Oregon favors ‘don’t know’ for governor

Idaho is known as a potato-growing safe haven for right-wing militia groups. And they’re choosing a new governor next year. Right now, no one is going to win.

There are three Republicans and no Democrats in the race, and according to recent polls, “don’t know” has a clear advantage right now. A whopping 36% of voters said they don’t know who they will vote for, followed by Lt. Gov. Brad Little with 21%, U.S. Rep. Raul Labrador with 17%, and some local businessman you’ve never heard of with 17%. The primaries are just six months away.

None of the Above finally has a chance to win a race!

Democracy in peril as no one votes in election

Here’s a thought exercise for you: If no one votes in an election, is it really an election?

In McIntire, Iowa, not a single one of the town’s 70 registered voters showed up to vote in a special election on two ballot issues regarding the terms of the mayor and town council members. The poll workers, who lived in other towns and couldn’t vote, sat around for nine hours in hopes of someone showing up to cast their vote, a right that their forefathers had fought and died to defend — but not a soul showed up.

Still think your vote doesn’t matter?

Nobody paid us to ask this

“Nobody — believe me — nobody knows better about swamps … let me tell you about swamps … there are many kinds of people — things — that live in them. And I’ve brought only the best, big league, into my administration.”
Let’s assume, for laughs, that there’s such a thing as “paid protesters.” That the only way for more people to protest a president than to attend his inauguration is if all those people were paid. That somebody who (a) had enough money (b) found value in giving it to a bunch of strangers to hold up signs and protest for women. Or for the environment. Or for science. Or to release tax records.

What’s the difference between such critters and a lobbyist?

Answer: The lobbyist gets a job in Donald Trump’s White House administration.

Grayskull native runs for Florida Senate

His real name is Prince Adam, but let’s keep that a secret.

It’s no secret that Florida is utter chaos. Any time some weird arrest happens, be it Tiger Woods or some dude riding a motorcycle with his infant, it’s happening in America’s Australia. But now a mater of the universe wants to straighten things out. He-Man is running for a seat in the Florida Senate.

Miami voters will have a chance this September to vote for Christian “He-Man” Schlaerth. The candidate filed a sworn affidavit this week stating that he has gone by the nickname He-Man since well before running for office. That means his moniker will be on the ballot. Schlaerth says he acquired the nickname from his rugby playing days, and his campaign manager didn’t know his first name for weeks.

A campaign manager signed on for a candidate he only knew as “He-Man?” This is going to be a fun race to watch.

Governor who excluded can’t tolerate exclusion

When you realize you can only get a part-time teaching gig at Liberty University or Arizona State.

A while back, we issued a warning that, while wealthy people like Donald Trump who don’t need to ever work can afford to be an assh*le, the rest of us cannot. That’s not to say that we should also have that right, just to remember that even a rich douche is still a douche, just one who will never face the consequences of what they say, do or feel. The rest of us don’t live in that world.

And, by “the rest of us,” we also mean former North Carolina Gov. Pat McCrory, who’s allegedly having trouble finding consulting work after not only signing anti-trans bathroom law HB2, but still arguing for it after leaving office. And he’s surprised:

The former Republican governor says HB2 ‘has impacted me to this day, even after I left office. People are reluctant to hire me, because, “oh my gosh, he’s a bigot” – which is the last thing I am.’

[…]

‘That’s not the way our American system should operate – having people purged due to political thought.’

In other words: the dude who made a big deal out of what bathroom you use can’t understand what the big deal is.

Member of Ukraine parliament really just a grey blob

Russia may be trying to slowly take over Ukraine, but the former Soviet satellite has bigger problems on its hands–like a blog taking over seats in the Ukrainian parliament.

Claiming that his fellow members of parliament don’t show up for their jobs as often as they should, Borislav Bereza has brought a grey blob to sit in one of the empty seats next to him. The plush blob has been a popular meme in Russia and Ukraine in recent years, and that has seemingly translated into a seat in government. As absurd as an internet meme in a leadership role might seem to Americans, apparently it’s possible there. Bereza even sat the blob behind the podium.

What does it want? What if it multiplies? What if Ukraine falls under blob rule?

