World to end on Saturday

Cancel your weekend plans — they aren’t going to happen, because it looks like the world is going to end on Saturday, Sept. 23.

The latest doomsday prediction comes from, you guessed it, a half-baked Christian fundamentalist group. And despite being wrong every time for the past two millennia, they’re sure they have it this time. We won’t bore you with the details, but it related to the positions of the Sun and some planets in relation to certain constellations (which aren’t Judeo-Christian in the first place), last month’s solar eclipse and a unique interpretation of the Book of Revelation.

Remember that non-existent dwarf planet Nibiru that was supposed to hit Earth back in 2012? Same prediction here, just a new date.

The prediction is being denounced as a hoax by pretty much any authority on Christianity you can find. Or maybe they just don’t want the masses to believe it so they can have a bigger yard in Heaven.

ESPN removes Robert Lee from calling UVA game

Historians agree that Robert E. Lee could not call a game to save his life.

ESPN is known for making terrible decisions, from apology tours for rapist athletes, to hyping a guy who is mediocre at two sports because he’s a Christian, to talking about ball inflation for a year because they don’t want to cover hockey. But like all great innovators, ESPN has found a way to top itself.

It was announced late last night, under the cover of darkness, that announcer Robert Lee would be removed from calling the University of Virginia football team’s home opener. The supposed reasoning behind it is that Lee’s name is too similar to Confederate General Robert E. Lee, whose statue white supremacists neo-Nazis the KKK a group of free speech enthusiasts (who happened to all be angry white dudes but are surely fine people) held a deadly rally for in Charlottesville earlier this month. Robert E. Lee, of course, fought a war over free speech.

Broadcaster Robert Lee, however, isn’t the same person. As far as we know, they are in no way related, either. Finally, both the white supremacists and the people they want murdered en masse can agree on an issue.

Stars align to stop car thief

There was a total solar eclipse that streaked across the U.S. yesterday. Perhaps you heard about it. Some called it breathtaking, others called it predictable. It helped stop at least one crime that we know of.

In Florida, of all places, police say they were following a 22-year-old man in a stolen car, when he stopped at a store. The suspect came back out with a welding mask so that he could watch the eclipse. It was then that he was arrested and charged.

Apparently welding masks aren’t safe for eclipse watching, but the guy should get leniency just for his outside-the-box thinking.

Nature finds way to create job openings

Don’t bother getting to know the new intern, kids. He’ll be dead by next pay period.

You may have noticed more entry-level positions requiring experience that people just entering the work force don’t have.

That’s because nobody can retire anymore, even though privatizing retirement through mutual funds and other investment accounts was supposed to make up for “unsustainable” pensions and social security. Which means many people of retirement age back in, oh, 2008, gradually moved into less skilled jobs in their companies, prompting job descriptions to change.

Well, as Ian Malcolm warned us in Jurassic Park, nature finds a way. Older people are now dying at a higher rate in the work place, even as workplace fatalities decrease. 35 percent of 2015 workplace fatalities involved workers 55 and older.

Now, the one question to settle: are they dying more due to accidents caused by “gradually worsening vision and hearing impairment, reduced response time, balance issues and chronic medical or muscle or bone problems such as arthritis” as gerontologists (or really old scientists) say? Or were they pushed?

Customs agents find cobras in chip cans

Next they’ll send a cushion filled with actual farts.

It’s an old gag, and as classic as the whoopee cushion: one person hands a friend a can of nuts of chips, and when the friend opens it, a spring-loaded snake jumps out. Most of us would just brush it off as lame, someone in China thought, “What if?”

In California, a man has been arrested on smuggling charges after customs officials found three deadly king cobras packed into potato chip cans that were being shipped to his address from Hong Kong. Authorities allege that the man had been illegally importing endangered reptiles for months.

The Chinese are known to take practical jokes a little too seriously.

Reasonable times for customers to draw guns

Here in the U.S., we’re very pro-gun. In fact, you can carry your gun pretty much anywhere you want, nervous people waiting in line at Wendy’s be damned. But for some reason, people get a little nervous about actually pulling out their gun, particularly in business-to-customer settings. Here are some helpful tips.

