Important winter driving safety tip
Posted on January 29, 2010
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It’s cold outside, as it pretty much is for the Northern Hemisphere every January. But here at SG, we want you to remain safe AND warm, which is why we are here to warn you that no matter how much sense it might make, no matter how tempting it could be, do not put a space (or “blow,” as they say in Europe) heater under the hood of your car to warm it up faster as you wait indoors.
A German man did just that, only to have his car explode, and the remnants of it burst into flames. So to review: oil and gasoline + space heater = no more car.
Written by Bryan McBournieAsk your local terror provider for ‘Al-Qaeda’
Posted on January 20, 2010
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They may be officially called “adhesive bandages,” but no matter who makes ‘em, we still call them “Bandaids.” It’s not a tissue, it’s a “Kleenex.” We didn’t hold up the liquor store with an “assault rifle,” we used our trusty “Kalashnikov.”
And, as demonstrated by our invasion of Iraq, the U.S. doesn’t respond to “terror,” but to “Al-Qaeda.”
However, if your local terror provider didn’t carry that brand of Al-Qaeda terror we’ve grown to fear and trust, then have we got news for you: the Kings of Dramedy (“It’s funny and sad because it’s true!) are going into syndication to help spread their brand into previously untapped markets.
That’s right: if you’ve had to put up with generic Taliban (more like “Talibland“) and Lashkar-i-Taiba (more like “Lashkar-i-Suck“) terrorism, then don’t despair! Namebrand terror is on its way!
Written by Rick SneeSpoilers: space is full of death
Posted on August 31, 2009
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Remember, in space, no one can hear an emo planet cut itself.
A planet ten times the size of Jupiter is orbiting so close to its parent star, that it orbits in less than a single Earth day. It has one million years until one of the tidal plasma bulges its gravity is excreting on its parent star catch up with it, and then … KAPLOOIE!
So, why is this news? Because, technically, the planet is our galactic neighbor.
So, why isn’t this news? Cue on the word “technically.” By that, I mean that the planet is 325 light years away from Earth.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorOr you could just walk out of the building
Posted on July 10, 2009
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Natural gas is the third most dangerous form of energy (nuclear is #1 and wind, which slices off 40,000 limbs a year in the U.S. alone, is #2). It can blow you up. The best part is, it gets pumped right into your house!
The same goes for hotel rooms but it’s important to be careful. Should someone call your hotel room and tell you there is a gas leak, so you need to smash a hole through a wall so that the man trapped in the next room can get out, this may not be a great idea. The same thing goes for if that person then tells you to take the toilet tank and throw it through the window. Additionally, you may want to be skeptical if they tell you to throw your mattress out the window and tell you to get ready to jump.
Written by Bryan McBournie‘No, you hang up first …’
Posted on July 6, 2009
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President Barack Obama and Russian puppet President Dmitry Medvedev reached an agreement, committing to reduce their nuclear arsenals, on only their first day of the Moscow summit.
They quickly agreed to reduce from 2200 warheads to only 1500 or so. (That scraped 500 nukes spares a couple of American cities that are too close to Canada and the populated regions of Siberia.)
Of course, the moment of agreement grew tense when neither president would agree over who would miss who more until day two of the summit. The situation was miraculously resolved when Secretary of State Clinton suggested they each go back to their rooms and write letters to prove it.
Written by Rick SneeScrewed up royally?
Posted on April 14, 2009
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British people might argue that Americans can’t understand what it’s like to support an archaic family dynasty that wields no real power anymore. To that The Guys reply, “Well, yeah. What are you, retarded?”
Of course, the British do the same thing with their useless family lineages that we do with ours during wars: send them to military school indefinitely, and — if that doesn’t work out — stick them in the National Guard until the conflict blows over.
Prince William managed to make the news for once because of reports alleging that he grounded a training jet during flight school by toggling when he should have flicked, resulting in an “overcooked” jet engine. It’s a fairly common mistake and only a big deal because his Dad is waiting for his grandmother to die before growing up.
The Little Prince still passed flight school and is currently training to be a search-and-rescue helicopter pilot. He also holds commissions in the British Navy and Army. If he joins one more branch, does he get to wear a super-duper uniform that incorporates the best parts from all services?
Written by Rick SneeThe problem with subs
Posted on March 20, 2009
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If there’s one thing the U.S. can’t abide, it’s being showed up by their European counterparts. After a U.S. and Russian satellite collision, Olde Wyrlde rivals, the British and the French, kicked it old school and collided a couple of submarines.
If there’s one thing this country persists in, it’s our Navy! (Official motto: “200 years of tradition, unimpeded by progress!”) Americans won’t just sit back and let our backwards cousins to the East relive the technological adventures of the 19th century alone. We’ve followed up with not just a sub collision, but a sub colliding into a state-of-the-art amphibious troop carrier!
…
OK, so maybe these sub collisions aren’t intentional. If so, then maybe it’s time to make them a little less stealth? For the safety of sailors everywhere?
Another end-of-the-world orgy thwarted
Posted on March 2, 2009
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Astronomers only received three-days’ notice about an asteroid whizzing perilously close to the planet we all drink at. Had it actually hit, it would have “exploded on or near the surface with the force of a large nuclear blast.”
Reports are unclear about where it would have impacted, but three days is hardly enough time for anyone to organize an end-of-the -world orgy … except those already orgying it up, but run-of-the-mill group debauchery is hardly a noteworthy celebration, now is it?
We, here at SG, are furious at the astronomy community. In the future, we demand more notice of life-ending cosmic calamities. (Also, more rock n’ roll laser-light shows at planetariums!)
Fortunately, there is a silver lining to this not-so-ominous cloud: the asteroid passed so close that it is caught in Earth’s gravity, so there may be repeat near-death experiences. Keep those hot tubs hot!
The beginning of every Michael Bay movie
Posted on February 23, 2009
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Every criminal has their thing. Some have cats, others henchmen. Some of them use guns, others mental brainwaves.Some rob banks, others try to destroy the world.
Nikos Paleokostas uses a helicopter to escape from prison. Now repeatedly.
The Greek government and the definition of “maximum security” has been foiled once again by Paleokostas and the third dimension when two unidentified men hijacked a helicopter from Athens International Airport, flew it to Korydallos Prison and lifted the flighty inmate and a friend, Alket Riza, off the roof using a rope ladder.
Just to drive this punchline home: this is the second time he’s made this same escape from the same damn prison. They never took measures to prevent this from happening again, like keeping Paleokostas indoors or installing anti-aircraft weaponry.
So, to Korydallos Prison, we have to say, shame on you.
Written by Rick SneeIn water, no one can hear you say ‘glub’
Posted on February 16, 2009
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Following last week’s satellite collision (prompting a new category), Ye Olde Wyrlde tried to catch up with us trendy, zippy space-faring nations.
A British nuclear submarine and a French one collided in the North Atlantic. There were no injuries, no trans-oceanic debris collides and no potential risk to other underwater things according to official reports.
In fact, the only aspect remotely related to the awesome satellite collision is that it occurred between two formally bitter rivals. The British and the French have fought several wars throughout history, including one that lasted at least one hundred years, but that war’s name escapes us.
(You want history? If it ain’t Nazis or Confederates, buy a library.)
Could this be the beginning of a new French and Indian War? The Iroquis Confederation has not returned our calls for comment.
Written by Rick Snee keep looking ยป