App plays music to keep you on rhythm during sex

It’s happened to everyone: you’re putting on some music to set the mood, only to find out that your selection just doesn’t have the beat you’re going for. Bed Beats is here to make this slight inconvenience a thing of the past.

Bed Beats is an app that’s been around for a year or so, but is only getting press now. It plays a the genre of music that you want, at the tempo you want for getting it on. No more getting offbeat (or the other way around) in bed, which someone out there must think is an issue. But if you think Bed Beats is some clever app that selects songs you’ve heard of based on their tempos, you’re wrong. It just has a selection of beats from different genres of music, and you can make it play faster or slower.

This is also helpful if you like to rap while doing it.

Olympic rings: Condom makers look forward to 2020 Games

We’re still two years away from the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo, but condom manufacturers in Japan are getting excited.

Olympics athletes are given condoms during the games to help promote safe sex. Japanese condom makers are ready for the chance to show off their products, which are just 0.001 millimeters thick. Japan boasts to have thinnest rubbers in the world, and it plans to show off its world-class product in Olympic village.

That means everyone is ramping up production now to make sure they have enough on hand when the games open. It really is an international celebration.

Bangkok is sinking because of its brothels

Bangkok, it’s the city so nice they named it exactly what it does. But did you know that it’s sinking? Turns out the one thing you know about the city is what’s to blame.

Thai police are cracking down on Bangkok’s world-famous brothels, but not for the underage sex workers and other illicit activities (that’s a separate crackdown). Authorities want the brothels to stop illegally tapping into groundwater, rather than paying for utilities, for use in their “soapy massages” for clients. The draining of these underground aquifers is causing the city to sink, they say.

Once again, the brothel districts in Bangkok are so seedy that not even the water is legal.

Ask Dr. Snee: Overcoming your shortcomings

"It was tiny, and it looked like this!"
“It was tiny, and it looked like this!”

I always wondered if women really cared about, you know, size, and it turns out that they totally do! I’m not exactly the biggest guy around, so what do I do now?
Paul, but Fierce

Whether it’s a big penis or big set of “projecting lateral tubercles,” the ladies are all about size, Paul. It’s what put the “selective” in “selective breeding,” like picking out the least warty cucumber that can also feed a family of four.

But that doesn’t mean your smaller penis pulls you out of the running.

Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Overcoming your shortcomings

Meaty flavor

The internet’s obsession with bacon and willingness to promote outrageous items has finally come to a head. Thanks to the great hive-mind, we can now purchase bacon-flavored condoms.

Just days after Bill Gates issued the call for a “next-generation condom,” we may already have a winner. J&D’s has given us the bacon-flavored condom, because we all enjoy licking prophylactics.

How could the pope possibly condemn condoms now?

Why you should care about the health of otters

You guys, we need to clean up the environment like right now. It all has to do with the health of otter penises.

According to a recent study by the Cardiff University Otter Project, otter male organs are shrinking as a direct result of pollution. The otters, however, insisted it was just that the water was cold.

Now, this blog isn’t one to give a rat’s ass about an otter’s penis, but scientists are worried the same could happen to human male dudes. The theory is that the more chemicals that get into the water and air, the more wildlife consume, and some of those chemicals are affecting their bodies in bad ways. That means the same could happen to us.

For the record, pollution has yet to affect The Guys, since we flush the bad chemicals from our bodies with alcohol.

Dangerous bikini coffee terrorist operation finally put to an end

There are exactly two ways to look at this:

  1. It used to be all you could get was a double soy latte. Now, the horrors of a double breast smooch mocha cappuccino have been put to rest as brave enforcers of the law have finally arrested individuals serving more than just coffee.
  2. The law enforcement for city of Everett, Washington, used taxpayer dollars to fund a two-month-long sting operation of a bikini barista coffee house.

We’ll let you all be the judge.

Boring conversation with NASA anyway

This is the greatest sexually transmitted threat to Earth since Mission Commander George "Bright Eyes" Taylor nearly overran the Earth with damn, dirty superapes.
This is the greatest sexually transmitted threat to Earth since Mission Commander George “Bright Eyes” Taylor nearly overran the Earth with damn, dirty super-apes.

NASA ground controllers briefly lost contact with astronauts aboard the International Space Station on Tuesday. The sexy pinnacles of American, Russian and Canadian physical and mental prowess were left unattended for three hours due to a computer problem.

Who knows what they were doing up there, all alone, with no supervision, gravity or rules …

We, the people of Earth, welcome the U.S.-Russian-(really?) Canadian blackout super-baby as our new overlord.

(Yes, The Guys are fully aware that all six members of the current ISS crew are men. But, who knows what space radiation does to a man, and have you seen Chris Hadfield’s Swanson of a mustache? Who could quit that?)

Things go from sexy to stabby

This post contains sex and violence, but we know you’re at work, so we will try to keep it as PG as we can, so as to elude your company’s filters.

In Fargo, North Dakota, known as a land of excitement, especially this time of year (yesterday’s high was 0 degrees Fahrenheit), a couple of friends recently went out to a bar and ended up bringing back the same lady. According to police reports, Ashley Hunter, 33, and Orlando DeWitt, 37, proceeded to do the wobbly H with the woman, until Hunter wanted to switch off. DeWitt refused the trade and an argument started.

That’s when Hunter grabbed a 12-inch butcher knife out of the couch (which is the best place to keep them) and stabbed DeWitt in the arm, which really killed the mood, according to police. The woman said the knife was more like 8 inches.

Two fewer reasons to watch the Grammys this year

Chris Brown, who was nominated yet again this year, plans to beat up anybody who tells him to button his shirt. (So long as they're a woman or gay, of course.)
Chris Brown, who was nominated yet again this year, plans to beat up anybody who tells him to button his shirt. (So long as they’re a woman or gay, of course.)

For those who plan to watch the 55th Annual¬† Grammy Awards, but worry about how the artists being honored on it will offend your sensibilities, don’t you fret: CBS has got this s**t covered. And by s**t, we mean “buttock crack” and “female breast nipples.”

The broadcasting company distributed a memo to all invited attendees, advising them to keep their “buttocks and female breasts […] adequately covered.” This is best accomplished by eschewing “thong-type dresses” and outfits with “bare sides or under curvature of the breasts.” (We’re still talking about female breasts, right? Can Diddy still wear a plunging neckline?)

Viewers will have to settle for being offended by whatever the attendees say in acceptance speeches and the lyrics of their songs, instead. You know, because music is terrible now, but god forbid you find something better to watch than an awards show.