Category: Regular Post

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Chinese at war with the Colonel

Patriotism looks weird, whether directed at a KFC or a Dixie Chicks concert.
Patriotism looks weird, whether directed at a KFC or a Dixie Chicks concert.

It was only a matter of time before there would be casualties from China’s supervillain-esque plot to conquer the South China Sea by filling it in with dirt and cheap pharmacy toys. Of course, we don’t mean the fish and reef wildlife displaced, crushed and bleached to death — we’re at war with animals first and, last we checked, the Chinese are humans.

No, we’re aghast that — in response to a U.N. tribunal calling China’s artificial island program environmentally disastrous and, worse, not an legal means to claim more maritime territory — the Chinese people are lashing out at the two most American people they can: Apple and KFC. (Corporations are people, after all.)

Chinese demonstrators are smashing their iPhones (which their slave labor built) and boycotting KFC. In the Chinese patriots’ defense, though, the Colonel’s creepy, smiling portrait is the closest thing the U.S. has to a military presence in their country.

And, really, they’re not wrong. If fried chicken doesn’t represent the U.S., then what does? It’s just a little weird to us Americans because we don’t rage at any fast food restaurant until they issue an opinion on homosexuality.

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Bacon: The tastiest weapon of all

Bacon has enjoyed a long reign. Countless memes sing its praises online, and it keeps getting added to different foods. It’s the pumpkin spice of the meat world. Here in the U.S., it kills people slowly. But did you know it can also be a more immediate weapon?

In England, an 86-year-old woman was doing some grocery shopping when, according to authorities, a younger woman stopped her and demanded her money. The old woman took a packet of bacon and struck the would-be thief, scaring her off.

We should mention that guns aren’t allowed over there, so citizens have to get creative when it comes to self-defense.

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U.K. adult film actress denies she is new prime minister

Things have gone a bit sideways in the U.K. lately. First, the tinfoil hat crowd voted the country out of the EU, then the mayor of London, the male British equivalent of Sarah Palin, was made foreign secretary. Worst of all, an adult film star may be the new prime minister.

Theresa May was just made the prime minister of the United Kingdom of England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and Narnia. But a lot of people don’t know how to spell her first name. This has led to British porn star Teresa May adamantly refuting reports that she now runs the country.

But we all know “Teresa May” isn’t her real name. It’s probably Theresa May.

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Shave and a haircut: 10,000 bits

It costs $11,000 a month to maintain Bruce Willis circa 1992 hair.

French media discovered that President François Hollande spends nearly €10,000 to keep his hairdresser around. Hollande’s spokesperson, Stephane Le Foll, said that this is to help preserve the hairdresser’s income since he had to “abandon his salon” and often accompanies the French president on trips abroad.

See? This is a prime example of how differently socialism can play out in different societies. In France, hair is a right that is distributed from each according to his ability to each according to his needs. And Hollande, as someone who lacks ability to grow his all the way to his forehead needs more hair care, lest he look like Hulk Hogan.

French media’s handling of this story, which they’re calling “Coiffeurgate” proves one thing: by adding “-gate” to any minor issue of presidential peccadillos, they’re ready to hang with the Big Dawgs of western journalism.

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Pokemon Go to hell

There’s a major problem in society today. Normally, The Guys try to stay away from politics, because unlike other blogs, we know we’re just making stuff up. But this problem is so big, and such a threat to the future of the U.S., we need to make a stand. The problem of course is Pokemon Go.

Last week, the augmented reality smartphone game by Nintendo was released, and people who alternate between trying to relive their childhoods and complaining about the ruining of their childhoods could not have been happier. Across the US, people discovered what their legs are for, and it predictably went horribly wrong. Many Pokemon Go players are reporting injuries from walking around in the real world and not watching where they are going. Some reports say the game was used to rob people. Also, the game has turned the National Sept. 11 Memorial in New York into a hot spot for the game.

This game is stupid, hurtful and dangerous. Undoubtedly, it will enjoy great success in America.

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One second to madness and joy

Leap Dave Williams will only appear in a single frame flash like Tyler Durden in Fight Club.
Leap Dave Williams will only appear in a single frame flash like penises in Fight Club.

This year saw the return of the Leap Day and, with it, one day to live without consequences or regrets. (Unless, of course, you got engaged to that guy who wouldn’t ask you, ladies.) It’s a day of celebration, especially for people in their late twenties/early thirties who officially turned four-years-old on Feb. 29th. And now we’re also getting an extra second of New Years Eve!

