SomaliYAR!!!!!!

Posted on October 30, 2007
Filed Under Pirates | Leave a Comment |

We here at SeriouslyGuys be taking our pirating seriously. Apparently so be them Somalian pirates. So if any of ye swine find yerselves out on the seven seas and get attacked, don’t be coming back saying we didn’t warn ye.

Written by Bryan Schools

Have you had your ARRRRRR today?

Posted on October 17, 2007
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Pirate attacks may be up and all, but there’s just one problem–these guys just lack the dramatic flair for the job. I mean, sure, they’ve got the STD, skin conditions, and lack of teeth stuff down to a fine art, but the language? It’s just not there.

That’s why I say to all our readers out there, fight global warming and show these “pirates” how real pirates act! ARRRRRRRR!

Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor

Take it from Mister Snee: We all be needin’ Talk Like A Pirate Day

Posted on September 19, 2007
Filed Under Pirates, Take it from Snee | Leave a Comment |

Happy International Talk Like A Pirate Day, me hearties!

I’ve been celebratin’ this pro’ound holiday for several years, includin’ two columns in The Guys’ old prov’n ground, Radford University’s newspaperrr, The Tarrrrrt’n. It’s been gainin’ interest since the release o’, from all sources, Disney’s and Bruckheimer’s Pirates o’ the Caribbean; but now that the series be over, what perchance should happen to our favorite holiday?

It be a terrifyin’ prospect for considerin’. Once Marilyn Manson became passé, Halloween became all about the infernal Powerrr Rangers again. Christmas only witness’d a massive cultural upswing with the release o’ Reindeer Games, but now ye’d be lucky to find decorrrations as early as June. On the other hand, The Passion o’ the Christ scar’d the bilge out o’ so many lubbers that Easterrr feels like celebratin’ yer first keelhaul. (In other words, undesirable.)

Aye, the faithful shall remain, but be that enough for maintainin’ a sense o’ dignity every September 19?

Some would argue for keepin’ this day exclusive, but it be more important to be sharin’ the buccaneerin’ spirit with mateys at all four corners o’ the charts.

For instance, do ye think the Chinese be free to express their piratical natures? It be laughable to think so. Why, these poor rats be forc’d to shanghai (har!) their way into the Interrrnet for pornography. Yarr, it aggravates the senses further to think that this be happenin’ in plenty other countries to boot!

And take into further consideration the plight o’ the moderrrn cube rat. Most pirates got their start workin’ for The Man (o’ in this historic case, The British Man). They were flogg’d into submission to autocratic rulin’ and had no liberties to speak o’, save their evenin’ ration o’ grog. What did they do? They got fed up and turn’d pirate, they did. But there be no sign on the horizon o’ anyone today takin’ a stand and sayin’ no to extra unpaid hours when they’d rather be home watchin’ Survivorrr.

And, o’ course, there be the recent case of Andrew Case, the young lad that the University o’ Florida Police felt in need of a taserrrin’. Case ‘tis the very example o’ why the old salts left the British Navy in the firrrst place, or why another group o’ lubbers pitch’d tea off o’ diversities into Boston Harbor–”diversities” be meanin’ old, old wooden sailin’ ships.

‘Twere briny depths that day indeed!
I’d be remiss to not point out that the constables were already settin’ Case in shackles b’fore even makin’ him dance with Jack Ketch–all because he broke a rule about not speakin’ out o’ turn in a “town meetin.’”

It be a sign o’ the times. We’d rather be goin’ ’bout our business then be inconvienc’d for one second of unsettlin’ liberty. And why? Because we want to follow the rules and not be getting’ the boot. We’d rather be acceptin’ our pint o’ grog than to be takin’ 40 lashin’s in the public square.

So that’s why it be so blast’d important that this day survive Johnny Depp and Kiera Knightley. It be a fun day o’ confusin’ classmateys and office crewmemberrrs, but it also be a celebration o’ the spirit that originally found’d this nation: captainin’ our own fates, rather than lettin’ some other lifeless lubber do it for us. International Talk Like A Pirate Day cannot remain in our exclusive lot’s coffers, but shar’d with the disenfranchis’d all around us.

Written by Rick Snee

Flog all those who complain

Posted on September 19, 2007
Filed Under Pirates, Scurry '08 | Leave a Comment |

In case ye didn’t hear by now, a college student in Florida was asking Sen. John Kerry a question at a student forum when he was arrested by campus police for goin’ o’er his time limit and refusin’ to put down his microphone.

This blog would like to say it is all for the taserin’ o’ people for whatever reason. But we’d rather he taste the lashes from the cat o’ nine tails. Those who can’t obey orders will be punished and kept from the rum.

Since this is a political story, this would ordinarily be a Scurry to the White House ‘04, but today it’s Scurvy to the White House ‘04.

Written by Bryan McBournie

If only he had been in a sea-going vessel …

Posted on September 19, 2007
Filed Under Pirates | Leave a Comment |

Ahoy! A carnival worker helpfully explained to the local constabulatory that it not be rum nor lollygagglin’ that be leading him to crash his truck into a telephone pole … it be the people having sex in the back seat who made the vehicle all “tippy.” Not everyone be able to score true booty, it would seem, eh lad? It be appearing that this lad be not of the sea dawg variety, as anyone who rides the open waters knows that “tippy” be but par for the course out there.

Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor

Halo 3 … for ye swabby!

Posted on September 19, 2007
Filed Under Pirates, Sex Sells, War on Aliens | Leave a Comment |

In a bit of pirate-spirited irony for the stereotype, Bungie be putting out a jimmy hat to commemorate the release of their newst product, which sadly, be not a seagoing vessel, but a little thing called Halo.

Take heed, all: if ye be acquiring the Halo 3 Legendary edition, Halo 3 Game Fuel, Halo Actionclix and already preordered Halo Wars, there be a good chance that ye not be needing this to acquire this as well. If ye have done all of those, there probably not be many chances for you to use this treasure on the booty of a wench. YAR!

Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor

Attention citizens o’ Seattle

Posted on September 19, 2007
Filed Under Pirates, Sex Sells | Leave a Comment |

Aside from the usual warnings of a pirate attack aimed at any coastal town, Seattle has a new activity: ridin’ the SLUT. That’s right, we said SLUT.

Commuters in Seattle have a new line on which to travel: the South Lake Union Trolley. This has lead to T-shirts sellin’ like hotcakes. They sold out the same day they were first sold. This blog be jealous o’ Seattle, after all, what better after a long day at work then a ride on the SLUT?

Written by Bryan McBournie

Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day!

Posted on September 19, 2007
Filed Under Pirates | Leave a Comment |

Ahoy there, mateys. Nay, your deadlights don’t deceive you. The Guys will be bringin’ ye the same ol’ SG goodness that ye love so dearly, but we shall be doin’ it whilst talking–er, typing like pirates.

So grab the nearest glass o’ grog and read on!

Written by Bryan McBournie