As a somewhat liberal-leaning web site, it’s probably time for SeriouslyGuys to come clean: we’re absolutely at war with Christmas. We tried to keep it under wraps, CIA-style, but, that’s now impossible because of our new amazingly strong president and his very productive tweets. So, yes, Virginia, the War on Christmas is real, and The Guys aren’t going to give up the fight until every American on Earth says “Happy Holidays” and eats a Kwanzaa cake or whatever.
That said, The Guys are sending our thoughts and prayers to Christmas prisoner of war who, like POWs in Vietnam, alerted us to their status through clandestine sign language. In one captive’s forced photo with Santa Claus from 12 years ago, a toddler signed the word for “help,” letting us know both that he is alive and also that baby sign language totally works, you guys.
We taught our baby sign language. This is the sign for “help.” You’re welcome. pic.twitter.com/i6NkxBf4KP
— Kerry Spencer (@Swilua) December 5, 2017
Mr. Spencer, even though it’s been more than a decade, stay strong. Santa may claim he has leverage through surveillance on you and try to convince you that you are naughty, but that’s just how he wins hearts and minds over here. We have it on good authority that you have been and shall remain on the nice list … provided you don’t give away any of our War on Christmas secrets.