Choosy Germans choose Nutella

Nutella may originate from Italy and be a giant hit in Australia, but Germany really seems to like Nutella. We mean REALLY like Nutella. How much do they like it? Enough to justify stealing five tons of it.

That said, five tons of Nutella — 10,000 pounds of the stuff — is only worth approximately 16,000 Euros. So who’s suffered the bigger lost, Germany for losing out on five tons of the spread, or the thieves for running off with a giant trailer filled with only 16 grand worth of product?

Protection without style is not protection at all

Ladies, if you’re going to carry a concealed weapon, at the very least, make sure that you’re looking good while doing so. That’s where Leslie Deets comes into play.

‘Being the self-proclaimed fashionista I am, I studied the current trends in women’s high-end handbags and concluded that demand would be high for a concealed-carry option that offered the utmost in both style and quality of material,’ said Deets on her website.

Annnnd The Guys have now found the most inadvertently funny statement of the year.

It was this or become Cardinals fans

"On National Day of the Cowboy, we ask that you, regardless of religious or team affiliation, remove your hat before asking sympathetically, 'How 'bout dem Cowboys?'"
“On National Day of the Cowboy, we ask that you — regardless of religious or team affiliation — remove your hat before asking sympathetically, ‘How ’bout dem Cowboys?'”

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signed into a law a holiday commemorating cowboys, saying that the American Southwest will never forget what a great team they were and could have been had they not signed Tony Romo for another six years.

“These men and women — of all races and backgrounds — are among the truest symbols of the American southwest,” Gov. Brewer said of Dallas fans, the largest and most annoying fan base in pro-football. “Even they deserve better than this.”

The holiday will take place on the fourth Saturday every July, or shortly before the Hall of Fame Game in which Romo will disappointingly kickoff the NFL preseason this year. In solidarity with Dallas’ salary cap, it will be an unpaid holiday.

Samoa Air weighs national treasure by the kilo

Samoa Air executives realize that passengers can't help their weight problem due to being Samoan, but will charge them per kilo anyway. Foot massages, however, are "not even in the same ballpark."
Samoa Air executives realize that passengers can’t help their weight problem due to being Samoan, but will charge them per kilo anyway. Foot massages, however, are “not even in the same ballpark.”

With everyone upset at airlines for introducing baggage fees a few years ago, it was only a matter of time before one decided to weigh you instead. And if you’ve ever read Marx, then you already knew that it would be the airline that would profit the most from passenger weight.

Samoa Air, which serves some of the largest people in the world, announced that it will now charge passengers by the kilo. On their shortest flight, the will charge $1 per kilo; on their longest flight to and from American Samoa — or Samoa, only with KFC — $4.16 a kilo.

The airline points out that, while this will mean higher ticket prices for larger passengers, this will also mean much cheaper airfare for children. Cheaper, that is, until they introduce fees per seatkick and crying jag.

Jesus is for states’ rights in N.C.

Probably what the Rowan County temple parking lot looks like on the Sabbath.
Probably what the Rowan County temple parking lot looks like on the Sabbath.

This may come as a bit of a surprise, but North Carolina’s not huge on social progress or the law.

A bill in the North Carolina House would establish a state religion just because they don’t want to have to stop praying in an overtly Christian way during local government meetings. This all stems from a dispute between the ACLU and the Rowan County government.

The ACLU has filed a lawsuit because the county board of commissioners has opened 97% of its meetings since 2007 with Christian prayers. It’s legal to pray at government meetings, just not specifically to one religion. Rather than tone down the name checks to Jesus, the local leaders kicked it up to the state level. Two Rowan County representatives introduced the bill that would not only make North Carolina officially Christian, but it would nullify any federal law or court ruling against it. Let’s take a look at the bill.

“The Constitution of the United States does not grant the federal government and does not grant the federal courts the power to determine what is or is not constitutional; therefore, by virtue of the Tenth Amendment to the Constitution of the United States.”

Does too.

“The North Carolina General Assembly asserts that the Constitution of the United States of America does not prohibit states or their subsidiaries from making laws respecting an establishment of religion.”

Wrong again.

