Category: Picture of the Day

| Posted in Picture of the Day

Double porno! What does it even mean?!

"Oh, we don't work for tips, ma'am ... No, really. We're not allowed to accept cash for doing our jobs."
“Oh, we don’t work for tips, ma’am …. No, really. We’re not allowed to accept cash for doing our job.”

Do not close this browser! What you are seeing is safe for work and merely two police officers delivering a pizza, not the most elaborately nested pornographic setup in history.

The two Portland Police officers, Michael Filbert and Royce Curtiss, responded to an auto collision involving a Pizza Hut delivery driver. Once their accident investigation was over, the two officers did both driver and family waiting for their dinner a solid by delivering the pizza.

The Portland Police Bureau refused to specify whether the pizza came with bacon.

| Posted in Picture of the Day, War on Animals

Does a bear respite in the woods?

Do you know how scared animals are of The Guys? They’re so scared that, when we take a week off, they feel safe enough to kick back in human sex swings. (That’s what hammocks are for in America’s swingingest, most penis-shaped state, right?)

Great, now there's Charmin and bear s*t flakes all over their Gilligan bed. (Source: New York Daily News)
Great, now there’s Charmin and bear s*t flakes all over their Gilligan bed.
(Source: NY Daily News)

That black bear is just lucky that he wasn’t wearing a hoodie while being in some Floridian’s backyard.

| Posted in Facepalm, It Must Be Science!, Picture of the Day

How to undo your entire story with a single graphic

If you fear growing old due to dementia, then Bloomberg reported good news: people in their 90s are mentally sharper than those born a decade earlier!

But, Bloomberg also accidentally reported bad news in their lead graphic:

"Ayako Wakasu, 94, smiles as her glasses are adjusted by a staff member at a day care facility on Gogo Island in Matsuyama, Ehime Prefecture, Japan, on March 22, 2013."
“Ayako Wakasu, 94, smiles as her glasses are adjusted by a staff member at a day care facility on Gogo Island in Matsuyama, Ehime Prefecture, Japan, on March 22, 2013.” [Emphasis ours.]
Or, in fewer than 1,000 words: You will be an able-minded prisoner in your own withered body.

According to their report, both last decade’s and this decade’s nonagenarians were on par for physical strength — pretty much none. However, advances in technology like scooters, ramps, and chair lifts have improved mobility for this decade’s 90-year-olds.

So, it looks like Star Trek accurately predicted our future yet again:

"My nose itches and the Indiana Jones theme song is stuck in my head."
(thinking) “My nose itches and the Indiana Jones theme song is stuck in my head.”

Or, at best, Aliens did:

"Give Grandma a hug, you bitch!"
“Come give Grandma a hug, you bitch!”

Either way, The Guys don’t plan to call off our 50th birthday suicide pact just yet. Unless that Italian guy really does perfect head transplants.

| Posted in Picture of the Day, War on Animals

Bald eagles endanger America

America’s history in the War on Animals is a complicated one.

On the one hand, this country was forged by men and women who killed animals, skinned them, ate their insides and wore their butts on their heads as hats.

On the other, we’ve also embraced animals as symbols for ourselves. We’ve named our worst sports teams after them. Who hasn’t been accused of being a grumpy bear or randy lion? Even our country’s emblem features a bald eagle.

How American are bald eagles if they hide behind their children like terrorists?
How American are bald eagles if they hide behind their children like  common terrorists?

We’ve lived with this wartime ambivalence for 237 years. But, now, those very same bald eagles we put on our money and kill with pesticides have forced our hand, making Seattle move their official 4th of July fireworks display because it might scare some baby eagles.

Gee, where did these eaglets learned to be afraid of us? Maybe they learned it at the anti-human summer terrorist camps that their parents send them to.

What anti-human summer terrorist camps, you ask, citizens of Seattle? The ones just waiting to be uncovered if you go ahead with your fireworks as originally scheduled. You’ll probably find other animals there — ones we routinely explode every Fourth — thinking that hanging out with eagles would protect them. Light ‘em all up for freedom and mankind.

| Posted in Picture of the Day, Popewatch!

Exorcising the rites of office

"Your Holiness! Where did you go!? I can't see y ... Oh, there you are."
Your Holiness! Where did you go!? I can’t see y … Oh, there you are.”

