What’s happening in Ukraine is very scary. It’s quite terrifying and not reassuring at all to see people in near acts of war so shortly after the Olympics.
That doesn’t mean we’ll hold back when the topic of Valeria Lukyanova comes up.
Lukyanova is a Ukrainian model that is possibly insane. Through the magic of plastic surgery and special diets (the secret ingredient is starvation), she’s managed to make her body look like Barbie, down to the near plastic skin shine. But it’s not enough.
If you work in the fast food industry, make sure to give everyone plenty of napkins, or else you may get sued.
In California, Webster Lucas got a burger from McDonald’s and found that there was only one napkin in his bag. When he asked a manager for more, he was turned down. The manager then allegedly made a racist comment under his breath. Lucas is now suing McDonald’s for $1.5 million because of the mental anguish the incident caused.
So be generous with the napkins. Or, you know, don’t be a racist.
A Pizza Hut district manager was relieved of duties after relieving himself in the wash sink of the chain’s Kermit, West Virginia site. Pizza Hut swears that urine is not one of their toppings and that they in no way trained the manager to do that.
According to public relations guru Peter Himler, things may be looking cloudy for the Hut now, but that he doubts “this will have a long-term negative affect on Pizza Hut’s reputation.” Given enough time — and water — and Pizza Hut will be in the clear again.
In a separate news conference, Papa Johns said that it not only pees in all of their sinks, but that their urine is better and all natural, adding, “Better ingredients, better peestream: Papa Johns.”
Everyone in the United States knows what white trash is upon seeing it. Hell, by just reading those words, you’ve probably come up with an image in your head. But what about the British? They’re always viewed as reliable, smart, cultured, well-mannered, and it’s possibly all thanks to that accent.
Luckily, trash finds its way to the top.
The Twitter feed for the West Yorkshire police department let people know that they had managed to break up a fight at a wedding. Trashy, but there’s room for trashier. The reason for the fight? A pork pie. No one west of the Atlantic knows what that is, and despite being a land that is home to a restaurant known as the Heart Attack Grill, we can only assume that it is the classiest dessert pig of the pork family. As such, a fight over that seems just downright silly.
And yet, it was still a more classy affair than both the Red Wedding and the Purple Wedding.
This week was starting out with such promise. Then we got news that there could be a nationwide clown shortage coming up.
The U.S. has had a bumpy road as of late, with debt ceilings and sequesters and such. But the worse blow is yet to come, according to those in the know. We face the very real possibility of running out of clowns. According to clown industry organizations (yes, they exist), we’re running out of clowns because of all the good ones are retiring, higher standards for people who call themselves clowns, and a lack of new interest in being a clown.
America hit peak clown in 2006, which means our clown supply has been on the decline ever since. Pretty soon, they’ll all fit comfortably in cars.
As someone who was the recent beneficiary of just under two feet of snow, I’ve become very acquainted with snow and the plows that move them.
I’m not a fan. Frankly, next to dressing a cat and taking pictures of it, they are the worst thing in the world. More often than not, snow plows will end up putting snow behind (or in front of, depending on how it’s parked) your car, creating even more of a problem for you. That’s if they’re not dumping snow in outlets onto main roads.
Let it be known far and wide: if you fail to return a video rental in Pickens, South Carolina, you will be hunted down.
Police are heralding their capture of a woman who they say rented a movie in 2005 from a local store and never returned it. Kayla Michelle Finley, 27, spent a night in jail on petty larceny charges because she failed to return the Jennifer Lopez flick Monster-In-Law. Who could blame her for wanting to hold on to such a classic? Unsurprisingly, the movie rental place has closed down since the alleged theft.