Category: Scurry ’08

Some ‘Obama’ person calling elected officials

Is someone following you? Do you feel like you are being watched? Do you get repeated friend requests on Facebook from people you don’t know? Is someone harassing you over the phone? If so, you may have a stalker.

No one knows that better than Rep. Illena Ros-Lehtinen (R-Fla.), who keeps getting prank phone calls from someone named Barack Obama, claiming he is the president-elect. Ros-Lehtinen received a call from her stalker yesterday. He claimed he just wanted to talk, but she hung up on him. The man, his feelings having been hurt by the one he was reaching out to, had his buddy call her instead.

It was Rep. Rham Emanuel (D-Ill.), someone she knows from work. He claimed that Obama was the president-elect and really wanted to talk to her. Ros-Lehtinen was not going to have her feelings manipulated by a mutual acquaintance, so she hung up on him, too. Besides, he was delusional as well, claiming he was going to be Obama’s chief of staff.

Since the frightening incident, Ros-Lehtinen has not posted anything on her Web site. There are no statements, press releases or blog entries about the incident. This blog is pleased to see that, because recognition would only encourage the stalker, whoever this “Obama” guy is.

If someone is stalking you, please, contact the authorities.

Take it from Snee: I’m thankful

Every year, Americans do what we do best: sit around a table to observe a once-meaningful holiday because we’d look funny if we didn’t.

Me: Hey, Ted from Accounting. Big four day weekend, eh?

Ted from Accounting: Yep, gonna eat turkey with the family and watch some football. You?

Me: Oh, I’m going to Aruba for the long weekend to collect orgasms.

TfA: Well, that makes too much sense. Freak.

Thanksgiving, like every other U.S.-observed holiday, has auspicious, yet bullsh-t, origins. But if you boil that bathwater past the paper headdresses, you find a story that doesn’t matter anymore today: a group of proto-Americans are starving to death, yet finally scrape up enough farming to survive … until winter starts in earnest.

They’re thankful for managing with what they’ve got to enjoy each others’ presence, which ironically helps spread the cholera.

We don’t have that problem anymore. Even if we catch childhood leukemia, we still get an awesome last wish. (That’s only because Leonard Nimoy can’t catch leukemia from his Make-A-Wish cancer kid.) And we don’t really enjoy each others’ company. If it weren’t for Thanksgiving, entire families would never see each other except to marry or bury someone.

And we definitely aren’t just scraping by. Outside of a certain percentage of poor people, the modern Thanksgiving is a modern festival of consumer distractions. The table is full of food that will go uneaten, and those who attempt to finish it off will slip into a gluttony coma on the leather sofa. This happens while everyone watches a parade full of cartoon characters selling toys, the latests must-see TV stars and the pirate of plastic productions, Santa himself. Then there’s football, which features players goosed up on the latest pharmaceuticals beating Vegas odds so the owner can sell more ball caps to guys trying to find cool new ways to cover up bald spots.

Even the idea of a feast in today’s America is ridiculous. The idea of a feast is to celebrate having plenty when you normally have little. Seen those obesity numbers lately?

So, with all that in mind, here’s my list of the things that I am thankful for this year: Continue reading Take it from Snee: I’m thankful

You Missed It: Who would Jesus endorse? edition

We meet again, dear reader. Did you make it through the work week? Well, technically you haven’t yet. There are still several more hours left before you are free. You must continue to sit in your chair at your desk and watch as the seconds slowly … tick… by.

But wait! Here’s an idea: what if we provided some sort of reading material for you in hopes of getting you through this rough patch. Until then, this will have to do. If you were busy baptizing the dead Jews, odds are you missed it.

My name is Jesus Christ, and I approve this message
In Greenville, North Carolina, a Catholic priest is calling a vote for Obama a mortal sin. Rev. Jay Scott Newman is denying communion to any parishioners who voted for Obama in the recent election because he is a pro-choice candidate. Before he could answer questions about Joe Biden becoming the first Catholic vice president, the priest shooed everyone away because it was time for him to show the altar boys how to take a poll.

It’s only called a bailout if the ship is sinking
President George Bush and President-elect Barack Obama met this week to discuss things like the transition, the war on terrorism, the economy and the art of posing for a photo-op. Obama also pushed for a bailout of the U.S. auto industry, because GM is teetering and Ford and Chrysler are bleeding money like the slowest in the herd when the lions are on the hunt. They did not seem to agree on this issue. So it is our sage advice that you invest in imported car companies.

To the Williams-mobile, Robin!
Former Washington, D.C. Mayor Anthony Williams has only been out of office for less than a year. However, he has not given up serving the city. This week Williams, 57, was walking to his office when he saw someone grab a package containing computer parts from a UPS truck. The delivery man yelled at him. Wasting no time, Williams sprinted after the man shouting at him. When the thief saw it was the former mayor, he handed over the box and ran off. Yes, that is a true story.

(Image by Michael Ian Weinfield via ANIMAL)

Eyeing that bailout, eh?

Change is coming. New president, new drapes for the Oval Office, new tone for the presidency, and now, a new presidential limo is on its way!

Except, it’s not really a limo so much as a truck. Sort of.

GM is currently working on the new vehicle for the new Prez-elect. “Cadillac One” will be based off of the GMC Topkick, which you may remember as Ironhide from Transformers. Will this create an ethical problem that may allow GM to get a federal bailout a la AIG? Possibly, but who cares about that issue. More importantly, will this cause the Democratic party to land the all too critical sentient alien robots vote in 2012? Inquiring minds want to know.

