Category: Scurry to the Capitol

| Posted in Scurry to the Capitol, Sex Sells

Snapchat hires lobbyists to deliver very bad news to Congress’ members

"What do you mean those pictures of me 'going maverick' are still stored somewhere?"
“Now that I know those pictures still exist somewhere, I really regret not touching up my ‘career.’”

It was only a matter of time before Snapchat, the Internet’s number one site for exchanging pervy pictures would join forces with the U.S. Congress, the number one user of those services over the age of 18.

In the wake of a high-profile hacking that revealed personal data from users, the tech company has hired some hotshot lobbyists, including Heather Podesta*, to help promote Web security policies that would prevent such leaks in the future. Also, to probably explain to some of the older members on the Hill (heh) how hacking Snapchat could put a real wrinkle in their careers.

And by “their careers,” we mean their ball sacks. Wrinkles are still wrinkles.

*You can learn more about Heather “‘It Girl’ of Washington” Podesta at her Wikipedia page that she almost certainly did not write herself.

| Posted in Scurry to the Capitol

Fire Boehner! And then the speaker after him, too!

He got all over those books in the background, too.
He got all over those books in the background, too.

A new poll from CNN — so, it’s admittedly people who still watch CNN — revealed that 63 percent of Americans want new House Speaker. The current one, Sen. John Boehner (R-Ohio), was elected to his position in 2010 after energized Tea Party voters made Republicans the majority party in the House of Representatives in order to fire then-Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Cali.).

And there’s a pretty solid chance that, no matter who the next speaker is and how he or she performs, they too will eventually have to give up the gavel. Such is the sorry state of democracy: electing one person and then unceremoniously stripping their title away after their term is over and a new one is elected.

The official poll results:

  • 63 percent want Speaker Boehner replaced.
  • 36 percent want Speaker Boehner to stay in his job just to watch him die a little more each day as he balances between pleasing career moderates and enthusiastic hardliners in his party.
  • 1 percent want Speaker Boehner to stop staining their bed sheets orange. And also pick up milk on the way home.
| Posted in Facepalm, Scurry to the Capitol

Alaska Rep. Don Young’s ‘Mad Men’ audition panned

"Is it still racist if I say that any one machine is worth 25 to 30 Mexicans, instead?"
“Is it still racist if I say that one machine is worth 25 to 30 Mexicans instead?”

U.S. Rep. Don Young, R-Alaska, did the time warp during a radio interview on Thursday. Citing the progress we’ve made in industry, while making none himself, Young explained: “My father had a ranch; we used to have 50 to 60 wetbacks to pick tomatoes.” Now, however, “It takes two people to pick the same tomatoes now. It’s all done by machine.”

(We presume he used the term “machine” because he wasn’t sure if his interviewer had seen Battlestar Galactica and would understand what a “toaster” is.)

Young issued a statement later to explain his use of the term “wetbacks,” saying, “I know that this term is not used in the same way nowadays and I meant no disrespect.”

See? He meant no disrespect; that’s just how people talked back then or if you’re a racist today. And if we offended Rep. Young by calling him a racist for saying a racist thing, then we assure him that we mean all of the disrespect implied.

| Posted in Scurry '12, Scurry to the Capitol

Who would Marcia Brady endorse?

U.S. Rep. Don Young, R-Alaska, is in a real pickle. He just accidentally said yes to endorsing two Senate candidates in the same race!

You see, during Hawaii’s U.S. Senate primary, he endorsed Democrat Rep. Mazie Hirono. But, that was only because he didn’t think Linda Lingle, the former Republican governor of Hawaii, would ask him. Don’s a Republican, so it only makes sense to go with Linda, who could very well turn out to be his conservative soulmate. Imagine the bills they’d frame together!

But, he made a promise when he said he’d endorse his Congressional partner, Mazie, to the U.S. Senate, and you can’t break a promise.  Plus, she already bragged to all of her friends in a campaign video that he’s taking her! If only there were a way to let her down easy, maybe by finding a friend to endorse her in his place? Stupid election laws stating that only one candidate can win each senate race.

