The beard is dead, Paul Ryan killed it

"Oh, sweet. The guy who wants to make sure I never see a dime of what I paid into Social Security now looks like my ex's new boyfriend."
“Oh, sweet. The guy who wants to make sure I never see a dime of what I paid into Social Security now looks like my ex’s new boyfriend.”

As The Guys, we wondered how long the current beard trend would last. It had successfully migrated from bear culture to the gay general population, and now every other straight male has already started growing out their “winter beard.”

Well, we’re ready to announce that, as of November 30, 2015, the beard is over. Just like how he killed free weights, U.S. Rep. Paul Ryan (R – Wisc.) is now growing a beard to be the first bearded Speaker of the House since Frederick Gillett, a Massachusetts Republican, left office in 1925.

It’s also believed that Ryan has also killed involved fatherhood and the push for paternity leave by pledging to return home every weekend to spend time with his children. We know his kids can’t be too happy about his Mr. Mom phase — they just got rid of him by sending him to D.C. back in 1999.

We also heard the Paul Ryan eats Paleo, runs Tough Mudders and listens to Muse. You’re welcome, people with no real interests.

Why you heard burps in the voting booth yesterday

The mid-term election campaign that ended yesterday was one of the most expensive in American history, and no one even cared about it. Just imagine how much worse it will be in two years! But the spending is nothing compared to what we spend on beer.

Some estimates have spending for this election as high as $3.67 billion on Congressional campaigning. That may sound like a lot, but it’s dwarfed by the $59.9 billion we came together as a drunken nation to spend on beer last year, according to the Bureau of Economic Analysis.

And that is why more political campaigns need to give out koozies.

Red meat for red members

This is J.D. J.D.'s doing well, very well indeed. That's because he noticed that  Boehner sounds a lot like "boner" and made a campaign out of it. Oh, and "something something Constitution."
This is J.D. J.D.’s doing well, very well indeed. That’s because he noticed that Boehner sounds a lot like “boner” and made a campaign out of it. Oh, and “something something Constitution.”

As has become tradition in red states since the 2008 election, House Speaker John Boehner faces a primary challenge this year from Tea Party candidates. What’s not so traditional is how stiff the competition has become for the top-ranking Republican in the federal government.

J.D. Winteregg, a high school teacher and suprisingly not a children’s book author pen name, is one of Speaker Boehner’s three primary challengers. And of those three, he’s the only one to run an ad that accuses the speaker of “electile dysfunction.”

‘Sometimes, when a politician has been in DC too long, it goes to his head and he just can’t seem to get the job done. Used on a daily basis, Winteregg in Congress will help you every time the moment is right to have your voice heard on the federal level.’

How do you know if you are experiencing E.D.? Symptoms may include “extreme skin discoloration,” smoking, golf, and the “inability to punch oneself out a wet paper bag or maintain a spine in the face of liberal opposition.”

The question remains, however, if Winteregg can keep it up until November. You’ll hear from us first if he doesn’t pull out early.


Snapchat hires lobbyists to deliver very bad news to Congress’ members

"What do you mean those pictures of me 'going maverick' are still stored somewhere?"
“Now that I know those pictures still exist somewhere, I really regret not touching up my ‘career.'”

It was only a matter of time before Snapchat, the Internet’s number one site for exchanging pervy pictures would join forces with the U.S. Congress, the number one user of those services over the age of 18.

In the wake of a high-profile hacking that revealed personal data from users, the tech company has hired some hotshot lobbyists, including Heather Podesta*, to help promote Web security policies that would prevent such leaks in the future. Also, to probably explain to some of the older members on the Hill (heh) how hacking Snapchat could put a real wrinkle in their careers.

And by “their careers,” we mean their ball sacks. Wrinkles are still wrinkles.

*You can learn more about Heather “‘It Girl’ of Washington” Podesta at her Wikipedia page that she almost certainly did not write herself.

Fire Boehner! And then the speaker after him, too!

He got all over those books in the background, too.
He got all over those books in the background, too.

A new poll from CNN — so, it’s admittedly people who still watch CNN — revealed that 63 percent of Americans want new House Speaker. The current one, Sen. John Boehner (R-Ohio), was elected to his position in 2010 after energized Tea Party voters made Republicans the majority party in the House of Representatives in order to fire then-Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Cali.).

And there’s a pretty solid chance that, no matter who the next speaker is and how he or she performs, they too will eventually have to give up the gavel. Such is the sorry state of democracy: electing one person and then unceremoniously stripping their title away after their term is over and a new one is elected.

