Category: Kidz Korner

The last Harry Potter book comes out on July 21, which means that you’ll never have to read another book again …. Or does it?

There are plenty of other supercool fantasy series to read after Harry Potter presumably dies at the hands of superior wizard, Volde-whatever. They may not take place at Hogwarts, but they’re just as magical.

1) The complete works of Jackie Collins. You’ve had your fun as a wizard-in-training. Now live out your next set of fantasies as a sexy Hollywood executive, sexy lawfirm partner or even a sexy pool boy/girl. Just like wizardry, not everyone can be magical or sexy, but it’s fun to pretend.

2) Fan fiction. Only a mouse-click away, you can read the shallow attempts of others to insert themselves into prominent roles in your favorite nerdiverses. And if you read enough, then you, too, can write yourself saving the crew of the USS Enterprise by reversing the polarity on the coffeemaker or mouth-to-mouth resuscitating an unconscious Hermione Granger.

3) The Chronicles of Narnia. It’s a magical world with heroic kids and has movies to watch as you get older and lazier. Best yet, it’s full of Christian allegory, so you can save your soul after filling it with witchcraft and goblin-banking. WWJR? These books, of course.

4) The Bible. If the allegories in Narnia don’t cut it for you, then go right to the teat for the greatest-selling fantasy story of all time. Just like Harry Potter, there are giants, villains that can turn into snakes, bearded wizards with magical staffs, ghosts (angels), and a plucky young hero that performs magic. Just a warning: it gets a little preachy.

5) The complete works of Anne Coulter. You, too, can pretend there’s a mass conspiracy against American values. Unlike the imaginary battle with evil magicians, this is a war that never has to end because there will always be new things to complain about. If J.K. Rowling taught you how to be a wizard, Coulter will teach you how to be a witch.

As you can see, the fantasy never has to end! Get to a library (it’s a big building with free books and no sorting hats) and start exploring new wor(l)ds July 22. It lets the dogs out!

The Army has a big new problem: nobody wants to join. They think people are afraid to sign up because of the war in Iraq. Well, that’s no fun!

The whole point of joining the Army is to go to war. Who wants to join the military only to wear camouflage at Wal-mart? Young men and women are supposed to enlist because they want to go to exciting places and blow them up!

Think about what you want to be when you grow up. Would you want to be a firefighter that only washes the trucks? How about an actor that only waits tables and auditions for roles? Or even an Michael Collins, who had to mind the ship while Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin moon-bounced? Of course you wouldn’t!

It’s up to you, kids! Sign up at your local recruitment center and demand service in the giant sandbox before we’re stuck in another one of those lame-o peacetime ruts. Otherwise, you’re just playing Dress-Up … and that’s a girls’ game.

Hey, kids! We’re sure you’ve had this argument before:

Billy: I’m older!
Jimmy: No, I’m older!
Billy: I’m older because I’m 8 and you’re 7.
Jimmy: Well … I’ll be 8 on my birthday!
Billy: I’ll already be 8, and then I’ll be 9 on my birthday, dummyhead.

Doesn’t it hurt when you’re called a dummyhead? Don’t you wish you could show Billy who’s the dummyhead, make all the pain go away and be older than him on your next birthday?

Your wish has been granted, thanks to guns!

Now your parents and teachers may say guns are dangerous, but who are they kidding? Adults have settled disputes with guns since the days of the early Egyptians! (Bryan, can you check the date on the first working gun?)

Why, if it weren’t for guns, you’d be speaking English right now because we never would have killed the king in 1776! Extreme, right?!

So how can guns be dangerous when they solve all of your problems? Of course they can’t. Fortunately, now you know better.

Hey, kids! Welcome to another edition of our Kidz Korner! It’s kah-raa-azay!

If we could get a little serious though, there’s something the guys want to talk to you about: dangerous online content. You see, there are some things out there on the Internet that you might be curious about, but are too embarrassed to ask a parent about.

Things like hip-hop, drums and bass, trance, acid jazz, and polka are difficult topics to broach with adults who are uncool. Fortunately, we are cool, so here’s the straight skinny, yo!

Downloading music is dangerous. You are very likely to contract a virus and be grounded up to three, maybe four, weeks. The worst part is that you might download the music and realize you don’t like Gloria Gaynor anyway. What a whack, right?

Do like the LA Times suggests and stick with porn. It’s cleaner than that dirty old music and will keep you entertained far longer than the bands you like now.

See ya next time, kidz!