No deal: Woman can’t trade car for Necco Wafers

There are a few candies hated by most people, but celebrated by a small but passionate few. Candy corn. Root beer barrels. Necco Wafers. People get nuts about this stuff.

A woman is so worried that Necco Wafers may be going out of business that she is offering her car for her favorite treat. The woman is from Florida, because of course it happened in the U.S. The company is trying to sell itself but can’t find a buyer yet and could close next month.

The woman offered candy wholesaler CandyStock.com her 2003 Honda Accord for the company’s entire Necco Wafers supply. CandyStock passed on the offer, making the first of two disappointments the woman will have in the coming weeks.

Sound waves could cure your E.D.

For guys, there is little more important than being able to get an erection when you want to. Which is why there are so many different drugs for erectile dysfunction. But guys are so desperate to have their penis work that they are fine with using sound waves.

GainsWave is a procedure where tens of thousands of sound waves go through a penis. Why? Because your junk appreciates a good tune. Also, because it supposedly helps improve blood flow. The developers of the treatment say the sound waves are stimulate the growth of new blood vessels and tissue.

So it’s kind of like talking to a plant.

 

New York City is running dangerously low on snacks

A few weeks back, we learned that Johannesburg, South Africa is expected to run out of water in April due to a severe drought. But New York City is facing a crisis far worse: it’s running out of Cheetos.

Stores across the city are running low on Cheetos because of a labor dispute with delivery drivers. Frito-Lay recently cut the pay of its drivers in the New York City area, prompting a fair amount of them to quit. The worker shortage has caused less frequent deliveries, which means stores are running out of Frito-Lay products.

So as you sit at the dinner table tonight, surrounded by loved ones, and polish off a bag of Doritos, remember the less fortunate.

Jesus is back and he wants pizza

After taking nearly 2,000 years off, Jesus Christ has finally returned. And as it was foretold in scripture, He returned to break into a Pizza Hut in North Carolina.

In the wee hours of the morning, Christ broke a window at a Pizza Hut in High Point, N.C. and ate a pizza, washed down with a Mountain Dew. The Son of God, because He’s a pretty honest guy, then called 911 to report what he had done. He identified himself as Jesus Christ, and announced that He had some back to Earth. And lo, then the dispatcher asked him what He looked like. The King of the Jews replied, “I look like Jesus — what else am I supposed to look like?”

He then gave the dispatcher a message to spread to all of God’s children: “We’re tired of Judases on this Earth. We’re going to clean this Earth up.”

The unbelieving police officers soon arrested Him, and charged Him with breaking and entering and larceny. They even falsely booked Him under the name Richard Lee Quintero. This is God’s plan.

Utah bar association emails boobs

It’s happened to everyone: you spend some time drafting a really important email, and just after you send it, you realize there’s an embarrassing mistake. The Utah State Bar knows what that feels like.

The Utah State Bar sent out an email reminder about its spring convention, which starts tomorrow, and apparently still has room available. The email also contained a photo of a woman’s bare breasts. There was no further information about the breasts, such as why they were in the email or if they would be attending the convention. Just boobs in an otherwise professional email. And that email was sent out to every single lawyer in the state. The Utah State Bar is investigating.

Now that’s how you make sure people open your email.

Post office not sending to nudes

A nudist resort in Florida certainly has no shortage of packages, but the people say they aren’t getting any packages through the mail.

Residents of Eden RV Resort and City Retreat in Florida are complaining that they aren’t receiving their mail when a female carrier refuses to deliver when she fills in. Their regular mail carrier apparently has no problems delivering, though. The nudists say the U.S. Postal Service has not tried to resolve the issue in any way.

“Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds (except for naked people).” — U.S. Postal Service creed

Injecting yourself with poo a bad idea, doctors warn

Folks, here’s a reminder for you: don’t inject yourself with poo, be it your own or someone else’s. We know you, dear reader, already know that, but you may want to tell your dumb friends.

Doctors are concerned about a new trend of people injecting themselves with poo. People on YouTube are blending up poo (hopefully then throwing out their blender) and giving themselves enemas. There are even web sites set up to connect donors with poo recipients.

Doctors do fecal transplants for treatment of certain illnesses, so why can’t you do it at home? Aside from being super gross, there’s no screening of the poo, so there’s a decent chance that you’re injecting yourself with microbes that can lead to serious deadly health problems.

So once again, ask your doctor if blending poo and then putting it in your own butt is right for you. Perhaps our own Dr. Snee can help.

Farting, fighting over farting not against law in Austria

We’ve all had days where the gas coming out of our butts could make a flower wilt. But we probably haven’t experienced such a thing on a plane, much less had that plane forced to land because of the flatulence.

A flight from Dubai to Amsterdam had to be diverted last week after passengers became unruly over one man’s farts. According to reports, a passenger’s continued farting caused trouble, understandably, with two other passengers on the plane. It got so bad that a fight broke out, even after the pilot had warned the unruly passengers. The plane made an unscheduled stop in Vienna to remove the people causing the disturbance. Austrian police set no charges were filed.

Hopefully they left the doors open to ventilate the cabin before continuing on to their destination.

Mr. T is really into curling now

The Olympics are on, and that means the world is sitting down to watch a bunch of sports they ordinarily we would normally skip right past scrolling through our TV channels. In a week and a half, no one will care about bobsled or ice dancing.

But Mr. T is all-in on curling.

 

 

 

We are all Mr. T right now.

Team Norway orders 15,000 eggs by accident

Ever wanted to become an Olympic athlete? Turns out you need to eat eggs — a whole lot of eggs. That’s probably what Team Norway is doing after they mistakenly ordered 10 times more eggs than they could possibly need.

The chefs for Norway’s Olympic team tried to order 1,500 eggs from a supermarket in South Korea, using Google Translate as an intermediary. So the team was surprised when 15,000 eggs showed up for delivery. No one’s sure where there extra zero got added in the process.

But if you’re at the Pyeongchang Games want some killer omelettes, go find the Norwegians. They probably have a few eggs to spare.