Category: Schadenfreude (TM)

Schadenfreude: Like a bottle rocket in your cornhole

At this point, unless you’re in California, it’s the afternoon, and — if you’re reading this — you’re at work instead of celebrating St. Patrick’s Day in full frat-boy revelry.

It’s times like this that you begin to wonder, “Why didn’t I videotape the stupid stuff I did in college, make millions and not work here?” (Especially if you still have trouble sitting down in your rolly-chair.) “I could be a lazy damn jackass like Steve-O right now.”

Like who? Oh, you mean the guy who injured his back rehearsing for Dancing with the Stars, the most ironically-named show for Hollywood has-beens on television?

That’s right. Not only was Steve-O trying to revive his nutwrenching career with the over-30 couch potato demographic, but he injured his back doing it and might be cut from the show. At least he can console himself with his huge tattoo … of himself.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s afternoon’s shameful joy.

A tragic ending to a fairytale relationship

We’ve got some sad news today. It seems that even with things thawing out in the hemisphere, hearts are not melting in Alaska. Yes, to the shock of the country, Bristol Palin and her fiancé, Levi Johnston, have broken up. Even more disheartening is the fact that it apparently happened “weeks ago.” Hmmmm, wasn’t there some sort of romantic holiday a few weeks ago?

NO!!! It can’t be true! Please tell me Bristol and That Dude Who Knocked Her Up didn’t break up on Valentine’s Day!!!

It’s sad but true. The one-time political tool of the Republican party is no more. Their two-month-old symbol of hypocrisy at home, Tripp, however, remains ever present. In February, grandmother and Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin told FOX News’ Greta Van Susteren that the couple was doing fine and planned to get married after high school.

Wait, has nobody told mom yet? When you do, hide her guns.

Schadenfreude fuels sports

We are in the midst of the annual sports dark ages. Football is over, though they keep trying to push that back further and further. Baseball has only just started. Hockey is still hockey: the soundtrack for drinking LeBatt Blue.

What is a sports fan to do when the only big stories on ESPN are trade moves and novelty plastic bowling ball tournaments? What will wake you up in the morning when there’s nothing in the paper for you but your horoscope?

Did we mention that Terrell Owens got fired again?

That’s right: the biggest overpaid media poison-pill got handed his pink slip by the Dallas Cowboys. At this point, his best chances for playing in the league are Oakland, who fills its stands with LARPing nerds, and Washington, who will — and it pains me to say this — overpay for any “name.”

(Although, they should know better about headcase wide receivers since Michael Westbrook.)

So, put on a pot of glorious Schadenfreude and pour one out to our homey, T.O. Maybe in this current economic climate, the self-appointed king of his universe might have to put his resume on Monster.com like the rest of us.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

Why Schadenfreude? Because you can afford it

Another morning, another day that your parents will ask you, “When are you going to give me a grandbaby?” (Apparently, they want a sexless grandchild.)

And then there’s Nadya Suleman, the single mother who just gave birth to octuplets because she had fertility treatments, implanted all six fertilized embryos and already had six children to boot. If she can do it, what excuse do you have for wannabe Grampy and Mom-mom?

It’s days like this that make it impossible to start your day …

Ah, but she can’t. Suleman’s now begging for handouts online, accepting Visa, MasterCard, American Express, PayPal and Discover.

Oh, Nadya. Nobody takes Discover. That’s just sad.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

Schadenfreude the Pick-Me-Up

Wednesday. Hump Day.

It’s the middle of the week, which means you’re halfway through work, but you still have a whole half week of work in front of you.

Mornings like this need a steamy cup of Schadenfreude to send you screaming like a Viking berserker into the office for three more days, charging through expense reports or pouring mounds of sawdust on that kid’s puke.

(Schadenfreude is perfect for any economic class.)

Or perhaps you’re an almost-forgotten living campaign slogan that annoyed America for a whole month, contributing to the loss of your candidate. Now that the election’s over, you might try anything to get the country’s attention again, like trying to distance yourself from that loser.

