Category: Scurry (Politics)

| Filed under Scurry (Politics)

The seat of power

"Dammit, Erdogan! Fooled by another chocolate-filled toilet seat!"
“Dammit, Erdogan! Fooled by another foil-covered chocolate toilet seat!”

It’s election season in Turkey, which means it’s time to accuse the sitting president of sitting on gold toilet seats. This comes as part of a list of lavish items that presidential rival, Kemal Kilicdaroglu of the Republican People’s Party (CHP), has accused Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan of installing in his new 1,000 room presidential palace.

President Erdogan wins for the best response to the allegation, saying that he will resign immediately if Kilicdaroglu can find just one golden toilet seat in the palace. Folks, there aren’t a lot of ways to make your political opponent bite-test every toilet seat in your house. Congratulations, Mr. Turkish President.

| Filed under Scurry (Politics)

Oh, to be a fly on the wall in Alabama

While the rest of the country is replaying the '90s, Alabama's still wrapping up the '80s.
Holy crap! We really are reliving the ’90s, one set of read lips at a time.

Longtime readers will remember that I used to live in Alabama, and I was there for the Tea Party revolution that had right-leaning voters so angry that they literally destroyed ballots by voting Republican so hard with their pencils. As part of those sweeps, they elected Robert Bentley governor, who promised “no new taxes” — as if the over 90% Republican state legislature would let him anyway.

Well, four years later, and that Republican legislature is looking at cuts to fill a $250 million hole in the budget. Gov. Bentley says this will mean “closing State Trooper posts, National Guard armories, and decreasing Department of Mental Health and Department of Corrections services,” and that the only solution is to raise taxes.

And just to really troll his fellow Republicans, he’s saying he’s doing it because Reagan did it:

‘Ronald Reagan, the icon of conservatism, raised taxes because he was a conservative,’ Bentley said. ‘There is nothing more conservative than paying your debts and getting your budgets in order. That’s conservative.’

Oh, to be a fly on the wall of that statehouse.

| Filed under Scurry (Politics), Sex Sells, That Wacky Australia

Australia’s Sex Party gets cockblocked

Stay strong, Australian Sex Party. If not for us, stay strong for Australian Chris Pratt.
Stay strong, Australian Sex Party. If not for us, stay strong for Australian Chris Pratt.

Like the bitter reality of orgies, it’s not looking good for Australia’s Sex Party. The only thing we know about Australian politics took a blow Thursday when they lost their registration in the Australian Election Commission. This means that, although they can still field candidates, there will be no more Sexy names on ballots or Sexy federal funding.

The problem is that, to maintain their registration, they need to either have an elected representative in the federal government or prove that they have at least 500 members. But, because most of their members don’t have home phone numbers and move around a lot, they’re having trouble keeping their confirmed numbers up.

Well, Australia, you’re not the only ones who lose if you no longer have a Sex Party. The Guys need to know that there are still sexy times in the world. So, we’re calling on all members of the Australian Sex Party to make yourselves known as publicly as possible. Get out there and show how many of you there truly are in your terrifying country.

That’s right: we’re calling for Handjobs Across Australia.

| Filed under Scurry (Politics)

Obama, P.I.

While Obama, P.I. will have to solve his cases on his own, he will still retain Secret Service protection.
While Obama, P.I. will have to solve his cases on his own, he will still retain Secret Service protection.

If you’re wondering what President Obama’s plans are for after 2018, let’s just say he’s definitely moving to Hawaii to become a private investigator/mustache farmer. Some guy with some connection to the president bought the estate used in Magnum, P.I. as “Robin’s Nest.”

We’re certain that President Obama will be welcome to stay as long as he likes, contrary to however Higgins feels about it. And, should he ever get kicked out, he can crash at Rick’s Cafe American, which will most likely be run by Joe Biden by that point.

| Filed under Scurry (Politics)

Canadian lawmaker misses vote because of underwear

Sure, Congress sucks. They can’t get anything done and everyone hates them. But it could be worse. At least they’re not a parliament.