Take it from Snee: Time to show personal accountability

Trump voters complaining about not getting their daily dose of cat pictures on social media should be grateful they’re not getting punched like Nazis.

A lot of people are upset about the election still — at least 3 million or so. And that’s not going to change any time soon, especially as the newly inaugurated president restarts the Keystone XL and Dakota Access pipelines, coincidentally shuts down the EPA and National Park Service’s communications with the public and disseminates “alternative facts” to the public through his personal flacks. It hasn’t even been a week into the new administration.

But, there’s another chorus of voices, those who can’t abide these bad feelings and rancor, who know that arguing about politics doesn’t solve anything, who wish we could all sit back and give the new guy a chance, who — let’s not kid ourselves — voted for him.

Do not be tempted by these voices, no matter their relationship. They voted for the “party of personal accountability.” If our anger at their decision is making them feel bad: tough sh*t. In the words of the last president, “Elections have consequences,” and chief among those is feeling bad when we’ve done something stupid that hurts a lot of people. And, brother, nobody prevented an oil spill by being polite. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Time to show personal accountability

Perry creates job at Department of Energy

“I just created a job! You’re welcome, America.”

Rick Perry begins the confirmation process Thursday for a position that, had he won the presidency in 2012, would not exist today: leading the Department of Energy. In 2011, he felt that the DOE had only one function — giving oil barons migraines — but, he’s changed his tune now that he discovered one more function: giving him a job.

‘My past statements made over five years ago about abolishing the Department of Energy do not reflect my current thinking,’ Perry said in prepared remarks planned for delivery at his confirmation hearing. ‘In fact, after being briefed on so many of the vital functions of the Department of Energy, I regret recommending its elimination.’

In Perry’s defense, he never actually said that he would get rid of the only serious job offer he’s received since putting on nerd specs for his LinkedIn profile picture. He said he would eliminate “Commerce, Education and the um …”

See? The DOE lives thanks to the leadership presented by then failed presidential candidate Perry. So, when you think about it, who better to usher it into its post-relevancy era?

Trump: Man of 140 characters (or less)

Follow @realDonaldTrump for all the news that nobody objective with a conscience will print without questioning it.

Part of The Guys’ preparation for President-elect Trump’s inauguration this week is to cancel our newspaper subscriptions. Why pay for a service that the next president won’t talk to when we can read his deepest, most planned out thoughts for free on Twitter? It’s the very least that we, his soon-to-be constituents can do since he doesn’t even like tweeting, you guys.

According to his own words (if they can be trusted) during a Fox News interview with Ainsley Earhardt on Wednesday, Trump has to call out Alec Baldwin, SNL, his replacement on The Apprentice, our free press and our Intelligence Community on Twitter, starting at sometimes the crack of dawn through late at night, because he has no choice! This is a service he provides for you, citizen — so start appreciating it with likes, retweets and #followbacks!

Oh, and also because nobody will quote him without distorting it with cheap media tricks like adding context or republishing his words verbatim:

‘Look, I don’t like tweeting. I have other things I could be doing,’ Trump told Earhardt. ‘But I get very dishonest media, very dishonest press, and it’s my only way that I can get out and correct.’

… he said to Fox News. Looks like even a corrupt clock with tiny hands can be right at least once a day.

In democracy, machines count for something

Letting machines take over our elections means that people who protest the results will look less crazy and more like John Connor.
Letting machines take over our elections means that people who protest the results will look less crazy and more like John Connor.

Good news, everyone, about the recount in Wisconsin! … No, not that. He probably still won. But! The recount should prove that, when (not “if”) the machines take over, they’re even better at democracy than we are. So, the singularity shouldn’t be a totalitarian dictatorship!

For all the worries about human error in vote counting and machines screwing up, four election experts believe that the Wisconsin recount will prove two things: (1) we’re better at counting votes than we think, and (2) machines are better than us at it and, therefore democracy.

Previous recounts show a 0.28 percent discrepancy in hand-counted votes, while computer-counted votes only had a 0.17 percent discrepancy. And even when the machines screw up, it’s mostly when a human factor interrupts the computer process, like a human logging computer counts incorrectly on a pen and ink form.

So, if we really want a more representative government, then perhaps it’s time to throw out the factor that keeps (minutely) screwing it up: humans.