There may be two popes in the Vatican these days (OK, technically one’s Pope Emeritus), but only one of them just performed an exorcism in broad daylight. The real surprise is that it wasn’t the showy one.

After a recent mass, Pope Francis laid his hands on a man in a wheelchair and prayed over him. The man then convulsed in his wheelchair and slumped over. A television station that covers the Italian Bishops’ conference consulted exorcism experts (because European pundits are better than ours), and they all agree: Pope Francis cast the devil out of that man.

We hate to diminish Frank’s work while he’s contending with a squatter in the guest room, but one exorcism on camera? Please. If that’s an exorcism, then the Beatles are saints.

| Posted in Picture of the Day

The bronze god of justice is here

10 feet tall. Both foam and bronze. A future beacon of both robo-osity and justice.

People, we present to you the early stages of the Robocop statue that was created through funding via a Kickstarter campaign and will be displayed in Detroit. What we cannot present to you is exactly where it will be standing. Nor can we present to you the super secret way to override Objective 4.

| Posted in Picture of the Day, War on Animals

Cat attempts to tree entire NYC infrastructure

When stuck in a tree with a cat, you have a lot of time to reflect on and evaluate recent decisions.
When stuck in a tree with a cat, you have a lot of time to reflect on and evaluate recent decisions.

FDNY firefighters successfully rescued an NYPD officer and the cat who lured him up a tree to his demise.

The police officer ended up over 30 feet from the ground after falling for the cat’s cunning ruse. The fire department received a call at 2:40 about his situation, but fortunately used one of their ladder trucks to bring both officer and conspiring animal down.

Had they climbed up after the cat as well, then it would have been up to the National Guard to shoot the tree down. And if they climbed up after the FDNY, NYPD and the cat, then Mayor Bloomberg would be forced to call the White House for federal involvement. And who knows how much big government could have ended up in a tree in Queens?

Yes, if it weren’t for a ladder, a single cat could have brought — ahem — up our entire national defense network, enabling a mass takeover by the animals. Fortunately, the FDNY uses tools: the hallmark of human ingenuity and mastery over our animal foes.

| Posted in Picture of the Day

In former Soviet republic, referee assaults you!

And, in that instant, Vince McMahon realized how close the XFL was to succeeding. If only he had chosen the right football ... if only.
And, in that instant, Vince McMahon realized how close the XFL had been to succeeding. If only he had chosen the right football … if only.

Already reeling from being soccer, the sport of soccer received a black eye when a referee for the Russian Football Union assaulted a player on the field mid-game.

The dispute started when the Chechen ref, Musa Kadyrov, blew his whistle to issue a penalty (or whatever it is they call it when somebody doesn’t mince about the field correctly). One of the players, Russian Ilya Krichmar, disputed the call before heading to the bench.

At this point, the stories diverge. According to the Krichmar, words were exchanged, and he disputed the call and Kadyrov’s performance as an officiator that day … but he swears he didn’t say anything about Kadyrov or his mother because, you know, Chechens be touchy.

‘We weren’t happy with the officiating, words had been exchanged but I had never said anything personal about him or his mother,’ he said. ‘I know how sensitive Chechen people are.’

Kadyrov, however, claims that Krichmar did insult him, which is why he attacked the player from behind, putting Krichmar into a chokehold and then punching the stroganoff out of him. (And, according to the photo we found of the attack, trying to split him like a wishbone with the other team.)

Russian FA has since fired Kadyrov and banned him from the league for life, leaving his future open for a career in the WWE or Vince McMahon’s soccer-based replacement for the XFL.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, Picture of the Day, Sex Sells, War on Animals

Sheep with built-in mood lighting

This sheep exists as a warning to never drink the highlighter water out of old liquor bottles.
This sheep exists as a warning to never drink the highlighter water out of old liquor bottles.

Shepherds who tend flocks of sheep at night (sure, “night flocking”) will have an easier time finding their girlfriends, and it’s all thanks to science and its ongoing mission to make everything glow.

Researchers at the Animal Reproduction Institute of Uruguay inserted genes from the Aequorea victoria jellyfish into specially bred sheep. When exposed to UV light, the sheep glow a bright yellowish-green color.

We hope this trend continues until eventually all animals glow under black lights. It’ll make it easier to identify our enemies in the War on Animals, especially because they’re nearly immune to questioning. (Just try getting answers out of a stoat. They’re notoriously tight-lipped.)