How To: Joke about the new president

Comedians are worried about their trade now that George Bush’s presidency is almost over. It’s been an easy eight years, minus that brief period in late 2001-2002 when we depended on him as an illiterate father-figure.

In fact, things have been so bad for Bush and the gang that Republicans are complaining that we made too much fun of him, ruining their dreams of pop-up history books.

But enough about those oversensitive, feelings-oriented, fairness-mongering crybabies. We’ve got a real issue on our hands: how do we make fun of the guy who’s supposed to save America, especially one who’s … um, diverse?

Did any of you voters think about us? Humorists have husbands, wives and children to publicly belittle; we can’t pay for that unless we do political jokes, too. This is why The Guys held an emergency post-election meeting to determine how to joke about the new president. Continue reading How To: Joke about the new president

What about one with a fainting disorder?

In his election night speech, President-elect Barack Obama said that he would keep his promise to his daughters that if he won the presidency, he would get them a dog. (And if he lost, sorry girls! Daddy’s only a senator and can’t afford such frills!)

We saw last week how presidential dogs can be a threat to our First Amendment rights. Even so, the press has been in a tizzy about what kind of breed the family will get when it moves into the White House. Here at SG, we hope it’s the type of breed that doesn’t have its own online Christmas special every year, but the people of Peru have a suggestion of their own.

They want the Obamas to adopt their national dog. The dog is from Peru and it is hairless, but still it has the misleading name Peruvian Hairless Dog. The breed was given to Inca kings and is apparently great for kids with allergies, like Malia Obama, 10. The one good thing about it is that it doesn’t have teeth, so journalists would be safe.

What are YOU still doing here?

Like excited children on Christmas morning, the American people rushed into the Oval Office to find …

… George Bush still in it, probably doing a puzzle or something.

Disappointed, they promptly awarded him the all-time record of highest presidential disapproval rating of 76 percent for not being Obama.

This rates higher than even Richard Nixon’s 66 percent when he resigned from office because of Watergate. To be fair — he was hated by hippies, who can’t remember to stay angry at anyone.

He also beat out former record holder Harry S. Truman, who was despised by 67 percent of Americans in 1952 for forcing five-star General Douglas MacArthur to retire.

Bush’s ratings are expected to sink lower and lower each day he refuses to morph into President-elect Barack Obama. By January 19, 2009, it’ll be amazing if he hasn’t started wearing a mask.

Update (2:58 pm):

President Bush has attempted a new way to improve his rating: be seen with the cool new kid with the weird name. Hey, it worked in Ensino Man.

You Missed It: Matching shoes and purse edition

This has been an incredibly busy week for yours truly. It has been marked with (like you care) endless meetings followed by excuses to drink during the week. There was also probably something really important that happened, but I can’t remember what it was. Whatever. If you were busy debuting a “hologram” this week, odds are you missed it.

Vote for change–of clothing
I have now remember what I had forgotten. There was a really important election made on Tuesday, a record turnout of voters have begun what is already being hailed as the element of change that has been needed for so long. It was a first for the country, and could signal a dramatic shift in how the U.S. perceives its leaders. Stu Rasmussen was elected mayor of Silverton, Oregon, becoming the first transgender mayor in the country. Naturally, speculation has now turned as to what sort of a dress he will wear to the inaugural ball.

Spitzer skates on criminal charges
Former New York Gov. and connoisseur of women Eliot Spitzer will not face criminal charges, for his patronage in a prostitution ring earlier this year. The U.S. Department of Justice said there was not enough evidence to support claims that Spitzer had monetarily been involved in transporting prostitutes across state lines, which is a violation of the–yes, this is real–Mann Act. After hearing the news, Spitzer said he was really sleepy and was going to head back to his hotel for a nap.

Hey big boy, bring that walker over here
A study announced this week in the New England Journal of Medicine suggests that a testosterone patch could revive postmenopausal women’s sex drive. This is being hailed as great news for old men, who can now finally put those Viagra and Cialis pills to good use. The down side is that aging, postmenopausal women sporting recently-grown fu manchus are not deemed as sexually attractive by most septogenerians.

The War on Journalism

The occupation of journalist is one of the most hated in the country, it’s right up there with lawyers, doctors and Paul Walker. But in times of tragedy, we as Americans always find a way to come together and make it through. This blog has some sad news of which to inform you: a reporter was viciously attacked by one of President Bush’s ruthless dogs.

We have always said that pets are OK to keep, as long as they know their place and you have the proper means to humiliate your pet. Clearly, the Bush administration has been lacking with its pets, the Unholy Trio better known as Barney, Miss Beazley and Willie.

Barney, a Scottish terrier, bit an MSNBC reporter on the White House grounds this week, a clear example of abuse of power. The Bush family has put its pets up on a pedistal, even giving them their own random and creepy holiday short films every year. Little did we know the mongrels were enjoying living so luxuriously while waiting to lash out at whomever they wanted to.

In accordance with his stance on crime, Bush has said Barney will be put down via bullet on live television as an example to all other pets out there. We say to the Obamas: please, please don’t get your daughters that dog you promised.

UPDATE: Video footage of the brutal attack can be found here.

Take it from Snee: What this election really means

It is the dawn of a new day, a Wednesday, here in America, now that we have managed to elect a President for the 44th time in our history.

There were some among you who doubted it would happen — that the votes would be inconclusive because everyone voted for themselves. I am happy to say that this was not the case, and the nation will continue to have an executive branch for the next four years … despite everything that branch has done the past eight.

Of course, there are also some people who are trying to assign more meaning to this auspicious occasion than I’ve already mentioned above. They mean well, but — like most people who mean well — they are wrong. Continue reading Take it from Snee: What this election really means