Ahoy, me hearties! As ye know, today be Talk Like a Pirate Day, an’ the Guys are here to celebrate it. However, this post comes with a trigger warnin’: if ye are a man, ye may want to skip this one. Turn back now, here there be monsters.
We take ye to Austria, where a casual drive ended up with a landlubbber having surgery on his plank. Accordin’ to authorities, a man and a wench were out for a drive, and to use the medical terminology, the woman was performin’ a sword-swallowing trick fer the man, who was drivin’. A deer suddenly jumped out in front o’ the car, causing the man to slam on the brakes, and the woman accidentally bit down.
Luckily, surgeons say the wound to the man’s manhood was superficial, and he should be out o’ dry dock soon.
A baby in Spain nearly died of scurvy after drinking almond milk-based formula instead of something that nutritionally resembles breast milk. Fortunately, it only took 8 months and an inability to touch his legs without causing pain before someone took him to the doctor.
Almond milk, which is mostly bullsh*t (it’s the number three ingredient after water and almonds), doesn’t contain enough vitamin C to prevent malnutrition, especially when you’re too young to suck limes on longer ocean voyages.
It’s a sad thing when a loved one passes away, and one of the saddest things to do when this happens is cleaning out the deceased’s things. Especially when you find a surprise.
In Florida, a woman was cleaning out her grandparents’ attic when she came across what could be the hand of a fabled pirate. She found a box containing a picture of her great grandparents, old coins, a map and what appears to be a human hand with a ring on one finger. The woman’s brother, Mike Lopez, believes it could be related to Jose Gaspar, a supposed Spanish pirate who raided west Florida towns in the late 1700s and early 1800s, according to legend.
Some say the contents of the box are too recent to be from Gaspar’s time, and the hand will be examined to confirm its authenticity, and maybe identify its owner.
Despite having an entire day dedicated to talking like them, pirates are still second-class citizens here in America. In recent weeks, we’ve seen pirates get beaten up and have security called on them just for how they dress. The hatred continues.
In Hawaii, a place that ought to have a lot of experience with pirates, one man was flying back from Maui to San Francisco, or at least he tried. TSA agents didn’t like that he had a cannon barrel in his checked luggage even though it wasn’t loaded. A pirate never travels without his guns. After some unwarranted harassment and trampling of his rights as a human, the pirate was allowed to board his flight, but his cannon barrel had to fly back separately.
People are discriminated against every day simply because they dress like a pirate. Last week was not an isolated incident.
On Talk Like a Pirate Day, a North Carolina elementary school staff member dressed as a pirate, probably because he’s a method actor. It wasn’t long before police were called because of a “suspicious person,” and the school was put on lock down. Someone saw the staff member as a threat simply because he chose to dress like a pirate.
You may have noticed that The Guys like pirates. Not the Captain Phillips kind, the swashbuckling kind. That’s why we’re shocked at the latest news from Florida.
According to police, a man in South Florida was walking down the street in a pirate costume (which we assume happens a lot down there), frightening two men in their 20s. They ran to tell a nearby security guard that there was (be) a pirate nearby, and ar(rr)med themselves. The drove around until they found the pirate again, jumped out of their vehicle and held a gun to his head.
Luckily, they didn’t shoot the guy in the scary pirate costume. Instead, they got arrested.
The Iranian government dropped charrrges against seven young lads and lasses fer making an “obscene video clip that offended the public morals and was released in cyberspace.” If ye be wonderin’ just what the little blighters were up to in said video, they were dancing to Pharrell Williams’ song “Happy.”
Six were originally sentenced to six months in prison and 91 lashes, and the seventh to one year in addition to the lashings. However, all seven publicly apologized and promised t’ never again be lured into making what a Tehran police chief called a “vulgar clip that hurt public chastity.”
So, let this be a lesson to ye young Iranians: the floggings will cease when morale improves — improvement being from “Happy” to gruelingly chaste.
Now, ye may be drawin’ a conclusion that we at the good ship SeriouslyGuys be all for such a location. Ye be wrong. See, pirates be believin’ not in much, but we do have some rules when it comes to brawlin’ and rough-housin’. We have it on good authority that these children be refusin’ to do two t’ings:
No arms be akimbo when they line up for a duel.
Duel weapons be consistin’ o’ flintlocks and swords, not hot sauce.
It’s simply disgraceful.
‘Tis only one conclusion that ye need be drawin’: Taco Bell be full o’ bilge rats.
America has lost its way. We see evidence of it all the time. Some of you may remember back in 1989, when we invaded Panama to get Manuel Noriega. He dug himself in at the Vatican embassy. Since we didn’t want to go traipsing through the pope’s front yard, our boys cranked The Clash’s cover of “I Fought the Law” to get him to surrender. (They didn’t touch Van Halen’s “Panama,” because those guys are litigious.)
If you believe British newspapers, U.S. merchant ships are now blasting Britney Spears songs to deter Somali pirates as they sail along the coast of Africa. Apparently, the pirates don’t like Western music or culture very much, so hearing “Oops!… I Did It Again” and “Baby One More Time” is actually pretty effective at driving them away.
And you thought you didn’t have anything in common with Somali pirates.