Category: Profiles in Sadness

| Filed under Headline of the Day, Profiles in Sadness

NFL QB survives inconvenience that killed some nobody

"Are you ready for some football, America?!"
“Are you ready for some football?!”

Fantasy football team owners, Vegas odds-setters and any remaining, yet inexplicable Detroit Lions fans, don’t worry. A bridge may have collapsed — killing a man — but Lions quarterback Matt Stafford is OK.

To reiterate: a bridge collapsed, a man died, traffic was blocked in both directions on a major highway to remove destroyed infrastructure and what was once a human being. But, most importantly, and what we should put in the headline, is that Matt Stafford, a guy who throws (and sometimes runs with) a football was unharmed.

He was, however, inconvenienced during others’ ultimately futile attempts to treat and prevent a man from dying. However, since he wasn’t involved in those efforts, there’s no point in reporting on them or the person who died.

| Filed under Profiles in Sadness, Sex Sells, What a Reach!

Profiles in Sadness: Trojans on kindergartners!

In a country where we just can’t muster the energy (ah? get it?) to be angry at BP anymore, we need a new story to enrage us. Where’s the fire? Where’s the passion? The inappropriate romance?

In Provincetown, Mass., of course. The P-town school district found itself under fire for a new sex education policy that would allow students to ask for free condoms from a school counselor without parental permission.

But the outrage isn’t over the parental permission part, not really. It’s that this policy gives condoms to children as young as six-years-old! How dare P-town give pre-adolescents the go-ahead to have sex without their parents’ permission!

And that’s where the story gets sad: they’re not simply handing them out.

Any student who asks for a condom has to go through counseling before that counselor considers giving one to the student. The policy is written so that no ages are set because, well, nobody is on the same sexual schedule, and when was the last time a parent successfully talked a moderately intelligent adolescent out of sex?

So, it looks like the school district will cave to political pressure and put an age limit on condoms, which the state doesn’t even do at drug stores. When the teacher pregnancy rate skyrockets, don’t say we didn’t warn you.

| Filed under Profiles in Sadness

‘José, can you see those five guys over there?’

Every now and then, an otherwise meaningless story achieves national significance because it contains the right combination of clickable elements. And that’s when The Guys document it in our ever-growing tableau of Profiles of Sadness.

Five Live Oak High School (Morgan Hill, Calif.) students were sent home on May 5 for their choice in clothing. They were all sitting together at lunch when approached by the vice principal. Two were wearing American flag bandannas, and the rest American flag t-shirts.

Yes, all five members of the group–at that lunch table–just happened to wear American paraphernalia, including ‘do-rags, on Cinco de Mayo. (So, either this was a calculated attempt for attention on the traditionally Mexican day, or they’re always dressed as the NASCARiest rednecks west of the Rockies.)

Still, administrators asked them to leave because they were afraid that their t-shirts would antagonize Mexican-American students, causing a race riot within their own walls.

And just to make sure that threat seemed real enough, the reporter found a stupid student believing that the day belongs solely to Mexicans:

“‘I think they should apologize cause it is a Mexican Heritage Day,’ Annicia Nunez, a Live Oak High student, said. ‘We don’t deserve to be get disrespected like that. We wouldn’t do that on Fourth of July.'”

So, for those keeping score at home, we’ve got:

  • The violation of five students’ free speech rights for clothing that doesn’t violate dress code policy (except maybe the hats part).
  • The intentional expression of unpopular speech without regard for any possible consequences, and then complaints when said consequences were realized.
  • The intentional selection of a poor interview subject who does not believe American independence applies to her entire ethnicity, yet a holiday sponsored by Corona does apply to her entire school.
  • The subsequent celebration of five a$$holes because of the way this was handled.

Only in America, folks. This could only happen in America.

| Filed under Profiles in Sadness

Last night’s ‘*bleep* Park’ episode

We’d like to extend a hearty congratulations to Comedy Central for almost having the courage to strike a blow for comedy and free expression.

Despite the “warnings” of a group of online Al-Qaeda wannabes, the network did air the 201st episode of South Park, which was the continuation of a two-part story concerning Muhammad and other figures the show has lampooned over the years.

Unfortunately, they also added extra bleeps, including over any mention of the name of Muhammad and the entire “I’ve learned something today …” exchange at the end. (We’d include footage, but Comedy Central refuses to release it online.)

That’s right: they covered the whole point of the episode with a long, offensive, caterwauling screech that we could still hear every time we closed our eyes to go to sleep last night. There are probably animals that are still running towards cable offices, trying to figure out who called them.

So, bravo, Comedy Central. Your cowardly sensibilities won out again, which have brought us such safe choices as “The Jeff Dunham Show” and “The Blue Collar Comedy Show.”

Remind us again: when has the safe choice ever worked out for you?

| Filed under Profiles in Sadness

Palin goes full retard, drags rest of U.S. with her

Sarah Palin kicked off a new Profile in Sadness this week by being offended by Rahm Emmanuel’s use of the word “retarded” to describe a retarded idea in a strategy session meeting.

Though Palin was not in attendance, she is demanding that the White House fire the White House Chief of Staff, claiming that it was just like Emmanuel called her son, Trig, the “N-word.” (Why do white people always pull out the n-word like it’s their go-to?) The Guys would bet dollars to donuts that she thought the staffers’ plan actually had something to do with her spawn.

