Oh the Douglases, can’t go a year without going to court or making a crappy sequel.
Category: Putting the ‘Wood’ in ‘Hollywood’
Do immortals walk amongst us?
No, of course not. Don’t be silly.
They only fly First Class, and it costs $20 to see them in 3D.
According to the leader in news, eBay, photographic evidence of immortality — or at least Biblically-long life — and, well, you’re not going to like who it is. One is being sold of John Travolta, and another is of Nicolas Cage. (The Nic Cage photo auction is no longer active.)
In each case, the poster suggested some outlandish story about the two being time travelers or vampires, but let’s not get crazy here. First of all, you can’t take a picture of a vampire because their pale skin and oily hair reflect the flash back into the aperture. And a time traveler? Please. No self-respecting time traveler would pay the big bucks to develop it when there are perfectly good photo fun centers at amusement parks.
No, sometimes people just won’t die, no matter how many terrible movies they make.
Dude, where’s my pilgrim?
Want your tech advice from pilgrims? Apparently Kelso does.
Say my name
Great news, everyone! You know how Hollywood keeps making reboots of or sequels ruining your favorite movies from your childhood? Get ready for some more.
They are reportedly working on a second Beetlejuice film, because let’s face it, Michael Keaton has a bit of space available in his schedule. There are pretty much no details, except that it won’t be a reboot.
We’re still waiting for another live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Ms. Jackson, if you’re criminally nasty
SeriouslyGuys would like to wish a very maudlin birthday to the corpse consisting of Michael Jackson, Dow Chemical and Hasbro, makers of Mr. Potato Head. The unholy amalgamation of burn scars and poor self-image resulting from years of exploitation and abuse as a child would have been 53 years old today.
Mr. Jackson is survived by his legendary records, famous dance moves and Weird Al Yankovic.
Faith in Barbie
Nothing solidifies your status as “country” quiite like having your own Barbie dolls. Just ask Faith Hill and Tim McGraw. The two come in a set that will retail out at about $69.99, and apparently is just what the couple wanted to look like … in doll form.
C-c-c-c-c-coffee face
Ladies and gentlemen, your favorite … Lady, will be releasing a new coffee table book just in time for Christmas. That’s right folks, Lady Gaga will be joining your coffee and crumbcake.
What’s the name of this joe? It’s alright, just drink.
May he fingerbang our daughters’ hearts forever
It’s Friday, which means only one thing: news from Tinseltown! For those of you who didn’t lose your virginity in a depression (and recessions don’t count), we mean Hollywood: land of dreams and stained casting couches, home of the neediest waiters and baristas in the world!
Did your parents ever explain to you where Hollywood leading men come from? They’re made, just like mafia dons! For instance: Mark Wahlberg and Leonardo DiCaprio made Taylor Lautner yesterday, just as Tom Selleck and John Stamos once did to them back in the ’90s. And they received their nods from Burt Reynolds and Henry Winkler and so on and so forth, et cetera, et cetera.
Let’s hear it for Taylor Lautner! May his abs never congeal into a gunt, his face never wrinkle or develop jowls and his career never end as an Old Spice spokesperson!
You may now return to your dumpster-diving, and thanks for reading this on stolen Starbucks wifi.