Category: Scurry (Politics)

| Filed under Scurry '16, Sex Sells

Cruz pulls out of ad with porn actress

This was the safest for work picture we could Google for her. So, obviously, the Cruz campaign didn't even Google her.
This was the safest for work picture we could find for her. So, obviously, the Cruz campaign didn’t even Google her.

In the age of social media, it’s hard to hire anybody who doesn’t have a nude or scandalous picture online somewhere. That said, it should be obvious when they have an IMDb page filled with titles like Timegate: Tales of the Saddle TrampsRadio Erotica and Deviant Whores. Still, the future leader of the free world managed to hire someone with that C.V. for his latest ad.

Sen. Ted Cruz’s campaign cast Amy Lindsay in an ad where people in group therapy talk about their regret of once supporting fellow Sen. Marco Rubio. (We assume she got the role because of her work as Dr. Karin Clemens in 2003’s Insatiable Desires.)

The Cruz campaign stressed that had they “known of her full filmography, we obviously would not have let her appear in the ad.” To be clear, her entire filmography stretches from 1994 to present with entries like Carnal Wishes as recent as 2015.

But, we’re sure that the Cruz administration won’t accidentally put, say, an Al Qaeda operative in charge of the CIA. You know, unless Mr. Bildin al-Bombir hides his past terrorism by including every bombing he helped plan on his LinkedIn account.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Scurry '16

Moisturize, don’t become president

Pretty people say the stupidest things.
Pretty people say the stupidest things.

We’re all trying to look younger. If we fail to do so, then we’ll look creepy when we tell attractive 20- and 30-year-olds that “40 is the new 30,” “50 is the new 40” and so on.

There are a couple of steps we can take to slow down aging:

  1. Work out.
  2. Moisturize.
  3. Use sunscreen daily, even on cloudy days.
  4. Lose the presidential election.

We always knew that U.S. presidents age faster than the rest of us. But, a new study indicates that presidents live 2.7 fewer years on average than the other people they ran against. So, it’s safe to say that this year’s entire Republican line-up will look fantastic for a very long time.

| Filed under Scurry to the Capitol

The beard is dead, Paul Ryan killed it

"Oh, sweet. The guy who wants to make sure I never see a dime of what I paid into Social Security now looks like my ex's new boyfriend."
“Oh, sweet. The guy who wants to make sure I never see a dime of what I paid into Social Security now looks like my ex’s new boyfriend.”

As The Guys, we wondered how long the current beard trend would last. It had successfully migrated from bear culture to the gay general population, and now every other straight male has already started growing out their “winter beard.”

Well, we’re ready to announce that, as of November 30, 2015, the beard is over. Just like how he killed free weights, U.S. Rep. Paul Ryan (R – Wisc.) is now growing a beard to be the first bearded Speaker of the House since Frederick Gillett, a Massachusetts Republican, left office in 1925.

It’s also believed that Ryan has also killed involved fatherhood and the push for paternity leave by pledging to return home every weekend to spend time with his children. We know his kids can’t be too happy about his Mr. Mom phase — they just got rid of him by sending him to D.C. back in 1999.

We also heard the Paul Ryan eats Paleo, runs Tough Mudders and listens to Muse. You’re welcome, people with no real interests.

| Filed under Facepalm, Scurry '16

At least somebody’s been watching our debates

We've got a great name to put on Budi Waseso's dream ...
We’ve got a great name to put on Budi Waseso’s dream …

OK, if we can get the Mexicans to pay for our border wall (not sure what they have against Canadians, though), then we can get the Indonesians to pay for a crocodile moat.

Government officials in Indonesia are trying to laugh away plans from their anti-drug czar to build a super-dooper-max detention facility for death row inmates. (In Indonesia, that’s anybody convicted of drug offenses, so they’re obviously running out of room.) National Narcotics Agency (BNN) chief Budi Waseso, however, says that he is not joking about his plans to surround a prison island with crocodiles, tigers and piranhas (oh my!).

And the best part is that he’s already testing it out for our eventual border moat. Waseso says that he’s already obtained two crocodiles to study their aggression and figure out the perfect mix with piranhas to maximize convict lethality while also keeping them from eating each other.

| Filed under Scurry (Politics)

British lawmaker can’t find the R2-D2 shoes she is looking for

The Democratic and Republican presidential debates serve as a reminder that for some reason portions of us think these people are worthy of leadership. The rest of us just have fun watching Jeb Bush humiliate himself. But even so, it’s nice to know that politics aren’t all prim and proper overseas, either.

Angela Rayner is a member of parliament in the British House of Commons. She wanted to buy a pair of shoes, but they were sold out. So she wrote a strongly worded letter to the shop that sold the shoes, and did so on House of Commons letterhead. An MP used official letterhead to complain about shoes. Scandalous, right? She was complaining that she wasn’t able to buy some high heels with R2-D2 on them.

