… And this is a series of non-definitive statements from America’s security sweetheart, Janet Napolitano regarding how airports will continue to be defended at second and third base:
“‘The new technology, the pat-downs, is just objectively safer for our traveling public,’ Napolitano said. ‘We pick up contraband now, and we pick up more contraband with the new procedures and the new machinery. What we know is that you can’t measure the devices that we are deterring from going on a plane.'”
So, for those of you keeping score at home for our War on Nail Clippers:
1. We are finding contraband, which could be bombs or could be shampoo.
2. Nobody can count this contraband, which means that it’s either A) an embarrassingly small amount, B) a pants-wettingly large amount or C) unable to be counted because nobody keeps track of attempted terror attacks in our airports.
3. We are all now, somehow, objectively safer.
Of course you’re safe, citizens. Now take off your pants for mommy.