The police officer ended up over 30 feet from the ground after falling for the cat’s cunning ruse. The fire department received a call at 2:40 about his situation, but fortunately used one of their ladder trucks to bring both officer and conspiring animal down.
Had they climbed up after the cat as well, then it would have been up to the National Guard to shoot the tree down. And if they climbed up after the FDNY, NYPD and the cat, then Mayor Bloomberg would be forced to call the White House for federal involvement. And who knows how much big government could have ended up in a tree in Queens?
Yes, if it weren’t for a ladder, a single cat could have brought — ahem — up our entire national defense network, enabling a mass takeover by the animals. Fortunately, the FDNY uses tools: the hallmark of human ingenuity and mastery over our animal foes.
Already reeling from being soccer, the sport of soccer received a black eye when a referee for the Russian Football Union assaulted a player on the field mid-game.
The dispute started when the Chechen ref, Musa Kadyrov, blew his whistle to issue a penalty (or whatever it is they call it when somebody doesn’t mince about the field correctly). One of the players, Russian Ilya Krichmar, disputed the call before heading to the bench.
At this point, the stories diverge. According to the Krichmar, words were exchanged, and he disputed the call and Kadyrov’s performance as an officiator that day … but he swears he didn’t say anything about Kadyrov or his mother because, you know, Chechens be touchy.
‘We weren’t happy with the officiating, words had been exchanged but I had never said anything personal about him or his mother,’ he said. ‘I know how sensitive Chechen people are.’
Kadyrov, however, claims that Krichmar did insult him, which is why he attacked the player from behind, putting Krichmar into a chokehold and then punching the stroganoff out of him. (And, according to the photo we found of the attack, trying to split him like a wishbone with the other team.)
We hope this trend continues until eventually all animals glow under black lights. It’ll make it easier to identify our enemies in the War on Animals, especially because they’re nearly immune to questioning. (Just try getting answers out of a stoat. They’re notoriously tight-lipped.)
Dallas-Fort Worth’s Fox 4 News and Caption Solutions, their provider of closed captioning, have walked back their claim that Zooey Deschanel was responsible for the Boston Marathon bombing.
During their coverage of the manhunt for Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the closed captions reported that police were searching Watertown, Mass. for 19-year-old Zooey Deschanel. But, it turns out it was all an error and that they really meant the younger Tsarnaev brother, and not that there’s a quirky third suspect still on the loose, free to order tomato soup from restaurants that allegedly do that.
Or is that just what they want us to think? We’re through the looking glass here, people.
You may remember NASA’s twin Spirit and Opportunity rovers that were sent to Mars a few years ago. They are still up there, and scientists are still learning things from all of the data they have sent back. But it was discovered recently that our very own space agency accidentally drew a penis in rover tracks on the red planet. We need more rovers!
Most people who visit the house in which Anne Frank hid from the Nazis and wrote the world’s most stolen diary (Seriously, people. It had a lock and everything.) are emotionally moved to connect an actual location to a book that resonated with them and the world’s most horrendous atrocity.
Justin Bieber, however, is not most people. He wrote in the guest book:
Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.
Critics have been quick to jump on the Biebs, but not this blog. We agree wholeheartedly with Justin that the worst part about the Holocaust is that it deprived the world of an 84-year-old “belieber.”
Everyone always talk about Wednesdays in relieved tones. Hump Day, they call it. Did Monday through Tuesday suck? Don’t worry! You only have the rest of Wednesday and all of Thursday and Friday to slog through (assuming your weekend plans don’t blow)! Don’t you feel better?
We here at SeriouslyGuys recognize that Wednesday being in the middle of what could very well be a personally sh**ty week — the molten cheesy taco meat core of a spicy burrito dump — does not relieve what has transpired and has yet to transpire.
The Shih Tzu and his 44 tick accomplices evaded authorities for two months, stealing cat food and loitering on porches. The fugitive dog also dug through household trash, and authorities still don’t know how many identities he stole to throw them off his scent.
It eventually took a posse of 14 animal control officers and deputized townspeople to surround Biscuit, which culminated in the climactic Pole-netting at the Beulah Street Leaf Pile.
Since capture, Biscuit has been shaved and processed into the custody of the Deepwood Veterinary Clinic in Centreville, after which he will be released into a halfway home to determine if he can be rehabilitated.
In Argentina, if you’re looking to buy a toy poodle, but don’t want to spend a lot, then maybe you’re going to have to make some sacrifices, like getting one that has a nasty addiction to steroids, or isn’t actually a poodle, or is actually a ferret that’s been pumped full of steroids to resemble a dog. Some vendors are reportedly selling “Brazilian rats,” which are ferrets pumped with steroids to grow larger, and apparent have some fancy grooming, to look like poodles–if you squint.
It might be best to just stop buying pets altogether. They are a drain on your resources and probably spying on you.