Category: Scurry (Politics)

| Filed under Scurry '16, Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: Out of options, Republicans turn to ‘Doctor Who’

"Don't you think she looks tired?" said two men who are both older than Hillary Clinton and look it despite what look like multiple cosmetic surgeries.
“Don’t you think she looks tired?” said two men who are both older than Hillary Clinton and look it despite multiple cosmetic treatments.

In the past several years of covering presidential elections — and some mid-terms because, contrary to what the Greens and Libertarians think, we elect people every year to leadership positions besides President — The Guys have seen various disclosure trends. If someone’s running against a millionaire, they push to release tax returns. If running against a black person who may have been born in Kenya, they push to release birth certificates, college grades and possibly even drug tests.

And now, if running against a woman who’s almost a year younger than them, they push to release health recordsContinue reading

| Filed under Scurry (Politics)

Arianna Huffington to do to health what she did to politics

"So then I thought, dah-ling, what if I could somehow make people as healthy as I've made our national politics. And then it clicked."
“So then I thought, dah-ling, what if I could somehow make people as healthy as I’ve made our national politics. And then it clicked.”

Having done as much as she can to destroy any semblance of credible political reporting, Arianna Huffington announced Thursday that she will now set her sights on somehow making health reporting even worse. She will step down as editor-in-chief of the Huffington Post to lead Thrive Global, a health and wellness Web site.

Huffington founded the Huffington Post as an if-you-can’t-beat-them liberal alternative to the Drudge Report, serving up blue meat to people who read as uncritically on the Left as Drudge’s audience on the Right. Their model of repackaging existing news into rage-fests and “think-pieces” with clickbait headlines — as well as promoting (but mercifully not paying) bloggers with no discernible journalistic skills — dragged down the rest of our media, resulting in the presidential candidates we have today.

So, considering the amount of garbage health reporting online, we can’t wait to see what new depths Huffington manages to drag it down to. But, while we wait for Thrive to launch, you can catch a sample from our very own Dr. Snee.

| Filed under Scurry '16

Trump: Queen B of the Republican Party

"I know it was you, Ted. You broke my heart."
“I know it was you, Ted-o. You broke my heart.”

Republican presidential nominee, Donald Trump, was disappointed that his former rival, Sen. Ted Cruz, refused to endorse him at the Republican National Convention. So disappointed, in fact, that he logged into his preferred situation room for dealing with all manner of crises, be they people shot in Orlando or Rosie O’Donnell needing to be put in her place, to express himself: Twitter.

In fact, it was so not a big deal that he also made it clear today that he wouldn’t accept Sen. Cruz’s endorsement, even if he gave one, proving twice in as many days who’s the real Queen Bitch of the Republican Mean Girls.

Keep in mind that it took the Republican-approved (He’s yours now, guys. Own it.) presidential nominee four days, more than half a week, to sort of renounce the endorsement of David Duke, the former Grand Wizard of the KKK who still espouses white supremacist ideas. But it took him only two to preemptively reject an endorsement that’s never coming from Ted Cruz.

The Guys can’t decide who this reflects more poorly on: Trump? Actual, active racists? Or Ted Cruz? Gun to our head, the only loser in this is America. F our lives.

| Filed under Scurry '16, War on Aliens

Clinton gains crucial tinfoil hat vote

If she thinks this will happen, why does she want to be elected?
If she thinks this will happen, why does she want to be elected?

Hillary Clinton has scored her share of key endorsements during the campaign, but she may have just gotten her biggest get yet. The only thing is these guys may be abducted at any time.

Alien conspiracy theorists say Clinton is the candidate for them. She has said all the right things when it comes to alien hunters. She’s calling UFOs “unexplained aerial phenomena,” and pledged to look into alien conspiracy theories if elected. She’s treating these people more seriously than the Obama administration, which isn’t hard. These truth seekers have been the butt of presidential jokes for decades.

This is a huge win for the Clinton camp, because this is America, and conspiracy theorists are the most coveted votes around. Until now, the Trump campaign had received all the conspiracy folks, namely, the birthers, the militia dudes and white people who feel they are oppressed.

| Filed under Scurry '16

Miss him yet?

Looks like conservatives are finally ready for one of ol' Dubya's famous back rubs.
Looks like conservatives are finally ready for one of ol’ Dubya’s famous back rubs.

For nearly eight years, Republicans and other right-leaning types smugly pretended to miss President George W. Bush while also being very careful not to be seen in public with him or associated with him, his spending or his expansion of the federal government in any way. But, it only took potential President Donald Trump (yeah, we said it) to send them running back to him.

The “compassionate conservative” — as proved by his recent forays into painting — is now making appearances at fundraisers for vulnerable Congressional candidates. Some are at-risk of primary challenges by Trump-supporting nightmares, others of disgusted independent and reasonable Republican voters who now associate the entire party with Trump. He’s already helped out Senators John McCain (who really used to hate Bush after the 2000 Republican primary) of Arizona and Kelly Ayotte of New Hampshire, and is booked to be seen with Senators Roy Blunt of Missouri, Rob Portman of Ohio and Ron Johnson of Wisconsin.

