Category: Scurry (Politics)

| Filed under Scurry '16, Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: Time to show personal accountability

Trump voters complaining about not getting their daily dose of cat pictures on social media should be grateful they’re not getting punched like Nazis.

A lot of people are upset about the election still — at least 3 million or so. And that’s not going to change any time soon, especially as the newly inaugurated president restarts the Keystone XL and Dakota Access pipelines, coincidentally shuts down the EPA and National Park Service’s communications with the public and disseminates “alternative facts” to the public through his personal flacks. It hasn’t even been a week into the new administration.

But, there’s another chorus of voices, those who can’t abide these bad feelings and rancor, who know that arguing about politics doesn’t solve anything, who wish we could all sit back and give the new guy a chance, who — let’s not kid ourselves — voted for him.

Do not be tempted by these voices, no matter their relationship. They voted for the “party of personal accountability.” If our anger at their decision is making them feel bad: tough sh*t. In the words of the last president, “Elections have consequences,” and chief among those is feeling bad when we’ve done something stupid that hurts a lot of people. And, brother, nobody prevented an oil spill by being polite. Continue reading

| Filed under Scurry '16

Perry creates job at Department of Energy

“I just created a job! You’re welcome, America.”

Rick Perry begins the confirmation process Thursday for a position that, had he won the presidency in 2012, would not exist today: leading the Department of Energy. In 2011, he felt that the DOE had only one function — giving oil barons migraines — but, he’s changed his tune now that he discovered one more function: giving him a job.

‘My past statements made over five years ago about abolishing the Department of Energy do not reflect my current thinking,’ Perry said in prepared remarks planned for delivery at his confirmation hearing. ‘In fact, after being briefed on so many of the vital functions of the Department of Energy, I regret recommending its elimination.’

In Perry’s defense, he never actually said that he would get rid of the only serious job offer he’s received since putting on nerd specs for his LinkedIn profile picture. He said he would eliminate “Commerce, Education and the um …”

See? The DOE lives thanks to the leadership presented by then failed presidential candidate Perry. So, when you think about it, who better to usher it into its post-relevancy era?

| Filed under Scurry '16

Trump: Man of 140 characters (or less)

Follow @realDonaldTrump for all the news that nobody objective with a conscience will print without questioning it.

Part of The Guys’ preparation for President-elect Trump’s inauguration this week is to cancel our newspaper subscriptions. Why pay for a service that the next president won’t talk to when we can read his deepest, most planned out thoughts for free on Twitter? It’s the very least that we, his soon-to-be constituents can do since he doesn’t even like tweeting, you guys.

According to his own words (if they can be trusted) during a Fox News interview with Ainsley Earhardt on Wednesday, Trump has to call out Alec Baldwin, SNL, his replacement on The Apprentice, our free press and our Intelligence Community on Twitter, starting at sometimes the crack of dawn through late at night, because he has no choice! This is a service he provides for you, citizen — so start appreciating it with likes, retweets and #followbacks!

Oh, and also because nobody will quote him without distorting it with cheap media tricks like adding context or republishing his words verbatim:

‘Look, I don’t like tweeting. I have other things I could be doing,’ Trump told Earhardt. ‘But I get very dishonest media, very dishonest press, and it’s my only way that I can get out and correct.’

… he said to Fox News. Looks like even a corrupt clock with tiny hands can be right at least once a day.

| Filed under Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, Scurry '16

In democracy, machines count for something

Letting machines take over our elections means that people who protest the results will look less crazy and more like John Connor.
Letting machines take over our elections means that people who protest the results will look less crazy and more like John Connor.

Good news, everyone, about the recount in Wisconsin! … No, not that. He probably still won. But! The recount should prove that, when (not “if”) the machines take over, they’re even better at democracy than we are. So, the singularity shouldn’t be a totalitarian dictatorship!

For all the worries about human error in vote counting and machines screwing up, four election experts believe that the Wisconsin recount will prove two things: (1) we’re better at counting votes than we think, and (2) machines are better than us at it and, therefore democracy.

Previous recounts show a 0.28 percent discrepancy in hand-counted votes, while computer-counted votes only had a 0.17 percent discrepancy. And even when the machines screw up, it’s mostly when a human factor interrupts the computer process, like a human logging computer counts incorrectly on a pen and ink form.

So, if we really want a more representative government, then perhaps it’s time to throw out the factor that keeps (minutely) screwing it up: humans.

| Filed under Scurry '16, The McBournie Minute

The McBournie Minute: Get excited for ballot measures

After what seems like a decade, it’s finally here. Americans get to vote tomorrow, and say goodbye to those endless attack ads on TV and those political images with words on them that are always false, but that one friend always shares on Facebook. We made it, everyone!

You’ve known for months who you are voting for, unless you’re an idiot who is somehow still undecided, but do you know how you’re going to vote on the ballot issues? That’s right, folks, ballot measures are back, and they probably will have a more direct and immediate impact on your life.

So let’s take a look at some of the big issues out there. As I did two years ago, I’ll tell you which way you should vote tomorrow. Continue reading

| Filed under Scurry '16, Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: Somebody’s gotta do it (but not you)

Update (10/22/2016): As most people are aware, Mike Rowe responded to this post on Wednesday, 10/19/2016. I posted an apology and brief explanation while I digested his response, reread his post, and came to terms with why I could have approached this topic better.

