Category: Scurry (Politics)

| Filed under Scurry '12, Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: The triumph of the political id

Wolf Blitzer hasn't moved since November 2012. He's still standing in front of that screen, interviewing imaginary holograms about Iowa and California.
Wolf Blitzer hasn’t moved since November 2012. He’s still standing in front of that screen, interviewing imaginary holograms about Iowa and California.

At the time of posting, we’re 453 days away from when we actually vote for the President of the United States. We’re not just a year away, we’re still one and a quarter years away from trying to make a state government-installed touchscreen work. To put that quarter of a year in perspective, that’s like wearing your Halloween costume to work back in July.

So, it seems kind of silly that, even though there’s only been one “debate” and not one single primary vote cast, the press is already declaring leads. They’re basing this on polls, and I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been polled in my entire life. In fact, I know more people from the state of Wyoming than I know who have been asked to respond to a poll, and I’m pretty sure Wyoming isn’t real. (It’s just the lab where they built Dick Cheney.)

But, alas, we have leads in both primaries already, and wow, are we all deluding ourselves politically. In any past election, the current front-runners wouldn’t even be running as Democrat or Republican, much less leading either pack.

Don’t believe me? Read on to find out why, when it comes to this primary, the political id has triumphed in both parties, and why that’s probably bad.  Continue reading

| Filed under Scurry (Politics), Sex Sells

Mich. lawmaker tries the ol’ fake male prostitute trick

When is a sex scandal not a sex scandal? When it’s a decoy.

Michigan state Rep. Todd Courser is a Christian, socially conservative Republican and a married father of four. So when an email surfaced suggesting that he bought the services of a male prostitute, eyebrows were raised–especially when it was revealed that Courser and faked and released the email himself. Turns out that he faked paying for gay sex to cover up an affair with state Rep. Cindy Gamrat, who is also married, has three children and is vocal about her faith. Courser’s logic was that after rumors about a male prostitute got out there, news of hetero-lawmaker-on-hetero-lawmaker action would seem tame.

The real tragedy here is that every time an official fakes a gay sex scandal, it casts a shadow of doubt on all the genuine gay sex scandals out there.

| Filed under Scurry '16

The Art of the Shrill

"LOUD NOISES!"
“LOUD NOISES!”

In 1987, Donald Trump published his first autobiography, The Art of the Deal, in which he explained how he became one of the richest sleezebags in America — quite the achievement when you consider how terribly rich white men were considered in the 1980s. And now, in 2015, he’s leading a different branch of poorly regarded rich white men: Republican politicians running for President.

How? How does a guy who dodged the Vietnam draft, declared bankruptcy and eats pizza with a knife and fork take a double-digit lead in polls of the party of strong national defense, fiscal responsibility and rolling up your sleeves to “get-r-done?”

1. By not being Rick Sant*rum (edited to SFW), Mike “What’s a” Huckabee or the less-likable brother of that president that America hasn’t forgotten about yet.

2. By being loud, obnoxious and aggressively unproductive about our problems, so he’s just like the people we already vote into Congress.

Will Trump’s Herman Cain-esque popularity translate into votes this primary? Or will someone take his place at the top next week, like Herman Cain? Bookmark SeriouslyGuys for Scurry 2016: our continuing coverage of the 2016 presidential election.

| Filed under Scurry (Politics)

Indecent exposure not just for male lawmakers anymore

Today is a proud day for gender equality. Typically, when a lawmaker gets arrested for something stupid, that lawmaker is a man. But this time, a woman gets the spotlight.

According to a police report, Maryland Del. Ariana Kelly dropped off her children at her ex-husband’s house. Apparently there are still some hard feelings, because when she found out that her ex’s fiancee was home, she rang the doorbell repeatedly and yelled. Her ex-husband later showed police a cellphone video of her at the front door whipping out her boobs and shaking them up and down with her hands. She was charged with trespassing and indecent exposure.

It’s good to know that our leaders are just as irrational as the people who elect them.

| Filed under Scurry (Politics)

The seat of power

"Dammit, Erdogan! Fooled by another chocolate-filled toilet seat!"
“Dammit, Erdogan! Fooled by another foil-covered chocolate toilet seat!”

It’s election season in Turkey, which means it’s time to accuse the sitting president of sitting on gold toilet seats. This comes as part of a list of lavish items that presidential rival, Kemal Kilicdaroglu of the Republican People’s Party (CHP), has accused Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan of installing in his new 1,000 room presidential palace.

