McCain couldn’t even make it to 2012 before ‘confusion’

News Flash! from The Guys’ “Holy Crap, Did We Dodge A Bullet There” Department: Former Presidential candidate, suspected carnival pirate ghost and Sen. John McCain cannot fathom why people would be upset that he blamed a wildfire on illegal immigrants. Though McCain claimed to hear this from a forest service officer, the U.S. Forest Service says there is no evidence of this claim whatsover.

McCain then said, presumably sleepily, that he meant “that other fire. You know, the one started by the beaners …. What? You can’t say ‘beaners’ anymore? But that’s what Carlos Mencia says, and he’s a, er, Latin.”

Politics: The only professional field for 12-year-olds

Lookit Sarah, all trying to upstage Cindy with that bigger flag pin.You may have noticed that this post is filed under Scury ’08. That’s because this story reaches back that far.

You see, Todd S. Purdum wrote a piece on Sarah Palin’s vice presidential candidacy in the August 2009 Vanity Fair. He focused on insider sources about Palin’s political history, including anonymous sources from within the McCain campaign team, about what vapid, attention-whoring rednecks Palin, her family and close associates are.

Well, then Politico told us that Bill Kristol, editor of The Weekly Standard (of which it generally falls short) said he knew which aide it was that gave those quotes: Steve Schmidt.

No, not Steve Schmidt from North High who totally cheated on Becky Corngrave with that slut, Becky Rivers–or what we call “The Beckies Incident.” Steve Schmidt, McCain’s campaign manager.

Anyway, Schmidt was all like, “Who said that, Billy Kristol? Didn’t he tardhang with Dan Quayle? McCain’s my bro; I’d never say that. It was Randy Scheunemann.”

That’s right, the same Randy Scheunemann that left summer camp early, saying he had strep, when really it was because he was too stupid to pack any underwear and you could totally see his balls in his shorts. Anyway, he was McCain’s foreign policy adviser and Kristol’s renowned BFF.

Well, when Kristol heard Schmidt made fun of Scheunemann, he called Schmidt out on it, saying he’s a dick and pretended to be friends with Palin at first because she was cool when she was new, and then backstabbed her.

So, Schmidt said he and this hacker friend of his were looking through all the campaign email systems and found a link from “a very senior member to Bill Kristol.”

Scheuenemann confirmed his email had been hacked and called Schmidt “a f%#king Nazi.”

And then, “Schmidt suggested that Scheunemann had fingered Nicole Wallace.” Ew. I know, right?! He’s such a tool!

Oh, but Wallace swears up and down that she didn’t call Palin a diva. Her steady husband, Mark, says the same thing, but Scheunemann says Mark should know “something about divas because he’s [totally] married to a diva.”

So, as you can see, politics is a very serious business, without which our entire nation would fall apart.

Sorry, GOP

The Guys would like to apologize to the GOP for our recent vacation for Christmas. (Except Schools, who is a practicing Zoroastrian.) We didn’t know that our five days away from the Internet (two of which were our normal weekend) would leave you so desperate for comedy.

Indeed, Chip Saltzman thought he would bring the Republican party some yucks — and boost his own bid for party president —  with a CD collection of lame political song parodies called We Hate the USA.

Good News: The party didn’t wedgie him for the lamest form of political comedy since your mom discovered spam email.

Bad News: The party was forced to issue apologies en masse for the type of joke they normally let Rush Limbaugh tell for them while remaining an “independent.”

The offending song that made Republicans choke on their brandy and cigars? “Barack the Magic Negro,” a sendup of President-elect Obama’s electable qualities to the tune of “Puff the Magic Dragon.”

So, once again, we apologize, GOP for leaving you high and dry. We can’t promise to not go away on vacation again, but you could just browse our archives.

President-elect Obama: Bailing out thirsty reporters

We found out during the campaign that the man who now is going to be our next president (how’s THAT for some fun grammar?) is not a bad guy to have at a bar. However, we now know he’s way cooler than we ever expected. Better yet, he knows journalists.

While on vacation in Hawaii, President-elect Barack Obama ran into some journalists at a snack bar while he was golfing. In an effort to shoo them away, he suggested they go to the bar and drink. Then he said he’d buy them a round if they went up to the bar (called the 19th hole on golf courses) and drank.