“The North Carolina General Assembly does not recognize federal court rulings which prohibit and otherwise regulate the State of North Carolina, its public schools or any political subdivisions of the State from making laws respecting an establishment of religion.”

Actually, it’s the “supreme Law of the Land.”

We’ve been through this before, South. Don’t make us come down there again.

Chinese knock-off air pollution as deadly as the real thing

Products that boasted “Made in America” have become less reliable over the years. Despite that, China’s “Made in China” industry somehow has a much less reliable name. Lead paint, animal bones and illegal substances? “Made in China.” Not only that, you can get a knock-off of whatever you want in China! Want an iPhone 5? Get a Goophone (Made in China). iPad knock-off? They got that. A Superman figure? They got that, though it might be painted in green with red.

Want to knock-off the air pollution from Mexico City, the area that has regularly been known for being the most heavily polluted place on the planet? Yeah, China makes that, too.

Hungry for justice

The justices of the U.S. Supreme Court tried to go in together on a pizza, but are deadlocked and waiting for Justice Kennedy to choose between Meatlover's and Plain Cheese.
The justices of the U.S. Supreme Court tried to go in together on a pizza, but are deadlocked and waiting for Justice Kennedy to side with either Meat Lover’s or Plain Cheese.

During the case United States v. Windsor, U.S. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg reasoned that, since gay marriages that are legal at the state-level aren’t recognized by the federal Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), there are “two kinds of marriage; the full marriage, and then this sort of skim-milk marriage.”

Fans of the U.S. Supreme Court — or as they call themselves on Twitter and Facebook, Supreme Courtesans — may remember the “broccoli” argument from the case National Federation of Independent Businesses v. Sebelius, where businesses challenged the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act’s consitutionality. Also, about whether people have to eat broccoli.

And until we get the snack machines fixed in the Highest Court in the Land, we will continue to hear about skim milk, broccoli and maybe even grilled chicken during all of our most pressing legal discussions.

Kids now think it’s cool to follow the rules

All throughout The Guys’ childhood, adolescence, teenage and even college years, it just seemed really cool to not follow the rules. Whether that was cutting in line, stealing a Snickers bar, boosting a car or trespassing on a playground in the middle of night, we just thought it was so much better to do wrong than right.

How the times have changed. The Federal Trade Commission has put together a report stating that punk teenagers sneaking into the movie they’re not old enough to see yet is at an all time low. Teenagers playing the role of mystery shoppers (known as narcs in my day) have begun to see a new rule of cool, eliminating the usage of CAPS-LOCK and wearing sunglasses at night, but instead being prevented from buying M-rated games and R-rated tickets to movies.

What does this mean? Next time you think you’ve got that hook-up, you might want to double check it, just in case.

Now gun stores are violating our gun rights

"We prefer a hunch to research."
“We prefer a hunch over research.”

The battle over guns is getting so bad that even Mark Kelly’s 2nd Amendment rights are being violated.

The husband of former Rep. Gabby Giffords and former astronaut legally purchased an Sig Sauer M400 5.56mm rifle from Diamondback Police Supply in Tucson, Arizona earlier this month, and after taking some time to cool down during the waiting period, the gun store announced it would not sell Kelly the rifle, and not because it wouldn’t work in space.

 “While I support and respect Mark Kelly’s 2nd Amendment rights to purchase, possess, and use firearms in a safe and responsible manner, his recent statements to the media made it clear that his intent … was for reasons other then [sic] for his personal use. In light of this fact, I determined that it was in my company’s best interest to terminate this transaction prior to his returning to my store to complete the Federal From 4473 and NICS background check required of Mr. Kelly before he could take possession this firearm.”

–Douglas MacKinlay, owner of Diamondback Police Supply

So MacKinlay says he believes in Kelly’s right to bear arms, but named no legal reasoning to terminate the sale. He just didn’t want Kelly’s business after learning a bit more about him and what he believes in. Getting to know someone’s background and history a bit before completing a sale, why that sounds exactly like what the gun lobby is fighting against.

Kelly hasn’t reacted publicly to the news just yet, but we do know that he did go off and break up a dog-sea lion fight–unarmed.