Category: Scurry (Politics)

| Filed under Scurry '16, Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: Somebody’s gotta do it (but not you)

Update (10/22/2016): As most people are aware, Mike Rowe responded to this post on Wednesday, 10/19/2016. I posted an apology and brief explanation while I digested his response, reread his post, and came to terms with why I could have approached this topic better.

After a few days, I’ve finished collecting my thoughts in a new follow-up post. It’s a long read, but I hope it adequately explains why I wrote the unjustifiable way I did about Mike Rowe, why I owed him an apology, and why I still respectfully disagree with him over encouraging people to vote.

I also wrote it on my own site because, fair warning, it’s probably too boring for SeriouslyGuys.

Yes, yes. You're very well ... watched.
Yes, yes. You’re very well read watched.

For some people, an election boils down to Democrat or Republican.

For others, it’s Vote or Not Vote because, overall, politicians are no prize. They’re more like the price of living in a republic with democratically elected representation: OK, you get someone who will mostly make the decisions you want, but they’ll also be the kind of person who wants to be a decision-maker for everyone else. It’s no surprise that most of these people probably rank high on the psychopath spectrum.

So, I can understand when a common sense guy like Mike Rowe would rather not encourage people to vote. Voting is inspirational in the theoretical, Leonardo-DiCaprio-does-it sense. But when you look at the choices, it looks more like a dirty job — do you ladle out the solid chunks or siphon the ammonia-smelling liquids?

But, when Mike Rowe says that people shouldn’t be encouraged to vote because they’re probably too stupid to do so, that’s not common sense. (Rant also celebrated here, although it bogusly claims he posted it a couple of days ago.) That’s elitism, which seems out of character for the champion of the hard-working American.  Continue reading

| Filed under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex, Facepalm, Scurry '16

You can’t afford to be bigoted

"I'm fired. But who cares? I'm still rich."
“I’m fired. But who cares? I’m still rich.”

It’s important to remember that, while Donald Trump locked up the Republican nomination after categorically suspecting Mexicans of rape and drug trafficking and Muslims of terrorism, he still hasn’t gotten the job of president. He can still blow the second half of the interview by failing to convince enough Americans that he didn’t somehow mean all of that in a racist or bigoted way.

Even more importantly: whether he wins the election or not, Trump will be OK. Even if most of the country thinks he’s a racist, he has enough money — possibly even untaxed money — to say and do racist things. He will be able to retire to any segregated (emphasis on “gated”) community once this is all said and done, safe from the half of the country he’s alternately insulting and paying lip-service to right now.

So, please keep this in mind when you’re about to post something on social media that Trump would say. Ask yourself: “Can I afford to post this?” Because an elementary school teacher’s aide in Georgia and the mayor of West York, Pennsylvania just learned that, no, they can’t afford it and will most likely need to seek out new careers.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Scurry '16

Science: some people ‘bowling alley beautiful’

When running for office, never be seen with your more handsome "doppelganger."
When running for office, never be seen with your more handsome “doppelgänger.”

Some people are just naturally, ungodly beautiful in any setting, next to anyone. These are the people we destroy by turning them into celebrities because, like a race car, what’s the point of owning anything beautiful if you don’t run it into a wall or two.

For the rest of us, we’re all also beautiful in that Ray Stevens sense — as in, in the proper context. According to actual research, anyone can rate as more generally attractive by being the most attractive person around or in a group.

For instance, think of Marco Rubio. Next to Saved by the Bell‘s Mario Lopez, Rubio looks like Bert and Ernie’s in vitro Muppet son. (Lopez is only two years younger, proving how fickle the gods are with bestowing handsomeness.)

Now, put him on stage in a herd of doughy guys ranging from Chris Christie to John Kasich, and he looks like one of their interns snuck on stage.

With the right crowd, you can easily win F*ck, Marry, Kill, Kill, Kill Kill, Kill, Kill, Kill or Kill.
With the right crowd, you can easily win F*ck, Marry, Kill, Kill, Kill Kill, Kill, Kill, Kill or Kill.

This effectively disproves the Roadie Theory, which is that, one day, the lead singer, guitarist, drummer and bass player will all one day decide not to have sex with someone, which means you’re in. Unfortunately, in that crowd, you probably rank lower than, “Uber home, turn in early.”

| Filed under Booze News, Scurry '16

C-Span asks viewers to text hot takes to D.C. bartender

Monday’s presidential debate had millions of viewers. Everyone wanted to see the prize fight, and TV stations couldn’t wait to get viewers and let them express their feedback. But a Washington, D.C. bartender was confused when her phone started blowing up with hot takes on the debate.

After the debate, C-Span invited viewers to share their opinions about the candidates and the debate via Twitter, Facebook and text message. The problem is, they listed the wrong number to text. The number they told people to text was actually owned by Tripp Diaz, who had no idea what was going on. She has received some 13,000 text messages and has 400 missed calls from C-Span viewers looking to put in their two cents about the debate. That bill ought to be fun.

Also, apparently there are still people who watch C-Span.

| Filed under Scurry '16, Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: Out of options, Republicans turn to ‘Doctor Who’

"Don't you think she looks tired?" said two men who are both older than Hillary Clinton and look it despite what look like multiple cosmetic surgeries.
“Don’t you think she looks tired?” said two men who are both older than Hillary Clinton and look it despite multiple cosmetic treatments.

In the past several years of covering presidential elections — and some mid-terms because, contrary to what the Greens and Libertarians think, we elect people every year to leadership positions besides President — The Guys have seen various disclosure trends. If someone’s running against a millionaire, they push to release tax returns. If running against a black person who may have been born in Kenya, they push to release birth certificates, college grades and possibly even drug tests.

