Life’s hard, here’s a T-Rex dog paddling

Everyone always talk about Wednesdays in relieved tones. Hump Day, they call it. Did Monday through Tuesday suck? Don’t worry! You only have the rest of Wednesday and all of Thursday and Friday to slog through (assuming your weekend plans don’t blow)! Don’t you feel better?

We here at SeriouslyGuys recognize that Wednesday being in the middle of what could very well be a personally sh**ty week — the molten cheesy taco meat core of a spicy burrito dump — does not relieve what has transpired and has yet to transpire.

The Guys also believe in real solutions. So, without any further ado: life’s hard, here’s a picture of a Tyrannosaur doing the doggie paddle.

If this doesn't work, imagine him trying to do the breast stroke.
If this doesn’t work, imagine him trying to do the breast stroke.

That’s the way the Biscuit crumbles

We've seen this sort of thing too many times. Thank goodness law enforcement was there to capture Biscuit at rock-bottom.
We’ve seen this sort of thing too many times. Thank goodness law enforcement was there to capture Biscuit at rock-bottom.

After two years of being shut in their homes, the residents of Franconia, Virginia can rest easy. Biscuit’s reign of terror is over.

The Shih Tzu and his 44 tick accomplices evaded authorities for two months, stealing cat food and loitering on porches. The fugitive dog also dug through household trash, and authorities still don’t know how many identities he stole to throw them off his scent.

It eventually took a posse of 14 animal control officers and deputized townspeople to surround Biscuit, which culminated in the climactic Pole-netting at the Beulah Street Leaf Pile.

Since capture, Biscuit has been shaved and processed into the custody of the Deepwood Veterinary Clinic in Centreville, after which he will be released into a halfway home to determine if he can be rehabilitated.

Drug-addicted dogs

Not a dog.
Not a dog.

We told you yesterday about the dangers of putting your pets on drugs, but how do you know that your pet wasn’t on drugs before you even met?

In Argentina, if you’re looking to buy a toy poodle, but don’t want to spend a lot, then maybe you’re going to have to make some sacrifices, like getting one that has a nasty addiction to steroids, or isn’t actually a poodle, or is actually a ferret that’s been pumped full of steroids to resemble a dog. Some vendors are reportedly selling “Brazilian rats,” which are ferrets pumped with steroids to grow larger, and apparent have some fancy grooming, to look like poodles–if you squint.

It might be best to just stop buying pets altogether. They are a drain on your resources and probably spying on you.

Best Korea clearly run by teenaged girl

Anonymous has a flimsy grasp of metaphors. We get the pig man part, but what do rakes and Mickey Mouse have to do with starving your populace to build nukes?
Anonymous is great with Photoshop filters, but has a flimsy grasp of metaphors. We get the pig man part, but what do rakes and Mickey Mouse have to do with starving your populace to build nukes?

Hackers who claim to be from the organization Anonymous hacked North Korea’s official Flickr and Twitter accounts to post pictures of …

Wait. North Korea (a.k.a. Best Korea to its leadership and former basketball-playing friends) has an official Flickr and Twitter account?

North Korea opened its Twitter account in 2010. It has more than 13,000 followers. The North uses the social media to praise its system and leaders and also to repeat commentaries sent out by North’s official Korean Central News Agency.

And they have more followers than us? Do they #teamfollowback and retweet? Because The Guys could use that kind of publicity …

No! We mustn’t trade our love of freedom for web page hits. SeriouslyGuys.com proudly endorses democracy and liberty. (Please share that last sentence with your friends.)

Bad form, India

British Prime Minister David Cameron stressed that he needs the stone to bring back Lord Voldemort, who is currently residing on the back of his head.
British Prime Minister David Cameron stressed that he needs the stone to bring back Lord Voldemort, who is currently residing on the back of his head.

While wrapping up his visit to India, British Prime Minister David Cameron addressed India’s request for the return of one of the world’s largest diamonds, the 105-carat Koh-i-Noor. Mr. Cameron stressed that now was not the time to dwell on the past, but to focus on India and the U.K.’s economic future together.

Besides, the diamond is busy holding together a crown for the no-longer-necessary British monarch and attracting tourists to a musty historic site. Live in the now, India!

Dead bears do Knut wear plaid

Even though he's dead, Knut can still unwrap human bratwursts with his lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eyes.
Even though he’s dead, Knut can still unwrap human bratwursts with his lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes.

Knut, the German polar bear, is back from the dead! His taxidermied corpse is now blocking the entrance to the Berlin natural history museum, menacing all who dare learn about trilobites, ancient arrowheads or whatever Germans dig up in their backyards. (Traces of the camps where they eliminated all of the ancient Neanderthals?)

