Rum barrel politics
Posted on August 20, 2010
Filed Under Pirates, Scurry to the Capitol | Leave a Comment |
It’s been nearly four years since we mentioned the Pirate party. Back then, it was mostly in Sweden. If you stop and think about it, they probably should have called it the Viking party. Regardless, there is a U.S. branch of the political movement, as we reported four years ago. (Just think, a Pirate president could have served a full term in that time.)
But now, for some reason, they’ve been spotted in Oregon for the first time in a while (video). In case you forgot, the party stands for a free, open internet and a great deal of rum. Sure, the Pirate party doesn’t seem to have websites as the state level, but if they did, that would just make it easier for the navy to hunt them down.
This fall, vote for swashbuckling. Vote Pirate.
Remember: Talk Like a Pirate Day is only a month away!
Written by Bryan McBournieThey want our tax dollars–and our brains
Posted on July 27, 2010
Filed Under Scurry (Politics), Zombies | Leave a Comment |
Our federal government is grossly inefficient and wastes immeasurable amounts of money every year. Even so, it shocked this blog that our hard-earned tax dollars are going toward the undead.
That’s right, the feds are sending checks to zombies. Well, they were anyway. President Barack Obama signed a bill recently that will cut improper Medicare payments and health benefits. Billions in Medicare checks had been sent to zombies, for all we know, they were using it to drain our government’s resources for their upcoming assault on society.
And if you’re wondering, zombie bites are no longer covered under Medicare.
Written by Bryan McBournieDumbasses don’t deny dumbass claim
Posted on July 26, 2010
Filed Under Facepalm, Scurry to the Capitol | Leave a Comment |
We’re not saying the Birthers are dumbasses, but Colorado GOP Senate candidate Ken Buck did.
Buck expressed frustration with the “dumbass” Birthers that keep showing up to his rallies and making the news. He told a Democrat operative that he wishes they would just shut the f@#k up, asking him or her to “tell those dumbasses at the Tea Party to stop asking questions about birth certificates while I’m on camera.”
Fortunately for Buck, the Birthers are a voting bloc that’s too stupid to be insulted.
9/12 Project Colorado Coalition leader, Lu Busse, only noticed that her candidate used some naughty language [emphasis ours]:
“‘He could have not called us a name,’ said Busse. ‘It would have been better to say, “Why do these people” and he shouldn’t have used a bad name, but I don’t see it as he meant anything personal to me or to the other people in the Tea Party movement.’”
What a dumbass.
Written by Rick SneeThe NTPF? Splitters!
Posted on July 19, 2010
Filed Under Scurry (Politics) | Leave a Comment |
When the NAACP challenged the Tea Partiers to denounce racism in their ranks, little did they know that it would be nearly impossible for a splintered group of cells, united only by their general crankiness, to do so when there is no true central authority. (Or did they?)
The National Tea Party Federation has expelled the Tea Party Express from its ranks over a blog post by Express organizer Mark Williams.
The Tea Party Express has countered its expulsion by calling the Federation a silly organization with no authority “to decide who can or cannot participate in a national grass-roots movement.”
So, just to keep track:
Written by Rick Snee
“The only people the Tea Party Express hates more than the liberals are the f@#king National Tea Party Federation.
“And the Tea Party Populist People’s Front.
“And the Tea Party Express.
“What? We’re the Tea Party Express?
“Oh. I thought we were the Populist Front.
“Whatever happened to the Populist Front, Reg?
“He’s over there? SPLITTER!”
Change that I can finally believe in
Posted on July 9, 2010
Filed Under Scurry (Politics) | 1 Comment |
Let’s get something straight here-I don’t care at all for theocracies. In my eyes and mind, nothing about them works. AT ALL.
And yet, I’m now looking at Iran in a new light. When you ban the mullet, that’s called making strides. Maybe they’re not so bad guys after all.
Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor‘Aloha, mahalo for all the fish’
Posted on June 22, 2010
Filed Under Scurry (Politics), War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
There are many foes to humanity in the War on Animals. Some are more obvious than others. While the hedgehog has quills that disperse the most virulent strain of AIDS in nature (citation pending), people still think they make cute pets.
