Category: Putting the ‘Wood’ in ‘Hollywood’

Iran does not like them apples, Ben

Director Ben Affleck was unable to sneak Argo past Iranian government and film critics despite growing a beard and eschewing a tie.
Director Ben Affleck was unable to sneak Argo past Iranian government officials and film critics despite growing a beard and eschewing a tie.

Iranian cultural officials and movie critics have taken umbrage over Argo winning the Academy Award for Best Picture. (Get in line behind Stephen Spielberg, Kathryn Bigelow, Ang Lee and Quentin Tarantino, guys.)

Meeting at a conference called “The Hoax of Hollywood,” they screened the film and tried to figure out who they can sue for what they call pro-CIA, anti-Iran propaganda. According to reports, they’ve even approached a lawyer, Isabelle Coutant-Peyre, who previously represented Carlos the Jackal, presumably in his lawsuit against being caught by Richard Gere in The Jackal.

This is not the first time Iran has taken umbrage with an American movie. They also objected to The Wrestler,  300 and Not Without My Daughter. Well, say what you will about Mickey Rourke and Gerard Butler, but not liking Sally Field? Iran, you clearly don’t know the first thing about the Academy Awards.

Two fewer reasons to watch the Grammys this year

Chris Brown, who was nominated yet again this year, plans to beat up anybody who tells him to button his shirt. (So long as they're a woman or gay, of course.)
Chris Brown, who was nominated yet again this year, plans to beat up anybody who tells him to button his shirt. (So long as they’re a woman or gay, of course.)

For those who plan to watch the 55th Annual  Grammy Awards, but worry about how the artists being honored on it will offend your sensibilities, don’t you fret: CBS has got this s**t covered. And by s**t, we mean “buttock crack” and “female breast nipples.”

The broadcasting company distributed a memo to all invited attendees, advising them to keep their “buttocks and female breasts […] adequately covered.” This is best accomplished by eschewing “thong-type dresses” and outfits with “bare sides or under curvature of the breasts.” (We’re still talking about female breasts, right? Can Diddy still wear a plunging neckline?)

Viewers will have to settle for being offended by whatever the attendees say in acceptance speeches and the lyrics of their songs, instead. You know, because music is terrible now, but god forbid you find something better to watch than an awards show.

Half man! Half man! Half man!*

*As an apology for writing about Two and a Half Men, the Guys have used a line from a far superior show to try to make up for it. Sorry.

Chuck Lorre, creator of Two and a Half Men, The Big Bang Theory and Lawyer Porks the Granola Out of Some Hippie Chick

Angus T. Jones, the “half” in Two and a Half Men since he was 10 years old, has turned 19 and realized what most people do as they mature: that his show is garbage. Its scripts are generally what 1 Corinthians describes as speaking, thinking and reasoning as a child, which Angus — reaching the age of manhood — has decided to put away. Meanwhile, showrunner Chuck Lorre will continue to write exactly like this, whether on this show or in the six-season-long wedgie he’s been giving to nerds on The Big Bang Theory.

If Jones is legit, then godspeed. If he’s merely pulling a fake Kirk Cameron because even Charlie Sheen and Ashton Kutcher couldn’t destroy Two and a Half Men, then may his contract be short and found non-binding.

Jack did not die in vain?

James Cameron — who most recently made us all feel better about ourselves by being aware of the plight of Native Nav’i — has finally heard our complaint about Titanic. No, not why Rose didn’t marry that cool Billy Zane guy after Jack died. That Jack died at all when there was clearly room on that raft for two.

In a recent interview with IGN, Cameron says it’s not an issue of room, but of buoyancy. The video in the link is where he justifies casting Kate Winslet despite her being “Hollywood fat.”

We’ll see what Mythbusters has to say, James. But, The Guys still maintain that an aristocrat pocketing a giant blue diamond when weight is an issue and a poor Irish guy is drowning and freezing … this is the very definition of class warfare.

The most dangerous dame

When it comes to Emma Watson and the Internet, no good has ever come of it. Before she turned 18, her image launched a thousand Chris Hanson and Pedobear memes. Then, when the Harry Potter movies were nearly over, she nearly broke the Internet by considering doing nude scenes aloud. And now, Emma Watson will give your computer JPEGorrhea.

Miss Watson, to those who are very respectful or merely nasty, has dethroned Heidi Klum as 2012’s most dangerous celebrity to search online. Computer security technology company, McAfee warns that “fans who query ‘Emma Watson and nude pictures’ or ‘Emma Watson and busted’ run a 1-in-8 chance of landing on a site that has tested positive for viruses and other malicious software.”

Miss Klum, who did not even make the Top 10 this year, will surrender her tiara and sash to Watson in the official ceremony, which takes place Wednesday at 7 pm EST in a file that will melt your hard drive and send political rants to all of your Facebook friends.

The end times are nigh

It was a fun run and all, but it’s time for the world to end. Avril Lavigne has been chosen as the vessel for Chad Kroeger’s seed, and their resulting offspring, the Beast, shall trumpet forth the end times with a song so mediocre that the rivers shall turn red with blood, the dead shall rise and four horsemen representing death, pestilence, famine and war shall ride in to end it.

So, it turns out Canada has a role to play in history after all.

Evan’s 10-year-old friends agree: Jenny McCarthy is the best. Mom. Ever.

Her battle with vaccinations over, Jenny McCarthy has returned to the only thing she’s been good at: posing nude for Playboy. The 39-year-old says that she “doesn’t have any qualms about posing nude even though she’s a mom to 10-year-old Evan,” to which Evan’s 10-year-old friends readily agreed.

Kelso to run for ‘Handsomest Boy in Space’

The latest space-borne threat to the U.S. is nearly upon us: Hollywood Space Madness.

Ashton Kutcher has been approved for space travel on Richard Branson’s first spacecraft, Virgin Galactic. Does Sir Richard not understand the implication of sending a young actor into space, bombarding him with gamma rays and sending him back home to his studio?

We’re talking Joaquin Phoenix times 100 here, people. There aren’t enough late night talk shows to handle that insanity, Craigy Ferguson’s Scottishness notwithstanding.