Category: Regular Post

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Because crazy people should be able to live in comfort too

Are you a crazy person that believes the end is so very near?

Do you have a lot of money just laying around? I mean, a lot of money?

Then get your checkbook ready and head on down to Concordia, Kansas. Developer Larry Hall has put the last 5 years of his life into building the Luxury Survival Condo. For only 3 million dollars a pop, condo buyers could get a slice of security … under a prairie. While the urbans (translation: not-white people) rob each other, you’ll be able to climb a rock wall. As the riff-raff (translation: people in a lower income bracket than you) cannibalize their own babies, you’ll be able to take in a night at the cinema. And once the urbans and the riff-raff have been cleansed from the Earth by the purifying power of white Jesus, you’ll be able to take all the good times in thanks to electronic windows.

Hall says that slots in the silo are all sold out, but if you dedicated the past 5 years of your life to a project exclusively devoted to rich and crazy survivalists, wouldn’t you too?

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Ohio cops crash into each other, hit school with tear gas

If a riot happens in Columbus, Ohio for some reason, the police will not be ready for it, because of a training exercise gone wrong.

While practicing a convoy as part of a riot training program one police car hit the cruiser in front of it, which then hit the police car ahead of it. This was made all the worse because of the larger bumpers and push bars that they have. All three cars were taken out of service. The same morning, the training moved on to tear-gas. Police launched 15 canisters in an open area, but the wind too it 3,000 feet to an elementary school, where 14 children and a pregnant, asthmatic teacher were affected.

It in other words, was a rousing success.

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As always, follow-through is key

We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: SeriouslyGuys does not advocate people committing crimes.

That said, if you’re going to attempt a crime, you must plan for the three parts of it: the set-up, the execution of the crime and the escape. You can’t half-ass one of the parts, you’ve got to be precise and careful with all of the steps. Especially the escape.

Because, you know, for the escape part, most people just escape.

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Jose Canseco keeps losing his finger

Not that he used his glove hand anyway.
Not that he used his glove hand anyway.

Folks, you may have heard a couple weeks ago about how former MLB juicer Jose Canseco accidentally shot his left middle finger while cleaning his gun. (Which is why you should never, ever, keep Jose Canseco in your home.) It was hanging on by a thread, and surgeons reattached it, but things didn’t go so well.

Canseco said that the finger kind of smelled bad, but he ignored it – until it fell off during a poker tournament. That means that people voluntarily sat at a table with Canseco and his rotting finger, and there’s no way anyone could raise him when he threw it into the pot.

Apparently, doctors have reattached it again, so this is going to work out well.

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CDC: We’re officially cooler than teenagers

In Lobot's defense, he has a lot of stress to manage.
In Lobot’s defense, he has a lot of stress to manage.

Everyone point at vaping teenagers and laugh! For the first time since the mid-20th Century, adults are officially cooler than teenagers because we don’t smoke robot cigarettes just for the sake of them.

While adults use e-cigarettes to quit smoking much cooler –but also much more disgusting — tobacco cigarettes, teenagers are skipping straight ahead to sucking off Lobot’s pencil dick.

So, bow down to your adult betters, dorks. And while you’re down there, take your “baes,” Selena Gomezes and dubstep with you.

Well … maybe leave the dubstep.

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Tax dollars were used to troll

New Jersey has never been known for having a great reputation about … well … anything. Sure, there are some bright spots, but they’re few and far between when it comes to the state that gave us Jon Bon Jovi, the Jersey Shore and a large container for garbage.

And troll cops. Back on Halloween, an officer for the Fort Lee Police Department dressed up in a full Donald Duck costume. He proceeded to give tickets to drivers that didn’t let a six foot tall man in a Disney character costume cross a pedestrian crossing.

Meanwhile, the tax dollars of New Jersey residents were used to buy a very good Donald Duck costume. So there’s that.

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Court puts gag order on puppet, master

The only time a ventriloquist has been funny.
The only time a ventriloquist has been funny.

Apparently America isn’t the only country afflicted with comedians with puppets. The difference is that other countries know how to deal with them.

In South Africa, a “comedian” and his puppet have been given a gag order to refrain talking about a musician. Conrad Koch said that he and his puppet, Chester Missing, will fight the gag order. The court gave the order because Steve Hofmeyr, a musician, said tweets Koch posted about him were hate speech, which is probably true of 95% of tweets in the first place.

Can the U.S. government petition the court for a gag order on all puppet comedians here in the states? We’re starting a Kickstarter fund to hire lawyers!

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Middle schoolers are officially the scissors of the age triumverate

Teenagers beat adults.
Adults beat middle schoolers.
Middle schoolers beat teenagers.

It’s been a system in place for eons. Not only has it been true, but it’s worked. Why change something that’s successful?

Because people get greedy. And greedy people get hungry. Gabriel Taylor Smith is alleged to have been one of those greedy, hungry people. The teenager is purported to have taken a box of Girl Scout cookies from a pair of girls selling them. And he even might have been successful … had the girls not been middle schoolers. One of them took off after the lad, reclaiming the wagon full of cookies while also notifying others about the crime. Said others then followed him in his getaway vehicle. He was caught at a gas station and charged with misdemeanor theft.

Remember people: it’s not worth becoming the subject of a manhunt over overpriced snacks.

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Booray for Bollywood!

It is a sad day, a black day, for men, as we’ve now lost yet another traditional manly job in the name of political correctness.

After nearly 60 years of being effectively banned from Bollywood — the nickname for India’s impressive movie industry — women are finally being allowed to work as make-up artists in film productions. This comes from their Supreme Court striking down rules in the Cine Costume and Make-up Artist Association bylaws that made it virtually impossible for any woman to become a member.

Honestly, though. If women start doing make-up in Bollywood, what’s next? Women hairdressers?

We have no idea how women who aspire to be make-up artists in Bollywood will celebrate. We just hope that it is gracious, dignified and, most of all, restrained.

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Actions have repercussions

A man in Burlington, North Carolina, using the Olive Garden’s Never Ending Pasta Pass, has already eaten there 95 times. It’s not even been two months. It took him just 6 weeks. Some websites are going with that as the headline. We at SG prefer a slightly more … truthful approach. Here are some examples:

  • “Burlington man has diarrhea 95 times”
  • “Burlington man eats 50/50 Italian food 95 times”
  • “Medical breakthrough: Burlington man manages to get diabetes in a month”

And some future headlines:

  • In March 2015: “Burlington man gets first case of super diabetes”
  • In late March 2015: “Burlington man dead from eating at the Olive Garden in under two months”