Schadenfreude: Go wild

Losing your shirt that you bought by getting drunk girls to do the same? Mm, Schadenfreude.
Losing your shirt that you bought by getting drunk girls to do the same? Thank you, Schadenfreude.

When sleazes like Joe Francis are able to exploit inebriated college girls into a multimillion-dollar empire, you’re bound to wonder why you bother following any rules at all. Why even bother showing up to work when Joe’s up there right now, banging your daughter on his private jet?

Well, the Office Morale Team is here, and we’ve brought you a whole case of 5-hour Schadenfreude drinks*: Francis’ company that produces Girls Gone Wild filed for bankruptcy, and it was mostly due to his own douchetacular f–ckuppery. The company has been forced to pay $10.3 million dollars to cover his slander of and gambling debts to casino mogul Steve Wynn.

So, even after the U.S. government failed to Al Capone him in 2007 for tax evasion, it was the gambling industry that finally dispensed our mob justice.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

*Warning! Consuming more than one 5-hour Schadenfreude drinks within a five hour timeframe can result in dizziness, nausea and diarrhea that you’re convinced does not stink.

It’s only a crime when you’re not demonstrating it, right?

It’s Super Bowl time, which means we clearly don’t need to worry about anything that happens west of New Orleans, right? Wrong. Roxanne Rubin, ever-vigilant patriot that’s not a journalist at all, decided to do some undercover journalism and crack the lid open on voting fraud by proving it exists.

“But Guys,” you may say, “the election was November. That’s two, three months ago.” And we’ll nod our heads and simply ask to turn on the Keurig, break out a cup and keep reading. That cup of schadenfreude will soon be yours.

Rubin, in her steadfast passion, managed to prove something: voter fraud can be committed. She also proved that she could be arrested for committing voter fraud and found guilty in a court of law after copping a plea bargain. Remember, she’s not a journalist, not that the line “It’s okay, I’m an undercover journalist” tends to fly that well in a court of law.

Mmmm-mmm, smell that schadenfreude. Drink deep and enjoy, faithful reader.

Coke and porn stars only funny when implied?

Now that Egypt’s Jasmine Revolution is over as far as Americans are concerned, we can resume our focus on domestic issues. And that domestic issue is Charlie Sheen.

In the latest chapter of what will undoubtably fill future history books, Chuck Lorre–creator of Two and a Half Men–has called Sheen out in those two-second long screens at the end of his shows’ credits. With shooting on hiatus until Sheen gets his porn star and coke habit in control, Lorre wrote that he will be pissed if Sheen outlives him.

Seriously? A show is on hold because the lead actor in a show loosely based on his actual life because of porn stars and coke? Just move the cameras to his house and start taping off the cuff. The kid’s old enough for his own Valtrex prescription, so let’s dump with the innuendo and make Jon Cryer really uncomfortable on set.

It’s gotta be more interesting than whatever Kardashians do.

Schadenfreude: ‘She was asking for it’

There are many fine coffees in the world, many found in France, Switzerland and other countries with no extradition laws. The rest of us must settle for Dunkin’ Donuts.

Or, there’s also the ultimate pick-me-up: Schadenfreude.

Roman Polanski, who gets to enjoy those special international blends, recently spoke to the press about his unfinished sentence for drugging and having “unlawful intercourse” with a 13-year-old girl.

Polanski complained about the Los Angeles prosecutors’ who are using the case for publicity. (We’d use their names, but none of the news stories identified them.)

The Academy Award-winning director begged “only to be treated fairly like everyone else.” To which L.A. prosecutors replied, “We’re trying to.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

Schadenfreude: The taste you know

In an uncertain world, we rely on the few certain things in our lives or–more importantly–the lives of others to make everything make sense. It’s what wakes us up in the morning, ready to face whatever uncertainties the world will throw at us.

There, that should be enough Schadenfreude to get you to five o’clock. It’s the taste you know you love, especially after pouring it in Jesse James’ rehabed lap.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

Republican celebs embrace third-party ghetto

She might be the best thing to ever happen to abortion.You know the media and losing party are still suffering from post-election depression when they make a big deal out of a congressional election in New York. The Guys are normally better than this, too, but the stupid is too strong to ignore.

Sarah Palin–like you didn’t see that coming–and Rick Santorum have announced their endorsements for the 23rd District Representative race. They’re not for the Republican candidate for 23rd District Representative, Dede Scozzafava, but for the Conservative Party candidate, Doug Hoffman.

So, this is where the leaders of the Republican Party are at: endorsing third-party candidates when their front-runner is pro-choice. You know, the same mentality that cost every Democratic nominee their election when hippies couldn’t compromise on environmental issues, socialism and whatever a Dennis Kucinich does.

So, thanks for the laughs and the coffee–an afternoon rush of Schadenfreude Espresso.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it your daily shameful joy.

Schadenfreude: Make a scene

It’s the early afternoon. You already got away for lunch. There’s maybe one more break in the afternoon, but you don’t even smoke anymore.

Wouldn’t it be great if your entire career was wearing evening gowns to mall openings? That your only actual work was to maintain a healthy body weight and try not sound like a moron in your annual job interview pageant?

Well, buck up, little camper: Carrie Prejean is no longer Miss California USA.

After receiving a second chance from Donald Trump to hold her title, she showed her gratitude by being a lousy beauty queen.

It’s like the national-level judges somehow knew she’s an idiot when they denied her the Miss USA crown. Of course, she’s the one who brought her comments to the media’s attention when she lost in the first place.

Taking a PR page from Heidi and Spence Montag, she’s now accusing Trump and the California-level authorities of firing her because of her anti-same sex marriage stance … a month after they defended her for it.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

Shadenfreude: Light at the end of the tunnel

It always seems darkest before the dawn. Reality television has struck new lows this year:

  • Clowncar vagina moms
  • Crossovers between the worst shows by the worst “celebrity” couple since Hitler and Eva’s home movies at the Eagle’s Nest
  • MILFhunting

It’s enough to make you kill yourself in a tragic masturbation accident, just because waking up is hard to do. Well, put that silk curtain cord down and fire up your room’s Mr. Coffee, because Schadenfreude will make everything right again.

Unless you're making a cup for someone you don't particularly like.A French court has ruled that reality TV performers are owed salaries, overtime compensation, holidays and even damages for wrongful termination when eliminated or voted off of their shows.

This means that reality “stars” are now as expensive as professional actors, and the returns for reality shows will be on par with creative, scripted television.

So, sure, we’re eliminating some Schadenfreude opportunities of sub-human attention whores climbing greased ropes to stay on an island with no food … but that’s what the DMV is for.

And also, mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

Schadenfreude: Too metal for Sony, too metal for the law

By now, you’re probably sitting down and looking at this page near your lunch time. Still, who doesn’t like a nice cup of coffee at lunch? Especially when it’s the Schadenfreude blend.

Robert Snively of Port Clinton, Ohio, should be having a moment of clarity right now, because the man is headed for town court over Guitar Hero. Heh.

Snively, 33, was jamming away on the game late at night this past weekend, pissing off his neighbors.

For the last time.

They got the boys in blue on him, who proceeded to show up and promptly write him a ticket. Since he’s a repeat offender for this sort of thing, that means he’s off to court in April.

Let’s face it people: this is sad. Now, I’ve been known to have people who lived below me in college ask to turn whatever I’m dealing with down. I’ve also had to do the same thing for people who have lived below me. But when you’re 33? And you’re a repeat offender? That’s just pathetic. And hilarious.

Mm, Schadenfreude. Taste that? That’s called being better than other people, having more common sense than most and reveling in the misery of others.