Category: Scurry (Politics)

| Posted in Scurry '16, What a Reach!

Perry: Not a king, so not guilty?

"Your honor, I ask you: would God bestow he divine right of kings upon a guy in Rachel Maddow glasses? The defense rests."
“Your honor, I ask you: would God bestow The Divine Right of Kings upon a guy in Rachel Maddow glasses? The defense rests.

Lawyers for Texas Gov. Rick Perry began court proceedings with an interesting argument to dismiss charges of abuse of power: he couldn’t have done it because he’s not a king or emperor.

A Texas Governor is not Augustus traversing his realm with a portable mint and an imperial treasure in tow; he no more has custody or possession of the State’s general revenue funds than does any Texan. No governor can say of his or her state what the Sun King said of France: ‘L’etat c’est moi.’

Case closed. If the crown does not fit, then you must acquit.

In other news, it looks like former King Robert and Queen Maureen McDonnell — first of their names — of Virginia will probably not eat much cake in prison for their abuses of power.

| Posted in Scurry (Politics)

Nobody panic: 400 gnomes have gone missing

Austrian politics aren’t like American politics. They’re just not.

The country’s Socialist party put up garden gnomes that look like they want a fist bump around lamp posts ahead of elections in western Austria. These things also look to me about two and a half feet tall, just to add extra creepiness. And then, someone stole them.

A total of 400 gnomes, valued at $4,000 combined, have been stolen. Either that, or they came to live and walked away.

| Posted in Scurry (Politics)

‘You wanna see my plank?’

There’s a whole bunch of elections coming up for Congress this fall, but who cares? Let’s focus on the elections that matter.

There was a time when Times Square was a seedy place, a place you didn’t want to take your children because of unsavory characters. A candidate for the San Francisco board of supervisors worked to bring back those good old days this week. George Davis stripped naked in Times Square, which as far as we know, is not even on the same coast as San Francisco, to make a statement on the right to be nude in public.

Talk about your single-issue candidates.

| Posted in Scurry '16

Doctor Poo Blossom

Yes, we know who you are.
Yes, we know who you are.

Say what you will about Karl Rove … No, really. Go ahead. We’ll wait.

Anyway, say what you will about the man once known as “Turd Blossom” by the man whose desk featured a special phone that destroys the world, but he clearly watches Doctor Who.

How else would he come up with the “Don’t you think she looks tired?” method for destroying Hillary Clinton before she even announces her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election?

| Posted in Headline of the Day, Scurry (Politics)

#freedom

The initiative, already active across Twitter, Facebook and YouTube, would look to branch out to other social media where jihadists were active. “What about Ask.fm? What about Instagram? What about Pinterest?”

You’d think that jihadists, if they’re really attempting to hide information from U.S. analysts, would take their online conversations to Friendster.

| Posted in Scurry to the Capitol, Sex Sells

Red meat for red members

This is J.D. J.D.'s doing well, very well indeed. That's because he noticed that  Boehner sounds a lot like "boner" and made a campaign out of it. Oh, and "something something Constitution."
This is J.D. J.D.’s doing well, very well indeed. That’s because he noticed that Boehner sounds a lot like “boner” and made a campaign out of it. Oh, and “something something Constitution.”

As has become tradition in red states since the 2008 election, House Speaker John Boehner faces a primary challenge this year from Tea Party candidates. What’s not so traditional is how stiff the competition has become for the top-ranking Republican in the federal government.

J.D. Winteregg, a high school teacher and suprisingly not a children’s book author pen name, is one of Speaker Boehner’s three primary challengers. And of those three, he’s the only one to run an ad that accuses the speaker of “electile dysfunction.”

‘Sometimes, when a politician has been in DC too long, it goes to his head and he just can’t seem to get the job done. Used on a daily basis, Winteregg in Congress will help you every time the moment is right to have your voice heard on the federal level.’

How do you know if you are experiencing E.D.? Symptoms may include “extreme skin discoloration,” smoking, golf, and the “inability to punch oneself out a wet paper bag or maintain a spine in the face of liberal opposition.”

The question remains, however, if Winteregg can keep it up until November. You’ll hear from us first if he doesn’t pull out early.

Penis.

| Posted in Scurry (Politics)

Rumsfeld gives the gift of outrage to all

Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld gave both conservative racists the dog whistle they crave and liberal concern bloggers the outrage they need by saying that “a trained ape” could handle Afghanistan better than President Obama.

Rumsfeld added that he oughta know because he closely observed the last trained ape on the job.
Rumsfeld added that he oughta know because he closely observed the last trained ape on the job.

Rumsfeld has a history of giving everyone what they want, whether it’s permission for soldiers to scrounge for their own vehicle armor or surprising prisoners of war with all the water they can drink in one pour.

| Posted in Headline of the Day, It Must Be Science!, Schadenfreude (TM), Scurry (Politics)

Is Fox News trying to tell us something?

"We just want Uncle Jerry to live long enough to ruin one more Thanksgiving with rants about the War on Christmas."
“We just want Uncle Jerry to live long enough to ruin one more Thanksgiving with rants about the gay agenda.”

Fox News is home to more anger and indignation than one yellow couch can contain, especially for a news channel. And with its early efforts at promoting the Tea Party, including the organization and promotion of several “FNC Tax Day Tea Parties” back in 2009, it’s clearly designed to help you get angry, too.

So, what’s with today’s report that your heart attack risk rises after angry outbursts? Sounds like somebody got some unskewed EKG results.

| Posted in Scurry (Politics)

Where’s your FSM now, conservative atheists!?

We guess it makes sense that CPAC, the annual Conservative Political Action Conference, would exclude gay conservative groups like the Log Cabin Republicans and GOProud. It’s easier outlaw or limit homosexual rights based on a child-like understanding of marriage and sex when said people aren’t around to refute it.

But, we were kind of surprised that they weren’t willing to allow atheist conservatives to participate. It doesn’t take belief in a higher power to be a dick to gay people and advocate austere economic measures.

Hell, Ayn Rand made an entire career out of both.
Hell, Ayn Rand made an entire career out of both.

Ooooh. So that’s what the Invisible Hand of the Free Market is: God.

| Posted in Scurry (Politics), War on Animals

Where the men are men and the dolphins are men

If you’re not rooting against Romania in the Winter Olympics already, you will be now. [Note to SeriouslyIntern: Check whether Romania is even competing in the Olympics so we don't look stupid.]

Romanian politician Remus Cernea is drumming up support for giving human rights to dolphins, which are not, in fact, humans. He apparently doesn’t care about being seen as a species traitor and has introduced a bill that would grant the enemy the same rights as we humans, just because they are allegedly intelligent.

Luckily, Cernea hasn’t found much support at tall. [Note to SeriouslyIntern: Come up with funny line tying this all back to vampires.]