Category: It Must Be Science!

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Museum displays body of animal that tried to kill us all

Just before Thanksgiving last year, the animals tried to end the world. Perhaps you hadn’t heard about that.

On Nov. 20, 2016, the Large Hadron Collider was under attack. Authorities say that a weasel-like animal called a marten climbed over a fence protecting the enormous particle accelerator. It was a suicide mission, an attempt to sabotage the LHC and hopefully blow up the Earth. The marten touched a transformer and was instantly killed as 18,000 volts coursed through its body. Luckily, the LHC didn’t blow up.

Why is this news now? Because the marten’s charred remains are now on display in the Netherlands at the Museum of Natural History Rotterdam. Make sure to stop by if you’re in town.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

New thing to worry about: Cannibal hamsters

In the 1990s, we knew hamsters as things that danced in gifs. But today, things are much darker. Now the hamster populations of Europe are collapsing because the adults keep eating their young.

According to scientists, the reason for this isn’t that baby hamsters are so tasty, it’s because of corn, the devil’s grain. The theory is that many wild hamsters don’t get the diversity of food that they used to get. It’s less common for them to find roots, insects or different types of grains to snack on. Instead, all they eat is corn. Corn all day every day, thanks to modern farming practices. That means they don’t get many of the vitamins they need. Researchers found that hamster mothers with an all-corn diet ate 95% of their babies. The corn hamster moms would actually store their young with their corn supplies before eating them. So that’s sufficiently gruesome.

One other thing we learned, there are populations of wild hamsters in Europe, for now.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Dogs: Mons best friend

Wait — reggae and soft rock? Maybe Scottish dogs are just really into The Police.

Maybe this isn’t news to you (The Guys don’t have dogs), but apparently dogs like music? And Scottish researchers have narrowed down their preference to either reggae or soft rock. So, that explains why your dog sleeps all day, loves snacks and doesn’t seem like its brain is firing on all cylinders: they. are. high.

But, it’s important to note that reggae and soft rock weren’t the first choices of all individual dogs tested. According to one of the researchers, professor Neil Evans said, “the response to different genres was mixed, highlighting the possibility that like humans, our canine friends have their own individual music preferences.”

We’re guessing that dogs are just into slight variations on what they listened to back in obedience school.

[Hat tip to Beth K.]

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

2017: A Booze Odyssey

One small batch for man, one giant beer run for mankind.

The Guys are all about space travel … so long as we work out a few hitches first. Most notably: the distinct lack of sustainable alcohol supplies up there in the void.

Bringing your own vodka with you like a cosmonaut is fine if you only plan to backpack to low Earth orbit for a weekend. But, for extended stays on the moon and beyond? Let’s just say we don’t want to risk over-reliance on resupply missions from an organization that prizes buzzcuts more than getting buzzed. (Yes, we mean you, NASA.)

Fortunately, UC San Diego undergrads are on the space case race. Team Original Gravity, a group of engineering students, hope to win a trip into space to brew our first lunar beer. They are competing for a spot on TeamIndus’ moonlander against 25 other finalists, so they could use our help with sponsorships.

Of course, we’re pulling all support if they go up there and make another g*ddamn IPA. (You’ve been warned, Team OG.)

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Walk around naked to feel better about yourself, science says

Do you feel like you’re missing something in life? You’ve been living life your way for years now, and yet you’re still not happy. You try to fill the void with church, alcohol and pills, but nothing seems to work. Science says you need to take it all off.

According to a study from the University of London, walking around naked may be a key to mental health and happiness. Researchers found that British citizens were more likely to have a positive body image and be overall more content if they had spent significant amounts of time nude in public. (Warning: Naked butts.) The effects could be measured in the subjects before and after a single nude event.

Meanwhile, onlookers showed a measurable increase in nausea.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, That Wacky Australia, War on Animals, Warrior of the Week

Animal Warriors of the Week: Australians

Maybe this is why today’s Aussies are barely perturbed by a mere crocodile. Or why they never expected death from a stingray.

Longtime readers of SeriouslyGuys know that we’ve been at War on Animals since the founding days of this publication. Why? Because humans have always been at war with animals. And, it turns out that we’ve been winning it for the past 45,000 years in the least likely of places: Australia.

Despite being home of the deadliest animals on Earth — giant spiders, poisonous snakes, kangaroos, koalas with switchblades — things were even worse at one point in Australia. Like, “kangaroos weighing more than 1,000 pounds, 25-foot long lizards, 2,000-pound wombats, and many more huge creatures” worse. That is, until a group of new human arrivals to Oz said, “Crikey,” rolled up their sleeves and got to work eating anything larger than a can of Fosters.

