No commies, no space race

The big question on NASA’s giant collective mind right now: Mars or Saturn?

And for the more sophomoric out there, no, Uranus is not “an ideal spot ripe for exploration.”

Until NASA makes its choice, expect further tax dollars funneled into robots that do not work, only sent to two locations instead of one. By the way, isn’t there a space station and telescope these guys don’t play with anymore?

Who says American kids can’t learn?

They’ve already figured out how to shirk responsibility like their parents.

Native-born American students have once again been trounced by their immigrant counterparts in the classroom. The foreign students say grades are accomplished by “studying harder.” The Americans say “better teaching.”

Probably the worst part of this survey is the “no duh” factor. I’m a student still. Of course I’m lazy and will gladly blame anyone else.

After all, isn’t that the American way?

And you thought old people sucked hard

Stories like these truly reek hard of bottom of the barrel, low grade zombie movies. I should know-I’m a big fan of them. Unfortunately, I don’t even see it being green-lit by Lion’s Gate Films, or even Artisan Pictures before the buy out. I mean, this screams of a whole new form of social commentary that George Romero couldn’t even think of…….thankfully.

Ambien of the Dead”, anyone?

Choosey coroners choose Jiff money

Until November, only soccer moms shied away from peanut butter since it might kill kids with allergies. Then 15-year-old Christina Desforges’s boyfriend killed her with peanut butter breath, and most likely, over-the-shirt groping. And what geographical location ruined peanut butter for everyone eyeing first base? Quebec, of course.

It’s only fair they screwed up peanut butter; after all, they restored baseball to non-French status by selling the Expos to DC.

Now local coroner, Michael Miron, says peanut butter was not the culprit. However, he will not disclose the new details of Desforges’s death. Perhaps she choked on something else?