America has lost its way. We see evidence of it all the time. Some of you may remember back in 1989, when we invaded Panama to get Manuel Noriega. He dug himself in at the Vatican embassy. Since we didn’t want to go traipsing through the pope’s front yard, our boys cranked The Clash’s cover of “I Fought the Law” to get him to surrender. (They didn’t touch Van Halen’s “Panama,” because those guys are litigious.)
If you believe British newspapers, U.S. merchant ships are now blasting Britney Spears songs to deter Somali pirates as they sail along the coast of Africa. Apparently, the pirates don’t like Western music or culture very much, so hearing “Oops!… I Did It Again” and “Baby One More Time” is actually pretty effective at driving them away.
And you thought you didn’t have anything in common with Somali pirates.
Ahoy! We literary thieves and beggars known as Seriously Guys always be fans of ye old wrecking ball. But now the wench child of Billy Ray Cyrus, be responsible fer’ making Grand Valley State University make a piece of art walk the plank after students pillaged it and re-make her “Wrecking Ball” video, hopefully with a bottle of rum.
Pirates may not be the noblest o’ scurvy dawgs, but we be a lot more kinder goin’ than the ninja. Ninjas, the sworn enemy o’ the pirate, are a lot that be needin’ ta see Ol’ Davy Jones’ locker, what with all their flippin’ around and slicin’ up o’ people. At least when we pirates attack ya, you kin al’ays parley (though ye won’ if ye know what’s good for ye … YARRGH). Ninjas don’ even have a code like that!
That’s why we be o’ two minds about Jackie Chan. Sure, he seems like a nice enough swab, and he could probably climb up to the crows’ nest faster than the rest of you scurvy lot (that’s right, I be talkin’ about you, Mister Smee!). But have you been seeing his movin’ pictures? The man be flippin’ around … just like a ninja.
That’s why we be of two more minds about JC World, the amusement park he be building all in honor o’ himself and filled to the gills with his personal effects. Sure, the lot o’ his personal effects may be worth some money, and what self-proclaiming privateer be avoidin’ loot? But how do we be knowin’ it ain’t no trap by ninjas? Be foolin’ me once, shame on me. Be foolin’ me twice, sword in you.
We all enjoy a glass o’ grog, do we not? But it be expensive t’buy when in port. What if ye were able t’make alcohol in yer gut and not need t’drink a thing?
A 61-year-old landlubber from Texas can do just that. He found he was gettin’ his sea legs without havin’ touched a drop o’ the good stuff. Doctors eventually figured out he had a type o’ yeast livin’ in his gut, and it was feedin’ off starchy foods he ate. The yeast would make alcohol an’ get him drunk. It be called auto-brewery syndrome.
If it’s still Wednesday and you’re reading this, then tomorrow (Thursday) is Talk Like A Pirate Day. If it’s Thursday morning, then it’s not too late to pretend you swallowed a bug or had a stroke and start celebrating post-haste.
The Guys have a long history with TLAPD. In fact, one of us may secretly even be a ghost pirate! (It’s Chugs. The ghost pirate guy is Chugs.)
It’s because of this intimacy with what may very well be our favorite holiday — yes, even more so than Slutoween — that gives us pause this year. What if TLAPD happens, and nobody talks like a pirate? Continue reading →
This one reached the news wires a bit too late for Talk Like a Pirate Day, but you know us, we’ll write about it anyway.
In England, of all places, a woman, from what we understand through British-American translation, stole a passenger ferry boat after drinking for a couple days and taking some hallucinogenic drugs. Well, really she happened to untie the boat and happened to be on it as it drifted out on to the River Dart, which is named after the Dodge compact car.
When the police found her and chased her down river for over an hour, she shouted at them, “I’m Jack Sparrow!” We know this not to be true, because she’s a woman, and the real Jack would never introduce himself without the title of captain. The impostor was arrested after the boat struck some other boats, one of which called the Force Majeure, which, loosely translated into American means “Act of God.”
Ahoy, mateys! Ship’s surgeon Dr. Snee here, reportin’ fer duty! Yarrrrr!
To celebrate Talk like a Pirate Day, I’ll be answering yer medical queries concerning all things piratical in nature. And, if ye be needin’ a second opinion, then I’ve trained me helper pigeon, Nurse Polly, to repeat everything I just said, plus several pirate insults because yer a mutinous cockswain!
Weigh anchor and hit the jump, me hearties! I promise not to let the crew cast ye into Davy Jones Locker until the cook gets yer best parts in the stew. Continue reading →
Yar! I never be someone who watched 24. I always be thinking the show be just extremely ridiculous, and that’s me saying that (just yesterday at work, aboard my vessel, I be telling quite a tale about a robot that runs around dispensing hyper-ebola). All I know about 24 is that Jack Bauer be seemingly as invincible as the Flying Dutchman and that he works for a counter-terrorism group. Also, Aisha Tyler (mmmm, Aisha Tyler be quite a tasty wench).
I can now successfully say that Jack Bauer’s counter-terrorism group, even with Aisha Tyler, be a group o’ landlubbers. The most awesome counter-terrorism group be officially HALO Corp., located out of San Diego (known to many a water-bearing vessel as Whale’s Vagina).
Actually, aye, it be a drill, but that’s okay. Part of a counter-terrorism summit, the future-training for their employees is being done in order to save human lives. It’s that kind of serious thinking and planning that brings a proud tear to my eye.