Choosy moms choose HPV

"My daughter? She doesn't have to worry about cancer because we laugh over salad every day."
My daughter? She doesn’t have to worry about cancer because we laugh over salad every day.”

Despite calls for a cure for cancer whenever a new erectile dysfunction pill is developed, more parents are choosing not to vaccinate their daughters for the human papillomavirus (HPV) now that said cure actually exists.

The vaccine — commonly known as Gardasil — immunizes the recipient from HPV, a family of viruses that cause genital and anal warts and most cases of cervical cancer. HPV infects nearly all sexually active human beings on planet Earth, even if they only did oral or butt stuff or just once with some girl who lives in Canada. (Basically, if you’ve “done it,” you have it.)

44 percent of parents, however, do not plan to immunize their daughters. 16 percent hold concerns that the vaccine is unsafe, citing research by Some Guy on the Internet and Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-Minn. And those who probably did no “research” at all just assumed it’s bad because it’s a vaccine.

Way to go, Jenny McCarthy! Way to go!
Way to go, Jenny McCarthy! Way to go!

17 percent, however, said their daughters don’t need it because they know their child isn’t sexually active. Fortunately, the vaccination is only effective prior to sex because, again, everybody has it, so it’ll be easier to catch their daughters and ground them for lying at their Purity Ball.

UPDATE: Bikes only contribute more spandex to environment

Although bicyclists don't exhale enough CO2 to contribute to greenhouse gases, there is concern over the amount of performance enhancing drugs they leak into the French countryside every July.
Although bicyclists don’t exhale enough CO2 to contribute to the greenhouse effect, there is concern over the amount of performance enhancing drugs they leak into the French countryside every July.

In case you were wondering, riding a bicycle does not contribute a damaging amount of carbon dioxide to the atmosphere.

That announcement comes from the office of Ed Orcutt, a ranking Republican member of the Washington state House of Representatives Transportation committee, who recently had to retract a written statement claiming otherwise. In a letter to a bike shop owner, Dan Carlson, Orcutt defended his proposal to attach a $25 fee to bicycle sales over $500 by claiming:

A cyclists has [sic] an increased heart rate and respiration … Since CO2 is deemed a greenhouse gas and a pollutant, bicyclist are actually polluting when they ride.

What’s the deal? Are those who fail science doomed to run as Republicans?

In space, no one can hear you scream about roaming charges

Next up: testing Dr. Marketing Writer's June 1978 claim that we'll believe a man can fly by launching one in orbit.
Next up: testing Dr. Marketing Writer’s June 1978 claim that we’ll believe a man can fly by launching one in orbit.

Researchers from the University of Surrey launched a smartphone into orbit from India. They will then test the theory presented in the May 1979 issue of renown science journal, Poster for Alien, by Dr. Marketing Writer that “in space, no one can hear you scream.”

They’re using a smart phone application that was custom-designed by the Cambridge University Space Flight and is cryptically called the Scream in Space app. (Neither school has confirmed whether ice cream is involved.) When activated, it will play several pre-recorded screams, and then check to see if the phone’s receiver “hears” it.

Not only is this a landmark case for testing movie theories, but it will also be the first use of the voice feature on a smartphone since 2005.

Stop boring your kids

They both died from an overdose back in season six.
They both died from an overdose back in season six.

Parents who tell their kids cautionary tales about their previous drug, tobacco and alcohol use may be counter-intuitively driving those kids to the (prescription) bottle. That’s according to a new study that found that “the more often the parents talked about regret over their own use, the bad things that happened, and that they’d never use it again, the students were more likely to report pro-substance-use beliefs.”

The researchers didn’t find a direct link between boring your kids with tales of your youth and their need for a drink afterwards, just an interesting correlation. However, the Guys feel it is safe to say that you should never try to relate to a teenager. They may look human, but that’s just what they want you to think.

Keep your sweater for Valentine’s

While it’s better to have a Valentine than to be one of those sad sacks crying into their white wine on Single Awareness Day, that’s not to say that having one doesn’t come with its own problems. The most frustrating aspect has to be going out in February. Even in the most temperate U.S. climates, there’s a good chance you’ll have to surrender your jacket.

