Category: Regular Post

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Bernie supporters to fart at Clinton’s acceptance speech

For over a year the Democrats have patted themselves on the back for having a civil and intelligent primary season, compared to the dick-joke fest hosted by Republican presidential hopefuls. Finally, we get to see that all change.

Bernie Sanders supporters plan to protest Hillary Clinton’s nomination acceptance speech by farting a lot. A Philadelphia-based poverty activist says she will invite delegates won by Sanders, supporters of Sanders and even the disheveled one himself, to attend a bean-heavy dinner during the Democratic National Convention in July. The attendees can then head over to the event and protest Clinton’s win by farting a lot.

The smelly protest may go unnoticed, however, as the convention is being held in Philadelphia.

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Mars needs women! (No fat chicks)

Alright, Mars: is it moderation if we eat your candy over a dollop of frozen yogurt?
Alright, Mars: is it moderation if we eat your candy over a dollop of frozen yogurt?

When it comes to junk food, we’re used to companies disregarding our actual health to convince us to eat only their products and as much of them as possible. For instance, Jack’s Links telling us that beef jerky’s how professional athletes build muscle mass or Gatorade saying we haven’t defeated dehydration until Lemon-Lime seeps out of our pores.

So, it comes as a surprise that Mars, the company responsible for M&Ms, Snickers and Skittles, wants out of the fast food dessert market. They want to discontinue providing their candy for McDonalds McFlurries, Dairy Queen Blizzards and Burger King Snicker Pies because we allegedly eat too much of it. (No word if they plan to stop The Guys from stuffing Skittles into Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and shooting them with root beer floats.)

Mars is ducking out of fast food desserts to convince people to eat sweets in moderation — and this is news to us, but, apparently, combining ice cream and candy isn’t moderation.

Well, you’re not the boss of us, Mars! (Not until our manned space program finally provokes your intergalactic overlords on the red planet.) We can buy our own candy and sprinkle it into our own ice cream. And, if your goal was to raise your stock by making us eat more candy in protest, then you win!

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HD goes AC/DC

By 2021, Harley-Davidson hopes to find a designer for their electric bike who's never seen Tron.
By waiting until 2021, Harley-Davidson hopes to find a designer for their electric bike who’s never seen Tron.

We pretty much all agree that it would be better to go electric for cars. But, there are a couple of humps to get over: the batteries need to charge faster and deliver better mileage — or, at least give us enough miles so that we can justify waiting three or more hours to start travelling again. (Provided we don’t forget to plug our car in overnight or accidentally turn off the power strip like we do with our phones.) Also, electric designs need to make up for certain features we expect for certain gas-burning models.

Case in point: Harley-Davidson announced that they plan to launch an all-electric line of bikes by 2021. They’ve had a prototype in testing since 2014, but it can only deliver 55 miles to the charge in “cruise” mode, or 33 in “normal, organ donor” mode, and takes three and a half hours to charge up again. They hope that, by 2021, the batteries will be better.

And by “better,” we’re sure they mean louder. Otherwise, a lot of bikers are gonna lose their voices making sure we notice how badass they look.

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Japanese nude restaurant: No fatties

The latest restaurant trend is nude dining. A London restaurant recently made headlines when it opened because its patrons are expected to dine completely naked. This trend is sweeping the world.

The next stop is Japan, where the idea of the nude restaurant has been improved upon. To ensure that no one loses their appetite, The Amrita will introduce a “no fatties” policy. Anyone found to be overweight will not be allowed to dine in the establishment.

The Amrita opens in late July, and in a rare display of taste by the Japanese people, patrons must be at least 18 to get a seat there. We can only hope the menu is tentacle-themed.

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Iron Man, Hulk turn to life of crime

*Captain America: Civil War spoilers ahead*

Times Square is overrun with people in unlicensed costumes hassling you for money in exchange for a photo. You don’t know who is behind the mask. Which is why superheroes can quickly become villains.

According to New York police, Iron Man, the Hulk and Princess Anna from Frozen were arrested for stealing from tourists. A tourist and his daughter said the two Avengers approached them, encouraging them to take a picture with them, then charging them money. Earth’s Mightiest Heroes failed to give the tourists their change back, then Princess Anna took a $10 bill from the little girl, calling it a tip.

All three Disney properties were charged with petty larceny.

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The right to bear modified baby arms

When life (without parole) takes away all of your improvised weapons, make a billy club out of your penis.
When life (without parole) takes away all of your improvised weapons, make a billy club out of your penis.

