Category: Picture of the Day

Bonobos discover two-thirds of human ‘date night’

"Hey, baby. How's about dinner at my place followed by bananas foster?"
“Hey, baby. How’s about dinner at my place followed by bananas foster?”

We already that bonobos, one of our closest ape relatives, do it people-style (i.e., face-to-face just long enough until it’s OK to switch to doggy-style). But, their theft of human mating rituals has just gone too far. According to a new study, bonobos offer food to strangers to make friends and do so more often than with already established friends and family.

People, do you know what this means? Apes are asking each other “out to dinner” with an implied furry dessert. They’re only a movie away from co-opting human date night.

‘Pay no attention to that spider on top of the web!’

Don't even think about it, Blue Fairy. There are too many real spiders as it is.
Don’t even think about it, Blue Fairy. We know all about your hard-on for bugs, and there are too many real spiders as it is.

Phil Torres, a biologist and science educator, was leading one of his tours of the Peruvian rainforest when he discovered a spider … being controlled by another spider. It turns out that this possibly new species of the spider genus Cyclosa has taken the creepy in creepy crawly to the next level: puppetry.

Cyclosa spiders are known for making decoys in their webs using leaves, egg sacs and dirt. This one, however, actually crafts a full spider body — legs and all — out of the materials and uses web threads to make them move. Torres discovered 25 of them along the trail alone, with varying degrees of realism. (One of the spiders is experiencing a Cubist period.)

What’s most notable about the decoys is their size and placement. The decoys are nearly twice the size of the actual puppetmaster spiders, and they’re positioned at about human face-height. It’s clear that these compensatory analogues are meant for us humans, as if spiders weren’t terrifying enough.

Smoking grass endangers humanity

Cheatgrass, seen here trying to light this human’s shoelaces on fire.

With all the wars that the Guys wage, we’re wary to start another one, especially one with plants. We don’t know if you’ve noticed, but they’re everywhere. Plus, what would we do without fig leaves on the eventual day that the Obama administration outlaws clothes?

But, grass — specifically, cheatgrass — has now been implicated as the culprit behind 39 of the 50 biggest Great Basin wildfires from 2000 – 2009. And if you think that cheatgrass is overall good with a tarnished reputation because of a few bad blades, think again. “The invasive [grass] covered 6% of the landscape, but 13% of the burned land, giving it an outsized role in the largest fires.” It is militant, it is invasive, and it doesn’t have the most trustworthy name.

Unfortunately, fighting fire with fire won’t work. Every time the grass burns, it clears even more land for its spawn, choking the life out of what could be a very effective parking solution for Reno and Salt Lake City. Maybe that’s the solution: we’ll pave cheatgrass, and put in a parking lot. (Do-ooo wop wop wop wop!)

San Francisco takes a hard look at nudists

He’s what you’d call a reading buff.

The days of constant public nudity in San Francisco may be coming to a close. City officials will vote on an ordinance that bans all public nudity in the city.

Well … not quite all of it. Parents can still raise diaper-less free range preschoolers (provided they pick up after them or chuck it in the neighbor’s yard). Also, the ban would not apply to pride parades, fetish fairs and costumed — or, in this case, costumeless — races.

The ban would really only affect the naturists who congregate daily at Jane Warner Plaza, at the corner of Castro and Market Streets. Shop owners in the traditionally gay Castro district have complained, saying the nudists have gone from the occasional free spirit to a daily flock of dick pigeons, causing people to avoid the district altogether.

If the ban passes, then you can still leave your heart in San Francisco. Just don’t forget your pants.

Arachna-road rage

Construction has been halted on a highway underpass that would have resolved traffic congestion in San Antonio, Tex. Why did workers stop digging? Because somebody saw a spider.

Animals have borrowed a page from the U.S. Civil War, tying up Southern transportation lines with the only weapon at their disposal: the heebie-jeebies. Good luck getting anyone to shovel dirt when any trowel-full could lead to an underground spider cave.

The spider, a Braken Bat Cave meshweaver, is an endangered species that hasn’t been seen since it was first discovered 30 years ago. It’s blind, so that means it finds its way around by touching everything with its disgusting, spindly legs and mouth parts.

What we need now is an anti-environmental judge with a really big shoe to get roadwork started again.

“Pick up ur phone LOL”

According to a new study, voice mail is over. If you’re still leaving messages, then you might as well climb back up the tree you came from, you ancient mammalian ancestor that we hold in common with apes. Nowadays, the trend is to call, and if there’s no answer, to then text since they were probably screening your call in the first place.

Breaking Update: Nobody “picks up” the phone to answer it anymore. The Guys officially concede being behind the times and have been sentenced to 10 years on hold with the technical assistance hotline.

Ladies need to keep up

Ladies, if you’ve ever wondered why men finish so much faster when it comes to mating, science finally has an answer: “Sex kills.”

That answer comes from Stefan Grief of the Max Planck Institute for Ornithology in Seewiesen, Germany, whose team studied bats that hone in on mating flies for buffet-style dining. At night, the flies hang out on the ceilings of barns, which makes them undetectable to bats. But, when the mood strikes, the flies become loud with passion, broadcasting their location.

This, along with other studies, prove that a number of species are at greater risk of predation during mating as the male is weakened and distracted while thinking of dead puppies so that you can finish, ladies. So, maybe the next time your man finishes too quickly, you should thank him. What if there was a bear nearby?

Shot through the head, and you’re to blame

Doctors and staff from the University of Miami/Jackson Memorial Hospital and the Army Trauma Training Center are declaring one lucky young man’s recovery from a spear to the head nothing short of “a miracle,” adding that — now that he’s OK — the injury itself really raises the bar on 1970s Steve Martin impersonations.

Let it never be said that medical professionals don’t understand the principal of “too soon.”

Laser beams don’t kill people. Sharks kill people.

The henchmen said it couldn’t be done, but they were wrong. Science has finally perfected the shark with a frickin’ laser beam.

Marine biologist and Shark Week regular, Luke Tipple, figured out where Evil Industries had repeatedly gone wrong. Instead of attaching the laser to the head, he hooked it up to the dorsal fin. Tipple says he did it to test his new non-evasive underwater clip, which makes sense if you’re looking to upgrade sharks with lasers to sharks with bazookas or hammerheads with actual hammers on their heads.

Tipple says that the laser is harmless. You know, like how a laser sight doesn’t kill on sniper rifles. Perfectly safe.

Zombies won’t see us coming … or will they?

It’s taken a few years to gain steam, but the zombie preparedness movement is finally in full swing.

One enterprising gun enthusiast has been selling specialty zombie targets and ammunition for practice. The paper targets can be equipped with squibs that will either run or squirt blood when shot. His biggest sellers? Your run of the mill teen girl, “Becky,” who was probably zombified mid-texting, and “Zombiladin,” who has already faced down Navy Seals, steel-jawed dogs, crabs and swimmer’s ear to retake Manhattan.

An the Philippines has embraced the zombie run, in which participants run a 5K fraught with zombies who crave flags. One zombie participant lures in runners by dancing to “Thriller,” training future survivalists to resist to draw of zombie flash mobs.

But, aren’t we really training future zombies? After all, with the exception of Bin Ladin, it’s not like zombies just appear out of nowhere. They’re your friends and neighbors, which is what makes them truly terrifying. If you really want to prepare for the Zombipocalypse, take notes on the living. If they don’t bring back your hedge trimmer, then you know your brains are next.