Your eyes do not deceive you: we’re reviewing American Ninja 4: The Annihilation before American Ninja 3. See, there’s a logic for that-Our Lord Dudikoff never made an appearance in the third movie of the great American movie series. Luckily, he showed up to the franchise for THE GREATEST NINJA FILM EVER.
Don’t let my words fool you. This movie isn’t filed under the movie morts for no reason. It’s bad. Oh, it’s bad. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘American Ninja 4’
The original American Ninja introduced us to Michael Dudikoff as a blond-haired, blue-eyed U.S. soldier skilled in the arts of ninjitsu. In all ways it was an action movie that represented the decade of its birth: excessive, somewhat shallow and pure VHS filler.
American Ninja 2: The Confrontation, on the other hand, isn’t just a movie, it is truth in advertisement to the letter. Not only does it feature an American ninja but it also has a confrontation. So right there we must give credit where credit is due, because damn it, some movies don’t even get this right so at least the movie candidly delivers what it said it would. Some would mock the title, claiming such viscous things as “Have you seen a ninja movie without a confrontation?” But DAMN IT, this is no call for criticism, it’s for PRAISE. And strangely enough, that’s the only negative thing he says about American Ninja 2, but can you blame him? I sure wouldn’t want to irritate the American Ninja, especially after seeing his invincible standards here. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘American Ninja 2’
Annnnnnd we’re back.
See, we gave you a special edition of MasterChugs Theater last week in order help celebrate the birthday of SeriouslyGuys. But now, it’s back to the grind. Quality movies like you wouldn’t believe, and with the recent Oscar season having ended so soon, that shouldn’t be too hard at all. I mean, look at the sheer number of quality movies that came out in the past year. In fact, while some of them may not have been top level movie of the year films, the large amount of movies for the expanded Best Picture of the Year category should at least be noteworthy.
Oh, wait, what’s that? You tell me that it’s March? Hmm. Well, time to scrap those above plans, as we all know what that means.
Let’s celebrate this year’s edition with the greatest American action movie star of the 80’s: Michael Dudikoff. In doing so, we can only kick start a celebration of The Dudikoff (He complies) properly by examining the great film in his filmography: American Ninja. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘American Ninja’
The final entry in MasterChugs March Movie Mort Month is upon us. It’s loud. It’s painful. It’s got really big guns and possibly bigger muscles. It totally fits the theme for this year, which as some of you might have been able to tell, is “cinematic video-game adaptation bombs,” and boy howdy, is this movie ever a real life equivalent of Vampire Rain. That’s right, I’m talking about the one, the only, Doom. Step right in to feel the pain.
Having played all of the entries in the Doom game series, I can approach this movie from multiple viewpoints; however, I’m just going to approach it from the POV of a normal film-goer, as it tends to be the least headache-inducing.
There comes a time in every boy’s life where he makes a fateful decision: video games or computer games. While the majority tend to make the former their choice, a select few will choose the latter. Within that percentage, the majority of individuals will become privy to a series of games known as Wing Commander. A simple space flight simulator, the original game was a shining example of its time: slightly choppy full motion video heralded by a B-level actor or actress (in Wing Commander‘s case, Luke Skywalker and voice of the Joker himself, Mark Hamill) coupled with fairly revolutionary game-play. Given that the first game was created in 1990 and thus became a cult success, it only makes sense for a movie to be made based on the franchise nine years later, right? It’s OK though, because Freddie Prinze Jr. (fresh from his complimentary hit, She’s All That), relatively unheard of Saffron Burrows and Matthew Lilliard get to be attached to it, and thus Wing Commander was born. However, since this is MasterChugs March Movie Mort Month, there’s got to be something wrong with the movie, and boy oh boy, is there ever. Hit the cut to find out. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Wing Commander’
Let the terror of “MasterChugs March Movie Mort Month” (yes, we’re still big fans of alliteration) continue onward! Prepare for the most star-studded cast that you may have ever seen before: Mark Dacascos, Scott Wolf, Alyssa Milano, Vanna White, George Hamilton, Michael Berryman, and Robert Patrick. With a grouping like that, you can’t go wrong with Double Dragon, right? Well, let’s keep in mind one thing–if it falls under this month’s theme, then there’s definitely something wrong on celluloid. And boy oh boy, is there ever something wrong with this picture. We’re talking stinker of one of the highest kinds. Don’t believe me? Step on inside and see. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Double Dragon’
SeriouslyGuys turned two earlier this week. This can mean two things: 1) it’s March, and 2) if it’s March, then it’s the season for the birthdays of both my mother and my younger brother. And, faithful reader, how do I celebrate those birthdays? With the triumphant return of “MasterChugs March Movie Mort Month.” Yes, loyal SG-ites will remember that during the month of our birthday, I celebrate the absolute bottom of the film world. Be afraid, as it’s not going to be a fun ride. What’s the first bump? A little film called Super Mario Bros. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Super Mario Bros.’
First off, let me preface this review with a wish: happy birthday Alicia!
OK, with that said, hold on tight everyone–we’ve now reached the nadir of cinema. Yes, this movie would assuredly be labeled by myself as The Worst Movie of All Time. Granted, to those that know me, this probably isn’t too much of a surprise, though at least now I have a soapbox upon which to rant. Cower in fear as the the fifth horsemen of the apocalypse, Timeline, comes to destroy your eyes.
Back when I reviewed Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky, I made a statement that “there are some movies that make their audience treasure the life that they have … [some] movies [that] make us laugh … others [that] have been known to renew our faith” and some that make “the audience go ‘THAT WAS [CENSORED] INCREDIBLE!.'” I really need to make an amendment to that, as there’s yet another category for movies: ones that are clearly used as weapons of mass destruction. Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd most assuredly falls into that category.
Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd’
Greetings once again to a very special MasterChugs Theater! Why is it special? Because March is Movie Mort Month! So, what qualifies a movie to be a mort for these reviews? Well, it can’t be anything from Nu Image–that’s just too easy. Movies involving Gary Busey sadly can’t be included for obvious reasons as well. Instead, it’s gotta be special … and yes, I don’t mean child math genius special. With that said, we’ve got a very special one this week. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Jack Frost!
