Category: Regular Post

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Adult dogs tired of your sh*t

Establishing a dialogue with your adult dog could lead to conversations about how to safely use the Internet.

Everyone loves puppies. But, adult dogs? That takes a special kind of love, one that can overlook them not being a wiggly, uncoordinated ball of fresh-smelling floof anymore. Well, you may put up with your adult dog, but, brother, the feeling is mutual.

A recent study revealed that, while humans baby-talk both puppies and dogs, only puppies eat that sh*t up. Adult dogs had no interest in condescended to, especially by a recording of someone’s rando furless-mom.

So, in the interest of keeping your relationship with your canine healthy, we recommend talking to them as a peer. Try brushing up on tree smells and the hottest legs. And, if all else fails, ask your dog about their day, not just “who’s a good boy?” You might be surprised what you could learn about your good man or woman.

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When Twinkies go bad

Not only are the White Peppermint Twinkies #basic, but Twinkie the Kid’s scarf game is on. point.

As The Guys get older, we find that life has fewer and fewer certainties every year. Until recently, we assumed that the Golden Globes are less political than the Oscars. That reality television has no bearing on actual reality. That Twinkies will never, ever go bad.

That’s right: Hostess voluntarily recalled Twinkies — the food that is supposed to sustain us during whatever apocalypse is trending right now — for containing salmonella. Of course, we weren’t betrayed directly by Twinkies. They just happened to be made with milk powder that was recalled.

Also, it was only the White Peppermint Hostess Twinkies. So, those Twinkies were already bad and/or #basic.

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Von Miller farts a lot

A locker room is a smelly place, but evidently, a locker room with Von Miller is much, much worse.

The Denver Broncos have a fart tax of $500. If someone smells it, and you dealt it, you’re fined $500. That’s enough to pucker many a butt hole, except for Miller’s. According to reports, he was fined $15,000 during the season for his farts. The fart tax seems to have been applied to only Miller.

In a locker room of over 50 dudes, there’s got to be a lot of farting going on, so the athletes are probably used to it. But Miller’s farts are so bad these guys had to impose a fine on him.

Why is a guy with such a smelly butt the spokesman for Old Spice?

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Facebook reverses decision, says Santa Claus is real

On Christmas Day, Facebook decided to be a Grinch. That’s when the site took away Santa Claus’ Facebook account and demanded proof of identification. In other words, Facebook didn’t believe in Santa.

We should remind you that Santa Claus is a real person. He really, truly, is on the North Pole, Alaska City Council, and he’s no stranger to firing up a funny yule log, being an outspoken supporter of legalizing marijuana. But Facebook didn’t believe in him, and chose Santa’s biggest day of the year to say so. Imagine you have been out delivering presents to all the good girls and boys all night long, only to come home in the morning and find Facebook has deactivated your account.

But the jolly fat guy didn’t let it slow him down. He sent Facebook multiple forms proving his identity, and his account was reactivated just before the New Year.

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Forceps beat forceps

“Forceps?” “Forceps.” “Forceps forceps?” “Forceps forceps.” “Doctor.” “Doctor.”

Last year, we learned that only a good doctor with a knife can stop a crazy man with 40 knives in his belly. And now, in 2017, we know that in the Rock-Paper-Scissors of getting things left inside of you by a surgeon, only another surgeon with forceps can pull those forceps out.

Doctors in Vietnam removed surgical forceps left in a man back in 1998. He had carried them inside of him for 18 years unknowingly after treatment for a traffic accident, and doctors only found them in x-rays because of a suspected ulcer. They were not, however, able to remove The Offspring’s “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy),” which he’s been carrying in his head for the same amount of time.

The director of Bac Kan Hospital, Trinh Thi Luong, announced in an interview that “This is a lesson to all doctors,” before adding, “Wait, has anyone seen my phone?”

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Guy wears horns on head in ID photo

Pagans are followers of Paganism, an ancient mystical religion honor nature and some obscure European gods. They are split into two groups, those who listen to metal and those who listen to harp and lute stuff. And just in time for the War on Christmas, Maine is giving the pagans the right to look silly in their driver’s license photos.

Pagan priest Phelan Moonsong, which probably isn’t his given name, has successfully argued for the right to wear the fake horns he wears all day long in his driver’s license photo. The state agreed that Moonsong’s horns are a religious headdress, and thus allowed in ID pictures.

And yes, ladies, he’s available.

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Santa Claus caught selling pot, molly

When the North Pole sends its people down here, it’s not sending its best.

Santa Claus, a rather large elf who probably has diabetes from all the cookies we give him, only works one night a year. That gives him a lot of time to do what he wants to do–like drive drunk or steal a helicopter. This time he was arrested in Florida.

According to authorities, Pere Noel was in Jacksonville, Florida selling marijuana, molly and ecstasy out of a U-Haul truck. Acting on a tip, police caught up to Saint Nicholas, who was in his trademark red suit with white furry trim (heh), probably just trying to make a quick buck on his side hustle. He tried to run when he saw the cops, but was foiled when his pants fell down and tripped him up.

Kids, Santa needs a belt this Christmas.

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Once enemies, eagle, salmon team up to attack Seattle power

Animals are taking advantage of our increased dependence on electricity, and what’s worse, they’re joining forces to do so.

According to the local power company, some 200 Seattleans Seattleians Seattlites Sea People lost power last week when a strategically placed salmon struck a power line. Witnesses report an eagle carried the salmon out of a nearby river and dropped it where it would do the most damage. Utility workers recovered the smoked salmon.

Nice try, animals. But if you really want to disrupt Seattle society, try attacking the wifi in coffee shops.

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Wonder Woman hits glass ceiling at U.N.

Not since Superman unilaterally decided we shouldn’t have nuclear weapons anymore has their been such controversy. Wonder Woman has been kicked out of the U.N.

After being named a U.N. ambassador in October, Wonder Woman has been stripped of her title. A petition signed by nearly 45,000 people called for U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon to force her to step down, saying that she is too sexy to be the feminist warrior role model she is intended to be. The petition cited how scantily she dresses and her unrealistic body type as negative images for young women of the world to look up to.

Now how are we going to get her invisible jet technology?

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Canadian drivers are too nice, police say

Let it never be said that the police in Prince Edward Island, Canada don’t enjoy their jobs. Fresh off of threatening potential drunk drivers with Nickelback, they now want people to drive more selfishly.

The province is plagued with drivers who are so considerate that they are causing accidents, police say. Drivers are stopping and waving along people making left turns, which can end up in T-bone accidents, and could make the waver liable for insurance costs. That’s why authorities are asking drivers to stop being so nice to each other.

Did you know that turning right on a red light is illegal in Canada? An oppressive regime.