Category: Picture of the Day

| Filed under Facepalm, Picture of the Day

When Germany thinks you’re a little racist, damn

Even German right-wing tabloid BILD took a time-out from antisemitism to call David Cameron a slacker on helping non-white people.
Even German right-wing tabloid BILD took a time-out from antisemitism to call British Prime Minister David Cameron a “slacker” for not helping non-white people.

The issue of immigration is a complicated one, fraught with legitimate concerns on both sides. Only one side, however, believes in building walls and using the military to keep barbarian hordes out, though. And, when it comes to the ongoing North African refugee crisis in Europe — Britain, Germany is looking your way.

No matter what your perspective is on letting poor brown people who no longer have a home into your country, you know you’re kind of an assh*le when even German racists call you out for not doing enough for African and Arabic people.

| Filed under Facepalm, Picture of the Day, War on Animals

World’s dumbest salamander found in amber

Even though it was, by all accounts, a dummy, that won't stop us from using it as whatever a paperweight is.
We can’t wait to clone it, Jurassic Park-style, and play hours and hours of “Pete and Re-pete.”

It’s important to remember that, as we fight what seems to be a losing War on Animals every spring through fall, that natural selection has given us only the most fit of foes. So, it’s a tough war, but would our sacrifices mean anything if it was easy? Like, if the Caribbean salamander were still alive?

Scientists had long suspected that the Caribbean had salamanders, and now we know why they died off. They finally found one preserved in amber.

‘There are very few salamander fossils of any type, and no one has ever found a salamander preserved in amber,’ study author George Poinar, Jr., a professor emeritus in the Oregon State’s College of Science, said in a press release.

In other words: they were even dumb by salamander standards.

So, feel good about that bug you squashed today. Even if you outsize it by, like, 5 to 1? (we’re warriors, not model designers), you still crushed the very best nature could throw at you. And that’s why we choose to fight the animals: not because it is easy, but because it is hahd hard.

| Filed under Picture of the Day

Police finally cracking down on Elsa impersonators

The Hanahan Police Department managed to promote Frozen, a local business that hires out princesses for children's parties and breast cancer awareness in one mildly inappropriate photo.
Hey, officer! If it’s soooo cold, maybe you should put some sleeves on rather than take weird bondage fantasy photos with former debutantes in pink handcuffs.

Law enforcement in Hanahan, South Carolina have finally begun cracking down on the latest vermin to infest our malls, parks and other public spaces: creepy chicks dressed as Elsa the Snow Queen from Disney’s Frozen.

Granted, the Hanahan Police Chief did it as a stunt to make people in South Carolina feel better about cold temperatures (and living in South Carolina), but we hope this is only the beginning of a larger national trend.

Ladies, this is all about gender equality. If it’s creepy for a guy to dress up as popular characters so that other people’s kids will hug him, then it’s also weird when women do it, too.

| Filed under Picture of the Day

Double porno! What does it even mean?!

"Oh, we don't work for tips, ma'am ... No, really. We're not allowed to accept cash for doing our jobs."
“Oh, we don’t work for tips, ma’am …. No, really. We’re not allowed to accept cash for doing our job.”

Do not close this browser! What you are seeing is safe for work and merely two police officers delivering a pizza, not the most elaborately nested pornographic setup in history.

The two Portland Police officers, Michael Filbert and Royce Curtiss, responded to an auto collision involving a Pizza Hut delivery driver. Once their accident investigation was over, the two officers did both driver and family waiting for their dinner a solid by delivering the pizza.

The Portland Police Bureau refused to specify whether the pizza came with bacon.

| Filed under Picture of the Day, War on Animals

Does a bear respite in the woods?

Do you know how scared animals are of The Guys? They’re so scared that, when we take a week off, they feel safe enough to kick back in human sex swings. (That’s what hammocks are for in America’s swingingest, most penis-shaped state, right?)

