Category: Scurry (Politics)

| Filed under Scurry '16

Miss him yet?

Looks like conservatives are finally ready for one of ol' Dubya's famous back rubs.
Looks like conservatives are finally ready for one of ol’ Dubya’s famous back rubs.

For nearly eight years, Republicans and other right-leaning types smugly pretended to miss President George W. Bush while also being very careful not to be seen in public with him or associated with him, his spending or his expansion of the federal government in any way. But, it only took potential President Donald Trump (yeah, we said it) to send them running back to him.

The “compassionate conservative” — as proved by his recent forays into painting — is now making appearances at fundraisers for vulnerable Congressional candidates. Some are at-risk of primary challenges by Trump-supporting nightmares, others of disgusted independent and reasonable Republican voters who now associate the entire party with Trump. He’s already helped out Senators John McCain (who really used to hate Bush after the 2000 Republican primary) of Arizona and Kelly Ayotte of New Hampshire, and is booked to be seen with Senators Roy Blunt of Missouri, Rob Portman of Ohio and Ron Johnson of Wisconsin.

And we know Fox News misses him after years of fomenting the “grassroots” Tea Party because Brett Baier channeled Dubya to botch a never-in-a-lifetime-(unless-you’re-Richard-Gere) opportunity to interview the Dalai Lama.

To be fair, Trump might have us all finally missing Foughty-Three a little. Not enough to buy a painting, though. (Maybe a print for the bathroom, though.)

| Filed under Booze News, Scurry '16

Budweiser finishing what Trump started

Only pinkos and degenerates drink Miller or Coors.
Budweiser: the best beer. The greatest, classiest beer you’ve ever shotgunned. We promise you.

Not that we care what other countries think of us (if their citizens mattered, they’d live here), but they’re a little concerned with how easily we nominated Donald Trump as one of two candidates to run our government/basically the world. The Republican primary race wasn’t even close, no matter how long Kasich thought just staying in was 90 percent of winning.

As if in the beer aisle, Americans looked at the GOP’s offerings, and — after briefly considering giving the dark stout one a shot — shrugged, said “f*ck it” and pulled the lever for the Budweiser of candidates.

And, now that America has people all over the world wondering if we’ve really lost our minds that badly, Anheuser-Busch is ready to relabel Budweiser as “America” for the summer. Sure, it’s probably the best-selling beer in America, but should we celebrate that?

| Filed under Scurry (Politics)

Rising polls: Korean politician may have bought votes for dude pills

One of the hallmarks of a democracy is voter fraud. Sure, we have our little scandals here in the U.S. And we learned that things in Romania are much worse. But South Korea may have everyone beat.

Today is election day in South Korea, and elderly male voters in one town outside Seoul will go to the polls with poles thanks to free erectile dysfunction medication. Korean authorities announced they are looking into allegations that old guy votes were bought off with free pills.

The allegations were first reported by the newspaper Dong-A Ilbo. If you laughed at that, you’re probably a regular reader of this site.

| Filed under Scurry (Politics)

N.Y. Dems blame TP shortfall on Republicans

In times like these, belts have to be tightened, and the New York state Senate is no different. However, complaints are arising that budgets have been cut too far on toilet paper.

Senate Democrats are complaining that the Republicans are limiting their toilet papers supplies, and it’s really chapping their hides. It’s gotten so bad that staffers bring their own rolls to work. Republican Senate Majority Leader John Flanagan denies that there is any preferential treatment in toilet paper distribution.

Government waste continues to be a huge problem.

| Filed under Facepalm, Scurry '16

Don’t call it a setback, he was never ahead

Jesus. At least pick up the knife if it burns your fingers, Lord Fauntleroy.
Jesus. At least pick up the knife if your Veggie Lover’s slice burns your fingers, Lord Fauntleroy.

Republican presidential also-runner, John Kasich found himself skewered in the press for eating pizza with a fork in QueensThe Ohio state governor complained that his pizza was too hot, but fortunately didn’t drop it in his lap. Otherwise, his first executive order (in the universe where Republicans primary voters instinctively support whoever looks most like Otter from Animal House) would be to slap a warning label on pizza boxes.

We’d describe this as John Kasich’s Mike Dukakis tank ride or Howard Dean yell, but he has no lead to blow. Which is what some aide should have done to his pizza.

Sure, we could bring you real election news, but does Donald “Punish Women who get Abortions” Trump need more coverage? We think not.

| Filed under Facepalm, Scurry (Politics)

McBoatface: a uniter in a sea of discord

Like Bernie, Boaty still believes in doing huge (YUUUGE) things, like exploring what little Arctic is left.
Like Bernie, Boaty still believes in doing huge (YUUUGE) things, like exploring what little Arctic is left.

We don’t agree on a lot right now, and every name we read about in the news manages to polarize the country: Trump, Clinton, Cruz and even Bernie Sanders. (Yes, we get it. He’s your awesome college roommate, only 50 years older.)

And, then there’s McBoatface.

Boaty McBoatface has done what no other prominent name on the Internet can do: unite everyone and win clear-cut support. But she doesn’t want to lead the free world. All she wants (and we know it’s a “she” because) is to be the name of a British polar research vessel.

People of all ages and stripes have overwhelmingly supported her cause, beating out other more established names like Shackleton, Endeavour and Falcon. (We’d love to see the Endeavor/Falcon ticket try again in ’20.) But, even though the people have spoken, it looks like the Establishment — in this case, the Natural Environment Research Council — will overrule our votes and send McBoatface down the same tributary of history as Nader, McGovern and Perot.

