She ain’t heavy, she’s a mother
Posted on March 16, 2010
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It was speculated that the Guinness Book of World Records deliberately got rid of “fattest person” and “fattest pet” type records in order to avoid discouraging deliberately dangerous behavior.
Of course, the world tends to not include New Jersey in it (would you?). As such, Donna Simpson is on the road to fame!
And diabetes. And a heart attack. And infamy. And breathing problems. And a higher health insurance premium. And death.
Simpson, a resident of New Jersey, has decided to become the world’s fattest woman. She’s given no reason for wanting to be the bearer of that title, but, well … we’re just going to assume that it’s a New Jersey thing. Of course, she might be able to deduct her weekly grocery bill, $815, and this quest as a business expense, since she runs a Web site where viewers can watch her eat fast food.
I do believe that this might be the most f#$%ed up story on SeriouslyGuys yet.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorRomance and handcuffs
Posted on March 12, 2010
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It’s sort of spring outside, live is in bloom. And when what is the most romantic country in the world? Germany, of course. (Half credit if you said France.) The German language itself oozes romance, despite not actually being a romantic language. HA! Word play!
Somewhere in Germany, a woman awoke to the sound of someone breaking into her home after scaling to her balcony. She immediately called the police. When the authorities arrived, the man jumped down and ran off into the night. He was caught, bottle of wine in one hand and flowers in the other. It was the woman’s boyfriend.
Unfortunately, the boyfriend had an outstanding warrant, so he got carted off to jail. He gave the bottle of wine to his arresting officers. Such is love.
Written by Bryan McBournieSmoke ‘em up, Johnny!
Posted on March 11, 2010
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The Guys, long time supporters of inhaling almost anything that is deemed “bad for you” by “the establishment,” are proud to bring you this: smoking may be bad for you, but it will #### Parkinson’s up. Take that, Surgeon General’s warning.
Written by Bryan SchoolsGet’cher own piece o’history, right’chere!
Posted on March 10, 2010
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Want to own a piece of Baltimore history, a bit of gaming that helped unseat a mayor of the east coast city?
The city of Baltimore is auctioning off an Xbox 360 that prosecutors say then-mayor Sheila Dixon purchased with gift cards meant for the poor. For shame. And just how many gift cards does it take to make a purchase like that?
The Xbox 360, a single controller and copy of Need for Speed Carbon, are up for bid on eBay right now, with the price now moving at $650 (as of writing this post). Proceeds from the sale will go to Youthworks of Baltimore. The 360 was seized from Dixon’s home in 2008 after allegations of embezzlement surfaced against the mayor. A jury later found Dixon guilty and she resigned from office on February 4 of that year and was ordered to perform 500 hours of community service.
She also had to give up the Xbox 360.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorCome on in for 75 cent wings!
Posted on March 9, 2010
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If you like wings, you’re not alone. Buffalo, barbecue, etc., they are growing in popularity, and that’s actually not a good thing.
Because so many jerks out there like the same bar food that you do, the price of chicken wings is increasing this year. Wings have increased in price by 39% since the 1970s, even with inflation. Last year they cost $1.47 per pound. So we’ll see if gas or wings make it to $3 first.
This is now creating a market for my new idea: buffalo chicken feet!
Written by Bryan McBournieDisney unsure whether to sue
Posted on March 8, 2010
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Anyone that’s been to Disneyworld has seen the “It’s a Small World” ride, where a boat on a track takes the riders around while creepy animatronic dolls dressed as children from around the world incessantly sing the same song alllllllllll throughout the entire ride. It’s fun enough when you’re a kid, boring as an adult and possibly nightmare inducing no matter what age you are, but nevertheless, they’re just dolls, right?
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorTo put it lightly, you’re simply awful
Posted on March 8, 2010
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Simon Cowell is engaged, and contemplating breeding. Not only should you fear for your intelligence, but for the future of cable television.
Written by Bryan SchoolsMilk: it does a misdemeanor good
Posted on March 8, 2010
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Ladies, out of pepper spray? No time to train with a hand gun? Never got around to the ass-kicking portion of Tae Bo? Never fear, apparently breast milk can be your defense as well.
Written by Bryan SchoolsIt’s fake reefer madness
Posted on March 5, 2010
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The only thing worse than drugs are fake drugs. No, really-that’s what science tells us today!
It’s perfectly legal to buy fauxijuana “incense” blends (heck, you can do so over the internet), but according to Anthony Scalzo of Saint Louis University, smoking so-called “K2″ blends can result in hallucinations and other unexpected, not-so-mellow reactions in its users:
K2 may be a mixture of herbal and spice plant products, but it is sprayed with a potent psychotropic drug and likely contaminated with an unknown toxic substance that is causing many adverse effects. These toxic chemicals are neither natural nor safe.
Now, some quick things:
1.) If you’re buying fake jazz cigarettes over the internet, you probably shouldn’t.
2.) If you’re smoking fake jazz cigarettes you bought over the internet, you definitely shouldn’t.
3.) If a cooler, rebellious kid offers you a K2 doobie, just say no – he’s neither cool nor rebellious. If he was halfway decent, he would have hooked up with a crazy hippy already by now.
In sum, if you have to resort to getting high from legal (albeit extremely psychotropic) herbs you bought from Amazon.com, you might as well be eating a bowlful of oregano.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorBecause, you know, they need the money
Posted on March 5, 2010
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In a move that makes us scream “MORAL VICTORY,” but mostly “who gives a ####?” The New York Yankees’ postseason winnings were miscalculated (A-Rod’s cousin probably did the math) so now each member of last year’s championship team must give back $10,000 of their earnings.
Unconfirmed reports say that the Yankees will use the money to attempt to buy the one thing they haven’t been able to yet, a soul.
Written by Bryan Schools keep looking ยป