Mecha lekka hi, mecha hiney holy sh*t!

The Method 2 comes with everything seen here! (Jeff “Get Away from Her, You B*tch” Bezos sold separately.)

Nobody knows whether Amazon founder, Washington Post owner and possibly billionaire supervillain Jeff Bezos bears humanity good or ill will. But, he’s bringing us working mechanized robot suits, so we guess we’re onboard either way. (At the very least, we’ll need our own lest we bring a gun to a mecha fight.)

Bezos demonstrated both a semi-working 13-foot tall, 1.5 ton Korean bipedal robotic vehicle and how slimming jumpsuits are this week at his MARS conference. An acronym for Machine-Learning, Automation, and Space Exploration, admittance was invitation only — no one unserious about conquering this world or any other allowed.

The only thing delaying our eventual dominance is that, while your average web purveyor of lube can operate the arms, nobody has seen the Method 2 walk yet. So, we’ve got some time yet to panic.

Even if it can walk, we can always run from it up or down stairs.

For sale: one supervillain lair

One day-oh! Da-ay-ay-ay-oh! We could retire to Bellefonte Nuclear Plant.
One dayoh! Day-ay-ay-ayoh! We could retire to Bellefonte Nuclear Plant.

The Tennessee Valley Authority might sell off a site featuring an incomplete nuclear power plant. The only catches are that the tech installed there dates back to the 1970s, the reactor is not complete and you’d have to live in Alabama.

This would be a prime real estate opportunity for anyone considering:

  • Embarking on a work-from-home career in supervillainy.
  • Building a life-sized replica of Springfield from The Simpsons.
  • Forsaking living anywhere nice just to pay less in taxes.

If interested, please contact TVA before March 18 and tell them that you think it’s a great idea. Also, please don’t run any supervillain name/shtick ideas past them; that’s your problem, bub.

Science gives aliens reason to melt down Earth, leave other planets alone

"Tell him, Daddy. I don't want diamonds. I want Alderoylerite, or I won't marry him. Tell him with your force hand!"
“Tell him, Daddy. I don’t want diamonds. I want Alderroylerite, or I won’t marry him. Tell him with your force hand!”

Science is humanity’s literally tried-and-tested means for answering life’s big questions. Why do all animals have the same configuration in limb development? Evolution! Why do things all fall at the same rate despite their individual weight? Gravity! Why should aliens melt down the Earth while leaving the other planets in our solar system alone? Geology!

Yes, thanks to science, any alien overlord who wants to melt down the most precious of minerals into a wedding ring from his captive wife’s home planet now knows what exactly to look for: cobaltominite, abelsonite, and edoylerite. These minerals are not only unique to Earth (in our solar system) but are also so rare that they form only under extreme conditions, dissolve or disappear quickly, appear in difficult-to-reach places or are composed of rare elements.

In other words, it’s easier to melt down the entire planet and sieve them out directly into a mold rather than leave the planet — and its population — intact.

Thanks, scientists. You just gave Ming exactly what he needed.

Public advisory: World ending today

Artist's depiction.
Artist depiction.

If you’re reading this, hurry up, because the world is about to end today — at least that’s what we’re being told.

Sure, we all laughed at the people who claimed the super blood moon eclipse last month was going to end it all. But now we’ve got word from a respectable church, known as eBible Fellowship, that Oct. 7 — today — is the day God decides to end the world “with fire.” How do they know this? They’re basing it off of the prediction of Harold Camping (remember him?) who said the world was going to end Oct. 21, 2011, which itself was a revision of his earlier prediction that God would toast the Earth on May 21, 2011. And that was a revision of his prediction that Jesus Christ would return on Sept. 6, 1994.

Of course, if, you’re reading this on Oct. 8, it means end-times predictions are still 0-fer, and you can go back to living your life normally — for now.

USAF makes droning monotony of droning somehow dronier

The USAF could at least try to make drone operators feel better with memes like: "I don't see color; I kill all infrared people."
The USAF could at least try to make drone operators feel better with memes like: “I don’t see color; I kill all infrared people.”

The U.S. Air Force just ain’t what it used to be. Sure, they still throw devil-may-care men and women into supersonic death machines that cost more than some European countries. But, they don’t wear scarves anymore. Also, most of their daily operations in exotic combat zones are now conducted using drones operated from places like New Mexico, which is not nearly as exciting as Breaking Bad made it look.

