The colonoscopy is one of the most feared things in a man’s life. It’s possibly more dreaded than death. But there are worse things can happen than the procedure itself.
For example, you can work at the surgery center where your colonoscopy is being done, and wake up wearing pink panties because your coworkers want to mess with you. That’s exactly what happened to one man in Delaware.
Understandably, he is suing for the “severe emotional distress” and loss of wages, though he probably should have waited until Movember to file it.
Clowns are getting a bad name lately, and they’ve had enough of it. The new season of American Horror Story involves a serial killer clown.
It’s just another harmful stereotype being perpetuated on TV, according to the oddly named Clowns of America International. The clown group says that Twisty the Clown does nothing but fan the flames of coulrophobia, or fear of clowns.
Clowns can be creepy by themselves. They don’t need help from Hollywood.
U.S. First Lady Michelle Obama has launched yet another salvo to get Americans to eat a goddamn vegetable, just one, you lazy, unfit pieces of eligible voters. But, rather than suggest something that people have tried and don’t like, she’s trying to mystify meatavores with a new vegetable. The First Lady wants you to “turn-up for a turnip.”
Yes, the turnip. That purplish thing in salads that slides neatly through fork tines and makes up 1/4 of all rats diets in Ruby Tuesday dumpsters.
And of all the vegetables, this was probably the best one for a bumper sticker slogan. Although, who’s to say that the following won’t roll out in the near future?
A tractor-trailer was stolen. Though it’s recently been recovered, sadly, its cargo was found missing from the semi. See, that’s the most puzzling thing about the theft, because its cargo was 18 tons of Crisco.
For those that don’t know, Crisco is a century plus old brand of shortening. Its use has declined because people have discovered that using it falls squarely in the unhealthy side of the healthy/unhealthy debate. Like, injecting lard into your veins unhealthy.
That might be a hyperbole.
Regardless, for the authorities that live in St. Petersburg, there are two areas you might want to keep an eye on:
A item of great value that can only be accessed via a tight ventilation shaft.
A pie contest that allows multiple (and we mean MULTIPLE) entries from one person.
This past weekend, numerous calls in the San Joaquin Valley area were placed with emergency services, not because of an Ebola outbreak, but for a potentially more insidious outbreak: people dressed as clowns at night holding firearms or sharp objects.
It’s theorized that the outbreak is not necessarily a string of people coming up with the same original idea at the same time, but actually a copycat outbreak of clowns, with horror clown patient zero being the “Wasco Clown,” the Instagram account of someone with serious social interaction issues.
However, what’s not confirmed is that the aliens aren’t space aliens attempting to wrap us up in cotton candy and then drink us with a silly straw. And we at SeriouslyGuys would never advocate the wholesale and unwarranted slaughter of a people just because of what they look like. That said, clowns holding weapons are rarely people.
There are a lot of creative ways to quit your job. Sadly, many of us refuse to go through with our fantasies because we treasure the prospect of a referral. Then there are people who live out their fantasies, and end up going off the rails, so to speak.
Police say an disgruntled employee at a Wyoming coal mine did just that. According to authorities, Derek Skyler Brux worked at a rail line for a coal operation, and decided to steal a train. He challenged his boss to a game of chicken. He eventually found another train to hit while going only 10 mph, then he backed up and hit it again.
He was caught when he fled on foot after causing a lot of damage, but no injuries.
The Jim Beam commercial with Mila Kunis is supposed to be sexy and make me want to buy bourbon (as if I didn’t already). It doesn’t really have that effect on me. In it, she tells the camera how awesome bourbon is while wielding hot and sharp metal objects, and brands one barrel of Jim Beam with her name. She then threatens the barrel that she’ll be back for it in four years. This doesn’t seem like the place for an expectant mother. Guess she doesn’t have to worry about that anymore. If you were busy announcing a Baywatch movie this week, odds are you missed it.
On the next episode of Dallas
The Ebola outbreak in Africa has killed hundreds and sickened far more in Africa. It’s the worst outbreak ever. But Americans were safe from the virus until a man in Dallas was diagnosed with it this week. He told doctors over a week ago that he was feeling sick and had traveled to Africa, but was sent home with antibiotics instead. Now about 100 people, including school children, are being watched after having contact with the man. Everything really is bigger in Texas, including the f*%#-ups.
In the line of fire
This week, Julia Pierson resigned from her post as Secret Service director following a recent batch of security lapses in her agency, including a crazy guy with a knife getting all the way to the East Room after jumping the White House fence. Her testimony before a Congressional committee and her resignation were translated by the crazy guy who made up sign language at Nelson Mandela’s funeral.
His eyes were glassy from pool water
Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps was arrested and charged with driving under the influence in Baltimore this week after police caught him speeding early Tuesday morning. The incident isn’t Phelps’ first run in with the law. It’s not even his first DUI. Because of his legal problems, his sponsorship deals have gone from Wheaties to Beerios.