“We’re not some big city comp’ny,” says a suspender-wearing judge in Columbia.
“I do declare that our state has no time for such frivolities as cup and ball, much less kickball. As such, I proclaim that a worker is a worker, and if they take part in frivolities while on the company’s watch, no matter if they are or are not on the clock, they are due fair and just compensation. A man is due what his labors reward, is he not?”
The judge takes a handkerchief out of his coat, dabs at his brow then takes a sip of his iced tea. In the heat, it cools his hot disposition.
South Carolina has conquered the debate of whether an employee taking part in a company kickball game is due workers’ compensation, but still has yet to figure out indoor air-conditioning.
After years of looking like panda jerks in the comments of any online post that mentions feminism, it appears that Male Panda’s Rights Activists, or MPRAs, have been proven right. At least one female panda has been caught faking a pregnancy for special treatment from zookeepers that she has no intention of letting out of the “friendzone.”
Zookeepers at the Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding reported that Ai Hin exhibited signs of pregnancy for two months and then suddenly stopped. During that time, she was moved into a single air conditioned room and received “more buns, fruits and bamboo.”
According to one of the zookeepers, “Some clever pandas have used this to their advantage to improve their quality of life.”
See? And if this happens in a zoo, you know it totally happens in the wild, too, where female pandas will convince a male panda to marry her and then conveniently miscarry. And at that point, it’s too late for the male panda. He’ll have to give her half of us bamboo for the rest of her life.
So, you win this round, MPRAs. But you still look stupid in a fedora.
In a completely shocking move, colleges are looking to … tap … into the beer business to help with money. The real shocker, is that it’s 2014 and these schools with football teams actually realize this, meanwhile The Guys figured this out at Radford University over 10 years ago.
If you’re wondering when International Mixed-handedness Day is, it, like ambidextrous people, doesn’t exist. If you pitch southpaw, then it doesn’t matter if you catch southpaw, too. You’re left-handed. (And let’s not get into the affront to god and threat to right-handedness that trans-handed people present.)
So, if you know a left-handed person, pat them on the back — with your correct hand. Tolerance is really in right now.
For but a brief moment in time, Bruno DiFilippo was a god among men. In a world where an eidetic memory is probably the closest we have to real life superpowers, DFilippo shot sparks of lightning from his body. Take that, knowing what you had for dinner for the entire month of June when you were 8!
DiFilippo was standing outside his home, holding a hose, when a lightning bolt struck his shoulder. Now, for those keeping score, here are the superpower formulas when lightning is involved:
Lightning bolt + wall of chemicals in beakers = speed powers
Lightning bolt + a hose = ankle sparks
No lightning involved whatsoever + machinery = becoming living lightning
Sadly, his lightning powers were short-lived. On the plus side, he had no injuries. So he has that going for him.