But, she’s not the only one to behave like a retard in this situation: Emmanuel called Tim Shriver, CEO of the Special Olympics, to apologize. Tim Shriver doesn’t even have a mental handicap. That’s like apologizing to a car wash after you keyed someone’s pickup.

Of course, the Special Olympics is using the opportunity to “Spread the Word to End the Word.” And by “the word,” they mean “retarded”: a word they haven’t used in years to describe their participants, nor do the rest of us. We do use it, however, to refer to people that accidentally blow their nuts off or think Africa is a country.

Look, folks. Nobody cares if we use the words “stupid,” “idiot,” “moron,” “dumb” or “imbecile,” and they all have the same origin as “retarded.” Acting retarded will not make people with mental disabilities feel like they’re in good company because they’re not retarded.

At the end of the day, do we really want to live in a world where we can’t call Democrats “f#%king retarded” for proposing to launch an ad campaign against their own congresspeople in an election year?

| Filed under Profiles in Sadness

Chris Matthews doesn’t remember color

After President Barack “Still Doesn’t Show Up In Spellchecker” Obama’s State of the Union Address last night, MSNBC host Chris Matthews commented on … something about the President, saying:

“I was trying to think about who he was tonight. And uh, it’s interesting. He is post-racial, by all appearances. You know, I forgot he was black tonight for an hour….”

And so we delve into another entry into Profiles in Sadness.

Let’s start with the reaction, since that’s why we’re even talking about this today: stupid people, with names like “Shoehead” and “Brent Bozell” think he was being racist.

Here’s our question: does anybody know what Chris Matthews was talking about? Is he saying he forgot about Barack Obama’s race? That Obama has wiped out race? That he sounds like a cooler-than-average white guy when Matthews close his eyes? That race ceased to exist for an hour because Obama may or may not be black until you look inside the TV, a Schrödinger’s Democrat?

We’ll take this further: does Chris Matthews know what Chris Matthews is talking about ever? Does this sound like a man who speaks with any forethought whatsoever?

  • “The on-air host was roundly criticized for calling West Point cadets ‘the enemy camp’ when Obama spoke at the U.S. Military Academy in December.”
  • “Matthews also was criticized for saying he ‘felt this thrill going up my leg’ after listening to Obama speak during the presidential primary campaign.”

And that’s the saddest part about this story. Chris Matthews doesn’t speak. MSNBC runs a fanhose to his ***hole, and cuts it on whenever it’s time for words to come out of his mouth. He’s like a perfect pitch bagpipe, as in no matter how many people like his music, damn if it isn’t both annoying and perplexing.

So, who really loses in this affair? We’re gonna go with the party with the least to say about it: MSNBC. They still have no comment.

| Filed under Profiles in Sadness

You wouldn’t think 9/11 is news …

… but despite the country song about Afghanistan Iraq Iran Yemen, some prominent Republicans have forgotten.

So, to help Dana Perino and now Rudy “9/11″ Giuliani have a new story to react to, SeriouslyGuys is posting the following news announcement:

Terrorists attacked three important U.S. landmarks with hijacked commercial aircraft: the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and Pennsylvania grassland on September 11, 2001 under President George W. Bush and New York City Mayor, Rudolph Giuliani.

Shortly thereafter, anthrax was found in the mail, addressed to the Toms Daschle and Brokaw. This was also called by then-President Bush a terrorist attack.

And in December of that same year, Richard Reid tried to bomb American Airlines Flight 63 with his shoes. He was found guilty of eight counts of terrorism-related charges and declared himself an agent of al-Qaeda in 2003. Bush was reelected to the presidency in 2004 and served an additional four years.

So, try to remember this time. We would’ve used the “Too Soon?” tag, but–based on your memory–apparently it isn’t.

| Filed under Profiles in Sadness

Profiles in Sadness: A celebrity couple makes doohickeys

A lot of news crosses The Guys’ desks. Some of it is very important, too important to be made fun of. Most of it is goofy and deserving of our signature brand of highlighting. Then there are the stories we feel bad going into, not because of tragedy, but that some periodical felt they were worth reporting. These are our Profiles in Sadness.

Not *intended* for use as a cock ring.At least 106 news sites wrote about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s latest endeaver/couples’ therapy: a line of serpent-themed jewelry. (Well, at least this hobby keeps a few impoverished children out of West Los Angeles, where they might breathe the overpriviledged Kardashians’ air.)

It took a while, but boy, do we feel for Brad Pitt. Imagine having your name attached to your wife’s quilting or hamster taxidermy. Sure, it might bring a few extra dollars into the house whenever she sells something at a craft show, but at least your name wasn’t used to market them to guys with fight clubs in their basements.

And, of course, there’s the sole reason for these articles: the fans. Our favorite comments come from People Magazine. Remember, if you’re not white trash enough for the Enquirer, keep People in your bathroom.

“I am a big fan of Angelina (Brads not bad either). Reason being is amount of time they spend helping those who can’t help themselves.
Also Angelina; if Brads starts acting up I have your engagement ring on layaway.”

Oh, Michael Gatlin, you scamp! It’s amazing that you haven’t found your own Angelina yet!

“How exciting! I’m glad that Angelina recognizes the power in serpent symbols. In ancient times, serpents were considered wise and powerful, and very protective. I’m excited that they are going to donate all of the proceeds, as well. What a fantastic couple!”

Yes, Patty: Angelina shares your love for writhing disembodied penis symbols.

So, we’d like to thank celebrity rags, mouth-breathing fame worshippers and their bored Hollywood sovereign for all contributing to today’s Profile in Sadness.