Category: Regular Post

| Filed under Regular Post

Police shut down dead-animals-through-the-mail service

When angling for a new job, persistence is usually a good thing. Employers like seeing your enthusiasm for the position. At the very least, they will hire you just so you stop harassing them. But there is a line.

For example, if an employer has passed on you, it’s best not to harass the person who won. An Indiana man who sought a job as fourth grade teacher and basketball coach was distraught that he didn’t get the gig, and just to show there were no hard feelings, he started sending the guy who was hired some dead animals in the mail, according to police. Authorities say he began harassing the man and his wife through the mail, sending four skunks and a raccoon in all.

Surprisingly, the school board has not reconsidered hiring this guy.

| Filed under Regular Post

Peeps shortage could be on horizon

Some 40 years ago, people waited for hours in line to fill up their gas tanks during the Iranian oil embargo. And now our generation may be facing a similar catastrophe — but with candy.

A candy factory in Pennsylvania that makes, among other things, Peeps, is facing production problems because its workers have gone on strike. Workers are demanding a better contract, and aren’t making Peeps, the marshmallow birds the internet loves for some reason. If there’s one thing this blog is not, it’s alarmist, which is why we’re saying you need to run out and buy as many Peeps as you can before the economy comes crashing down around us.

Or, boycott Peeps, and support the peeps who make Peeps.

| Filed under Regular Post

Krispy Kreme glaze looks a lot like meth, cops say

Be careful the next time you grab some doughnuts, it could land you in jail.

In Orlando, Florida, a 64-year-old man was pulled over and charged with possession of methamphetamine. Turned out to just be some glaze left over from a Krispy Kreme doughnut. At the time, cops thought it was a crystal, and some field tests found there was residue of illegal substances on the car’s dashboard. Weeks later, lab tests found there was nothing illicit at all. The only thing he was guilty of was a bi-weekly Krispy Kreme habit.,

So let the news go far and wide: Krispy Kreme puts meth in their doughnuts.

| Filed under Regular Post

Can’t sleep in Green Bay, clown will eat you

Green Bay's so bleak that this is as funny as it gets.
Green Bay’s so bleak that this is as funny as it gets.

So, we said some fairly harsh things about Philadelphia yesterday. While we won’t take a word of it back, it’s time to acknowledge that other terrible city with a green football team: Green Bay, Wisconsin. Say what you will about the citizens of Philadelphia, but at least one of them isn’t dressing as a clown and walking the streets at 2 a.m. with black balloons.

Despite repeated calls, the Green Bay Police Department can’t do anything about Gags, the clown in question — not until he eats a baby or something, anyway — because he hasn’t committed a crime.

Nobody is sure, yet, who he is or what he’s doing other than freaking the hell out of everyone. Nobody has apparently talked to him, opting instead to wet their pants, so we don’t even have a statement from Gags himself.

All we know is that it’s probably time to see if anyone knows where Tim Curry’s been lately.

| Filed under Regular Post

Plastic toys can’t pee on people anymore

Outrage culture has gone too far once again. And it’s no surprise this time it’s in the liberal bastion known as Tennessee.

A woman dining at a Japanese steak house was forced to endure being sprayed with water. During the performance, a cook reportedly sprayed the woman with a plastic toy resembling a boy pulling his pants down and peeing. The woman was offended by the water spray, and told authorities she felt sexually assaulted.

No arrests were made after the toy was found to not have a penis. Yes, that is true.

| Filed under Regular Post

Green foam closes Utah road, as foretold in Book of Mormon

Cleveland isn’t the only city invaded by a blob this summer. There’s something in the sewers of a Utah town and no one has any idea what it is. It’s so bad that roads have to be shut down.

In Bluffdale, Utah, officials closed a road after a green foam started oozing out of a storm drain. They don’t know what it is, or whether it is friendly or means us harm. State officials stressed that it is probably not algae.

So rest easy, Utes Utahans, that foam in your water supply could be supernatural for all we know.

| Filed under Regular Post

Chinese at war with the Colonel

Patriotism looks weird, whether directed at a KFC or a Dixie Chicks concert.
Patriotism looks weird, whether directed at a KFC or a Dixie Chicks concert.

It was only a matter of time before there would be casualties from China’s supervillain-esque plot to conquer the South China Sea by filling it in with dirt and cheap pharmacy toys. Of course, we don’t mean the fish and reef wildlife displaced, crushed and bleached to death — we’re at war with animals first and, last we checked, the Chinese are humans.

No, we’re aghast that — in response to a U.N. tribunal calling China’s artificial island program environmentally disastrous and, worse, not an legal means to claim more maritime territory — the Chinese people are lashing out at the two most American people they can: Apple and KFC. (Corporations are people, after all.)

Chinese demonstrators are smashing their iPhones (which their slave labor built) and boycotting KFC. In the Chinese patriots’ defense, though, the Colonel’s creepy, smiling portrait is the closest thing the U.S. has to a military presence in their country.

And, really, they’re not wrong. If fried chicken doesn’t represent the U.S., then what does? It’s just a little weird to us Americans because we don’t rage at any fast food restaurant until they issue an opinion on homosexuality.

| Filed under Regular Post

Bacon: The tastiest weapon of all

Bacon has enjoyed a long reign. Countless memes sing its praises online, and it keeps getting added to different foods. It’s the pumpkin spice of the meat world. Here in the U.S., it kills people slowly. But did you know it can also be a more immediate weapon?

In England, an 86-year-old woman was doing some grocery shopping when, according to authorities, a younger woman stopped her and demanded her money. The old woman took a packet of bacon and struck the would-be thief, scaring her off.

We should mention that guns aren’t allowed over there, so citizens have to get creative when it comes to self-defense.

| Filed under Regular Post

U.K. adult film actress denies she is new prime minister

Things have gone a bit sideways in the U.K. lately. First, the tinfoil hat crowd voted the country out of the EU, then the mayor of London, the male British equivalent of Sarah Palin, was made foreign secretary. Worst of all, an adult film star may be the new prime minister.

Theresa May was just made the prime minister of the United Kingdom of England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and Narnia. But a lot of people don’t know how to spell her first name. This has led to British porn star Teresa May adamantly refuting reports that she now runs the country.

But we all know “Teresa May” isn’t her real name. It’s probably Theresa May.

| Filed under Regular Post

Shave and a haircut: 10,000 bits

It costs $11,000 a month to maintain Bruce Willis circa 1992 hair.

French media discovered that President François Hollande spends nearly €10,000 to keep his hairdresser around. Hollande’s spokesperson, Stephane Le Foll, said that this is to help preserve the hairdresser’s income since he had to “abandon his salon” and often accompanies the French president on trips abroad.

See? This is a prime example of how differently socialism can play out in different societies. In France, hair is a right that is distributed from each according to his ability to each according to his needs. And Hollande, as someone who lacks ability to grow his all the way to his forehead needs more hair care, lest he look like Hulk Hogan.

French media’s handling of this story, which they’re calling “Coiffeurgate” proves one thing: by adding “-gate” to any minor issue of presidential peccadillos, they’re ready to hang with the Big Dawgs of western journalism.