Earlier this week, you saw members of Turkey’s parliament fight during a discussion of a controversial bill, but we’ve got something worse. In Canada, a member of parliament was forced to leave his seat during a vote because his underwear was too small, in what might be the highest-profile humblebrag Canada has ever seen.

Pat Martin told the House of Commons that he accidentally bought underwear a size too small, and he bought a lot because they were half price. The problem is that it’s uncomfortable for him to sit down. That’s exactly why John Boehner goes commando.

| Filed under (S)Curry

Hindus and don’ts

OK, so maybe wearing the country's flag colors attracts the weirdo element to every political party.
OK, so maybe wearing the country’s flag colors attracts the weirdo element to every political party.

India’s Prime Minister Narendra Modi found himself in a situation rarely seen off the cover of a Robert E. Howard novel: staring at a statue of himself in a temple built by political followers who also kind of, you know, worship him.

Hundreds of his followers in the western city of Rajkot donated funds for a temple that features a seated statue of Modi and is topped out with a wind gauge shaped like a lotus, the symbol of his Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP).

Modi stated for the record that he was appalled and that “This is shocking and against India’s great traditions. Building such temples is not what our culture teaches us.”

“Besides,” he added, “It’s not like I’m Ronald Reagan.”

| Filed under Scurry '16

Vote Anakin Skywalker in 2016

Begun, the presidential campaign has.

A recent survey found that most people favor Luke Skywalker, Han Solo and Yoda above all other Star Wars characters. Even Darth Vader and Boba Fett polled more favorably than any the prospective 2016 presidential candidates. Even Emperor Palpatine polled higher than the likes of Paul Ryan, Rick Perry, Elizabeth Warren, or fellow Star Wars character Scott Walker.

The American people still don’t like Jar Jar Binks, though.

| Filed under Scurry (Politics)

Old-fashioned politics: Hitting your opponent with a car

Sick of election coverage yet? Too bad, we got one more story for you! Luckily this doesn’t involve anything that actually matters. In fact, it’s in Indiana, the very center of where nothing happens.

Richard Yencer’s campaign for Yorktown, Indiana town council came to a crashing halt on Tuesday when, according to authorities, he hit an opponent with his car as the man was putting up signs at a polling site. Yencer then drove across a yard to escape. Police caught up with him later that day at another polling site. He’d been wanted for stealing political signs just a day before.

Also, he lost the election.

| Filed under Booze News, Scurry to the Capitol

Why you heard burps in the voting booth yesterday

The mid-term election campaign that ended yesterday was one of the most expensive in American history, and no one even cared about it. Just imagine how much worse it will be in two years! But the spending is nothing compared to what we spend on beer.

Some estimates have spending for this election as high as $3.67 billion on Congressional campaigning. That may sound like a lot, but it’s dwarfed by the $59.9 billion we came together as a drunken nation to spend on beer last year, according to the Bureau of Economic Analysis.

And that is why more political campaigns need to give out koozies.

| Filed under Scurry '16, What a Reach!

Perry: Not a king, so not guilty?

"Your honor, I ask you: would God bestow he divine right of kings upon a guy in Rachel Maddow glasses? The defense rests."
“Your honor, I ask you: would God bestow The Divine Right of Kings upon a guy in Rachel Maddow glasses? The defense rests.

Lawyers for Texas Gov. Rick Perry began court proceedings with an interesting argument to dismiss charges of abuse of power: he couldn’t have done it because he’s not a king or emperor.

A Texas Governor is not Augustus traversing his realm with a portable mint and an imperial treasure in tow; he no more has custody or possession of the State’s general revenue funds than does any Texan. No governor can say of his or her state what the Sun King said of France: ‘L’etat c’est moi.’

Case closed. If the crown does not fit, then you must acquit.

In other news, it looks like former King Robert and Queen Maureen McDonnell — first of their names — of Virginia will probably not eat much cake in prison for their abuses of power.