Send us your ugs, mate
Posted on August 18, 2008
Filed Under Sex Sells, That Wacky Australia | Leave a Comment |
Loneliness, like joy, is an international feeling. It can even reach the land of the Australian outback. The poor men in a remote mining town are finding themselves downright sad about their singularity. It is hard for men, particularly in such a Freudian line of work, to go for long stretches of time without the presence of women.
Luckily, the citizens of Sausage Fest Mount Isa can trust in their elected officials to help them out in a compassionate, professional and respectful manner. The local government understands its people and is ready to start a sensitive, mature campaign to encourage people to move there.
“May I suggest if there are five blokes to every girl, we should find out where there are beauty-disadvantaged women and ask them to proceed to Mount Isa,” said Mayor John Molony.
We know. This sounds like a win-win situation. The miners can take of their beflashlighted hats and spend time with women, even if they have to share with five other “blokes” in what will most likely result in a violation of Aussie sex laws. Also, ugly chicks will no longer have to wait until last call to find a ride home. Instead, they can capitalize on the lowered standards of the masses. Their date cards could end up being rather full, all for the low cost of moving to the middle of nowhere.
Written by Bryan McBournieMini-How To: Dump your boyfriend
Posted on August 14, 2008
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So CNN is hemming and hawing about how not dump a guy. See, the author, Judy McGuire, is worried that you’ll hurt your boyfriend’s feelings by dumping him the wrong way.
Let’s cut to the chase, shall we? There’s only one foolproof way to dump a guy without hurting his feelings: set him up with one of your hotter friends.
Which friend, you ask? The one with the biggest boobies. Or the one that decided to go to school instead of become a model. If all else fails, go with the one with the most exotically colored pubic hair.
He won’t care about anything else you have to say. Best of all, when that relationship is over, he won’t stalk you.
Once again, CNN–we’ve warned you about this before. We write the Thursday How To segments and you stick to panda stories. Deal? Deal.
Written by Rick SneeMajor sports store keeps cheerleaders in line
Posted on August 14, 2008
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Shenanigans. They’re always afoot, even in events as hallowed as football. EGADS! How horrible!
Fear not though! The New York Jets will have none of the halftime boobie flashing shenanigans that plagued their stadium last year-at least, the Sports Authority will be seeing to that. They’ll be cracking down on all things fun horrible to those around you. No more early morning tailgating. No more drunken revelries. No more alcohol! Yes, from now on, all leering must be done through proper team channels, thank you very much. Brett Favre must be so happy.
Oh. Wait a minute. You mean it’s a different Sports Authority? Oh. Well now, that changes things a bit, I’d say.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorA pair of grande mugs … to go?
Posted on August 13, 2008
Filed Under Sex Sells, Stripper News | Leave a Comment |
Long ago, SeriouslyGuys reported on a growing trend in Seattle - sexy coffee shops! Unfortunately, it seems as if the dream is dead. The craze in the Pacific Northwest for buck-naked baristas has apparently gotten out of hand as “Espresso Gone Wild” is being told to cover up or shut down. This brings a tear to many an eye. While the business owner should probably be arrested for that ridiculous name, I’m sure that the servers were nothing but innocuous at best. Won’t someone please think of the children health code violations imminent burns?
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorYou’re doing it wrong
Posted on August 11, 2008
Filed Under Sex Sells, What a Reach! | Leave a Comment |
A bunch of people who are no good at sex are claiming their replacement habits are better than “it.” Among the activities listed in the CNN article are:
- Wearing sexy shoes
- Hiking
- Mountain climbing
- Looking at a baby’s smile (pervert)
- Receiving money or praise
- Shopping
- Public speaking
- Fine dining
OK, so even if we’re gonna admit these things are really, really nice, there’s still one question: what if you’re having sex while doing all that stuff?
Porn has taught us one thing: it can’t be better than sex if you could improve it with sex. (Take that, skydiving!) (OR, take that skydiving.)
Written by Rick SneeHow To: Use a condom
Posted on July 31, 2008
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So a certain SeriouslyMom found a condom tied around the door handle of her car in the parking lot of Target in Huntsville, Alabama. It was not a used rubber (which would make it an official scum bag), but just an unpackaged and unfurled lubricated windsock.
Perplexed by this happenstance, she consulted with the most qualified behavioral experts she knew: The Guys. After ruling out gang activity, satanic worship and swim team hazing, we determined it to be a, well, crime we guess of ignorance.
You see, Alabama is a red state. Even the clay here is red (and goopy). While the stores obviously sell condoms, teenagers aren’t taught how to use them, so the items are a bit of a mystery to them. (”Why are those balloons behind the counter?”)
With this in mind, we are taking a little time out of our busy “gettin’ busy” schedules to teach them, and anyone else living in 1958, how to use a condom. Read more
Written by Rick SneePorn still not considered an art film in France
Posted on July 30, 2008
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A couple in France have been arrested for filming a porn scene on the site of a World War I memorial built for Canadian soldiers. To be fair, the excuse could be made that the memorial site does look like the kind of place where people should be having outdoor sex. Except, it doesn’t at all. Awk-ward.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorWe’ll take “Potent Potables” or “Pregnant Prostitution”
Posted on July 30, 2008
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It’s been a busy week for us here trying to keep up with all the stripper/hooker related news, but this one takes the baby cake. It’s the mother of all hooker stories. It’s so good you’ll slap your mama. Mama said knock you out, I’m gonna knock you out. Alright, finished with the puns.
If you ever wanted some baby booty, look no further than Missouri where cops busted a pregnant prostitution ring. The arrests have led to the debate that if they are pregant, are they still considered milfs?
Written by Bryan SchoolsChippendale off the old block
Posted on July 29, 2008
Filed Under Sex Sells | 1 Comment |
We know it’s a crime to impersonate a police officer, but impersonating a Chippendale dancer? That’s exactly what happened in Culpeper, VA over the weekend. According to the official Chippendale headquarters, hq, for short, Culpeper was not on the official tour. And folks, we’re thinking the same thing you are: the Rescue Rangers are on tour?
Written by Bryan SchoolsMr. T-bagged
Posted on July 28, 2008
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Honestly, it took Snickers this long to have homosexual groups force them into pulling an advertisement? Quite frankly, we don’t get it. A commercial of Mr. T shooting chocolate bars filled with nuts at an effeminate looking speed walker? Not phallic or remotely gay in the least.
For further fun with this ad, and not to mention to add to the growing homophobia surrounding it. Check out this site running for the Mr. T commercials. We’d like to make a joke about the “Loud and Proud” section, or the fact that they could have incorporated everyone, and just had “The Gay-Team,” but we have more class than that.
Going to be a while? Mr. T pities tha fool!
Written by Bryan Schools keep looking »