Ugh, 100 problems.
Ugh, 100 problems.

Fortunately, this may be the last year you’ll ever have to do that, thanks to your wing man: science!

Neuroscientists at the University of Southern California “turned off” the sensation of feeling cold in mice by isolating and cutting off the neurons that express a protein named TRPM8. The mice with TRPM8 avoided areas in the experiment area that were too hot and too cold, while the mice without TRPM8 wore shorts while waiting in line for concert tickets outside, talking about how this weather was nothing because they’re from Michigan.

Right now, the treatment is irreversible, so the next step is to develop a temporary effects pill that you can slip into her drink. And, if that fails, we can just wait until climate change takes full effect.

Resent all of your kids equally

"I may be hugging both of you, but I'm wearing deodorant under only one arm."
“I may be hugging both of you, but I’m wearing deodorant under only one arm.”

Even if one of your children seems like a bastard, that’s no reason to treat them like one. That’s according to researchers from the University of Toronto, who say that differential parenting — when you clearly prefer one child over another in thought and deed — may negatively affect the entire family.

So, if you hoped that locking the bad one in the cupboard would keep him out of the good one’s way, no dice, Mr. Dursley. Looks like you’ll have to try a method of parenting that the Guys* developed called “Equal Opportunity Spankings.”

We plan to sell these, so we can’t tell you much about the EOS home kit other than it involves a Sorry game board, moisturizer and a Mad Libs book where all the noun spaces are filled in with your children’s names.

*None of the Guys are parents, which makes us the best judges on how to raise your children. No conflict of interest here.

The couple that drinks together stays together

Say there, drunkard, are you happy in your relationship? According to a new study, your binging may be hurting your partner, that is, unless she’s your drinking partner, too.

The study claims that the more you drink, the higher your odds of divorce get, but that’s taking a simplistic view of a complicated topic. Researchers interviewed 20,000 married couples and then followed up with them 15 years later. They found that if one partner was a heavy drinker (which for some reason is drinking more than 10 times in two weeks, lightweights), they were more likely to get divorced, especially if it was the woman who bended an elbow. However, science says this wasn’t true for couples who drink on the same level.

A separate study found that couples that drink the same amount are likely to spend more time together and fight less.

So get smashed with your sweetie this Valentine’s Day!

Ditch the wheel: scientific secret for slimmer, sexier mice

After a canker sore medicine caused this mouse to lose weight without dieting or exercise, LSU lab assistants can't resist touching his new six-pack.
After a canker sore medicine caused this mouse to lose weight without dieting or exercise, LSU lab assistants can’t resist touching his new six-pack.

You know, we keep hearing about all these great things science was supposed to do for us, but it sure seems like it’s fallen short in recent years. Personal jetpacks, flying cars and exterminating everyone over 30 are all now 13 years overdue. Basically, thanks for the microwave ovens, scientists, but what have you done for us lately?

Well, science delivered, and it delivered big. Get ready for slimmer, sexier mice, because doctors at Louisiana State University have found the secret to exercise- and diet-free weight loss.

LSU researchers injected mice that they had fattened up with amlexanox, a drug normally used to treat canker sores in humans. The mice lost the weight through increased metabolism, not by moving around more or eating less. Once off the drug, the mice gained the weight back, but it was too late for their young, sexy new spouses to dump them.

The next step is to test this treatment on obese humans, who look forward to getting that wheel out of their living rooms.

Diet drinks: more evil than previously thought

There's such a thing as too much dieting ... or too drunk.
There’s such a thing as too much dieting … or being too drunk.

We already knew that diet drinks — especially diet fruit punch — are depressing. (Or that depressing people drink them.) But, now we’ve discovered that diet drinks are also trying to get you drunk.

A recent study found that using diet drinks as a mixer gave drinkers a higher BAC than those drinking the same amount with regular mixers. The key is calories, which help absorb alcohol and slow down its release into the bloodstream. Diet drinks, however, have reduced or no calories, which means the alcohol is on an expressway to Karaoke Town (population: you and Randy Newman songs).

What concerned researchers is that women are more likely to order diet mixed drinks. We should have known: diet drinks are trying to get your girlfriend drunk.