Category: Regular Post

| Filed under Regular Post

They do say that in business, you should do what you love …

Snoop Dogg has cast off his Snoop Lion title and reverted back to his nomenclature of Snoop Dogg. The reason? Snoop Lion is a relaxed raconteur, but Snoop Dogg is a no-nonsense businessman. And a businessman is most needed, as he’s now here to provide a service for Californians: app delivery weed.

Snoop and his investment firm, Casa Verde Capital, have invested, along with others, in Eaze. The app is designed like Uber: push a button on your phone and within 10 minutes, marijuana is delivered to you. If Denny’s could do the same thing, stoners all around the state might never be happier.

| Filed under Regular Post

Mayor misappropriates taxpayer funds, doesn’t misappropriate them enough

We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: “Never half-ass something, full-ass it all the way.”

| Filed under Regular Post

Russia declares war on memes

Take a moment and be glad you live in a free country, where you can meme whatever you want to meme. Not everyone is so lucky.

Russia has just banned the creation of some types of memes, the best ones. In Russia, it is now illegal to make a meme featuring a celebrity’s picture if it has nothing to do with their personality.

Who would have thought there were enough Russians with senses of humor to create a problem big enough that Vladimir Putin’s iron fist would need to crush.

| Filed under Regular Post

NYC woman allegedly addicted to marriage, divorce not so much

Some people take the adage “if you don’t succeed at first, try, try again” way too seriously.

Liana Barrientos is alleged to have married 10 men in 10 years. What she’s not alleged to have done is divorce 9 men in 10 years. Or even 7 men in 10 years. Therein lies the problem. Police theorize that she’s taking part in legalization status marriages. SeriouslyGuys theorize that she has an extreme phobia toward obtaining divorce paperwork.

As the only single member of SG, I can’t begin to understand her logic.

| Filed under Regular Post

Cops doing record job of finding stolen property, not finding the thief

It sucks mightily when your property gets stolen. Oh, how it burns! And may the devil take the soul of the brigand that took your stuff! Luckily, the police are there to get your stuff back for you. What they’re not there for, apparently, is to catch the culprit.

Wednesday night, a thief managed to sneak into a dealership and skedaddle off with a car. Of course, given that the dealership is located in Indianapolis, the car that was taken was the official pace car for the Indy 500. Yup. The car was later found in another county, totaled. The car stealer was not found in another county … or at all.

Also on Wednesday, a family came up to their cabin in Washington only to find that it was gone. Completely. Vamoosed. The police later found the cabin, but let’s be honest: if a cabin can be lifted up and taken away without a sign, it’s not a cabin, it’s a slightly large refrigerator box. As always, the perpetrator of the theft has yet to be found, presumably running around the country with the killer of Nicole Brown Simpson.

| Filed under Regular Post

In Turkey, it’s OK to wipe

Big news in Turkey this week for those who poop.

According to the country’s Directorate of Religious Affairs, which is kind of the head of Islam there, it’s acceptable to use toilet paper for “cleaning,” provided that there is no water available to do the job. This is a big deal, because apparently there’s no consensus in the Muslim world on toilet paper.

When you stop and think about it, toilet paper is kind of the Imperial measurement system of butt-wiping. We know that Europe is all about the bidet, as apparently are most predominantly-Muslim countries. We should probably throw Asia in there, and the Aussies always go as the Brits do. Following that line of logic around the world, it’s basically just developing nations and us keeping the toilet paper industry alive.

| Filed under Regular Post

I mean, it’s bad enough being a Cubs fan

It’s not easy being a Chicago Cubs fan. The Cubs are a team that, through and through, manages to just foul up and make “this year” not “their year,” and that’s coming from someone who doesn’t even like baseball. That’s how famously bad they are!

As such, it’s understandable that Cubs fans would drink heavily at their games. Unfortunately, drinking tends to make a bladder less reliable, forcing the drinker to need to pee. Double unfortunately, so many Cubs fans were drinking so many beers due to the Cubs being so bad on Opening Day that the lines to use bathrooms at Wrigley Field were THE WORST.

Long lines at the bathroom and drunken fans needing to pee of course led to some fans using their plastic cups as a makeshift urinal. These would be the same plastic cups used to drink beer in. People, if you’re going to get beers at Wrigley Field, please, oh please, make sure that the beers are cold.

| Filed under Regular Post

Grass always greener when artificial

The drought currently happening in California (of which the post-title sequence in Furious 7 may potentially be a significant contributor) has been a major issue for people that don’t know how to have packages of bottled water or refill empty bottles via their tap. But in every disaster, there is something that is able to shine.

In the age of World War II, the arms industry began its ascent. During the Nixon impeachment trials, the sound-proofing industry lived again! With the bursting of the dot com bubble, the repo business had a second golden age.

And now the AstroTurf industry will see its return! Thanks to mandatory water shortages being enacted, people won’t be able to keep their lawns watered. But image-driven California won’t let their lawn not be green! As such, artificial lawn companies have been kept busy with rush and emergency orders. After all, success and happiness is measured with a green lawn.

| Filed under Regular Post

This just in: Julianne Moore doesn’t care a lot for Turkey

Stick with us, people. We’ve had a bit of the telephone game getting this information in, but from what we’ve heard via our sources, Turkey is no longer in love with Julianne Moore. Reportedly, the Academy Award-winning actress is rumored to be only a ‘pretend actress.’ Turkey paid her to be in a film, but found her acting to be poor.

Yes, the story is a bit confusing and more than a little unusual, but we’re pretty sure you can take away that Julianne Moore prefers ham or roast beef in her sub sandwiches.