Prove it by taking a shower with us

There are certain sentences that, when uttered, assure the world that you have no hope of ever winning your election:

  • “I don’t have to tell anyone where I buried her.”
  • “Is it just me, or are Laotians kind of smarmy?”
  • “I’m not a witch.”

Delaware Republican Senate candidate and late night television darling, Christine O’Donnell released a new ad, saying that she is–in fact–“not a witch.” She went on to claim that she is you.

Yes, you. Unless you’re a witch. Then she isn’t you.

… Or is she? Don’t look in the mirror!

Delaware’s suddenly a sexy state

The biggest election news this past week was the triumph of Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell in the Republican primary for one of Delaware’s U.S. Senate seats.

Immediately following her win, Democrats cackled with glee, believing they had locked up the crucial Masturbators Bloc. They based this on statements she made 15 years ago on MTV’s “Sex in the ’90s,” in which she snubbed masturbation as lust, wrong and making your wife’s handjobs seem bush league and amateurish.

But, O’Donnell clarified those statements in a candidate’s forum Thursday night, saying that her “faith has matured” since then, and that she will consider any issues from a constitutional perspective.

So, she either plans to amend the Constitution* to reflect her personal morality, or–after 41 years of being single–she’s finally embraced DIY.

*Speaking of: Hey! It’s Constitution Day!

Rum barrel politics

It’s been nearly four years since we mentioned the Pirate party. Back then, it was mostly in Sweden. If you stop and think about it, they probably should have called it the Viking party. Regardless, there is a U.S. branch of the political movement, as we reported four years ago. (Just think, a Pirate president could have served a full term in that time.)

But now, for some reason, they’ve been spotted in Oregon for the first time in a while (video). In case you forgot, the party stands for a free, open internet and a great deal of rum. Sure, the Pirate party doesn’t seem to have websites as the state level, but if they did, that would just make it easier for the navy to hunt them down.

This fall, vote for swashbuckling. Vote Pirate.

Remember: Talk Like a Pirate Day is only a month away!

Dumbasses don’t deny dumbass claim

We’re not saying the Birthers are dumbasses, but Colorado GOP Senate candidate Ken Buck did.

Buck expressed frustration with the “dumbass” Birthers that keep showing up to his rallies and making the news. He told a Democrat operative that he wishes they would just shut the f@#k up, asking him or her to “tell those dumbasses at the Tea Party to stop asking questions about birth certificates while I’m on camera.”

Fortunately for Buck, the Birthers are a voting bloc that’s too stupid to be insulted.

9/12 Project Colorado Coalition leader, Lu Busse, only noticed that her candidate used some naughty language [emphasis ours]:

“‘He could have not called us a name,’ said Busse. ‘It would have been better to say, “Why do these people” and he shouldn’t have used a bad name, but I don’t see it as he meant anything personal to me or to the other people in the Tea Party movement.'”

What a dumbass.

Mess with the goat, you get the horns

Life in the Washington, D.C. area is one that is many things, but is always one where the possibility of an attack is in the back of one’s mind. Last week, the nightmare came true.

There’s no easy way of saying this: the animals are attacking our leaders. A mohair goat was brought to D.C. as part of a protest against something or other (the protests all sort of blur for locals), and ended up jabbing Rep. Anthony Weiner, D-N.Y., in the hand with his horn, drawing blood. Let me repeat that: drawing blood.

This is no time to get all animal-rightsy, your country needs you. Imagine your home is invaded by a burglar, would you fight back? Now, what if that burglar was an animal? Exactly.

Take it from Snee: Crackshot Commando

I don’t like to brag too much about my military record. For one thing, it’s not very conducive to my online comedy career. I want you to laugh with me, not laugh because–if there’s a way for a former Space Green Beret to reach through your monitor–I’ll thumb-gouge your eyes out.

But, with the recent attacks on Connecticut Democrat senatorial candidate Richard Blumenthal and U.S. Representative Mark Kirk (R.-Ill.) that call their military careers into question, I feel it is time to stand up with these brave men.

By “stand up,” I mean to tell my own story, which is so incredible that it can only prove their claims are no less preposterous. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Crackshot Commando

Take it from Paul: That’s not what I meant

Note from Snee: Normally, you would find the ranting of a handsome man in this space. However, I’ve been offered the deal of a lifetime this week: selling my space this week to a Congressional candidate and taking the day off. See you next week, suckers!

Hi, I’m Rand Paul.

Some of you might know me because of my father, always-a-Senator-and-never-a-President Ron Paul. Others of you might know me from my practice as an ophthalmologist. (Whew! Thanks, Spell-Check!) And some of you might have already voted for me in the Republican primary and look forward to voting for me in the Kentucky general election.

Thank you for your support so far, but I’m not writing to you today.

Under the advisement of my new campaign manager, the talented and non-classically-attractive Rick Snee, I am writing in this SeriouslyGuys space to express some SeriouslyOpinions. (He assured me that his millions of readers would find this hilarious.) Continue reading Take it from Paul: That’s not what I meant

New record in nomination remorse set!

It took less than 24 hours for Rand Paul to throw away his party’s lock on one of Kentucky’s U.S. Senate seats.

In two separate interviews on NPR and “The Rachel Maddow Show” on Wednesday, the just elected Republican candidate for Senate questioned parts of the 1964 Civil Rights Act that forced privately-owned businesses to not be so openly racist.

(Examples of private businesses include taxis, power companies, gas stations, hospitals, banks and grocery stores. Just in case you’re confused.)

Mr. Paul clarified the remarks with a statement on Thursday, stating that he would not try to overturn the act. In addition, the National Republican Senatorial Committee tried to “help” by issuing a reminder in their statement that Southern Democrats opposed the bill back in 1964 … like Rand Paul? Is that what they’re saying?

We don’t often give advice to political candidates, so listen close:

SG Political Axiom #2
When someone asks if you–as an unelected candidate–support racial segregation, you’ve had 46 years to practice your answer: “No.” Don’t clarify. Don’t say it’s OK or unenforceable in certain situations. Don’t even say, “I’m opposed to segregation,” because that’s too many words. Just say, “No.”

Blumenthal served in Vietnam … era

Richard Blumenthal, the attorney general of Connecticut, has a reputation for making outlandish statements. We even know him from trying to shut down Wii beer pong. But yesterday was worse.

It came out yesterday that Blumenthal, who is running for the U.S. Senate, did not actually serve in Vietnam, despite making many carefully worded claims he did, and at least once just flat out saying he did. In reality, he got at least five deferments, and then got into the Marine Corps Reserve, keeping him out of the war.

Congress is too manly for its own good

Are you tired of Congress? Does it seem like they just won’t get the job done, no matter who we send there? Do you believe lawmakers are no longer willing to work together on the issues? Sen. Evan Bayh, D-Ind., agrees with you, which is why he’s done with it all.

The problem with Congress today? They’ve got balls.

Yes, in an interview, Bayh said “testosterone poisoning” was part of a culture shift in Congress that has led to everyone hating everyone and picking sides. Well, that and reality television. Bayh also said “tribal” politics has led to our current situation. It is so bad that congressmen are organizing themselves into two groups, and every two years some people get voted out.