Lethal hat tosses and car stunts are one thing
Posted on November 11, 2008
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Roger Moore, better known as the Bond who has been overshadowed by the legendary performances of George Lazenby and Timothy Dalton, says that he doesn’t like the direction the new James Bond movies have taken.
They are just too violent these days, Moore said. In his day, Bond was more pithy and relied on having intimate relations with strange women in order to entertain the crowd. Rampant sexism, racism and midgetism be damned, violence is the one thing than cannot be tolerated.
Remember when James Bond walked around with a little gun and made clever puns after people accidentally died through no fault of his? That Bond must certainly have a market today.
“I suggested my Bond would have charmed the information out of her by bedding her first. My Bond was a lover and a giggler, but I went along with Guy,” the British actor wrote.
Oh, James “Giggles” Bond, where have you gone?
Written by Bryan McBournieWhat a girly man
Posted on November 10, 2008
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The man who helped save the future (stand aside Danny DeVito) AND made political puns out of lame movie quotes couldn’t even muster his way into the bedroom during the election. California Governor and resident terminator Arnold Schwarzenegger revealed that his very liberal wife Maria Shriver had in fact been gloating around the house in the days following the election. Schwarzenegger was apparently out of the bedroom, and reportedly wad too afraid to ask Shriver who her daddy was, and what he did.
Written by Bryan SchoolsLaura Ingalls Wilder: Sexiest writer ever
Posted on November 7, 2008
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Finland is costly. So, so costly.
They charge a whole 2 Euros a minute to assess the age-based rating of a series that will be released on DVD. That’s very costly to Universal Pictures, the studio that wants to release the nine-season long Little House on the Prairie television show. They don’t have that type of money. We’re in a recession here, people! Universal decided to take the cheap route and forgo this process.
Unfortunately, it leaves Finland with only option left: they must rate Little House on the Prairie as an adults-only title.
Technicalities are funny.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorWhat happens when you let everyone onto Facebook?
Posted on November 6, 2008
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This. This is what happens when Facebook let everyone onto their social networking site.
Originally designed for college students, Facebook was the way to stalk that girl you sit behind in Lit class. You know, the one who’s always whale-tailin’ it up.
Back then, you could have a group dedicated to “dead baby” jokes or Elmo slash-fiction, and no one cared because they were busy getting into “it’s complicated with” relationships with their BFFs.
Not anymore.
Facebook opened her borders up to everyone. The high schoolers were first, trying to find new ways to display pictures of themselves looking in mirrors. Then, the parents joined.
Now every group has that one bored soccer mom trying to have a serious discussion about teen pregnancy on the “I Don’t Remember Last Night” group message board. (She followed her son, who is in college, there to keep tabs on him.)
So, good-bye “Dead Babies Make Me Laugh” group. Sorry all the moms with new babies didn’t find you as hilarious. It was fun while you lasted, but to be fair, you kids are not nearly as funny as our class was. We invented dead babies. Posers.
Written by Rick SneeExtinction sucks
Posted on November 6, 2008
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Michael Crichton has become like most of the characters in his books. Jurassic Park was a heckuva good read. We can only hope that, despite his attacks upon the scientific community, in a bit of irony, part of his DNA is encased in a piece of amber.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorIn non-election news …
Posted on November 5, 2008
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Believe it or not, there are other things going on in the news other than the election results.
For instance, there’s always profanity.
The United states Supreme Court is currently trying to decide whether the FCC can crack down on expletives used during daytime or early evening television. In particular, the FCC wants to curb fleeting expletives, like when inarticulate rock stars win awards or hate the President.
(The latter, of course, being less of a problem now … unless someone gives Ted Nuggent a lifetime achievement award in the field of “Nutballs who Constantly Outlive Relevancy.”)
Presenting the FCC’s case, U.S. Solicitor General Gregory G. Garre had this to say about “the F-word”:
“The F-word is one of the most graphic, explicit and vulgar words in the English language for sexual activity,” he said.
The most graphic, explicit and vulgar word in the English language? Somebody hasn’t heard of a blumpkin.
And arguing for The Guys is Jusitce Paul Stevens, who presented this riddle to Garre:
“What if a ‘particular remark was really hilarious, very funny? Would that cause the FCC to think twice about imposing a fine?’ he asked Garre.”
A fine question, Justice Stevens. A fine f–king question, indeedy.
Written by Rick SneeAnd this little piggy …
Posted on November 4, 2008
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Robbery is a horrible crime, as is the breaking and entering that usually accompanies it. It leaves the victims with a sense of violation, it leaves the criminals, however, richer, if not somewhat loaded down.
In Minnesota, police say they caught a man who stole eight piggy banks from a home, getting a total of $2,700 in change. Most change jars aren’t exactly light, and they certainly don’t have a grand or two in them, so eight piggy banks with $2,700 in them must have weighed a ton. The man took the piggy banks to a local bank and got his money changed over. Police say he was caught when a neighbor noticed the him leaving the house after the robbery.
Sadly, the piggy banks were broken beyong repair.
Written by Bryan McBournieThat’s some good S**T!
Posted on November 4, 2008
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Think those pompous Frenchies will be rude to you? Francois, you’ve just been one-upped. A tourist attraction in Sydney is being investigated after a family found poop in their gelato, the flavor: chocolate. The pub like to think their s**t don’t stink, but once they leaned a little bit closer, those roses really smelled like poo-poo.
The best part of this story: the pub offered $3,240 in “hush money.”
Written by Bryan SchoolsYour move, James Bond
Posted on November 3, 2008
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If you read SG, you probably have a lot of money to burn, just like us. That is why you will likely find yourself in a bidding war with us over Saddam Hussein’s yacht.
It’s got pools (because, you know, swimming in the water is something peasants do) a secret passage and, of course, a rocket launching system for the the remote chance or Iranian or U.S. warplanes attacking your 269-foot superyacht.
The French seized the boat a while back and tried to auction it off. However, in a court battle, the Frenchies drew up the white flag and said it is property of Iraq. Now it’s back up for sale, and we’re going to buy it. And don’t think we’re afraid to use chemical weapons on the competition.
Written by Bryan McBournieWhoever will they marry yet?
Posted on October 31, 2008
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Oh those crazy Japanese–if it weren’t for you, where would SG be?
In news that’s sure to make fans of Ah-ha think it’s life imitating art, a Japanese man has created a petitioning campaign to make it legal for human beings to marry fictional characters.
Seriously.
Stating that he is “no longer interested in three dimensions” and that he “would even like to become a resident of the two-dimensional world,” he is a sign that the world has completely gone bonkers. This could create an entire quandary of concerns:
- If he marries a known character, such as Optimus Prime or Speed Racer, do the rights of ownership stay with the original owners or become his?
- Since same-sex relationships are not recognized in Japan, what happens if Japan acknowledges the petition, but only allows same-sex marriages to take place?
- What would be proof of marriage? Fan-fiction? Bad fan-fiction (redundant, I know)?
- If the creator of the character is still alive, does he get say-so as the “parent”?
- Is Manga polygamy allowed?
- Have the Japanese just given up on informal socializing and procreation at this point?