It’s only a crime when you’re not demonstrating it, right?

It’s Super Bowl time, which means we clearly don’t need to worry about anything that happens west of New Orleans, right? Wrong. Roxanne Rubin, ever-vigilant patriot that’s not a journalist at all, decided to do some undercover journalism and crack the lid open on voting fraud by proving it exists.

“But Guys,” you may say, “the election was November. That’s two, three months ago.” And we’ll nod our heads and simply ask to turn on the Keurig, break out a cup and keep reading. That cup of schadenfreude will soon be yours.

Rubin, in her steadfast passion, managed to prove something: voter fraud can be committed. She also proved that she could be arrested for committing voter fraud and found guilty in a court of law after copping a plea bargain. Remember, she’s not a journalist, not that the line “It’s okay, I’m an undercover journalist” tends to fly that well in a court of law.

Mmmm-mmm, smell that schadenfreude. Drink deep and enjoy, faithful reader.

White House ‘no-fly zone’ reinforced

"You've heard of Seal Team Six? This is Seal Hand Five."
“You’ve heard of SEAL Team Six? This is SEAL Hand Five.”

Some may question President Barack Obama’s resolve to take action on unemployment, end detainment at Guantanamo Bay or reform U.S. immigration policy. But there’s one policy he’s remained consistent on for both terms: there’s only one person allowed to be fly in the White House. (She’s the one rockin’ bangs.)

A fly attempted to derail the president’s nominations to head the Securities and Exchange Commission and the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau before even Republicans in the House and Senate got a chance to deny them. Obama was able to reinforce his no-fly zone with a warning swat.

During a televised interview in 2009, Obama authorized a hand strike on an insurgent fly, the first sitting president to do so against a domestic animal since Teddy Roosevelt slapped a bear for eating his son Quentin’s ice cream.

This should help silence critics who believe that the president is weak on the War on Animals, but it won’t.

Senator to take B-movie action hero role in real life

If you’ve ever wondered, we’ll reveal it to you: the political affiliation of SeriouslyGuys is quasidemoderepubliraptorjesucratic. That said, if we ever move to Florida (shudder), then we resolve to always vote for Bill Nelson.

Bill Nelson, senator for Florida, began the process for banning pythons. Not one to just sit back and wait for legislation to take place, Nelson will take a very literal part in hunting the snakes down.

In a world, come Saturday, the Florida Everglades will see a little more congressional action, when Senator Bill Nelson joins a scientist and conservation employee to hunt down pythons. The invasive constrictors are opposing bills and he’s the veto-er: of their life.

President Obama doesn’t like Empire people

Back in December, we gave you a heads up about how nerds made use of the White House’s petition website to ask for the construction of a Death Star. It seemed like such an outlandish idea that there’s no reason for President Obama’s administration to acknowledge it.

Wrong.

The White House has officially responded to the petition. Showing Obama’s rebel traits and fondness for the home planet of Jimmy Smits, Paul Shawcross, a science and space adviser, responded on the website that not only would the space station that’s not a moon would be too costly, but the creation of such would go against its stance on not supporting the blowing up of planets.

Also, there’s this:

a President who knows his way around a light saber and advanced (marshmallow) cannon

Nerds decide to use the dark side of the force and internet for their liking

Prepare to be shocked. We’ve finally encountered a group of individuals that like both the original Star Wars trilogy and the prequel trilogy. How can I make such a proclamation?

Because a group of people are petitioning the United States government to create the Death Star.

For those unaware, the prequel trilogy was full of government and politics…boring, boring, boring government and politics. Hey, just like our world! And the original trilogy was full of big planet-destroying satellites that weren’t moons (and some other stuff, maybe). Through the power of the petitions.whitehouse.gov site, a group of nerds concerned constituents have asked our government to fund the creation of the laser base by the year 2016. How will they do that, when we’re going through rough economic times?

We can only assume via tariffs and sanctions placed upon vaguely racist alien races.

NASA says feds still need fiscal solution after Dec. 21

When it comes to the Mayan-predicted apocalypse, all options — including financial ones — are on the table.

Despite what the Mayans say, Congress and the President cannot bank on the world ending on Dec. 21, 2012. This is a disappointment to both sides, who each planned on  delaying the approval of a compromise budget plan until the return of Bolon Yokte and the destruction of the world.

Because Republicans and Democrats defunded NASA, the nearly grounded space agency has more time to update their Web site. And according to their latest blog post (which is totally the same thing as being published):

Just as the calendar you have on your kitchen wall does not cease to exist after December 31, the Mayan calendar does not cease to exist on December 21, 2012. This date is the end of the Mayan long-count period but then — just as your calendar begins again on January 1 — another long-count period begins for the Mayan calendar.

So, get back to work on that grand compromise, feds. The Mayans aren’t letting you off easy, no matter what the Australian prime minister says.

Take it from Snee: Wherever Karl may rove

Rove invented duckface, and yet people still valued his opinion … until today.

The 2012 election was a learning experience for a lot of people. Some learned that you can’t “unskew” polls without, you know, actually conducting polls. Others learned that, while corporations may indeed meet some of the basic conditions of being people,* they still only get one vote, no matter how the CEO pays to get in on the action.

And then there’s Fox News, which finally learned that, unless you’re the weatherman, the news shouldn’t try to predict the future … Or at least that they shouldn’t pay Karl Rove and Dick Morris to try their hands at it anymore.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Wherever Karl may rove

A plan that can only secede

The whitehouse.gov petition site, “We the People” has received 22 petitions from citizens, each asking for their state’s permission to “peacefully … withdraw from the United States of America and create its own new government.” The site’s rules state that petitions receiving 25,000 signatures will be addressed by President Obama’s administration.

Louisiana resident “Michael E.” was the first to submit a petition the day after the 2012 election. The petition has received 16,000 signatures since. Meanwhile, Texas already has 26,000 signatures. In case you’re wondering, why, yes, most of the nuts submitting these polite requests to the “dictator-in-chief” are from former Confederate states.

So far, no governor or representative of a state government from these 22 states has endorsed the petitions, mostly because they’re busy lobbying for federal money for bridges, police departments and defense contracts.

Dead politicians tell no tales

Depending on who you ask, American voters elected the wrong people on Tuesday. But, we can all agree that it’s a mistake to elect zombies to higher office, which is exactly what voters in Alabama and Florida did.

Florida elected Democrat incumbent and wormgarden Earl K. Wood as Orange County Tax Collector in Orlando, and Alabama elected Republican challenger and body temperature-impaired Charles Beasley to the Bibb County Commission. Both candidates died weeks before Nov. 6, yet voters did not notice a change in their dead, vacant eyes and funereal, moaning campaign promises.

Way to go, democracy. Get ready for new bills where doctors are replaced with chefs and more brains handouts to the unresuscitable.