To correct for the Earth’s slowing rotation, scientists will add one second to the tail end of Dec. 31, meaning the New Year won’t begin until immediately after 11:59:60.

Remember: anything that happens at Leap Second doesn’t count. Reality’s for 12:00:00, Jan. 1, 2016.

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Marines forced to actually name what people do

The Marine position of Aquaman will remain the same, but only because both the Navy and Marvel Comics threatened to sue if they changed it to Submariner.
The Marine position of Aquaman will remain the same, but only because both the Navy and Marvel Comics threatened to sue if they changed it to Submariner.

Now that many combat jobs in the military are now open to women, the brass found that many of their job titles — especially in the Marines — were kind of stupid. As in, rather than describe what certain positions do, they followed the superhero formula of [noun]+man. For instance, a Marine that fires antitank missiles was officially called “Antitank Missileman,” or a Marine that searches for and finds reconnaissance was called “Reconnaissance Man.”

So, Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus decided to rename 19 of those positions to be gender neutral and, in our opinion, less B-list Justice League. Antitank Missileman will now be an Antitank Gunner, which makes sense because we don’t shoot missile-shaped men at tanks … not since the Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary of Defense days, anyway. Reconnaissance Man is now Reconnaissance Marine, which is somewhat better, but not nearly as cool as McConaissance Marine, a position that should come with a combat-modified amphibious Lincoln.

Rifleman and Mortarman will not change, however, mostly because, man, those are the coolest and also because — like Pikeman or Swordsman — it’s only a matter of time before they’re replaced with Ray Gunner and Proton Grenadier.

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Bernie supporters to fart at Clinton’s acceptance speech

For over a year the Democrats have patted themselves on the back for having a civil and intelligent primary season, compared to the dick-joke fest hosted by Republican presidential hopefuls. Finally, we get to see that all change.

Bernie Sanders supporters plan to protest Hillary Clinton’s nomination acceptance speech by farting a lot. A Philadelphia-based poverty activist says she will invite delegates won by Sanders, supporters of Sanders and even the disheveled one himself, to attend a bean-heavy dinner during the Democratic National Convention in July. The attendees can then head over to the event and protest Clinton’s win by farting a lot.

The smelly protest may go unnoticed, however, as the convention is being held in Philadelphia.

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Mars needs women! (No fat chicks)

Alright, Mars: is it moderation if we eat your candy over a dollop of frozen yogurt?
Alright, Mars: is it moderation if we eat your candy over a dollop of frozen yogurt?

When it comes to junk food, we’re used to companies disregarding our actual health to convince us to eat only their products and as much of them as possible. For instance, Jack’s Links telling us that beef jerky’s how professional athletes build muscle mass or Gatorade saying we haven’t defeated dehydration until Lemon-Lime seeps out of our pores.

So, it comes as a surprise that Mars, the company responsible for M&Ms, Snickers and Skittles, wants out of the fast food dessert market. They want to discontinue providing their candy for McDonalds McFlurries, Dairy Queen Blizzards and Burger King Snicker Pies because we allegedly eat too much of it. (No word if they plan to stop The Guys from stuffing Skittles into Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and shooting them with root beer floats.)

Mars is ducking out of fast food desserts to convince people to eat sweets in moderation — and this is news to us, but, apparently, combining ice cream and candy isn’t moderation.

Well, you’re not the boss of us, Mars! (Not until our manned space program finally provokes your intergalactic overlords on the red planet.) We can buy our own candy and sprinkle it into our own ice cream. And, if your goal was to raise your stock by making us eat more candy in protest, then you win!

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HD goes AC/DC

By 2021, Harley-Davidson hopes to find a designer for their electric bike who's never seen Tron.
By waiting until 2021, Harley-Davidson hopes to find a designer for their electric bike who’s never seen Tron.

We pretty much all agree that it would be better to go electric for cars. But, there are a couple of humps to get over: the batteries need to charge faster and deliver better mileage — or, at least give us enough miles so that we can justify waiting three or more hours to start travelling again. (Provided we don’t forget to plug our car in overnight or accidentally turn off the power strip like we do with our phones.) Also, electric designs need to make up for certain features we expect for certain gas-burning models.

Case in point: Harley-Davidson announced that they plan to launch an all-electric line of bikes by 2021. They’ve had a prototype in testing since 2014, but it can only deliver 55 miles to the charge in “cruise” mode, or 33 in “normal, organ donor” mode, and takes three and a half hours to charge up again. They hope that, by 2021, the batteries will be better.

And by “better,” we’re sure they mean louder. Otherwise, a lot of bikers are gonna lose their voices making sure we notice how badass they look.