Reasonable times for customers to draw guns

Here in the U.S., we’re very pro-gun. In fact, you can carry your gun pretty much anywhere you want, nervous people waiting in line at Wendy’s be damned. But for some reason, people get a little nervous about actually pulling out their gun, particularly in business-to-customer settings. Here are some helpful tips.

OK: When you don’t like your sandwich. We’ve all been there. You put in your order at a fast food place, and what you get doesn’t match up with the picture on the menu. A 20-year-old man in Ohio was upset that his sandwich at Steak N Shake had an egg on it that looked super gross. So as a reasonable customer, he threatened to shoot up the place. Now, he didn’t actually have a gun, so charges probably won’t stick. But the key here is that you can whip out your gun, just don’t make any threats. Let your shiny revolver do the talking.

OK: When a utility van is parked outside your house. In Florida, a 64-year-old man didn’t like that there were two AT&T trucks parked outside his house, especially that one guy was up in the cherrypicker on one of them. So he calmly walked outside and shot out the tires of the two vans. Because if you want vehicles to move, shooting their tires is your best option. Also, note that he shot below the bumper, so he’ll likely avoid vehicleslaughter charges.

Segway hacked, does this mean they’re no longer cool?

We’ve said this roughly 689,524 times on this blog before, but this time we’re right: We’ve probably reached the end of humanity. It’s been nice knowing you all. Whatever historians are alive centuries from now will mark the beginning of the end with the hacking of a Segway.

That’s right, the Segway, the rolling scooter thing widely used in all facets of society today, has been hacked. We were such fools to trust such a convenient piece of technology! Hackers have been able to stop the Segway MiniPro via an accompanying app that connects you to your machine’s controls. A vulnerability in the software allows a third party to take control of the Segway. Of course, thousands have already been killed, and there is mass panic around the world because such a vital machine is no longer safe.

Mark our words, if mankind has any hope, it must relegate Segways to airport security officers and city tour groups.

Silent but deadly: Fart smell grounds plane

When you’re at 30,000 feet, you can’t just open a window to air things out. The air is recycled, which means that you’re breathing in everyone’s coughs, sneezes, burps and farts for the whole flight. And when someone really lets one rip, it can ruin your day.

Over the weekend, an American Airlines flight landed in Raleigh, North Carolina, but the plane was filled with what smelled like a nasty fart. It was so bad that crew members complained of eye irritation and headaches. The airport’s investigation of the incident blames flatulence as the cause.

The airline has refused to confirm whether farts are to blame, but insists that if such a thing were true, he who smelt it, dealt it.

Sniff test: Snortable chocolate is a thing

It’s summertime, which means that everyone’s on vacation, and there’s no real news happening. So it’s time for our friends in the news media to start running alarmist stories about how rampant and dangerous some relatively small trends among the youth really are. This is your lucky day, snortable chocolate!

For decades, powdered chocolate has been used by moms as a quick mix for chocolate milk. If you believe the hype, it’s now the next big club drug. Some dude heard that snorting chocolate was a growing trend in Europe, so he decided to bring it here.

Coco Loko is being marketed as a legal way to snort something and get high. It’s cocoa powder mixed with some legal stimulants to give you a rush of energy. Use of a silly straw is optional. Coco Loko is to cocaine what candy cigarettes are to smokes.

And no overblown panic story is complete without threats of a crackdown. Sen. Chuck Schumer has sent a letter to the FDA urging it to investigate the health effects of snorting chocolate and potentially ban cocoa snuff.

Pro tip: After snorting Coco Loko, don’t use your sleeve when you sneeze. Chocolate stains are a bitch to get out.

UK police look to give mystery amputee the finger

London 2010 … does anyone know what these guys ate before the Olympics? Because they’re clearly missing a few fingers.

