Category: KAPLOOIE!

It was in their name the whole time

As any medical drama will resort to when the ratings get low, the scariest murderers are doctors because, as protectors of human life, they know every off-switch (like our susceptibility to grillbrush bristles). Or how, according to police dramas in a similar pickle, cops make the best criminals.

Well, it was only a matter of time before firemen — or firepeople, as they’re called nowadays — lived up to the ironic double-meaning of their name. It turned out they were both flammable and inflammable this whole time.

… What? Those words mean the same thing? Then what do you call things that can’t be set on fire? Forget it. This is just a rehash of our old argument that somehow “pervy” isn’t the opposite of “impervious.”

Rooting out snake suicide bombers

We’ve been fighting this War on Animals for so long that we can’t even remember if we’ve warned you about snake suicide bombers. We’ll err on the side of caution and say we told you so, anyway.

The Florida Everglades are so overgrown that pythons have turned it into their own veritable pit. Partly because of irresponsible species traitors who drop them off shortly after bringing them to the U.S. — and partly due to an exotic snake warehouse destroyed by Hurricane Andrew in 1992 — the enemy has dug into the wild, untamed region where even our armed forces can barely reach them.

And now, they’re planning to bomb us. Otherwise, why would officials fighting the good fight enlist bomb-sniffing dogs to find them?

U.S. Coast Guard declares war on g-g-ghost pirates

After a long letter-writing campaign by The Guys, it appears the U.S. Coast Guard — or should we say Ghost Guard — is finally taking the ghost pirate menace on our shores seriously.

Our boys in orange sank a Japanese ghost ship, the Ryou-Un Mara or Maru (nobody wanted to get close enough to confirm), off the coast of Alaska after confirming the worst: no living souls aboard. It was determined the most prudent action after a Canadian fishing boat accepted a dare to salvage the ship, but then chickened out, saying, “Like, let’s get out of here, eh?”

The Guys have long maintained that ghosts most often enter our country illegally through our many miles of unguarded coastline and porous borders. By finally putting more boots on the ground and in boats, we can protect our domestic ghost — and ghostbusting — jobs from apparitions willing to haunt abandoned theme parks and manors for less pay.

April Fools asholeroid

Is it April 2 yet? OK, good.

Every year, The Guys hunker down for 24 hours every April 1 to avoid what is the most annoying day in the world. Entire Web sites become unusable, whoopie cushions are on every chair and all the news is (more) unreliable at best.

And this year? It turns out we were right to take shelter in our bunker — which contains our servers and vintage erotica — because an asteroid got in on the “fun” by making an unpermitted flyby yesterday.

So now 7 year olds are too good for lap dance money?

Remember earlier in the week when SG told you about an overly-benevolent strip club that saved a local little league from plunging into financial destitution? It was only going to be the best movie found on The Hallmark Channel.

Well, save those tissues that were obviously going to be used for and only for tears, because it’s all exploded in the faces of everyone involved. Coincidentally enough, that also happens at strip clubs. Solely due to the souffles found at the buffet, of course.

The manager of the league has decided that the league does not need the money … specifically, the strip club’s money. It’s still currently financially destitute after returning the donation, but both the strip club’s owner and the league’s manager hope that the news has drummed up enough attention to their plight. Reportedly a paramedic has donated 1600 dollars, but does that money come from broken dreams and c-sections? I think not.

Rogue Girl Scouts’ little stunt has the Mayor asking for our leader hats

Johnson! Cotton! Get in our office!

We’ve got the city superintendent breathing down our necks about a couple of loose cannons causing mayhem in the streets. Oh? You don’t know what we’re talking about? How does this jog your memory:

One unidentified perp pulled up to a certain cookie-selling stakeout, jumped out of his car and nabbed a cash box containing $200. During his attempt to drive off, one Girl Scout, Iravia Cotton, punched the assailant, while the other, Rachel Johnson, jumped on the getaway car. Johnson was dragged by the car, sustaining minor scrapes and bruises.

You know, we ought to take your sashes and berets. God knows the Commissioner wants us to, and your style may not be “orthodox” or “by the scout handbook,” but dammit … you get results. We’re putting you back out there, and if we hear just one more word about your hijinks, you’ll be manning a desk beat in less time than we can eat this box of Thin Mints.

You there! Cancer or death?

The Guys take comedy very seriously, and when a new advancement is made in the field of practical jokes, then we feel that it is our responsibility — nay, our duty — to give it the recognition it deserves. Would the inventor of the exploding cigar-sized electronic cigarette please step forward?

Thanks to your efforts, Unidentified Purveyor of Alternative Nicotine Dispensers, a new generation will know the joy of exploding cigars as leaf-based smoking products continue their death march to illegality. And, let’s not forget the cultural impact of your invention: thousands of animated shorts from the 1930s, ’40s and ’50s will remain relevant for using the analog equivalent to your fine product.

But, it also improves on the original. Whereas the analog exploding cigar would blacken the victim’s face and — at its inflammatory — inspire minstrelsy, the digital model induces severe burns, knocks out teeth, severs portions of the tongue and ejects the flaming battery, causing a structure fire if left unchecked.

So, step forward and accept your reward. And afterwards, we’ll smoke a congratulatory e-cigarette. Don’t worry; we always have seltzer bottles on hand. We’re comedy professionals.

The Chronicles of Argentina: The Voyage of the H.M.S. Dauntless

Nearly two years ago, we brought you news of a possible re-ignition of the United Kingdom and Argentina’s war over the Falkland Islands. Well, while things are getting spicier down there (the only way the Argentines know how), it looks like this war will be served cold, which is the best way to enjoy UKFC Extra Crispy Puffin the next day.

The recent assignment of a warship carrying Prince William to the islands for war games has led the Argentinean government to call Bill a conquistador. This is a grave insult because it implies his new bride gave him smallpox. And recent bans by an alliance of South American nations on an ships bearing Falklands flags led British Prime Minister David Cameron accusing Argentine President Cristina Fernandez of “colonialist” aims at retaking the island.

Between the Argentines’ Spanish conquistador heritage and the U.K.’s history of colonialism, pots and kettles everywhere are at risk of fighting the war these two nations are dancing around.