Surprisingly, they want to form their own state not for libertarian reasons, but environmental. The people are worried about rising sea levels, and don’t think that the state government in Tallahassee (in the armpit, we looked it up), will do anything about it.
If these guys are going to be under water soon, should we really make them their own state?
Do you have an iPhone 6 or 6+? Do you wear skinny jeans? Do you have a bent iPhone? Fear not, intrepid reader, as the scourge that was Bend-Ghazi is no longer a problem for you!
As long as you live in China.
And as long as you work for China Unicom.
A photo going around the internet has raised rumors that the telco has hired an in-house tailor to enlarge pockets so that employees won’t have to worry about their utterly gigantic and morbidly obese phone being subject to the laws of metal being warped because they have to wear fashionable jeans at their place of employment.
If there’s one thing we’ve learned from social media this year, it’s that bullying isn’t cool anymore. And a form of bullying is hazing. It comes as no surprise that those jocks at Ben & Jerry’s are big proponents of picking on the freshmen.
One Vermont family has taken offense to the ice cream flavor “Hazed & Confused,” which has hazelnut in it, because it sounds like an all-out endorsement of hazing. A Ben & Jerry’s spokesman took a break from making interns do the elephant walk to tell reporters that the flavor is named after the movie.
This from the company that brought us the fat-shaming flavor “Chubby Hubby.”
Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Latte has become a bit of a phenomenon. Arguably, it might be the thing that kicked off the “pumpkin-everything” craze that hits September through November for the past 5 years or so. We understand. We enjoy a nice pumpkin flavored beer. If people like the flavoring, like hyperbole, it’s fine in moderation.
But then, a crazy white lady had to do a crazy white person thing and go irrational. Sherry Lynn Gustafson apparently loves the Pumpkin Spice Latte more than her own kidneys, as she proceeded to buy 52 boxes of it from her local Starbucks. Gustafson states these will last her an entire year. Except …
Gustafson plans to buy at least 30 more boxes.
Look forward to this story being updated with “Moline woman’s year of PSL joy hits midnight, turns back into pumpkin and dialysis.”
The colonoscopy is one of the most feared things in a man’s life. It’s possibly more dreaded than death. But there are worse things can happen than the procedure itself.
For example, you can work at the surgery center where your colonoscopy is being done, and wake up wearing pink panties because your coworkers want to mess with you. That’s exactly what happened to one man in Delaware.
Understandably, he is suing for the “severe emotional distress” and loss of wages, though he probably should have waited until Movember to file it.
Clowns are getting a bad name lately, and they’ve had enough of it. The new season of American Horror Story involves a serial killer clown.
It’s just another harmful stereotype being perpetuated on TV, according to the oddly named Clowns of America International. The clown group says that Twisty the Clown does nothing but fan the flames of coulrophobia, or fear of clowns.
Clowns can be creepy by themselves. They don’t need help from Hollywood.
U.S. First Lady Michelle Obama has launched yet another salvo to get Americans to eat a goddamn vegetable, just one, you lazy, unfit pieces of eligible voters. But, rather than suggest something that people have tried and don’t like, she’s trying to mystify meatavores with a new vegetable. The First Lady wants you to “turn-up for a turnip.”
Yes, the turnip. That purplish thing in salads that slides neatly through fork tines and makes up 1/4 of all rats diets in Ruby Tuesday dumpsters.
And of all the vegetables, this was probably the best one for a bumper sticker slogan. Although, who’s to say that the following won’t roll out in the near future?
A tractor-trailer was stolen. Though it’s recently been recovered, sadly, its cargo was found missing from the semi. See, that’s the most puzzling thing about the theft, because its cargo was 18 tons of Crisco.
For those that don’t know, Crisco is a century plus old brand of shortening. Its use has declined because people have discovered that using it falls squarely in the unhealthy side of the healthy/unhealthy debate. Like, injecting lard into your veins unhealthy.
That might be a hyperbole.
Regardless, for the authorities that live in St. Petersburg, there are two areas you might want to keep an eye on:
A item of great value that can only be accessed via a tight ventilation shaft.
A pie contest that allows multiple (and we mean MULTIPLE) entries from one person.
This past weekend, numerous calls in the San Joaquin Valley area were placed with emergency services, not because of an Ebola outbreak, but for a potentially more insidious outbreak: people dressed as clowns at night holding firearms or sharp objects.
It’s theorized that the outbreak is not necessarily a string of people coming up with the same original idea at the same time, but actually a copycat outbreak of clowns, with horror clown patient zero being the “Wasco Clown,” the Instagram account of someone with serious social interaction issues.
However, what’s not confirmed is that the aliens aren’t space aliens attempting to wrap us up in cotton candy and then drink us with a silly straw. And we at SeriouslyGuys would never advocate the wholesale and unwarranted slaughter of a people just because of what they look like. That said, clowns holding weapons are rarely people.