Flowers: serious business.
Posted on September 1, 2010
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Are you in love? Does he or she know? Well, whatever you do about it, for the love of God, don’t buy them flowers.
Flowers, or plant genitals, have long been part of human custom: weddings, birthdays, apologies and funerals. And funerals is just what posies have in mind when they spontaneously combust (i.e., terror explode) and cause $20,000 worth of damage to an Arkansas home.
The whole incident could have been avoided had the Duncans re-potted or even just watered their plant, but the United States does not negotiate with amaranths.
Written by Rick SneeThey’ll find a way to blame Lincoln for this
Posted on September 1, 2010
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Even though it’s been 145 years gone, for the South some people, the Civil War isn’t over. It’s not over in Georgia not because people still aren’t willing to move past a cotton-based economy, it is the ammunition that keeps it alive.
Some cannonballs from the Civil War caused an entire building at Kennesaw State University to be shut down because they were a possible threat to anyone around them. The cannonballs had been sitting there for three years, and no one thought they might explode, until someone new spoke up.
However, it was determined that the irons and chains that slaves were transported were not a threat to public health not only because they were not explosive, but because there weren’t any in the Civil War exhibit.
Written by Bryan McBournieFire in the hole!
Posted on August 31, 2010
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There are many deathsports in the world: Russian Roulette, Duck-Duck-Shark, Taser Tag …. All mere child’s play!
The truly most dangerous sport–especially in dry grasslands–is golf.
One unidentified golfer in Irvine, California proved this deadly fact when his iron club grazed a rock, pitching a spark into the rough. The resulting fire spread quickly and was eventually put out by 150 firefighters.
A memorial will be unveiled for the two bushy hillsides that are no longer with us.
Written by Rick SneeFox News finally has a true online rival
Posted on July 1, 2010
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It took nearly 10 years since they exploded on the New York scene, but Al-Qaida has finally gotten their particular brand of propaganda translated into the English language.
The terrorist group–accept no substitutes–launched their English language Web ‘zine, Inspire, on Tuesday. They’ve even taken a note from infidel fashion magazines with their feature article, “How to Make a Bomb in the Kitchen of Your Mom.”
(Unlike Maxim, it’s not a clever title about impregnating MILFs, but literally about making bombs with common kitchen items … though they belong to your mom and you shouldn’t know how to use them if you’re a fundiemoron.)
We’d like to welcome Al-Qaida to the Internet, and wish nothing them nothing but our thoroughly CIA-investigated best!
Written by Rick SneeSet wheelbarrow to ‘awesome’
Posted on June 16, 2010
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Yang Youde is in a desperate struggle against property developers that want to take his farm. These must be Gorn property developers because Yang is using an improvised cannon made from a wheelbarrow and pipes to drive them off.
Written by Rick SneeHOLY S#@T!
Posted on June 15, 2010
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Post updated at 5:00 pm EST on June 15, 2010.
The Guys don’t pretend to understand God’s thinking, but it’s possible to extrapolate from this story that he doesn’t much care for the evangelical Solid Rock Church in Monroe, OH and what was their big honking statue of Jesus.
What we mean is that there are parables, and then there are direct f&%king messages in lightning and red font.
Now, if only he could smote Thomas Kinkade stores without burning down the entire mall ….
UPDATE (6/15/2010) Read more
Written by Rick SneeSome seriously U.S. wars updates
Posted on June 14, 2010
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When it comes to wars, The Guys are starting to overstretch our resources. At last count we’re engaged on four fronts and with some real heavyweights, like robots, every animal in the world, extraterrestrial intelligence and the entire concept of education.
The U.S. fights a lot more wars–albeit against punier opponents like potheads and religious fanatics–so sometimes it’s hard to keep track of what our benevolent leaders are waging against. To keep you informed, we bring you A Seriously U.S. Wars Update.
Afghanistan
It turns out there may be more to Afghanistan than poppies and Muhammad fanboys who–like our own fanboys–have poor hygiene and fear the touch of women. U.S. geologists have discovered large untapped deposits of copper, iron and lithium and believe this could help draw more international aid. Because when we think of improving living conditions for a people that have been impoverished by unchecked religion, war and corruption, we think of mining.
Iraq
After over seven years of searching for chemical weapons in Iraq, U.S. forces have finally found them.
Illegal Immigration
According to an expert witness, Arizona is “the gateway to America for drug trafficking, extortion, kidnapping and crime.” That was Gov. Jan Brewer, who is experimenting with a new method of curbing illegal immigration: paint your state as a hellhole so that nobody will enter it.
So, in summation, America is winning!
Written by Rick SneeIn a world where power comes at a price …
Posted on April 30, 2010
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You know what would make a great action movie? Get a group of scientists who have access to a laser that’s 300 yards long, and make them evil enough to use it to start a nuclear reaction that would end up creating a star bloom on Earth that may destroy the planet–or create a new source of energy for all mankind.
It’s no Jerry Bruckheimer movie, it’s real. And it’s only a few decades away from being useful, after millions of tax dollars have been dumped into the program.
Written by Bryan McBournieThis could still take a while
Posted on March 25, 2010
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After eight months of wheeling and dealing, U.S. and Russian negotiators have reached an accord on nuclear disarmament. (No, it’s not total disarmament, which is why they met at all.)
The deal must be signed by President Barack Obama and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev before arsenals are redistributed to friendly regimes slashed, which we imagine will go a little something like this:
Written by Rick SneeOBAMA: OK, now it’s just time to sign …
MEDVEDEV: You sign first.
OBAMA: … After you.
MEDVEDEV: No, no. I insist.
OBAMA: Alright, we’ll sign it together on the count of three. One … Two …
MEDVEDEV: Wait! Do we sign on three or after, like “one, two, three, sign?”
OBAMA: Well, I said “on the count of three,” so on three. Acceptable?
MEDVEDEV: Da.
OBAMA: OK, on three. One … Two … THREE!
[...]
OBAMA and MEDVEDEV: YOU DIDN’T SIGN! HAHAHAHAhaha-ha ah-ha.
OBAMA: OK, on three …
Can they transform into good movies?
Posted on March 23, 2010
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You see, people? This: this is what happens when you see a movie that you know will suck, but pay for the privilege anyway. (We are not exceptions.)
Transformers 3 is in the works.
You know what that means. More Linkin Park. More “is Megan Fox legitimately hot vs. skanky hot” debates. More John Malkovich, Frances McDormand and Ken Jeong.
… Wait, what?
Just when we think we can walk away from what will be the loudest, most Michael Bayingest train wreck ever, he throws the careers of two Academy Award-winners into the dining car. Now we have to watch.
Written by Rick Snee keep looking »