And, to be sure, scientists ruled out “major changes in climate, vegetation or biomass burning.” What they couldn’t rule out? Evidence of eating cooked giant birds’ eggs in the remains of ancient cook fires — proving that you truly can’t make a civilization without cracking a few eggs.

So, good on ya, mates! Thank you for inventing both human dominance over god’s creatures great and small and the barbie!

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Science: Only hack-proof security is being drunk

It seems like every day we hear about another major hacking, leading to exposed private information, draining of bank accounts, even the election of Donald Trump. It seems as if there’s nothing secure anymore. Turns out, the ultimate security device is in your liquor cabinet.

There is talk that the next big thing in security will be your own brainwaves. Devices will be able to read your unique brainwaves and know that it’s you. Say you have a brainwave lock on your house. The obvious flaw here is that all someone has to do is force you to be near your place in order to unlock it. The only way to keep that from happening is to alter your brainwaves, namely, by getting drunk. Researchers have found that substances like alcohol, as well as drugs, but mostly alcohol, alter your brain waves to such a degree that you would not be able to unlock your devices.

Your drunk brain is completely unhackable.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Vampire bats finally live up to badass name

You can’t trust a vampire until you sift through their feces. #science

Of all the disappointing truths that ruin childhood, probably the worst — and yet most relieving — is that vampire bats don’t drink human blood. Well, now they do! [You can’t see us, but The Guys just fist-bumped through the heebie-jeebies.]

Biologists with one of the Top 100 Worst Jobs in the World discovered human blood during routine examinations of vampire bat feces instead of the usual bird blood. Seriously, though: you have look in the toilet after eating beets? Now imagine that with real blood, on the ground, in the Brazilian rainforest and with bats overhead. And, here’s the surprising part to us, it’s because they’re running out of birds to eat. In the rain forest. We don’t know if you remember The Rainforest Cafe in your ’90s mall of choice, but there was no avoiding birds. That’s a ridiculous bird shortage.

But, there’s a crazier story buried below why bats suddenly became the Ace of Spades in our War on Animals card deck:

Vampire bats, which live only in the Americas, feed by puncturing the skin of their prey with sharp incisors and lapping up the flowing blood, mixing it with saliva that prevents their gory meal from coagulating too quickly. Previous studies have shown that these bats don’t store fat in their bodies and can’t survive without food for more than a couple of days.

You guys! Now we know why vampires are always ripped!

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Zombies

Science: You won’t survive the zombie apocalypse

No one will survive — not even British actors whose American accents get less genuine and harder to understand each season.

You might as well stop stocking up on bullets and beef jerky. Science says there is virtually no chance that you will survive the zombie apocalypse.

A peer-reviewed report projects that in 100 days the human population could be virtually wiped out by zombies. In fact, at the 100-day mark, there would be only 273 people still alive. Researchers assumed that each zombie would have a 90% success rate of infecting someone daily, and could live 20 days without eating. Basically, it doesn’t look good for us.

Unfortunately, this report is crap. It was conducted by undergrads, as opposed to real scientists. And the things it assumes are unrealistic. Bites are a terrible transmission method for disease, for example, rabies takes a long time to infect you. The report also leaves a lot of things out. Are they fast zombies? Are they green? How many zombies are killed by humans? Are we all infected and once we die we become undead?

Worst of all, the report doesn’t even admit that zombies are already out there, which this blog has been warning you about for years.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Walk like an emperor (penguin)

German doctors have also prescribed the proper PPE for walking across ice.

After more than 750 emergency calls and full emergency rooms two years ago due to untreated ice in Germany, the authorities have a plan in place for sub-freezing temperatures this weekend. No, it doesn’t involve actually treating the streets and sidewalks. German doctors instead suggest walking like a penguin so that their people are less likely to slip and fall onto their lederhosen or spiky helmets.

The issue stems from how your average human balances their weight when walking. Normally, we distribute our weight across both the front and back foot, which makes us more likely to fall when one foot slips. But, leaning forward over the front foot each step (which definitely needs to be clarified because we did not picture penguins doing that when walking), we’re more stable. Unless the front foot you’ve put all your faith in slips — then f*ck you.

What’s a little surprising is that the Germans chose to put all their weight on the front foot instead of the back. We’ve never seen a goose slip on ice before, so why not recommend goose stepp-

Oh. Ohhhhh.