Category: Regular Post

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Foodies pioneer new insufferable sensation

Ermergerhd, these lingonberries taste like I'm so much smarter than you.
Ermergerhd, these lingonberries taste like I’m so much smarter than you.

Just when it seemed that people who enjoy food better than you were running out of ways to work umami into everyday conversations, researchers gave them the savory shot in the arm they needed to douche-canoe up new streams. Umami is for poseurs; the real flavor is now in fat.

Fat joins umami as well as sweet, sour, salty, and bitter in the list of ways people who only cum over kale can categorize what’s just so damn amazing in their mouths right now. According to scientists, who apparently hate normal eaters, fat possesses a distinct flavor that impacts the way other ingredients taste all on it’s own.

But, there is a silver digestive lining to this artisanal chili with heirloom peppers fart cloud: the more fat these assh*les pour over their vegetables, the sooner we’ll be rid of them. And if we can get heroin declared the “mouth-feel” of 2015, even sooner.

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Here’s some crap you missed while we were out

We’re back after taking a week off, so there’s a lot to catch up on. You’re in luck if you’re hankering for some poop news, specifically, Nordic poop news.

In Norway, authorities are searching for a serial pooper. For a decade, the Stavanger Golf Club has found human feces and used toilet paper on certain holes. All they know is that the person rides a bike, because of tracks in the dew on the course, and that it’s a man. How could they know that?

“We know it is a man because the poos are too massive to be from a woman.”

Let’s move on to Iceland. A national park with an unpronounceable name has long suffered from a lack of public toilets. Unfortunately it had led to public defecation. Worst of all, most of the pooping seems to be going on in a church yard where some famous poets are buried. Yet another reason not to go into poetry.

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There are people out there who don’t want you to see monkeys riding dogs

Illinois is not a normal place.

Every year at the Lake County Fair, people flock to the “Banana Derby.” A race in which capuchin monkeys dressed as jockeys ride dogs. That’s not the weird part. The weird part is that there are people out there who want to end the derby for some reason. Animal rights activists are circulating an online petition calling for the cancellation of the race. For once, a county fair features something other than rickety rides, creepy carnies and fried everything. The fair has something that people want to see, and some jerks want to ruin the fun.

We are in control of the Earth, and that includes animals. To make sure these beasts know their place, we should be humiliating them for our entertainment. Ride on, monkey jockeys.

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More crap to deal with when you own a home

The problem with houses is that they’re stationary. When someone loses control of their car, a house can’t move out of the way.

In Pennsylvania, a truck failed to navigate a turn, headed off the road and into the first floor of a house. But it wasn’t just a truck, it was a septic truck. And to make it worse, it was leaking when emergency crews finally got it out.

Luckily, the homeowners, who had recently bought the house and returned from their honeymoon, weren’t home at the time. This is why you don’t buy a house.

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Venezuelan golfers may lead their country to war with Swiss

Things are tense right now in Venezuela, as golf balls could trigger an international incident.

Switzerland and Venezuela, natural enemies for as long as anyone can remember, appear to be on the brink of war because people can’t keep their drives in the fairway. The Swiss ambassador’s residence has been pelted with golf balls because it borders a hole at the Caracas Country Club. The ambassador has warned Venezuela that the Swiss people will not tolerate such an affront to their national pride, going to far as to post a sign warning that should an errant golf ball injure or kill anyone in Swiss territory, it would violate the Vienna Convention.

These are dark days. Let us all hope that the traditionally hawkish Swiss cool down, and Venezuelan golfers improve their aim.

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We’re losing the war on panty lines

According to a recent report, an industry widely considered vital to the U.S. economy is in peril, and it seems logical to fear for American jobs. It seems that thongs aren’t selling so well anymore.

Sixteen years after Sisqo’s four-minute-long commercial for them, thongs are struggling to appeal to a younger generation of women. In fact, sales are down 7%, while wider, less flattering forms of women’s underwear are up. And this in the revival of the booty. Clearly, the songs are telling women what part of their bodies are attractive, but they’re not telling women what to wear on that part.

We learned the harsh lesson of panty lines back in the 1980s. We can ill afford to go back to those dark days. Ladies, it’s up to you.

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Eva Braun’s panties are up for sale, if you’re into that sort of thing

There are just two-and-a-half weeks until Father’s day. Do you know what you’re going to give dear old dad? This year, why not get your father something from the Fatherland?

For just $7,500, you can own a pair of panties owned by Adolf Hitler’s wife, Eva Braun. According to the owners, the Nazi knickers were taken from the infamous Eagle’s Nest at the end of World War II by an American soldier. Today they’re in a thrift shop Elmore, Ohio, a small town outside of Toledo. They look authentic, right?

No doubt they’ll sell fast, since there are Germans all over the Midwest.

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Ho ho ho, dude

Why is Santa Claus always in such good spirits? Turns out he’s high all the time.

The city council of North Pole, Alaska (which really is a town) rejected a ban on medical marijuana shops within the city. During the council meeting, officials were no doubt swayed by the testimony of, and this is true, a North Pole resident named Santa Claus, who said he is a medical marijuana patient and doesn’t want to have to drive to Fairbanks.

“O Christmas Tree” has a whole new meaning.

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U.S. finally interested in soccer

The U.S. hasn't aggressively pursued charges against this many Europeans since Nuremburg, which now makes soccer the Indiana Jones of sports.
The U.S. hasn’t aggressively pursued charges against this many Europeans since Nuremburg, which now makes soccer the Indiana Jones of sports.

Just when it looked like America was going to have to pretend it still likes baseball while the other good sports take the summer off, here comes soccer!

Despite never caring about soccer to date, no matter what your DC United fan friend claims, our government finally found a reason to give a sh*t about that sport that’s like hockey, only without any of the parts that make hockey good. That reason? Arresting Europeans and f*cking over Russia.

U.S. law enforcement is looking into the culture of corruption that is world soccer management after Russia and Qatar appeared to buy the 2018 and 2022 World Cup locations. And also countless other bribes, money laundering, blah blah blah, let’s not miss that we’re sticking it to one country that’s balls deep in Ukraine and the other that hosted Sex and the City 2.

How long will our interest in soccer last? June, once ESPN starts televising NFL grounds keeping teams sod operations in preparation for the 2015-16 season.