Category: Regular Post

| Posted in Regular Post

Skinny jean pockets no longer a problem for the Chinese Apple user

Do you have an iPhone 6 or 6+? Do you wear skinny jeans? Do you have a bent iPhone? Fear not, intrepid reader, as the scourge that was Bend-Ghazi is no longer a problem for you!

As long as you live in China.

And as long as you work for China Unicom.

A photo going around the internet has raised rumors that the telco has hired an in-house tailor to enlarge pockets so that employees won’t have to worry about their utterly gigantic and morbidly obese phone being subject to the laws of metal being warped because they have to wear fashionable jeans at their place of employment.

| Posted in Regular Post

The ice cream that supports hazing

If there’s one thing we’ve learned from social media this year, it’s that bullying isn’t cool anymore. And a form of bullying is hazing. It comes as no surprise that those jocks at Ben & Jerry’s are big proponents of picking on the freshmen.

One Vermont family has taken offense to the ice cream flavor “Hazed & Confused,” which has hazelnut in it, because it sounds like an all-out endorsement of hazing. A Ben & Jerry’s spokesman took a break from making interns do the elephant walk to tell reporters that the flavor is named after the movie.

This from the company that brought us the fat-shaming flavor “Chubby Hubby.”

| Posted in Regular Post

Crazy white lady does crazy white person thing

Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Latte has become a bit of a phenomenon. Arguably, it might be the thing that kicked off the “pumpkin-everything” craze that hits September through November for the past 5 years or so. We understand. We enjoy a nice pumpkin flavored beer. If people like the flavoring, like hyperbole, it’s fine in moderation.

But then, a crazy white lady had to do a crazy white person thing and go irrational. Sherry Lynn Gustafson apparently loves the Pumpkin Spice Latte more than her own kidneys, as she proceeded to buy 52 boxes of it from her local Starbucks. Gustafson states these will last her an entire year. Except

Gustafson plans to buy at least 30 more boxes.

Look forward to this story being updated with “Moline woman’s year of PSL joy hits midnight, turns back into pumpkin and dialysis.”

| Posted in Regular Post

Never trust your coworkers while you’re unconscious

The colonoscopy is one of the most feared things in a man’s life. It’s possibly more dreaded than death. But there are worse things can happen than the procedure itself.

For example, you can work at the surgery center where your colonoscopy is being done, and wake up wearing pink panties because your coworkers want to mess with you. That’s exactly what happened to one man in Delaware.

Understandably, he is suing for the “severe emotional distress” and loss of wages, though he probably should have waited until Movember to file it.

| Posted in Regular Post

Clowns don’t think TV show is very funny

Clowns are getting a bad name lately, and they’ve had enough of it. The new season of American Horror Story involves a serial killer clown.

It’s just another harmful stereotype being perpetuated on TV, according to the oddly named Clowns of America International. The clown group says that Twisty the Clown does nothing but fan the flames of coulrophobia, or fear of clowns.

Clowns can be creepy by themselves. They don’t need help from Hollywood.

| Posted in Regular Post

Turnips get their six seconds of fame

Turnips are a great source of vitamin C and for getting rid of Shy Guys in your garden, pesticide-free.
Turnips are a great source of vitamin C and for getting rid of Shy Guys in your garden, pesticide-free.

U.S. First Lady Michelle Obama has launched yet another salvo to get Americans to eat a goddamn vegetable, just one, you lazy, unfit pieces of eligible voters. But, rather than suggest something that people have tried and don’t like, she’s trying to mystify meatavores with a new vegetable. The First Lady wants you to “turn-up for a turnip.”

Yes, the turnip. That purplish thing in salads that slides neatly through fork tines and makes up 1/4 of all rats diets in Ruby Tuesday dumpsters.

And of all the vegetables, this was probably the best one for a bumper sticker slogan. Although, who’s to say that the following won’t roll out in the near future?

  • “Cuss for asparagus.”
  • “Hoot for taro root.”
  • “Get hard for swiss chard.”
  • Something something kohlrabi.”
| Posted in Regular Post

‘Those bandits was the slipperiest ones we knew!’

A tractor-trailer was stolen. Though it’s recently been recovered, sadly, its cargo was found missing from the semi. See, that’s the most puzzling thing about the theft, because its cargo was 18 tons of Crisco.

For those that don’t know, Crisco is a century plus old brand of shortening. Its use has declined because people have discovered that using it falls squarely in the unhealthy side of the healthy/unhealthy debate. Like, injecting lard into your veins unhealthy.

That might be a hyperbole.

Regardless, for the authorities that live in St. Petersburg, there are two areas you might want to keep an eye on:

  1. A item of great value that can only be accessed via a tight ventilation shaft.
  2. A pie contest that allows multiple (and we mean MULTIPLE) entries from one person.
| Posted in Regular Post

Killer Klowns From Outer Space California

This past weekend, numerous calls in the San Joaquin Valley area were placed with emergency services, not because of an Ebola outbreak, but for a potentially more insidious outbreak: people dressed as clowns at night holding firearms or sharp objects.

It’s theorized that the outbreak is not necessarily a string of people coming up with the same original idea at the same time, but actually a copycat outbreak of clowns, with horror clown patient zero being the “Wasco Clown,” the Instagram account of someone with serious social interaction issues.

However, what’s not confirmed is that the aliens aren’t space aliens attempting to wrap us up in cotton candy and then drink us with a silly straw. And we at SeriouslyGuys would never advocate the wholesale and unwarranted slaughter of a people just because of what they look like. That said, clowns holding weapons are rarely people.

| Posted in Regular Post

One way to quit your job: steal a train

There are a lot of creative ways to quit your job. Sadly, many of us refuse to go through with our fantasies because we treasure the prospect of a referral. Then there are people who live out their fantasies, and end up going off the rails, so to speak.

Police say an disgruntled employee at a Wyoming coal mine did just that. According to authorities, Derek Skyler Brux worked at a rail line for a coal operation, and decided to steal a train. He challenged his boss to a game of chicken. He eventually found another train to hit while going only 10 mph, then he backed up and hit it again.

He was caught when he fled on foot after causing a lot of damage, but no injuries.