Category: Putting the ‘Wood’ in ‘Hollywood’

| Posted in Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood'

Rod Stewart’s fans are old

"If you want this body, and you think I'm sexy, let me know by bleeding all over your shirt."
“If you want this body, and you think I’m sexy, let me know by bleeding all over your shirt.”

Let’s say you’re a famous singer from the 1970s, and you’re fortunate enough to keep up a following today. What can we assume about your audience?

  1. Whereas life expectancy has risen over the proceeding decades, quality of that extended life has not.
  2. Your audience consists of people who get a thrill from raspy love ballads about sail boats.

Therefore, your audience is old, frail and presumably not amped up for sports. You should probably stop bludgeoning them in the face with kicked soccer balls, Rod.

| Posted in Facepalm, Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood'

Gwyneth Paltrow even makes Judaism insufferable

“I am the original Jewish mother. I make meals from these new recipes that look, smell and taste like the food I always cooked, but are also super healthy. That is an additional joy.” -- Gwyneth Paltrow, ::eyeroll:: who thinks that Jewish mothers serve whatever the hell she calls food.
I am the original Jewish mother. I make meals from these new recipes that look, smell and taste like the food I always cooked, but are also super healthy. That is an additional joy. — Gwyneth Paltrow, ::eyeroll:: who thinks that Jewish mothers are people who serve whatever the hell she calls food.

As concerned professional Internet users, The Guys believe it is time for the U.S. Surgeon General to issue an eye movement hazard warning about Gwyneth Paltrow. There is literally nothing she can do that doesn’t elicit an immediate severe rolling of the eyes.

Married the lead singer of Coldplay?

::eyeroll:: Of course she did.

Divorced him in the New Age-iest, most self-actualizingly aggravating way possible?

::eyeroll:: Yep.

And now: converting to Judaism because she found out “that her father was descended from a Russian rabbinical dynasty” and saying, “Like, 17 generations of rabbis — you see, I really am a Jewish princess!”

::eyeroll:: Oy vey.

We see no signs of Paltrow’s agonizingly near-earnest, yet demonstrably tone-deaf behavior abating any time soon. If the Surgeon General doesn’t post a warning on her forehead soon, then our own staff doctor will do it for him.


Edit: Special thanks to Robyn G. for correcting what had been the punk spelling of “oy.”

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood'

It’s official: Zack Snyder is the anti-Whedon

So alike, yet officially set to destroy one another for (hopefully) our entertainment.
So alike, yet officially set to destroy one another for (hopefully) our entertainment.

Warner Bros. confirmed just what we all sort of suspected: that, in a universe of positive and negative energy, good and evil, Winslows and Tanners, there is also a wang to Joss Whedon, and his name is Zack Snyder. Which is why Snyder will direct the upcoming Justice League film that WB and DC hopes will compete with Marvel’s Avengers.

For years, nerd scientists had wondered if the two directors are merely part of the same directing family or if they are the exact matter/anti-matter versions of each other. For instance, Joss Whedon writes strong female characters and then beats them up, whereas Zack Snyder writes strong female characters and rapes the sh*t out of them. (All of them.) So, it’s been kind of a judgement call as to whether one is really better than the other or just not as bad.

But, now that the two are officially squaring off against each other in comic book movie adaptations, we will finally observe the two at odds with each other.

 

| Posted in Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood'

Some day her prince will c– no

And now we can't pretend that he's not carrying her to a bed that vibrates.
And now we can’t pretend that he’s not carrying her to a bed that vibrates.

The Guys would like to congratulate Ginnifer Goodwin and Josh Dallas on their recent nuptials.

That said, ew.

To put this in perspective for people who don’t watch evening soap operas about fairy tales and evil cleavage (SFW, we promise), Goodwin and Dallas respectively play Snow White and Prince Charming. While they flirt and kiss a lot on the show, everyone can easily agree that they only had sex once to make a lame “chosen one” character for everyone to obsess over.

But, now that the actors are married and having an actual child, it’s now impossible to not imagine the characters having sex. And that’s just wrong. Nobody wants to imagine Prince Charming “on the job,” especially with Snow White. That’s like imagining Mary Poppins giving supercalifragilisticexpialidocious mouth-hugs to Burt’s extendable chimney sweeper. You can’t unsee that.

