Category: Sex Sells

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

It’s official: sex isn’t crap

It's also the Scots' fault when you have to hold hands and "make love for once."
It’s also the Scots’ fault when you have to hold hands and “make love for once.”

Just when you thought the Scottish couldn’t get any smugger (yet manage to stay British), get ready for the mother of all come-ons: the Scots invented sex.

Scientists discovered the oldest species to fertilize each other internally: a species of ancient Scottish lake fish. About 385 million years ago, Microbrachius dicki (yes, dicki) got tired of the old you-lay-‘em-and-I’ll-spray-‘em spawning technique in favor of a bit of the old in-out, in-out copulation.

Rather than do it people- or drunk people-style — you may call it “doggie” — the male and female fish swam up to each other side by side. And that’s where the magic happened, sidehatch-style:  Continue reading

| Posted in Sex Sells

New law confuses date rapists

Just to further confuse Californian date rapists, universities are using educational videos featuring guys who can easily get consent to explain why date rapists should get active consent.
Just to further confuse Californian date rapists, universities are using educational videos featuring guys who can easily get consent to explain why date rapists should get active consent.

A new law that would change the standard of consent for sex in California colleges to actual consent has active and potential date rapists confused.

The new law would change the rote standard of “no means no” to “yes means yes.” This means that, rather than putting the burden on sexual assault victims to say no, it would require those wanting sex to make damn well sure that the person whom they are entering is OK with that.

However, that’s still too complicated of a message.

‘I feel like their hearts are in the right place, but the implementation is a little too excessive,’ Henry Mu, a 24-year-old biology major at California State Long Beach told the Press-Telegram. ‘Are there guidelines? Are we supposed to check every five minutes?

[...]

How does a person prove they receive consent shy of having it videotaped[?]‘ Joe Cohn, the legislative policy director at the Foundation for Individual Rights in Education, told Inside Higher Ed.

Yeah, what’s a guy to do? Talk to the person he’s about to risk pregnancy or a contracting a sexually transmitted disease from? If date rapists could talk to women as people, they wouldn’t have to rape their dates.

Geez. California, amiright?

| Posted in Sex Sells

When soliciting sex, try not to call a police officer

Cold calls are dreadful. People hate getting them, and the people making the calls don’t like it that much either, but it drums up business. So it works for the most part, provided that you’re not doing anything illegal, and you don’t say, call a cop.

A Maryland woman learned that lesson this week. Police say a member of Frederick Police Department’s Drug Enforcement Unit received a call from the 44-year-old woman offering money for sex. She didn’t dial a random number, she had the officer’s number from an unrelated incident, and apparently forgot to write down “Cop” next to it.

And of course, when the woman arrived at the agreed upon place, the authorities were waiting. This is exactly what the Do Not Call List is for, people.

| Posted in Economic cliches for $1000, Alex, Sex Sells

Sometimes, keeping your overhead costs low just isn’t worth it

Again, people, we completely understand that making an honest dollar is difficult. If you’re self-employed or a small business owner, you’re already at a disadvantage. Professional marketing is not cheap, which can be a striking blow as you’re trying to keep your overheads costs low. How else can you maximize your profitability?

Nonetheless, sometimes it’s worth it to spend the extra money. Just in case.

Also, know your market beforehand. Just because you’re at a library doesn’t necessarily mean that the sexy librarian motif is something you need to run with.

| Posted in Sex Sells

Woman with MS suing city thanks to Dr. Love

No matter where you live, there’s probably some backwards, totally archaic ordinance that looms over your town. Charlotte, a bustling and thriving city with an airport, has a noise ordinance that takes effect after 10:30 pm. My current city has an ordinance requiring bars to hire security based off how many people can be in the bar. My hometown has a no washing mules on the side walks ordinance (it’s a real hindrance). And in Sandy Springs, a prescription is required to have a sex toy.

While it should surprise no one that a city in Georgia is less than progressive, it was odd to Melissa Davenport. Davenport, suffering from multiple sclerosis, has had breakthroughs in being able to feel sensations with back massagers neck warmers LONG JOHN’S KONG DONG something that can be bought at Spencer’s Gifts.

According to Davenport, sex toys saved her marriage and that’s why she’s suing Sandy Springs to have the ordinance be found unconstitutional. A nobler lawsuit there has never been.

| Posted in Sex Sells

Court filing: I love laptop

Should you be able to marry your laptop? One man in Florida thinks so.

