Category: Regular Post

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SeriouslyGuys: now with larger penises

Thanks to the U.S. Supreme Courts ruling that online businesses can distribute false data, The Guys can now legally type with both hands again. Doubled (fallacious) productivity!
Thanks to the U.S. Supreme Courts ruling that online businesses can distribute false data, The Guys can now legally type with both hands again. Doubled (fallacious) productivity!

Since the death of Justice Antonin Scalia, the U.S. Supreme Court doesn’t decide a lot these days, and will probably continue to send most cases back to lower courts until President Trump appoints Judge Judy to take his place. But, the court managed to side 6-2 along political lines with business one last time to screw over consumers, sort of like pouring one out for their lost homey.

The highest court in the land ruled on Monday that businesses are not legally responsible for distributing false information online unless plaintiffs can prove “actual injury in fact,” and not just potential injuries they might not know about. In this particular case, the plaintiff was listed in a “people search platform” run by Spokeo with completely false data. That data could be used by credit companies, potential employers, private investigators and future dates, but unless he knew for sure that they did, in fact, withhold services and/or kisses based on that data, Spokeo is completely off-the-hook.

So, since online companies are not obligated to share the truth with customers, we here at SeriouslyGuys would like to state for the record that everything said in our blog is 100 percent factual, including that it was totally our wives’ idea to open up our marriages. Also, that Chief Justice John Roberts shares a bungalow in Belize with Samuel Alito and Clarence Thomas, where they snort cocaine off of dead interns using¬†the rolled up dissents of Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Sonia Sotomayor. (Prove the actual damage, your honors.)

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‘Free hug’ guy gives tourist free knuckle sandwich

Times Square is a horrible place. It’s a shiny, ad-filled wonderland lined with stores selling overpriced goods and shady people in costumes charging for pictures. It is the perfect embodiment of New York. That’s why it’s also where a hug can turn into a fight.

For some reason, people go to Times Square even though it’s not New Year’s Eve. One such person was a Canadian tourist. She found a man with a sign advertising free hugs. Being Canadian, of course the tourist went in for a hug. When the hug ended and the photo was taken, things got ugly. The free hug man demanded a tip from the woman and she refused. According to authorities, that’s when the guy who had been all about love just a minute earlier, punched the woman in the face before running off.

Welcome to America, eh?

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Why don’t young folks like nudist camps?

Nudism just doesn’t have the draw with the youth like it used to, at least according to one nudist camp in Canada.

In the 1970s, the Van Tan Club in British Columbia boasted a membership of around 150 people. Today, they’re a third of that, and they’re mostly Baby Boomers. Members there say the younger generations just don’t seem to be into nudism like they are. They say young folks could do with some positive messages about their bodies, but the Boomers can’t seem to reach them.

Perhaps the problem is that no one wants to hang out with old naked people.

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Pregnant woman eats bricks

Nom nom nom.
Nom nom nom.

Pregnant women get some weird cravings, if TV and movies are any indication. But typically, these cravings are limited to things that are actually food.

In England, one woman has a taste for pieces of her own house while she was in the family way. She was forced to admit that she had been eating crushed up bricks, mortar and dirt from the exterior of her house when her baby’s father said he was going to report the need for repairs to their landlord.

The lesson here is that if your house needs repairs, blame the pregnant woman first.

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Number one seller of Crocs installing fancy door men again

Walmart is adding the "greeter" phase back to American lifecycle.
Walmart is adding the “greeter” phase back to American lifecycle.

We didn’t notice it, but at some point, Walmart stopped posting greeters at the entrance of their stores. Maybe because we were trying to avoid eye contact with them.

Well, they — and the social awkwardness they stir up in us when we just want salve-labored produced kitchen ware — are coming back. Walmart announced that they will add 9,000 more employees, many of which will be moved to the front of the store to order you to have a nice day when you come in and check your receipts for stolen crap when you leave.

And they’ll be right by the door, judging us for being grown-ups riding the quarter-fed horsey ride out front.

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KFC wants you to eat nail polish

We don’t like shaming people these days, unless it’s shaming the shamers. And then there are some who shame the shamers of the shamers. But aside from that, Americans see shaming as bad. That’s why we can’t make fun of KFC’s newest offering.

In an announcement we are forced to assume is real, KFC has worked with McCormick to introduce a flavored nail polish. You can now paint your nails, and lick them for that secret blend of herbs and spices any time you want. We have to assume the nail polish has to dry first.

So let’s not make fun of people who bite their nails for now having a flavor to enjoy. Let’s not mock people who buy this, because wearing nail polish shouldn’t be a gender-specific thing. An otherwise toxic product that has fast food flavoring is officially the most American product, but it’s only being released in Hong Kong.

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Villagers find sex doll, think it’s an angel

The people of a largely remote island in the Indonesia thought she had fallen from Heaven.

The Indonesian government heard that a village had found what they believed to be an angel. Citizens dressed her in new clothes daily and posed her in different ways. She had been found by a local elder, and essentially worshiped for weeks after.

When government officials arrived, they quickly learned that it was no angel, just a sex doll.

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English monument collected tons of pigeon poop

England is covered in historical stuff. You can’t walk two metres without hitting a pub that some dandy drank a hogshead of ale at some six centuries ago. But not everything old and historical is worth it.

A monument dating back to medieval times was due for its once-a-millennium cleaning, and experts found it was filled with about 28 tons of pigeon crap stacked three feet high. The towers on the Landgate Arch has no roof. That means they are basically open pits for birds. The cleaners had trouble opening the door to the tower because of the weight of the pigeon poop inside. They said the interior was “like walking on a giant chocolate cake,” only it didn’t smell like cake.

Hope you weren’t eating just now.

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War on Easter dealt major blow

Back in March, we told you about a mall Easter Bunny in New Jersey who was arrested after a fight with some mall patrons. Today we’re a step closer to witnessing an Easter miracle.

Authorities have reduced the charges against the Easter Bunny from simple assault to aggravated assault. That means that the giant rabbit, who is known to the courts as Kassim Charles, faces a maximum of six months in prison, whereas before he was looking at serving 5 years.

This means that even if he’s convicted, he’ll be out in plenty of time to bring you your Easter basket next year.