If you’re reading this, hurry up, because the world is about to end today — at least that’s what we’re being told.
Sure, we all laughed at the people who claimed the super blood moon eclipse last month was going to end it all. But now we’ve got word from a respectable church, known as eBible Fellowship, that Oct. 7 — today — is the day God decides to end the world “with fire.” How do they know this? They’re basing it off of the prediction of Harold Camping (remember him?) who said the world was going to end Oct. 21, 2011, which itself was a revision of his earlier prediction that God would toast the Earth on May 21, 2011. And that was a revision of his prediction that Jesus Christ would return on Sept. 6, 1994.
Of course, if, you’re reading this on Oct. 8, it means end-times predictions are still 0-fer, and you can go back to living your life normally — for now.
The U.S. Air Force just ain’t what it used to be. Sure, they still throw devil-may-care men and women into supersonic death machines that cost more than some European countries. But, they don’t wear scarves anymore. Also, most of their daily operations in exotic combat zones are now conducted using drones operated from places like New Mexico, which is not nearly as exciting as Breaking Bad made it look.
The worst part about droning is the droning, detached nature of it. Drone operators experience all of the agonies of war (including similar PTSD rates as their pilot counterparts), only without the exhilaration of flight, pee breaks or chance for promotion or even recognition. And that’s despite killing more Al Qaeda Number Twos than introducing non-crumbly cheese into the Middle Eastern diet.
An all natural, organic kitty litter brand is behind one of the most high-profile nuclear contamination releases in recent history, according to a report by the Department of Energy.
It’s a standard practice to absorb nuclear waste with kitty litter. However, in February 2014, a barrel of waste exploded at a federal waste facility, and it’s because some organic freak at Los Alamos National Laboratory switched out the normal clay stuff for the wheat-based Swheat Scoop, which was incompatible with the contents of the barrel.
So, remember: organic is good for you, except when it isn’t.
Here in America, we take a lot of things for granted, because we’re a world superpower and we haven’t fought a war on our own soil in like a century. That’s why we generally don’t worry about people disposing of explosives in their morning trash.
Serbia can’t say the same. The Serbian government has asked its people not to throw away hand grenades or other wartime munitions they may have lying around. The government recently passed tighter restrictions on privately held weapons, which has given rise to fears that people will dump their leftover munitions to avoid punishment.
It’s estimated that hundreds of thousands of munitions are privately held, but if Obama gets re-elected, they’ll probably try to bring that number down to zero.
Look, world peaceniks. The U.S. would love to disarm our nuclear stockpile, but we can’t because — what’s that behind you?! An asteroid?!
According to one line item from the U.S. Government Authority Office’s Report to the U.S. Senate’s Subcommittee on Energy and Water Development on Actions Needed by
National Nuclear Security Administration (NNSA) to Clarify Dismantlement Performance Goal … Good god. We need to disarm the U.S. government’s keyboards.
Anyway, according to that report, those older nukes that were going to be dismantled as newer, presumably eco-friendlier weapons are phased in have been earmarked for use in planetary defense. The plan is to hopefully devise the means to launch them at incoming asteroids before we’re wiped out with one.
And that’s all fine and good, but what about our nukes, as in the ones that you, me and every other Joe Six-pack isn’t allowed to own? Asteroids, meteorites, comets — those can all seriously impact (ah-ha!) our property values. This isn’t Encino Man; we can’t turn every crater into a senior prom pool party.
Nope. If the government gets nukes to prevent holes in America, then the American people deserve nukes to prevents holes in their azalea gardens.
In The Dark Knight Rises, Gotham City is held hostage by bomb that could kill thousands. That’s how the citizens of three Newfoundland towns must feel right now, except without the imploded football stadium.
As a non-terrorist organization (unless the Southern Poverty Law Center has received our application), The Guys freely admit that we are not experts in the field of suicide bombing. And we’re not teachers, either, so maybe we don’t have a robust perspective on continuing adult education and jobs training programs.
Non-credentials aside, we can safely say that safety is paramount when training the terrorists of tomorrow.
Iraqi officials report that Sunni militants accidentally detonated a practice car bomb at their training facility north of Baghdad, killing 21 potential “another person’s freedom-fighters” before they could blow themselves up upon graduation. And to heap on the embarrassment, those officials were then able to arrest an additional 22 militants in the chaos.
Learning a new trade later in life, especially in a bad economy, can be both exciting and a little scary. So, while yes, it’s good to go that extra mile in class presentations … you might want to leave your C4 at home.
Another possible reason to stay out of the Midwest: pig farms are blowing up, and no one’s really sure why.
In recent years, hog farms have been exploding, and it’s related to foamy manure. Farmers started noticing that their hogs’ poop had a great deal of foam on it. Turns out, the foam contains methane and hydrogen sulfide, which are pretty flammable. This has left human scientists with two mysteries.
The first of which is why the pig manure is foaming in the first place, and why it’s only been happening in recent years. Some believe it’s caused by an enriched animal feed that has gained popularity, but tests aren’t conclusive.
The other, and more haunting question, is how do the sparks occur? If there’s no one around to set a fire, that must mean that, good god, the pigs have learned how to create fire.