Category: Regular Post

Holy crap! Another sh*tty runner?

The law doesn’t care how many “26.2” stickers you have on your car: keep it in your pants, runners.

Back in September, we reported on Colorado Springs’ Mad Pooper, a runner who defecated in public on a frequent basis during her jogs. Nobody caught her, although she apparently stopped after making the news.

BUT! Police did catch a different defecathlete in New Jersey. We call him: the Pooperintendent.

Police and staff at Holmdel High School caught the Superintendent (eh?) of a neighboring school, Thomas Tramaglini, allegedly brown-handed after finding poop daily on their track. We have no word whether Holmdel track coaches included his pinch times during laps.

He has been charged with lewdness and, hilariously, littering. So, let that be a warning, fellow runners: give a flip, don’t take a sh*t.

China will wet your pants for jaywalking

China is getting tough on jaywalking. In the sense that taking your picture and making your pants wet is getting tough.

The iron fist of Red China is coming down on people who cross the street against the traffic light, at least in the city of Daye. Authorities have set up sensors at major crosswalks that have facial recognition, and will spray you about waist level if you try to walk on red.

China, you’ve gone soft. You used to brutally crack down on lawlessness and rebellion. Now you control your people with gags that belong on TruTV.

Picture of stuffed anteater disqualified from photo award

There are a lot of unspoken rules in wildlife photography, like don’t swear at the animals, don’t pay the animals for their time, and no, your cats don’t count as wildlife. Another such rule is that they have to be real and alive. And one photographer lost an award for violating that one.

Britain’s Natural History Museum said it has disqualified a photo from its Wildlife Photographer of the Year award because the animal in question is dead and stuffed. The photo, taken in Brazil’s Emas National Park, depicts a large ant hill at night with an anteater coming up to feast. Turns out the anteater is a stuffed specimen usually on display at one of the park’s entrances.

Technically, it was wildlife at one point, though.

Kim Jong Un is bringing his own toilet to peace talks

The leaders of North and South Korea are meeting at a summit this week, and that’s pretty historic. But what’s also historic is that Kim Jong Un will only poop in his own toilet brought from home.

Kim and company brought along a special toilet for the North Korean leader alone to make a No. 2, and it’s all about national security. The North Koreans don’t want Western spies getting their hands on Kim’s crap because it could reveal medical and dietary information, sources say.

The toilet will be in a vehicle that is part of Kim’s convoy. So basically, during the peace talks between the two Koreas, at some point Kim is going to get up from the table, walk to his convoy, get in a car, and, we’re guessing, spend a good 45 minutes in it.

Study: Your lady thinks it’s hot when you do the dishes

There’s nothing sexier to a woman than doing chores together, according to a new study.

If you want to have a healthy relationship, you need to divide the chores evenly, a survey of U.S. couples found. Women who felt they did most of the work around the house were less likely to be satisfied in their relationship, as well as in the bedroom. Men didn’t really seem to associate the amount of chores with any other aspect of their relationship.

The study really highlights how hundreds of women can coordinate responses to a survey in a bid to change their man’s behavior. Sneaky stuff.

T. rex puppet not allowed to take enlistment oath, Army says

Clever girl.

The right to dinosaur arms has been infringed upon in Tennessee, we are sad to report.

The Tennessee National Guard has two jobs: two guard the border with Kentucky, and to bring sand bags when Nashville floods. It’s a very serious job, and the state Air National Guard takes it so seriously that it posted a video of a re-enlistment ceremony where the service member had a T. rex puppet on her hand.

Master Sgt. Robin Brown is a part of the Tennessee Air National Guard’s public affairs office — at least she was until the video of her re-enlistment got some negative feedback. The U.S. Army, typically known for its sense of humor, has pulled Brown off of public affairs, and even demoted the colonel who administered the oath her Brown and her dinosaur.

They said it was for mocking an honored tradition, but really, it’s because of the awful attempt at ventriloquism.

New Orleans cameras ticket parked cars for speeding

Speeding is taken very seriously in New Orleans. And the speeding cameras, which we know are just robots plotting against us, take it seriously as well.

Some New Orleans cameras take the infraction so seriously that they are issuing speeding tickets to parked cars. Yes, that’s a moving violation for a vehicle that’s not moving. Residents complain that they are legally parked on the street, and the cameras pick up their plates, rather than the offending vehicle’s as it passes through. Owners of the parked cars get the tickets, rather than the offenders.

One day, the robots will decide to fine us just for living.

No deal: Woman can’t trade car for Necco Wafers

There are a few candies hated by most people, but celebrated by a small but passionate few. Candy corn. Root beer barrels. Necco Wafers. People get nuts about this stuff.

A woman is so worried that Necco Wafers may be going out of business that she is offering her car for her favorite treat. The woman is from Florida, because of course it happened in the U.S. The company is trying to sell itself but can’t find a buyer yet and could close next month.

The woman offered candy wholesaler CandyStock.com her 2003 Honda Accord for the company’s entire Necco Wafers supply. CandyStock passed on the offer, making the first of two disappointments the woman will have in the coming weeks.

Sound waves could cure your E.D.

For guys, there is little more important than being able to get an erection when you want to. Which is why there are so many different drugs for erectile dysfunction. But guys are so desperate to have their penis work that they are fine with using sound waves.

GainsWave is a procedure where tens of thousands of sound waves go through a penis. Why? Because your junk appreciates a good tune. Also, because it supposedly helps improve blood flow. The developers of the treatment say the sound waves are stimulate the growth of new blood vessels and tissue.

So it’s kind of like talking to a plant.

 

New York City is running dangerously low on snacks

A few weeks back, we learned that Johannesburg, South Africa is expected to run out of water in April due to a severe drought. But New York City is facing a crisis far worse: it’s running out of Cheetos.

Stores across the city are running low on Cheetos because of a labor dispute with delivery drivers. Frito-Lay recently cut the pay of its drivers in the New York City area, prompting a fair amount of them to quit. The worker shortage has caused less frequent deliveries, which means stores are running out of Frito-Lay products.

So as you sit at the dinner table tonight, surrounded by loved ones, and polish off a bag of Doritos, remember the less fortunate.