Category: Regular Post

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It’s still got better publicity than Seaworld

Orlando, Florida, is a hotbed of amusement parks. Disney World (and its four parts), Universal Studios, Seaworld, Holy Land, they’re all places take the family down for some good, family fun. And that’s not even including the numerous water parks. Well, get the minivan packed and ready because a new park is opening: Machine Gun America.

Okay, granted, it’s not the most news-friendly name, but the guts of the theme park are sound: children as young as 13 can, along with their parents, fire high-powered automatic weapons at targets, along with taking part in simulators. Also, all attractions are staffed with safety officers. That’s actually pretty smart and not dissimilar from what you see during some bachelor parties, just on a slightly larger scale.

Unfortunately, there are some people up in arms with this place, saying that it just doesn’t fit in with the family-friendly image and atmosphere of Orlando. Which is understandable. I mean, it’s not like anything would besmirch the good name of Florida.

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London sewers may not be able to handle the holiday traffic

When it comes to the holidays, Americans aren’t the only ones who gorge themselves. In fact, our former mother country tops us in it, so much so that they clog not just toilets, but sewers.

Every Christmas, or whatever they call it over there, the London sewer system gets even more clogged than usual with what can only be described as “fatbergs.” Everything remotely solid that Londoners flush or send down the drains daily, from fat left over from cooking, to wipes, to solid waste, congeals and causes sewers to slow down, even threatening them from over flowing. And it gets worse around the holidays.

Now try watching Love Actually.

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Ice resuracers: the assassins of the hockey rink

Hockey is not a game known for its grace. Despite numerous tricks and gimmicks by American networks, ratings and viewership of the game has gone down over the years. To be honest, it’s because people want to see the fights in it. The fights are the only thing that makes hockey more watchable than soccer. They’re closest we can get to nearly seeing a person murdered, but not actually being murdered.

That said, if you want to really get that experience of seeing a person nearly being murdered, you don’t have to watch the hockey game from your tv, you can experience it in a rink. Due to a faulty propane tank in an ice resurfacer, 81 people were slowly given carbon monoxide poisoning, thus bringing the experience to them. Granted, no one has died yet, but it’s probably not a stretch to call ice resurfacers the silent killer of hockey, taking that title away from the icing rule.

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You can get anything at Goodwill, even someone’s ashes

The holiday season is here, as it has been for the past three months. And you might be getting in the holiday spirit. You might think it’s a good time to donate to charity, like donating unwanted items to Goodwill. That’s great. Just remember, don’t donate human remains.

One Indiana family forgot that rule. Goodwill employees were sorting through a bunch of donated boxes when they came upon two small, white boxes containing someone’s ashes. You may not know this, but dead people’s ashes don’t sell very well, not even at a thrift store. Plus, the resale value of the boxes really drops after they’ve carried human remains.

So please, find another way to get rid of grandpa’s ashes. Maybe sprinkle them at his favorite bar.

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Welcome to the Great Potato Famine of 2014

Japan finally learns what it’s like to be Irish, minus the copious whiskey consumption, the heavy-handed Catholicism and potato cannon-esque discharge of babies.

Due to labor contract disputes happening on the West Coast of the good old U.S. of A, potatoes just aren’t shipping like they used to. Unions being unions have caused ports to shut down and Japan can’t get potatoes anymore. DUM DUM DUMMMMMM.

To counter the oncoming shortage, McDonald’s of Japan (“I’m loving it-desu!”) will only be serving small sizes of fries until who knows when. People there are apparently finding this disappointing. Japan, to call this disappointing news is not a positive move in the ledger.

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Whole grains have the last laugh

People, we find ourselves at an impasse. As you know by now, we are at war with animals, aliens and robots, and sadly, we might be on the precipice of another war: wheat and their by-products.

No, the entire human race has not succumbed to the sadness that is gluten-free, but it’s something just as sinister. Three laundry crates full of burnt bread mysteriously caught on fire, catching a tractor-trailer aflame. Employees said that putting burnt bread into the laundry crates was standard procedure. No one has volunteered any information for how the bread caught fire.

Look, if we’ve got bread that can spontaneously combust, we might have a problem. Better coat all bread in cream cheese and regular cheese in order to alleviate any chances of fire, just in case.

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Warning: Canadians may have weaponized snakes

Canadians really love their Tim Hortons. Canadians also apparently really love their breakfast sandwiches. Even more strangely, some Canadians REALLY love their diced onions.

What’s not weird is that Canadians apparently don’t love snakes. We understand that and value them for that. That’s why we’re not too surprised when a Canadian man, angry with not getting diced onions in his breakfast sandwich, proceeded to reach into his friend’s coat and throw a snake at the employees of a Tim Hortons.

Here’s what we can understand: do all Canadians just happen to have snakes in their coat pockets?

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Man down! Drone maybe down! Food never going down!

TGI Friday’s, that other chain box restaurant that’s not called Ruby Tuesday, Applebees or Shenanigans, decided last week to unleash a remote-control drone device that carries mistletoe around their Times Square location.

A small buzzing aircraft flying around a busy eatery that’s decided to force people to kiss? Perhaps even strangers? What could go wrong with that?

It turns out that mistletoe drones are just as bad as you’d expect something at TGI Friday’s to be. This week, one of them clipped a photographer, taking off the tip of her nose.

Drone operator David Quiones said an accident like this had never happened before

When your time frame, from start to the incident occurring, is all of 4 days, while it may be a technically true statement, it’s also one of those incredibly naive ones as well.

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Praise the Lord and pass the napkins

Many a man has sat in church wishing he was at the bar watching football and drinking beer. For the lucky patrons of a Buffalo Wild Winds in Birmingham, Alabama, now they can do both.

A local church will hold a service at one of the sports bar locations there. This should work well, because everyone’s attention will be on the minister, rather than the dozens of 72-inch TVs that run throughout the building. Plus, when the team is down, bow your head and pray. Jesus won’t mind if his blood is Coors Light instead of wine, right? The real challenge will be holding off on breaking the seal until the service is over.

This is going to get the guns-and-God crowd all confused.