Freedom of expression is under attack in Texas.
Students at Texas Tech University spent a snowy day the way any other group of college kids would: they built a snow penis. It was tall, it had testicles, it was loved by all–that is until the school, armed with a bulldozer, came in to knock the phallus down. Students put up a brilliant defense of their creation, but in the end, fascism won.
Also, apparently it snows in Texas.
Johnny Depp, while on a press tour for his new movie, Mortdecai, said the reason he didn’t show up to previously scheduled press interview was because he fought a chupacabra in his hotel room.
We can only assume that he’ll use the skunk ape as the reason for why Mortdecai bombed so badly.
Stand tall, men–especially when you pee. We’ve won a victory in Germany, the bastion of dudes-sit-down-to-peeism.
In Dusseldorf, Germany, a judge has sided with a man who sued his landlord over withholding part of his security deposit. The landlord said that because the tenant, a man, who thus stands when he needs to make water, peed while upright, some of the splashes of uric acid that got on the marble ate away at the stone. The judge found that the tenant was not at fault. Stand up for your rights, men!
Bonus fun: In Germany guys who stand while they pee are called stehpinklers, and those who relinquish their birthrights and sit are called sitzpinklers. Germans have words for everything.
In Springfield, Massachusetts, before the snow fell down, a fall went down on snow of the illicit variety. Last week, cops busted two men, seizing 2300 bags of heroin, almost 23 thousand dollars, and three handguns. One bag thrown into the backseat of a car had a thousand bags of heroin in it! That’s a great bust!
But local news being local news makes sure to lead with what really matters: almost 1400 bags had “Lucky Charms” stamped on them.
Keep aiming high for that local Emmy, guys.
We’ve all been there before: you’re toward the end of a romantic evening, going to make a move, when you can hold in a fart any longer, and the night is ruined. Fortunately, your relationship will eventually get to the point where neither of you cares about each other’s farts anymore. But if you can’t wait that long, there’s another solution.
A French inventor has a pill that will make your farts smell better, and he’s got a new scent just in time for Valentine’s Day. What is this romantic scent from a country known for its romance, made for the most romantic holiday of the year? Ginger. The sexy, sexy smell of ginger.
Not only will your farts smell great, they will calm your stomach, too.
In other bacon-related news …
The Chinese city of Dazhou has a wee bit of a pollution problem. Okay, maybe that was downplayed a bit, as the area has spent all of 2015 suffering from severe air pollution. That sounds pretty bad. It gets a little worse.
Officials are blaming it on bacon.
No blame is being thrown toward a bacon-producing factory, as one would expect, but its own citizens for smoking their bacon, an act that is not a euphemism. Environmental officials claim that the process, a centuries old tradition that has gained popularity as time has passed, releases a pollutant that is a key ingredient in the recipe that is “Breathing Problems.”
Children, mark this day in history, as you now know the first shot fired in the Internet-Dazhou War of 2015.
Relationship experts say that no matter where you are in life, communication is the only way to stay together. A New York state man may not believe in that.
James Rhein’s home had a crumbling foundation, and other parts of the house were in disrepair. So he rented a bulldozer and leveled the place. The only thing is that his wife hadn’t been notified of his plans.
“But now she’s over it,” Rhein said. “We’re good. I’m a good husband, what can I tell you?”
In a world of gimmick-laden scratch-off lottery tickets, the New Hampshire Lottery has created what might be the ultimate gimmick: a bacon-scented scratch-off ticket. Yes, a scratch and scent scratch-off clearly designed to target the Internet and millennial crowd, the New Hampshire Lottery hopes that the
ploy campaign will create new engagement for scoring money.
The I Heart Bacon scratch ticket combines two things people love: the chance to win cash and the wonderful, enticing smell of bacon,” said Charlie McIntyre, executive director of the New Hampshire Lottery Commission.
It has all the benefits of eating bacon (the smell, the taste), except the actual consumption. On the plus side, it also lacks the cons of eating bacon (high cholesterol) … though it hasn’t lost the con of winning money.
Have you ever wanted to try out a new career for a few days, you know, just to dip your toes in the water before making a life-altering leap? You can. All you need to do is look the part and act like you’re supposed to be there.
It worked for a kid in Florida. A teenager was able to stroll the halls of a West Palm Beach medical facility wearing a white lab coat that had the facility’s logo on it. No one, not nurses, doctors or security staff, questioned his presence. Quite a day, right?
He pulled it off for an entire month before being discovered.