Category: Regular Post

| Posted in Regular Post

Ukraine to become home to new Galactic Empire

If he dresses like a Darth Vader, has his name changed like a Darth Vader and has stormtroopers surrounding him like a Darth Vader, then he’s a Darth Vader, right? But what about if he’s in the Ukraine?

Yes, and best of all, he wants your vote.

Seriously, he really needs your vote. See, Darth Vader is polling pretty low in the parliamentary elections. Unfortunately, this can be attributed to his involvement in the scandal known as “the prequel trilogy.”

| Posted in Regular Post

France is being overrun by creepy clowns

It’s been a while since we checked on France. Anyone heard from them lately? What’s that? They’re being attacked by clowns? Uh oh.

Earlier this month, some clowns were showing up in northern France and creeping everyone the hell out. The French apparently did nothing, and now the clowns have spread to the south of France, too. Police keep arresting people, mostly teenagers, dressed as clowns. In some cases, they are carrying knives and other weapons.

Naturally, this has lead to a resistance movement within French society. They are fighting clowns wherever they see them, and are no doubt waiting for NATO forces to arrive.

| Posted in Regular Post

Secession Watch: South Florida (sort of)

You may not know this, but Florida is a pretty big state if you’re going north-south. Long, boring and meth-ridden. But maybe it will become two states.

South Miami city officials voted in favor of a resolution supporting that South Florida break off from the rest of the state. This shouldn’t be surprising, as South Miami probably voted out of Miami, which sounds like a stupid thing to do.

Surprisingly, they want to form their own state not for libertarian reasons, but environmental. The people are worried about rising sea levels, and don’t think that the state government in Tallahassee (in the armpit, we looked it up), will do anything about it.

If these guys are going to be under water soon, should we really make them their own state?

| Posted in Regular Post

Skinny jean pockets no longer a problem for the Chinese Apple user

Do you have an iPhone 6 or 6+? Do you wear skinny jeans? Do you have a bent iPhone? Fear not, intrepid reader, as the scourge that was Bend-Ghazi is no longer a problem for you!

As long as you live in China.

And as long as you work for China Unicom.

A photo going around the internet has raised rumors that the telco has hired an in-house tailor to enlarge pockets so that employees won’t have to worry about their utterly gigantic and morbidly obese phone being subject to the laws of metal being warped because they have to wear fashionable jeans at their place of employment.

| Posted in Regular Post

The ice cream that supports hazing

If there’s one thing we’ve learned from social media this year, it’s that bullying isn’t cool anymore. And a form of bullying is hazing. It comes as no surprise that those jocks at Ben & Jerry’s are big proponents of picking on the freshmen.

One Vermont family has taken offense to the ice cream flavor “Hazed & Confused,” which has hazelnut in it, because it sounds like an all-out endorsement of hazing. A Ben & Jerry’s spokesman took a break from making interns do the elephant walk to tell reporters that the flavor is named after the movie.

This from the company that brought us the fat-shaming flavor “Chubby Hubby.”

| Posted in Regular Post

Crazy white lady does crazy white person thing

Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Latte has become a bit of a phenomenon. Arguably, it might be the thing that kicked off the “pumpkin-everything” craze that hits September through November for the past 5 years or so. We understand. We enjoy a nice pumpkin flavored beer. If people like the flavoring, like hyperbole, it’s fine in moderation.

But then, a crazy white lady had to do a crazy white person thing and go irrational. Sherry Lynn Gustafson apparently loves the Pumpkin Spice Latte more than her own kidneys, as she proceeded to buy 52 boxes of it from her local Starbucks. Gustafson states these will last her an entire year. Except

Gustafson plans to buy at least 30 more boxes.

Look forward to this story being updated with “Moline woman’s year of PSL joy hits midnight, turns back into pumpkin and dialysis.”

| Posted in Regular Post

Never trust your coworkers while you’re unconscious

The colonoscopy is one of the most feared things in a man’s life. It’s possibly more dreaded than death. But there are worse things can happen than the procedure itself.

For example, you can work at the surgery center where your colonoscopy is being done, and wake up wearing pink panties because your coworkers want to mess with you. That’s exactly what happened to one man in Delaware.

Understandably, he is suing for the “severe emotional distress” and loss of wages, though he probably should have waited until Movember to file it.

| Posted in Regular Post

Clowns don’t think TV show is very funny

Clowns are getting a bad name lately, and they’ve had enough of it. The new season of American Horror Story involves a serial killer clown.

It’s just another harmful stereotype being perpetuated on TV, according to the oddly named Clowns of America International. The clown group says that Twisty the Clown does nothing but fan the flames of coulrophobia, or fear of clowns.

Clowns can be creepy by themselves. They don’t need help from Hollywood.