Category: Sex Sells

| Posted in Sex Sells

LinkedIn users no longer do it for the money

Thanks to this cash, I can't even smell the ass on my knuckles.
With this cash in the way, I can’t even smell the ass on my knuckles anymore.

Let’s say you choose to do something distasteful on a daily basis on the condition that you’re paid for it. Maybe you didn’t plan on cleaning porta-johns, but, hey, the money’s good. Or maybe you’re writing copy for a company you don’t particularly like, say a weapons manufacturer, but it beats suckin’ dicks for a living, right?

It’s not like you’re a prostitute, even though the only difference between you is whether you take a shower every hour (or choose not to when you should). The mere implication that you accept money like a whore is insulting, right?

That’s what LinkedIn says, anyway, about actual sex workers. They’re not allowed to use the online spam service to network in their chosen career field. Of course, LinkedIn still offers the option to endorse other users for “prostitution,” so they can’t be t–

… You just left this page to endorse all your former bosses and coworkers for “prostitution,” didn’t you?

[Special thanks to Anthony S.]

| Posted in Sex Sells

We may finally get to see the Arctic naked

Nothing gets the Arctic hotter than melting ice during foreplay.
Nothing gets the Arctic hotter than melting ice during foreplay.

At long last, after 10,000 years of teasing human beings, the Arctic may finally reveal what’s under all that ice.

When asked what changed after keeping humans in the “temperate zone” for so long, the Arctic revealed that we have finally, thanks to the Industrial Revolution, almost gotten her hot enough to show us her ample shelf and hidden forest. Recent measurements compared to findings from a Siberian meteor site show the same amount of greenhouse gasses in our atmosphere as the last time the Arctic bared all for some very lucky dinosaurs.

So what happens next? The Arctic gets wet. Very wet. So wet that the oceans should rise about 130 feet. And once you get the planet moist, it’ll only get hotter, because those darker waters retain more heat.

So, our long wait is almost over. We may even go “all the way” with her in our own lifetimes.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, Picture of the Day, Sex Sells, War on Animals

Sheep with built-in mood lighting

This sheep exists as a warning to never drink the highlighter water out of old liquor bottles.
This sheep exists as a warning to never drink the highlighter water out of old liquor bottles.

Shepherds who tend flocks of sheep at night (sure, “night flocking”) will have an easier time finding their girlfriends, and it’s all thanks to science and its ongoing mission to make everything glow.

Researchers at the Animal Reproduction Institute of Uruguay inserted genes from the Aequorea victoria jellyfish into specially bred sheep. When exposed to UV light, the sheep glow a bright yellowish-green color.

We hope this trend continues until eventually all animals glow under black lights. It’ll make it easier to identify our enemies in the War on Animals, especially because they’re nearly immune to questioning. (Just try getting answers out of a stoat. They’re notoriously tight-lipped.)

| Posted in Sex Sells, War on Animals

Don’t run from the bears

Hikers provide the fiber mating bears and wolves don't often get through their native diet thanks to beards, fedoras, backpacks and walking sticks.
Hikers provide the fiber mating bears and wolves don’t often get through their native diet thanks to beards, fedoras, backpacks and walking sticks.

If you’ve ever done it by an open window, then you know that nothing kills the mood quite like joggers. That’s why three wildlife refuges in Oregon have erected “no jogging” signs: to keep the animals porking.

Although running has been banned for some time now in the parks, the signs will make everyone aware of the existing rule. Other banned activities that distract animals and hinder the procreative process are riding bicycles and horses and bringing pets. (So, that’s no running, horseplay or outside food — just like at the pool.)

Hiking, however, is still OK because it’s slower and, therefore, less stressful to animals. Slow-moving hikers are also a convenient for pre-, mid- and post-coital snacking.

| Posted in Ask Dr. Snee, Sex Sells, Take it from Snee

Ask Dr. Snee: Overcoming your shortcomings

"It was tiny, and it looked like this!"
“It was tiny, and it looked like this!”

I always wondered if women really cared about, you know, size, and it turns out that they totally do! I’m not exactly the biggest guy around, so what do I do now?
Paul, but Fierce

Whether it’s a big penis or big set of “projecting lateral tubercles,” the ladies are all about size, Paul. It’s what put the “selective” in “selective breeding,” like picking out the least warty cucumber that can also feed a family of four.

But that doesn’t mean your smaller penis pulls you out of the running.

Continue reading →

| Posted in Sex Sells

Meaty flavor

The internet’s obsession with bacon and willingness to promote outrageous items has finally come to a head. Thanks to the great hive-mind, we can now purchase bacon-flavored condoms.

Just days after Bill Gates issued the call for a “next-generation condom,” we may already have a winner. J&D’s has given us the bacon-flavored condom, because we all enjoy licking prophylactics.

How could the pope possibly condemn condoms now?

| Posted in Sex Sells

Why you should care about the health of otters

You guys, we need to clean up the environment like right now. It all has to do with the health of otter penises.

According to a recent study by the Cardiff University Otter Project, otter male organs are shrinking as a direct result of pollution. The otters, however, insisted it was just that the water was cold.

Now, this blog isn’t one to give a rat’s ass about an otter’s penis, but scientists are worried the same could happen to human male dudes. The theory is that the more chemicals that get into the water and air, the more wildlife consume, and some of those chemicals are affecting their bodies in bad ways. That means the same could happen to us.

For the record, pollution has yet to affect The Guys, since we flush the bad chemicals from our bodies with alcohol.

| Posted in Sex Sells

Dangerous bikini coffee terrorist operation finally put to an end

There are exactly two ways to look at this:

  1. It used to be all you could get was a double soy latte. Now, the horrors of a double breast smooch mocha cappuccino have been put to rest as brave enforcers of the law have finally arrested individuals serving more than just coffee.
  2. The law enforcement for city of Everett, Washington, used taxpayer dollars to fund a two-month-long sting operation of a bikini barista coffee house.

We’ll let you all be the judge.

| Posted in Sex Sells

Boring conversation with NASA anyway

This is the greatest sexually transmitted threat to Earth since Mission Commander George "Bright Eyes" Taylor nearly overran the Earth with damn, dirty superapes.
This is the greatest sexually transmitted threat to Earth since Mission Commander George “Bright Eyes” Taylor nearly overran the Earth with damn, dirty super-apes.

NASA ground controllers briefly lost contact with astronauts aboard the International Space Station on Tuesday. The sexy pinnacles of American, Russian and Canadian physical and mental prowess were left unattended for three hours due to a computer problem.

Who knows what they were doing up there, all alone, with no supervision, gravity or rules …

We, the people of Earth, welcome the U.S.-Russian-(really?) Canadian blackout super-baby as our new overlord.

(Yes, The Guys are fully aware that all six members of the current ISS crew are men. But, who knows what space radiation does to a man, and have you seen Chris Hadfield’s Swanson of a mustache? Who could quit that?)