The worst part about droning is the droning, detached nature of it. Drone operators experience all of the agonies of war (including similar PTSD rates as their pilot counterparts), only without the exhilaration of flight, pee breaks or chance for promotion or even recognition. And that’s despite killing more Al Qaeda Number Twos than introducing non-crumbly cheese into the Middle Eastern diet.

Fortunately, the USAF has a plan! That plan is memes. Terrible memes with a dad’s understanding of what the original content actually meant. Because trying to speak to younger people in their own language always works best. Right, dudes?

Some hippie tried to kill us all with organics

It turns out that organic products don't make radioactive waste safer to consume or keep in the home.
Who knew that organic products don’t make radioactive waste safer to consume or keep in the home? Next we’re gonna learn that it doesn’t make cat sh*t safer, either.

An all natural, organic kitty litter brand is behind one of the most high-profile nuclear contamination releases in recent history, according to a report by the Department of Energy.

It’s a standard practice to absorb nuclear waste with kitty litter. However, in February 2014, a barrel of waste exploded at a federal waste facility, and it’s because some organic freak at Los Alamos National Laboratory switched out the normal clay stuff for the wheat-based Swheat Scoop, which was incompatible with the contents of the barrel.

So, remember: organic is good for you, except when it isn’t.

Please don’t throw away grenades

Here in America, we take a lot of things for granted, because we’re a world superpower and we haven’t fought a war on our own soil in like a century. That’s why we generally don’t worry about people disposing of explosives in their morning trash.

Serbia can’t say the same. The Serbian government has asked its people not to throw away hand grenades or other wartime munitions they may have lying around. The government recently passed tighter restrictions on privately held weapons, which has given rise to fears that people will dump their leftover munitions to avoid punishment.

It’s estimated that hundreds of thousands of munitions are privately held, but if Obama gets re-elected, they’ll probably try to bring that number down to zero.

’80s nukes essential for Atari future

This was the real Last Starfighter.
This was the real Last Starfighter.

Look, world peaceniks. The U.S. would love to disarm our nuclear stockpile, but we can’t because — what’s that behind you?! An asteroid?!

According to one line item from the U.S. Government Authority Office’s Report to the U.S. Senate’s Subcommittee on Energy and Water Development on Actions Needed by
National Nuclear Security Administration (NNSA) to Clarify Dismantlement Performance Goal … Good god. We need to disarm the U.S. government’s keyboards.

Anyway, according to that report, those older nukes that were going to be dismantled as newer, presumably eco-friendlier weapons are phased in have been earmarked for use in planetary defense. The plan is to hopefully devise the means to launch them at incoming asteroids before we’re wiped out with one.

And that’s all fine and good, but what about our nukes, as in the ones that you, me and every other Joe Six-pack isn’t allowed to own? Asteroids, meteorites, comets — those can all seriously impact (ah-ha!) our property values. This isn’t Encino Man; we can’t turn every crater into a senior prom pool party.

Nope. If the government gets nukes to prevent holes in America, then the American people deserve nukes to prevents holes in their azalea gardens.

Whale-bombs threaten 3 Newfoundland towns

In The Dark Knight Rises, Gotham City is held hostage by bomb that could kill thousands. That’s how the citizens of three Newfoundland towns must feel right now, except without the imploded football stadium.

Three dead blue whales have washed up on shore, and their guts are building up with pressure as their innards decompose inside. This means that they could explode at any moment, which is a bad, smelly thing to consider. Let’s not forget what happened when we tried to pre-emptively blow up a whale back in 1970.

Elsewhere in Canada, a two-story-tall beer blimp broke free from its tether has been terrorizing a town. It’s a tense time up there.

The streets! They run red!

The streets will soon run red with blood as a bloodmobile crashed!

Correction: The accident took place on a Vermont interstate.

Okay. Well, then, the asphalt ran red!

Actually, the bloodmobile crashed into a median.

Fine. The grass of the median will grow thanks to the blood of donors!

Well, while the front of the bloodmobile received a lot of damage, that was it.

Blood?

Not a drop is being reported as having been spilt.