Americanization: complete
Posted on February 26, 2010
Filed Under SG Translations | 1 Comment |
If there were any doubts about our progress in the war in Afghanistan, let us assuage them right now. Combating Afghan and Taliban forces trash-talk each other before and during firefights over the radio, the Taliban often accusing the Afghans of loving Obama.
Does it sound like our own political discourse? SeriouslyGuys translated these radio transmissions during a skirmish so that you can decide for yourself:
AFGHAN: Put down your weapons.
TALIBAN: Bah, typical Obamabot, trying to take our guns!
AFGHAN: We don’t want your guns. We want you to stop fighting and join the discussion about how to run this country.
TALIBAN: Yeah? You want to run Afghanistan as a Muslim nation like the Founders intended?
AFGHAN: Well, although the Founders may have been Muslim, our original ancestors in the region were most likely Zoroastrian, and we’ve also had periods in our history where we were predominantly Hindu or Buddhist …
TALIBAN: War on Islam!
AFGHAN: –what?
TALIBAN: You want to outlaw Islam!
AFGHAN: What? No. Dude, we’re mostly Muslim, too. Besides, Islam takes up, like, 99% of the population. You’re not exactly oppressed. We’re OK with you being devout Muslims, but let’s keep it out of the government.
TALIBAN: So you’re proposing an amoral government!
AFGHAN: Really? When you people were in charge, you used religion to justify keeping women covered, uneducated and pregnant. What kind of moral government is that?
TALIBAN: You-you’re just in love with Obama!
AFGHAN: No, we don’t love him. We just think he has some good ideas, but we don’t necessarily trust that the United States has all of our best interests at heart. [Emphasis theirs. The spoken Pushtin language pronounces italics.]
TALIBAN: Keep drinking that Kool-Aid, Obamabot! Where’s your messiah now?!
AFGHAN: What’s “Kool-Aid?”
TALIBAN: HEAR MY VOICE! HEAR MY VOICE, SECRET CHRISTIAN RADIO OPERATOR!
[Gunfire erupts, interspersed with cries of "Allahu Akbar."]
(Special thanks to slantsmcgtee.)
Written by Rick SneeCongress is too manly for its own good
Posted on February 22, 2010
Filed Under Scurry to the Capitol | Leave a Comment |
Are you tired of Congress? Does it seem like they just won’t get the job done, no matter who we send there? Do you believe lawmakers are no longer willing to work together on the issues? Sen. Evan Bayh, D-Ind., agrees with you, which is why he’s done with it all.
The problem with Congress today? They’ve got balls.
Yes, in an interview, Bayh said “testosterone poisoning” was part of a culture shift in Congress that has led to everyone hating everyone and picking sides. Well, that and reality television. Bayh also said “tribal” politics has led to our current situation. It is so bad that congressmen are organizing themselves into two groups, and every two years some people get voted out.
Written by Bryan McBournieWho keeps buying these books?
Posted on February 10, 2010
Filed Under Scurry (Politics), What a Reach! | 1 Comment |
We didn’t read the Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama or Going Rogue by Sarah Palin. You know why? Because they just reached the point where their lives have received notice, deserved or otherwise.
Sure, autobiographies have to be written within a person’s lifetime, so there’s obviously some time for an update, but:
- Who cares how you got into the career you enjoy, especially politics?
- Can’t it wait until you’ve accomplished something other than win (or lose, in Palin’s case) an election? Or are these the new Nobel Peace Prizes?
Proving that no politician who makes the news is above this trend, nor are the idiots that eat these books up, newly-elected U.S. Senator Scott Brown (R-Mass.) has started shopping his life story out to publishers.
Written by Rick SneePresenting the new Apple iPresident
Posted on January 22, 2010
Filed Under A Word from Our Sponsors, Scurry (Politics) | Leave a Comment |
Just when we thought the looming threat of NASCAR had been contained to the redneckier parts of America, it appears that the sport managed to slip into Washington, D.C.–more specifically, into the U.S. Supreme Court.
In a 5-4 decision divided on the usual party lines, the Supreme Court ruled that corporations can “spend as much as they [want] to sway voters in federal elections.”
Now, a lot of people are upset about this … although they’re mostly people who don’t own corporations, so what do they know, right? They certainly aren’t looking on the bright side.
For instance: voters already complain that they can’t tell the difference between presidential candidates anymore, saying that they’re forced to select “the lesser of two evils.” Well, what if Pepsi endorsed one of them? BOOM! 50 percent of the population just voted for, “I’ll have a water, then.”
Best of all, candidates could actually coordinate their campaign slogans with their contributors. Jonathan Edwards could “clean up” his image with an endorsement from Tide. Or, he could show he’s learned his lesson about fathering inconvenient children with a giant Trojan backdrop behind his podium.
