Category: Regular Post

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Draining the monster causes drain of reservoir

Portland would rather waste a precious resource than be honest with people.

On Wednesday, a teenager broke into one of the city’s reservoirs and peed in it, because it’s kind of funny. He was caught on security camera, and the city’s water bureau announced it will dump all 38 million gallons of drinking water in the reservoir because it would never “purposely serve tainted H2O to the public.”

The definition of “tainted” seems to be a little off, here. On a heavy day, an adult will pee roughly half a gallon in one day–mind you, that’s not all at once, unless you’re really been holding it. But let’s just say this kid killed a lot of beer, that would mean if you took a glass of water from the reservoir, it would be one-76 millionth pee. You can’t even spill that small of an amount. Your local beach has more pee in it.

This also assumes that this reservoir is located in a magical place where birds and other animals never pee or poop, because that would mean the Portland Water Bureau was purposely serving “tainted” water. Folks, no matter where you live, there is pee in the water you use to drink, cook and bathe. We recommend drinking beer instead. The hipsters in Portland drink piss water, anyway.

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The few literate Louisianians want Bible named state book

If all you know about Louisiana is what you’ve seen on TV, you probably think it’s a state full of rednecks, perverts, corrupt officials, more rednecks, Steven Seagal, and vampires pretty much everywhere you look. You may not be far off, but there’s so much more to the state.

Just look at how its state legislature is trying to better the lives of its citizenry. When they’re not refusing to take a homophobic, unconstitutional law off the books, state lawmakers are busy blurring the line separating church and state in other ways. The Louisiana House of Representatives is considering a bill that would make the Bible the official state book. Though some lawmakers warn such a bill could lead to First Amendment lawsuits if passed, supporters say making the official book of Christianity the official book of Louisiana doesn’t discriminate against other religions.

In case you’re wondering, no U.S. state has an official book, but two states have official children’s books. Michigan has a book you’ve never heard of, and Massachusetts, that bastion of conservative thought, has Make Way for Ducklings, which is seen by critics as a piece of Zionist propaganda.

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Social Darwinism is dead

For years, we’ve hoped and believed in the concept of social Darwinism: the weaker, more negligent aspects and traits of our cultures and society would go bye-bye and as such, our world would become stronger. Slowly but surely, with the rise of reality television, the decline of reading, the erosion of the English language and the horsemen of the apocalypse known as Jeff Dunham’s puppets, my faith has wavered. And now it’s dead.

A mother lost track of her toddler-age son. Later, the son was found. Across the street. At the bowling alley. In a claw machine. When removed from the machine, the child was even given a stuffed animal.

That’s not how we should treat the situation. The child should have become the newest prize inside of the claw machine. Social Darwinism is officially dead.

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Chuck E. Cheese: Where a norovirus kid can be a norovirus kid

‘Twas not the adult violence that cleared out the children’s play hut that night. The culprit was: norovirus.

This time, while emergency services were again called to a Chuck E. Cheese, this time in the Minnesota district, it was not the police that were needed, but the EMT’s. Nearly 20 people were sent to the hospital with stomach flu symptoms after consuming the restaurant’s food. Investigators claim to have ruled out the virus originating due to food contamination, instead blaming the outbreak on your grubby, horrible, disgusting children.

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But will it have a commercial featuring Samuel L. Jackson?

SRI, the wonderful group that gave the world’s introverts their new best friend, Siri, is developing a new food application. The app, which is still in developmental stages, let’s you take a picture of your food, then analyzes the components, then provides you with an approximate calorie count.

You know, so you have another excuse to Instagram, Tweet and post to Facebook every meal you consume.

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It really is a bit of a best case scenario

New Jersey is a horrible place. There, we said it.

So, is anyone surprised to hear about a naked man being seen riding a tricycle comes from New Jersey? Of course not.

And is anyone surprised to hear that said naked was caught eating glass? And then cigarette tobacco? Of course not.

So police, maybe you can just call it a Mulligan and not arrest Jermaine Jones? He’s naked, riding a tricycle, eating glass, eating cigarette tobacco, and worst of all, in New Jersey. Dude’s hard up.