Take it home, canoodlers

Posted on March 15, 2010
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Just in case you weren’t sure, nobody wants to see you kiss. And Dubai isn’t gonna put up with your cutesy public displays of affection anymore.

Also, quit holding hands. You look like you’re eight when you cross the street together.

Written by Rick Snee

Correlation vs. causation and your priest

Posted on March 11, 2010
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Congratulations on your recent adoption of a Catholic priest! Millions of people worldwide have made your choice in religious leader adoption, many because of the ease of care priests require:

*There have been recent cases over the past 200 years of priests “expressing their sex organs” on children in the home. While experts are divided on what prompts this behavior by certain priests, Christoph Schönborn–the Archbishop of Vienna–believes that celibacy may “allow no outlet for priests’ sexual urges.”

Of course, this does not account for priests only exhibiting untoward advances to children. So, the jury’s still out on whether some priests become pedophiles or if some pedophiles become priests.

Just to be safe, you should always neuter your priest before introducing it into a home with small, easily-knocked-over children. It also saves the furniture from embarrassing stains.

Written by Rick Snee

We’ll cure that four hour erection now

Posted on March 10, 2010
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The pharmaceuticals industry has changed the way we view old age. Old men used to be creepy; now they’re creepy with boners.

As a result of Generation Viagra, women have fallen behind. While the average 55-year-old woman can remain sexually active for an additional 11 years, the average 55-year-old clinically-induced chubbie will continue to hump her leg until the undertaker forcibly restrains him.

If you thought that was bad enough, the fastest growing age group with STDs are the elderly. (Your grandmother apparently prefers to “ride bareback.”)

So, think about that next time you’re visiting older relatives.

Written by Rick Snee

If you’re reading this, you don’t have it

Posted on March 1, 2010
Filed Under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells | Leave a Comment |

The world is skeptical of sex addiction, or hypersexual disorder, in the wake of recent sex scandals–most notably that of Tiger Woods.

Sure, we live in a world where our greatest information-sharing and connectivity tool is used predominantly for pornography. We even have terms for postponing work or other activities to indulge ourselves, like “procrasturbating.”

But, calling the urge to continue the species (if we forget to take precautions) a disease like restless leg syndrome or erectile dysfunction, well … that’s just taking things a little too far, right? (Which is what your mom did not say last night.)

It may not be a disease, yet, but psychiatrists are considering the addition of hypersexual disorder to their next edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. (The link includes a checklist for your hypochondriac amusement.)

All we’re saying is that, should this happen, employers better expect more sick days taken.

Written by Rick Snee

Take it from Snee: ‘No homo’

Posted on February 10, 2010
Filed Under Sex Sells, Take it from Snee | 1 Comment |

I love how the hip-hop community was worried that all their battle songs sound gay. Not derogatory gay, but really, really gay. Like “touched if my friends call their wedding a ‘commitment ceremony’” gay.

I can imagine the setting when they came up with “no homo.” DJ Fistmaster is taking a break from a hot and heavy lyrics session, wondering if he came a little too strong onto Dirty Lil’ $anchez when he metaphorically said he would “nut in his eye/ ‘cause he’s a pretty little guy.” Read more

Written by Rick Snee

What’s more presidential than making new citizens?

Posted on February 8, 2010
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Proving that the U.S. isn’t the only country with an oppositional party that overcompensates with moral outrage, the South African party, Congress for the People,  is asking for President Jacob Zuma’s resignation.

Zuma, who already has 3 wives and 20 children, fathered another one out of wedlock. That’s right: it wasn’t even with one of his three wives! What ever happened to marital fidelity?!

(Of course, were this a French African country, his wives would probably accept his mistress.)

Critics are citing the statistic that “one in nine South Africans is infected with HIV.” They argue that Zuma’s out of wedlock child sets a bad example.

We’re not saying that South Africa has a … shoddy understanding of AIDS, but not only do they seem to believe that simply more South Africans equals more AIDS, but Zuma himself said, for a separate sex charge, that “he took a shower after the act to minimize the chance of infection” after (allegedly consensual) sex with an HIV-positive family friend.

Written by Rick Snee

Oral sex + knife = baby?

Posted on February 4, 2010
Filed Under Headline of the Day, Sex Sells | Leave a Comment |

If you thought that it wasn’t sex if you only made with the mouth games, then we regret to inform you, Mr. President, that you are wrong.

In 1988, a 15-year-old African girl with no vagina gave birth. (It was a Caesarean birth, obviously.)

So, how did a girl from Lesotho get pregnant without a vagina?

  1. Orally.
  2. And then followed with a knife fight.

She was stabbed in the stomach by a jealous ex-boyfriend shortly after swallowing manimals, opening a channel for the sperm to swim into her love canal.

So, perhaps when we talk about safe sex, we should add a new method: leaving your knives at home.

(Special thanks to Kristen E.)

Written by Rick Snee

New study reveals teens still lie about sex

Posted on February 3, 2010
Filed Under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells, War on Education | Leave a Comment |

So, in spite of rising STD and pregnancy rates, a new study claims that abstinence-only education is “working.”

If you’re anything like the Guys, you’re probably wondering, “How is that working?” Because the study moved the goalposts.

The success of abstinence-only education is now based on how many teens have sex afterwards. You know, because it’s OK if less teens have more babies and genital warts.

It may be like saying that there’s less overall crime, but there’s more rape and murder than ever. But at least we finally got littering under control!

Written by Rick Snee

Great, now the Internet’s unsafe for children

Posted on January 26, 2010
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Pope Benedict XVI has asked Catholic ministers and priests to use the Internet to spread the gospel. Ben (and only we are allowed to call him that) cited the Church’s adoption of other media like books, television and weekly wine tastings as justification to moving online.

We can see a couple of flaws to this plan:

  1. The priests who are already Web savvy are also already on Chris Hansen’s watchlist.
  2. The priests who aren’t online will have trouble setting up blogs and Web sites since they never had children to do it for them. (This is also why the clergy doesn’t use DVRs and their clocks always read “88:88.”)

Still, we think His Holiness is on the right track and welcome him and his brethren to the ’90s.

Written by Rick Snee

Double standards haven’t been this rough since Susan B. Anfernee

Posted on January 19, 2010
Filed Under Sex Sells, That Wacky New Zealand | Leave a Comment |

It’s well established that standards for sexual attractiveness in men and women differ, and would seem to have done so well along the way back down the evolutionary chain; an older, established male has a stronger troupe, while younger females have more breeding years in them.

In New Zealand, it just means that older women tend to fly a lot more.

Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor
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