Kuwait proposes MILF grant
Posted on August 25, 2010
Filed Under Sex Sells | Leave a Comment |
Kuwait has an infestation, and they need a few good men to root it out: unmarried women.
Spinsters are wrecking the oil-rich nation. The Kuwaiti government already pays men 4000 dinars ($14,000) to marry one woman. Now, they’re considering paying a similar dowry for marrying a second woman, who must be widowed, divorced or 40-years-old.
So, they might have that going for them.
Written by Rick SneeTitis under man’s clothes in airport!
Posted on July 20, 2010
Filed Under Sex Sells, War on Animals | 1 Comment |
Reader, do you:
- Hate animals?
- Fear illegal Latino immigrants?
- Find words that sound like “titties” hilarious and verrrrry arousing?
Then get the monitor swabs ready, because you’re about to shoot your SeriouslyLoad!
A man was arrested trying to smuggle 18 illegal Peruvian titi monkeys into the Mexico City Airport. Hm, a human smuggling contraband in his clothes in Mexico. We wonder where they were headed next. (By “wonder,” we mean “know exactly.”)
As fun as it is to snort coke off of titis, especially off those belonging to strippers, you are abetting a horrible trade and aiding the enemy in the War on Animals.
Written by Rick SneeIf only teens loved something more than smoking …
Posted on July 13, 2010
Filed Under Booze News, Facepalm, Sex Sells | Leave a Comment |
The Southern Nevada Health District has discovered the key to getting teens to stop smoking, picking up where tobacco companies have failed. (Which is surprising because those guys are marketing geniuses!)
The District has employed Vegas-style ads, using sex, booze and possibly Siberian tigers to convince youth that smoking is not sexy and, if you can’t get laid, then there’s always vodka.
Of course, some less successful anti-smoking campaigners have a problem with this. Smoke-Free Gaming chairwoman Stephanie Steinberg believes the ads just create a new problem: sexy, easy teenagers with tasty breath.
Steinberg’s right: unless these ads teach teens and young adults to eat their vegetables, volunteer with the elderly, spend a year abroad, go to church and quit smoking, then they might as well stay out of the discussion.
Written by Rick SneeTake it from Snee: Updating Sex Ed
Posted on July 7, 2010
Filed Under Sex Sells, Take it from Snee | 1 Comment |
It’s been at least eight years since schools taught comprehensive sex education.
Eight years. A lot changes in eight years, especially when it comes to sex. Sure, the basic act of f@#king-to-miss (that’s what I call sex without the purpose of insemination) hasn’t changed much.
But, let’s not forget: those are eight Internet years.
You think our schools are ready to answer questions about Dutch rudders or Brazilian fart porn? Read more
Written by Rick SneeProfiles in Sadness: Trojans on kindergartners!
Posted on June 25, 2010
Filed Under Profiles in Sadness, Sex Sells, What a Reach! | 1 Comment |
In a country where we just can’t muster the energy (ah? get it?) to be angry at BP anymore, we need a new story to enrage us. Where’s the fire? Where’s the passion? The inappropriate romance?
In Provincetown, Mass., of course. The P-town school district found itself under fire for a new sex education policy that would allow students to ask for free condoms from a school counselor without parental permission.
But the outrage isn’t over the parental permission part, not really. It’s that this policy gives condoms to children as young as six-years-old! How dare P-town give pre-adolescents the go-ahead to have sex without their parents’ permission!
And that’s where the story gets sad: they’re not simply handing them out.
Any student who asks for a condom has to go through counseling before that counselor considers giving one to the student. The policy is written so that no ages are set because, well, nobody is on the same sexual schedule, and when was the last time a parent successfully talked a moderately intelligent adolescent out of sex?
So, it looks like the school district will cave to political pressure and put an age limit on condoms, which the state doesn’t even do at drug stores. When the teacher pregnancy rate skyrockets, don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Written by Rick SneeTo B-cup, or not to B-cup
Posted on June 4, 2010
Filed Under Sex Sells | Leave a Comment |
Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, is facing a moral crisis: exposed breasts!