Every summer is the Summer of Something. 1998 was the Summer of Asteroid Movies. The year before that was the Summer of George. Last summer was the Summer of Thinking 2016 is as Bad as It Will Ever Get … which means we had to find a new theme for this year instead of reheating last summer’s leftovers. So, we’re now at least waist-deep into the Summer of Mystery Amputations.

The odd thing about the Summer of Mystery Amputations, or SoMA, is that none of the amputations happened this year. In fact, many of these extremities were originally removed in previous decades or even millennia. But, today’s is much more recent: a finger found seven years ago in the U.K. that doesn’t match any open cases and was never claimed by anyone.

So, if you’ve lost a finger in London 2010, and can describe it, the police would like to free up a little space in their office fridge for an extra Cornetto.

Cops refuse to let man go after playing “get out of jail free” card

Like a board game, our society has rules. We call them laws. And law enforcement officers are charged with making sure everyone follows the rules. But what if the rules are being thrown out?

In Minnesota, a man was arrested on a felony warrant over the weekend. The man produced a “get out of jail free” card from the Monopoly board game, and in a flagrant violation of the rules, the police ignored it. They claimed that the card has no legal standing. Oh yeah? Then why do you get out of jail when you play it in a civilized setting? Folks, we are a nation of rules, and if those we assign the task of enforcing those rules fail us, we must take the rules into our own hands.

The Parker Brothers are spinning in their graves.

Norway vows phallic rock formation will rise again

An unsolicited Trollpikken pic.

These are sad and embarrassing days in Norway. Perhaps the country was just under a lot of pressure. Maybe it had had too much to drink. Norway’s penis-shaped rock formation has fallen down.

The Trollpikken (which sounds exactly like what Norwegians would name a stone penis) rock formation has been a popular tourist attraction for ages. But vandals drilled holes in the rock, causing it to fall and break. Norwegians have donated at least $10,600 to fix the formation so that Trollpikken rises once more.

Norway swears this has never happened before and it will be totally ready to go in a little bit.

Batman takes down guy stealing DVDs from Wal-Mart

Your average Wal-Mart is a pretty crazy place. And it’s not just the constant animal attacks. So naturally, that’s where you’d find Batman.

In Fort Worth, Texas, a man picked the wrong store to steal DVDs from. He was trying to get away with a bunch of movies, including The Lego Batman Movie, when the Caped Crusader himself swooped in and arrested him. Damon Cole is an officer with the Fort Worth police, and he dressed up like Batman and other superheroes visiting area children battling illnesses. (Apparently Fort Worth keeps its sick kids inside a Wal-Mart?)

The suspect was only charged with a citation because the total value was less than $100 and was released uninjured after a selfie with the Dark Knight. That’s how you know he’s not the real Batman.

Man getting away from wife robs bank, is sentenced to house arrest

After decades of marriage, some people start to resent their spouse, or at least that’s the cliche. Rather than just splitting up, some people go to extreme measures to get away. Sometimes those backfire.

Last fall, a 70-year-old man robbed a bank, only he didn’t leave the bank once he got the money. Instead, he sat in a chair and waited for the police to arrive. He told the cops he wanted to go to jail so he could get away from his wife. This is true.

We’re bringing this up the better part of a year later because this man was given his sentence for the bank robbery this week. The judge sentenced him to six months house arrest for his crime.

This could be cruel and unusual punishment.

Pilot says both engines may not work, seeks vote on taking off

Airline pilots have rough jobs. They have to go through a ton of training, they work long hours, and they have to be on planes with other people. That’s why we shouldn’t be surprised when they honestly consider taking off in a broken plane.

Passengers on a flight from Malaga, Spain to Bristol, U.K. were surprised when their pilot asked them after boarding if they wanted to vote on whether to take off because there was only a 50/50 chance of both engines working. For those of you who aren’t great at probability, that meant that there was a very good chance the plane would only have one working engine for the flight.

Shockingly, the passengers reacted negatively, and a bit panicked at the thought of traveling on a broken plane. But the good news here is that a vote that mattered had a high turnout rate.