Category: Regular Post

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Never go flying with Harrison Ford

Lao Che’s plan was pretty solid, in retrospect.

There’s a danger in the skies over Los Angeles, and its name is Harrison Ford.

Nearly two years after a crash landing on a Santa Monica golf course, Harrison Ford is once again endangering the lives of unsuspecting Angelenos. The famed actor has just been cited by the FAA for landing his plane on another non-runway, but at least this time it was an airport. According to authorities, Ford was cleared to land on a runway at John Wayne Airport on Monday, but mistakenly landed on a taxiway instead, nearly hitting a 737 with 116 people on it. Luckily no one was injured.

So the next time you fly, don’t worry about turbulence, worry that Harrison Ford is lurking out there somewhere.

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Brits keep flushing underwear, clogging sewers

Citizens of one town in the U.K. are being politely asked not to flush their underwear down the toilet, or “loo,” after a large pair of granny panties caused a clog in the sewer system.

Here in the U.S., we discard our underwear in the trash, but the Europeans do everything weirder than us. According to authorities, the sewer system in Cheltenham, U.K., suffered from a massive clog, thanks to one woman’s flushed undies. This isn’t an isolated incident. Flushed “knickers” 50,000 blockages in the area’s sewer systems every year.

We understand that with any sizable human population, there are going to be a few cases of soiled undies every year, but tens of thousands? Do the Brits not believe in throwing the evidence in the rubbish bin? Are U.K. toilets just more powerful than their American counterparts?

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The government is tracking your heart

If you have a pacemaker, you probably need to back away from your computer. You also are probably glad that you have a machine that’s keeping your ticker ticking. But did you know that the government is tracking you?

In Ohio, authorities say they charged a man with arson and insurance fraud after examining the data from his pacemaker. Last fall, the 59-year-old man’s house burned down. He told police that as the house was burning, he was able to pack some bags and get them out of the house. Police obtained a warrant for the data on the man’s pacemaker, and a doctor said his heart rate did not match that of a man rushing to pack and carry heavy suitcases.

With that, police said they had enough evidence to say the man packed his suitcases ahead of time, because the fire was no accident.

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Vermont in chaos after maple syrup spill

Our hearts go out to those affected by last night’s horrible tragedy in Vermont last night. We offer our thoughts and prayers as recovery efforts begin.

The northbound lanes of Interstate 91 had to be shut down last night after a barrel of maple syrup fell off a truck and coated the roadway. Authorities say the incident happened just a few miles away from the Canadian border. We don’t know the origin or destination of the cargo, but it seems reasonable to guess that Vermont’s famous maple syrup was being shipped up to Canada.

With incidents like these, it’s a wonder that Canada doesn’t build a wall to keep this kind of danger out.

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Raining money finally makes living in Indiana worth it

Times are tough, there’s no denying that. Everyone could use a little extra cash. In Indianapolis, a some lucky people got just that.

Earlier this week, pedestrians in downtown Indy were pleasantly surprised to see money falling from the sky. A whole lot of $1 bills just rained down on people, and authorities aren’t sure who is behind it. On top of a nearby building, police found several hundred $1 bills scattered across the roof, and many of them were blowing off the rooftop to the streets below. Money wrappers with “Federal Reserve Bank” were also found.

Looks like Trump’s economic plan is working.

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Sean Spicer hates Dippin’ Dots more than the media

“The FDA will be opening an investigation into whether Dippin’ Dots are really ice cream.”

Sean Spicer is now the White House press secretary. You may have seen him yelling at journalists about the size of the president’s genitals recently. We know Spicer hates people who are paid to ethically report things that happen in real life, but he really hates Dippin’ Dots.

For most of this decade, Spicer has waged a one-man war on the self-proclaimed “ice cream of the future.” He first tweeted a broadside at Dippin’ Dots in April 2010, claiming that it is “NOT the ice cream of the future.” He didn’t forget it. Spicer tweeted a similar remark in September 2011, and then in November 2011 cheered and linked to a Wall Street Journal article about Dippin’ Dots filing for bankruptcy protection. Did Dippin’ Dots kill a member of his family or something?

Not one to let an old grudge go, in September 2015 he tweeted at a Washington Nationals game that “If Dippin [sic] Dots was truly the ice cream of the future they would not have run out of vanilla.” Which means that even though he hates the treat, he still went to order it and got turned away, which reminded him of how much he hates it. The man has a complicated relationship with this food.

And what we swear is still something we’re not making up, Dippin’ Dots released an open letter to Spicer yesterday calling for peace.

We understand that ice cream is a serious matter. And running out of your favorite flavor can feel like a national emergency! We’ve seen your tweets and would like to be friends rather than foes. After all, we believe in connecting the dots.

We live in an extraordinary time.

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Adult dogs tired of your sh*t

Establishing a dialogue with your adult dog could lead to conversations about how to safely use the Internet.

Everyone loves puppies. But, adult dogs? That takes a special kind of love, one that can overlook them not being a wiggly, uncoordinated ball of fresh-smelling floof anymore. Well, you may put up with your adult dog, but, brother, the feeling is mutual.

A recent study revealed that, while humans baby-talk both puppies and dogs, only puppies eat that sh*t up. Adult dogs had no interest in condescended to, especially by a recording of someone’s rando furless-mom.

So, in the interest of keeping your relationship with your canine healthy, we recommend talking to them as a peer. Try brushing up on tree smells and the hottest legs. And, if all else fails, ask your dog about their day, not just “who’s a good boy?” You might be surprised what you could learn about your good man or woman.

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When Twinkies go bad

Not only are the White Peppermint Twinkies #basic, but Twinkie the Kid’s scarf game is on. point.

As The Guys get older, we find that life has fewer and fewer certainties every year. Until recently, we assumed that the Golden Globes are less political than the Oscars. That reality television has no bearing on actual reality. That Twinkies will never, ever go bad.

That’s right: Hostess voluntarily recalled Twinkies — the food that is supposed to sustain us during whatever apocalypse is trending right now — for containing salmonella. Of course, we weren’t betrayed directly by Twinkies. They just happened to be made with milk powder that was recalled.

Also, it was only the White Peppermint Hostess Twinkies. So, those Twinkies were already bad and/or #basic.

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Von Miller farts a lot

A locker room is a smelly place, but evidently, a locker room with Von Miller is much, much worse.

The Denver Broncos have a fart tax of $500. If someone smells it, and you dealt it, you’re fined $500. That’s enough to pucker many a butt hole, except for Miller’s. According to reports, he was fined $15,000 during the season for his farts. The fart tax seems to have been applied to only Miller.

In a locker room of over 50 dudes, there’s got to be a lot of farting going on, so the athletes are probably used to it. But Miller’s farts are so bad these guys had to impose a fine on him.

Why is a guy with such a smelly butt the spokesman for Old Spice?

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Facebook reverses decision, says Santa Claus is real

On Christmas Day, Facebook decided to be a Grinch. That’s when the site took away Santa Claus’ Facebook account and demanded proof of identification. In other words, Facebook didn’t believe in Santa.

We should remind you that Santa Claus is a real person. He really, truly, is on the North Pole, Alaska City Council, and he’s no stranger to firing up a funny yule log, being an outspoken supporter of legalizing marijuana. But Facebook didn’t believe in him, and chose Santa’s biggest day of the year to say so. Imagine you have been out delivering presents to all the good girls and boys all night long, only to come home in the morning and find Facebook has deactivated your account.

But the jolly fat guy didn’t let it slow him down. He sent Facebook multiple forms proving his identity, and his account was reactivated just before the New Year.