Category: Putting the ‘Wood’ in ‘Hollywood’

| Posted in Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood'

Good grief!

Robbins will receive court-ordered mental health therapy in lieu of jail time ... but he'd probably enjoy his time better behind bars.
Robbins will receive court-ordered mental health therapy in lieu of jail time … but he’d probably enjoy his time better behind bars.

Peter Robbins, the original voice of Charlie Brown, plead guilty to stalking his ex-girlfriend and threatening the plastic surgeon who gave her a set of — in his words — “disappointing” bolt-on titties. Like a true blockhead (which is what his judge called him during sentencing), he turned what was a simple request for his $12,000 back into a dozen phone messages and a threat.

Unfortunately, there are no photos of his ex from the trial, so we cannot confirm how bad the boob job was or if she is, indeed, that little red-haired girl (yes, she has her own Wikipedia page) Robbins kept mentioning to friends.

Robbins voiced Charlie Brown as a child, starting with the first Peanuts special, A Charlie Brown Christmas, in 1966. He exited Charles Schultz’s rapidly escalating cash grab after 1969′s A Boy Named Charlie Brown. After today’s news, we hope that he will star in The Guys’ first movie, Bad Charlie Brown.

| Posted in Picture of the Day, Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood', Too Soon?

An adorkable conspiracy

"Police are looking door-to-door for Dho ... Dz ... Mr. Tsarn ... Zooey Deschanel for his role in the Boston Marathon bombing. If you see Mr. Deschanel, contact authorities immediately and do not look him in his dorky thick-rimmed glasses."
“Police are looking door-to-door for Dho … Dz … Mr. Tsarn … Zooey Deschanel for his role in the Boston Marathon bombing. We believe Mr. Deschanelmay may attempt to disguise his face with bangs and thick-rimmed glasses.”

Dallas-Fort Worth’s Fox 4 News and Caption Solutions, their provider of closed captioning, have walked back their claim that Zooey Deschanel was responsible for the Boston Marathon bombing.

During their coverage of the manhunt for Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the closed captions reported that police were searching Watertown, Mass. for 19-year-old Zooey Deschanel. But, it turns out it was all an error and that they really meant the younger Tsarnaev brother, and not that there’s a quirky third suspect still on the loose, free to order tomato soup from restaurants that allegedly do that.

Or is that just what they want us to think? We’re through the looking glass here, people.

| Posted in Facepalm, Picture of the Day, Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood'

Justin Bieber puts the Holocaust into perspective

"This next song goes out to a girl who couldn't be here to see me today, which is the greatest tragedy of all," said the history's most important singer.
“This next song goes out to a girl who couldn’t be here to see me today, which is the greatest tragedy of all,” said history’s most important singer.

Most people who visit the house in which Anne Frank hid from the Nazis and wrote the world’s most stolen diary (Seriously, people. It had a lock and everything.) are emotionally moved to connect an actual location to a book that resonated with them and the world’s most horrendous atrocity.

Justin Bieber, however, is not most people. He wrote in the guest book:

Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.

Critics have been quick to jump on the Biebs, but not this blog. We agree wholeheartedly with Justin that the worst part about the Holocaust is that it deprived the world of an 84-year-old “belieber.”

| Posted in Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood'

Iran does not like them apples, Ben

Director Ben Affleck was unable to sneak Argo past Iranian government and film critics despite growing a beard and eschewing a tie.
Director Ben Affleck was unable to sneak Argo past Iranian government officials and film critics despite growing a beard and eschewing a tie.

Iranian cultural officials and movie critics have taken umbrage over Argo winning the Academy Award for Best Picture. (Get in line behind Stephen Spielberg, Kathryn Bigelow, Ang Lee and Quentin Tarantino, guys.)

Meeting at a conference called “The Hoax of Hollywood,” they screened the film and tried to figure out who they can sue for what they call pro-CIA, anti-Iran propaganda. According to reports, they’ve even approached a lawyer, Isabelle Coutant-Peyre, who previously represented Carlos the Jackal, presumably in his lawsuit against being caught by Richard Gere in The Jackal.

