Take pride, America: We’ve got a record stockpile of cheese

We’re only a day away from the most American holiday other than Black Friday: Independence Day. And while there are a lot of patriotic articles out there spouting tired old facts, here’s a new one: the U.S. has the most cheese stockpiled right now than it likely ever has.

According to a USDA report, America has some 1.385 billion pounds of cheese reserves, you know, in case there’s a run on pizzas. That number is higher than any level known since the cheese stockpiles started being recorded in 1917. That should make every American swell with pride, or Wis Pride.

This cheese is my cheese, this cheese is your cheese, from Monterey jack to Vermont sharp cheddar.

IKEA free gun giveaway scuttled

IKEA is a rough place. You’ve got hundreds of people all crammed into one long line of showrooms, figuring out what furniture they want to assemble, use and leave when they move out of their apartment. Fights are bound to happen in a situation like that, and that’s why you need to be strapped.

In Indiana, a child found a gun lodged in a couch at IKEA, and probably some change. The kid took out the gun and fired it, as one does. Fortunately, no one was hurt in the incident, and the store remained open, the people’s access to Swedish meatballs was not infringed.

The store claims that a man carrying the gun sat down on the couch and didn’t realize when it fell off of him. But it’s pretty obvious that IKEA is putting guns in their showrooms to get people in the door. Hurry on over to your local store before the free guns are gone.

Tokyo soccer fans all flush during halftime

The World Cup is going strong, and in Tokyo, soccer fans decided to go strongly, and all at the same time, during a recent match.

The city’s plumbing system was put to the test at halftime as Japan played Colombia. Fans across the city collectively decided to hold it for the better part of an hour, then they all unleashed the fury after the first half. The mass migration to the bathroom caused Tokyo’s water usage to rise 24%, and then after the game, it rose 50%.

As we understand it, there are several more games to be played, so the city will be put to the test several more times in the days ahead. Let’s hope everyone has a safe go of it.

Coming soon to N.Y.: Beer floats

Summer is most decidedly here. And the residents of New York may soon have a new way to cool off this summer, if the state government gets its act together.

The New York state Senate recently passed a bill that would allow the sale of beer or hard cider with ice cream. This dream come true now heads to the state Assembly, where many thirsty onlookers believe it will pass. Apparently the state already allows wine and ice cream to be sold together, but that sounds gross.

If selling ice cream and beer becomes law, that means New Yorkers are that much closer to buying a Jack and Coke float. Dare to believe.

It’s getting so you can’t fly with a sex doll anymore

Here’s a tip to anyone planning a bachelor party: don’t start the party until you arrive at the destination.

This week, a drunk guy with a sex doll caused a Belfast-bound plane to be diverted to France. According to reports, the bachelor party was already pretty loaded when they boarded the plane, and it didn’t get any better. The group was pretty rowdy and verbally abusive. When one of the group’s members was denied a drink, he got worse. It probably also didn’t help that he had a sex doll sitting with him.

The man was arrested when the plane landed in France.

Oven shoots man

How much do you trust your appliances? Probably too much.

An Ohio man was shot by his oven earlier this week, and police have yet to arrest it. According to reports, the 44-year-old man put his gun in the broiler compartment of his oven — as standard gun safety protocol dictates — because his girlfriend and her children were coming over to the house. Later, the girlfriend decided to use the oven, and minutes later, shots rang out.

The heat from the oven cause bullets in the man’s gun to explode. He was hit by bullet fragments in each shoulder as he tried to secure his firearm. He was the only one injured and is expected to recover.

Authorities have been unable to determine why the oven turned on its owner.

There is no reason for civilians to own bassoons

If you think you can just walk around in public carrying a bassoon in Ohio, think again. The law is going to come knocking.

Ohio has tough anti-woodwind laws in place that are being challenged in court, but for now they are still on the books. Recently, a New England Conservatory student home on break decided to play his bassoon outdoors. He sat on the trunk of his car and began playing scales. A few minutes later, the cops showed up. Someone reported a man with a long rifle sitting on his car.

Luckily, the police didn’t overreact. They slowly made their way over to the student until he was disarmed. We can only hope that he’s rotting in jail.

Live free or *burp* die

Americans love beer, although, not as much as we used to. Still, as a country we value cracking open a couple and watching the game. Or cracking open a couple and relaxing on the beach. Or cracking open a couple and complaining about our spouse or boss to anyone within earshot. We like beer. But which state likes beer the most?

According to recent data, New Hampshire likes beer the most, drinking some 40.6 gallons per capita. The Midwest dominates the rest of the top five, with Montana at 39.4, North Dakota at 38.3, South Dakota at 38.2, and Wisconsin at 34.3. Maine comes in sixth at 33.8, Nebraska at 33.3, Nevada at 32.9, Vermont at 32.8, and Texas at 31.8.

At the time this data was collected all of The Guys lived in Virginia. So we promise you we’ll try harder to represent our great state for next year’s stats.

Holy crap! Another sh*tty runner?

The law doesn’t care how many “26.2” stickers you have on your car: keep it in your pants, runners.

Back in September, we reported on Colorado Springs’ Mad Pooper, a runner who defecated in public on a frequent basis during her jogs. Nobody caught her, although she apparently stopped after making the news.

BUT! Police did catch a different defecathlete in New Jersey. We call him: the Pooperintendent.

Police and staff at Holmdel High School caught the Superintendent (eh?) of a neighboring school, Thomas Tramaglini, allegedly brown-handed after finding poop daily on their track. We have no word whether Holmdel track coaches included his pinch times during laps.

He has been charged with lewdness and, hilariously, littering. So, let that be a warning, fellow runners: give a flip, don’t take a sh*t.

China will wet your pants for jaywalking

China is getting tough on jaywalking. In the sense that taking your picture and making your pants wet is getting tough.

The iron fist of Red China is coming down on people who cross the street against the traffic light, at least in the city of Daye. Authorities have set up sensors at major crosswalks that have facial recognition, and will spray you about waist level if you try to walk on red.

China, you’ve gone soft. You used to brutally crack down on lawlessness and rebellion. Now you control your people with gags that belong on TruTV.