Human evolution can be a
funny scary thing: “Hit-and-run, irresponsible males are reproducing more. That isn’t good for anyone except those males, but that’s evolution.” The lesson for today? Strike early and often, and your wanton offspring will rule the world. Strike later, and perhaps civilization has a chance. Hey, it worked for Genghis Kahn.
James Watson, who won a Nobel prize for helping decode DNA, has successfully staved off any further grants by lecturing that Africans are doomed by genetics to be stupid.
Watson based this on this observation: “People who have to deal with black employees find this[, the fact that their intelligence is the same as ours,] is not true.”
The Guys couldn’t be there, but we’re pretty sure he went on to say, “I mean, am I right, white people? Whoop whoop!” He then made the international sign to raise the roof of the Science Museum in London.
We’d like to thank Watson for reminding us that a little science in the wrong hands can be a very dangerous thing.
Really late bloomers. Scientists have managed to do what couples counseling and Dr. Phil failed to do–unravel the mystery of the perverted pond scum that has survived 80 million years without having sex. It’s like Clinton-gate, except more like the aftermath than anything else.
For me personally, I wish to discover the parallel universe where I am rich, and didn’t kill that prostitute in Vegas, and I
want need to kill that version of myself, and take his place. Especially if that dimension’s me is wearing a goatee. Get with the times, beatnik.
Also, I really want to live in the “cowboy-hat universe”.
There is only dark, dark news to bring to you today, true believers. The War on Animals seems to have lost one of its closest allies: the British government. They showed their true colors in the most shocking of ways.
The British government has given the OK for scientists to create embryos that are animal-human hybrids. This blog doesn’t have to tell you how bad of an idea this is. This blog doesn’t think what is created would bring “Island of Doctor Moreau”-esque creatures, it would bring ones more like terminators. Except instead of having the appearance of men and insides of a machine, their insides would be animal.
They would use these terminators to get into our camps and kill us whenever they please. It’s time to boycott the English until this decision is reversed!
You know how you’re always feeling out of breath when you get out of the car at lunch time, and all you can do is get inside and chow down on your KFC fried bowl of goodness? Well according to scientists, it may not be your fault, fatass.
It actually might just be how your genes interact with a cold you seem to have caught. Got that, everyone? If you dig deep enough, nothing is your fault, it’s always your parents’.
According to scientists, the same people who brought you flying cars by the end of the 20th century, are now saying artificial life could be possible in the next three to ten years. This blog sees absolutely no reason to be alarmed.
It seems like a great idea.
Here’s a fun fact for you on your Friday (ha, alliteration!): According to a new study, most binge drinker prefer drinking beer, if for no other reason than it is more accessible than other kinds of alcohol.
Though no survey has been taken of The Guys’ drinks of choice. It seems this blog is certainly not in the majority on this one, with a clearly announced preference for whiskey.
By the way, binge drinking is defines as five or more drinks. Let that be a reminder to all you lightweights out there.
We all like holidays. They give us time off and a chance to recuperate. Sometimes we even get stuff during them, even if the presents are lame (seriously, argyle socks?). There are even a fair amount of people out there like to celebrate a fictitious holiday called “Christmas in July.”
Screw that noise.
In honor of a recent archaeological discovery, I’m declaring this month to be “Easter at the end of June.” Why? Five words and a number: 3,000-year-old rotten easter eggs.
Eureeka! Medical science has saved us all again!
(Warning: the preceding link features images of a shaved, and therefore, naked mouse. It’s probably safe for work, but really weird.)
Remember when we used to say that about discoveries of great merit like the polio vaccine or the artificial heart? We’re not saying doctors and researchers have dropped the ball, but …
No, wait. We are saying that.