Category: Regular Post

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Pictures of furries aren’t part of complete breakfast

It’s always perplexed us why people follow certain brands on social media. How exciting are the posts coming in from Goldfish crackers? Are people that obsessed with certain foods that they need to get pointless updates in the Facebook feeds? Apparently so.

A lot of people like following Tony the Tiger on Twitter, nearly 22,000 people, in fact. The cartoon tiger had to take a break from shilling Frosted Flakes to ask his followers to chill out. Because everyone’s been sending him sexual images related to furries. Anthropomorphic sexual images have been filling Tony the Tiger’s Twitter feed, and it’s gotten so bad that the intern assigned to tweet as a cartoon spokesman has had to ask followers to keep it clean. Tony even had to block a bunch of furries.

Many are instead following, and this is true, Chester Cheetah.

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English coast guard perform daring rescue of inflatable doll

Next time you’re in a boat, take a moment to appreciate that there are men and women willing to risk their lives to save your life. If an inflatable doll could talk, it would certainly give thanks.

Off the coast of Cornwall, England, a fisherman reported seeing an elderly person in the water, struggling to keep afloat in the rough seas. A coast guard helicopter and Royal Navy ship searched the waters, and located what appeared to be a person. They saved what they soon found was an inflatable sex doll, and just in time, as the doll seemed to have lost all its air and could have gone under at any time.

The doll was wearing pants and a shirt, because English sex toys are just classier than ours.

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Santa Claus arrested for being too jolly to drive

The Post Falls, Idaho Police Department is going to be on the naughty list next year after they arrested a man named Santa Claus last week.

According to authorities, Claus was spotted driving the wrong way on a one-way street and was pulled over. Father Christmas explained that he wasn’t from around there, and wasn’t familiar with the streets in town. However, cops smelled alcohol on his breath. He blew a .13 of jolliness. Pere Noel was arrested and charged with DUI, which was later reduced to reckless driving.

Santa, next time you have a few, ask one of your helpers to drive. At least now we know where he went with the stolen helicopter.

 

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‘Willy Wonka’ Paraguayan millionaire strikes again!

"Authorities say they don't know why the millionaire from Paraguay keeps allegedly making fake winning prize tickets when he already has at least $1 million."
“Authorities say they don’t know why the millionaire from Paraguay keeps allegedly making fake winning prize tickets when he already has at least $1 million.”

So, we’re all let down that we didn’t win the equivalent of your company’s CEO’s annual salary in the Powerball drawing this week. Even though, when rounded to the nearest integer, 100 percent of all lottery tickets sold are losers, it was fun to imagine what it would be like to be Oprah with two other people.

But, it turns out that one of the winners of the $1.6 billion prize was a fake! So, that means that there’s still a winning ticket out there, right?*

Everybody get out there and start eating Wonka Bars, immediately!

*No, there is not.

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Smugglers want you to eat your veggies

Smuggling isn’t as cool as it once was. In the 1920s, smuggling in booze was a cool and respected job. Now, it doesn’t really matter. We can’t even feel cool smuggling in Cuban cigars anymore. (Thanks, Obama.)

But smuggling in drugs can be at least entertaining when they get busted. Earlier this week, U.S. Border Patrol agents discovered a ton of marijuana being smuggled from Mexico in a truck. The pot was being shipped in containers made to look like hundreds and hundreds of carrots. Nice try, drug smugglers, everyone knows Americans don’t eat carrots. Maybe you should make fake cheeseburgers.

Meanwhile, people are trying to smuggle drugs in from Canada on sleds. Because Canada.

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1-900-Mix-A-Lot no longer in service

Sir Mix-A-Lot hasn’t had a hit more than 20 years, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t still have it. And by “it” we mean the attention of a lot of people who want to be famous.

Jonathan Nichols, 33, found this out a few months ago when he got a new cell phone number. In no time at all, he was getting lewd pictures from ladies, samples from budding artists, and invitations to party backstage at concerts. As it turns out, Verizon Wireless gave him Sir Mix-A-Lot’s old number, and apparently he hadn’t told everyone he was changing numbers.

Sir Mix’s advice is, and this is true, “Don’t check any text messages in front of your wife.” Well said.

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Google thinks Vladimir Putin is Sauron

Russia may smell nice, but it’s a very dark and evil place, according to Google.

The company recently fixed a bug in its translation app where “Russian Federation” was translated as “Modor” from Ukrainian to Russian. It was also translating “Russians” as “occupiers,” apparently mad about the Russian annexation of Crimea last year. Google said the error wasn’t caused by humans, as the Google Translate app isn’t updated manually. It was likely so many people were using these terms online that the app started to assume the words meant the same thing.

Russian Minister Sergey Lavrov was translated as “sad little horse,” which sounds as Eastern European as an insult can be.

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Violinists need to attach strings to their relationships

Emotional reunions with ludicrously expensive violins is apparently catnip to newsmen.
Emotional reunions with ludicrously expensive violins is apparently catnip to newsmen.
SeriouslyGuys has tracked the news, finding you the most important items you need to survive, for more than eight years now (or even longer, according to our vault). In that time, we’ve uncovered some weird news trends, like how much the media likes to report on animal attacks (because we’re at war with animals) and elections, even though the results are always the same.

Well, we’ve found a new trend: missing, priceless violins being eventually returned to their owners.

Just from a cursory scan, we found stories dating back from 2008 and 2012. And now we have one more today. It’s not even the same absent-minded violinist; different violinists keep leaving “priceless” violins ranging from $180,000 to $2.6 million (so … not priceless) on mass transit, and it’s always up to some poor cab or bus driver and the police to reunite them.

It’s time for violinists to take more responsibility for their instruments — or at least write their names on their violin cases. You don’t see pianists leaving their baby grands on the subway.

Or, if they’re leaving these expensive violins in cabs and trains on purpose, then it’s time for them to grow up. You’re first chair; tell your tiger mom like an adult that you want to quit violin.

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In former Soviet Russia, leader smells you

Leaders Number One: the perfect fragrance for convincing horses to breastfeed.
Leaders Number One: the perfect fragrance for convincing horses to breastfeed.

If you didn’t receive a new scent for Christmas or are looking to expand your Brian Fontana cabinet, might we suggest picking up a bottle of Leaders Number One? It’s the only fragrance on the market guaranteed to make you smell like the world’s greatest shirtless head of state with a weird accent since Conan the Barbarian: Vladimir Putin.

Much like Putin, Leaders Number One is billed as “attractive, matter-of-fact and natural” and the peer of established, recognized cologne leaders like Dior and Dolce and Gabbana. It’s also the exact opposite of that: cheap-smelling and more forced than a photo shoot with a tranquilized tiger, just like Putin. It’s also extremely overpriced, much like the cost of letting Putin run your country for more than 16 years.

In other words, Russia has finally stolen CK One from the First World.

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Hoverboards unwelcome in church

Not everyone in the Philippines was in the holiday spirit on Christmas.

A Catholic priest has been suspended, but not for the reason we’re used to. According to the diocese, Father Albert San Jose rode around on a “hoverboard” and sang during Christmas Eve mass. Rather than seeing it as a miracle that scooter didn’t catch fire, the diocese said the stunt did not treat the mass with the respect it deserves.

Meanwhile, Jesus can walk on water and the Church is A-OK with that.