Zima is back in case you want to punish yourself

Learn from our mistakes, kids.

Despite the fact that it is an awful thing, food nostalgia refuses to go away. Last year we saw Ecto Cooler and Crystal Pepsi returned to stores. This year, 1990s-era malt beverage Zima will be sold again for some reason.

Yes, Zima, the grandfather of Smirnoff Ice, has been brought back by MillerCoors. Luckily, it’s only for a limited time. Zima first came on the market in 1993. It was marketed as a citrusy clear malt beverage answering to the wine cooler craze of its era. According to MillerCoors, production of Zima stopped in 2008, although no one had seen it in the wild for nearly a decade by then.

This sugary, throwback alcoholic drink is sure to be a summer hit with high schoolers who have fake IDs.

CDC warns hipsters may ironically get anthrax from shaving

Everything was just more elegant back then.

Some guys are really into shaving. They’re so into it that they rebel against those super-expensive, multi-bladed monsters, and instead go for expensive, vintage shaving tools to feel fancy. But these guys could be giving themselves old school anthrax.

The Centers for Disease Control has put out a warning to hipsters everywhere that their vintage shaving brushes could come with free vintage anthrax spores. Back around World War I there was a pretty bad outbreak of head and face anthrax in the U.S. and U.K. Researchers are concerned that brushes from before 1930 will carry these anthrax spores and cause a new outbreak among hipsters. All it takes is a nick in the skin for the spores to enter your body and before long, you’ve got swelling, bumps and blisters that could potentially kill you.

But hey, using some other guy’s old shaving stuff is so cool.

Oregon lawmakers consider legalizing duels

The Broadway musical Hamilton has popularized a lot of things — $10 bills, powdered wigs and theater nerds rapping. But most importantly, it’s gotten people asking, “Why can’t politicians murder each other anymore?” Spoiler alert: Alexander Hamilton says he didn’t throw away his shot just before he dies.

An Oregon state lawmaker wants to see a revival of the once-popular trend of duels. Sen. Brian Boquist thinks it’s stupid that the state constitution specifically prohibits politicians from holding duels. Apparently when the state was founded, they wanted to make sure that elected officials wouldn’t murder each other, even though racism was A-OK.

Boquist claims he doesn’t want to legally ice any of his coworkers, he just wants to make a point about outdated laws on the books. But you won’t find his fellow senators impugning his honor, either.

Nostalgia-crazed snake on a plane

The internet has been a place where people can come together to laugh and promote awful ideas for a fair amount of its existence. Long before Boaty McBoatface or pretty much every online poll to name anything ever, there was 2006’s Snakes on a Plane.

The film marked Samuel L. Jackson’s full transformation into a living meme, and is probably why we ended up with those Sharknado movies. The problem is that the movie shone a spotlight on a huge security risk for all the animals to see. That’s why a decade later we’re still seeing stories about snakes on planes. This time a passenger left his snake on a local Alaska airline, and it was found during the following flight.

Luckily for passengers, the snake wasn’t venomous, and flight attendants caught it and locked it in a storage bin until the plane was safely on the ground.

Since we’re here, let’s take a trip back to 2006 with a demonstrational video on how to smuggle snakes onto a plane.

Extinct plant perfume: Smells like nostalgia

For the last couple centuries, humanity has been kicking ass in the War on Plants. But some perfume makers want to bring some of those long-extinct species back–at least their scents.

Ginkgo Bioworks is going to make a whole new slew of scents from plants that have gone extinct in the last 2oo years or so. Researchers plan to take DNA from extinct plants and splice them into yeast to create produce the essence of the plants’ flowers. Of course, no one living can actually verify what these plants smelled like, so it’s very possible they’re just going to charge you for a bottle of scientist farts.

It’s sort of like Jurassic Park, only stuff is only a couple hundred years old and none of it will kill you, unless chaos theory is right again.

NASA may reissue classic album

Vinyl is the most coveted audio media today. Old people like their records for nostalgia reasons, and hipsters like them because they like acting like things that suck are actually somehow better than what we moved on to. And NASA is cashing in on the trend, if a Kickstarter campaign works out.