Nope. No. No.

| Posted in Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood'

This will only make Coldplay’s music sadder

From her hilariously tone-deaf advice web site to her bordering-on-child-abuse understanding of baby names, Gwyneth Paltrow gets a lot of grief online. The Guys can’t really judge her too harshly when we’ll probably name all of our kids after famous pirates.

But, it doesn’t help her perceived douchiness when she describes what normal people call a “f*cking divorce” as a “conscious uncoupling.”

Although unconscious uncoupling could explain those dreams when your wife wakes up angry at you for something you did in a dream.
Unconscious uncoupling could be a good term for when your wife wakes up angry at you for something you did in a dream.
| Posted in Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood', Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: And this is not about the government shutdown

Mia also couldn't rule out Sammy Davis, Jr. as Ronan's possible dad.
Mia also couldn’t rule out Sammy Davis, Jr. as Ronan’s possible dad.

On Monday, McBournie did us all a solid and didn’t write about the Breaking Bad finale. Today, I’m avoiding the other topic everyone else has written about: the government shutdown. Why? What’s there left to say, other than the occasional kick in the ass to anyone who still thinks “both sides are bad?”

Instead, let’s consider a happier world, one in which your dad might be Frank Sinatra. According to today’s celebrity news, it’s likelier than you think. How coo-coo-crazy is that?

And second prize? It turns out he was Woody Allen all along. Who, yeah, is not the most likeable guy in the world, but it’s a free pass to tell Jewish jokesContinue reading

| Posted in Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood'

The Batman she deserves, but not the one she needs

Let's just say that there could be anyone under that mask.
Let’s just say that there could be anyone under that mask.

While we comment on a lot of pressing news stories every day, you might have noticed that we’ve conspicuously avoided one recent major story. As comedy writers, we often cross the boundaries of good taste to joke about taboo or sensitive topics. But, in this particular story’s case, emotions have been way too high for even our usual brand of snark.

That said, The Guys feel it’s been long enough for us to comment on Ben Affleck as Batman. And, by that, we mean to make fun of how much his wife really likes being with Batman. (Emphasis ours below.)

‘I was excited for him,’ Garner told MTV News. ‘I was excited because he had a real take on what he wanted to do, and you know, I have to say, my husband is a pretty great storyteller himself, and I’m excited to watch him do it.’

At this point, we’re certain Ms. Garner is just glad that Affleck has a new cowl to rotate into their bedtime routine. Let’s just say it’s been a long time since he was a Daredevil in the sack.

| Posted in Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood', Scurry (Politics)

♪ Rush loves Ashton! Rush loves Ashton! ♫

Wait a minute ... Actor? Handsome? Known for playing roles with chimp-like Sean William Scott? My god, they've found a new Reagan.
Wait a minute … Actor? Handsome? Known for playing roles with chimp-like Seann William Scott? My god, they’ve found a new Reagan.

Glenn Beck’s soft, s**ty Web site and Rush Limbaugh each respectively creamed their plus-sized panties over Ashton Kutcher’s acceptance speech at the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards on Sunday. While receiving the award for Ultimate Choice, he explained to the audience of excited preteens and bored, tired parents that, “I believe that opportunity looks a lot like hard work,” and not to bemoan working s**ty jobs because “opportunities look a lot like work.”

Limbaugh dedicated an entire hour of his radio show (brought to you by …?) to the speech, explaining that, while Kutcher is a California Democrat — the most dangerous kind! — these are the kind of statements you won’t hear “from presidential or political leadership” — even though this was the very thesis of Obama’s book, Dreams from my Father, a book that El Rushbo and the like have claimed to read since 2008.

That’s not Rush’s and Beck’s fault, though. They just can’t hear you unless you’re a white male who overcame adversity by transitioning from modeling into acting.

| Posted in Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood'

Amanda of steel

Amanda Bynes, otherwise known as Lindsay Lohan-lite, has taken to Twitter to let people know that she is a hero for surviving her life with webbing between her eyes.

The Guys have several descriptions for Bynes as well, though none of which are hero, and ours rhymes with “more” and “crazy-mass hitch.”