Howard still be his name, though

You can still maintain your godfather credentials by muttering your way through the new Lord’s Prayer.

If you’re a lapsed Catholic who recently got dragged into Mass, you probably got thrown for a loop when you were the only one in the pew to say, “And also with you,” to your priest. Apparently, someone changed the response to “And with your spirit,” which makes no damn sense except as a gotcha. (John Mulaney knows what’s up … now.)

Well, The Guys have your backs, cultural Catholics — if only to spite those judgy church marms at your next funeral. So, heads up: the Pope is changing the Catholic Pledge of Allegiance, the Lord’s Prayer (a.k.a. the “Our Father”).

Instead of “Lead us not into temptation,” Pope Francis believes that “do not let us enter into temptation” is a better translation because apparently god does not present temptations. This is, we will remind everyone, the same god who gave us bacon, beer and motorcycle ramps.

Of course, the real hazard here isn’t just tricking Christmas-and-Easter Catholics. It’s the English language. The Pope speaks Spanish and got the new wording from France — romance countries where pretty much every sentence ends with similar sounds. (This is why Latin Music has its own Grammy’s — too easy to qualify.) So, while we’re certain the new words maintain a similar cadence in romance languages, in English, we just 11 pounds of holiness into an eight pound censer: 11 syllables into an eight syllable line.

But, if you end up tripping up communal prayer, at least take solace in knowing that some sinner is taking forever working through his penance after confession this week.

Take it from Snee: The pope still poops in the woods

Maybe Pope Francis went to wash the Huckabee off of Kim Davis.
Maybe Pope Francis went to wash the Huckabee off of Kim Davis.

Pope Francis — first of his name; ruler of guys who still wear gold chains and most of anywhere soccer is called “football;” defender of faith-based incense — just wrapped up a very successful tour of the U.S.

The Holy See went and holy saw Washington, D.C., New York City and even slummed it up (for only an afternoon) in Philadelphia. And everywhere he went, he urged us to be the kind of people we like to think we are: to take care of the poor and maybe stop arming so many dillholes. He even convinced House Speaker John Boehner to quit his job and spend more time at home with his bronzer.

All-in-all, U.S. liberals got to sleep easy knowing that the foreign leader of a faith that mostly doesn’t apply to us is one of us. Hey, we might even start going to church again!

Fortunately for all parties, Pope Frank gave us all an easy out by visiting current liberal boogey-person (because “boogeyman” is cis-clusionary), Kim Davis.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: The pope still poops in the woods

U.S. Catholics to Church: ‘We are never ever getting back together again’

Culturally Catholic
Culturally Catholic

It looks like lapsed U.S. Catholics will not break unleavened Jesus with the Holy Roman Church any time soon. According to a new poll, 77 percent of people raised Catholic but no longer attending mass or considering themselves Catholic said that they cannot envision returning to the church. This is sort of bad news for Catholicism in America as U.S. membership has dropped from 23.9 percent of the population to 20.8 in only 7 years.

However, there is a new development out of this: a larger group of people who consider themselves “Culturally Catholic.” So, while only 20.8 percent of Americans consider themselves religiously Catholic or “Catholic Catholic,” 45 percent consider themselves Catholic in some way, whether that’s

  • Practicing — Catholic Catholics.
  • Not practicing — only Catholic when it comes to talking to your teenage daughter about birth control.
  • Ex-Catholic — too scarred from being raised Catholic to deny it.

So, Catholicism might be losing butts in pews, but look at what it’s gaining: the chance for its own Woody Allen … that isn’t a priest. If that isn’t the baseline for a truly mature monotheistic belief system, then we don’t know what is.

Pope to get higher than himself in Bolivia

God may now be OK with cocaine.

When he visits Bolivia in July, Pope Francis plans to eat coca leaves, the main ingredient in cocaine. People deal with the country’s high elevation by getting high off the leaves apparently. The pope has specifically asked to chew coca leaves.

In related news, Pope Francis’ itinerary has him up and talking with people for 48 hours straight.

 

This week’s guest stars on Popey-Doo: the Harlem Globetrotters!

Not only did the Pope learn how to spin a ball on his finger, but also how to make church music more interesting and what Jesus actually looked like.
Not only did the Pope learn how to spin a ball on his finger, but also how to make church music more interesting and what Jesus actually looked like.

It’s been a while since The Guys heard from Pope Francis I, so we sent the Harlem Globetrotters over to check on America’s favorite Catholic-who-didn’t-host-The-Colbert-Report.

Frank’s OK, folks! More than OK, actually. He’s now an honorary member of the Globetrotters, which — aside from being the voice of God on Earth — is the greatest distinction a man of his swatch can achieve.

Actually, you know what? We’re pretty sure this beats being the rock Jesus built his church on.

Cops in Philippines to wear adult diapers

The Pope is visiting the Philippines, and traffic cops are so excited they are soiling themselves.

Cops directing traffic in Manila will be required to wear adult diapers while Pope Francis is in town. There’s no reason given, but all the cops seem to be on board. It seems reasonable to say that the cops are expecting long shifts and don’t foresee bathroom breaks during them.

That means that the Popemobile may be brought back, if only so that His Holiness doesn’t have to deal with the smell.

Take me to your pontiff

“I want to believe” is a rally cry for all UFO nuts, but what if aliens want to believe in God? Pope Francis said he’d totally baptize those aliens.

During Mass on Monday morning, the pope asked, “If, for example, an expedition of Martians arrived tomorrow, what would happen?” He then said if the little green men were moved by the Holy Spirit to be baptized in Jesus’ name, he would do it.

When the Lord shows us the way, who are we to say, ‘No, Lord, it is not prudent! No, let’s do it this way.’ Who are we to close doors?

Indeed, who are we to lower the blast shields or close the pod bay doors?

Let’s hope they don’t destroy Catholic time-space

If fan-circulated rumors are true, we can expect cameos from the other 262 previous popes. Except Eccleston.
If fan-circulated rumors are true, we can expect cameos from the other 262 previous popes. Except Eccleston.

Pope Francis plans to canonize both ex-popes and -animated objects John Paul II (your mom’s favorite pope) and John XXIII (your grandmom’s) this weekend. But, he’s not doing it alone! Despite his reluctance to return to the role of pope, Benedict XVI will be there, too.

Papalians, we’re looking at a four pope television event. Set your Holy Tivos: this will be the biggest confluence of popes since the Middle Ages.

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s God’s voice on Earth!

Who sees the Holy See?
Who sees the Holy See?

In a recent interview, Pope Francis expressed discomfort with everyone’s attention, saying that he can’t be your Superman (your Superman, your Superman).

‘The pope is a man who laughs, cries, sleeps calmly and has friends like everyone else. A normal person,’ said Francis …

… in the third person.

Eh, at least he didn’t go all Baldwin on the interviewer and tell him f— off.

His holiness. His filthy mouthed holiness.

You can say freak. You can say frick. You can say frack. You can say fudge. You can even say frigg.

But whatever you do, if you’re in public, it’s probably best to not repeat what the Pope (link possibly NSFW due to language), even if he’s Hipster Pope. And if you speak Italian.