Category: Scurry (Politics)

| Filed under Scurry '16

Vote Anakin Skywalker in 2016

Begun, the presidential campaign has.

A recent survey found that most people favor Luke Skywalker, Han Solo and Yoda above all other Star Wars characters. Even Darth Vader and Boba Fett polled more favorably than any the prospective 2016 presidential candidates. Even Emperor Palpatine polled higher than the likes of Paul Ryan, Rick Perry, Elizabeth Warren, or fellow Star Wars character Scott Walker.

The American people still don’t like Jar Jar Binks, though.

| Filed under Scurry (Politics)

Old-fashioned politics: Hitting your opponent with a car

Sick of election coverage yet? Too bad, we got one more story for you! Luckily this doesn’t involve anything that actually matters. In fact, it’s in Indiana, the very center of where nothing happens.

Richard Yencer’s campaign for Yorktown, Indiana town council came to a crashing halt on Tuesday when, according to authorities, he hit an opponent with his car as the man was putting up signs at a polling site. Yencer then drove across a yard to escape. Police caught up with him later that day at another polling site. He’d been wanted for stealing political signs just a day before.

Also, he lost the election.

| Filed under Booze News, Scurry to the Capitol

Why you heard burps in the voting booth yesterday

The mid-term election campaign that ended yesterday was one of the most expensive in American history, and no one even cared about it. Just imagine how much worse it will be in two years! But the spending is nothing compared to what we spend on beer.

Some estimates have spending for this election as high as $3.67 billion on Congressional campaigning. That may sound like a lot, but it’s dwarfed by the $59.9 billion we came together as a drunken nation to spend on beer last year, according to the Bureau of Economic Analysis.

And that is why more political campaigns need to give out koozies.

| Filed under Scurry '16, What a Reach!

Perry: Not a king, so not guilty?

"Your honor, I ask you: would God bestow he divine right of kings upon a guy in Rachel Maddow glasses? The defense rests."
“Your honor, I ask you: would God bestow The Divine Right of Kings upon a guy in Rachel Maddow glasses? The defense rests.

Lawyers for Texas Gov. Rick Perry began court proceedings with an interesting argument to dismiss charges of abuse of power: he couldn’t have done it because he’s not a king or emperor.

A Texas Governor is not Augustus traversing his realm with a portable mint and an imperial treasure in tow; he no more has custody or possession of the State’s general revenue funds than does any Texan. No governor can say of his or her state what the Sun King said of France: ‘L’etat c’est moi.’

Case closed. If the crown does not fit, then you must acquit.

In other news, it looks like former King Robert and Queen Maureen McDonnell — first of their names — of Virginia will probably not eat much cake in prison for their abuses of power.

| Filed under Scurry (Politics)

Nobody panic: 400 gnomes have gone missing

Austrian politics aren’t like American politics. They’re just not.

The country’s Socialist party put up garden gnomes that look like they want a fist bump around lamp posts ahead of elections in western Austria. These things also look to me about two and a half feet tall, just to add extra creepiness. And then, someone stole them.

A total of 400 gnomes, valued at $4,000 combined, have been stolen. Either that, or they came to live and walked away.

| Filed under Scurry (Politics)

‘You wanna see my plank?’

There’s a whole bunch of elections coming up for Congress this fall, but who cares? Let’s focus on the elections that matter.

There was a time when Times Square was a seedy place, a place you didn’t want to take your children because of unsavory characters. A candidate for the San Francisco board of supervisors worked to bring back those good old days this week. George Davis stripped naked in Times Square, which as far as we know, is not even on the same coast as San Francisco, to make a statement on the right to be nude in public.

Talk about your single-issue candidates.

| Filed under Scurry '16

Doctor Poo Blossom

Yes, we know who you are.
Yes, we know who you are.

Say what you will about Karl Rove … No, really. Go ahead. We’ll wait.

Anyway, say what you will about the man once known as “Turd Blossom” by the man whose desk featured a special phone that destroys the world, but he clearly watches Doctor Who.

How else would he come up with the “Don’t you think she looks tired?” method for destroying Hillary Clinton before she even announces her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election?

| Filed under Headline of the Day, Scurry (Politics)

#freedom

The initiative, already active across Twitter, Facebook and YouTube, would look to branch out to other social media where jihadists were active. “What about Ask.fm? What about Instagram? What about Pinterest?”

You’d think that jihadists, if they’re really attempting to hide information from U.S. analysts, would take their online conversations to Friendster.

| Filed under Scurry to the Capitol, Sex Sells

Red meat for red members

This is J.D. J.D.'s doing well, very well indeed. That's because he noticed that  Boehner sounds a lot like "boner" and made a campaign out of it. Oh, and "something something Constitution."
This is J.D. J.D.’s doing well, very well indeed. That’s because he noticed that Boehner sounds a lot like “boner” and made a campaign out of it. Oh, and “something something Constitution.”

As has become tradition in red states since the 2008 election, House Speaker John Boehner faces a primary challenge this year from Tea Party candidates. What’s not so traditional is how stiff the competition has become for the top-ranking Republican in the federal government.

J.D. Winteregg, a high school teacher and suprisingly not a children’s book author pen name, is one of Speaker Boehner’s three primary challengers. And of those three, he’s the only one to run an ad that accuses the speaker of “electile dysfunction.”

‘Sometimes, when a politician has been in DC too long, it goes to his head and he just can’t seem to get the job done. Used on a daily basis, Winteregg in Congress will help you every time the moment is right to have your voice heard on the federal level.’

How do you know if you are experiencing E.D.? Symptoms may include “extreme skin discoloration,” smoking, golf, and the “inability to punch oneself out a wet paper bag or maintain a spine in the face of liberal opposition.”

The question remains, however, if Winteregg can keep it up until November. You’ll hear from us first if he doesn’t pull out early.

Penis.

| Filed under Scurry (Politics)

Rumsfeld gives the gift of outrage to all

Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld gave both conservative racists the dog whistle they crave and liberal concern bloggers the outrage they need by saying that “a trained ape” could handle Afghanistan better than President Obama.

Rumsfeld added that he oughta know because he closely observed the last trained ape on the job.
Rumsfeld added that he oughta know because he closely observed the last trained ape on the job.

Rumsfeld has a history of giving everyone what they want, whether it’s permission for soldiers to scrounge for their own vehicle armor or surprising prisoners of war with all the water they can drink in one pour.