Category: Pirates

This one reached the news wires a bit too late for Talk Like a Pirate Day, but you know us, we’ll write about it anyway.

In England, of all places, a woman, from what we understand through British-American translation, stole a passenger ferry boat after drinking for a couple days and taking some hallucinogenic drugs. Well, really she happened to untie the boat and happened to be on it as it drifted out on to the River Dart, which is named after the Dodge compact car.

When the police found her and chased her down river for over an hour, she shouted at them, “I’m Jack Sparrow!” We know this not to be true, because she’s a woman, and the real Jack would never introduce himself without the title of captain. The impostor was arrested after the boat struck some other boats, one of which called the Force Majeure, which, loosely translated into American means “Act of God.”

We all know that Lindsay Lohan be one of the craziest forward wenches to ever walk a plank, this much be true. But we bet ye didn’t know she fled the scene of an accident this morning, did ye?

Good day to ye. If ye don’t know already, today be Talk Like a Pirate Day, the finest day o’ the year! To celebrate, we pirates will be postin’ in our native tongue. Avast!

Accordin’ to the tales of one old public relations scallywag, the tradition o’ ladies throwin’ their pantaloons and key to their hotel rooms at Tom Jones durin’ concerts began because the wenches were paid to do it. Jones, a relative of Davy Jones, who keeps his locker at the bottom of the sea, never knew o’ the stunt, Jay Bernstein writes in his memoirStarmaker.

But befer ye knew it, wenches would be throwin’ ’em fer free the minute ol’ Tom started singin’ his shanties.

If you see a pirate walking down the street today in uniform, stop and thank him.

A man in Florida learned it’s a bad idea to try stealing plunder from a pirate bar. According to police reports, a 29-year-old man broke into Captain Steamer’s Oyster Bar (motto: “Party like a pirate”) and received quite a shock when a security guard confronted him with, what else, a sword.

Though he was armed with a tire iron, the would-be burglar eventually dropped his weapon while the security guard, Anthony Brisbane, 49, called police. A scuffle then broke out, but the pirate/security guard won, thanks to an assist from a Bud Light bottle, which Brisbane smacked on the intruder’s head.