Category: Scurry to the Capitol

Aliens come to Earth to mess with S.C. politics

An alien race is threatening to invade if a South Carolina congressional candidate is barred from the first GOP debate. Just when we thought nothing political could shock us anymore.

Dimitri Cherny switched from Democrat to Republican in his bid for one of South Carolina’s seats in the House, but local Republican party organizers won’t let him be a part of the primary’s first debate. That’s when an alien named Hajdut Terheqeze, who kind of looks like Cherny if he had a weird cone head and huge goggles, took to Cherny’s Instagram to threaten Charleston County GOP Chairman Larry Kobrovsky with arrest, branding him an “intergalactic criminal.”

Terheqeze said his ship was in orbit, and his video seemed to show the USS Enterprise and the crew of the original series. If so, interfering with the politics of an uncontacted planet seems a clear violation of the prime directive.

Elvis lives, and he’s running as a Libertarian

Celebrities these days are so political.

Because it’s 2018, and there is no such thing as politics as usual anymore, there is a man named Elvis Presley running for Congress. Of course there is.

Decades ago, Elvis Presley made it big not only because he co-opted rhythm and blues and made it white, but because he was the first white guy in recorded history to shake his hips. Today, Elvis A. Presley, an Elvis impersonator who changed his name, is running for one of Arkansas’ seats in the House of Representatives. He is running as a Libertarian, challenging Rep. Rick Crawford, R-Ark.

We hope to see Presley on the Capitol Hill next year, if only to see him order a peanut butter and banana sandwich during an all-night session.

Alaska Rep. Don Young’s ‘Mad Men’ audition panned

"Is it still racist if I say that any one machine is worth 25 to 30 Mexicans, instead?"
“Is it still racist if I say that one machine is worth 25 to 30 Mexicans instead?”

U.S. Rep. Don Young, R-Alaska, did the time warp during a radio interview on Thursday. Citing the progress we’ve made in industry, while making none himself, Young explained: “My father had a ranch; we used to have 50 to 60 wetbacks to pick tomatoes.” Now, however, “It takes two people to pick the same tomatoes now. It’s all done by machine.”

(We presume he used the term “machine” because he wasn’t sure if his interviewer had seen Battlestar Galactica and would understand what a “toaster” is.)

Young issued a statement later to explain his use of the term “wetbacks,” saying, “I know that this term is not used in the same way nowadays and I meant no disrespect.”

See? He meant no disrespect; that’s just how people talked back then or if you’re a racist today. And if we offended Rep. Young by calling him a racist for saying a racist thing, then we assure him that we mean all of the disrespect implied.

Who would Marcia Brady endorse?

U.S. Rep. Don Young, R-Alaska, is in a real pickle. He just accidentally said yes to endorsing two Senate candidates in the same race!

You see, during Hawaii’s U.S. Senate primary, he endorsed Democrat Rep. Mazie Hirono. But, that was only because he didn’t think Linda Lingle, the former Republican governor of Hawaii, would ask him. Don’s a Republican, so it only makes sense to go with Linda, who could very well turn out to be his conservative soulmate. Imagine the bills they’d frame together!

But, he made a promise when he said he’d endorse his Congressional partner, Mazie, to the U.S. Senate, and you can’t break a promise.  Plus, she already bragged to all of her friends in a campaign video that he’s taking her! If only there were a way to let her down easy, maybe by finding a friend to endorse her in his place? Stupid election laws stating that only one candidate can win each senate race.

This is exactly why we almost didn’t let Hawaii and Alaska into the union in 1959. They’re just too immature to get the hang of electoral dating etiquette.

Also opposed to Christmas lights that untangle themselves

House Republicans have introduced a bill to repeal a nonexistent ban on the incandescent light bulb that President George W. Bush signed into law in 2007. According to Rep. Joe “I’m Sorry, BP” Barton, forcing light bulb manufacturers to produce energy efficient light bulbs (including the old Edison ones) that work with everything people currently use amounts to an attack on “personal freedom.”

It’s as if Republicans were acting out a metaphor about not understanding how paying a little more in the short term (fluorescent bulbs) means being able to save more over the long term (energy costs, not buying light bulbs for a few years).

‘Very fun fit classy’ congressman resigns

We’re only a month into our latest class of the U.S. Congress, and we’ve got ourselves a sex scandal!

Rep. Chris Lee, R-N.Y., resigned after a camera phone photo of his naked torso was leaked onto gossipy-bitch Web site Gawker yesterday. The married father of one had emailed it to a woman on Craigslist, looking for a date.

While we think it’s ridiculous that any elected official needs to resign for doing something stupid, yet not illegal, we do believe that it’s time to set an age limit on camera phones. Wouldn’t you agree, Mrs. Favre?

Your tax dollars kinda at work

The United States have gotten a bit of an unwanted moniker as of late, thanks in part to ridiculous. And it’s true-we at SG are far too aware of the many stupid lawsuits that are brought up every single day.

We’re not talking about Judge Joe Brown or Judge Wapner telling you to pay 750 dollars in small claims court for scuffing up someone’s shoes at the club-we’re talking about someone suing their neighbor because the neighbor has a boa constrictor skeleton in their house and the person bringing the lawsuit is a necrophiliac. As such, it always makes the citizens of this nation, from the peasants to the lawmakers, a little happier when a crazy lawsuit is smacked down.

Unfortunately, it has the complete and opposite effect when it’s a congressman, a lawmaker himself, that is the person bringing about a ridiculous and stupid lawsuit. Really Dennis? You couldn’t be bothered to glance down at what you ate before shoving it into your mouth? I guess nothing says dangerous like an olive.

What’s Connecticut gonna do when WWE fans run wild all over the polls?

Hey, did you guys know there’s some sort of “congressional” election coming up? It’s true. And in Connecticut, apparently they really care about it this time around. Sen. Chris Dodd is stepping down, and the two people competing for his job are seeking an edge however they can.

State Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, who is know for lying about serving in Vietnam and keeping our children safe from Wii beer pong, is running against Linda McMahon, is married to Vince McMahon, the head of the wrestling organization. Connecticut said voters will not be allowed to wear WWE gear to the polls because it could be seen as campaigning for McMahon inside the voting area.

McMahon’s campaign said that there is no way it could be seen as a campaign, but asked that if voters are asked to cover up WWE clothing before voting, that they instead tear off their shirts, then make a dramatic gesture out of putting their hands to their ears.

2010 Election: Two week warning!

There’s only two weeks in a mid-term election that could go down in history as a revolution in government or another mid-term election.

Tea Party candidates are the focus, by choice and for hilarity. But now that we’re in the final stretch, Republicans are trying to “contain gaffes,” which is another way of saying “try to not sound crazy.”

So, welcome to Moderateville! Where every nutjob with a tie wants to protect your social security and actually read the Constitution!

By the way: there are no more debates in Moderateville, because there’s no point when everyone’s normal and would only agree with each other!

To be fair, her parents aren’t running

In our continuing coverage of the most obsessively covered mid-term election since the last one, we turn our gaze to Virginia, home of three out of four of The Guys.

Sexy pictures of Democrat Congressional Candidate Krystal Ball were pulled off of Facebook by her opponent and leaked to the media. The media, of course, has responsibly asked if this is sexism while displaying those images as prominently as possible.

What amazes us is that it took a Sexy Santa costume and a dildo nose to make voters question the seriousness of a politician named Krystal Ball.