Dutch protester annoys Swiss, so they don’t let her be Swiss

Europe may be old and weird, but sometimes they have some commonsense solutions that we could learn from. Like denying annoying people from having passports.

In Switzerland, a Dutch vegan and animal rights activist has been campaigning for super important stuff like banning cowbells on cows in a Swiss town because of the supposed discomfort they give, and traditional Swiss practices, like pig racing, hunting and loud church bells. She’s been so annoying to the citizens of Gipf-Oberfrick that they decided to deny her a Swiss passport, which would have granted her Swiss citizenship.

If you have an annoying vegan who says everything your culture does is wrong, then wants to be a part of your culture, you can deny them–if you’re Swiss. We need that here.

Hawaii hits up adult site after missile false alarm

Symbolism.

Over the weekend, the citizens of Hawaii had the scare of their lives. A warning came in on their phones of a ballistic missile on its way, insisting that it was not a drill. The panic continues for the better part of an hour, until the news spread that it was a false alarm. What did Hawaiians do after hearing the news? They grabbed their phones or laptops and dropped trou.

The website Pornhub said it saw a spike in traffic from Hawaii immediately after the false alarm was sounded. A spike of 48% above the traffic for a typical Saturday morning, to be exact. This came after a 77% drop in traffic from the state during the missile panic.

Don’t judge Hawaiians until you’ve been through an ICBM scare yourself.

Canada steals U.S. historic smokehouse

Tensions are high at the Canadian border after a building on the National Register of Historic Places wound up in Canada.

A winter storm last week (seems like we can’t stop writing about that thing) knocked the historic a building from McCurdy’s Smokehouse in Lubec, Maine off of its pilings and into the water, where it drifted across the narrows and ran aground on Canadian soil. At least that’s what the thieving Canadians claim happened. The old smoked-herring facility’s brining shed now sits in shallow water of Campobello Island.

Lubec authorities have complained that Canadian vandals are going to wreck the landmark before it is returned as planned next week. If that’s not a reason to go to war, we don’t know what is.

Statistics: You’ll shoot your eye out, kid

B-E S-U-R-E T-O W-E-A-R Y-O-U-R E-Y-E P-R-O-T-E-C … tion. A crummy anti-gun PSA?

Is it possible that, after 20 years of TNT’s 24 hours of A Christmas Story, a musical, and a live televised performance that we’ve reached Peak Ralphie? According to startling numbers on eye injuries from a new study in the journal Pediatrics, we have to either hope so or we’ll raise an entire generation of cyclopi by 2020.

From 1990 to 2012, eye injuries to children from nonpowder guns — including official Red Ryder, carbine action, 200-shot, range model air rifles (with a compass in the stock) — increased 168 percent. TNT’s all-day marathons started in 1997. And between just 2010 and 2012 alone, they increased by 500 percent; the musical premiered in 2009.

It’s clear that the rise of bad kids with airguns — and you know which ones are bad because of their eye patches and/or monocles — has nothing to do with the airguns themselves. This is about mental illness. If watching the same movie about a kid putting his parents through the wringer over a toy during the damn Depression isn’t insane, then what is?

Light ’em up, Johnny! Wait, maybe don’t

In a really confusing marketing campaign that frankly has The Guys wondering whether we should stay smoke-free or start up, Phillip Morris International has started off 2018 with a Cheddar Bob style self-inflicted wound. The company’s marketing campaign is encouraging their customers not to smoke.

Let us repeat that in all caps, A TOBACCO CONGLOMERATE IS TELLING PEOPLE TO STOP USING THEIR PRODUCT. No word yet as to whether Kraft is going dairy-free or Jack Daniel’s is telling people to sober up, but we will keep you posted.

Haley’s Comet

For as much as the Pittsburgh Steelers pride themselves on being a button up organization and keeping drama away from the team, these past few years have been pretty banner. From Le’Veon Bell not being able to keep his pipe nose clean, to Martaivis Bryant not being able to prefer to catch a ball over a high, to Antonio Brown’s Facebook Live fiasco, things have been less than tame.

Leave it to Offensive Coordinator, Todd Haley to put the exclamation point on all of this though. While at a New Year’s Eve celebration at Tequila Cowboy (you can’t make this stuff up, folks), Haley shattered his pelvis during a “incident.” Haley could not be reached for comment as to whether or not this is the most awesome way to get on an injury report.

Buon Natale, Carlo Brown!

In Spelacchio’s defense, we’ve heard that bald trees have more testosterone.

For all the talk about how great the Roman Empire was — spanning most of Europe through Turkey and even parts of Africa, aqueducts, vomitoriums — it’s easy to forget that Rome is still a place. But, brother, have times been rough for the place that once all roads led to.

The city of Rome paid $57,000 for a Christmas tree that is less evergreen and more Charlie Brown. It’s so scraggly that ashamed locals are referring to it as “spelacchio” (or “baldy and mangy”), “a plucked chicken” and — our favorite — “the toilet brush.”

Somebody even launched a Twitter account for the tree in which Spelacchio (that’s its name now) neurotically compares itself to other city’s trees like an insecure boyfriend. (“What do you mean ‘gay apparel?’ Are you saying this tinsel makes me look gay?”)

In hindsight, maybe Rome was great, but maybe it would still have dignity had Hannibal leveled it with elephants.

Eat it, Canada: Santa is American

Aside from the Property Brothers, Canada has very little to boast about these days. And for a long time, Canadian officials have argued that Santa Claus is Canadian. Jolly Old St. Nick is here to say that that’s not true.

The Canadian media interviewed Santa Claus himself, only to find out that he’s an American, born in Washington, D.C., to boot. As we’ve covered before, Santa lives in North Pole, Alaska, and is on the city council there.

But what’s this? There’s a new claim being made to Santa Claus’ nationality. And it’s the Palestinians? Chris Kringle himself was spotted throwing rocks at Israeli troops recently, taking part in the protests of Palestinians that have taken place since U.S. President Donald Trump decided to recognize Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. Father Christmas’ participation in these protests could mean that Trump is on the naughty list.

Amazon cuts off access to home circumcision kits

The Lifeform Home Circumcision Training Kit came with everything pictured here, including awkward gherkin caddies.

We’ve got bad news if you waited until the last-minute to order this year’s hottest stocking stuffer. Amazon pulled infant circumcision training kits off of the market after so-called “doctors” raised concerns about amateurs cutting off wieners.

So, if you’re not sure how to circumcise a baby, now you’ll have to crowd-source for tips.

Penis.

17 of Santa’s helpers arrested during bar crawl

It’s nearly Christmas, and everyone’s getting into the Christmas spirit. You know, peeing in public, punching the face of the cop arresting you, all the traditional holiday stuff.

The streets of Hoboken, New Jersey were a scene of festive chaos over the weekend as a bar crawl called SantaCon came to down. Revelers dressed up like Santa Claus, got drunk, and paraded through town. And like their idol, they got into criminal mischief. Local police said they arrested 17 people during SantaCon. There was public drinking, there was public urination, there were fights. A woman even punched a police officer. Ho ho ho!

Aside from the arrests, a couple dozen Santas ended up in local hospitals. Hopefully they will make it home for Christmas.