Great, now there's Charmin and bear s*t flakes all over their Gilligan bed. (Source: New York Daily News)
Great, now there’s Charmin and bear s*t flakes all over their Gilligan bed.
(Source: NY Daily News)

That black bear is just lucky that he wasn’t wearing a hoodie while being in some Floridian’s backyard.

| Filed under Facepalm, It Must Be Science!, Picture of the Day

How to undo your entire story with a single graphic

If you fear growing old due to dementia, then Bloomberg reported good news: people in their 90s are mentally sharper than those born a decade earlier!

But, Bloomberg also accidentally reported bad news in their lead graphic:

"Ayako Wakasu, 94, smiles as her glasses are adjusted by a staff member at a day care facility on Gogo Island in Matsuyama, Ehime Prefecture, Japan, on March 22, 2013."
“Ayako Wakasu, 94, smiles as her glasses are adjusted by a staff member at a day care facility on Gogo Island in Matsuyama, Ehime Prefecture, Japan, on March 22, 2013.” [Emphasis ours.]
Or, in fewer than 1,000 words: You will be an able-minded prisoner in your own withered body.

According to their report, both last decade’s and this decade’s nonagenarians were on par for physical strength — pretty much none. However, advances in technology like scooters, ramps, and chair lifts have improved mobility for this decade’s 90-year-olds.

So, it looks like Star Trek accurately predicted our future yet again:

"My nose itches and the Indiana Jones theme song is stuck in my head."
(thinking) “My nose itches and the Indiana Jones theme song is stuck in my head.”

Or, at best, Aliens did:

"Give Grandma a hug, you bitch!"
“Come give Grandma a hug, you bitch!”

Either way, The Guys don’t plan to call off our 50th birthday suicide pact just yet. Unless that Italian guy really does perfect head transplants.

| Filed under Picture of the Day, War on Animals

Bald eagles endanger America

America’s history in the War on Animals is a complicated one.

On the one hand, this country was forged by men and women who killed animals, skinned them, ate their insides and wore their butts on their heads as hats.

On the other, we’ve also embraced animals as symbols for ourselves. We’ve named our worst sports teams after them. Who hasn’t been accused of being a grumpy bear or randy lion? Even our country’s emblem features a bald eagle.

How American are bald eagles if they hide behind their children like terrorists?
How American are bald eagles if they hide behind their children like  common terrorists?

We’ve lived with this wartime ambivalence for 237 years. But, now, those very same bald eagles we put on our money and kill with pesticides have forced our hand, making Seattle move their official 4th of July fireworks display because it might scare some baby eagles.

Gee, where did these eaglets learned to be afraid of us? Maybe they learned it at the anti-human summer terrorist camps that their parents send them to.

What anti-human summer terrorist camps, you ask, citizens of Seattle? The ones just waiting to be uncovered if you go ahead with your fireworks as originally scheduled. You’ll probably find other animals there — ones we routinely explode every Fourth — thinking that hanging out with eagles would protect them. Light ’em all up for freedom and mankind.

| Filed under Picture of the Day, Popewatch!

Exorcising the rites of office

"Your Holiness! Where did you go!? I can't see y ... Oh, there you are."
Your Holiness! Where did you go!? I can’t see y … Oh, there you are.”

There may be two popes in the Vatican these days (OK, technically one’s Pope Emeritus), but only one of them just performed an exorcism in broad daylight. The real surprise is that it wasn’t the showy one.

After a recent mass, Pope Francis laid his hands on a man in a wheelchair and prayed over him. The man then convulsed in his wheelchair and slumped over. A television station that covers the Italian Bishops’ conference consulted exorcism experts (because European pundits are better than ours), and they all agree: Pope Francis cast the devil out of that man.

We hate to diminish Frank’s work while he’s contending with a squatter in the guest room, but one exorcism on camera? Please. If that’s an exorcism, then the Beatles are saints.

| Filed under Picture of the Day

The bronze god of justice is here

10 feet tall. Both foam and bronze. A future beacon of both robo-osity and justice.

People, we present to you the early stages of the Robocop statue that was created through funding via a Kickstarter campaign and will be displayed in Detroit. What we cannot present to you is exactly where it will be standing. Nor can we present to you the super secret way to override Objective 4.