Back in the 70s, NASA collaborated with Carl Sagan to create an album like no other. It bares some resemblance to the modern day mix tapes (that aren’t actual tapes). It features a collection of greetings in different languages, sounds of animals, different types of music — pretty out-there stuff for the age of disco. And because NASA is the pimp agency of the federal government, the album was made on gold discs. The album was then launched into space on Voyagers 1 and 2, in hopes that aliens will one day enjoy NASA’s fresh beats. But it was never released here on Earth, not even Sagan could get a copy of the record.

But now, it’s going to be reissued–on vinyl, not gold–for the public to hear. If the Kickstarter campaign meets its funding goal, The Gold Album by NASA feat. Carl “C. Saggy” Sagan, will be reissued and heard by the ears of Earthlings everywhere.

*Now* your childhood is under attack

More like Crystal Pepsi Cola-ra! (No, seriously, even David Novak, the inventor of Crystal Pepsi, said that it wasn't very good.)
More like Crystal Pepsi Cola-ra! (No, seriously — even David Novak, the inventor of Crystal Pepsi, said that it wasn’t very good.)

We may be The Guys, but, even as guys, we’ll give the new Ghostbusters movie the fair shake it got from Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd … once our check clears in an amount commensurate to our worth compared to Murray and Aykroyd. (So, about a case of Ecto-Coolers.) Until we see the movie, we’ll hold off accusing Kristen Wiig of killing our childhood.

Or, we can refocus that ire at a company that’s actually trying to weaponize nostalgia: Pepsi. Not only does Pepsi plan to re-release everyone’s I Love the ’90s punchline, Crystal Pepsi, but they’re also launching a terrible Oregon Trail clone¬†around it:

The goal of the video game, dubbed “The Crystal Pepsi Trail,” is to “collect as many 90s items along the trail as you can with your dawgs,” according to a developmental version of the game given to Ad Age.

Instead of hunting buffalo and doing your best to avoid dysentery, players of the remade game will seek out items of pop culture from yesteryear including pagers, bucket hats and Tamagotchi.

Yes, the opening shots on your childhood have been fired. Right now. It’s what’s happening right now. Right now. Riiiiiiight now. What are you waiting for?

Toxic blob heading toward Cleveland — again

Cleveland is a tough, proud town on Lake Erie. Sure everyone likes to make fun of its sports teams because they are awful, but the people endure. And it’s no wonder that people in The Cleve yearn for days gone by. Those who miss the 1970s may soon have a reminder on tap.

It seems a blob of toxic sludge dredged from the Cuyahoga River in the 1970s and dumped into Lake Erie is making its way toward an intake pipe that supplies water for the Cleveland metro area. The industrial waste blob is about two miles long, and is just five miles away from a water treatment plant and its intake pipe, state health officials warn. It’s some of the same carcinogenic sludge that caught fire in the Cuyahoga River in 1952 and 1969. Here’s Randy Newman with a quick history lesson.

Cleveland, an old friend is coming home.

Nostalgia-crazed scientists want to bring back ancient lion species

In recent centuries, mankind has been on a winning streak in wiping out animals. But we still have our work cut out for us, and we don’t need scientists bringing back ancient species on top of that.

That’s why a team of Russian and South Korean scientists needs to be stopped. They are working on extracting DNA from a pair of frozen cave lions that were found frozen in Russia last year. Our ancestors killed off the Panthera leo atrox some 12,000 years ago, and we are safer for it. But now, these foolish people in lab coats want to bring them back.

Should they be successful, The Guys are organizing a hunting party. Spears only. Be there.

Hot beer is the hot new thing

Most people worth knowing like beer. Even better people like craft beer. But the problem with liking craft beer is that you have to keep up with the hottest trends. Now, it’s hot beer.

Beer geeks know that beer doesn’t have to be served ice cold, despite what Coors Light commercials say. Some European brews are even served at room temperature. But the cool kids are heating up their beer now. Turns out it’s actually a tradition that died out during the 19th century, when weary travelers would come in from the cold to sit by a tavern fire with a hot mug of beer.

Just remember to pour the beer out of the can before you microwave it.