But, there’s no question when it comes to sharks. It should go without saying that sharks are one of man’s oldest enemies. Why, if you open their stomachs, you’ll find SCUBA tanks inside. That’s right: they don’t even bother to outright eat humans, just take our air and leave us to drown.
So, why does Hawaii Governor Linda Lingle love sharks?
Written by Rick SneeWe don’t want your money, but we want YOUR money
Posted on June 16, 2010
Filed Under Scurry (Politics) | Leave a Comment |
Oh Bobby Jindal. Do you really think that the internet forgets anything? Like the 45, 000 dollars spent on in-city helicopter trips among a time-span of 4 months or the refusal of money going to your state for economic stimulus purposes?
After meeting with President Obama and other Gulf Coast leaders, Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal called for BP to approve a $457 million seafood safety program for the region. Jindal held his press conference in New Orlean’s Acme Oyster House in the French Quarter-a symbolic location chosen to remind Americans how integral local oysters, shrimp, and crawfish are to the region.
Surrounded by commercial fishermen, Jindal reminded the crowd that seafood is hugely important to the state’s financial health (and that of the region as a whole). In Louisiana alone, the impact on the economy is estimated at $2.3 billion. The proposed safety plan is essentially a 20-year initiative that calls for industry safeguards and repair the damage done to consumer confidence regarding seafood in local waters.
As public anger over BP’s perceived lack of action continues to mount, it’s a savvy time to request funds. Jindal said the $457 million represents “a fraction of what we would lose year after year after year” should BP decline to the request. It’s just a drop in the bucket of what the oil company is going to end up shelling out for this mess, but for PR value alone, the money could be well-spent.
Remember people, it’s only acceptable to take money from big organizations for state purposes when it’s an election year.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorMess with the goat, you get the horns
Posted on June 14, 2010
Filed Under Scurry to the Capitol, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
Life in the Washington, D.C. area is one that is many things, but is always one where the possibility of an attack is in the back of one’s mind. Last week, the nightmare came true.
There’s no easy way of saying this: the animals are attacking our leaders. A mohair goat was brought to D.C. as part of a protest against something or other (the protests all sort of blur for locals), and ended up jabbing Rep. Anthony Weiner, D-N.Y., in the hand with his horn, drawing blood. Let me repeat that: drawing blood.
This is no time to get all animal-rightsy, your country needs you. Imagine your home is invaded by a burglar, would you fight back? Now, what if that burglar was an animal? Exactly.
Written by Bryan McBournieIt’s not exactly what you call street cred though
Posted on June 8, 2010
Filed Under Scurry (Politics) | Leave a Comment |
It’s the worst nightmare of every famous person-there’s someone out there that looks like them, and they’re in something that they really shouldn’t be in.
The latest victim of this: President Obama. Just what is he purported to have been in? The music video for “Whoomp (There It Is)”. Yeah, it’s that bad.
Now, not all of our readers might know of this video. For our younger SeriouslyAudience, check out the video here. Don’t worry, we’ll wait for you.
All done? Good, now you can understand just how damaging a video like this can be to someone’s reputation (like you’ve never done or listened to anything ridiculously dumb as a youngster), and we’ll continue. Now, the person in question in the video is clearly not Obama, but actually his long-lost twin. Or his lost EVIL twin. Who is planning on secretly replacing him. Now the real Obama will have to partner with a ragtag group of misfits kicked out of the army for their unconventional take on the rules of warfare in order to stop him.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorTake it from Snee: Crackshot Commando
Posted on June 2, 2010
Filed Under Scurry to the Capitol, Take it from Snee | 1 Comment |
I don’t like to brag too much about my military record. For one thing, it’s not very conducive to my online comedy career. I want you to laugh with me, not laugh because–if there’s a way for a former Space Green Beret to reach through your monitor–I’ll thumb-gouge your eyes out.
But, with the recent attacks on Connecticut Democrat senatorial candidate Richard Blumenthal and U.S. Representative Mark Kirk (R.-Ill.) that call their military careers into question, I feel it is time to stand up with these brave men.
By “stand up,” I mean to tell my own story, which is so incredible that it can only prove their claims are no less preposterous. Read more
Written by Rick Snee keep looking »