MasterChugs Theater: ‘I Know Who Killed Me’

I Know Who Killed Me feels like a deliberate exercise in cinematic ineptitude. When movies are released theatrically, they carry with them an obligation to at least appear professional and possess some kind of virtue to entice the audience. With its amateur presentation, “I Know” is better suited as a direct-to-DVD release, or perhaps as a midnight movie on the USA Network back in the early 90’s. It shouldn’t have been made this way at all. Many times, it’s been said about some movies by other people that “pornos have better plots.” I don’t know about better plots, but in regards to this movie, perhaps higher standards.

Given Lindsay Lohan’s colorful public behavior and continuing legal difficulties, playing a stripper with a crackhead mom might not have been the best way to distract from her tabloid image. Fortunately, in the attempted psychological thriller I Know Who Killed Me, Lohan also plays a wealthy college student who writes fiction, excels at the piano and refuses to sleep with her boyfriend. That’s all right, then. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘I Know Who Killed Me’

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li’

The original Street Fighter, the Jean Claude Van Damme/Kylie Minogue/Ming Na vehicle that managed to kill the great Raul Julia, is not a good movie. It never was, and anyone that thought it was is a fool. However, it does have one fairly redeeming value-it’s flat out hilarious how bad it is. With lines uttered by Van Damme (playing the incredibly American soldier, William Guile) like “You sun hof ha beetch” and “Ow-fah, uht-tack”, it made the movie utterly enjoyable.

Over a decade and a half later, we have Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. It’s not connected to Street Fighter outside of its characters having the same names as some of the characters from the original. It’s also not a good movie. And that’s it. Unlike the original, there is nothing redeeming about it. Let’s find out why. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li’

MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Grudge’

If there’s one thing you should know in your life, it’s that The Grudge is absolutely horrible. No, I take that back-it’s atrocious. Don’t watch it. Ever. Never ever. Never ever never ever.

In the event, though, that you take my advice, you could find yourself with approximately 90 some minutes and nothing to do. Fret not-I’m here for you, gentle soul. Hit the jump and you’ll know why. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Grudge’

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Juwanna Mann’

Awful April continues, and frankly folks, it doesn’t exactly get better from here. We’ve got another stinker from the past decade-which, honestly, is odd. You would think that by now, more than a century since the beginning of movie-making, we’d be able to not make cinematic schlock.

You’d be wrong. You’d be dead wrong.

Hollywood loves to dress up men in drag. Who knows why? Certainly I’d rather not get into the Freudian aspects of that, simply because this is MasterChugs Theater, not DoctorChugs Couch. Sometimes, they can be halfway decent-see Some Like It Hot for inspiration like that. Most of the time though, they’re just bad-see Sorority Boys and Tootsie.

And then there’s Juwanna Mann, a film most probably hailing from the bowels of Beelzebub. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Juwanna Mann’

MasterChugs Theater: ‘House of the Dead’

Awful April begins, and boy do we have a doozy. German director Uwe Boll is one of the few to succeed in making most people cower in terror. Sadly, not because the movie we’re gonna take a look at is a scary movie per se, more that $12,000,000 was wasted on such a celluloid abomination. House of the Dead is that rare beast that goes beyond bad and then beyond “so bad it’s good” into its own little niche where even the most die-hard horror fans fear to tread.

When talking about this movie, think “so bad it’s irredeemable”.

Want to know why? Are you a hardcore masochist? Figure out for yourself the answer to both questions and just hit the jump already. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘House of the Dead’