Category: Putting the ‘Wood’ in ‘Hollywood’

| Posted in Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood'

Some day her prince will c– no

And now we can't pretend that he's not carrying her to a bed that vibrates.
And now we can’t pretend that he’s not carrying her to a bed that vibrates.

The Guys would like to congratulate Ginnifer Goodwin and Josh Dallas on their recent nuptials.

That said, ew.

To put this in perspective for people who don’t watch evening soap operas about fairy tales and evil cleavage (SFW, we promise), Goodwin and Dallas respectively play Snow White and Prince Charming. While they flirt and kiss a lot on the show, everyone can easily agree that they only had sex once to make a lame “chosen one” character for everyone to obsess over.

But, now that the actors are married and having an actual child, it’s now impossible to not imagine the characters having sex. And that’s just wrong. Nobody wants to imagine Prince Charming “on the job,” especially with Snow White. That’s like imagining Mary Poppins giving supercalifragilisticexpialidocious mouth-hugs to Burt’s extendable chimney sweeper. You can’t unsee that.

Nope. No. No.

| Posted in Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood'

This will only make Coldplay’s music sadder

From her hilariously tone-deaf advice web site to her bordering-on-child-abuse understanding of baby names, Gwyneth Paltrow gets a lot of grief online. The Guys can’t really judge her too harshly when we’ll probably name all of our kids after famous pirates.

But, it doesn’t help her perceived douchiness when she describes what normal people call a “f*cking divorce” as a “conscious uncoupling.”

Although unconscious uncoupling could explain those dreams when your wife wakes up angry at you for something you did in a dream.
Unconscious uncoupling could be a good term for when your wife wakes up angry at you for something you did in a dream.
| Posted in Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood', Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: And this is not about the government shutdown

Mia also couldn't rule out Sammy Davis, Jr. as Ronan's possible dad.
Mia also couldn’t rule out Sammy Davis, Jr. as Ronan’s possible dad.

On Monday, McBournie did us all a solid and didn’t write about the Breaking Bad finale. Today, I’m avoiding the other topic everyone else has written about: the government shutdown. Why? What’s there left to say, other than the occasional kick in the ass to anyone who still thinks “both sides are bad?”

Instead, let’s consider a happier world, one in which your dad might be Frank Sinatra. According to today’s celebrity news, it’s likelier than you think. How coo-coo-crazy is that?

And second prize? It turns out he was Woody Allen all along. Who, yeah, is not the most likeable guy in the world, but it’s a free pass to tell Jewish jokesContinue reading

| Posted in Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood'

The Batman she deserves, but not the one she needs

Let's just say that there could be anyone under that mask.
Let’s just say that there could be anyone under that mask.

While we comment on a lot of pressing news stories every day, you might have noticed that we’ve conspicuously avoided one recent major story. As comedy writers, we often cross the boundaries of good taste to joke about taboo or sensitive topics. But, in this particular story’s case, emotions have been way too high for even our usual brand of snark.

That said, The Guys feel it’s been long enough for us to comment on Ben Affleck as Batman. And, by that, we mean to make fun of how much his wife really likes being with Batman. (Emphasis ours below.)

‘I was excited for him,’ Garner told MTV News. ‘I was excited because he had a real take on what he wanted to do, and you know, I have to say, my husband is a pretty great storyteller himself, and I’m excited to watch him do it.’

At this point, we’re certain Ms. Garner is just glad that Affleck has a new cowl to rotate into their bedtime routine. Let’s just say it’s been a long time since he was a Daredevil in the sack.

| Posted in Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood', Scurry (Politics)

♪ Rush loves Ashton! Rush loves Ashton! ♫

Wait a minute ... Actor? Handsome? Known for playing roles with chimp-like Sean William Scott? My god, they've found a new Reagan.
Wait a minute … Actor? Handsome? Known for playing roles with chimp-like Seann William Scott? My god, they’ve found a new Reagan.

Glenn Beck’s soft, s**ty Web site and Rush Limbaugh each respectively creamed their plus-sized panties over Ashton Kutcher’s acceptance speech at the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards on Sunday. While receiving the award for Ultimate Choice, he explained to the audience of excited preteens and bored, tired parents that, “I believe that opportunity looks a lot like hard work,” and not to bemoan working s**ty jobs because “opportunities look a lot like work.”

Limbaugh dedicated an entire hour of his radio show (brought to you by …?) to the speech, explaining that, while Kutcher is a California Democrat — the most dangerous kind! — these are the kind of statements you won’t hear “from presidential or political leadership” — even though this was the very thesis of Obama’s book, Dreams from my Father, a book that El Rushbo and the like have claimed to read since 2008.

That’s not Rush’s and Beck’s fault, though. They just can’t hear you unless you’re a white male who overcame adversity by transitioning from modeling into acting.

| Posted in Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood'

Amanda of steel

Amanda Bynes, otherwise known as Lindsay Lohan-lite, has taken to Twitter to let people know that she is a hero for surviving her life with webbing between her eyes.

The Guys have several descriptions for Bynes as well, though none of which are hero, and ours rhymes with “more” and “crazy-mass hitch.”

| Posted in Facepalm, Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood'

2013: Rob Reiner is a g**damn prophet, Roger Ebert spins on

In the 2024 remake, a girl named North looks for parents who aren't reality stars.
In the 2024 remake, a girl named North looks for parents who aren’t reality stars.

Roger Ebert famously hated the 1994 Rob Reiner movie, North. He hated it so much that, shortly after he died, his review became the prime example of how much movies affected him. How much did he hate it?

I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.

Yeah, who would ever believe that a kid would ever sue for emancipation from parents who named him North? To suggest that this would ever happen would be the most “contrived, artificial” plot ever devised for a movie. No parents are that stupid, right, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian?

| Posted in Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood', Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: Michael Jackson is safe again

Technically, we always preferred to think of him this way.
Technically, we always preferred to think of him this way.

Most people aren’t willing to enumerate the positives to people dying. They’re even less willing to do it in writing and publish it on the world’s most preeminent web sites because of how likely you will offend someone who knows someone who just died. I mean, the odds aren’t good: according to some random ass Internet search, 1.8 people die from death every second, so at least one of their relatives will likely stumble upon this article when Googling “inverted nipples” or “how to kill your parents.”

Fortunately, as the author of both those articles, I am not most people.

And that’s why I’m also willing to raise the stakes to explain why it’s good that the world’s most beloved/reviled song-singer is dead. And really, why it’s OK to like Michael Jackson again because he’s dead. Continue reading

| Posted in Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood', Sex Sells

Behind the Candlelabia Majora

"You know how I made these, right? Sex with my wife. With ejaculation and everything."
“You know how I made these, right? Sex with my wife. With ejaculation and everything.”

Michael Douglas, star of The Guys’ favorite childhood movies — Romancing the Stone and Falling Down — paused his career a few years ago to punch throat cancer right in the balls. Now that it’s in remission, he’s back to acting in a new HBO biopic, Behind the Candelabra, where he plays Liberace making sweet, sweet love to Matt Damon.

And in totally unrelated news, he’d like to remind you that he has sex with women. So much so that he swears that he got his throat cancer by contracting HPV from having oral sex with women. Like, so many women, you guys. And did he mention he’s also married to Catherine Zeta-Jones? C’mon, that’s like a straight man’s Porche. As opposed to his Ferrari, which sits in the garage, never driven except at big public events.

So, to recap: Michael Douglas, back in the acting chair and can play gay, but loves women so much that they almost killed him. That’s some fine PR-ing, Mike.

[Special thanks to Jaime W. for the tip! Uh, we mean link to the story.]