Take it from Snee: The McCain Saboteur
Posted on August 13, 2008
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OK, I’ve kept my mouth (fingers?) shut–politically–since the Democratic primary. I mean, there isn’t much to this presidential race right now.
In the one corner, you’ve got Barack Obama. He’s young, black, has only served in Congress for four years and is a Democrat. Despite all of that, he’s running a smart campaign with few gaffes, won plenty of German votes and has managed to avoid any accusation of extra-marital affairs.
In the other corner, there’s John McCain. He’s old, white, has served in Congress for almost as long as I’ve been alive, nearly won the nomination in 2000 and is a Republican AND war vet. Sure, he’s had his mix-ups like outdated geography and screwing up the dance steps to the Macarena, but that’s been the winning formula since 1789, when George Washington shooed the first kids off the South Lawn.
So, no offense to Senator Obama, but why on Earth is McCain looking so bad? Is he really this clueless, or is there someone sabotaging his campaign? Read more
Written by Rick SneeHardcore text
Posted on August 12, 2008
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Who is ur nxt VP going 2 b? IDK. LOL, but guess what? Sen. Obama is going to txt us when he chooses a running mate<3 LMAO
Translation: Modern times call for modern solutions (thank you, Dave Chappelle), and that’s why Barack Obama is going to let you know first when he chooses his running mate. Get a text from Obama himself! Standard text messaging rates and carrying fees apply.
Written by Bryan SchoolsMove aside Osama
Posted on August 7, 2008
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As Americans we want our presidential hopefuls to be smart. We want them to have a firm stance on the hard-hitting issues that face so many of us today. We want them to be sharp and focused on the obstacles ahead. We want … to know who their favorite superheroes are, and why they want to be them.
Both Sen. John McCain and Sen. Barack Obama agree that they identify with Batman, but in this article/blog, we find that Obama wants to be Batman AND Spider-Man. You want a fork so you can eat your cake too?
Written by Bryan SchoolsParis Hilton in 2008
Posted on August 6, 2008
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Did you see the television ad from the McCain campaign last week? Paris Hilton certainly did, and was surprised to find herself featured in it, along with Sen. Barack Obama and Britney Spears. The ad, which Sen. John McCain has since defended, paints Obama as a celebrity unworthy of being president.
Normally, the SG Election Team, The Most Greatest Election Coverage Team Since The Dawn of Time®, would not give two hoots about what Hilton is up to, but it seems she has taken the McCain ad to heart and is throwing her hat into the ring.
Hilton has responded this week with her own ad, released online, where she announces that she must be running for president if she is mentioned in an ad, so she might as well start campaigning. Not much is known about Hilton’s politics, or even if she knows that they are, but one thing is certain: she is the first presidential contender to wear lip gloss since Jimmy Carter.
Written by Bryan McBournieBig Twinkie speaks out
Posted on August 1, 2008
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We’ve heard all kinds of reasons why Obama shouldn’t even be in this race:
- Old people say he’s too young.
- Women say he’s not a woman.
- Jesse Jackson says he has two too many nuts.
- Others say he’s too arrogant, flaunting his well-spokeness and ideas.
And now, The Wall Street Journal believes he may be too skinny for fat people. Their fear is that fat people won’t vote for someone who can’t identify with their pain. You see, many of them were born with genes that make it impossible for them to look like the models in magazines. Why, in order to even see themselves portrayed in a positive light, they have to create their own publications and television networks.
That’s a cultural experience that Barack Obama could never understand.
Written by Rick SneeObama/Luda ‘08
Posted on July 31, 2008
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And this guy was supposed to be the modern President. Presidential hopefull Barack Obama slammed a new rap by resident “Move B****” rapper Ludacris. Barack basically wrapped the whole thing up by claiming the rap was “offensive” and that Ludacris should be “ashamed” of the rap that spit out that our current President is “mentally handicapped.” That’s my Bush!
Written by Bryan SchoolsCollege Republicans get you
Posted on July 24, 2008
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College Republicans just can’t figure out what’s happening on their campuses. For some reason, they just can’t get students to their meetings.
Now, why is that? Could it be:
- The war in Iraq?
- Reports of a decling economy despite free-market reign?
- A pro-life stance that doesn’t jive with Thirsty Thursday?
- The proclivity of Liberal Arts majors to support Democrats?
- You’re a dork?
- Or is it because John McCain is old? Yes, that must be it.
Good thing we got to the bottom of this image problem.
Written by Rick SneeGeneralization: just one of our many services
Posted on July 22, 2008
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It’s time to play our country’s favorite game … How Does One Guy Represent All Black Americans?!
Today’s question is a tough one, so pay close attention:
If Barack Obama is elected President, would this mean that all black people …
a) … are equal to whites now?
b) … will get better jobs?
c) … who aren’t Barack Obama will not be President?
Send your responses to race-baiting@slownews.com.
Written by Rick SneeHistory repeats itself (yet again [again])
Posted on July 10, 2008
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Hey Kentucky SG-ites, it’s time to meet your Senate candidates!
Up first: former tough guy actor Sonny Landham, who is running for Senate in Kentucky, had a burgeoning career in hardcore porn movies, but had that cut short with bit parts in several 1980s movies like Poltergeist, 48 Hours and Predator. He’s not ashamed to admit it either, because that would still make him only the third weirdest member of the Predator cast to be elected governor of a U.S. state.
The Guys are pretty sure he’s talking about his early “blue film” filmography, but, hey, I wouldn’t exactly be proud of being in 48 Hours either.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorMcCain: Money doesn’t grow on trees, etc.
Posted on July 8, 2008
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Nation, we’re a country with no thrift. You see it every-dang-day as we spend hard-earned money on whatsits, like iPods and corned beef. (What’s wrong with regular-old cornless beef?)
It’s at this time that we need something — or rather someone — to kick us in the butt and nip this egregious spending spree in the bud. That something — or someone – is John McCain.
As a proud papa, McCain pledges the following in his plan to balance the budget by 2013:
- Turn off that light. Are you still in the bathroom? No? Then turn it off.
- Close the G.D. refrigerator door. We’re not refrigerating the entire world. Besides, you’re getting kind of fat, anyway.
- Take care of your shoes. You don’t need new boots. Do you know when John bought his? 1946. You know how they’ve lasted so long? He polishes them and gets them resoled.
- No unnecessary travel. Wait, we spent how much to send you to Iraq? And now you want to come back after only five years? John doesn’t think so. Traveling home costs money — money we don’t have.