Category: Regular Post

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Vampires need to step it up

Really, the first hit to vampires' image was when they had to take jobs on children's television.
Really, the first hit to vampires’ image was when they had to take jobs on children’s television.

Between the Twilight media franchise and clowns now outranking spiders and losing your teeth in our list of national fears, vampires need a win.

Even at their most recent “scary” peak in the ’80s and ’90s, it was more of a sexy Catholic guilty fear via Anne Rice and probably created more goths than goosebumps. (Also scarier than vampires in the ’90s? Goosebumps.)

You know how we know vampires aren’t scary anymore? People are entering a drawing to win an overnight Airbnb stay in Dracula’s castle.

They’ll sleep in velvet-lined coffins, completely unarmed. No garlic. No stakes. And the only cross they’ll bear is having an awkward dinner with Bram Stoker’s living relative trying to method act as Jonathan Harker.

Ten bucks says he plays him as Keanu Reeves.

Well, here’s your shot, vampires. Two free suckers, gift-wrapped and everything. Try not to get too much glitter and guyliner on their necks.

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Thieves steal house

Everyone knows about the “tiny house” craze that is sweeping the country. (No? Just us? Your wives don’t make you watch those tiny house shows?) It’s the best option for people who think 600 square feet is a livable space, but don’t want the hassle of moving to New York. The problem is, these things are mobile.

A woman in Sacramento, California came home one day to find her house had gone missing. Her tiny house, which is nearly complete thanks to asking for other people to pay for her house, had been stolen. After a day of searching, the house was found in a parking lot.

Seems like if you live in something that random people can just haul away, you need to put a boot on your house.

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Norway, once home to Vikings, has PM that plays Pokemon Go

The scourge known as Pokemon Go has largely left the U.S. But other countries aren’t as fortunate.

Norwegian Prime Minister Erna Solberg took advantage of a state trip to Slovakia to hunt for Slovakian Pokemon. She took some time in between meetings to walk around with her head buried in her phone looking for fake creatures in a game on her smartphone.

Want to know why America is the best country in the world? We give our president a Blackberry so this embarrassing crap doesn’t happen to us.

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Police shut down dead-animals-through-the-mail service

When angling for a new job, persistence is usually a good thing. Employers like seeing your enthusiasm for the position. At the very least, they will hire you just so you stop harassing them. But there is a line.

For example, if an employer has passed on you, it’s best not to harass the person who won. An Indiana man who sought a job as fourth grade teacher and basketball coach was distraught that he didn’t get the gig, and just to show there were no hard feelings, he started sending the guy who was hired some dead animals in the mail, according to police. Authorities say he began harassing the man and his wife through the mail, sending four skunks and a raccoon in all.

Surprisingly, the school board has not reconsidered hiring this guy.

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Peeps shortage could be on horizon

Some 40 years ago, people waited for hours in line to fill up their gas tanks during the Iranian oil embargo. And now our generation may be facing a similar catastrophe — but with candy.

A candy factory in Pennsylvania that makes, among other things, Peeps, is facing production problems because its workers have gone on strike. Workers are demanding a better contract, and aren’t making Peeps, the marshmallow birds the internet loves for some reason. If there’s one thing this blog is not, it’s alarmist, which is why we’re saying you need to run out and buy as many Peeps as you can before the economy comes crashing down around us.

Or, boycott Peeps, and support the peeps who make Peeps.

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Krispy Kreme glaze looks a lot like meth, cops say

Be careful the next time you grab some doughnuts, it could land you in jail.

In Orlando, Florida, a 64-year-old man was pulled over and charged with possession of methamphetamine. Turned out to just be some glaze left over from a Krispy Kreme doughnut. At the time, cops thought it was a crystal, and some field tests found there was residue of illegal substances on the car’s dashboard. Weeks later, lab tests found there was nothing illicit at all. The only thing he was guilty of was a bi-weekly Krispy Kreme habit.,

So let the news go far and wide: Krispy Kreme puts meth in their doughnuts.

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Plastic toys can’t pee on people anymore

Outrage culture has gone too far once again. And it’s no surprise this time it’s in the liberal bastion known as Tennessee.

A woman dining at a Japanese steak house was forced to endure being sprayed with water. During the performance, a cook reportedly sprayed the woman with a plastic toy resembling a boy pulling his pants down and peeing. The woman was offended by the water spray, and told authorities she felt sexually assaulted.

No arrests were made after the toy was found to not have a penis. Yes, that is true.

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Green foam closes Utah road, as foretold in Book of Mormon

Cleveland isn’t the only city invaded by a blob this summer. There’s something in the sewers of a Utah town and no one has any idea what it is. It’s so bad that roads have to be shut down.

In Bluffdale, Utah, officials closed a road after a green foam started oozing out of a storm drain. They don’t know what it is, or whether it is friendly or means us harm. State officials stressed that it is probably not algae.

So rest easy, Utes Utahans, that foam in your water supply could be supernatural for all we know.

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Chinese at war with the Colonel

Patriotism looks weird, whether directed at a KFC or a Dixie Chicks concert.
Patriotism looks weird, whether directed at a KFC or a Dixie Chicks concert.

It was only a matter of time before there would be casualties from China’s supervillain-esque plot to conquer the South China Sea by filling it in with dirt and cheap pharmacy toys. Of course, we don’t mean the fish and reef wildlife displaced, crushed and bleached to death — we’re at war with animals first and, last we checked, the Chinese are humans.

No, we’re aghast that — in response to a U.N. tribunal calling China’s artificial island program environmentally disastrous and, worse, not an legal means to claim more maritime territory — the Chinese people are lashing out at the two most American people they can: Apple and KFC. (Corporations are people, after all.)

Chinese demonstrators are smashing their iPhones (which their slave labor built) and boycotting KFC. In the Chinese patriots’ defense, though, the Colonel’s creepy, smiling portrait is the closest thing the U.S. has to a military presence in their country.

And, really, they’re not wrong. If fried chicken doesn’t represent the U.S., then what does? It’s just a little weird to us Americans because we don’t rage at any fast food restaurant until they issue an opinion on homosexuality.

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Bacon: The tastiest weapon of all

Bacon has enjoyed a long reign. Countless memes sing its praises online, and it keeps getting added to different foods. It’s the pumpkin spice of the meat world. Here in the U.S., it kills people slowly. But did you know it can also be a more immediate weapon?

In England, an 86-year-old woman was doing some grocery shopping when, according to authorities, a younger woman stopped her and demanded her money. The old woman took a packet of bacon and struck the would-be thief, scaring her off.

We should mention that guns aren’t allowed over there, so citizens have to get creative when it comes to self-defense.