Category: Scurry ’12

Santorum reminds swing voters he’s Republican

Former Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum delivered a speech at the Values Voters Summit in Washington, DC on Saturday. He made sure to remind potential swing voters that, despite the Gov. Romney’s economics-only campaign, Rick Santorum is also one of the faces of the Republican party, and without his pet issues, there is no conservative movement.

And just in case some of you “economic conservatives and libertarian types” disagree, Santorum called you out specifically. Like that girl you forgot to call back, he wanted you to remember that it took Bible-thumping, praying-the-gay-away conservatives like Santorum to deliver the 2000, 2004 and 2010 elections to Republicans.

Santorum promised he will continue to do as much as he can to make sure the GOP remains the party that “will never have the elite, smart people on our side,” by dancing loudly and furiously in the limelight.

Also appearing was Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer, who reminded the country that the most important imaginary issues are still

“calling a Christmas tree a Christmas tree. [Also:] not being afraid to salute the flag, wear a flag pin, say the Pledge of Allegiance, and sing the National Anthem, unashamed, with a tear in our eye.”

You can blame the media, which Santorum did, but the The New York Times didn’t elect these guys to office.

Romney Roach wins!

We use “Scurry to the White House”  as a topic as our own way of making fun of the jazzed-up verbs media outlets use to make their election coverage sound more exciting. But this time, it fits.

If Madagascar hissing cockroaches are any indication, Mitt Romney will win the election this fall. And I think we all know about the psychic powers of these giant bugs. The New Jersey Pest Management Association hosted a race between two roaches, one with Romney’s likeness taped to it, the other with Barack Obama’s, because if you think roaches, you definitely think of New Jersey.

Romney Roach won the race, mostly because Obama Roach seemed confused early on. The Obama roach was under heavy security because, and this is true, people in the right-swinging crowd had threatened to stomp on it before the race.

The walkers are going for the White House

They may not be alive, but they are still political animals. For years, we’ve documented zombies trying to take over our democratic republic by holding the electoral process hostage, but we’ve never seen such a brazen attempt.

The zombies are running one of their own for president. Mr. A. Zombie (no relation to Rob) is running on a pro-zombie platform, along with his runningmate Noah Pulse. Nice try, walkers, but John Kerry’s defeat in 2004 proves that the American voter will always choose the candidate who is still human.

President destroys small business by supporting one

For all the talk this year about whether or not President Barack Obama supports small business owners, apparently there’s no satisfying those small business owners with actual patronage.

Mike Cunningham II owns one of the oldest beer tents you’ve never heard of at the Iowa State Fair … that is until President Obama stopped by, had a couple of beers, and was criticized for costing what Cunningham estimated as $25,000 in beer sales because his Secret Service detail effectively shut the Bud Tent down during his visit.

Folks, you can’t waste that piss away that kind of publicity. (Unless that publicity is, of course, an ice cold Bud Light.)

But, while the beer may not have been flowing as well as Cunningham would have liked, at least one person managed to get drunk, judging by Sen. Chuck Grassley’s tweeting:

“How does PresO justify havin secret service shut down the bud tent @ the state fair nd the owner told me he loses 50,000 n 1 nite.”

Batman for president

Who is Batman, and why do we keep thinking he’s an elected official?

Remember when The Dark Knight came out, and everyone thought that Batman’s approach to terrorism (Joker) was very George W. Bush-like? Right down to the part where everyone hates him at the end. Noted film critic Rush Limbaugh now thinks that the Caped Crusader is Barack Obama.

We all know that El Rushbo will say anything stupid to get ratings. In this case, it’s all about the character names and a couple lines. Catwoman says something about how rich people are rich and the poor are poor, and there’s a bad guy in the film named Bane, you know, like Bain Capital, the thing Mitt Romney’s tied up in right now. Even though Bane is a decades-old villain, and the film began shooting long before the campaign, or even the Occupy movement for that matter.

But still, good forward thinking, Rush. A black Batman. Wait, does that make Catwoman Hillary?

Romney can point to not one, but two gay friends

Let it never be said that Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney doesn’t have the support of Republican gays. In fact, he has two of their support.