The official poll results:

  • 63 percent want Speaker Boehner replaced.
  • 36 percent want Speaker Boehner to stay in his job just to watch him die a little more each day as he balances between pleasing career moderates and enthusiastic hardliners in his party.
  • 1 percent want Speaker Boehner to stop staining their bed sheets orange. And also pick up milk on the way home.

Alaska Rep. Don Young’s ‘Mad Men’ audition panned

"Is it still racist if I say that any one machine is worth 25 to 30 Mexicans, instead?"
“Is it still racist if I say that one machine is worth 25 to 30 Mexicans instead?”

U.S. Rep. Don Young, R-Alaska, did the time warp during a radio interview on Thursday. Citing the progress we’ve made in industry, while making none himself, Young explained: “My father had a ranch; we used to have 50 to 60 wetbacks to pick tomatoes.” Now, however, “It takes two people to pick the same tomatoes now. It’s all done by machine.”

(We presume he used the term “machine” because he wasn’t sure if his interviewer had seen Battlestar Galactica and would understand what a “toaster” is.)

Young issued a statement later to explain his use of the term “wetbacks,” saying, “I know that this term is not used in the same way nowadays and I meant no disrespect.”

See? He meant no disrespect; that’s just how people talked back then or if you’re a racist today. And if we offended Rep. Young by calling him a racist for saying a racist thing, then we assure him that we mean all of the disrespect implied.

Who would Marcia Brady endorse?

U.S. Rep. Don Young, R-Alaska, is in a real pickle. He just accidentally said yes to endorsing two Senate candidates in the same race!

You see, during Hawaii’s U.S. Senate primary, he endorsed Democrat Rep. Mazie Hirono. But, that was only because he didn’t think Linda Lingle, the former Republican governor of Hawaii, would ask him. Don’s a Republican, so it only makes sense to go with Linda, who could very well turn out to be his conservative soulmate. Imagine the bills they’d frame together!

But, he made a promise when he said he’d endorse his Congressional partner, Mazie, to the U.S. Senate, and you can’t break a promise.  Plus, she already bragged to all of her friends in a campaign video that he’s taking her! If only there were a way to let her down easy, maybe by finding a friend to endorse her in his place? Stupid election laws stating that only one candidate can win each senate race.

This is exactly why we almost didn’t let Hawaii and Alaska into the union in 1959. They’re just too immature to get the hang of electoral dating etiquette.

Also opposed to Christmas lights that untangle themselves

House Republicans have introduced a bill to repeal a nonexistent ban on the incandescent light bulb that President George W. Bush signed into law in 2007. According to Rep. Joe “I’m Sorry, BP” Barton, forcing light bulb manufacturers to produce energy efficient light bulbs (including the old Edison ones) that work with everything people currently use amounts to an attack on “personal freedom.”

It’s as if Republicans were acting out a metaphor about not understanding how paying a little more in the short term (fluorescent bulbs) means being able to save more over the long term (energy costs, not buying light bulbs for a few years).

‘Very fun fit classy’ congressman resigns

We’re only a month into our latest class of the U.S. Congress, and we’ve got ourselves a sex scandal!

Rep. Chris Lee, R-N.Y., resigned after a camera phone photo of his naked torso was leaked onto gossipy-bitch Web site Gawker yesterday. The married father of one had emailed it to a woman on Craigslist, looking for a date.

While we think it’s ridiculous that any elected official needs to resign for doing something stupid, yet not illegal, we do believe that it’s time to set an age limit on camera phones. Wouldn’t you agree, Mrs. Favre?

Your tax dollars kinda at work

The United States have gotten a bit of an unwanted moniker as of late, thanks in part to ridiculous. And it’s true-we at SG are far too aware of the many stupid lawsuits that are brought up every single day.

We’re not talking about Judge Joe Brown or Judge Wapner telling you to pay 750 dollars in small claims court for scuffing up someone’s shoes at the club-we’re talking about someone suing their neighbor because the neighbor has a boa constrictor skeleton in their house and the person bringing the lawsuit is a necrophiliac. As such, it always makes the citizens of this nation, from the peasants to the lawmakers, a little happier when a crazy lawsuit is smacked down.

Unfortunately, it has the complete and opposite effect when it’s a congressman, a lawmaker himself, that is the person bringing about a ridiculous and stupid lawsuit. Really Dennis? You couldn’t be bothered to glance down at what you ate before shoving it into your mouth? I guess nothing says dangerous like an olive.