Category: KAPLOOIE!

| Posted in KAPLOOIE!

’80s nukes essential for Atari future

This was the real Last Starfighter.
This was the real Last Starfighter.

Look, world peaceniks. The U.S. would love to disarm our nuclear stockpile, but we can’t because — what’s that behind you?! An asteroid?!

According to one line item from the U.S. Government Authority Office’s Report to the U.S. Senate’s Subcommittee on Energy and Water Development on Actions Needed by
National Nuclear Security Administration (NNSA) to Clarify Dismantlement Performance Goal … Good god. We need to disarm the U.S. government’s keyboards.

Anyway, according to that report, those older nukes that were going to be dismantled as newer, presumably eco-friendlier weapons are phased in have been earmarked for use in planetary defense. The plan is to hopefully devise the means to launch them at incoming asteroids before we’re wiped out with one.

And that’s all fine and good, but what about our nukes, as in the ones that you, me and every other Joe Six-pack isn’t allowed to own? Asteroids, meteorites, comets — those can all seriously impact (ah-ha!) our property values. This isn’t Encino Man; we can’t turn every crater into a senior prom pool party.

Nope. If the government gets nukes to prevent holes in America, then the American people deserve nukes to prevents holes in their azalea gardens.

| Posted in KAPLOOIE!, War on Animals

Whale-bombs threaten 3 Newfoundland towns

In The Dark Knight Rises, Gotham City is held hostage by bomb that could kill thousands. That’s how the citizens of three Newfoundland towns must feel right now, except without the imploded football stadium.

Three dead blue whales have washed up on shore, and their guts are building up with pressure as their innards decompose inside. This means that they could explode at any moment, which is a bad, smelly thing to consider. Let’s not forget what happened when we tried to pre-emptively blow up a whale back in 1970.

Elsewhere in Canada, a two-story-tall beer blimp broke free from its tether has been terrorizing a town. It’s a tense time up there.

| Posted in KAPLOOIE!

The streets! They run red!

The streets will soon run red with blood as a bloodmobile crashed!

Correction: The accident took place on a Vermont interstate.

Okay. Well, then, the asphalt ran red!

Actually, the bloodmobile crashed into a median.

Fine. The grass of the median will grow thanks to the blood of donors!

Well, while the front of the bloodmobile received a lot of damage, that was it.

Blood?

Not a drop is being reported as having been spilt.

| Posted in Economic cliches for $1000, Alex, Facepalm, KAPLOOIE!

Blowing yourself up safely

And the second most embarrassing/damaging thing an auto school did to its students? Naming itself "UTI."
And the second most embarrassing/damaging thing an auto school did to its students? Naming itself “UTI.”

As a non-terrorist organization (unless the Southern Poverty Law Center has received our application), The Guys freely admit that we are not experts in the field of suicide bombing. And we’re not teachers, either, so maybe we don’t have a robust perspective on continuing adult education and jobs training programs.

Non-credentials aside, we can safely say that safety is paramount when training the terrorists of tomorrow.

Iraqi officials report that Sunni militants accidentally detonated a practice car bomb at their training facility north of Baghdad, killing 21 potential “another person’s freedom-fighters” before they could blow themselves up upon graduation. And to heap on the embarrassment, those officials were then able to arrest an additional 22 militants in the chaos.

Learning a new trade later in life, especially in a bad economy, can be both exciting and a little scary. So, while yes, it’s good to go that extra mile in class presentations … you might want to leave your C4 at home.

| Posted in KAPLOOIE!, War on Animals

Pigs have figured out how to make their manure explode

Another possible reason to stay out of the Midwest: pig farms are blowing up, and no one’s really sure why.

In recent years, hog farms have been exploding, and it’s related to foamy manure. Farmers started noticing that their hogs’ poop had a great deal of foam on it. Turns out, the foam contains methane and hydrogen sulfide, which are pretty flammable. This has left human scientists with two mysteries.

The first of which is why the pig manure is foaming in the first place, and why it’s only been happening in recent years. Some believe it’s caused by an enriched animal feed that has gained popularity, but tests aren’t conclusive.

