Allies play ‘long game’ strategy in Germany

The most productive factory workers were able to lay hundreds of these "democracy eggs" a day.
The most productive factory workers were able to lay hundreds of these “democracy eggs” a day.

Back in the 1940s, the world wasn’t sure if German people would ever get back to wearing shorts with suspenders and just being all-around adorable. So, when the Allied powers began strategically bombing the Nazi out of Nazi Germany, they left a couple thousand long-term bombs behind, just in case those old feelings came creeping back.

And that’s why Berlin commuters couldn’t go to work today.

Florida continues to up the wackiness, this time with space

You may have heard about the meteor shower that happened over Russia recently. A lot of attention was brought to the area thanks to the damage it created just on the offhand. Florida, being the petulant child state that it is, decided it could up the ante and needs attention, too.

This past weekend in Broward County, a single meteor streaked through the night sky. Now, that’s fairly tame for the most part, but even more so when compared to the shower of meteors that happened just two days ago. So why did it gain news?

Because it has been declared a fireball, something that sounds a lot more exciting than a single meteor. Nice try Florida, but we’re onto your attempts at doctoring up the news. You can’t fool a fool.


…..that may not have come out like we wanted it to.

It’s not a celebration until you level your house

Ever wonder what people do when they win the lottery? Turns out they do exactly what you think they will — plus blow up their house.

In Kansas, two brothers won $75,000 from the lottery and decided to celebrate by buying some crystal meth and marijuana. Apparently, during their party session, one of the brothers went to refill a butane lighter for their bongs and ended up leaking a significant amount of it into the air. All that gas found its way to the furnace pilot light, and suddenly, the lucky brothers didn’t have that pesky house to worry about anymore.

The one brother was taken to the hospital, wearing his lottery T-shirt, and treated for burns, while the other was uninjured and simply surrendered to authorities.

We didn’t create drones to not blow things up

In this war we’re fighting, we need to use every tactical advantage we can against our enemy, and that includes employing the latest war technology. That, of course, means using our drones.

A logical theater to use our drones is in Kenya, where four of the last seven white rhinos on Earth reside. We’re *this* close to wiping them out. But rather than get these bad boys in the air and open fire, the conservationist species traitors have decided to use non-military drones to roam the skies, making sure that poachers don’t kill the rhinos.

Folks, there’s only seven of these things left, and last time we checked, rhinos are deadly creatures that have huge horns on their faces. Why are we hesitating to take them out and add another notch on our belts?

How to dispose of a Tony Romo jersey

The Dallas Cowboys had a pretty bad season. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t what Dallas fans were hoping for. The season was capped by a loss to the rival Washington Redskins, a game in which quarterback Tony Romo seemed unable to throw to anyone but the other team.

In Texas, there are two ways of getting out your frustration. You can drink like Randy Travis, or you can fire off some guns. One Cowboys fan chose the latter, but with a bit more spite to it. He loaded up a washing machine with explosives, then set his Romo jersey on it, and shot at it with a rifle.

See you next season, Dallas.

Smoking grass endangers humanity

Cheatgrass, seen here trying to light this human’s shoelaces on fire.

With all the wars that the Guys wage, we’re wary to start another one, especially one with plants. We don’t know if you’ve noticed, but they’re everywhere. Plus, what would we do without fig leaves on the eventual day that the Obama administration outlaws clothes?

But, grass — specifically, cheatgrass — has now been implicated as the culprit behind 39 of the 50 biggest Great Basin wildfires from 2000 – 2009. And if you think that cheatgrass is overall good with a tarnished reputation because of a few bad blades, think again. “The invasive [grass] covered 6% of the landscape, but 13% of the burned land, giving it an outsized role in the largest fires.” It is militant, it is invasive, and it doesn’t have the most trustworthy name.

Unfortunately, fighting fire with fire won’t work. Every time the grass burns, it clears even more land for its spawn, choking the life out of what could be a very effective parking solution for Reno and Salt Lake City. Maybe that’s the solution: we’ll pave cheatgrass, and put in a parking lot. (Do-ooo wop wop wop wop!)

Mt. Fuji to erupt, possibly throw salt in the eyes of Bret Hart

Oh, whoops, we got our T’s and R’s confused. Well, nonetheless, the mountain named Gregor Clegane Fuji is close to erupting. So, those planning on traveling to Japan, you might want to speed up those plans. But don’t worry, scientists and vulcanologists (the mortal enemy of Tony Kornheiser) are pretty optimistic about everything:

Japanese scientists are warning that the country’s famed Mount Fuji could be on the verge of a catastrophic eruption. Volcanologist have discovered that the pressure in the volcano’s magma chamber is higher than it was the last time Fuji erupted in 1707. The pressure is measured in megapascals, and researchers say recent readings show the chamber hitting a level of 1.6; pressure readings of 0.1 megapascals are enough to trigger an eruption. Scientists say the March 2011 earthquake that caused a massive tsunami has been one factor in putting increased pressure on the chamber. Government estimates say an eruption could result in more than 300,000 deaths as well as cause up to $30 billion in damage.

Nnnnnnnh. Eeep.

Congratulations! You get to name what kills off humanity

In Deep Impact it was called Wolf-Biederman. In Seeking a Friend for the End of the World it was called Matilda. In Armageddon it didn’t have a name. Now NASA agrees that if an asteroid is going to kill us all, we’d better give it a bitchin’ name, especially since we can no longer count on Michael Clarke Duncan to save us.

NASA is calling for students around the world to help name an asteroid that could hit us in 2182. The celestial body is currently known as asteroid 1999 RQ36, which is catchy, but sounds too much like a robot that a young Anakin “Yippee” Skywalker would build. So it’s up to you, students around the world.

But judging by how these naming contests usually go, it’s probably just going to be named Stephen Colbert.

Mars Attacked!

It is with joyful elation that we bring you this news from the recently opened front in the War on Aliens: Mars! The Curiosity rover has just vaporized the first rock in what will prove to be the premptive attack that saved our world.

For too long, Mars has haunted our collective imagination, invading us in books and movies over and over again. But, now that we have perfected laser cannons and rocket cranes, we have finally caught up with our dangerous, imaginary foes and will destroy any trace of them should they assume a bacterial form on softball-sized rocks.

Eat our lasers, Red Menace!

What do Jenny McCarthy and the Taliban have in common?

You know when you think you have a great idea because nobody’s doing it, and you find out it’s because the Nazis did it, giving you that oogie feeling Indiana Jones got after discovering his girlfriend was a Nazi and banging his dad? Anti-vaccine people, get ready to feel oogie: the Taliban has banned polio vaccines.

In a choice between airstrikes and polio, Taliban militants in North and South Waziristan, Pakistan, have chosen polio. They will prevent health workers and volunteers from immunizing an estimated 280,000 children until the U.S. halts drone airstrikes in the region. So, it’s not because they believe that vaccines cause illness, which is surprisingly scientific for a group of backwards religious fanatics.

But, let’s not get congratulatory here. As Taliban commander, Hafiz Gul Bahadur says, the drone strikes “are worse than polio,” which is a pretty bold statement from a guy who can probably walk. Still, we’re sure this decision won’t hurt their future recruiting at all, so long as they’re comfortable with the next generation Rascal scooter bombing infidels.