Category: Scurry (Politics)

| Posted in Headline of the Day, Scurry (Politics)

#freedom

The initiative, already active across Twitter, Facebook and YouTube, would look to branch out to other social media where jihadists were active. “What about Ask.fm? What about Instagram? What about Pinterest?”

You’d think that jihadists, if they’re really attempting to hide information from U.S. analysts, would take their online conversations to Friendster.

| Posted in Scurry to the Capitol, Sex Sells

Red meat for red members

This is J.D. J.D.'s doing well, very well indeed. That's because he noticed that  Boehner sounds a lot like "boner" and made a campaign out of it. Oh, and "something something Constitution."
This is J.D. J.D.’s doing well, very well indeed. That’s because he noticed that Boehner sounds a lot like “boner” and made a campaign out of it. Oh, and “something something Constitution.”

As has become tradition in red states since the 2008 election, House Speaker John Boehner faces a primary challenge this year from Tea Party candidates. What’s not so traditional is how stiff the competition has become for the top-ranking Republican in the federal government.

J.D. Winteregg, a high school teacher and suprisingly not a children’s book author pen name, is one of Speaker Boehner’s three primary challengers. And of those three, he’s the only one to run an ad that accuses the speaker of “electile dysfunction.”

‘Sometimes, when a politician has been in DC too long, it goes to his head and he just can’t seem to get the job done. Used on a daily basis, Winteregg in Congress will help you every time the moment is right to have your voice heard on the federal level.’

How do you know if you are experiencing E.D.? Symptoms may include “extreme skin discoloration,” smoking, golf, and the “inability to punch oneself out a wet paper bag or maintain a spine in the face of liberal opposition.”

The question remains, however, if Winteregg can keep it up until November. You’ll hear from us first if he doesn’t pull out early.

Penis.

| Posted in Scurry (Politics)

Rumsfeld gives the gift of outrage to all

Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld gave both conservative racists the dog whistle they crave and liberal concern bloggers the outrage they need by saying that “a trained ape” could handle Afghanistan better than President Obama.

Rumsfeld added that he oughta know because he closely observed the last trained ape on the job.
Rumsfeld added that he oughta know because he closely observed the last trained ape on the job.

Rumsfeld has a history of giving everyone what they want, whether it’s permission for soldiers to scrounge for their own vehicle armor or surprising prisoners of war with all the water they can drink in one pour.

| Posted in Headline of the Day, It Must Be Science!, Schadenfreude (TM), Scurry (Politics)

Is Fox News trying to tell us something?

"We just want Uncle Jerry to live long enough to ruin one more Thanksgiving with rants about the War on Christmas."
“We just want Uncle Jerry to live long enough to ruin one more Thanksgiving with rants about the gay agenda.”

Fox News is home to more anger and indignation than one yellow couch can contain, especially for a news channel. And with its early efforts at promoting the Tea Party, including the organization and promotion of several “FNC Tax Day Tea Parties” back in 2009, it’s clearly designed to help you get angry, too.

So, what’s with today’s report that your heart attack risk rises after angry outbursts? Sounds like somebody got some unskewed EKG results.

| Posted in Scurry (Politics)

Where’s your FSM now, conservative atheists!?

We guess it makes sense that CPAC, the annual Conservative Political Action Conference, would exclude gay conservative groups like the Log Cabin Republicans and GOProud. It’s easier outlaw or limit homosexual rights based on a child-like understanding of marriage and sex when said people aren’t around to refute it.

But, we were kind of surprised that they weren’t willing to allow atheist conservatives to participate. It doesn’t take belief in a higher power to be a dick to gay people and advocate austere economic measures.

Hell, Ayn Rand made an entire career out of both.
Hell, Ayn Rand made an entire career out of both.

Ooooh. So that’s what the Invisible Hand of the Free Market is: God.

| Posted in Scurry (Politics), War on Animals

Where the men are men and the dolphins are men

If you’re not rooting against Romania in the Winter Olympics already, you will be now. [Note to SeriouslyIntern: Check whether Romania is even competing in the Olympics so we don't look stupid.]

