The issue of immigration is a complicated one, fraught with legitimate concerns on both sides. Only one side, however, believes in building walls and using the military to keep barbarian hordes out, though. And, when it comes to the ongoing North African refugee crisis in Europe — Britain, Germany is looking your way.
It’s important to remember that, as we fight what seems to be a losing War on Animals every spring through fall, that natural selection has given us only the most fit of foes. So, it’s a tough war, but would our sacrifices mean anything if it was easy? Like, if the Caribbean salamander were still alive?
‘There are very few salamander fossils of any type, and no one has ever found a salamander preserved in amber,’ study author George Poinar, Jr., a professor emeritus in the Oregon State’s College of Science, said in a press release.
In other words: they were even dumb by salamander standards.
So, feel good about that bug you squashed today. Even if you outsize it by, like, 5 to 1? (we’re warriors, not model designers), you still crushed the very best nature could throw at you. And that’s why we choose to fight the animals: not because it is easy, but because it is hahd hard.
Law enforcement in Hanahan, South Carolina have finally begun cracking down on the latest vermin to infest our malls, parks and other public spaces: creepy chicks dressed as Elsa the Snow Queen from Disney’s Frozen.
Granted, the Hanahan Police Chief did it as a stunt to make people in South Carolina feel better about cold temperatures (and living in South Carolina), but we hope this is only the beginning of a larger national trend.
Ladies, this is all about gender equality. If it’s creepy for a guy to dress up as popular characters so that other people’s kids will hug him, then it’s also weird when women do it, too.
The two Portland Police officers, Michael Filbert and Royce Curtiss, responded to an auto collision involving a Pizza Hut delivery driver. Once their accident investigation was over, the two officers did both driver and family waiting for their dinner a solid by delivering the pizza.
The Portland Police Bureau refused to specify whether the pizza came with bacon.
Do you know how scared animals are of The Guys? They’re so scared that, when we take a week off, they feel safe enough to kick back in human sex swings. (That’s what hammocks are for in America’s swingingest, most penis-shaped state, right?)
That black bear is just lucky that he wasn’t wearing a hoodie while being in some Floridian’s backyard.
If you fear growing old due to dementia, then Bloomberg reported good news: people in their 90s are mentally sharper than those born a decade earlier!
But, Bloomberg also accidentally reported bad news in their lead graphic:
Or, in fewer than 1,000 words: You will be an able-minded prisoner in your own withered body.
According to their report, both last decade’s and this decade’s nonagenarians were on par for physical strength — pretty much none. However, advances in technology like scooters, ramps, and chair lifts have improved mobility for this decade’s 90-year-olds.
So, it looks like Star Trek accurately predicted our future yet again:
Or, at best, Aliens did:
Either way, The Guys don’t plan to call off our 50th birthday suicide pact just yet. Unless that Italian guy really does perfect head transplants.
On the other, we’ve also embraced animals as symbols for ourselves. We’ve named our worst sports teams after them. Who hasn’t been accused of being a grumpy bear or randy lion? Even our country’s emblem features a bald eagle.
We’ve lived with this wartime ambivalence for 237 years. But, now, those very same bald eagles we put on our money and kill with pesticides have forced our hand, making Seattle move their official 4th of July fireworks display because it might scare some baby eagles.
Gee, where did these eaglets learned to be afraid of us? Maybe they learned it at the anti-human summer terrorist camps that their parents send them to.
What anti-human summer terrorist camps, you ask, citizens of Seattle? The ones just waiting to be uncovered if you go ahead with your fireworks as originally scheduled. You’ll probably find other animals there — ones we routinely explode every Fourth — thinking that hanging out with eagles would protect them. Light ’em all up for freedom and mankind.
There may be two popes in the Vatican these days (OK, technically one’s Pope Emeritus), but only one of them just performed an exorcism in broad daylight. The real surprise is that it wasn’t the showy one.
After a recent mass, Pope Francis laid his hands on a man in a wheelchair and prayed over him. The man then convulsed in his wheelchair and slumped over. A television station that covers the Italian Bishops’ conference consulted exorcism experts (because European pundits are better than ours), and they all agree: Pope Francis cast the devil out of that man.
We hate to diminish Frank’s work while he’s contending with a squatter in the guest room, but one exorcism on camera? Please. If that’s an exorcism, then the Beatles are saints.