After a few days, I’ve finished collecting my thoughts in a new follow-up post. It’s a long read, but I hope it adequately explains why I wrote the unjustifiable way I did about Mike Rowe, why I owed him an apology, and why I still respectfully disagree with him over encouraging people to vote.

I also wrote it on my own site because, fair warning, it’s probably too boring for SeriouslyGuys.


Yes, yes. You're very well ... watched.
Yes, yes. You’re very well read watched.

For some people, an election boils down to Democrat or Republican.

For others, it’s Vote or Not Vote because, overall, politicians are no prize. They’re more like the price of living in a republic with democratically elected representation: OK, you get someone who will mostly make the decisions you want, but they’ll also be the kind of person who wants to be a decision-maker for everyone else. It’s no surprise that most of these people probably rank high on the psychopath spectrum.

So, I can understand when a common sense guy like Mike Rowe would rather not encourage people to vote. Voting is inspirational in the theoretical, Leonardo-DiCaprio-does-it sense. But when you look at the choices, it looks more like a dirty job — do you ladle out the solid chunks or siphon the ammonia-smelling liquids?

But, when Mike Rowe says that people shouldn’t be encouraged to vote because they’re probably too stupid to do so, that’s not common sense. (Rant also celebrated here, although it bogusly claims he posted it a couple of days ago.) That’s elitism, which seems out of character for the champion of the hard-working American.  Continue reading

| Filed under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex, Facepalm, Scurry '16

You can’t afford to be bigoted

"I'm fired. But who cares? I'm still rich."
“I’m fired. But who cares? I’m still rich.”

It’s important to remember that, while Donald Trump locked up the Republican nomination after categorically suspecting Mexicans of rape and drug trafficking and Muslims of terrorism, he still hasn’t gotten the job of president. He can still blow the second half of the interview by failing to convince enough Americans that he didn’t somehow mean all of that in a racist or bigoted way.

Even more importantly: whether he wins the election or not, Trump will be OK. Even if most of the country thinks he’s a racist, he has enough money — possibly even untaxed money — to say and do racist things. He will be able to retire to any segregated (emphasis on “gated”) community once this is all said and done, safe from the half of the country he’s alternately insulting and paying lip-service to right now.

So, please keep this in mind when you’re about to post something on social media that Trump would say. Ask yourself: “Can I afford to post this?” Because an elementary school teacher’s aide in Georgia and the mayor of West York, Pennsylvania just learned that, no, they can’t afford it and will most likely need to seek out new careers.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Scurry '16

Science: some people ‘bowling alley beautiful’

When running for office, never be seen with your more handsome "doppelganger."
When running for office, never be seen with your more handsome “doppelgänger.”

Some people are just naturally, ungodly beautiful in any setting, next to anyone. These are the people we destroy by turning them into celebrities because, like a race car, what’s the point of owning anything beautiful if you don’t run it into a wall or two.

For the rest of us, we’re all also beautiful in that Ray Stevens sense — as in, in the proper context. According to actual research, anyone can rate as more generally attractive by being the most attractive person around or in a group.

For instance, think of Marco Rubio. Next to Saved by the Bell‘s Mario Lopez, Rubio looks like Bert and Ernie’s in vitro Muppet son. (Lopez is only two years younger, proving how fickle the gods are with bestowing handsomeness.)

Now, put him on stage in a herd of doughy guys ranging from Chris Christie to John Kasich, and he looks like one of their interns snuck on stage.

With the right crowd, you can easily win F*ck, Marry, Kill, Kill, Kill Kill, Kill, Kill, Kill or Kill.
With the right crowd, you can easily win F*ck, Marry, Kill, Kill, Kill Kill, Kill, Kill, Kill or Kill.

This effectively disproves the Roadie Theory, which is that, one day, the lead singer, guitarist, drummer and bass player will all one day decide not to have sex with someone, which means you’re in. Unfortunately, in that crowd, you probably rank lower than, “Uber home, turn in early.”

| Filed under Booze News, Scurry '16

C-Span asks viewers to text hot takes to D.C. bartender

Monday’s presidential debate had millions of viewers. Everyone wanted to see the prize fight, and TV stations couldn’t wait to get viewers and let them express their feedback. But a Washington, D.C. bartender was confused when her phone started blowing up with hot takes on the debate.

After the debate, C-Span invited viewers to share their opinions about the candidates and the debate via Twitter, Facebook and text message. The problem is, they listed the wrong number to text. The number they told people to text was actually owned by Tripp Diaz, who had no idea what was going on. She has received some 13,000 text messages and has 400 missed calls from C-Span viewers looking to put in their two cents about the debate. That bill ought to be fun.

Also, apparently there are still people who watch C-Span.

| Filed under Scurry '16, Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: Out of options, Republicans turn to ‘Doctor Who’

"Don't you think she looks tired?" said two men who are both older than Hillary Clinton and look it despite what look like multiple cosmetic surgeries.
“Don’t you think she looks tired?” said two men who are both older than Hillary Clinton and look it despite multiple cosmetic treatments.

In the past several years of covering presidential elections — and some mid-terms because, contrary to what the Greens and Libertarians think, we elect people every year to leadership positions besides President — The Guys have seen various disclosure trends. If someone’s running against a millionaire, they push to release tax returns. If running against a black person who may have been born in Kenya, they push to release birth certificates, college grades and possibly even drug tests.

And now, if running against a woman who’s almost a year younger than them, they push to release health recordsContinue reading