Category: Regular Post

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Canadian drivers are too nice, police say

Let it never be said that the police in Prince Edward Island, Canada don’t enjoy their jobs. Fresh off of threatening potential drunk drivers with Nickelback, they now want people to drive more selfishly.

The province is plagued with drivers who are so considerate that they are causing accidents, police say. Drivers are stopping and waving along people making left turns, which can end up in T-bone accidents, and could make the waver liable for insurance costs. That’s why authorities are asking drivers to stop being so nice to each other.

Did you know that turning right on a red light is illegal in Canada? An oppressive regime.

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Alt-right declares war on cereal

Breitbart, the self-proclaimed mouthpiece of the conservative white nationalist rebranding movement known as the “alt-right,” has had a lot to celebrate lately. They got their horse to win the horse race, and then their horse picked their executive chairman to be a part of the horse’s transition team. But now comes the real war.

A number of companies have stopped advertising with Breitbart, most notably, Kellogg’s. Being the tough, rational news outlet that it is, Breitbart responded by calling Kellogg’s decision “un-American” and calling on its readers to boycott the company. The supposed lovers of free markets and corporate personhood don’t like that a company has chosen to take its business elsewhere.

This is 2016, a supposedly credible news source is starting a war with what is widely regarded as part of this complete breakfast.

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UK wants to shove haggis down our throats

For 45 years, we’ve been protected by our government from the Scots. But that soon could be no more. The haggis is coming.

In 1971, we were starting to pull out of a war we were losing in Vietnam, but on the home front the U.S. Department of Agriculture dealt a deathblow to the Scottish invasion by banning foods containing animal lungs, effectively banishing haggis from American soil. Haggis eaters were forced underground, and they have been pushing for an overturn the ban ever since. Now haggis lovers, and the Scottish government, believe the USDA will say animal lungs are A-OK to eat, if you’re into that sort of thing.

As they did more than 200 years ago, a British government thinks it knows what’s best for Americans. Hold high the ban.

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Canadian justice: Forced listening to Nickelback

This holiday season, make sure you drink. But also, don’t drive drunk. Police forces ramp up efforts to discourage drinking and driving this time of year, but in Canada, a new tactic is being launched.

One Prince Edward Island town’s police department has promised that anyone pulled over for drunk driving in its jurisdiction will be subjected to listening to Nickelback on the ride to the police station. The police chief said they have an unopened copy of the Canadian “rock” group’s Silver Side Up album–on cassette–and has threatened to use it.

Even police brutality is cute in Canada.

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Setting fires won’t get you hired

There’s a lot to be said for being a go-getter when trying to find a job. If you can set yourself apart from the pack, you’ll have a better shot at getting hired. But there are limits.

In Kentucky, police say a man seeking a job as a weatherman set a forest fire so he could gain new fans on Facebook. Police say that rather than go to the several wildfires tore through the region, the 21-year-old man set his own fire, and videoed himself covering the fire before uploading it to Facebook so he could get more followers.

He is facing charges of second degree arson. But more importantly, forest fires aren’t weather.

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Every Viking needs a lady

Long before they were a football team, the Vikings raided northern European towns at will. But we didn’t know why they did it. Turns out they were going cruising for chicks.

Researchers think that the Vikings left their Scandinavian homes to travel the seas — going as far as North America — because there were no single women around. Viking society allowed powerful men to monopolize large groups of women through polygamy and concubinage. And because so many women in the village were spoken for, young men went to sea to find themselves some strange on a distant shore.

The murdering and pillaging were just perks.

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You missed out on the auction of Eva Braun’s panties

She’s been dead for 71 years, but the old Nazi gal’s panties are still worth something.

More than a year ago, we told you about Adolf Hitler’s wife, Eva Braun’s panties were going up for auction after being found in Ohio of all places. This week, they fetched about $3,700 at auction from an undisclosed buyer and likely Trump supporter.

Cheer up. We’re sure that the underwear of another ruthless mass-murderer’s mistress/wife will go up for sale sometime soon.

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Man sells newspaper because wife wants house with toilet

As anyone who still works at a newspaper will tell you, print journalism has never been hotter. That’s why The Guys have found an investment opportunity for you.

There’s a newspaper up for sale in Alaska. It’s been around for 25 years, and has won a fair share of awards along the way. But now Tom Morphet, the owner of the Chilkat Valley News, wants to sell his beloved newspaper because his wife is tired of living in a cabin in the woods.

“I said, ‘Honey, we could live for free in the cabin.’ But she wants to flush a toilet,” Morphet said. “When I met her she was a girl living out of a backpack and she didn’t care.”

Isn’t that always the way? Your wife decides she needs fancy things, so you have to give up your dreams.

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No longer on her majesty’s secret service

MI6 head, Alex Younger, just Lazenbied James Bond.
MI6 head, Alex Younger, just Lazenbied James Bond.

Bond, James Bond — the only spy we’ve ever heard of to tell everyone he meets the same name — is apparently no longer welcome to apply to MI6, the British intelligence agency.

Alex Younger, the head of MI6, stated that Agent 007 (001 in our hearts) “wouldn’t get through our recruitment process.” That, while Bond meets the standard for “patriotism, energy and tenacity,” he lacks “emotional intelligence” and doesn’t value teamwork or always respect the law.

Is it just us, or does this sound like the second Bond girl in every movie? Not the easy one, the one he ends up in the life raft with at the end? You keep playing hard to get, Mr. Younger. You’ll get your Spy Who Loved You soon enough.

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Don’t fart near lasers

That makes the scene in Entrapment even more tense.
That makes the scene in Entrapment even more tense.

When you undergo surgery, you’re typically not allowed to eat for about a day ahead of time. Doctors say they want your system to be clear when you go under the knife, but it turns out that means more than you think.

In Japan, investigators have blamed a woman’s fart for causing a fire during surgery. Back in April, the doctors were using a laser to operate on the woman’s cervix, when according to the report, the patient farted and the gas was ignited by the laser beam.

So if you’re going to cheat on your fasting rule before surgery, stay away from the burritos.