We at SeriouslyGuys believe in going hard. If you’re gonna do something, do it at 100 percent or more. Are you working out? Do the full workout. Are you raking the front yard? Rake the front and the back. Trying to steal an ATM?
In what sounds like a story one might find in The Berenstein Bears, thievery is afoot! A patch of 100 onions, grown by fifth graders in Maine, were completely stolen. The children are let down, as they grew the root vegetable for the homeless.
Allow us to solve the crime. The culprit is either:
- the newest seller at the farmer’s market with a giant bushel of onions to sell
- whoever reeks of onions
Are you happy now, internet? Your bacon craze has gone far enough.
A Minneapolis man has a motorcycle that runs on bacon grease. We know what you’re thinking, and yes, it is stupid to own a motorcycle in a city that only sees temperatures about 40 degrees for three months a year. Even worse is the idea that you have to collect a whole lot of bacon grease to get your ride to work.
Eric Pierson did that and more. He rode his motorcycle all the way to San Diego for the city’s Bacon Fest and Film Festival over Labor Day weekend. We imagine he smelled great on the highway.
Malaysia Airlines has had a rough year. We don’t really need to go into that, because if you don’t know about the incidents, you are also probably without internet access. With such a bad year, you would think the airline would be doing all it could to improve its image. You’d be wrong.
Earlier this week, the airline launched its “My Ultimate Bucket List” campaign in Australia and New Zealand. The competition involved winning tickets to fly somewhere in the world. The company that has had two high-profile deadly incidents this year asked people to send in their lists of things they wanted to do before they die.
“Back in my day, we walked 15 miles from our dorm to campus in order to go to school … and we liked it!”
If that comment was told to you by your parents, that’s probably because they’re time-travelers from the future, as it’s happening right now. You see, some students at Stony Brook University were placed in dorms that lie 15 miles away from the main campus. The school has attributed the problem to overcrowding, but the real problem will arising soon.
See, Stony Brook is not a dry campus; however, the spare dorms are being leased from Dowling College. Dowling is a dry campus. While it’s not been said that the dorms will be affected by Dowling’s rules, there’s only thing that needs to be done: in order to make reparations, Stony Brook MUST declare the Dowling dorms to no longer be subject to dry campus rules. Alcohol will make things right!
Cold cases are the worst.
But there’s one less in the world. A case over two decades old has been solved thanks to a handful of LEGO bricks. In 1991, Lucille Johnson was found brutally murdered. Unfortunately, investigators just weren’t able to solve it. That changed last year. DNA scrapings were found on some bricks (presumably the 4×4, though they could have been 2×8), and after a long and arduous search, the evidence was paired with that of a septuagenarian prison inmate. It may be 23 years late, but at least it’s closure.
You just don’t get that type of case-solving assistance with MegaBloks.
It may be the greatest collar by the police in all history: the Dark Lord was taken into custody.
And what was El Diablo doing in the Copper State? Burning and urinating (or, as we call it in the industry, burinating) on a Bible outside of a Christian-run homeless shelter.
Why go to the trouble of lighting something on fire just to piss it out, you may ask? Because, while god may work in mysterious ways, the devil works in counterproductive ones. (See: lording over all of sin, yet punishing sinners in Hell.)
The important factor in all of this is that now we finally understand why police officers need military equipment.
“We’re not some big city comp’ny,” says a suspender-wearing judge in Columbia.
“I do declare that our state has no time for such frivolities as cup and ball, much less kickball. As such, I proclaim that a worker is a worker, and if they take part in frivolities while on the company’s watch, no matter if they are or are not on the clock, they are due fair and just compensation. A man is due what his labors reward, is he not?”
The judge takes a handkerchief out of his coat, dabs at his brow then takes a sip of his iced tea. In the heat, it cools his hot disposition.
South Carolina has conquered the debate of whether an employee taking part in a company kickball game is due workers’ compensation, but still has yet to figure out indoor air-conditioning.
After years of looking like panda jerks in the comments of any online post that mentions feminism, it appears that Male Panda’s Rights Activists, or MPRAs, have been proven right. At least one female panda has been caught faking a pregnancy for special treatment from zookeepers that she has no intention of letting out of the “friendzone.”
Zookeepers at the Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding reported that Ai Hin exhibited signs of pregnancy for two months and then suddenly stopped. During that time, she was moved into a single air conditioned room and received “more buns, fruits and bamboo.”
According to one of the zookeepers, “Some clever pandas have used this to their advantage to improve their quality of life.”
See? And if this happens in a zoo, you know it totally happens in the wild, too, where female pandas will convince a male panda to marry her and then conveniently miscarry. And at that point, it’s too late for the male panda. He’ll have to give her half of us bamboo for the rest of her life.
So, you win this round, MPRAs. But you still look stupid in a fedora.
Whores of Satan, rejoice: the Town Council of Front Royal, Virginia has made a deal with the devil! Fortunetelling will be allowed within the town. Let the trumpets of Lucifer ring out!
In a 4-2 decision, the town council decided to strike down a ban on fortunetelling, “gypsies” and “magic arts,” whatever those are. Demons were heard shrieking with delight, as they set about plans of spreading Satanism and introducing criminal elements that are so often associated with things like tarot cards.
Concerned citizens said they worried that without the ban, children would be put in danger of temptations of evil. The Lord of Darkness himself was unable for comment.