Batman takes down guy stealing DVDs from Wal-Mart

Your average Wal-Mart is a pretty crazy place. And it’s not just the constant animal attacks. So naturally, that’s where you’d find Batman.

In Fort Worth, Texas, a man picked the wrong store to steal DVDs from. He was trying to get away with a bunch of movies, including The Lego Batman Movie, when the Caped Crusader himself swooped in and arrested him. Damon Cole is an officer with the Fort Worth police, and he dressed up like Batman and other superheroes visiting area children battling illnesses. (Apparently Fort Worth keeps its sick kids inside a Wal-Mart?)

The suspect was only charged with a citation because the total value was less than $100 and was released uninjured after a selfie with the Dark Knight. That’s how you know he’s not the real Batman.

Man getting away from wife robs bank, is sentenced to house arrest

After decades of marriage, some people start to resent their spouse, or at least that’s the cliche. Rather than just splitting up, some people go to extreme measures to get away. Sometimes those backfire.

Last fall, a 70-year-old man robbed a bank, only he didn’t leave the bank once he got the money. Instead, he sat in a chair and waited for the police to arrive. He told the cops he wanted to go to jail so he could get away from his wife. This is true.

We’re bringing this up the better part of a year later because this man was given his sentence for the bank robbery this week. The judge sentenced him to six months house arrest for his crime.

This could be cruel and unusual punishment.

Pilot says both engines may not work, seeks vote on taking off

Airline pilots have rough jobs. They have to go through a ton of training, they work long hours, and they have to be on planes with other people. That’s why we shouldn’t be surprised when they honestly consider taking off in a broken plane.

Passengers on a flight from Malaga, Spain to Bristol, U.K. were surprised when their pilot asked them after boarding if they wanted to vote on whether to take off because there was only a 50/50 chance of both engines working. For those of you who aren’t great at probability, that meant that there was a very good chance the plane would only have one working engine for the flight.

Shockingly, the passengers reacted negatively, and a bit panicked at the thought of traveling on a broken plane. But the good news here is that a vote that mattered had a high turnout rate.

Pot pizza is here. Finally, a pizza for people who smoke weed

Medical marijuana has been on the rise throughout much of the country, even in Puritanical old Massachusetts. And while there has been no shortage of gimmicks looking to cash in on the trend, one place finally has a good idea.

A Massachusetts marijuana dispensary is now selling pizza laced with weed. For just $38, you can get a cheese pizza made with pizza sauce that contains THC, which is the compound in weed that gets you high. The pot pizza is only six-inches, which means when you get the munchies, the pizza’s not going to do it for you.

Finally, we don’t have to choose between New York-style or Chicago-style pizza. All the cool kids are ordering Boston-style.

Add R.I. rotting clam road to your summer road trip

Neighbors are the worst part of owning a house, aside from having to share your house with members of your own family. But what’s worse is when a neighbor gets creative with rotting seafood.

In Rhode Island, a man’s neighbors are upset because they say he built an access road using unwashed clam shells. This isn’t terribly uncommon in seaside locations, crushed up shells are a cheap and easy material for roads. However, the shells being used typically have been cleaned and have no meat in them.

The neighbors say since the man laid down the clam shells a week earlier, the whole area has smelled like rotting seafood. They can see clam meat on the shells and maggots feasting on it.

Neighbors are terrible, but the good news here is that thousands of clams were killed to build the road, and you can drive over them any time you want.

Burger King’s war for Belgian throne is over

As suddenly as the Belgian Civil War began, it ended. Earlier this week, we told you that Burger King was attempting to unseat Belgium’s King Philippe in its latest ad campaign. The king of Belgium had issued a warning in response.

Apparently the monarch of hamburger patties served on a bun doesn’t have the army to unseat the Belgian sovereign. The company said it was ending its ad campaign about who is king of Belgium after a “conversation” with the royal palace.

Burger King backed out so far that it even removed the word “king” from its logo on the campaign’s site. We now assume that the Burger King has been arrested on high treason charges.

Robot priest wants to bless you before machine uprising

Robots are taking our jobs. But they’re coming for our souls, too.

Centuries ago, Martin Luther broke from the Catholic Church in Wittenburg, Germany. It’s fitting that this same town is also host to the break from Christianity for humans. A church in town has decided to employ a robot to bless people.

BlessU-2 looks like it was made in Japan in the 1980s by someone who had never seen what a priest looks like. Its hands light up, and it can give blessings in a male or female voice, depending on the churchgoer’s sexism.

The church housing RoboPriest insists that BlessU-2 will not put human priests out of business. They expect us to just take it on faith alone.

Burger King trying to unseat Belgian monarch

Belgium, Europe’s favorite place to fight major wartime battles, has a royal family. This may come as a surprise to many in the U.S., because we like to obsess over the British royal family like a woman we broke up with but still miss. But the Belgian king now finds himself under attack from a foreign power that wants to unseat him.

Burger King in a new ad campaign is asking Belgian citizens to vote on who should be their king: King Philippe, or the Benevolent Dictator of Broiled Meats. Stubbornly, the sovereign has refused to let the people have it their way in the free, online election. In fact, the campaign has drawn the ire of the Belgian royal family, which issued a warning to Burger King to not use Philippe’s image in its advertising.

This could turn bloody.

Authorities turn up heat on hot yoga founder

In hindsight, we’re not sure how anyone didn’t assume he’s a date rapist.

Authorities are on the hunt for Bikram Choudhury, the founder and namesake of Bikram or Hot Yoga. You may have heard of this from someone casually dropping into an unrelated conversation that they do yoga. Well, that fitness name drop is ruined forever, because Choudhury is now basically the Bill Cosby of stretching.

A judge in Los Angeles has issued an arrest warrant for Choudhury, who may have fled a $7 million dollar sexual harassment and wrongful termination suit by his former attorney by leaving the country. The lawyer, Minakshi “Miki” Jafa-Bodden, claims that Choudhury fired her after refusing to cover up allegations that Bikram raped and sexually assaulted a yoga student.

Police are now unleashing the dragnet, believing Choudhury fled to Mexico after hiding his assets. But, that was their first mistake: by turning up the heat, they’ve made it easier for Bikram to slip through any traps.

Turkey: U.S. police interfered with standard institutional violence

Freedom isn’t free … ♩ ♪
As Americans, we often fail to recognize that what we call vital to free speech are not universal measurements. For instance, we defend the expression of the otherwise indefensible, like Richard Spencer doing god knows what with his mom’s backyard Tiki torches in the name of “white separatism” and statues that nobody wants anymore. Just as long as he doesn’t physically attack anyone. (Although, it’s fair game should anyone want to hit him. That’s what happens when you become a Nazi. Ask a German.)

This is probably a surprise to our ambassador to Turkey, who was called in by their Foreign Office to hear complaints about our police force trampling the free speech rights of their security forces to beat down protesters.

On May 16, local police reported that Turkish security officers charged at and started beating the pacifism out of protesters outside of their embassy in Washington, D.C. Nobody is claiming that didn’t happen because the whole thing was caught on video.

But, the Turkish government has taken umbrage with the “aggressive” way our security and local police forces got in the way of Turkey’s beatdown —  a perfectly normal expression by the Erdogan government back home.

Apparently, that’s where their free speech ends — right behind fists thrown by dudes in Oakleys. Tomato, domates, are we right?