Do you know how scared animals are of The Guys? They’re so scared that, when we take a week off, they feel safe enough to kick back in human sex swings. (That’s what hammocks are for in America’s swingingest, most penis-shaped state, right?)
That black bear is just lucky that he wasn’t wearing a hoodie while being in some Floridian’s backyard.
If you fear growing old due to dementia, then Bloomberg reported good news: people in their 90s are mentally sharper than those born a decade earlier!
But, Bloomberg also accidentally reported bad news in their lead graphic:
Or, in fewer than 1,000 words: You will be an able-minded prisoner in your own withered body.
According to their report, both last decade’s and this decade’s nonagenarians were on par for physical strength — pretty much none. However, advances in technology like scooters, ramps, and chair lifts have improved mobility for this decade’s 90-year-olds.
So, it looks like Star Trek accurately predicted our future yet again:
Or, at best, Aliens did:
Either way, The Guys don’t plan to call off our 50th birthday suicide pact just yet. Unless that Italian guy really does perfect head transplants.
On the other, we’ve also embraced animals as symbols for ourselves. We’ve named our worst sports teams after them. Who hasn’t been accused of being a grumpy bear or randy lion? Even our country’s emblem features a bald eagle.
We’ve lived with this wartime ambivalence for 237 years. But, now, those very same bald eagles we put on our money and kill with pesticides have forced our hand, making Seattle move their official 4th of July fireworks display because it might scare some baby eagles.
Gee, where did these eaglets learned to be afraid of us? Maybe they learned it at the anti-human summer terrorist camps that their parents send them to.
What anti-human summer terrorist camps, you ask, citizens of Seattle? The ones just waiting to be uncovered if you go ahead with your fireworks as originally scheduled. You’ll probably find other animals there — ones we routinely explode every Fourth — thinking that hanging out with eagles would protect them. Light ‘em all up for freedom and mankind.
There may be two popes in the Vatican these days (OK, technically one’s Pope Emeritus), but only one of them just performed an exorcism in broad daylight. The real surprise is that it wasn’t the showy one.
After a recent mass, Pope Francis laid his hands on a man in a wheelchair and prayed over him. The man then convulsed in his wheelchair and slumped over. A television station that covers the Italian Bishops’ conference consulted exorcism experts (because European pundits are better than ours), and they all agree: Pope Francis cast the devil out of that man.
We hate to diminish Frank’s work while he’s contending with a squatter in the guest room, but one exorcism on camera? Please. If that’s an exorcism, then the Beatles are saints.
The police officer ended up over 30 feet from the ground after falling for the cat’s cunning ruse. The fire department received a call at 2:40 about his situation, but fortunately used one of their ladder trucks to bring both officer and conspiring animal down.
Had they climbed up after the cat as well, then it would have been up to the National Guard to shoot the tree down. And if they climbed up after the FDNY, NYPD and the cat, then Mayor Bloomberg would be forced to call the White House for federal involvement. And who knows how much big government could have ended up in a tree in Queens?
Yes, if it weren’t for a ladder, a single cat could have brought — ahem — up our entire national defense network, enabling a mass takeover by the animals. Fortunately, the FDNY uses tools: the hallmark of human ingenuity and mastery over our animal foes.
Already reeling from being soccer, the sport of soccer received a black eye when a referee for the Russian Football Union assaulted a player on the field mid-game.
The dispute started when the Chechen ref, Musa Kadyrov, blew his whistle to issue a penalty (or whatever it is they call it when somebody doesn’t mince about the field correctly). One of the players, Russian Ilya Krichmar, disputed the call before heading to the bench.
At this point, the stories diverge. According to the Krichmar, words were exchanged, and he disputed the call and Kadyrov’s performance as an officiator that day … but he swears he didn’t say anything about Kadyrov or his mother because, you know, Chechens be touchy.
‘We weren’t happy with the officiating, words had been exchanged but I had never said anything personal about him or his mother,’ he said. ‘I know how sensitive Chechen people are.’
Kadyrov, however, claims that Krichmar did insult him, which is why he attacked the player from behind, putting Krichmar into a chokehold and then punching the stroganoff out of him. (And, according to the photo we found of the attack, trying to split him like a wishbone with the other team.)
We hope this trend continues until eventually all animals glow under black lights. It’ll make it easier to identify our enemies in the War on Animals, especially because they’re nearly immune to questioning. (Just try getting answers out of a stoat. They’re notoriously tight-lipped.)
Dallas-Fort Worth’s Fox 4 News and Caption Solutions, their provider of closed captioning, have walked back their claim that Zooey Deschanel was responsible for the Boston Marathon bombing.
During their coverage of the manhunt for Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the closed captions reported that police were searching Watertown, Mass. for 19-year-old Zooey Deschanel. But, it turns out it was all an error and that they really meant the younger Tsarnaev brother, and not that there’s a quirky third suspect still on the loose, free to order tomato soup from restaurants that allegedly do that.
Or is that just what they want us to think? We’re through the looking glass here, people.