Police refuse to arrest the flashers for the same reason The Guys refuse to tip strippers in Alabama: no vaginas.
The breasts in question belong to transgender women who have breast implants, but also have their natural-born tallywhackers. According to Rehoboth nudity statutes:
“A male is guilty of indecent exposure if he exposes his genitals or buttocks under circumstances which he knows his conduct is likely to cause affront or alarm to another person.”
It’s possible that it is indeed nudity because, boy, do we have questions:
- According to Rehoboth law, is it nudity if the man’s genitals or butt are non-alarming and politely maintained?
- Gender aside, do the breasts count as nudity if they’re fake?
Making your cat a better lover
Posted on June 2, 2010
Filed Under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells | Leave a Comment |
There are two kinds of medical research: the kind that develops cures for diseases for the betterment of humanity, and then there’s the boner meds that pay for the loftier former.
Since this is a SeriouslyGuys post, we’re addressing your Johnson & Johnson.
Researchers have discovered a spray that could prevent premature ejaculation. That’s their phrasing. Really, it’s delaying normal ejaculation, because it’s not like the premature ejaculate goes away.
The spray incorporates lidocaine and prilocaine, so when applied to the penis it should not only reduce sensitivity for longer lovemaking, but also judo board-breaking and snake wrestling. If, however, it is applied to the eyes, then ejaculation is postponed indefinitely.
Dr Ira Sharlip, clinical professor of urology at the University of California said he got the idea from training cats.
Written by Rick SneeAl Gore’s love of metal wins out
Posted on June 1, 2010
Filed Under Sex Sells | Leave a Comment |
Al and Tipper Gore are calling it quits, surprising everyone only two weeks after their fortieth anniversary. While some can’t believe it happened so late in their marriage, most are amazed that they divorced before the Clintons.
In any case, the world has gained a single Al Gore, and–although we rarely get involved–we just can’t help but root the guy on.
So, if you’re single, too, and your sex life could use a human robot, have you considered Al Gore? Here’s what Al brings to the boudoir:
- Handmade anniversary gift certificates for back rubs and carbon emissions.
- Flights on his personal jet to any environmentally-endangered corner of the globe.
- The dirtiest cybersex in the kinkiest chat room on the Internet that he invented.
- Willingness to call “recounts” until sex ends in his favor.
- Slideshows.
- Leonardo DiCaprio.
Hope you’ve got comfortable shoes
Posted on May 24, 2010
Filed Under Sex Sells, That Wacky Australia | Leave a Comment |
You might want to rethink what you bring along with the next time you’re flying out of Australia. Anything kinkier than [use your imagination, we're only PG13] may break new laws in the country.
It would seem that tourists are now required to declare whether they’re bringing pornography into the country. If officials think your hidden inhibitions aren’t Australia-friendly, you might be looking at jail time. Ruh-roh.
And to no one’s surprise, the Australian Sex Party is outraged by this move. Which is actually understandable, when you factor in that the lack of a formal definition of pornography regarding this change means that all decisions will be literally subjective and almost never objective. Of course, that’s not to say that the intentions aren’t in the right place: the changes were essentially brought about to combat child pornography (it’s better to think about the children rather than think about the children).
Of course, we all know that old adage about the best of intentions-they just don’t apply to people that like to dress up like giraffes.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorThe birds and the teens
Posted on May 21, 2010
Filed Under Sex Sells, War on Education | Leave a Comment |
As providers of news and entertainment, The Guys listen good and hard when it comes to your tastes. In that vein, we bring you TEENAGE SEX!
Talk dirty to them
A New York City judge ruled that it was wrong for the Department of Education to suspend a sex education teacher for using vulgar terms in class. In the reading of his decision, Judge Jack Weinstein said, “At least she didn’t f#@k them.”
That’s a wrap
Washington, D.C. officials are now giving out bigger condoms to high school and college students after receiving complaints that the previous ones were too small and brittle. The male students are happier, adding that now they just need to find people to have sex with their “giant monster dongs.”