Of course that’s not you. Nobody wants to be Joe the Plumber. (He should probably get back to work, you know, in plumbing, like a good taxpaying American.)

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

Schadenfreude: International blend

Good morning! And what a morning it is: the dawning of yet another wonderful day!

Just think of the day you have ahead of you: showering, sitting in traffic, going to work, eating a lousy lunch with people you hate, sitting in more traffic, cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen — all while trying not to beat your children! Goodness, but these are blessed times, aren’t they?

No, they aren’t. When your only relaxation is going to a gym to work out, you really hate the people that make it look so easy. People like, oh, Martha Stewart …

Well, guess who’s persona non gratis in the United Kingdom? Yep, Martha’s life was easy when she was given insider trading tips, but now she’s not allowed to visit investors and business partners in Merry Olde England.

And that, we think, is a good thing.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

Schadenfreude: Sometimes it does taste like justice

Alright, it’s Friday. You think you don’t need a strong pick-me-up to start your favorite weekday. But is it 5 o’clock yet?

Yeah, didn’t think so. You still have to finish up the week’s drudgery while the kids off from school are already “warming up” the pool. (Don’t open your eyes underwater.) And you still need to fudge your time card before you sit in traffic with all of the other TGI-mother-Fers.

What you need is a steamy cup of all-natural Schadenfreude.

Jack Thompson, who you should be familiar with if you’ve ever read this blog or listened to a parent about video games, is in danger of being “found guilty on 27 of 31 counts of misconduct” by the Florida Supreme Court.

That’s right: Mr. Listen-to-me-because-I’m-a-lawyer may be demoted to crazy-angry-guy-on-talk-shows. He won’t be able to legally exploit the families of slain police officers because he can’t figure out the squares and circles on a Playstation controller.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

Schadenfreude: Feel better about your secret closet kink

Do like reporting? Enjoy CNN, but just hate some of the dirt-bags that give you the news? While we’re at it, do like enjoy hamsters, candles and guys in leather named Steve? Then take ease, noble citizen, that there are most certainly individuals out there that are way more kinkier than you are!

Better minds than those that belong to The Guys have no doubt been coming up with plenty of fantastic headlines all this past weekend to describe the strange case of CNN reporter Richard Quest, who was arrested in Central Park last week with what law enforcement agents described as “a rope around his neck that was tied to his genitals, and a sex toy in his boot.” Ew.

In the meantime, we’re just gonna take this opportunity to remind you once again that meth is one helluva of a drug, kids.

Schadenfreude: Feel better about your broken dreams

It’s Monday!  Yay!  What better way is there to follow-up a lazy weekend than to go to your dream job and embark on another week of meaningful employment?

What’s that?  You hate your job?  You didn’t want to be an analyst, but a rock star?  Well, things didn’t work out for you, unlike American Idol winners.  Don’t you hate how they don’t even need a band, much less a garage and lousy drummer, to become famous?

You know what will make it better?  Starting your week with a savory cup of Schadenfreude.

Her successor hasn’t even been named yet, but Jordin Sparks may never sing again, thanks to “an accute vocal chord hemmorage.”  Jordans around the world are rejoicing, as is the alcoholic/caffeinated beverage that unwittingly shares her last name.

Mm, Schadenfreude: it may be shameful, but it’s still joy.

Start your morning with a cup of Schadenfreude

Good morning … or was it?  Did you have trouble pulling yourself out of bed to shower a body you hate, go to a job that you never wanted, just so you can send some broken condoms to college in a few years?

You had plans.  You were going to be a big deal.  An astronaut.  A porn star.  An astro-porn star-naut.  But it didn’t happen.

You know what will make your morning a good one?  A steaming hot cup of Schadenfreude.

Remember Rachel Dratch?  Yeah, apparently neither did her SNL co-stars.  She’ll have her own cup of delicious Schadenfreude soon, though, once Baby Mama tanks at the box office.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.