And now, if running against a woman who’s almost a year younger than them, they push to release health recordsContinue reading

| Filed under Scurry (Politics)

Arianna Huffington to do to health what she did to politics

"So then I thought, dah-ling, what if I could somehow make people as healthy as I've made our national politics. And then it clicked."
“So then I thought, dah-ling, what if I could somehow make people as healthy as I’ve made our national politics. And then it clicked.”

Having done as much as she can to destroy any semblance of credible political reporting, Arianna Huffington announced Thursday that she will now set her sights on somehow making health reporting even worse. She will step down as editor-in-chief of the Huffington Post to lead Thrive Global, a health and wellness Web site.

Huffington founded the Huffington Post as an if-you-can’t-beat-them liberal alternative to the Drudge Report, serving up blue meat to people who read as uncritically on the Left as Drudge’s audience on the Right. Their model of repackaging existing news into rage-fests and “think-pieces” with clickbait headlines — as well as promoting (but mercifully not paying) bloggers with no discernible journalistic skills — dragged down the rest of our media, resulting in the presidential candidates we have today.

So, considering the amount of garbage health reporting online, we can’t wait to see what new depths Huffington manages to drag it down to. But, while we wait for Thrive to launch, you can catch a sample from our very own Dr. Snee.

| Filed under Scurry '16

Trump: Queen B of the Republican Party

"I know it was you, Ted. You broke my heart."
“I know it was you, Ted-o. You broke my heart.”

Republican presidential nominee, Donald Trump, was disappointed that his former rival, Sen. Ted Cruz, refused to endorse him at the Republican National Convention. So disappointed, in fact, that he logged into his preferred situation room for dealing with all manner of crises, be they people shot in Orlando or Rosie O’Donnell needing to be put in her place, to express himself: Twitter.

In fact, it was so not a big deal that he also made it clear today that he wouldn’t accept Sen. Cruz’s endorsement, even if he gave one, proving twice in as many days who’s the real Queen Bitch of the Republican Mean Girls.

Keep in mind that it took the Republican-approved (He’s yours now, guys. Own it.) presidential nominee four days, more than half a week, to sort of renounce the endorsement of David Duke, the former Grand Wizard of the KKK who still espouses white supremacist ideas. But it took him only two to preemptively reject an endorsement that’s never coming from Ted Cruz.

The Guys can’t decide who this reflects more poorly on: Trump? Actual, active racists? Or Ted Cruz? Gun to our head, the only loser in this is America. F our lives.

| Filed under Scurry '16, War on Aliens

Clinton gains crucial tinfoil hat vote

If she thinks this will happen, why does she want to be elected?
If she thinks this will happen, why does she want to be elected?

Hillary Clinton has scored her share of key endorsements during the campaign, but she may have just gotten her biggest get yet. The only thing is these guys may be abducted at any time.

Alien conspiracy theorists say Clinton is the candidate for them. She has said all the right things when it comes to alien hunters. She’s calling UFOs “unexplained aerial phenomena,” and pledged to look into alien conspiracy theories if elected. She’s treating these people more seriously than the Obama administration, which isn’t hard. These truth seekers have been the butt of presidential jokes for decades.

This is a huge win for the Clinton camp, because this is America, and conspiracy theorists are the most coveted votes around. Until now, the Trump campaign had received all the conspiracy folks, namely, the birthers, the militia dudes and white people who feel they are oppressed.

| Filed under Scurry '16

Miss him yet?

Looks like conservatives are finally ready for one of ol' Dubya's famous back rubs.
Looks like conservatives are finally ready for one of ol’ Dubya’s famous back rubs.

For nearly eight years, Republicans and other right-leaning types smugly pretended to miss President George W. Bush while also being very careful not to be seen in public with him or associated with him, his spending or his expansion of the federal government in any way. But, it only took potential President Donald Trump (yeah, we said it) to send them running back to him.

The “compassionate conservative” — as proved by his recent forays into painting — is now making appearances at fundraisers for vulnerable Congressional candidates. Some are at-risk of primary challenges by Trump-supporting nightmares, others of disgusted independent and reasonable Republican voters who now associate the entire party with Trump. He’s already helped out Senators John McCain (who really used to hate Bush after the 2000 Republican primary) of Arizona and Kelly Ayotte of New Hampshire, and is booked to be seen with Senators Roy Blunt of Missouri, Rob Portman of Ohio and Ron Johnson of Wisconsin.

And we know Fox News misses him after years of fomenting the “grassroots” Tea Party because Brett Baier channeled Dubya to botch a never-in-a-lifetime-(unless-you’re-Richard-Gere) opportunity to interview the Dalai Lama.

To be fair, Trump might have us all finally missing Foughty-Three a little. Not enough to buy a painting, though. (Maybe a print for the bathroom, though.)

| Filed under Booze News, Scurry '16

Budweiser finishing what Trump started

Only pinkos and degenerates drink Miller or Coors.
Budweiser: the best beer. The greatest, classiest beer you’ve ever shotgunned. We promise you.

Not that we care what other countries think of us (if their citizens mattered, they’d live here), but they’re a little concerned with how easily we nominated Donald Trump as one of two candidates to run our government/basically the world. The Republican primary race wasn’t even close, no matter how long Kasich thought just staying in was 90 percent of winning.

As if in the beer aisle, Americans looked at the GOP’s offerings, and — after briefly considering giving the dark stout one a shot — shrugged, said “f*ck it” and pulled the lever for the Budweiser of candidates.

And, now that America has people all over the world wondering if we’ve really lost our minds that badly, Anheuser-Busch is ready to relabel Budweiser as “America” for the summer. Sure, it’s probably the best-selling beer in America, but should we celebrate that?