The other, and more haunting question, is how do the sparks occur? If there’s no one around to set a fire, that must mean that, good god, the pigs have learned how to create fire.

| Posted in He's Dead, Jim, KAPLOOIE!, Video of the Day, War on Animals

Tonight, he sleeps with blown-up fishes

It seems to us, he lived his life like a candle in the wind -- never knowing who to cling to when the baleen came in.
It seems to us, he lived his life like a candle in the wind — never knowing who to cling to when the guts rained in.

We quietly lost a hero in the War on Animals on Oct. 27. George Thomas Thornton may not have killed that beached sperm whale in 1970, but he sure as hell finished the job with a half-ton of dynamite.

The Guys would like to think that ol’ George is up there, right now, descending back down on us in millions of hazardous and disgusting little celestial pieces.

In Memoriam:

| Posted in KAPLOOIE!, Scurry (Politics)

Elder U.S. Senator fears never seeing another war in dwindling lifetime

As McCain considers his own mortality at the cost of hundreds of thousands of Syrian and American lives, he worries that another war might pass him by.
As McCain considers his own mortality at the potential cost of hundreds of thousands of Syrian and American lives, he worries that another war might pass him by.

Sen. John McCain expressed profound disappointment in President Barack Obama’s decision to delay plans for missile strikes on Syria. He chided the president for instead opting for a diplomatic solution with the Russians, who will help negotiate the turnover of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s chemical weapons stockpile to the U.N.

‘I was very disappointed that the president did not mention the Free Syrian Army and our moral and material assistance, which is required. I think they do feel abandoned,’ the Arizona Republican said.

“And I was only one punch hole away from another free defense contract on my U.S. Foreign Policy in the Middle East card, too,” he added, looking down at his shoes while kicking at an invisible dust mote.

At 77 years old, each failed opportunity to (as McCain put it) “bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb” a desert nation puts that last hole ever more perilously out of reach. The only reason he reportedly still bothers getting out of bed now is his hope that things could always turn uglier in Egypt.

| Posted in KAPLOOIE!

Dad is a True Believer in marriage

Don't make your father in law angry, Groom Man. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.
Don’t make your father-in-law angry, Doctor Groom. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

To help cover the costs of his daughter’s wedding, one dad has done the unthinkable: auctioning off his original copy of The Amazing Spider-Man volume 1. Published in 1963 and in good condition, the comic sold for $7,900, turning what had been Richard Schaen’s 12-cent investment into a dollar amount that shows just how far our princess fetish has gone.

Should the groom screw up, however, and the couple divorces, then Schaen has more rare issues to auction and fund his transformation into Angry Pop, arch-nemesis to the guy who broke his daughter’s heart made him sell his comics for nothing.

Those other comics, by the way? First issues of The Incredible Hulk. You’ve been warned, Doctor Groom.

| Posted in KAPLOOIE!, War on Animals

Bugs bomb NYC apartment building

Bugs may have detonated themselves to blow up an apartment building in NYC. Would you like to know more?
Bugs may have used concentrated insecticide gas to detonate themselves and blow up an apartment building in NYC. Would you like to know more?

It’s tempting to throw in the towel when you consider the numbers against humanity in the War on Animals. Insects serve as the shock troops in this massive animal army, with around 200 million drones assigned to each and every human on Earth.

And it looks like one woman’s 200 million bugs were in her Chinatown apartment in New York City. That’s our only possible explanation for why she set off over 40 bug bombs — or as FDNY spokesman Jim Long put it, “an awful lot of insecticide” — in her apartment over two days. She did this in two waves, detonating at least 20 at once each day.

(For scale, a single fogger should fumigate 1,000 unobstructed square feet. The average NYC single bedroom apartment is 700 square feet.)

While the first bombing went off without a hitch, it seems the bugs were ready for the gas on the second day. Firefighters are still investigating what ignited the insecticide, resulting in an explosion that partially collapsed her five-story building and injured 14 people. They think it was a pilot light or kitchen appliance, but The Guys cannot rule out bug countermeasures.

| Posted in KAPLOOIE!

The newest threat in your home

There could be something deadly in your refrigerator, and it’s not the moldy leftovers.

In England, a jar of homemade rhubarb chutney turned into a bomb. A 66-year-old woman was sleeping when an explosion in the kitchen awoke her. We’re not exactly sure how this works, but the exploding jar had enough force to blow the refrigerator door off and caused a crack in the ceiling.

This is why everyone makes fun of you for canning your food.