Category: Regular Post

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Reviews: Plymouth Rock sucks

President Abraham Lincoln set Thanksgiving as an annual holiday back in 1863. He did it to inspire patriotism and keep more states from seceding. But instead we remember the Pilgrims, who were such tight-asses that even the super-religious England didn’t want them around anymore, and their first feast with Native Americans in what is now Plymouth, Mass.

While it’s true we’re off this week, please allow these real negative reviews of Plymouth Rock to tide you over. Makes you wonder why the Pilgrims bothered going there at all.

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Cookie Monster’s nearly 50 year reign of terror over

Unlike the Houston-area Cookie Monster, the Sesame Street Cookie Monster knows that he has to treat his addiction seriously before he violates the terms of Wally "Famous" Amos' restraining order again.
Unlike the Houston-area Cookie Monster, the Sesame Street Cookie Monster knows that he has to treat his addiction seriously before he violates the terms of Wally “Famous” Amos’ restraining order again.

After nearly 50 years of unimpeded cookie menacing, the Cookie Monster has been arrested where all depressing crime stories end: Houston, Texas. Police caught the Cookie Monster using surveillance video from one of over 30 fast food restaurants that he robbed in the past two months, demanding a cookie with the money at each one.

OK, so it’s not the Cookie Monster. The furry blue monster that we all know in love is in treatment at a cookie methadone facility on Sesame Street. He is in recovery and, according to CM himself, “take one day at time.” He’s now able to enjoy cookies in moderation, calling them “sometime food.”

So, we believe that the Houston-area Cookie Monster can be rehabilitated and perhaps one day teach kids how to count calories.

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Never tip a server who gives you crabs

Finally, you don't have to tip the person calling you out on our most easily exploitable physical features.
Finally, you don’t have to tip the person calling you out on our most easily exploitable physical features.

The United States is a country founded on and has thrived on deviating from accepted practices. It’s the basis of our economic system, capitalism, which rewards those who provide the best value to customers. (Well, except for slavery. In that case, it turned out that lower labor costs didn’t outweigh cheap cotton. Or sharecropping. Or child labor. Or disenfranchised women’s labor. Or … you get the idea. Otherwise, capitalism good.)

So, we wish all the best for Joe’s Crab Shack, which will be the first major restaurant chain to do away with tipping, opting instead to pay their wait staff an actual living wage of $14 an hour.

Why Joe’s Crab Shack? Simple: would you tip anyone who gave you crabs?

This is the opposite of Dick’s Last Resort, where you don’t tip the servers because it only seems like a good idea to pay to be insulted.

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In space, no one can hear you complain about bagpipes

Roommates can be annoying, even if you’re good friends with or are married to them. But the good thing is that you don’t have to stay cooped up with them if you don’t want to. You can leave your place for a while and cool off. But your options are limited if you’re on the International Space Station.

American astronaut Kjell Lindgren learned that one of his friends died recently, and did what anyone else in morning would do, annoy the hell out of his roommates. He played the bagpipes, an instrument known for its unpleasant sound and volume. To honor his fallen friend, Lindgren played “Amazing Grace” on some bagpipes he had sent up on a recent supply mission for this reason. That means he knowingly trapped his roommates thousands of feet above the Earth and made them listen to his music.

No one asked him to play “Space Oddity” for an encore.

h/t to Hunter S.

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Redskins finally show signs of defense … off the field

The Washington Redskins probably forget that they're not a high school team all the time.
The Washington Redskins probably forget that they’re not a high school team all the time.

The Washington Redskins may have one of the worst defenses in the NFL on the field, but that’s only because their all-star 150-pound public relations employees can’t stop the run.

Adidas set aside funds to help re-equip high school athletic programs that have elected — on their own — to change their mascots from Native American imagery and caricatures. It took less than a few hours for PR flacks from the team to issue a statement, accusing Adidas of hypocrisy and absurdity. This is even though Adidas’ decision for high schools does not affect the pro team in any way, and — again — they’re only helping schools that choose to change mascots on their own.