OK: When you don’t like your sandwich. We’ve all been there. You put in your order at a fast food place, and what you get doesn’t match up with the picture on the menu. A 20-year-old man in Ohio was upset that his sandwich at Steak N Shake had an egg on it that looked super gross. So as a reasonable customer, he threatened to shoot up the place. Now, he didn’t actually have a gun, so charges probably won’t stick. But the key here is that you can whip out your gun, just don’t make any threats. Let your shiny revolver do the talking.

OK: When a utility van is parked outside your house. In Florida, a 64-year-old man didn’t like that there were two AT&T trucks parked outside his house, especially that one guy was up in the cherrypicker on one of them. So he calmly walked outside and shot out the tires of the two vans. Because if you want vehicles to move, shooting their tires is your best option. Also, note that he shot below the bumper, so he’ll likely avoid vehicleslaughter charges.

Segway hacked, does this mean they’re no longer cool?

We’ve said this roughly 689,524 times on this blog before, but this time we’re right: We’ve probably reached the end of humanity. It’s been nice knowing you all. Whatever historians are alive centuries from now will mark the beginning of the end with the hacking of a Segway.

That’s right, the Segway, the rolling scooter thing widely used in all facets of society today, has been hacked. We were such fools to trust such a convenient piece of technology! Hackers have been able to stop the Segway MiniPro via an accompanying app that connects you to your machine’s controls. A vulnerability in the software allows a third party to take control of the Segway. Of course, thousands have already been killed, and there is mass panic around the world because such a vital machine is no longer safe.

Mark our words, if mankind has any hope, it must relegate Segways to airport security officers and city tour groups.

Silent but deadly: Fart smell grounds plane

When you’re at 30,000 feet, you can’t just open a window to air things out. The air is recycled, which means that you’re breathing in everyone’s coughs, sneezes, burps and farts for the whole flight. And when someone really lets one rip, it can ruin your day.

Over the weekend, an American Airlines flight landed in Raleigh, North Carolina, but the plane was filled with what smelled like a nasty fart. It was so bad that crew members complained of eye irritation and headaches. The airport’s investigation of the incident blames flatulence as the cause.

The airline has refused to confirm whether farts are to blame, but insists that if such a thing were true, he who smelt it, dealt it.

Sniff test: Snortable chocolate is a thing

It’s summertime, which means that everyone’s on vacation, and there’s no real news happening. So it’s time for our friends in the news media to start running alarmist stories about how rampant and dangerous some relatively small trends among the youth really are. This is your lucky day, snortable chocolate!

For decades, powdered chocolate has been used by moms as a quick mix for chocolate milk. If you believe the hype, it’s now the next big club drug. Some dude heard that snorting chocolate was a growing trend in Europe, so he decided to bring it here.

Coco Loko is being marketed as a legal way to snort something and get high. It’s cocoa powder mixed with some legal stimulants to give you a rush of energy. Use of a silly straw is optional. Coco Loko is to cocaine what candy cigarettes are to smokes.

And no overblown panic story is complete without threats of a crackdown. Sen. Chuck Schumer has sent a letter to the FDA urging it to investigate the health effects of snorting chocolate and potentially ban cocoa snuff.

Pro tip: After snorting Coco Loko, don’t use your sleeve when you sneeze. Chocolate stains are a bitch to get out.

UK police look to give mystery amputee the finger

London 2010 … does anyone know what these guys ate before the Olympics? Because they’re clearly missing a few fingers.

Every summer is the Summer of Something. 1998 was the Summer of Asteroid Movies. The year before that was the Summer of George. Last summer was the Summer of Thinking 2016 is as Bad as It Will Ever Get … which means we had to find a new theme for this year instead of reheating last summer’s leftovers. So, we’re now at least waist-deep into the Summer of Mystery Amputations.

The odd thing about the Summer of Mystery Amputations, or SoMA, is that none of the amputations happened this year. In fact, many of these extremities were originally removed in previous decades or even millennia. But, today’s is much more recent: a finger found seven years ago in the U.K. that doesn’t match any open cases and was never claimed by anyone.

So, if you’ve lost a finger in London 2010, and can describe it, the police would like to free up a little space in their office fridge for an extra Cornetto.