(Actual) clown running for Congress

With politics the way they are these days, it’s hard to imagine things getting more ridiculous. But voters in South Carolina could have a chance to send a real clown to Washington, D.C.

Steve Lough is a former clown with Ringling Brothers. But apparently he’s hanging up his big floppy shoes and ready to represent the people of South Carolina’s fifth district. He’s running as a Democrat, and seeking his party’s nomination for this fall’s election. Lough said one of his main issues is preventing mass shootings from happening again.

So, he’s a sad clown.

Deer semen is the currency of Texas politician’s campaign

Ana Lisa Garza is running for a seat in the Texas House of Representatives, and she’s challenging the long-time occupant of that seat in a primary tomorrow. There’s something different about Garza’s campaign. It’s gotten a lot of donations in the form of deer semen.

For most of the country, deer are a nuisance animal that we need to cull every year so we hit fewer of them with our cars. In Texas, they must not have this problem, because there’s a deer breeding industry. According to a report, Garza’s campaign has received some $51,000 in donation in the form of deer semen in frozen straws. The campaign has probably taken the in-kind donation and then sold the straws to keep as funding.

Fun fact: One “collection” from a buck can fill up to 60 straws.

Elvis lives, and he’s running as a Libertarian

Celebrities these days are so political.

Because it’s 2018, and there is no such thing as politics as usual anymore, there is a man named Elvis Presley running for Congress. Of course there is.

Decades ago, Elvis Presley made it big not only because he co-opted rhythm and blues and made it white, but because he was the first white guy in recorded history to shake his hips. Today, Elvis A. Presley, an Elvis impersonator who changed his name, is running for one of Arkansas’ seats in the House of Representatives. He is running as a Libertarian, challenging Rep. Rick Crawford, R-Ark.

We hope to see Presley on the Capitol Hill next year, if only to see him order a peanut butter and banana sandwich during an all-night session.

Kansas moves to ban bad dogs from running for governor

It’s nice to see some common-sense solutions being brought forward by our leaders for a change. Our friends in Kansas are our to make sure no animal tries to take over their government again.

Last week we told you about how Hutch the dog tried to run for governor, but was denied. (Bad dog, Hutch!) The Kansas House of Representatives just passed a bill restricting who can run for governor. If it becomes law, no animal would be able to run for governor ever again.

Of course, the bill would also block minors from running for governor, too. But when have people under the age of 18 ever sought to make their community a better place?

Coup averted: Dog cannot run for governor in Kansas

Today is a big day. Today our faith was reaffirmed in the system and its ability to keep us safe from our enemies, the animals. A dog cannot run for governor in Kansas.

Hutch the dog applied to run for governor of Kansas last weekend. Rather, the humans he controls filled out the paperwork for him. And this week the Kansas Secretary of State’s Office ruled that Hutch cannot run because he would not be able to carry out the responsibilities of such a position.

Obviously, an animal takeover of our democratic process is the greatest threat to our country today. We have a glimpse into the hell that a Hutch administration would look like His campaign managers said Hutch planned on naming his sister and brother lieutenant governor and secretary of state. Nepotism much?

WWJS?

"I died to erase your search history."
“I died to erase your search history.”

Another Easter is over, and how did many of its most vocal adherents spend it? By switching to Bing.

While the date of Easter shifts around thanks to the miracle of modern calendaring, March 31st is also Cesar Chavez Day, a holiday commemorating the birthday of the Mexican-American farmer, union organizer and civil rights leader. So, when Google changed its Doodle to honor Chavez instead of Jesus’ big comeback, you can expect the reaction was less than measured from the Right.

The Google Doodle has already been the bane of the Fox Nation after failing to observe only the days they want it to, like Memorial Day, Veterans Day, Flag Day and the anniversaries of D-Day and the attack on Pearl Harbor. And while Google has gotten away with not doing an Easter Doodle since 2000, the tech giant brought all the fury down on themselves by honoring some socialist who taught the poor how to take care of themselves instead.

On a personal note: The Guys are also offended, but only because Google honored Cesar Chavez and not Cesar Romero, the guy who played the Joker on the 1960’s Batman TV series. But, we’re not, like, reduce-the-quality-of-our-Internet-searches-mad about it.

Alaska Rep. Don Young’s ‘Mad Men’ audition panned

"Is it still racist if I say that any one machine is worth 25 to 30 Mexicans, instead?"
“Is it still racist if I say that one machine is worth 25 to 30 Mexicans instead?”

U.S. Rep. Don Young, R-Alaska, did the time warp during a radio interview on Thursday. Citing the progress we’ve made in industry, while making none himself, Young explained: “My father had a ranch; we used to have 50 to 60 wetbacks to pick tomatoes.” Now, however, “It takes two people to pick the same tomatoes now. It’s all done by machine.”

(We presume he used the term “machine” because he wasn’t sure if his interviewer had seen Battlestar Galactica and would understand what a “toaster” is.)

Young issued a statement later to explain his use of the term “wetbacks,” saying, “I know that this term is not used in the same way nowadays and I meant no disrespect.”

See? He meant no disrespect; that’s just how people talked back then or if you’re a racist today. And if we offended Rep. Young by calling him a racist for saying a racist thing, then we assure him that we mean all of the disrespect implied.

UPDATE: Bikes only contribute more spandex to environment

Although bicyclists don't exhale enough CO2 to contribute to greenhouse gases, there is concern over the amount of performance enhancing drugs they leak into the French countryside every July.
Although bicyclists don’t exhale enough CO2 to contribute to the greenhouse effect, there is concern over the amount of performance enhancing drugs they leak into the French countryside every July.

In case you were wondering, riding a bicycle does not contribute a damaging amount of carbon dioxide to the atmosphere.

That announcement comes from the office of Ed Orcutt, a ranking Republican member of the Washington state House of Representatives Transportation committee, who recently had to retract a written statement claiming otherwise. In a letter to a bike shop owner, Dan Carlson, Orcutt defended his proposal to attach a $25 fee to bicycle sales over $500 by claiming:

A cyclists has [sic] an increased heart rate and respiration … Since CO2 is deemed a greenhouse gas and a pollutant, bicyclist are actually polluting when they ride.

What’s the deal? Are those who fail science doomed to run as Republicans?

It’s not a filibuster

Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., coaches his copilot through a fleet of Democrat senators as he tries to remember the code for blocking a cabinet nominee without letting on that it's a filibuster.
Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., coaches his copilot through a fleet of Democrat senators as he tries to remember the code for blocking a cabinet nominee without letting on that it’s a filibuster.

The Republican members of the U.S. Senate might have an addiction. The first sign of any addiction is to hide it in plain sight, which is precisely what the GOP is attempting with their latest filibuster, this time against Secretary of Defense nominee, Chuck Hagel.

Knowing that their Congressional members already took a hit as the “Party of No” this past election, but unable to give up the sweet, sweet ride of holding their breath until the president goes away, they blocked the vote to confirm Hagel’s nomination. But, they’re adamant that it’s not a filibuster.

No, they’re claiming the vote was too soon, as Sen. Lamar Alexander, R-Tenn., put it. Or that they want to force the nomination to be approved by 60 votes, as Sen. Jim Inhofe, R-Okla., stated outright. But, no, even though they’re blocking a vote they’ve spent weeks talking about (and trying to link to Benghazi), and even though they want to invoke cloture … it’s not a filibuster.

You know, guys, that the first step to overcoming addiction is admitting that you have a problem, right? And if blocking a cabinet appointment isn’t rock bottom, then the Guys don’t have a drinking problem when we start chugging the vermouth.