So, the next time your boss asks you to bring him a cup of coffee, don’t be disgusted because he’s clearly trying to force you into some outdated gender role. Be disgusted because he’s going to have an old man boner soon.
Like the bitter reality of orgies, it’s not looking good for Australia’s Sex Party. The only thing we know about Australian politics took a blow Thursday when they lost their registration in the Australian Election Commission. This means that, although they can still field candidates, there will be no more Sexy names on ballots or Sexy federal funding.
The problem is that, to maintain their registration, they need to either have an elected representative in the federal government or prove that they have at least 500 members. But, because most of their members don’t have home phone numbers and move around a lot, they’re having trouble keeping their confirmed numbers up.
Well, Australia, you’re not the only ones who lose if you no longer have a Sex Party. The Guys need to know that there are still sexy times in the world. So, we’re calling on all members of the Australian Sex Party to make yourselves known as publicly as possible. Get out there and show how many of you there truly are in your terrifying country.
That’s right: we’re calling for Handjobs Across Australia.
Feelings are tricky. When first experienced, they overwhelm to the point that you’ll honestly believe that you will never feel differently again, especially when it comes to loss and grieving. And then, poof, one day, you don’t feel as bad. And finally, after enough time, you feel a little silly explaining that memorial tattoo of your first cat to any new employers. It’s enough to make anyone feel a little guilty, like maybe our love wasn’t all strong that strong to begin with.
Well, if you can’t maintain the intensity of raw emotion for your lost loved ones, you can at least re-stimulate it for 3 to 15 minutes at a time, depending on your stamina and time between meetings at work. It’s all thanks to Mark Sturkenboom, who is the only man with the exact right name to create a dildo with people’s cremated ashes inside.
So, your loved ones aren’t really gone, not so long as they’re still inside of you.
Science makes all sorts of weird, unexpected discoveries in experiments where said discovery wasn’t even being tested or a even a suspected factor. A good example is when some radar technician invented the microwave by accidentally melting a candy bar in his pocket, earning himself a cool, $2.00 bonus from Raytheon, too.
We’ve always wondered why pandas can’t do what it takes to get their numbers back up. We have entire institutes dedicated to pairing them up, setting the mood with panda porn and protecting the resulting cubs from mid-siesta rollovers, and yet the giant panda is still on its way to extinction.
And now we have the answer: male pandas take too long in bed. The average panda takes 5 minutes to “get his sticky on,” and now Lu Lu — now nicknamed “the Enduring Brother” — has set a new record of 7 minutes and 45 seconds.
Lady pandas, that is way too long. We understand now.
Look, nobody’s saying people over 30 shouldn’t use Tinder. But, you’re gonna have to pay for it.
Tinder, the dating app that speeds up rejection and hook-ups through users pawing at their phones, is rolling out a premium service that gives you more chances to swipe at people. To make it more palatable to younger users, they’re using a tiered pay rate system based on age. People in their 20s will only pay $9.99 a month, while users 30 and above will pay $19.99 a month.
A South Korean court overturned a law that made adultery a criminal offense, punishable by fines or (rarely) jail time. And, seemingly overnight, at least one condom manufacturer saw stock prices surge as high as allowed for the day.
Now, The Guys are students of human behavior. It’s not like married South Koreans weren’t sleeping around. The government could have punished adultery with life imprisonment, facial branding and genital amputation and — based on the number of stonings, honor killings and damning embroidery in more punitive societies — people would still cheat on their spouses.
So, if human nature is as it has always been, then increased condom sales indicates that they’re just now using protection. Ewwww.
Take a look at yourself. You’re not getting any younger. From this point on, this is most likely the best you will look for the rest of your life, and it’s the same tomorrow and the day after, just with incrementally diminishing results.
In short, with each and every passing day, fewer people want to have sex with you. Yep, the sex train has left the station, and you’re sitting with your bags in Hoboken.
Men and rats have more in common than we would like to admit. For example, both like it when females wear lingerie.
Scientists, whom we’re just guessing are male, sought to investigate why men like it when women wear lingerie. Logically, they decided to put a lady rat in a little rat vest, then put her in a cage with a male rat for some mating. They found that the male learned to associate the female rat wearing the vest with mating.
That might mean that men have grown to like lingerie because they know they’re getting some when they see their women wearing it. Not because the ladies look good.