Category: Regular Post

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Venezuelan golfers may lead their country to war with Swiss

Things are tense right now in Venezuela, as golf balls could trigger an international incident.

Switzerland and Venezuela, natural enemies for as long as anyone can remember, appear to be on the brink of war because people can’t keep their drives in the fairway. The Swiss ambassador’s residence has been pelted with golf balls because it borders a hole at the Caracas Country Club. The ambassador has warned Venezuela that the Swiss people will not tolerate such an affront to their national pride, going to far as to post a sign warning that should an errant golf ball injure or kill anyone in Swiss territory, it would violate the Vienna Convention.

These are dark days. Let us all hope that the traditionally hawkish Swiss cool down, and Venezuelan golfers improve their aim.

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We’re losing the war on panty lines

According to a recent report, an industry widely considered vital to the U.S. economy is in peril, and it seems logical to fear for American jobs. It seems that thongs aren’t selling so well anymore.

Sixteen years after Sisqo’s four-minute-long commercial for them, thongs are struggling to appeal to a younger generation of women. In fact, sales are down 7%, while wider, less flattering forms of women’s underwear are up. And this in the revival of the booty. Clearly, the songs are telling women what part of their bodies are attractive, but they’re not telling women what to wear on that part.

We learned the harsh lesson of panty lines back in the 1980s. We can ill afford to go back to those dark days. Ladies, it’s up to you.

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Eva Braun’s panties are up for sale, if you’re into that sort of thing

There are just two-and-a-half weeks until Father’s day. Do you know what you’re going to give dear old dad? This year, why not get your father something from the Fatherland?

For just $7,500, you can own a pair of panties owned by Adolf Hitler’s wife, Eva Braun. According to the owners, the Nazi knickers were taken from the infamous Eagle’s Nest at the end of World War II by an American soldier. Today they’re in a thrift shop Elmore, Ohio, a small town outside of Toledo. They look authentic, right?

No doubt they’ll sell fast, since there are Germans all over the Midwest.

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Ho ho ho, dude

Why is Santa Claus always in such good spirits? Turns out he’s high all the time.

The city council of North Pole, Alaska (which really is a town) rejected a ban on medical marijuana shops within the city. During the council meeting, officials were no doubt swayed by the testimony of, and this is true, a North Pole resident named Santa Claus, who said he is a medical marijuana patient and doesn’t want to have to drive to Fairbanks.

“O Christmas Tree” has a whole new meaning.

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U.S. finally interested in soccer

The U.S. hasn't aggressively pursued charges against this many Europeans since Nuremburg, which now makes soccer the Indiana Jones of sports.
The U.S. hasn’t aggressively pursued charges against this many Europeans since Nuremburg, which now makes soccer the Indiana Jones of sports.

Just when it looked like America was going to have to pretend it still likes baseball while the other good sports take the summer off, here comes soccer!

Despite never caring about soccer to date, no matter what your DC United fan friend claims, our government finally found a reason to give a sh*t about that sport that’s like hockey, only without any of the parts that make hockey good. That reason? Arresting Europeans and f*cking over Russia.

U.S. law enforcement is looking into the culture of corruption that is world soccer management after Russia and Qatar appeared to buy the 2018 and 2022 World Cup locations. And also countless other bribes, money laundering, blah blah blah, let’s not miss that we’re sticking it to one country that’s balls deep in Ukraine and the other that hosted Sex and the City 2.

How long will our interest in soccer last? June, once ESPN starts televising NFL grounds keeping teams sod operations in preparation for the 2015-16 season.

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Wisconsin may approve pink so that ladies will hunt

Hey ladies, why don’t more of you hunt? It’s not like you don’t have the same freedom to sit in the frigid woods for hours on end hoping that a deer wanders by at some point.

But don’t worry, women, Wisconsin has figured it out. You’re not allowed to wear pink. Lawmakers in Wisconsin are working on a bill that would allow hunters to wear pink, a move they hope will get more lady hunters.

It’s so simple. We can apply this anywhere in society. Why aren’t there more women CEOs? Because pink isn’t legal! Why aren’t there any women players in the NFL? They only wear pink one month a year (meanwhile, women flock to lingerie football leagues). Let’s fix this, men.

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‘Fifty Shades’ coming to a high school near you

Watching movies in class was one of the highlights of high school, especially so if the movie contained nudity and the teacher forgot to skip past that part. Some high school students did one better.

In West Virginia, a classroom convinced their teacher to let them watch Fifty Shades of Grey if they behaved themselves, because apparently the teacher had no idea what the movie was about, and IMDB is hard. These luckiest of kids got to watch about 10 minutes of the film before someone at the school found out about it and had it turned off.

The school wouldn’t comment on what is going to happen now, but it seems pretty clear that the teacher has been bad and deserves to be punished, if you know what we mean.

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“Singing Sailor” is Sweden’s new defense against Russia

Things are tense up in the Nordic part of the world. Russian subs have been suspected of patrolling Swedish waters in the Baltic Sea, but the Swedes haven’t been able to confirm it, nor have they seemingly been able to scare the Ruskies off–until now.

A Swedish group has deployed the “Singing Sailor Defense System,” which consists of a neon sign with the words “Welcome to Sweden — gay since 1944″ and a gay dancing sailor which is now dancing away in the Baltic.

Subs don’t have eyes, and the Swedish group thought of that. The sign also taps out, “This way if you’re gay” in Morse code on repeat underwater.

Like we said, things are tense.

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Manny Ramirez: Purveyor of shots with Viagra pills in them

In the mid 2000’s, Manny Ramirez was a lot of fun to watch. It wasn’t just for his home runs, his antics were entertaining, too.

Manny said in an interview recently that he once spiked teammate Ellis Burks’ drink with Viagra. During the 2004 playoffs, the Boston Red Sox did shots before games. Manny made mamajuana, which contains gin, honey, wine and some sort of medicine root. Then to make things interesting, he added in three Viagra pills and had Burks try it out, with positive results.

Pretty soon, the whole team was doing shots of it. Play hard.