, the god-fearing reader, from a direct threat to your faith.
In the next paragraph, you will read the most offensive sentence that will attack God and your beliefs and might possibly turn your children into Satan worshipers. If divine intervention is real, then God will do something to prevent you from reading it, leaving your fragile faith intact. Ready? Here goes:
ERROR 404
DOCUMENT NOT FOUND
HA! Suck on that, Xtians!
I can’t let you do that, Dave
Posted on August 18, 2008
Filed Under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
Nobody likes growing old, right? I mean, it’s pretty bothersome, what with the adult diapers, lack of beneficial driving skill, eventual coming death and shrinking of height (hey, I’m already short enough as it is). Want to be able to cheat death and also be an abomination in the eyes of any god that’s not composed of metallic logic? Then you want to be robo-frankenstein!
Yes, “Gordon”, a “frankenrobot”, has been brought to life with living brain tissue. Most interestingly enough, the brain tissue comes from rats. Awesome! Not only does this eventually prolong our life, but it helps with our war against those insidious rodents! Even more so, Gordon has been described as looking akin to the recent summer smash hit “Wall-E“. It’s so cute that it couldn’t hurt us, right?
Oh yeah, that’s right-it’s composed of the brains of dead rats. That should be an innocuous enough fact, if it weren’t for the more relevant fact that we’re currently in the middle of a war with animals. They clearly wouldn’t want to take revenge on us with their cold, steel arms, would they? Survey says: yes they would. Even an AdrienneBarbeauxbot.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorSpooking the cat never became more fun
Posted on August 15, 2008
Filed Under It Must Be Science! | 1 Comment |
Science’s slightly cooler cousin, technology, is at it again. This time, instead of creating jet-packs, invisibility suits are becoming closer and closer to fruition. Bending light never became more fun. While it’s obviously being looked at more for its military purposes, imagine the possibilities of personal use. Bending light never became more fun. As long as we can avoid the more horrifying possibilities (like, well, rape, murder and arson), we can then focus on the more useful purposes of an invisibility suit-such as scaring cats, small children and making shows like “Ghost Hunters” actually slightly correct.
One step closer to the American dream: invisible robot assassins to maintain global order. Yay!
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorMay your liver live on
Posted on August 14, 2008
Filed Under Booze News, It Must Be Science! | Leave a Comment |
Imagine a world where you could drink all you want and do no harm to your body (better known as the dreamland of Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass.). Hangovers may never be fully extinct, but distillers are making their products purer and purer all the time. Long term effects (liver damage, wet brain, red face, accidental marriage, whiskey-related impotence) are still a threat.
That is until now. Scientists have successfully stopped the aging process in a mouse’s liver (they know this by counting the rings). Do you know what this means? If we all get mouse liver transplants, we will never have to worry about sclerosis! Perhaps scientists can learn to stop the aging process in other organs, too. That way our hearts would not suffer from pumping so much alcohol through it and our lungs would not suffer from inhaling all that musting, smoky bar air.
We could drink on forever!
Written by Bryan McBournieWhat a surprise
Posted on August 12, 2008
Filed Under Fun Fact, It Must Be Science! | 1 Comment |
Community college faculty and students decided that a four-day work week beats working five days a week.In unrelated news: potsmokers prefer everything kept in reach of the couch.
Also, this just in: readers believe that the book is better than the movie … unless they’re writing a book repor–
We interrupt the end of this report with this emergency breaking news:
Water’s wet, but only when you touch it.
We now return to the original story in progress.
– because college students are lazy.
Written by Rick Snee « go back — keep looking »