Category: Regular Post

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Charlie Sheen’s trash washes onto L.A. beach

This is the worst actor-related environmental disaster since Steve Buscemi's Atlantic City spill in the 1920s.
This is the worst actor-related environmental disaster since Steve Buscemi’s Atlantic City spill in the 1920s.

The Los Angeles County Public Health Department shut down Dockweiler State Beach after hypodermic needles, tampon applicators and condoms washed ashore, accompanied by a bacteria levels exceeding state standards.

At this time, health officials stated that what suspiciously looks like the afterbirth of Charlie Sheen winning was caused by a storm hitting a waste treatment center, but that’s probably only to avoid a lawsuit or bite from the former star of that part in Ferris Bueller. They would also not confirm the elements of Angus T. Jones in the tide of medical waste, but the water goes great with tiger’s blood and pornographic actresses.

But, seriously, though: we’d trade any of that guy’s given Tuesday nights for one of our Saturdays. It would probably be out last Tuesday on Earth, but nevertheless.

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Man gets free sample of knuckle sandwich

Old people: they smell funny, they move slowly, they hate technology, and worst of all, they call people out for being jerks. It’s about time their uppance came.

Which is why today we celebrate the actions of Derrick Gharabighi, 24, who punched an old guy in the face. Gharabighi was enjoying multiple samples of Nutella at a Costco in the Los Angeles area, when Sahak Sahakian, 78, came along to ruin his day. The old guy reached for the last Nutella sample, Gharabighi grabbed his hand, and punched him in the eye when he protested.

Because all old people have glass jaws, Sahakian fell like a box of Nutella jars. Sadly, Gharabighi has been charged with elder abuse, further proof that special interest groups like senior citizens run the government.

Thanks, Brooke H.!

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World peace through food comas

Only a mad scientist would try to usher in world peace through the Human Centipede of burgers.
Only a mad scientist would try to usher in world peace through the Human Centipede of burgers.

How far beyond improvement is Burger King’s food? It’s so unsalvageable that they’d rather tackle world peace. But, don’t worry, defense contractors: they’re trying to solve it with their and other fast food restaurants’ sh*tty burgers, so war should remain profitable for a very long time.

Burger King originally planned to partner with McDonald’s to commemorate (read: crassly cross-promote) the UN’s Peace Day. But, McDonald’s passed on their McWhopper bid, seeing that, as bad as their own image is these days, they’re still not Burger King. So, Burger King instead partnered with five other restaurants to ironically create the world’s first weaponized hamburger.

Their design combines elements of the Whopper, Denny’s Bacon Slamburger, Krystal’s cheese Krystal, and whatever the f*ck Wayback’s Wayback Classic and Giraffas’ Brutus are. It’s truly the C-list of burger joints grilling the F-grade of meat.

So far, it does not look like anybody will sell this atrocity to the public. Rather than profit from the war crime of food, they’re giving it away to Georgia Tech students. So, if anybody’s looking for the epicenter of the E. coli outbreak that locks the world’s armies in the john, you’re welcome.

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National parks clean up image by banning e-cigs

After banning e-cigarettes, the U.S. Park Service is only "man buns" and "guys with beards who don't own a saw" away from completely barring Leonardo DiCaprio from our national parks.
After banning e-cigarettes, the U.S. Park Service is only “man buns” and “guys with beards who don’t own a saw” away from completely barring Leonardo DiCaprio from our national parks.

The U.S. National Park Service banned e-cigarettes from their filthy, deer-ridden woods and scorpion-befouled sandboxes. It’s not because they pose a fire risk, which is why they originally banned cigarettes, but because, according to National Park Service Director Jonathan Jarvis, the vapor from e-cigarettes poses “health hazards and annoyances” to park employees and visitors.

This is a step in the right direction for our nation’s natural preserves. While, yes, e-cigarettes do help people quit smoking, it still looks like they’re auditioning for a Svedka ad. And, even if they quit smoking actual tobacco, they only help them quit looking like an assh*le if they also eventually stop sucking a MacBook’s micropenis. Oh, and there’s no guarantee that they’re any healthier for vapers and the people currently tolerating them.

We can only hope there are similar bans for other annoyances transported to the woods, like the sight of Ed Hardy designs and hearing folksy pop ballads performed by girls who sound like gentrified Eartha Kitt after being devastated by a Twitter unfollow. Or at the very least, we can train bears to crave the smell of Axe.

However, this raises one question for The Guys: where the hell did vapers find a USB charger out in Yellowstone?

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San Francisco will host Super Bowel

The NFL season is almost here, and unless you’re a Washington Redskins fan, your team has a chance of going all the way this year. But you may not want them to get to the Super Bowl in San Francisco.