This is exactly why we almost didn’t let Hawaii and Alaska into the union in 1959. They’re just too immature to get the hang of electoral dating etiquette.

| Posted in Economic cliches for $1000, Alex, Scurry to the Capitol

Also opposed to Christmas lights that untangle themselves

House Republicans have introduced a bill to repeal a nonexistent ban on the incandescent light bulb that President George W. Bush signed into law in 2007. According to Rep. Joe “I’m Sorry, BP” Barton, forcing light bulb manufacturers to produce energy efficient light bulbs (including the old Edison ones) that work with everything people currently use amounts to an attack on “personal freedom.”

It’s as if Republicans were acting out a metaphor about not understanding how paying a little more in the short term (fluorescent bulbs) means being able to save more over the long term (energy costs, not buying light bulbs for a few years).

| Posted in Picture of the Day, Scurry to the Capitol, Sex Sells

‘Very fun fit classy’ congressman resigns

We’re only a month into our latest class of the U.S. Congress, and we’ve got ourselves a sex scandal!

Rep. Chris Lee, R-N.Y., resigned after a camera phone photo of his naked torso was leaked onto gossipy-bitch Web site Gawker yesterday. The married father of one had emailed it to a woman on Craigslist, looking for a date.

While we think it’s ridiculous that any elected official needs to resign for doing something stupid, yet not illegal, we do believe that it’s time to set an age limit on camera phones. Wouldn’t you agree, Mrs. Favre?

| Posted in Scurry to the Capitol, What a Reach!

Your tax dollars kinda at work

The United States have gotten a bit of an unwanted moniker as of late, thanks in part to ridiculous. And it’s true-we at SG are far too aware of the many stupid lawsuits that are brought up every single day.

We’re not talking about Judge Joe Brown or Judge Wapner telling you to pay 750 dollars in small claims court for scuffing up someone’s shoes at the club-we’re talking about someone suing their neighbor because the neighbor has a boa constrictor skeleton in their house and the person bringing the lawsuit is a necrophiliac. As such, it always makes the citizens of this nation, from the peasants to the lawmakers, a little happier when a crazy lawsuit is smacked down.

Unfortunately, it has the complete and opposite effect when it’s a congressman, a lawmaker himself, that is the person bringing about a ridiculous and stupid lawsuit. Really Dennis? You couldn’t be bothered to glance down at what you ate before shoving it into your mouth? I guess nothing says dangerous like an olive.

| Posted in Scurry to the Capitol

What’s Connecticut gonna do when WWE fans run wild all over the polls?

Hey, did you guys know there’s some sort of “congressional” election coming up? It’s true. And in Connecticut, apparently they really care about it this time around. Sen. Chris Dodd is stepping down, and the two people competing for his job are seeking an edge however they can.

State Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, who is know for lying about serving in Vietnam and keeping our children safe from Wii beer pong, is running against Linda McMahon, is married to Vince McMahon, the head of the wrestling organization. Connecticut said voters will not be allowed to wear WWE gear to the polls because it could be seen as campaigning for McMahon inside the voting area.

McMahon’s campaign said that there is no way it could be seen as a campaign, but asked that if voters are asked to cover up WWE clothing before voting, that they instead tear off their shirts, then make a dramatic gesture out of putting their hands to their ears.

| Posted in Scurry to the Capitol

2010 Election: Two week warning!

There’s only two weeks in a mid-term election that could go down in history as a revolution in government or another mid-term election.

Tea Party candidates are the focus, by choice and for hilarity. But now that we’re in the final stretch, Republicans are trying to “contain gaffes,” which is another way of saying “try to not sound crazy.”

So, welcome to Moderateville! Where every nutjob with a tie wants to protect your social security and actually read the Constitution!

By the way: there are no more debates in Moderateville, because there’s no point when everyone’s normal and would only agree with each other!

| Posted in Picture of the Day, Scurry to the Capitol

To be fair, her parents aren’t running

In our continuing coverage of the most obsessively covered mid-term election since the last one, we turn our gaze to Virginia, home of three out of four of The Guys.

Sexy pictures of Democrat Congressional Candidate Krystal Ball were pulled off of Facebook by her opponent and leaked to the media. The media, of course, has responsibly asked if this is sexism while displaying those images as prominently as possible.

What amazes us is that it took a Sexy Santa costume and a dildo nose to make voters question the seriousness of a politician named Krystal Ball.