There appears to be a penis in the sky

Some Navy pilots have gotten in trouble for doing what any guy with a jet would do: draw a penis.

The sunny skies over Washington state were marred when a Navy plane drew a huge schlong, complete with testicles, with its contrails. The water vapor shaped like genitalia is of course very funny, but like all funny things, someone has to ruin it by complaining, and it’s usually a mom. A handful of citizens didn’t appreciate the free anatomy lesson, and complained to the Navy.

In the greatest injustice of all, the Navy has apologized, saying the stunt was “unacceptable.” Your move, Air Force.

Man covered in blood says it’s from Santa Claus

There may actually not be a Christmas this year. Santa Claus may be injured or dead.

In Michigan, a man was found wandering around outside a gas station covered in blood and holding a piece of meat. (No, that’s not the punchline, we’re not that dark.) Authorities say that before they arrived on the scene, the man ran off to his mobile home nearby. They found him because there was a trail of blood leading right to his door. There was even blood on the door itself. Police say Roy Purple, 62, was visibly drunk, and said that the blood on the door was from Santa Claus.

This alarming response was brushed off by police, who arrested Purple on resisting an officer after he lunged at a cop. All too eager to explain a possible murder of Chris Kringle away, authorities say they believe the blood was from a deer hit by a car nearby. The head was cut off and found near Purple’s home.

Can we get a welfare check on Santa?

Eat My Sports: Don’t Call It A Comeback

Since I started really being cognizant of sports, and I’ll put this time right around 1994, few stories have dominated the landscape of sports and pop culture quite like the saga of O.J. Simpson. I mean, let’s face it, few people have had the enigmatic draw that Simpson has had, for good or for bad (yes, I know when it comes to The Juice, it’s almost always been bad, but c’mon) he’s a draw that you just can’t turn away from the story.

Last week, Simpson got kicked out of a Las Vegas hotel bar after becoming drunk and unruly, breaking glasses, and while not confirmed, we can only hope he was screaming out “DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!?!” When Simpson is in the news, and specifically for making a drunk mess out of himself, this just leads to a better news cycle and a better day for all of us. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Don’t Call It A Comeback

Mo. town overtaken by naked, barking people

The people of Sullivan, Missouri know how to party. There may not be much to do in the small town, but locals make their own fun.

According to police, a group of people ran through the streets barking like dogs and stripping off their clothes. Some of the individuals even broke into local bars and restaurants to shower themselves in water and soda. The whole scene caught the town off guard.

Police believe the naked suspects were on a synthetic version of meth that the kids call flakka. So there’s one drug you can take off your list to try.

Seems like Santa gets arrested earlier every year

Flight risk.

We’re barely a week after Halloween, but Santa Claus is out making appearances — and having inevitable run-ins with the law — once more. This year, old Chris Kringle is starting off the retail Christmas season with drug charges.

Police in South Hackensack, New Jersey say that Santa, going under the alias Charles Smith, 66, was arrested on drug paraphernalia charges after a crack pipe, empty bags of crack and heroin and hypodermic needles were found in his car during a traffic stop.

The South Hackensack Police Department just made it to the naughty list this year.

London sewer blockage cleared after 9 weeks

The citizens of London can breathe easier now that a massive blockage has been removed from city’s sewer system.

It took crews nine weeks to clear out the blockage, which was over 800 feet long. The blockage, affectionately called a “fatberg,” was a mostly solid mass of fat, diapers, wipes and other gross stuff that probably isn’t supposed to be flushed or sent down the drain. Workers used jets of water and even dug it out manually.

There’s no doubt the weary workers have some horror stories to tell. Let’s hope they’re getting a knighthood for their living nightmare.

School emptied out because of pumpkin spice air freshener

Danger in the air prompted a Baltimore high school to be evacuated this week. It was a strange smell in the school that caused the panic.

On Thursday, students at Cristo Rey Jesuit High School reported a strange odor, some even coughed and had a tough time breathing. A few students and teachers were even taken to the hospital. In response, firefighters were called to investigate and the school was emptied out. Before long they found the source of the strange smell: a pumpkin spice air freshener.

The first clue should have been when the female students were unaffected by the odor.

Someone bought Hitler’s underwear for some reason

Hitler’s underwear went on the auction block last week and you missed out on it–unless of course you’re the highest bidder.

An auction house in Maryland sold a pair of Adolf Hitler’s underwear, fetching $6,737. The monogrammed white boxers were said to have been left at an Austrian hotel after the Nazi leader stayed there in 1938. The hotel owner’s grandson sold the weird item.

Some readers may recall that Eva Braun’s panties were auctioned off just last year. Turns out both pairs of Nazi underwear were sold at the same auction house, Alexander Historical Auctions.

So if you’ve got some creepy OG Nazi stuff you want to unload (and alt right rallies show the market is hot right now), apparently Maryland is open for business.

Amazon says you’re pregnant, creates registry for you

You may not think you’re pregnant, but Amazon knows better. So don’t be surprised when you start getting gifts.

Earlier this week, people reported getting emails from Amazon letting them know that someone had bought something on their baby registry. The only problem was that they didn’t have a baby on the way, nor did they have a registry. The company claims it was a glitch, and that it doesn’t actually know anything that the women themselves don’t.

Glitch or no glitch, it might be a good idea to buy some pregnancy tests on Amazon. You never know what Alexa has been telling that site.

Runner’s runs defiling neighborhood

After multiple mid-run runs, it might be time to invest in brown shorts.

Every neighborhood has That Runner. You know, the one that does push-ups when waiting for cross lights … or spends more lung capacity hocking loogies on everything than breathing … or never wears a shirt (sorry, not sorry for that last one). But, at least we’re not pooping on your lawn.

Multiple eyewitnesses in a Colorado Springs neighborhood have caught¬†an unidentified runner mid-trots (in both meanings) on their front yards, back yards and even on a Walgreen’s. The runner has used the same lawn multiple times and even comes equipped with napkins to wipe afterwards.

So, this isn’t just an isolated case of Runners’ Trots every now and then. This is full-on pigeon behavior — which we all know is intentional because you never see bird turds on statues of other birds.

The Colorado Springs Police Department urges that, while this is comical, it’s important that we, the Internet, keep it together and not lose our sh-t. There are mental health issues to consider; we should consider this runner at least as dangerous as a bear pooping in … well, not the woods (a situation that the CSPD has handled in the past!).