In any election year, we all become a little more sensitive about our rights. Electing one person could lead to the government taking all of our guns away; another, locking all reporters up and forcing them to only publicly appear in caged fights with Bill O’Reilly. (Bill reserves the right to take their mics/makeshift broom handle clubs away if they start to win.)

But, does it really matter who wins the presidential election if unelected lower-level bureaucrats can already remove the implanted marbles from our penises?

Fortunately for all Real Americans, the 4th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled unanimously that Adrian King, an inmate at the Huttonsville Correctional Center in West Virginia can sue prison officials for doing just that. They will now punish some poor judge and jury in the future as they decide whether prison officials violated King’s Fourth, Eight and Fourteenth Amendment rights when they illegally searched his penis and seized his marbles, cruelly and unusually punished him by forcing him to go through an elective surgical procedure and took away equal protection for something else to do with marbles in his penis.

Now, don’t your worries about whether boycotting amounts to censorship seem trivial?


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Neo-Nazis throw meat, sausages at vegans

There's no reason civilians should have access to weapons like those.
There’s no reason civilians should have access to weapons like those.

They say that America has a culture of violence. Luckily, we don’t need to worry about the kind of attacks citizens of Tbilisi, Georgia felt recently.

According to reports, the Kiwi Cafe, a vegan restaurant has hosting an English-language movie night when a group of Neo-Nazi thugs burst in and started throwing meat, sausages and fish at patrons. Vegans must not be too welcome in the nation of Georgia, because when the fight spilled out into the streets, the restaurant’s neighbors began attacking the vegans, rather than the Neo-Nazis.

The real question is if it’s vegans vs. Nazis, who do you root for?

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SeriouslyGuys: now with larger penises

Thanks to the U.S. Supreme Courts ruling that online businesses can distribute false data, The Guys can now legally type with both hands again. Doubled (fallacious) productivity!
Thanks to the U.S. Supreme Courts ruling that online businesses can distribute false data, The Guys can now legally type with both hands again. Doubled (fallacious) productivity!

Since the death of Justice Antonin Scalia, the U.S. Supreme Court doesn’t decide a lot these days, and will probably continue to send most cases back to lower courts until President Trump appoints Judge Judy to take his place. But, the court managed to side 6-2 along political lines with business one last time to screw over consumers, sort of like pouring one out for their lost homey.

The highest court in the land ruled on Monday that businesses are not legally responsible for distributing false information online unless plaintiffs can prove “actual injury in fact,” and not just potential injuries they might not know about. In this particular case, the plaintiff was listed in a “people search platform” run by Spokeo with completely false data. That data could be used by credit companies, potential employers, private investigators and future dates, but unless he knew for sure that they did, in fact, withhold services and/or kisses based on that data, Spokeo is completely off-the-hook.

So, since online companies are not obligated to share the truth with customers, we here at SeriouslyGuys would like to state for the record that everything said in our blog is 100 percent factual, including that it was totally our wives’ idea to open up our marriages. Also, that Chief Justice John Roberts shares a bungalow in Belize with Samuel Alito and Clarence Thomas, where they snort cocaine off of dead interns using the rolled up dissents of Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Sonia Sotomayor. (Prove the actual damage, your honors.)

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‘Free hug’ guy gives tourist free knuckle sandwich

Times Square is a horrible place. It’s a shiny, ad-filled wonderland lined with stores selling overpriced goods and shady people in costumes charging for pictures. It is the perfect embodiment of New York. That’s why it’s also where a hug can turn into a fight.

For some reason, people go to Times Square even though it’s not New Year’s Eve. One such person was a Canadian tourist. She found a man with a sign advertising free hugs. Being Canadian, of course the tourist went in for a hug. When the hug ended and the photo was taken, things got ugly. The free hug man demanded a tip from the woman and she refused. According to authorities, that’s when the guy who had been all about love just a minute earlier, punched the woman in the face before running off.

Welcome to America, eh?

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Why don’t young folks like nudist camps?

Nudism just doesn’t have the draw with the youth like it used to, at least according to one nudist camp in Canada.

In the 1970s, the Van Tan Club in British Columbia boasted a membership of around 150 people. Today, they’re a third of that, and they’re mostly Baby Boomers. Members there say the younger generations just don’t seem to be into nudism like they are. They say young folks could do with some positive messages about their bodies, but the Boomers can’t seem to reach them.

Perhaps the problem is that no one wants to hang out with old naked people.