President Erdogan wins for the best response to the allegation, saying that he will resign immediately if Kilicdaroglu can find just one golden toilet seat in the palace. Folks, there aren’t a lot of ways to make your political opponent bite-test every toilet seat in your house. Congratulations, Mr. Turkish President.

| Filed under Scurry (Politics)

Oh, to be a fly on the wall in Alabama

While the rest of the country is replaying the '90s, Alabama's still wrapping up the '80s.
Holy crap! We really are reliving the ’90s, one set of read lips at a time.

Longtime readers will remember that I used to live in Alabama, and I was there for the Tea Party revolution that had right-leaning voters so angry that they literally destroyed ballots by voting Republican so hard with their pencils. As part of those sweeps, they elected Robert Bentley governor, who promised “no new taxes” — as if the over 90% Republican state legislature would let him anyway.

Well, four years later, and that Republican legislature is looking at cuts to fill a $250 million hole in the budget. Gov. Bentley says this will mean “closing State Trooper posts, National Guard armories, and decreasing Department of Mental Health and Department of Corrections services,” and that the only solution is to raise taxes.

And just to really troll his fellow Republicans, he’s saying he’s doing it because Reagan did it:

‘Ronald Reagan, the icon of conservatism, raised taxes because he was a conservative,’ Bentley said. ‘There is nothing more conservative than paying your debts and getting your budgets in order. That’s conservative.’

Oh, to be a fly on the wall of that statehouse.

| Filed under Scurry (Politics), Sex Sells, That Wacky Australia

Australia’s Sex Party gets cockblocked

Stay strong, Australian Sex Party. If not for us, stay strong for Australian Chris Pratt.
Stay strong, Australian Sex Party. If not for us, stay strong for Australian Chris Pratt.

Like the bitter reality of orgies, it’s not looking good for Australia’s Sex Party. The only thing we know about Australian politics took a blow Thursday when they lost their registration in the Australian Election Commission. This means that, although they can still field candidates, there will be no more Sexy names on ballots or Sexy federal funding.

The problem is that, to maintain their registration, they need to either have an elected representative in the federal government or prove that they have at least 500 members. But, because most of their members don’t have home phone numbers and move around a lot, they’re having trouble keeping their confirmed numbers up.

Well, Australia, you’re not the only ones who lose if you no longer have a Sex Party. The Guys need to know that there are still sexy times in the world. So, we’re calling on all members of the Australian Sex Party to make yourselves known as publicly as possible. Get out there and show how many of you there truly are in your terrifying country.

That’s right: we’re calling for Handjobs Across Australia.

| Filed under Scurry (Politics)

Obama, P.I.

While Obama, P.I. will have to solve his cases on his own, he will still retain Secret Service protection.
While Obama, P.I. will have to solve his cases on his own, he will still retain Secret Service protection.

If you’re wondering what President Obama’s plans are for after 2018, let’s just say he’s definitely moving to Hawaii to become a private investigator/mustache farmer. Some guy with some connection to the president bought the estate used in Magnum, P.I. as “Robin’s Nest.”

We’re certain that President Obama will be welcome to stay as long as he likes, contrary to however Higgins feels about it. And, should he ever get kicked out, he can crash at Rick’s Cafe American, which will most likely be run by Joe Biden by that point.

| Filed under Scurry (Politics)

Canadian lawmaker misses vote because of underwear

Sure, Congress sucks. They can’t get anything done and everyone hates them. But it could be worse. At least they’re not a parliament.

Earlier this week, you saw members of Turkey’s parliament fight during a discussion of a controversial bill, but we’ve got something worse. In Canada, a member of parliament was forced to leave his seat during a vote because his underwear was too small, in what might be the highest-profile humblebrag Canada has ever seen.

Pat Martin told the House of Commons that he accidentally bought underwear a size too small, and he bought a lot because they were half price. The problem is that it’s uncomfortable for him to sit down. That’s exactly why John Boehner goes commando.

| Filed under (S)Curry

Hindus and don’ts

OK, so maybe wearing the country's flag colors attracts the weirdo element to every political party.
OK, so maybe wearing the country’s flag colors attracts the weirdo element to every political party.

India’s Prime Minister Narendra Modi found himself in a situation rarely seen off the cover of a Robert E. Howard novel: staring at a statue of himself in a temple built by political followers who also kind of, you know, worship him.

Hundreds of his followers in the western city of Rajkot donated funds for a temple that features a seated statue of Modi and is topped out with a wind gauge shaped like a lotus, the symbol of his Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP).

Modi stated for the record that he was appalled and that “This is shocking and against India’s great traditions. Building such temples is not what our culture teaches us.”

“Besides,” he added, “It’s not like I’m Ronald Reagan.”