Category: Pirates

| Posted in Pirates

Man dressed as a pirate held at gunpoint

You may have noticed that The Guys like pirates. Not the Captain Phillips kind, the swashbuckling kind. That’s why we’re shocked at the latest news from Florida.

According to police, a man in South Florida was walking down the street in a pirate costume (which we assume happens a lot down there), frightening two men in their 20s. They ran to tell a nearby security guard that there was (be) a pirate nearby, and ar(rr)med themselves. The drove around until they found the pirate again, jumped out of their vehicle and held a gun to his head.

Luckily, they didn’t shoot the guy in the scary pirate costume. Instead, they got arrested.

| Posted in Pirates, What a Reach!

Iran halts flogging, declares morale improved

Iranians be not so different from ye and me, in that we all become violent from too many listenings to "Happy."
Iranians be not so different from ye and me, in that we all secretly side with John Lithgow’s character in Footloose after too many listenings to “Happy.”

The Iranian government dropped charrrges against seven young lads and lasses fer making an “obscene video clip that offended the public morals and was released in cyberspace.” If ye be wonderin’ just what the little blighters were up to in said video, they were dancing to Pharrell Williams’ song “Happy.”

Six were originally sentenced to six months in prison and 91 lashes, and the seventh to  one year in addition to the lashings. However, all seven publicly apologized and promised t’ never again be lured into making what a Tehran police chief called a “vulgar clip that hurt public chastity.”

So, let this be a lesson to ye young Iranians: the floggings will cease when morale improves — improvement being from “Happy” to gruelingly chaste.

| Posted in Pirates

The first rule ’bout Taco Bell Club be there be no speakin’ o’ Taco Bell Club

Avast! We be in for stormy waters ahead, and anybody that be makin’ a run for the border best be wary o’ what time their ship be a-sailin’.

Ye already be aware o’ those patronizing the lost land of Taco Bell be some of the worst landlubbers that ever set foot, but the case may be e’en worse. One spot in that cursed isle be turnin’ itself into a land full o’ fights for lass and lads once the sun be halfway through its job.

Now, ye may be drawin’ a conclusion that we at the good ship SeriouslyGuys be all for such a location. Ye be wrong. See, pirates be believin’ not in much, but we do have some rules when it comes to brawlin’ and rough-housin’. We have it on good authority that these children be refusin’ to do two t’ings:

  1. No arms be akimbo when they line up for a duel.
  2. Duel weapons be consistin’ o’ flintlocks and swords, not hot sauce.

It’s simply disgraceful.

‘Tis only one conclusion that ye need be drawin': Taco Bell be full o’ bilge rats.

| Posted in Pirates

The new soundtrack for ‘Captain Phillips’

America has lost its way. We see evidence of it all the time. Some of you may remember back in 1989, when we invaded Panama to get Manuel Noriega. He dug himself in at the Vatican embassy. Since we didn’t want to go traipsing through the pope’s front yard, our boys cranked The Clash’s cover of “I Fought the Law” to get him to surrender. (They didn’t touch Van Halen’s “Panama,” because those guys are litigious.)

If you believe British newspapers, U.S. merchant ships are now blasting Britney Spears songs to deter Somali pirates as they sail along the coast of Africa. Apparently, the pirates don’t like Western music or culture very much, so hearing “Oops!… I Did It Again” and “Baby One More Time” is actually pretty effective at driving them away.

And you thought you didn’t have anything in common with Somali pirates.

| Posted in Pirates

‘Liking’ this post be guaranteed free speech

Jeffrey Lebowski responds to the court's unanimous decision: "That's just like your opinion, man." He exercises this right a lot.
Jeffrey Lebowski responds to the court’s unanimous decision: “That’s just like your opinion, man.” He exercises this right a lot.

If ye be worried that ‘liking’ something on Facebook can be used against ye, then fear not! The U.S. Court of Appeals in Richmond, Virginia, ruled that the act o’ ‘liking’ things on Facebook be protected under the First Amendment.

