Category: Regular Post

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‘Male Panda’s Rights Activists’ celebrate being proven right

"Females say they want to get with a nice, cuddly panda. But they always end up with some assh*le."
“Females say they want to get with a nice, cuddly panda. But they always choose the assh*le with a giant grant from the WWF.”

After years of looking like panda jerks in the comments of any online post that mentions feminism, it appears that Male Panda’s Rights Activists, or MPRAs, have been proven right. At least one female panda has been caught faking a pregnancy for special treatment from zookeepers that she has no intention of letting out of the “friendzone.”

Zookeepers at the Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding reported that Ai Hin exhibited signs of pregnancy for two months and then suddenly stopped. During that time, she was moved into a single air conditioned room and received “more buns, fruits and bamboo.”

According to one of the zookeepers, “Some clever pandas have used this to their advantage to improve their quality of life.”

See? And if this happens in a zoo, you know it totally happens in the wild, too, where female pandas will convince a male panda to marry her and then conveniently miscarry. And at that point, it’s too late for the male panda. He’ll have to give her half of us bamboo for the rest of her life.

So, you win this round, MPRAs. But you still look stupid in a fedora.

| Posted in Regular Post

Hell claims Va. town as fortunetelling ban falls

The ban kept Chris Berman away for decades.
The ban kept Chris Berman away for decades.

Whores of Satan, rejoice: the Town Council of Front Royal, Virginia has made a deal with the devil! Fortunetelling will be allowed within the town. Let the trumpets of Lucifer ring out!

In a 4-2 decision, the town council decided to strike down a ban on fortunetelling, “gypsies” and “magic arts,” whatever those are. Demons were heard shrieking with delight, as they set about plans of spreading Satanism and introducing criminal elements that are so often associated with things like tarot cards.

Concerned citizens said they worried that without the ban, children would be put in danger of temptations of evil. The Lord of Darkness himself was unable for comment.

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College, football, beer, what?

In a completely shocking move, colleges are looking to … tap … into the beer business to help with money. The real shocker, is that it’s 2014 and these schools with football teams actually realize this, meanwhile The Guys figured this out at Radford University over 10 years ago.

| Posted in Regular Post

Even eBay user Ladiesman217 thinks that’s a dumb idea

Our own Chris “Chugs” Taylor has gone on record before that he likes the first Michael Bay Transformers movie. If you want to redeco your car to look like Barricade from that movie, that’s fine.

If you want to redeco your Maserati to look like Barricade from that movie, that’s not a fine decision. That’s a dumb decision.

If you want to drive your Maserati that’s been repainted to look like Barricade from that movie and assist your local police by being a visible nuisance, that’s an even dumber decision.

| Posted in Regular Post

A wrong-handed celebration

You know how we know that Charlie Chaplin was secretly evil? He penciled in his Hitler 'stache with his left hand.
You know how we know that Charlie Chaplin was secretly evil? He penciled in his Hitler ‘stache with his left hand.

If you thought today seemed a little sinister, there’s good reason. Today, the world celebrates International Left-handers Day, even if we know that left-handedness is a sign of evil.

If you’re wondering when International Mixed-handedness Day is, it, like ambidextrous people, doesn’t exist. If you pitch southpaw, then it doesn’t matter if you catch southpaw, too. You’re left-handed. (And let’s not get into the affront to god and threat to right-handedness that trans-handed people present.)

So, if you know a left-handed person, pat them on the back — with your correct hand. Tolerance is really in right now.

| Posted in Regular Post

How cop-incidental

Stick with me now.

  1. Cops say that they’ve been looking for a suspect for the past 9 months, accusing Bradley Hardison of breaking into a grocery store.
  2. Last week, Hardison shows up at police event.
  3. He competes in a doughnut eating contest, presumably against police officers (among other competitors)
  4. He bests his competition.
  5. He’s then arrested.

Maybe it’s coincidental. Maybe it’s poor planning by a criminal. But it sure sounds like there’s a new flavor of donut: sour grapes.

| Posted in Regular Post

You’re not helping, sketchy neighbors

Have you heard about the new app, SketchFactor, that lets you know whether a neighborhood is sketchy? Sure, it’s probably racist, and if it isn’t, it soon will be, since it’s crowdsourced.

One Washington, D.C. news team went out into one of the so-called sketchy neighborhoods to get reactions from people and probably to show how un-sketchy it really was. Then their van got burglarized.

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Lightning powers: easy come, easy go

For but a brief moment in time, Bruno DiFilippo was a god among men. In a world where an eidetic memory is probably the closest we have to real life superpowers, DFilippo shot sparks of lightning from his body. Take that, knowing what you had for dinner for the entire month of June when you were 8!

DiFilippo was standing outside his home, holding a hose, when a lightning bolt struck his shoulder. Now, for those keeping score, here are the superpower formulas when lightning is involved:

  • Lightning bolt + wall of chemicals in beakers = speed powers
  • Lightning bolt + a hose = ankle sparks
  • No lightning involved whatsoever + machinery = becoming living lightning

Sadly, his lightning powers were short-lived. On the plus side, he had no injuries. So he has that going for him.

| Posted in Regular Post

Quest for Grail leads cops to British pub

The Holy Grail maybe missing, but at least we now know that it’s not somewhere in an English pub.

Bobbies searched a village pub in Herefordshire, England, trying to locate an old wooden cup believed by some to be the cup that Jesus sipped from at the Last Supper. The cup, which spent centuries in a Welsh mansion by monks to hide it from King Henry VIII, had been stolen about a month ago. Authorities had a tip that it might be in the bar.

Or maybe Robert Langdon just got a little thirsty.