Just when it looked like America was going to have to pretend it still likes baseball while the other good sports take the summer off, here comes soccer!
Despite never caring about soccer to date, no matter what your DC United fan friend claims, our government finally found a reason to give a sh*t about that sport that’s like hockey, only without any of the parts that make hockey good. That reason? Arresting Europeans and f*cking over Russia.
U.S. law enforcement is looking into the culture of corruption that is world soccer management after Russia and Qatar appeared to buy the 2018 and 2022 World Cup locations. And also countless other bribes, money laundering, blah blah blah, let’s not miss that we’re sticking it to one country that’s balls deep in Ukraine and the other that hosted Sex and the City 2.
How long will our interest in soccer last? June, once ESPN starts televising NFL grounds keeping teams sod operations in preparation for the 2015-16 season.
It’s so simple. We can apply this anywhere in society. Why aren’t there more women CEOs? Because pink isn’t legal! Why aren’t there any women players in the NFL? They only wear pink one month a year (meanwhile, women flock to lingerie football leagues). Let’s fix this, men.
Watching movies in class was one of the highlights of high school, especially so if the movie contained nudity and the teacher forgot to skip past that part. Some high school students did one better.
In West Virginia, a classroom convinced their teacher to let them watch Fifty Shades of Grey if they behaved themselves, because apparently the teacher had no idea what the movie was about, and IMDB is hard. These luckiest of kids got to watch about 10 minutes of the film before someone at the school found out about it and had it turned off.
The school wouldn’t comment on what is going to happen now, but it seems pretty clear that the teacher has been bad and deserves to be punished, if you know what we mean.
Things are tense up in the Nordic part of the world. Russian subs have been suspected of patrolling Swedish waters in the Baltic Sea, but the Swedes haven’t been able to confirm it, nor have they seemingly been able to scare the Ruskies off–until now.
In the mid 2000’s, Manny Ramirez was a lot of fun to watch. It wasn’t just for his home runs, his antics were entertaining, too.
Manny said in an interview recently that he once spiked teammate Ellis Burks’ drink with Viagra. During the 2004 playoffs, the Boston Red Sox did shots before games. Manny made mamajuana, which contains gin, honey, wine and some sort of medicine root. Then to make things interesting, he added in three Viagra pills and had Burks try it out, with positive results.
Pretty soon, the whole team was doing shots of it. Play hard.
Married people: get off of social media right now. It’s going to end your marriage.
According to a survey by a law firm in the U.K., social media has caused a significant number of divorces. About 14% of Brits surveyed said they had thought about filing for divorce because of something their spouse did online. Even worse, 25% of those surveyed said they had fights weekly about social media use, and 17% said they fought with their spouse about it every day. Every. Day.
If you and your spouse are fighting about stuff you post on a stupid site on a daily basis, it might be time to block them.
Last week, the Russians launched a supply ship to the International Space Station, but when it got to space, it started spinning out of control for no reason. Scientists have since given up on the craft. The bad news is that it’s going to crash into the Earth tomorrow.
The other bad news (sorry, did you think this was a good news/bad news situation?) is that researchers have no idea where it’s going to hit. They can only guess as to the day it will crash with its three-ton payload. So look up on Friday, you could die in the most awesome way possible.
Do you like stories about animals? Do you like stories about AI? Well how about stories about Germans creating artificial intelligence apes to do research on the moon? Well, then, do we have a story for you!
Also, it should be noted that we have historical documentation that apes in space is not a good idea.
Lawyers aren’t the most popular people around, but their jobs aren’t always worth the perks, either. Especially when you’re defending a guy who’s been charged with assaulting his previous lawyer.
In upstate New York, authorities say Aaron W. Jabot, 34, assaulted his lawyer in a courtroom during a case against him, in which he, you guessed it, assaulted the last guy who defended him. Jabot will be facing fresh assault charges soon enough.
We can only assume that the next lawyer wears a helmet.