This is the internet, so nothing Star Wars is outrageous for many people. But can you imagine if Nancy Pelosi strolled into the Capitol one day in shoes that had C-3PO on the heel?

| Filed under Facepalm, Scurry '16

Facts trailing behind Trump, Carson in polls

Dr. Carson used a method perfected by medical pioneers Shaggy and Rikrok: "It wasn't me."
Dr. Carson used a method perfected by medical pioneers Shaggy and Rikrok to surgically remove himself from past quackery: “It wasn’t me.”

Last night, Republican primary candidates faced off once again in debate, this time in Colorado on CNBC. The winner? Lying and skirting questions.

  • Donald Trump denied criticizing Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg for his stance on immigration, even though the words from the question came from his own web site.
  • Dr. Ben Carson denied ever promoting legally- and nutritionally-dubious supplement company Mannatech despite repeated reporting and photo evidence that he, in fact, did.
  • Sen. Ted Cruz refused to answer a question about the issues — in his case, debt and the budget deals that he opposes — because he claimed that wasn’t a question about the issues.

All in all, the Republican candidates are once again asking voters who they’re gonna believe: them, or the media that keeps quoting them. And not trusting the media is exactly how they got blindsided in 2012, lest they forget this scene:

But, hey, maybe that’s the problem. Maybe they didn’t bury their heads deep enough.

| Filed under Scurry '16

Jim Webb’s 10 minutes up

"Yes, next question ... No, I'm not Lincoln Chafee. He announces his dropout tomorrow, dammit."
“Yes, next question … No, I’m not Lincoln Chafee. He announces his dropout tomorrow, dammit.”

Former Senator Jim Webb (D-Virginia) plans to drop out of the 2016 Democratic primary, no doubt to spend more time at home to complain about getting only 10 of the 15 minutes of fame that the other candidates got.

Webb consistently trailed in polls behind Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Denny’s Baconalia and Joe Biden — and of those four, only Joe Biden isn’t running for president. Webb blames a corrupt two-party system for his 1 percent rating, and he ought to know: he’s participated in both sides of it since 1977. Of course, it probably doesn’t help that he’s barely campaigned at all compared to Clinton, Sanders and Baconalia in Iowa and New Hampshire.

There’s some word on the street that he might endure further disappointment as an independent candidate. So, we’ll go ahead and say goodbye to Mr. Webb now — independents are legally classified as dead in 24 states.

| Filed under Scurry (Politics)

Santa Claus is governing the town

The man is a political junkie, as we saw at the Democratic debate.
The man is a political junkie, as we saw at the Democratic debate.

We don’t think about the North Pole unless it’s Christmas, but the town exists year-round. That means they must have some sort of government and all the problems of a small town.

It turns out that North Pole isn’t a dictatorship run by Santa Claus, but he just got elected to the city council. Claus conducted a successful write-in campaign for the seat in North Pole, Alaska after no one threw their hat into the ring. He got more than twice the candidate who finished second. You may remember Santa Claus from his stirring speech in favor of medical marijuana back in June.

This holiday season promises to be merrier than ever.

| Filed under Scurry '16

Fox News CEO blocked out last 8 years

The real racists are the people who think Rupert Murdoch looks like the bad guy from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
The real racists are the people who think Rupert Murdoch looks like the bad guy from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Fox News CEO — and elected representative of the Australian Lizard People — Rupert Murdoch seems to have repressed memories of the last eight years. In spite of round-the-clock coverage of the Obama administration on his news network, he seemingly forgot all about our nation’s first black president when he posted on Twitter that he hopes Ben Carson will be our first “real black President.”

That is, either Murdoch has repressed all memories of the Obama administration, believing that the only black president America has had is Bill Clinton, or you’re only really black if you agree with him politically and racially.

Fortunately for white men everywhere, Ben Carson is determined to be the black friend that makes us not racist, whether he’s giving us permission to fly the Confederate flag or judge our own “Mr. African-American” contest:

The Carson campaign says it has no problems with Murdoch’s original tweet.

Of course you don’t, Dr. Carson. That’s how Rupert knows that you’re one of the good ones.

| Filed under Scurry (Politics)

Florida Libertarians select guy who got kicked out of cult

Just as Florida seems to have weird problems that other states just don’t seem to have, they also have strange problems with their politicians. For example, one guy running for office got kicked out of a cult.

Augustus Sol Invictus, which is apparently not his real name, is running for a seat in the U.S. Senate as a Libertarian from Florida. He has also been accused of supporting eugenics, and being kicked out of a cult for a ritualistic sacrifice of a goat. Those accusations aren’t coming from opponents, they’re coming from Florida Libertarian Party Chairman Adrian Wyllie, who stepped down in protest of Invictus’ nomination.

As a Libertarian, shouldn’t Wyllie be for personal freedom and against a political party telling someone what they can and can’t believe? The Guys aren’t making political endorsements yet, but we do admire Invictus’ anti-goat stance.