Category: Regular Post

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Brought to you by letters H, B, O and really big numbers

With HBO helping produce Sesame Street, we'll finally see what Oscar's doing with his hands inside that can.
With HBO helping produce Sesame Street, we’ll finally see what Oscar’s been doing with his hands inside that can.

It appears that all of our favorite brands are joining up. Earlier this week, it was Wheaties and craft beer (take that, Beerios!). And now it’s Sesame Street and HBO.

HBO will pay for the next five seasons of Sesame Street. All episodes will still appear on PBS, as they have since 1969, but with the caveat that new episodes will air on HBO nine months before appearing for free on public television. So, for those of you 3- to 5-year-olds with HBO subscriptions: no posting spoilers for nine months, OK? (And Sesame Street book readers? F*ck off, you pretentious turds.)

The money generated from the deal will also allow the Sesame Workshop, which normally produces Sesame Street almost entirely from revenue generated by merchandise sales, to develop two new spin-off projects, meaning — yay! — more Sesame Street. However, with HBO’s production values, they’ll most likely feature topless Muppets in Northern Ireland.

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… Yeah, but have you read Hamlet on weed?

You can't unsee his stoned expression now. Or his earring.
You can’t unsee his stoned expression now. Or his earring.

William Shakespeare has been busted for possession of paraphernalia containing residue of cannabis and cocaine. South African researches found the evidence of drug use in “tobacco” residue from pipes in his home. This could help explain why his work got much more chill and arty after Titus Andronicus.

Of course, not everyone’s on board with Shakespeare using the same substances as the Hollywood directors that adapt his works. The curator of the Shakespeare Birthplace Trust museum, Ann Donnelly, noted that “people love to come up with reasons for saying Shakespeare was not a genius. I don’t think there’s any proof that he was helped in any way by taking narcotic substances.”

It’s probably worth mentioning that the pipes were loaned to the South African team by the Shakespeare Birthplace Trust. So, if that pot isn’t Shakespeare’s, then Ms. Donnelly has some explaining to do. (But, seriously, who could resist packing the Bard’s bowl?)

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Cool shirt, what does it say?

We all know someone who thought it was cool to get a tattoo with some Asian symbols, trusting the dude with the needle that they meant “courage” or “love.” They didn’t really care, because it just looked cool. Turns out, the same thing goes for English phrases in Asia.

Apparently, some kids in Asia like to wear clothing with English phrases on them, even though they have no idea what they mean. And because the clothing industry is responsible, they feature fairly bland statements. Kidding! They say things like “I am a whore” and “I ♥ BJ.”

Just in time for back-to-school shopping.

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Third world gets a leg up in Olympic swimming events in Rio 2016

"No! No! No no no nononononooooo!"
“No! No! No no no nonononon–” ::splash::

Speaking of fecal sports, it looks like our swimming athletes will get more than a mouthful at the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. According to an Associated Press investigation, the water in Rio’s brimming with “1.7 million times the level of [fecal-bourne viruses that] would be considered hazardous on a Southern California beach.”

Kristina Mena, a U.S. expert in risk assessment for waterborne viruses, examined the AP data and estimated that international athletes at all water venues would have a 99 percent chance of infection if they ingested just three teaspoons of water — though whether a person will fall ill depends on immunity and other factors.

[Emphasis ours.]

It would take our athletes years to acclimate to those waters, which wouldn’t prevent them from getting sick, but would lessen symptom severity. As it stands, they don’t have enough time to train without chumming their swim lanes — a considerable amount of beefy chum if you’ve ever been to a Texas de Brasil restaurant.

So, congratulations, third-world athletes. You finally found an advantage over first-world water filtration. But, seriously, what a sh*tty way to win.

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Baseball needs more farts

Baseball: The favorite sport of old people and fans of endless amounts of statistics. It’s a slow, monotonous game, which could be part of why no one watches it anymore. But the Miami Marlins may have figured out how to turn it around: play fart noises.

Earlier this week, the Marlins played fart noises during the Washington Nationals’ battling practice before a game. It proved to be such a distraction for the Nats that the brought in their own speakers in an attempt to drown out the farts. The Marlins have denied any wrongdoing, but most people see it as retaliation for the Nationals’ playing soft rock slow jams during their opponents’ batting practice before home games all season long.

How great would it be if there were random fart noises played during the games? Each team could get a certain amount of farts to play during a game, and use them at key moments to throw the other team off.

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New Hampshire traffic report

Folks, if for some reason you’re driving in Keene, N.H., be a good neighbor and bring a whole lot of pancakes.

A state highway had to be shut down earlier this week when a truck carrying roughly 220 gallons of maple syrup spilled its contents all over the road. If only this had happened in Vermont.

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Foodies pioneer new insufferable sensation

Ermergerhd, these lingonberries taste like I'm so much smarter than you.
Ermergerhd, these lingonberries taste like I’m so much smarter than you.

Just when it seemed that people who enjoy food better than you were running out of ways to work umami into everyday conversations, researchers gave them the savory shot in the arm they needed to douche-canoe up new streams. Umami is for poseurs; the real flavor is now in fat.

Fat joins umami as well as sweet, sour, salty, and bitter in the list of ways people who only cum over kale can categorize what’s just so damn amazing in their mouths right now. According to scientists, who apparently hate normal eaters, fat possesses a distinct flavor that impacts the way other ingredients taste all on it’s own.

But, there is a silver digestive lining to this artisanal chili with heirloom peppers fart cloud: the more fat these assh*les pour over their vegetables, the sooner we’ll be rid of them. And if we can get heroin declared the “mouth-feel” of 2015, even sooner.

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Here’s some crap you missed while we were out

We’re back after taking a week off, so there’s a lot to catch up on. You’re in luck if you’re hankering for some poop news, specifically, Nordic poop news.

In Norway, authorities are searching for a serial pooper. For a decade, the Stavanger Golf Club has found human feces and used toilet paper on certain holes. All they know is that the person rides a bike, because of tracks in the dew on the course, and that it’s a man. How could they know that?

“We know it is a man because the poos are too massive to be from a woman.”

Let’s move on to Iceland. A national park with an unpronounceable name has long suffered from a lack of public toilets. Unfortunately it had led to public defecation. Worst of all, most of the pooping seems to be going on in a church yard where some famous poets are buried. Yet another reason not to go into poetry.

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There are people out there who don’t want you to see monkeys riding dogs

Illinois is not a normal place.

Every year at the Lake County Fair, people flock to the “Banana Derby.” A race in which capuchin monkeys dressed as jockeys ride dogs. That’s not the weird part. The weird part is that there are people out there who want to end the derby for some reason. Animal rights activists are circulating an online petition calling for the cancellation of the race. For once, a county fair features something other than rickety rides, creepy carnies and fried everything. The fair has something that people want to see, and some jerks want to ruin the fun.

We are in control of the Earth, and that includes animals. To make sure these beasts know their place, we should be humiliating them for our entertainment. Ride on, monkey jockeys.

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More crap to deal with when you own a home

The problem with houses is that they’re stationary. When someone loses control of their car, a house can’t move out of the way.

In Pennsylvania, a truck failed to navigate a turn, headed off the road and into the first floor of a house. But it wasn’t just a truck, it was a septic truck. And to make it worse, it was leaking when emergency crews finally got it out.

Luckily, the homeowners, who had recently bought the house and returned from their honeymoon, weren’t home at the time. This is why you don’t buy a house.