The city is in the midst of a poop wave. According to reports, the cool new thing to do in Frisco is public defecation. There’s human crap everywhere in the city, and that problem will only get worse with the influx of football fans when the Super Bowl rolls around. City officials are trying to figure out how to deal with the crap problem.

The Guys would suggest adding more public toilets. You can’t expect all those foodies to enjoy the local restaurants without anticipating the inevitable consequences.

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Brought to you by letters H, B, O and really big numbers

With HBO helping produce Sesame Street, we'll finally see what Oscar's doing with his hands inside that can.
With HBO helping produce Sesame Street, we’ll finally see what Oscar’s been doing with his hands inside that can.

It appears that all of our favorite brands are joining up. Earlier this week, it was Wheaties and craft beer (take that, Beerios!). And now it’s Sesame Street and HBO.

HBO will pay for the next five seasons of Sesame Street. All episodes will still appear on PBS, as they have since 1969, but with the caveat that new episodes will air on HBO nine months before appearing for free on public television. So, for those of you 3- to 5-year-olds with HBO subscriptions: no posting spoilers for nine months, OK? (And Sesame Street book readers? F*ck off, you pretentious turds.)

The money generated from the deal will also allow the Sesame Workshop, which normally produces Sesame Street almost entirely from revenue generated by merchandise sales, to develop two new spin-off projects, meaning — yay! — more Sesame Street. However, with HBO’s production values, they’ll most likely feature topless Muppets in Northern Ireland.

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… Yeah, but have you read Hamlet on weed?

You can't unsee his stoned expression now. Or his earring.
You can’t unsee his stoned expression now. Or his earring.

William Shakespeare has been busted for possession of paraphernalia containing residue of cannabis and cocaine. South African researches found the evidence of drug use in “tobacco” residue from pipes in his home. This could help explain why his work got much more chill and arty after Titus Andronicus.

Of course, not everyone’s on board with Shakespeare using the same substances as the Hollywood directors that adapt his works. The curator of the Shakespeare Birthplace Trust museum, Ann Donnelly, noted that “people love to come up with reasons for saying Shakespeare was not a genius. I don’t think there’s any proof that he was helped in any way by taking narcotic substances.”

It’s probably worth mentioning that the pipes were loaned to the South African team by the Shakespeare Birthplace Trust. So, if that pot isn’t Shakespeare’s, then Ms. Donnelly has some explaining to do. (But, seriously, who could resist packing the Bard’s bowl?)

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Cool shirt, what does it say?

We all know someone who thought it was cool to get a tattoo with some Asian symbols, trusting the dude with the needle that they meant “courage” or “love.” They didn’t really care, because it just looked cool. Turns out, the same thing goes for English phrases in Asia.

Apparently, some kids in Asia like to wear clothing with English phrases on them, even though they have no idea what they mean. And because the clothing industry is responsible, they feature fairly bland statements. Kidding! They say things like “I am a whore” and “I ♥ BJ.”

Just in time for back-to-school shopping.

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Third world gets a leg up in Olympic swimming events in Rio 2016

"No! No! No no no nononononooooo!"
“No! No! No no no nonononon–” ::splash::

Speaking of fecal sports, it looks like our swimming athletes will get more than a mouthful at the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. According to an Associated Press investigation, the water in Rio’s brimming with “1.7 million times the level of [fecal-bourne viruses that] would be considered hazardous on a Southern California beach.”

Kristina Mena, a U.S. expert in risk assessment for waterborne viruses, examined the AP data and estimated that international athletes at all water venues would have a 99 percent chance of infection if they ingested just three teaspoons of water — though whether a person will fall ill depends on immunity and other factors.

[Emphasis ours.]

It would take our athletes years to acclimate to those waters, which wouldn’t prevent them from getting sick, but would lessen symptom severity. As it stands, they don’t have enough time to train without chumming their swim lanes — a considerable amount of beefy chum if you’ve ever been to a Texas de Brasil restaurant.

So, congratulations, third-world athletes. You finally found an advantage over first-world water filtration. But, seriously, what a sh*tty way to win.

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Baseball needs more farts

Baseball: The favorite sport of old people and fans of endless amounts of statistics. It’s a slow, monotonous game, which could be part of why no one watches it anymore. But the Miami Marlins may have figured out how to turn it around: play fart noises.

Earlier this week, the Marlins played fart noises during the Washington Nationals’ battling practice before a game. It proved to be such a distraction for the Nats that the brought in their own speakers in an attempt to drown out the farts. The Marlins have denied any wrongdoing, but most people see it as retaliation for the Nationals’ playing soft rock slow jams during their opponents’ batting practice before home games all season long.

How great would it be if there were random fart noises played during the games? Each team could get a certain amount of farts to play during a game, and use them at key moments to throw the other team off.