We shouldn’t be surprised, though. We fought a war the last time the British government refused to recognize our right to representation.

| Filed under Scurry (Politics)

Romanian politician convicted of buying votes with fried chicken

This can feed 10 and buy as many votes.
This can feed 10 and buy as many votes.

Here in America, we like to pretend that our votes matter. Despite the fact that our forefathers set up the electoral college, and the Supreme Court over the years blowing the doors wide open for the super rich to buy any campaign they want, we like to feel special. But we don’t have access to our leaders like they do in Romania.

A member of the Romanian parliament has been convicted bribing voters. His bribe: a whole lot of fried chicken. Florin Popescu will serve two years in jail for buying votes with an estimated 55 tons of fried chicken. Investigators said he had entire trucks filled with fried chicken be delivered “for election purposes.”

Love that chicken from Popescu.

| Filed under A Word from Our Sponsors, Scurry '16, The Real Story

Signs of the intellectual apocalypse appear in pairs

If you see this on someone's head or false testicles hanging from their truck, administer CPR immediately: their brain is dangerously devoid of oxygen.
If you see this on someone’s head or false testicles hanging from their truck, administer CPR immediately: their brain is dangerously devoid of oxygen.

Friends of the site know that The Guys all met at Radford University, a school you’ve never heard of unless you went there, knew someone who stole a cop car during QuadFest or heard that Donald Trump would be speaking there today.

That last development had a lot of alumni on edge … until we found out that many Highlanders stepped up and disrupted Trump’s “speech” every few minutes. (The idea of students shouting down political speech might disturb some of you, but they did not interrupt anything of substance. For instance, the proposition that not only will the Mexicans build our southern border wall for us, but that it will be “1,000 miles” long and “even higher than China’s.”)

Civil disobedience aside, the Real Story in that link is what Trump supporters said to the media and wore:

‘I don’t need a politician to have perfect hair, I need him to have balls,’ said Tamara Neo, the former Buchanan County commonwealth’s attorney.


‘Fire the Idiots, Help the Vets’ read the front of one popular T-shirt. On the back, ‘DONALD TRUMP: FINALLY SOMEONE WITH BALLS.’

[Emphasis ours.]

It’s official: Donald Trump is the TruckNutz™ of presidential candidates.

| Filed under Profiles in Sadness, Scurry '16

Governor of the great state of Delusion

Yeah, if we were polling as low as John Kasich but still going through the motions in the most grueling reality show in America, we'd need a hug, too.
Yeah, if we were polling as low as John Kasich but still going through the motions in the most grueling reality show in America, we’d need a hug, too.

There are a lot of sad stories in every election. Any candidate can find themselves on top of the world for a hot second, only to see it all fall away after one joy ride in a tank or in the span of one creepy, slow motion smile.

We thought we had already seen the saddest moment of this election when heir apparent, Jeb Bush, literally begged for applause after what he thought was a real barn-burner of a speech.

But, no, the saddest thing we’ve seen are the walking dead — the candidates still trying to walk around despite a giant hole in their chest. John Kasich is like a ghost in Beetlejuice: he doesn’t even know he’s dead yet.

[A] new ad from a super PAC supporting Ohio Gov. John Kasich warns against anointing the freshmen senator [Marco Rubio] too quickly.


“D.C. insiders are clamoring to crown Marco Rubio king of the GOP before he’s even proven he can win anything, and that kind of shortsighted arrogance could hand Hillary Clinton the election,” Connie Wehrkamp, New Day For America’s spokeswoman, said in a statement.

Meanwhile, in polls, Donald Trump is leading Rubio in his own home state of Florida by double-digits: 44 percent to 28 percent. Kasich, in the meantime, has yet to even reach Rubio, trailing even behind Ted Cruz, who looks like the guy in Saving Private Ryan who’s looking for his arm on the beach. The two are polling at seven percent and twelve percent respectively.

Unless Kasich and at least one other wounded candidate walk towards the light, Trump will win this primary with less than half of all Republican votes.

| Filed under Scurry '16, Sex Sells

Cruz pulls out of ad with porn actress

This was the safest for work picture we could Google for her. So, obviously, the Cruz campaign didn't even Google her.
This was the safest for work picture we could find for her. So, obviously, the Cruz campaign didn’t even Google her.

In the age of social media, it’s hard to hire anybody who doesn’t have a nude or scandalous picture online somewhere. That said, it should be obvious when they have an IMDb page filled with titles like Timegate: Tales of the Saddle TrampsRadio Erotica and Deviant Whores. Still, the future leader of the free world managed to hire someone with that C.V. for his latest ad.

Sen. Ted Cruz’s campaign cast Amy Lindsay in an ad where people in group therapy talk about their regret of once supporting fellow Sen. Marco Rubio. (We assume she got the role because of her work as Dr. Karin Clemens in 2003’s Insatiable Desires.)

The Cruz campaign stressed that had they “known of her full filmography, we obviously would not have let her appear in the ad.” To be clear, her entire filmography stretches from 1994 to present with entries like Carnal Wishes as recent as 2015.

But, we’re sure that the Cruz administration won’t accidentally put, say, an Al Qaeda operative in charge of the CIA. You know, unless Mr. Bildin al-Bombir hides his past terrorism by including every bombing he helped plan on his LinkedIn account.