This shows amazing perception on Obama’s part, because (ethics be damned!) if there’s one thing more tempting to a reporter than alcohol, it’s free alcohol. And if there’s one thing more tempting than free alcohol, it’s a challenge to drink that free alcohol.

Yet, some namby pamby CNN reporter named Ed Henry, had to go and sound like our current teetotaler president.

“And just for the record: your faithful correspondent, while enjoying the wonders of Waikiki beach, never drinks — at least not on the job.”

Henry, you are a disgrace to your profession.

We’re angry at Barack Obama

So, Mr. President-elect Barack FancyPants Obama: you announced there would be 20 positions in your cabinet. You’ve disappointed women because you only appointed five of those seats to women, the same number as Bush and Clinton had in their cabinets.

But, more egregiously, you appointed no (0) SeriouslyGuys to your cabinet, which is also the same number as Bush and Clinton had in their cabinets.

It’s not like we aren’t qualified or didn’t apply.

All we hoped (remember that word?) for was to take this country a step forward. Instead, you’ve taken shocking steps backwards. We guess our constituency does not matter to you.

So which is the one giving us hope?

According to the Bible, some time after Jesus Christ was born, three kings came to offer stuff that was shiny and smelled nice. Because of this, Christians set up there own nativity scenes (even though Jesus always looks Eastern European) and one of the three wise men figures is always black.

No one is really sure why there is one black king, but that’s how it’s always been. This year in Naples, it’s U.S. President-elect Barack Obama who is bringing the frankincense to the baby Jesus, joined of course by his wife Michelle. This means that Obama not only one the presidency, but somehow he also unseated Anonymous Sub-Saharan King for the gift giving.

See, conspiracy theorists? Obama isn’t a secret Muslim, he’s one of the first Christians!

The McBournie Minute: Honestly, who throws shoes anymore?

We are now in the waning days of the Bush administration and it appears no one is happier about that than President George Bush himself. He’s been taking time to dance with children, crack jokes in a less-smug manner and even visit some of the places he bombed one last time.

Yet, not everyone wants to play along with Nostalgia Fest 2008: Oh, The Places We Went. In fact, some places didn’t like their visitor a good measure more than they dislike the average tourist. Bush was speaking at a press conference with Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki when an Iraqi journalist yelled at him and threw both his shoes at him. (Video of the disturbing attack here.)

This is yet another example of the liberal media. They throw shoes at Bush and shout insults at him when they should be taking notes and asking questions in an unbiased manner. Instead, they let their personal, left-wing convictions get in the way, and once again, professionalism takes a back seat. And don’t think that’s not a huge insult he was throwing at our president. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find shoes in Iraq, much less good ones? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Honestly, who throws shoes anymore?

Look out, Bill O!

Yes, Campbell Brown on Fox News rival CNN wants President-elect Barack Obama to reveal everything he hasn’t said about disgraced Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. (If you bet your friends that we copied and pasted that last name, collect your complimentary back rub.)

She took the president-elect to task on her new No Bias, No Bull show, which is obviously not a poor man’s respinning of the “No Spin Zone,” alleging that he did not say enough about not knowing that G-Rod was allegedly asking for bribes.

Brown also noted that investigating U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald said on record that Obama was not involved in the crime in any way.

So, if Obama’s innocent of all wrongdoing, then what is he hiding? Good question, Ms. Brown.

Don’t forget to wage your completely original War on Easter, read today’s “Speaking Points Memo” and hock your holiday goods at the online Brown Element store.

Schadenfreude the Pick-Me-Up

Wednesday. Hump Day.

It’s the middle of the week, which means you’re halfway through work, but you still have a whole half week of work in front of you.

Mornings like this need a steamy cup of Schadenfreude to send you screaming like a Viking berserker into the office for three more days, charging through expense reports or pouring mounds of sawdust on that kid’s puke.

(Schadenfreude is perfect for any economic class.)

Or perhaps you’re an almost-forgotten living campaign slogan that annoyed America for a whole month, contributing to the loss of your candidate. Now that the election’s over, you might try anything to get the country’s attention again, like trying to distance yourself from that loser.

Of course that’s not you. Nobody wants to be Joe the Plumber. (He should probably get back to work, you know, in plumbing, like a good taxpaying American.)

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.