This is the tale of poseur Jack Sparrow

This one reached the news wires a bit too late for Talk Like a Pirate Day, but you know us, we’ll write about it anyway.

In England, of all places, a woman, from what we understand through British-American translation, stole a passenger ferry boat after drinking for a couple days and taking some hallucinogenic drugs. Well, really she happened to untie the boat and happened to be on it as it drifted out on to the River Dart, which is named after the Dodge compact car.

When the police found her and chased her down river for over an hour, she shouted at them, “I’m Jack Sparrow!” We know this not to be true, because she’s a woman, and the real Jack would never introduce himself without the title of captain. The impostor was arrested after the boat struck some other boats, one of which called the Force Majeure, which, loosely translated into American means “Act of God.”

Ask Dr. Snee: Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of Prozac

Ahoy, mateys! Ship’s surgeon Dr. Snee here, reportin’ fer duty! Yarrrrr!

To celebrate Talk like a Pirate Day, I’ll be answering yer medical queries concerning all things piratical in nature. And, if ye be needin’ a second opinion, then I’ve trained me helper pigeon, Nurse Polly, to repeat everything I just said, plus several pirate insults because yer a mutinous cockswain!

Weigh anchor and hit the jump, me hearties! I promise not to let the crew cast ye into Davy Jones Locker until the cook gets yer best parts in the stew.  Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of Prozac

Zombies versus Jack Bauer

Yar! I never be someone who watched 24. I always be thinking the show be just extremely ridiculous, and that’s me saying that (just yesterday at work, aboard my vessel, I be telling quite a tale about a robot that runs around dispensing hyper-ebola). All I know about 24 is that Jack Bauer be seemingly as invincible as the Flying Dutchman and that he works for a counter-terrorism group. Also, Aisha Tyler (mmmm, Aisha Tyler be quite a tasty wench).

I can now successfully say that Jack Bauer’s counter-terrorism group, even with Aisha Tyler, be a group o’ landlubbers. The most awesome counter-terrorism group be officially HALO Corp., located out of San Diego (known to many a water-bearing vessel as Whale’s Vagina).

On Halloween, HALO will be taking on zombies. And it will not be a drill.

Actually, aye, it be a drill, but that’s okay. Part of a counter-terrorism summit, the future-training for their employees is being done in order to save human lives. It’s that kind of serious thinking and planning that brings a proud tear to my eye.

Jesus may have gotten booty, put a ring on it

In keepin’ with today’s Talk Like A Pirate celebration, ye might be thinkin’ that Jesus isn’t what you call “piratical.” But, he drank, hanged out on fishing boats and healed cripples, albeit it not with pegs and hooks.

So, with his pirate credentials smartly established, let’s look at his wife.

What vexes ye? Oh, ye didn’t know about Jesus’ wife? That’s because some university researchers just discoverrred an Egyptian text that makes reference to her. Feast yer deadlights on our Coptic copy right here:

“Jesus said to them, ‘Take the parable of my wife … please! Ha ha, just kidding, but seriously …'”

If it’s true and Jesus was married, then one thing’s fer certain: there be a ton of priests smacking their foreheads this morn’, wonderin’ why they’ve been buggering lads the whole time.

Say t’isn’t so, Tom!

Good day to ye. If ye don’t know already, today be Talk Like a Pirate Day, the finest day o’ the year! To celebrate, we pirates will be postin’ in our native tongue. Avast!

Accordin’ to the tales of one old public relations scallywag, the tradition o’ ladies throwin’ their pantaloons and key to their hotel rooms at Tom Jones durin’ concerts began because the wenches were paid to do it. Jones, a relative of Davy Jones, who keeps his locker at the bottom of the sea, never knew o’ the stunt, Jay Bernstein writes in his memoirStarmaker.

But befer ye knew it, wenches would be throwin’ ’em fer free the minute ol’ Tom started singin’ his shanties.

Never bring a tire iron to a sword fight

If you see a pirate walking down the street today in uniform, stop and thank him.

A man in Florida learned it’s a bad idea to try stealing plunder from a pirate bar. According to police reports, a 29-year-old man broke into Captain Steamer’s Oyster Bar (motto: “Party like a pirate”) and received quite a shock when a security guard confronted him with, what else, a sword.

Though he was armed with a tire iron, the would-be burglar eventually dropped his weapon while the security guard, Anthony Brisbane, 49, called police. A scuffle then broke out, but the pirate/security guard won, thanks to an assist from a Bud Light bottle, which Brisbane smacked on the intruder’s head.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Torrents

Sweden — famous for their meatballs, erotica and competitive bikini-wearing (see image) — has recognized a new religion, the Church of Kopimism.

Kopimism — based on the Swedish words for “copy me” — is based partially on the belief that all information is sacred and, therefore, free to share a la Pirate Bay. (Another belief is that all communication is sacred should remain private.) Their new status as a recognized religion grants them protections in Sweden for violating copyrights.

The Guys think this is such a great idea that we’ve decided to found our own religion, the Church of Free Movies and Music and Stuff. Look for our upcoming Web site, which looks just like the Kopimists’ site, only with our name on top. We’ll probably clean up some of their meatballed English while we’re at it.

Profiles in bad parenting

High school is a rough time for most people. Unless you’re slutty or reasonably athletic, you’re just trying to get through the day and avoid any notice from your fellow students. One dad in Utah decided that being a sophomore in high school (in Utah, too) wasn’t hard enough.

He decided to, every morning, dress in a different costume and wave to his son’s bus as it passed by in the morning, humiliating his kid. The man, who for some reason named his son Rain, dressed up in 180 different costumes over the course of the school year, including a pirate, Michael Jackson (the white one, we assume), and a bride. In other news, this kid’s virginity is safe until college.

We’re not really sure about the source’s labeling of this “best prank ever,” It’s technically not even a prank, since the victim is not actually triggering the event itself.

Never prematurely drop anchor

We know how it is, you’re going to see, so it’s time to bend an elbow like a true sailor.

We are totally OK with that. Being pirate enthusiasts (check out our Sept. 19 posts–any year) we are all for drinking on board a ship, plus a little anarchy. However, it may be ill-advised to drop the anchor on your cruise ship as it is churning through the sea. Not for some sort of safety issue or anything like that, but it could kill the propeller, and then how would you reach land to pillage more rum?

See, this is why pirates always used sails.

(A+A via Consumerist)