Category: Sex Sells

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Cold and flu season just got a little hotter

Tough luck, babies. We didn't have kids to make friends.
Tough luck, babies. We didn’t have kids to make friends.

What do we have in common with the turkeys we’re about to cook next week? What? No, we didn’t even notice your warbler. It’s that the most accurate way to take our temperature is through the flesh. Or, if you don’t want to stab someone (Dr. Carson), in da’ butt.

New research indicates that temperature readings taken orally, aurally (ear holes, man) or in the underarm are not nearly as accurate as ones taken in the butt or through other internal means like catheters. So, it’s your choice: butthole or peeho — right, of course: the butt.

So, remember: starve a cold, but feed a fever. Anally.

| Filed under Sex Sells

Wyoming wants you to forget that it has gonorrhea

There are some dirty places in Wyoming, and the state wants people to know that some of those dirty places are infected.

The state health department began an STD awareness campaign recently, which included buying billboard reading, “Wyoming has gonorrhea. Do you?” The sign attracted a lot of attention, but unfortunately not the kind it wanted. Wyoming’s gonorrhea sign went viral (heh), and it offended some people.

So much pressure built up that the sign was taken down last week. Now the world may never know if Wyoming has any other diseases.

| Filed under Sex Sells

Airport shows sex scene on monitors, no one complains

Airports are miserable places. They are filled with delays, lines, and worst of all, other people. But the Portugese are way ahead of us when it comes to making going to the airport a more pleasant experience.

While waiting for their luggage at an airport in Lison, Portugal, new arrivals were treated to a graphic sex scene playing on the monitors around baggage carousels. It played for several minutes before someone fixed it. According to airport authorities, no one complained about the choice of entertainment.

Luckily, we show signs of catching up here in the U.S. A few weeks ago, sounds from an adult video were played over the loudspeakers in a Target in California. Because we’re prudes, people complained.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Science: Desire smells like that to some people

This explains why Egon had such a unique hobby.
This explains why Egon had such a unique hobby.

We live in a world where a fungus can do to your lady what you can’t.

According to a recent study, there is an unnamed fungus species that grows only around Hawaiian lava flows that are hundreds of years old. Apparently it’s learned a few things, because it can make women have an orgasm with a single smell. The fungus was first discovered in 2001, but better research on the fungus was delayed (let’s blame 9/11). We now know that about half of women tested had a spontaneous climax. Male subjects had nothing.

This is an opportune time to introduce The Guys’ new cologne, “Fungus of the Fire Rock.” Look for it in stores this holiday season.

| Filed under Sex Sells

What’s a nice girl like you doing in a monastery like this?

The Dalai Lama is already practicing coquetry for his newer, hotter life.
The Dalai Lama is already practicing coquetry for his newer, hotter life.

We’re not sure what’s going on with the Dalai Lama’s health, but it sure seems like a lot of people are making moves for his death right now. China’s trying to make sure the next Lama is reborn as a Chinese bureaucrat — which should be easy since every fourth child in the world is born Chinese. And the Lama himself is wondering whether he’ll be the last oneperfection achieved, Dalai out!

But, what if he’s not the last one? And what if the next Lama is a lady Lama (the Dali Alpaca)? Much like younger, Tumblr-using fans of James Bond movies and Doctor Who, the Lama is not against the idea of coming back as a woman. But, only on the condition that he’s really hot, OK?

The Dalai Lama had previously caused a stir when he said he could be reincarnated as a ‘mischievous blonde woman.’ Even then, he insisted, ‘her face must be very attractive’ or ‘nobody pay much attention.’

So, the next Lama will only live to the age of 24, 25 tops.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Study: You were hotter when you were 24, ladies

Ladies, you’re all beautiful, no matter what your age. Unfortunately, guys think your attractiveness goes down once you hit 25. We’re not saying it, data is saying it.

Christian Rudder co-founded dating site OKCupid, and he’s got a whole lot of data about what his customers have said they look for in a potential mate over the years. The data shows that women find men attractive generally near their age, maybe a year or two younger. But to men aged 20 to 50, women look their most attractive between 20 and 24. Every single age group said this. It doesn’t mean men don’t find women attractive when they are 25 or older, just that they probably wish they met those women back when they were fresh out of college.

So ladies, make sure to find The One by age 26 or so, or say hello to spinsterhood.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Proving your worth, one teaspoon at a time

"I tried to fill the cup, but went dry after the sixth go. I'm barely a man at all."
“I tried to fill the cup, but went dry after the sixth go. I’m barely a man at all.”

As if things weren’t bad enough for Britain with Germany showing it up, their sperm banks aren’t helping. In an entire year, Britain’s national sperm bank has only drummed up nine total donors. Nine. As in not 90, 900 or even 9,000. Nine British men with British genetics.

So, to somehow bring out the best in British manhood, the bank is trying a new ad campaign: daring British men to “prove your worth, show [Laura Witjens, the chief executive] how good you are.”

Now, as guys, The Guys understand a few things about guys. We all revere and kind of hope that Arnold Schwarzenegger is our real dad. We all pretend to understand the rules to every sport a lot more than we actually do. And we don’t use our semen to prove our manliness — no matter how literal of a virility test that would be.

What we’re saying is, Ms. Witjens, you’re more likely to get a lot of guys to bench press, skip rocks, or open pickle jars outside of your sperm bank than hand you cups of baby batter.

| Filed under Scurry (Politics), Sex Sells

Mich. lawmaker tries the ol’ fake male prostitute trick

When is a sex scandal not a sex scandal? When it’s a decoy.

Michigan state Rep. Todd Courser is a Christian, socially conservative Republican and a married father of four. So when an email surfaced suggesting that he bought the services of a male prostitute, eyebrows were raised–especially when it was revealed that Courser and faked and released the email himself. Turns out that he faked paying for gay sex to cover up an affair with state Rep. Cindy Gamrat, who is also married, has three children and is vocal about her faith. Courser’s logic was that after rumors about a male prostitute got out there, news of hetero-lawmaker-on-hetero-lawmaker action would seem tame.

The real tragedy here is that every time an official fakes a gay sex scandal, it casts a shadow of doubt on all the genuine gay sex scandals out there.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Science: If you want a happy marriage, don’t have more sex

If you’re married and having a lot of sex, odds are you’re not as happy as you think you are. Hey, we’re not saying it, science is.

According to a study at Carnegie Mellon University, heterosexual married couples who increased the frequency of their having of the sex reported a slight decrease in their overall happiness and satisfaction with the intercourse. Meanwhile, a similar group that had the sexy sexy (medical term) at their normal frequency reported no real change in their happiness or satisfaction.

So there you have it, married people. Your relationship is destined to be just one long plateau, no good days or bad days, for all eternity. Doesn’t that sound exciting?

| Filed under Sex Sells

The day you learn your new home was once a ‘sex club’ is a bad day

When you buy a house, you don’t really know what problems you might find inside. Maybe the roof leaks, maybe the basement is infested with mice, maybe the A/C unit is about to go. But there are worse things, yes, even worse than figuring out septic trucks like your house. You could find out your dream home was once a sex club.

Brian and Lauren Gehm had just moved into their home in New Jersey and had a technician installing their satellite TV. But there was a problem with the electrical wiring in the house. They traced the wiring and found their home had web cams hidden in the basement, all hooked up to a closed-circuit television system. Turns out, the previous owners had used the house as “a disco and/or ‘sex club.'”

They are now suing the realtors who sold them the home for failing to disclose that minor detail. Perhaps to pay the legal fees they should reopen the club.