This is not the first time Iran has taken umbrage with an American movie. They also objected to The Wrestler,  300 and Not Without My Daughter. Well, say what you will about Mickey Rourke and Gerard Butler, but not liking Sally Field? Iran, you clearly don’t know the first thing about the Academy Awards.

| Posted in Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood', Sex Sells

Two fewer reasons to watch the Grammys this year

Chris Brown, who was nominated yet again this year, plans to beat up anybody who tells him to button his shirt. (So long as they're a woman or gay, of course.)
Chris Brown, who was nominated yet again this year, plans to beat up anybody who tells him to button his shirt. (So long as they’re a woman or gay, of course.)

For those who plan to watch the 55th Annual  Grammy Awards, but worry about how the artists being honored on it will offend your sensibilities, don’t you fret: CBS has got this s**t covered. And by s**t, we mean “buttock crack” and “female breast nipples.”

The broadcasting company distributed a memo to all invited attendees, advising them to keep their “buttocks and female breasts [...] adequately covered.” This is best accomplished by eschewing “thong-type dresses” and outfits with “bare sides or under curvature of the breasts.” (We’re still talking about female breasts, right? Can Diddy still wear a plunging neckline?)

Viewers will have to settle for being offended by whatever the attendees say in acceptance speeches and the lyrics of their songs, instead. You know, because music is terrible now, but god forbid you find something better to watch than an awards show.

| Posted in Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood'

Half man! Half man! Half man!*

*As an apology for writing about Two and a Half Men, the Guys have used a line from a far superior show to try to make up for it. Sorry.

Chuck Lorre, creator of Two and a Half Men, The Big Bang Theory and Lawyer Porks the Granola Out of Some Hippie Chick

Angus T. Jones, the “half” in Two and a Half Men since he was 10 years old, has turned 19 and realized what most people do as they mature: that his show is garbage. Its scripts are generally what 1 Corinthians describes as speaking, thinking and reasoning as a child, which Angus — reaching the age of manhood — has decided to put away. Meanwhile, showrunner Chuck Lorre will continue to write exactly like this, whether on this show or in the six-season-long wedgie he’s been giving to nerds on The Big Bang Theory.

If Jones is legit, then godspeed. If he’s merely pulling a fake Kirk Cameron because even Charlie Sheen and Ashton Kutcher couldn’t destroy Two and a Half Men, then may his contract be short and found non-binding.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood'

Jack did not die in vain?

James Cameron — who most recently made us all feel better about ourselves by being aware of the plight of Native Nav’i — has finally heard our complaint about Titanic. No, not why Rose didn’t marry that cool Billy Zane guy after Jack died. That Jack died at all when there was clearly room on that raft for two.

In a recent interview with IGN, Cameron says it’s not an issue of room, but of buoyancy. The video in the link is where he justifies casting Kate Winslet despite her being “Hollywood fat.”

We’ll see what Mythbusters has to say, James. But, The Guys still maintain that an aristocrat pocketing a giant blue diamond when weight is an issue and a poor Irish guy is drowning and freezing … this is the very definition of class warfare.

| Posted in Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood'

The most dangerous dame

When it comes to Emma Watson and the Internet, no good has ever come of it. Before she turned 18, her image launched a thousand Chris Hanson and Pedobear memes. Then, when the Harry Potter movies were nearly over, she nearly broke the Internet by considering doing nude scenes aloud. And now, Emma Watson will give your computer JPEGorrhea.

Miss Watson, to those who are very respectful or merely nasty, has dethroned Heidi Klum as 2012′s most dangerous celebrity to search online. Computer security technology company, McAfee warns that “fans who query ‘Emma Watson and nude pictures’ or ‘Emma Watson and busted’ run a 1-in-8 chance of landing on a site that has tested positive for viruses and other malicious software.”

Miss Klum, who did not even make the Top 10 this year, will surrender her tiara and sash to Watson in the official ceremony, which takes place Wednesday at 7 pm EST in a file that will melt your hard drive and send political rants to all of your Facebook friends.