Romanian politician Remus Cernea is drumming up support for giving human rights to dolphins, which are not, in fact, humans. He apparently doesn’t care about being seen as a species traitor and has introduced a bill that would grant the enemy the same rights as we humans, just because they are allegedly intelligent.

Luckily, Cernea hasn’t found much support at tall. [Note to SeriouslyIntern: Come up with funny line tying this all back to vampires.]

| Posted in Booze News, Scurry (Politics)

Happy days are here again (in Virginia)

"This legislative session isn't over until I say it is!"
“This legislative session isn’t over until I say it is!”

Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe may have won in the narrowest, most inauspicious (as evidenced by the number of noses held when casting ballots) gubernatorial election in recent state history. But, damn if he doesn’t have a plan to improve bipartisanship in the state government.

And that plan? The Reagan-O’Neill Strategem: hate each others guts until 5, then come over to the governor’s mansion for some top shelf booze.

“To the discount hooch and Bud Light normally on tap at the mansion, the governor has added top-shelf liquor and microbrews at his own expense,” so that’s an improvement over his predecessor in two ways.

Gov. McAuliffe has dubbed the charm offense “Sixty parties in 60 days!” — the length of Virginia’s legislative session. The governor could not, however, rule out extending the session to include a late night trip to IHOP on Day 61.

| Posted in Scurry (Politics), What a Reach!

Politics is weird

Let’s be honest: The Guys don’t understand political campaign tactics. While we understand the need to promote yourself, attacking your opponent has always struck us as a move that makes you a lot less classy than you’d like to come across as. Especially if you’re displaying people that you don’t like (kind of) in the nude.

Also, while we’re no James Carvilles, I’m pretty sure that mixing your metaphors isn’t for the best:

‘It’s was a play on words,’ Mozena explains.’We are accountable to the government in so many ways, whether it’s the IRS, and now with our healthcare. I’m just asking them to bend over now and show us their finances.’

No one wants to see any council person’s finances. Or their tuchus.

| Posted in Booze News, Scurry (Politics)

Your drink of choice says a lot about your politics

Available on the SG Merch page any day now.
Available on the SG Merch page any day now.

The drink in your hand says a lot about you, provided it’s not beer. According to a new study, the type of liquor or wine you drink may not only tell about your political leanings, but how likely you are to vote.

National Media Planning and Placement released a chart of based on consumer data that connects how likely a drinker of a certain brand of wine or liquor is to vote, and how likely that drinker is to vote Democratic or Republican. Who’s ready for some fun observations about this fun, but mostly useless data?

  • Captain Morgan (spiced) is the drink of the moderate but unenthused, while Barardi drinkers are just as moderate, but more likely to stagger over to the polls.
  • People who are likely to vote seem to agree that wine is for them, but only freedom-hating left-wingers drink Smoking Loon, while conservatives sip Robert Mondavi as they reload their guns.
  • Conservative voters like whiskey, bourbon and scotch, while liberals like vodka and gin.
  • If you drink tequila, whether Democrat or Republican, your inability to stand makes it unlikely that you’re going to vote.
| Posted in Scurry to the Capitol, Sex Sells

Snapchat hires lobbyists to deliver very bad news to Congress’ members

"What do you mean those pictures of me 'going maverick' are still stored somewhere?"
“Now that I know those pictures still exist somewhere, I really regret not touching up my ‘career.’”

It was only a matter of time before Snapchat, the Internet’s number one site for exchanging pervy pictures would join forces with the U.S. Congress, the number one user of those services over the age of 18.

In the wake of a high-profile hacking that revealed personal data from users, the tech company has hired some hotshot lobbyists, including Heather Podesta*, to help promote Web security policies that would prevent such leaks in the future. Also, to probably explain to some of the older members on the Hill (heh) how hacking Snapchat could put a real wrinkle in their careers.

And by “their careers,” we mean their ball sacks. Wrinkles are still wrinkles.

*You can learn more about Heather “‘It Girl’ of Washington” Podesta at her Wikipedia page that she almost certainly did not write herself.