And we know Fox News misses him after years of fomenting the “grassroots” Tea Party because Brett Baier channeled Dubya to botch a never-in-a-lifetime-(unless-you’re-Richard-Gere) opportunity to interview the Dalai Lama.

To be fair, Trump might have us all finally missing Foughty-Three a little. Not enough to buy a painting, though. (Maybe a print for the bathroom, though.)

| Filed under Booze News, Scurry '16

Budweiser finishing what Trump started

Only pinkos and degenerates drink Miller or Coors.
Budweiser: the best beer. The greatest, classiest beer you’ve ever shotgunned. We promise you.

Not that we care what other countries think of us (if their citizens mattered, they’d live here), but they’re a little concerned with how easily we nominated Donald Trump as one of two candidates to run our government/basically the world. The Republican primary race wasn’t even close, no matter how long Kasich thought just staying in was 90 percent of winning.

As if in the beer aisle, Americans looked at the GOP’s offerings, and — after briefly considering giving the dark stout one a shot — shrugged, said “f*ck it” and pulled the lever for the Budweiser of candidates.

And, now that America has people all over the world wondering if we’ve really lost our minds that badly, Anheuser-Busch is ready to relabel Budweiser as “America” for the summer. Sure, it’s probably the best-selling beer in America, but should we celebrate that?

| Filed under Scurry (Politics)

Rising polls: Korean politician may have bought votes for dude pills

One of the hallmarks of a democracy is voter fraud. Sure, we have our little scandals here in the U.S. And we learned that things in Romania are much worse. But South Korea may have everyone beat.

Today is election day in South Korea, and elderly male voters in one town outside Seoul will go to the polls with poles thanks to free erectile dysfunction medication. Korean authorities announced they are looking into allegations that old guy votes were bought off with free pills.

The allegations were first reported by the newspaper Dong-A Ilbo. If you laughed at that, you’re probably a regular reader of this site.

| Filed under Scurry (Politics)

N.Y. Dems blame TP shortfall on Republicans

In times like these, belts have to be tightened, and the New York state Senate is no different. However, complaints are arising that budgets have been cut too far on toilet paper.

Senate Democrats are complaining that the Republicans are limiting their toilet papers supplies, and it’s really chapping their hides. It’s gotten so bad that staffers bring their own rolls to work. Republican Senate Majority Leader John Flanagan denies that there is any preferential treatment in toilet paper distribution.

Government waste continues to be a huge problem.

| Filed under Facepalm, Scurry '16

Don’t call it a setback, he was never ahead

Jesus. At least pick up the knife if it burns your fingers, Lord Fauntleroy.
Jesus. At least pick up the knife if your Veggie Lover’s slice burns your fingers, Lord Fauntleroy.

Republican presidential also-runner, John Kasich found himself skewered in the press for eating pizza with a fork in QueensThe Ohio state governor complained that his pizza was too hot, but fortunately didn’t drop it in his lap. Otherwise, his first executive order (in the universe where Republicans primary voters instinctively support whoever looks most like Otter from Animal House) would be to slap a warning label on pizza boxes.

We’d describe this as John Kasich’s Mike Dukakis tank ride or Howard Dean yell, but he has no lead to blow. Which is what some aide should have done to his pizza.

Sure, we could bring you real election news, but does Donald “Punish Women who get Abortions” Trump need more coverage? We think not.

| Filed under Facepalm, Scurry (Politics)

McBoatface: a uniter in a sea of discord

Like Bernie, Boaty still believes in doing huge (YUUUGE) things, like exploring what little Arctic is left.
Like Bernie, Boaty still believes in doing huge (YUUUGE) things, like exploring what little Arctic is left.

We don’t agree on a lot right now, and every name we read about in the news manages to polarize the country: Trump, Clinton, Cruz and even Bernie Sanders. (Yes, we get it. He’s your awesome college roommate, only 50 years older.)

And, then there’s McBoatface.

Boaty McBoatface has done what no other prominent name on the Internet can do: unite everyone and win clear-cut support. But she doesn’t want to lead the free world. All she wants (and we know it’s a “she” because) is to be the name of a British polar research vessel.

People of all ages and stripes have overwhelmingly supported her cause, beating out other more established names like Shackleton, Endeavour and Falcon. (We’d love to see the Endeavor/Falcon ticket try again in ’20.) But, even though the people have spoken, it looks like the Establishment — in this case, the Natural Environment Research Council — will overrule our votes and send McBoatface down the same tributary of history as Nader, McGovern and Perot.

We shouldn’t be surprised, though. We fought a war the last time the British government refused to recognize our right to representation.