Just to clarify: that’s two individual gay and lesbian members of the directing board for GOProud. The other two gay board members voted against endorsing Romney over his support for the Federal Marriage Amendment, yet the decision passed by a bare majority. So, it’s a gay Republican organization … that doesn’t much care about gay Republican rights. Just Republican talking points. But it’s a gay organization, not just plain old Republicans. Yet, three of the board members are straight, which is cool, but two of them just voted against gay marriage, and one wouldn’t take a stand on an issue that would probably matter to a gay political organization …

You know what? We’ll let you sort it all out, readers. Frankly, we can’t make tops or bottoms out of it.

There’s pro-life, and then there’s pro-looking busy at work

Some people kill time at work by playing Minesweeper. Republican congressmen do it by introducing anti-abortion measures into every single bill, relevance be damned.

The House GOP approved a Homeland Security spending bill that includes an attachment by Rep. Robert Aderholt, R-Ala, which prevents Immigration and Customs Enforcement from funding abortions for illegal immigrants. You hear that, ICE? Your days of aborting anchor babies are over!

… Except, as ICE spokesperson Barbara Gonzalez said, they have never funded or provided an abortion. Ever. Not even in that Planned Parenthood, “never with government money” way, but “even when we really wanted to because that baby was a terrorist.” (ICE already had a policy in place based on the Justice Department’s rule for the Bureau of Prisons that bars willy-nilly abortions.)

But, at least nobody can say Rep. Aderholt has never worked a day in his 15 years in the House. Technically, he’s worked at least one now.

Own a piece of the Gipper

In 1981, President Ronald Reagan survived an assassination attempt. However, he was still shot and had to recover in a Washington, D.C. hospital. A blood sample was taken during his stay, and then, like the Holy GOP Grail, the vial vanished. Over time, the vial of Reagan’s blood faded to the status of a mere myth or Fox News fantasy. But today, the Republicans’ prayers have been answered (of course, they’re the only party that believes in God).

Reagan’s blood is real and up for auction right now. For only a few thousand British pounds, you can own a piece of the Gipper himself. This is terrible news for Republican hopeful Mitt Romney, because now that we have Reagan’s DNA, we all know he’s going to be cloned to serve again.

Take it from Snee: Explaining U.S. branches of government to foreigners, children (Part 3)

Greetings, non-citizens and/or future voters! As you may recall, I recently explained to (at, whatever) foreigners and children how the United States’ political parties work. Since that was a rousing success – mostly because neither of you have command of my language to voice your objections – I’ve been tapped to now explain the three branches of our government.

The three branches are the executive, legislative and judicial branches. These were delineated all the way back in 1789, when a group of self-selected landowners (mostly lawyers) met to secretly and kind of/sort of illegally overhaul our existing government as outlined in the Articles of Confederation. This was the now legal framing of our famed Constitution. Maybe you’ve seen it in your tour through Ron Paul’s breast pocket?

To reflect this spirit of open contempt towards our law of the land, they intentionally set up a lawyer-driven three-way deathmatch between three equal branches. This cage fight is called “checks and balances,” which was based on the use of elbows and fleet footwork in Senate-floor cane brawls.

Because of the amount of information involved, and because every element of our government is ripe for jokes, I’ve divided this into a three part series. Previous installments covered the executive and legislative branches. This week, we wrap the whole shebang up with the judicial branch. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Explaining U.S. branches of government to foreigners, children (Part 3)

Take it from Snee: Explaining U.S. branches of government to foreigners, children (Part 2)

Greetings, non-citizens and/or future voters! As you may recall, I recently explained to (at, whatever) foreigners and children how the United States’ political parties work. Since that was a rousing success – mostly because neither of you have command of my language to voice your objections – I’ve been tapped to now explain the three branches of our government.

The three branches are the executive, legislative and judicial branches. These were delineated all the way back in 1789, when a group of self-selected landowners (mostly lawyers) met to secretly and kind of/sort of illegally overhaul our existing government as outlined in the Articles of Confederation. This was the now legal framing of our famed Constitution. Maybe you’ve seen it in your tour through Ron Paul’s breast pocket?

To reflect this spirit of open contempt towards our law of the land, they intentionally set up a lawyer-driven three-way deathmatch between three equal branches. This cage fight is called “checks and balances,” which was based on the use of elbows and fleet footwork in Senate-floor cane brawls.

Because of the amount of information involved, and because every element of our government is ripe for jokes, I’ve divided this into a three part series. Last week, I explained the executive branch. This week, it’s the legislative branch. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Explaining U.S. branches of government to foreigners, children (Part 2)