Category: Scurry ’12

| Filed under Scurry '12, Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: Wherever Karl may rove

Rove invented duckface, and yet people still valued his opinion … until today.

The 2012 election was a learning experience for a lot of people. Some learned that you can’t “unskew” polls without, you know, actually conducting polls. Others learned that, while corporations may indeed meet some of the basic conditions of being people,* they still only get one vote, no matter how the CEO pays to get in on the action.

And then there’s Fox News, which finally learned that, unless you’re the weatherman, the news shouldn’t try to predict the future … Or at least that they shouldn’t pay Karl Rove and Dick Morris to try their hands at it anymore.  Continue reading

| Filed under Facepalm, Scurry '12

A plan that can only secede

The whitehouse.gov petition site, “We the People” has received 22 petitions from citizens, each asking for their state’s permission to “peacefully … withdraw from the United States of America and create its own new government.” The site’s rules state that petitions receiving 25,000 signatures will be addressed by President Obama’s administration.

Louisiana resident “Michael E.” was the first to submit a petition the day after the 2012 election. The petition has received 16,000 signatures since. Meanwhile, Texas already has 26,000 signatures. In case you’re wondering, why, yes, most of the nuts submitting these polite requests to the “dictator-in-chief” are from former Confederate states.

So far, no governor or representative of a state government from these 22 states has endorsed the petitions, mostly because they’re busy lobbying for federal money for bridges, police departments and defense contracts.

| Filed under He's Dead, Jim, Scurry '12, Zombies

Dead politicians tell no tales

Depending on who you ask, American voters elected the wrong people on Tuesday. But, we can all agree that it’s a mistake to elect zombies to higher office, which is exactly what voters in Alabama and Florida did.

Florida elected Democrat incumbent and wormgarden Earl K. Wood as Orange County Tax Collector in Orlando, and Alabama elected Republican challenger and body temperature-impaired Charles Beasley to the Bibb County Commission. Both candidates died weeks before Nov. 6, yet voters did not notice a change in their dead, vacant eyes and funereal, moaning campaign promises.

Way to go, democracy. Get ready for new bills where doctors are replaced with chefs and more brains handouts to the unresuscitable.

| Filed under Scurry '12, Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: What has the electorate done?!

You know, I thought your average American voter was a reasonably bright, discerning individual. Someone who can learn from past mistakes, and not elect the same failure. It appears I was wrong. America, how could you be so stupid? How could you re-elect Bill Pullman as President of the United States?  Continue reading

| Filed under Booze News, Scurry '12

Booze the vote

Today, you can do many things with your vote. As an informed, 18 year old or older, voting citizen, you have more power in your hand than you know. There is so very much you can do with your vote.

But if you’re in South Carolina or Kentucky, what you can’t do is vote and drink.

Do you live in either state? Are you thinking of visiting either state sometime today? We hope you got that booze yesterday. Both states have outlawed the selling (but not necessarily the consumption) of alcohol on Election Day, whether by restaurant or liquor stores.

Meanwhile, DISCUS, the Distilled Spirits Council of the United States (which I much prefer over calling them DISCUS), isn’t too keen on such laws. We feel the same way. Nothing eases voting in the losing guy or celebrating the right vote like a shot of the spirits.

| Filed under Scurry '12, Scurry to the Capitol

Who would Marcia Brady endorse?

U.S. Rep. Don Young, R-Alaska, is in a real pickle. He just accidentally said yes to endorsing two Senate candidates in the same race!

You see, during Hawaii’s U.S. Senate primary, he endorsed Democrat Rep. Mazie Hirono. But, that was only because he didn’t think Linda Lingle, the former Republican governor of Hawaii, would ask him. Don’s a Republican, so it only makes sense to go with Linda, who could very well turn out to be his conservative soulmate. Imagine the bills they’d frame together!

But, he made a promise when he said he’d endorse his Congressional partner, Mazie, to the U.S. Senate, and you can’t break a promise.  Plus, she already bragged to all of her friends in a campaign video that he’s taking her! If only there were a way to let her down easy, maybe by finding a friend to endorse her in his place? Stupid election laws stating that only one candidate can win each senate race.

This is exactly why we almost didn’t let Hawaii and Alaska into the union in 1959. They’re just too immature to get the hang of electoral dating etiquette.

| Filed under Scurry '12, Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: Explaining the U.S. Electoral College to foreigners, children

So, you’ve learned about our branches of government and the positions in each one. You’ve learned about both of our political parties and all the pity parties people vote for when their candidate doesn’t get nominated. You’ve even learned how to practice democracy, so now it’s time to vote for the President of the United States in less than a month, right?

Eh … sort of.

Our electoral system, like the rest of our government as we know it today, was established in about two crazy months in secret back in 1787. Let’s just say that, in order to evade the Articles of Confederation and get all the states to agree in writing, some fast and heady compromises were made. The Electoral College, which is what you’re really voting for, is one of them.

Confused? Don’t worry. Even most seasoned citizens don’t quite understand how it works, making this the most requested “Explaining … to Foreigners and Children” guide I’ve never wanted to write. Nevertheless, here is the Electoral College.  Continue reading

| Filed under Scurry '12

Justice is serious business in Ohio

Ohio’s importance is increasing with every day that we get closer to Election Day. It’s a swing state, and everyone in Ohio thinks they are really important every election, (how adorable!), so it’s clear that the state Elections Commission has some serious matters before it right now. Matters like whether a county prosecutor put her panties on a judge’s desk.

Hocking County Prosecutor Laina Fetherolf denies a story that has been going around out her, started by a rival lawyer, she believes, regarding her panties. The story goes that she was wearing dark colored panties and a light colored dress, making it a little distracting in the courtroom. So she went into the men’s room, took them off, and put them before the judge, saying, “Problem solved.”

Fetherolf asked the Elections Commission to force the man to retract his story, but the board ruled that there wasn’t direct evidence that he had said anything in the first place.

Judge Wallace was restrained about details, but he agreed with the prosecutor: “No panties have ever been placed on my bench by anyone, including her.”

 

| Filed under Alabama is Trying to Kill Me, Scurry '12

Republican Alabamians go full-Mormon for Romney

Knowing their state is a lock for Mitt Romney in the 2012 presidential election, members of the Alabama Republican Party have gone full-Mormon. Their new initiative, Alabama’s Battleground Patriots, will send volunteers door-to-door in swing states, including Florida, North Carolina, Ohio and — oh, good lord — Virginia to spread the good word about voting for Romney.

So, it looks like certain Guys who thought they left this malarkey behind when they moved from Alabama to Virginia will be keeping their lights off and remaining as quiet as possible.

| Filed under Scurry '12, The McBournie Minute

The McBournie Minute: The cure for political fever

For months, a epidemic has been sweeping across the country. It’s all you see on television, it’s all you read about online. It’s everywhere you go, and some people have it worse than others. What is this terrible disease? Electionitis.

Chances are you know someone with electionitis. It affects men and women of all ages and races, but luckily, it’s been held within U.S. borders. The stricken are easily identified by wearing T-shirts or pins supporting their favorite candidate, even their cars are decked out in the logos of their campaign of choice. Those who have the worst cases seem to be able to steer every conversation into What’s Wrong With America These Days, a leading cause of electionitis.

Let’s walk through some of the basic facts about this illness, to make sure you and your loved ones avoid infection. Continue reading