A man in Florida has filed a motion to intervene in a gay marriage case on behalf of another sexual minority, namely, those who want to marry their laptops. What may be the most surprising there is that even though the case is filed in Florida, it’s not simply filed because some dude really wants to make an honest computer out of his laptop, he’s got another reason.

Chris Sevier argues in his filing that if people can marry even though they are the same gender, he should be able to marry his laptop. This is what passes for clever in Florida.

It’s just not a fair comparison. Millions of people are unable to trade in their spouses when they start slowing down.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Hey, baby … no, wait. Come back.

Oh, yeah? If guys can't make sexy talk, then how did the Village People write an entire song about it?
Oh, yeah? If guys can’t make sexy talk, then how did the Village People write an entire song about it?

The Guys like to think of ourselves as debonair masters of seduction. Which is why we’re kind of surprised that our sexy voices don’t work. That’s according to some alleged research by psychologists at Albright College.

In the experiment, 20 men and 20 women tried their sexy voices — you know: deeper, smokier, less-Jerry Lewis-y (but not by that much) — on an audience of 40 people. And, according to those 40 people, men just couldn’t summon sexy if sexy were a rabid dingo and they were wearing a suit made of babies. “In fact,” said study author Susan Hughes, “although not significantly, it got a bit worse when men tried to sound sexy.”

But, we’re not feeling daunted. Perhaps it works for The Guys because we’re too sexy looking, so using ineffectual sexy talk makes us more accessible, sort of like Anne Hathaway’s … everything.

| Posted in Sex Sells

More like New Humpshire

We're not too surprised at New Hampshire's moral flexibility. It's been scissoring Vermont since 1763.
We’re not too surprised at New Hampshire’s moral flexibility. It’s been scissoring Vermont since 1763.

New Hampshire is set to decriminalize “gettin’ some strange.” All that remains is for Gov. Maggie Hassan to sign it into law.

Adultery has been a stocks, lashing, jailing and fining offense in the state since 1791. However, theme parks turning the stockades into tourist attractions kind of took the sting out of the punishment, so it’s gradually become just an unenforced fine. (Also, the lashings typically take place in the bedroom during the offense now.) The last logical step was to just decriminalize it entirely.

So, if your spouse suddenly takes an interest in the Granite State, it might not be for the tax-free shopping.

| Posted in Facepalm, Sex Sells

NYC, rubber; Dominican Republic, glue

"I ❤ New York! I just don't ❤ it bareback."
“I ❤ New York! I just don’t ❤ it bareback.”

So, uh, if you’ve been looking for the free condoms New York City distributed everywhere and can’t find them, you could try looking in the Dominican Republic. (They’re always in the last place you look, like still in your date.)

Apparently somebody has gathered them up and shipped them over to vendors in DR, and they’re making a nice profit by selling what were free for 50 cents a pop. Or, if they don’t pop, a fill.

However, city officials aren’t about to do anything about it as the lost condoms don’t make up a large percentage of the number the city distributes every year. So, going back to the opening sentence: if you’ve been looking for free condoms in NYC, and aren’t finding them, then it’s not because somebody shanghaied them off to the Caribbean. It’s because you’re a lazy scumbag.

| Posted in Scurry to the Capitol, Sex Sells

Red meat for red members

This is J.D. J.D.'s doing well, very well indeed. That's because he noticed that  Boehner sounds a lot like "boner" and made a campaign out of it. Oh, and "something something Constitution."
This is J.D. J.D.’s doing well, very well indeed. That’s because he noticed that Boehner sounds a lot like “boner” and made a campaign out of it. Oh, and “something something Constitution.”

As has become tradition in red states since the 2008 election, House Speaker John Boehner faces a primary challenge this year from Tea Party candidates. What’s not so traditional is how stiff the competition has become for the top-ranking Republican in the federal government.

J.D. Winteregg, a high school teacher and suprisingly not a children’s book author pen name, is one of Speaker Boehner’s three primary challengers. And of those three, he’s the only one to run an ad that accuses the speaker of “electile dysfunction.”

‘Sometimes, when a politician has been in DC too long, it goes to his head and he just can’t seem to get the job done. Used on a daily basis, Winteregg in Congress will help you every time the moment is right to have your voice heard on the federal level.’

How do you know if you are experiencing E.D.? Symptoms may include “extreme skin discoloration,” smoking, golf, and the “inability to punch oneself out a wet paper bag or maintain a spine in the face of liberal opposition.”

The question remains, however, if Winteregg can keep it up until November. You’ll hear from us first if he doesn’t pull out early.

Penis.