Hello, ladies. Are you still recovering from your International Women’s Day celebrations? Science has created something for you that might take the edge off.
You can now have an orgasm at the push of a button, assuming you’re fine with having surgery. Researchers have invented a device, about the size of a pack of cigarettes, that hooks up to the spinal cord and has electrodes on certain sensitive spots. When the remote control activates the device, it’s pleasure time.
We’ve all heard the reviews on Sex Panther: that it works 60 percent of the time all the time and that it smells like Bigfoot’s dick. But, you know what works 100 percent of the time all the time? Male goat pheromone.
The scent of male sheep and goats — also known as rams and … male goats — contains a pheromone called 4-ethyloctanal that, when exposed to oxygen, converts to a related compound called 4-ethyloctanoic acid. And we don’t have to tell you what happens after that. (Knowwhatwe’resayin’?)
[We've just been informed that you do not, in fact, knowwhatwe'resayin'.]
The resulting acid, when inhaled by females of their species, causes their reproductive systems to kick in, getting them all twitterpated. And if that’s not worth smelling like Bigfoot’s cable knit sweater, then we don’t know what is.
The state Supreme Court in Georgia ruled Monday that, while it is a crime to mail unsolicited nude photos of yourself without a warning on the envelope, it is not illegal to do it electronically.
But, let’s not lose focus on the nitty-gritty legal details here. (Although, side note: take caution opening text messages at work from The Guys for at least a week.) The important factor here is that Charles Lee Warren is free to text pictures of his schlong tattoo for as long as he can keep it up. (Keep up his camera.)
True, the married mother of young children who received Warren’s photo either wasn’t impressed or felt threatened, hence her charges. But, aren’t the rest of us just a little curious to see it since it’s tattooed to say, “STRONG E nuf 4 A MAN BUT Made 4 A WOMAN?”
There are so many unanswered questions here. Does it go down the shaft, or around it like the inscription on the One Ring? The phrase is pretty long, but did Warren resort to Prince/Sinead O’Connor title numbers because it isn’t long enough?
When Judy Cox found indecent t-shirts at a PacSun store, she did what The Guys would do: buy them all. Except, rather than wear as many as possible and then donate the rest to children with parental locks on their Internet access, she spent over $550 to protect her town — including her 18-year-old son — from the sight of scantily dressed womens.
Now unsure what to do, she thinks she might return them on day 59 of the store’s 60 day return policy. Which means they’ll be on display again, along with the 19 shirts the store ordered to restock. That is a victory for … well, nobody. Certainly not for her son, who will now surely be connected to the story as the tender legal adult who was publicly wank-blocked by his mom while shopping with her for clothes.
To be fair, we don’t think too clearly when we see boobs on a t-shirt, either.
OK, so some scientists have traced the genetic roots (ha!) of the South American bottle gourd — which people have used since before Columbus to carry and store their water — and found that it must have floated over intact from Africa.
Fascinating, but not why this story came to The Guy’s attention.
No, the reason we’re sharing this with you is to launch our new post category: Copy of the Day. (For non-journos, that’s short for copywriting, or the act of writing things you don’t care about because you’re paid to do so.)
And, folks, Los Angeles Times writer Melissa Healy can barely contain herself about bottle gourds, right in the very first sentence:
The bottle gourd, beloved since pre-Columbian times not only for its voluptuous shape but for its endless uses … [emphasis ours].
As much as we love to rub our junk on things and each other, there are way too many hazards. But, thanks to medical science, we are now two discoveries closer to limiting those hazards to bristly objects and people.
Researchers have developed a new treatment for herpes that can reduce the virus’s ability to reproduce and spread. The new drug, pritelivir, improves upon existing treatments by targeting a viral component used earlier in the reproductive cycle. (Earlier in the virus’ reproductive cycle, not yours.)
And if, like Rambo, you prefer to “go it alone,” then we have good news: scientists have developed a treatment to slow down or cure blindness. Surgeons used gene therapy to restore sight to six patients suffering from choroideremia, blindness caused by a faulty gene that allows light-detecting cells at the back of the eye to gradually die. Injecting a healthy gene and some therapy could get you back to it with visual porn in no time.
Science: making a better tomorrow, one stroke at a time.
It was only a matter of time before Snapchat, the Internet’s number one site for exchanging pervy pictures would join forces with the U.S. Congress, the number one user of those services over the age of 18.
In the wake of a high-profile hacking that revealed personal data from users, the tech company has hired some hotshot lobbyists, including Heather Podesta*, to help promote Web security policies that would prevent such leaks in the future. Also, to probably explain to some of the older members on the Hill (heh) how hacking Snapchat could put a real wrinkle in their careers.
And by “their careers,” we mean their ball sacks. Wrinkles are still wrinkles.
*You can learn more about Heather “‘It Girl’ of Washington” Podesta at her Wikipedia page that she almost certainly did not write herself.
Researchers from Oregon State University and Germany would like to call your attention to some flowers they found preserved mid-plant coitus in amber from 100 million years ago. Please take note of the still wet pollen that was tenderly deposited by some insect caught up in the flowers’ passion. And focus on how that flower is taking that money shot and turning it into seed, all captured in a single prehistoric moment and then frozen in time.
That’s right. Just keep looking at the plant sex captured so beautifully that not even Georgia O’Keeffe could do it justice. Pay no attention to the plant mucous menacingly tidal waving over you.
Seriously, how is it that we think Tyrannosaurus Rex was the scariest thing about the Cretaceous Period (not Jurassic, Mr. Spielberg) when pretty much everything was killed and preserved by amber. That’s not tree sap, that’s a serial killer.
To clarify: they gave the Viagra to the women with the cramps. No doctors earned their red wings in the name of science today … that we know of.
So, how do boner pills treat pelvic pain? Sildenafil, the less sexy name of the medicine marketed as Viagra, merely increases blood flow to what doctors call the crotchular region, regardless of how far your sensitive parts dangle. So, the increased blood flow to the uterus seems to clear up whatever causes dysmenorrhea during periods.
So far, the treatment has worked better than the placebo with no side effects. Well, aside from women having trouble answering math problems in front of the class.