In un-related news, Lindsay Lohan is apparently eligible for the Foursquare Purple Heart.

The toddler was sent with his mother to an intensive care specialist for one month. He received psychosocial therapy and was forced to play with less mature-looking peers.

Sure, he’s quit now, but let’s see how he does once he enters kindergarten and the real life stress begins.

Rodney McCreary, Gilberto Matos, Derrella Winfrey and Wilfredo Matos were caught by police when an off-duty cop saw them stuffing video games down their pants at a Toys ‘R Us in Annapolis. The officer followed them to their car, saw the four men leave and then called in some on-duty cops to make the bust. When police searched the men’s car, though, they found a lot more than just a few games from a single Toys ‘R Us.

Instead, they found 219 video games, along with road maps and a long list of Toys ‘R Us stores right down the aforementioned East Coast. Police are now investigating which stores on the maps had already been robbed and which hadn’t, while the four alleged perpetrators have been released on $50,000 bond.

Guys, how about next time, trying for something a little more valuable or worthwhile, okay? Or at least something that won’t make you somebody’s play thing in jail.

For example, you can hear an automated message over the intercom informing you that you are about to crash. That’s what the the passengers on a British Airways flight from London to Hong Kong. They were actually doing just fine, the pilot hit the wrong switch. Whoops!

So why didn’t anyone tell Hadley Jons that?

Jons, a Michigan juror for a resisting arrest trial, decided that her mind was made up regarding the verdict. Unfortunately, the prosecution hadn’t quite finished its case yet. Double unfortunately, she decided to let her Facebook friends (and thereby, everyone on the internet) know exactly what her verdict was. That’s not what we call a smart decision.

The defense attorney subsequently let the judge know about this once the information was revealed. Jons was removed from the case and could potentially face some time in a jail cell (if the defense attorney has anything to say about it). While it’s probably increasingly difficult in this day and age to find an unbiased jury due to how plugged in everyone is, you’re kind of supposed to take the whole justice thing a bit seriously in the first place.

Attendant of Harvard Law School? Fairly select place to get in.

Winner of a Nobel Prize? Hey, they don’t necessarily just go about handing those out to everyone.

But now the man has been awarded potentially the greatest title he’s ever been given in his life. A Serbian festival that celebrates the potatoes of life has given Obama a “big balls award (link might be Not Safe For Work for you).”

President Obama was not present to accept the award, possibly off somewhere doing something extremely arrogant and manly, as his award denotes that he would do.

Seriously, it’s like people think there aren’t any securities for this sort of thing built into these machines.

This basically means that if you head out on a business trip with four of your male coworkers, odds are that one of them will be sleeping with a teddy bear that night. This information is shocking, and it certainly does not help our standing with the rest of the world. The Russians, who have Vladimir Putin and his whale hunting to look up to as an example of machismo, may get this news and see it as a sign of weakness. Before long, they’ll be ready to start up the Cold War again.

Men: Leave the stuffed animals at home, unless you want the Russians to nuke us.