Category: Scurry ’12

Once an astronaut, always an astronaut?

The Sacramento Superior Court ruled Thursday that Jose Hernandez, a former NASA astronaut who served for two weeks aboard the International Space Station, can list himself as an astronaut on California’s primary election ballot. His occupation listing was challenged by “a Sacramento law firm with ties to top state Republicans,” who maintain that since Hernandez hasn’t been in space or NASA since January 2011, that being a rocket man is no longer his primary occupation.

Considering that only 327 Americans have gone into space since 1961 — and because he is probably a carrier of Space Madness (which we’ve previously warned about) — we’re pretty sure he’s considered an astronaut for the rest of his life. Besides, check out his Wikipedia page: Jose Hernandez (astronaut).

After all, once we sell this site to a Czech communal comedy farm, we’re still going to list ourselves as Guys.

Take it from Snee: Explaining U.S. political parties to foreigners, children

Longtime readers may recall that for three glorious days back in 2008, I was a legal subject of Her Royal Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II (long may she reign so that Camilla may not). Bermuda was a welcome vacation from the U.S. because it was an election year, but alas, the natives knew all about it and would ask tourists who we’re going to vote for.

What was most striking was that, although they knew the names, they still didn’t quite grasp the subtleties or history behind the American political parties or why one American would support one over another.

It is in the spirit of not knowing what a Tory or Socialist is that I’ve assembled this handy guide to the great and small political parties of these United States for foreigners and children. (For best use, please print this out onto a 4 x 11-inch note card, and keep it in your wallet with a magnifying glass.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Explaining U.S. political parties to foreigners, children

Today … in racism

With President Barack Obama’s inauguration in January 2009, you might have thought that was the end of racism in America. Don’t worry, mein klein kampfs: there’s still plenty to go around.

Some of you probably already know closet racists. You know, the uncle that “doesn’t want to be racist” but “some stereotypes are just true.” Montana’s chief federal judge, Richard Cebull, found himself in just that predicament. He didn’t want to be racist, yet he forwarded an admittedly racist email depicting the President being sired by his mother and an animal because “it was a bit touching.” Judge Cebull still claims he’s not a racist, but you can’t run from what the heart feels, your honor.

But, did you know that there are still out and proud racists? Illinois Republican congressional candidate Arthur Jones wants you to know that “this idea that 6 million Jews were killed in the Holocaust is the biggest, blackest lie in history.” That’s right: not only is he a “former” member of the Nationalist Socialist White People’s Party, but he even thinks lies are black, too.

It’s good to know that, despite the promises, not everything is subject to change.

The poll of the living dead

A lot of concern has been expressed by the public in recent months about Super PACs and their ability to influence elections. But we’re not here to bore you with all of that nonsense. There’s a far more sinister force at work, trying to hijack our Democratic Republican system and everything we hold dear: zombies.

According to the Pew Center on the States (so you know we’re not talking out of our asses), approximately 1.8 million registered voters are actually dead. On top of that, 2.75 million voters are registered in more than one state. So that means that some of these zombies not only have the power to vote, but they also have the power to commit voter fraud.

Uncle Sam, it’s time to grab your shotgun.

It can only get worse from here

In a world like ours where, no matter how slim it is, there’s a chance of having President Donald Trump, President Ron Paul (or for the visual-based people, President Six Flags Dancing Old Man Guy) or even scarier, President Newt (seriously, does he legitimately think that’s a good name for anyone?), someone else has decided to throw a hat into the ring.

Tread carefully, because there is now the possibility of having President Roseanne Barr.

Being of legal age and qualifying under all of the other guidelines, Barr has filed paperwork to become a candidate, hoping to get the Green Party’s nomination. While she has good enough ideas, the concept of replacing meat with nuts is something that SG Towers cannot back.

Oh, and why did we say it can only get worse from here? While it’s only speculation, imagine these words: Vice President Fran Drescher. The White House will be the most noise pollution-filled house ever in the country.

A not-so-Super Sunday

Why, hello there, reader. Big plans for the weekend? Well, before you let the crazy train leave suburban station, there are a couple of things you need to be aware of.

First, the U.S. House of Representatives would prefer it if you didn’t spend your welfare check on strippers. They passed a bill that “would bar welfare recipients from spending their benefits in strip clubs and casinos,” saying that kind of behavior is better paid through Republican donor parties.

And if that wasn’t weird enough, guess who’s going after child sex trafficking? No, the Catholic Church. (I know, right?) A team of nuns have alerted over 200 hotels in the Indianapolis area so they’ll know what child sex looks like for the Super Bowl. Nobody’s sure why the Super Bowl would be a banner day for pederasty — maybe because nothing sets the mood like the Puppy Bowl — but, it looks like we’re gonna have to settle for nachos and beer this year.

Perry loses critical Thanksgiving endorsement

Not satisfied with letting Newt Gingrich offend the entire African-American community here in the U.S., Texas Gov. Rick Perry set his sites higher and offended an entire country.

Perhaps considering its own run in the Republican presidential primary, Turkey condemned attacks by Gov. Perry at the recent South Carolina GOP debate. He accused the country of “being ruled by what many would perceive to be Islamic terrorists,” and suggested the best way to remedy that is to cut off their foreign aid.

It should be noted that foreign aid to Turkey was originally part of the Marshall Plan to repair their post-World War II economy and stop the spread of communism, which should prompt Republican voters to ask why Perry is soft on communism.

Finally: a documented instance of voter fraud

It’s been a while since we heard from our old buddy, conservative documentarian and pimp James O’Keefe. It appears he’s no longer required to stay within his home state’s lines as a condition of his probation for an attempted wiretapping, because now he’s under investigation for breaking election laws in New Hampshire.

O’Keefe and his cohorts were caught providing a false name to a poll worker in Manchester. In fact, it was the poll worker’s recently deceased husband. How recent? He died 10 days ago.

O’Keefe is now being investigated by New Hampshire’s Attorney General for video-tapping a poll worker without permission, providing a false name to secure a ballot and the federal crime of crossing state lines to tamper with another state’s election. This is also bad news for O’Keefe because he proved the opposite of what he had hoped: that lax voter ID laws don’t help Democrats commit voter fraud and steal elections.

Colbert beating a serious candidate

Welcome back to our ongoing series, Scurry to the White House ’12, your source for, well, us talking about politics. All the talk right now is about the New Hampshire primary but next up is South Carolina.

Yes, South Carolina, a proudly conservative state, a state where politicians enjoy hiking the Appalachian Trail, as good conservatives do. According to a Public Policy Polling survey released yesterday, if the primary were to take place today, Stephen Colbert would beat out John “the” Huntsman, with a 5% over the latter’s 4%. And yes, that’s a real survey of over 1,000 Republicans likely to vote.

Huntsman: You’re on notice.