Category: Scurry (Politics)

Happiness is a warm gun

Rudy Giuliani is going out of his way to prove he’s, as Chris Rock would say, a mammal that breathes air and drink water. He took a call from his wife mid-press conference, ending with, “Goodbye, sweetheart, I love you.”

To prove the validity of his presidential bid further, he also suggested “[MoveOn.org] should face some sort of sanction” for their “General Betray Us” ad. The reasoning?

“We are at war right now, whether some people want to recognize it or not.”

So his Constitutional record for the conference? 1-1: the Second Amendment got its due, but the First Amendment still awards too much leniency to “American political organizations.”

Flog all those who complain

In case ye didn’t hear by now, a college student in Florida was asking Sen. John Kerry a question at a student forum when he was arrested by campus police for goin’ o’er his time limit and refusin’ to put down his microphone.

This blog would like to say it is all for the taserin’ o’ people for whatever reason. But we’d rather he taste the lashes from the cat o’ nine tails. Those who can’t obey orders will be punished and kept from the rum.

Since this is a political story, this would ordinarily be a Scurry to the White House ’04, but today it’s Scurvy to the White House ’04.

Rambo he ain’t

Rudy Giuliani has broken the ultimate taboo of coolness: giving himself a nickname. He’s dubbed himself “liberals’ ‘worst nightmare.'”

Since he doesn’t elaborate at all as to how he’s a nightmare, much less of the worst variety, this blog can only surmise what he means. We figure his platform will shift to:

  • Installing those “you must be this tall” signs at all hospitals for admitance. (They’ll only be in English, of course.)
  • Invading five other countries in the Middle East … you know, for kicks.
  • Adding the ACLU to the terror group watchlist.
  • Extending the death penalty to flag-burners and those who “support the troops, but not the war.”
  • Dismantling alternative energy plants to make room for more oil refineries.
  • Declaring the Baptist faith as the official religion of the United States.

And if he doesn’t, then we’re revoking the nickname.

To abort or not to abort

Mitt Romney is having trouble deciding whether he is for or against killing babies:

I was prochoice. I am prolife. I never said I was prochoice, but my position was effectively prochoice. I’ve changed my position,” [Romney] said.

Let’s help him figure this out. Copy the following text to paste here:

Governor Romney:

You seemed to have trouble yesterday figuring out whether you are pro-life or pro-choice. As a service to your campaign, religious faith, and personal decision-making abilities, I will now state the obvious so you can shut the hell up and pick one.

When you are running for governor of Massachussetts, you are pro-choice because New England witches loves them some fried baby.

When you are running for President of the United States, you are pro-life, because nothing is more American than orphans working their way up from rags to riches.

And when you are done being an a–hole, you’re a politician, so quit pretending it was a mistake.

Sincerely,

[Your name here]
A SeriouslyGuys Reader

Getting tired of the race

Someone you know may be suffering from a debilitating disease that is now becoming rampant across the U.S. Symptoms include depressing, drooling and apathy. The disease’s name: campaign fatigue.

That’s right. Americans are all at risk for campaign fatigue because the 2008 presidential campaigns will be going on for a longer period than ever before. That’s why we here at SG will be happy to provide you with the hard-hitting, nonsensical coverage of the race with our ongoing series Scurry to the White House 2008.

Live from D.C., it’s Saturday night

Al Franken, most famous for his time on Saturday Night Live and then writing a series of books closer to politics than comedy, has formally announced he is running for U.S. Senate from his home state of Minnesota.

This blog predicts Jimmy Fallon will be the next former SNL cast member to announce candidacy–that is of course if he can get through a speech without cracking himself up.