So, ye can ‘like’ things as much as ye can stands, and the Coast Guard can’t say nothin’ about it. (Or, if ye be not at sea, your local lubber constabulary.)

If ye’d be interested in exercisin’ this new right, might we suggest clickin’ the ‘Like’ button below?

| Posted in Pirates

Gar, that Miley wench strikes again

Ahoy! We literary thieves and beggars known as Seriously Guys always be fans of ye old wrecking ball. But now the wench child of Billy Ray Cyrus, be responsible fer’ making Grand Valley State University make a piece of art walk the plank after students pillaged it and re-make her “Wrecking Ball” video, hopefully with a bottle of rum.

| Posted in Pirates

Yarrgh, it be the Jackie Chan-iest place on Earth

Pirates may not be the noblest o’ scurvy dawgs, but we be a lot more kinder goin’ than the ninja. Ninjas, the sworn enemy o’ the pirate, are a lot that be needin’ ta see Ol’ Davy Jones’ locker, what with all their flippin’ around and slicin’ up o’ people. At least when we pirates attack ya, you kin al’ays parley (though ye won’ if ye know what’s good for ye … YARRGH). Ninjas don’ even have a code like that!

That’s why we be o’ two minds about Jackie Chan. Sure, he seems like a nice enough swab, and he could probably climb up to the crows’ nest faster than the rest of you scurvy lot (that’s right, I be talkin’ about you, Mister Smee!). But have you been seeing his movin’ pictures? The man be flippin’ around … just like a ninja.

That’s why we be of two more minds about JC World, the amusement park he be building all in honor o’ himself and filled to the gills with his personal effects. Sure, the lot o’ his personal effects may be worth some money, and what self-proclaiming privateer be avoidin’ loot? But how do we be knowin’ it ain’t no trap by ninjas? Be foolin’ me once, shame on me. Be foolin’ me twice, sword in you.

| Posted in Booze News, Pirates

Ye can get yerself drunk without drinkin’

We all enjoy a glass o’ grog, do we not? But it be expensive t’buy when in port. What if ye were able t’make alcohol in yer gut and not need t’drink a thing?

A 61-year-old landlubber from Texas can do just that. He found he was gettin’ his sea legs without havin’ touched a drop o’ the good stuff. Doctors eventually figured out he had a type o’ yeast livin’ in his gut, and it was feedin’ off starchy foods he ate. The yeast would make alcohol an’ get him drunk. It be called auto-brewery syndrome.

We found the cure fer growin’ old, mateys!

| Posted in Pirates, Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: Your reminder that tomorrow is Talk Like A Pirate Day

Do ye have th' guts to raise ye colors in th' workplace?
Do ye have th’ guts to raise ye colors in th’ workplace?

If it’s still Wednesday and you’re reading this, then tomorrow (Thursday) is Talk Like A Pirate Day. If it’s Thursday morning, then it’s not too late to pretend you swallowed a bug or had a stroke and start celebrating post-haste.

The Guys have a long history with TLAPD. In fact, one of us may secretly even be a ghost pirate! (It’s Chugs. The ghost pirate guy is Chugs.)

It’s because of this intimacy with what may very well be our favorite holiday — yes, even more so than Slutoween — that gives us pause this year. What if TLAPD happens, and nobody talks like a pirate?  Continue reading

| Posted in Pirates

This is the tale of poseur Jack Sparrow

This one reached the news wires a bit too late for Talk Like a Pirate Day, but you know us, we’ll write about it anyway.

In England, of all places, a woman, from what we understand through British-American translation, stole a passenger ferry boat after drinking for a couple days and taking some hallucinogenic drugs. Well, really she happened to untie the boat and happened to be on it as it drifted out on to the River Dart, which is named after the Dodge compact car.

When the police found her and chased her down river for over an hour, she shouted at them, “I’m Jack Sparrow!” We know this not to be true, because she’s a woman, and the real Jack would never introduce himself without the title of captain. The impostor was arrested after the boat struck some other boats, one of which called the Force Majeure, which, loosely translated into American means “Act of God.”