Written by Rick SneeSome advice if you’re running for office
Posted on December 2, 2009
Filed Under Scurry (Politics), What a Reach! | Leave a Comment |
The Guys have followed a lot of elections since way back in 2007. In that time, we’ve covered the emergence of new political tools like robocalls and observing foreign countries from your backyard. But, there’s one that has gained more popularity than any other: refusing to accept the results.
Recounts, which entered the modern campaign vocabulary in the 2000 presidential race have gone on to hold up the increasingly smaller results of senate, representative and now mayoral races.
One of either two things needs to happen:
- The American people need to start voting for popular people in hasty, landslide elections like in the good old days of prom season, or
- Politicians need to concede when they’ve lost and start planning for the next race.
All we’re saying is that election workers hate sitting in warehouses all day. If you think another count is going to magically reverse the results and curry their favor, then you probably also eat more spit than your average McDonald’s gourmand.
Written by Rick SneeWhich means they should serve jury duty for us
Posted on November 30, 2009
Filed Under Scurry to the Capitol, Too Soon? | Leave a Comment |
Ever since Ted Kennedy bowed out of the health care debate due to a pre-existing condition, four candidates in Massachusetts are trying to out lib each other to replace him.
In the latest effort for each to paint the other three as downright gunsmoking fascists, three of them said they support lowering the voting age from 18 to 17.
If this happens, the percentage of sober voters is expected to triple. However, the candidates will have shot themselves in the foot if Kennedy returns from the dead.
Written by Rick SneeWake us up when it’s 2010
Posted on November 17, 2009
Filed Under Scurry to the Capitol | Leave a Comment |
Well, it’s mid-November, which means we can retire the “Scurry” tag until next year …
… Or can we?
Yes, folks, it’s not reality television an election unless there are recounts! The snoozer of a race that attracted the attention of teabaggers, Sarah Palin and other political celebutards in New York’s 23rd District is not over.
Upon learning that there are still mail-in ballots to be counted, Conservative Party candidate Doug Hoffman “un-conceded“ on Glenn Beck’s radio show. (Unlike his television show, the sound of his tear drops must be imitated in the studio with a sponge and a pail of water.)
If this race gets overturned, then black is white, up is down and the Republican Party still lost.
Written by Rick SneeWe’re more proud of those that “teddu rooseveltu”
Posted on November 17, 2009
Filed Under Scurry (Politics), Tokyoh-no! | Leave a Comment |
In SG moonspeak, that means to “kill bears without provocation and be damn well known for it.”
Not Japan, though. They love them some Obama. How much do they love him? Enough to give him his own verb.
Obamu: v. To proceed optimistically despite challenging obstacles.
Apparently, mind you, this sort of thing isn’t unheard of. Back when President Bush (Dana Carvey edition) went and visited Japan, he lost a tennis match to Emperor Hirohito and later that evening at a dinner party, he bushu suru: vomited in public.
Of course, these words never really made it into the public’s lexicon, as most people have never even heard the terms, just mainly college students, where the phrase “obamu” is supposed to be popular. Starting out by being passed around in a Kyoto University mailer, the made up word was then mentioned on Twitter. All of one grand time. That’s apparently enough to initiate societal change among young adults. Should we begin to use the word more often and keep it alive? Or should we believe in the ability to change it?
Heh. Bushu suru.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorSomeone gives a s#%t about bumper stickers
Posted on November 6, 2009
Filed Under Scurry (Politics) | Leave a Comment |
Every election year, millions of people put candidate bumper stickers on their cars. And, for the most part, nobody notices until some McCainiac cuts you off or the sticker’s hilariously outdated.
Good news, though! Somebody is actually paying attention to what you put on your car: politicians.
“During long campaign swings in Virginia’s recent gubernatorial campaign, Bob McDonnell’s staff would count the cars that sported both Obama and McDonnell bumper stickers.”
Congratulations! You’ve made yourself heard … as yet another highway statistic.
Written by Rick SneeGot any plans for Feb. 25?
Posted on November 4, 2009
Filed Under Scurry (Politics) | Leave a Comment |
THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY!
February 25, 2010 (pronounced “twenty-ten”) the Decider, the Executioner-in-Chief, the Iraqi Hurt Locker, former two-term questionable election champion, George “Dubya” Bush will be in an “uncensored, unedited and unpredictable” “no-holds-barred” debate …
…against the Chubby Chaser, the Silver-Tongued Diablo de NAFTA, also a former two-term champion, Bill “The Inhaler” Clinton!
The event will occur at Radio City Music Hall in the Fightin’ Manhattan district of Fightin’ New York City, right under where they shoot the Fightin’ Saturday Night Live!
No rules! No cop-outs! Two elder statesmen will enter, and both will leave under heavy security!
THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY!
BE THERE!