We warned you, Germany. When Knut’s mother abandoned him, we told you he was no good. When he turned on children, we told you it was too late to put the monster back in its cage. When he became a prima donna and wouldn’t perform his two shows daily, we told you that it was time to put him on an ice flow. And now that he’s dead, we told you to leave him be.

Sometimes dead is better.

It’s not a filibuster

Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., coaches his copilot through a fleet of Democrat senators as he tries to remember the code for blocking a cabinet nominee without letting on that it's a filibuster.
Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., coaches his copilot through a fleet of Democrat senators as he tries to remember the code for blocking a cabinet nominee without letting on that it’s a filibuster.

The Republican members of the U.S. Senate might have an addiction. The first sign of any addiction is to hide it in plain sight, which is precisely what the GOP is attempting with their latest filibuster, this time against Secretary of Defense nominee, Chuck Hagel.

Knowing that their Congressional members already took a hit as the “Party of No” this past election, but unable to give up the sweet, sweet ride of holding their breath until the president goes away, they blocked the vote to confirm Hagel’s nomination. But, they’re adamant that it’s not a filibuster.

No, they’re claiming the vote was too soon, as Sen. Lamar Alexander, R-Tenn., put it. Or that they want to force the nomination to be approved by 60 votes, as Sen. Jim Inhofe, R-Okla., stated outright. But, no, even though they’re blocking a vote they’ve spent weeks talking about (and trying to link to Benghazi), and even though they want to invoke cloture … it’s not a filibuster.

You know, guys, that the first step to overcoming addiction is admitting that you have a problem, right? And if blocking a cabinet appointment isn’t rock bottom, then the Guys don’t have a drinking problem when we start chugging the vermouth.

Biggest thing in universe, astronomers’ pants found

The discovery of the second largest observable object in the universe changes everything we know about the first: our penises.
The discovery of the second largest observable object in the universe, the Large Quasar Group (LQG), changes everything we know about the first largest: our gigantic dong stars.

Using data from the Sloan Digital Sky Survey, a team of international astronomers has discovered a cluster of quasars so large that it defies what science had believed was the largest object your mom could observe without it appearing uniform with the rest of the universe.

The Large Quasar Group (LQG) of 73 quasars — or young active galaxies — stretches across 4 billion light years. Or, as study leader Roger Clowes, an astronomer at University of Central Lancashire in England, said to put it in perspective: “About the size of my penis … if I folded it in half.”

The plan for now is to map the LQG more thoroughly with the telescopes that Gerard Williger, an astronomer at the University of Louisville in Kentucky, uses to see where he’s fornicating waaay over there.

“This structure is bigger than we expect based on the shockwaves formed in the universe after the big bang,” said Williger, adding, “That’s what she said.”

One-way flight to Snaketown, population: you

THERE'S MOTHERF#%KIN' SOMETHING ON THE MOTHERF&@KIN' WING!
THERE’S MOTHERF#%KIN’ SOMETHING ON THE MOTHERF&@KIN’ WING!

Samuel L. Jackson warned us, but we didn’t believe him. And now, we’ve finally had it: a motherf#%kin’ snake on a motherf&@kin’ plane.

The snake, a 9-foot-long Amethystine python, attempted to crush the life out of an airplane mid-flight from Australia to Papua New Guinea. Passengers caught the python mid-constriction on the wing about an hour into their flight. It may have attempted to cut off fuel to the engine, but died by the time the plane landed.

And the worst part? The snake attacked a Quantas flight. Had it been successful, it could have shattered humanity’s — and Rain Man’s — faith in our safest airline.

Cats: the Bane of Rio

This plot to get revenge for Ra's al Ghul was foiled by Brazil's lack of foil-colored cats or white duct duct tape.
This plot to get revenge for Ra’s al Ghul was foiled by Brazil’s lack of metallic-colored cats or white duct duct tape.

A cat (Felis diabolo) was caught trying to sneak escape tools into a Brazilian prison, Arapiraca. It had concealed a saw, a mobile phone, drills, an earphone, a memory card, batteries and a phone charger on its non-person with duct tape.

Authorities suspect all 263 inmates at the prison, but can’t get the cat to name names.

‘It’s tough to find out who’s responsible for the action as the cat doesn’t speak,’ a prison spokesperson told local paper Estado de S.Paulo.

If this is a plot by cats to break prisoners out and unleash havoc in Brazil, then one of their ringleaders got this cat’s tongue. It’s probably just as well because you know its voice would have sounded ridiculous, maybe like Celebrity Jeopardy Sean Connery wearing a Darth Vader mask.