So, apparently the Washington Redskins official stance is that everyone must say “redskins” often, loudly and unapologetically. Which makes sense: if everyone else feels uncomfortable using the name, then eventually Dan Snyder’s team will be the last ones doing so like that racist grandpa who inevitably makes every visit weird.

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Ayatollah: ‘Death to America’ nothing personal, don’t make it weird

The Ayatollah also clarified that the tattoo on his chest is German for "death to Bart Simpson's encouraging people to eat pork and not cow."
The Ayatollah also clarified that the tattoo on his chest is German for “death to Bart Simpson’s encouraging people to eat pork and not cow.”

Ayatollah Ali Khamenei reportedly clarified for Iranian students that, when he says “Death to America,” it’s nothing personal and we (Americans) should probably stop making it weird. Sure, it sounds like a (very optimistic) death threat, but he means it as a way to encourage “death to U.S. policies and arrogance,” not to individual Americans per se.

He stressed, however, that when Americans say similar things, we really mean it and “will not hesitate” if given a chance to destroy Iran. (Thanks for giving us away, Sen. McCain.)

So, if you’re offended by Iran’s slogan of “Death to America,” you’re the real racist nationalist.

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Pharmacy gives kids bipolar medicine for Halloween

Did you know that they celebrate Halloween in Canada, too? It’s true. And unlike their so-called “Thanksgiving,” they celebrate Halloween on Oct. 31, just to be more like America.

One big difference is that they give out candy at pharmacies. That’s how trick-or-treaters were accidentally treated to some bipolar medicine. Authorities in Quebec City say a woman picked up some bipolar medicine for her son, but dropped it at the pharmacy. Another customer saw it and put it next to a candy jar. Somehow, an employee put the pills in with the candy.

Just another benefit of free health care.

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Your pumpkin is causing icebergs to melt

It’s nearly Halloween, and across the country, Americans are carving their gourds into geeky things in hopes of going viral for an hour, while others just draw a face and leave it at that. If you have a pumpkin, congratulations, you’re ruining the environment.

According to a report from the Department of Energy, pumpkins are making climate change worse. An estimated 1.3 billion pounds of rotting pumpkin meat will end up in U.S. landfills this year. And while making our landfills into big pumpkin pies might sound like fun, it turns out that all that rotting flesh is letting off methane as it disintegrates. And methane is a greenhouse gas.

Couple that with all of the smoke coming off of that little candle inside your jack-o-lantern, and you’ve got a climate change bomb, just as the devil wanted.

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Vampires are totally real, vampires say

Vampires walk among us, especially if we are in New Orleans. Apparently that place is crawling with them.

At least that’s what John Edgar Browning, a postdoctoral fellow at the Georgia Institute of Technology, tells us. The vampires he has met aren’t allergic to sunlight, they don’t have the power to turn into bats, and they aren’t sparkly. But they do say they need to ingest blood in order to feel right. There are around 5,000 self-proclaimed vampires in the U.S., and 50 of them live in New Orleans.

Some of them file their teeth down into fangs. They don’t mind using the V-word, probably because they want to take the negative connotation away and make it a term only they can use.

The problem is that we don’t know much about them because they want to draw blood, not attention. If we were all a little more sensitive we could learn about vampires, and maybe one day wolfmen–sorry–wolfpeople.

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‘Star Wars’ characters enter Ukrainian politics

We haven’t heard from Ukraine in a while. Last time we checked in, they were mad about their historic wine being served to Russian President Vladimir Putin and Silvio Berlusconi. Turns out that since then, they’ve gone over to the dark side.

In response to a new law requiring all symbols of the fallen communist regime to be removed, the city of Odessa turned a statue’s likeness from Vladimir Lenin to that of Darth Vader. Then things really got ugly. Over the weekend, Chewbacca himself was arrested while heading to the polls in Odessa, and apparently he was taking Darth Vader to vote.

The election results haven’t been released yet, but it’s been reported that, and this is true, Emperor Palpantine has been elected to a seat on the city council.