On Monday, McBournie did us all a solid and didn’t write about the Breaking Bad finale. Today, I’m avoiding the other topic everyone else has written about: the government shutdown. Why? What’s there left to say, other than the occasional kick in the ass to anyone who still thinks “both sides are bad?”
Instead, let’s consider a happier world, one in which your dad might be Frank Sinatra. According to today’s celebrity news, it’s likelier than you think. How coo-coo-crazy is that?
While we comment on a lot of pressing news stories every day, you might have noticed that we’ve conspicuously avoided one recent major story. As comedy writers, we often cross the boundaries of good taste to joke about taboo or sensitive topics. But, in this particular story’s case, emotions have been way too high for even our usual brand of snark.
That said, The Guys feel it’s been long enough for us to comment on Ben Affleck as Batman. And, by that, we mean to make fun of how much his wife really likes being with Batman. (Emphasis ours below.)
‘I was excited for him,’ Garner told MTV News. ‘I was excited because he had a real take on what he wanted to do, and you know, I have to say, my husband is a pretty great storyteller himself, and I’m excited to watch him do it.’
At this point, we’re certain Ms. Garner is just glad that Affleck has a new cowl to rotate into their bedtime routine. Let’s just say it’s been a long time since he was a Daredevil in the sack.
Glenn Beck’s soft, s**ty Web site and Rush Limbaugh each respectively creamed their plus-sized panties over Ashton Kutcher’s acceptance speech at the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards on Sunday. While receiving the award for Ultimate Choice, he explained to the audience of excited preteens and bored, tired parents that, “I believe that opportunity looks a lot like hard work,” and not to bemoan working s**ty jobs because “opportunities look a lot like work.”
Limbaugh dedicated an entire hour of his radio show (brought to you by …?) to the speech, explaining that, while Kutcher is a California Democrat — the most dangerous kind! — these are the kind of statements you won’t hear “from presidential or political leadership” — even though this was the very thesis of Obama’s book, Dreams from my Father, a book that El Rushbo and the like have claimed to read since 2008.
Roger Ebert famously hated the 1994 Rob Reiner movie, North. He hated it so much that, shortly after he died, his review became the prime example of how much movies affected him. How much did he hate it?
I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.
Yeah, who would ever believe that a kid would ever sue for emancipation from parents who named him North? To suggest that this would ever happen would be the most “contrived, artificial” plot ever devised for a movie. No parents are that stupid, right, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian?
Most people aren’t willing to enumerate the positives to people dying. They’re even less willing to do it in writing and publish it on the world’s most preeminent web sites because of how likely you will offend someone who knows someone who just died. I mean, the odds aren’t good: according to some random ass Internet search, 1.8 people die from death every second, so at least one of their relatives will likely stumble upon this article when Googling “inverted nipples” or “how to kill your parents.”
Fortunately, as the author of both those articles, I am not most people.
And that’s why I’m also willing to raise the stakes to explain why it’s good that the world’s most beloved/reviled song-singer is dead. And really, why it’s OK to like Michael Jackson again because he’s dead. Continue reading →
Michael Douglas, star of The Guys’ favorite childhood movies — Romancing the Stone and Falling Down — paused his career a few years ago to punch throat cancer right in the balls. Now that it’s in remission, he’s back to acting in a new HBO biopic, Behind the Candelabra, where he plays Liberace making sweet, sweet love to Matt Damon.
And in totally unrelated news, he’d like to remind you that he has sex with women. So much so that he swears that he got his throat cancer by contracting HPV from having oral sex with women. Like, so many women, you guys. And did he mention he’s also married to Catherine Zeta-Jones? C’mon, that’s like a straight man’s Porche. As opposed to his Ferrari, which sits in the garage, never driven except at big public events.
So, to recap: Michael Douglas, back in the acting chair and can play gay, but loves women so much that they almost killed him. That’s some fine PR-ing, Mike.
[Special thanks to Jaime W. for the tip! Uh, we mean link to the story.]
A fan claims to have contracted herpes at a Rihanna concert, but not from your mom. She alleges in a lawsuit that the virus came from a booth that let customers sample her new brand of lipstick, RiRi Woo.
According to her lawsuit, she believes that she came into contact with the virus through a reused sample tube that was improperly sanitized between users.
A spokesperson from MAC cosmetics, the company that makes the lipstick and runs the booth, said that “they take these matters very seriously,” but that, until a ruling is made, it’s also very possible that maybe the plaintiff was born with it.
Good news, everyone! Emotionally blackmailing celebrities still works!
Jake Davidson, who became Internet famous by asking Kate Upton to his high school prom, indeed went with a Sports Illustrated swimsuit/Carl’s Jr. sandwich-eating model. It just wasn’t Kate Upton because she had a scheduling conflict. She sent a replacement, though: Nina Agdal.
(Is it weird to anyone else that there are at least two SI swimsuit models eating Hardee’s food on television?)
Davidson remarked that the date went well, in that they “talked about her modeling, traveling, and where she’s lived.” He also believes that they have “a bunch of stuff in common,” like how neither of them has connected emotionally with any of the girls at his school.
So, there you go: you don’t have to have an incurable fatal disease (noncontagious, of course) to make celebrities feel guilty about turning your highly-publicized promposal down. And celebrities can send a reasonable facsimile in their place because they are not a person who you actually know.
Peter Robbins, the original voice of Charlie Brown, plead guilty to stalking his ex-girlfriend and threatening the plastic surgeon who gave her a set of — in his words — “disappointing” bolt-on titties. Like a true blockhead (which is what his judge called him during sentencing), he turned what was a simple request for his $12,000 back into a dozen phone messages and a threat.
Unfortunately, there are no photos of his ex from the trial, so we cannot confirm how bad the boob job was or if she is, indeed, that little red-haired girl (yes, she has her own Wikipedia page) Robbins kept mentioning to friends.
Robbins voiced Charlie Brown as a child, starting with the first Peanuts special, A Charlie Brown Christmas, in 1966. He exited Charles Schultz’s rapidly escalating cash grab after 1969′s A Boy Named Charlie Brown. After today’s news, we hope that he will star in The Guys’ first movie, Bad Charlie Brown.