Category: Sex Sells

| Filed under Sex Sells

Even ketchup is kinky in Germany

Remember those six months QR codes were hot? Apparently they’re still a thing in Germany, and they’re making ketchup sexy again.

A man scanned the QR code on his bottle of ketchup to learn more about a contest Heinz had going on. He was surprised when it turned out that the code led him to an adult site (SFW), but we assume that’s just how things are in Germany. As it turns out, Heinz ran the contest from 2012 to 2014, and after it ended, the company didn’t think it was necessary to maintain ownership rights to the site.

So if you have any ketchup bottles from last year, you may get a special surprise from Heinz.

| Filed under Booze News, Sex Sells

Don’t worry, the alcohol kills the germs

If you’re like the guys, you enjoy a nice glass of whisky, but you’re always in search of the next whisky gimmick. You’ve had shipwreck whisky, whisky aged in barrels at sea, whisky aged in barrels that held some sort of wine, and you’ve even dabbled in flavored whisky.

Enter Whisky by X, the only whisky available today that has been poured over the body of an adult film star. Yes, you buy a bottle of Whisky by X, you don’t just get a quality 12-year-old blend that’s “diamond and gold filtered,” it’s actually run down the body of either Tori Black or Joy Van Velsen (SFW). We’re sure they have distinct tastes. And it’s yours for just $130 a bottle.

Unfortunately, Whisky by X makes no guarantee that it won’t affect your performance the way other whiskies do.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

The best part of getting it up

"You do not want to see my penis before my morning coffee."
“You do not want to see my penis before my morning coffee.”

Most people claim that nothing happens before they have their daily coffee. And one of those things might be erections. And, no, we don’t mean construction work. We mean your penis.

Researchers from the University of Texas found a 42 percent reduction in erectile dysfunction in men who drank between 171mg and 303mg of caffeine a day, or roughly two cups of coffee.

So, the next time your boss asks you to bring him a cup of coffee, don’t be disgusted because he’s clearly trying to force you into some outdated gender role. Be disgusted because he’s going to have an old man boner soon.

Penis.

| Filed under Scurry (Politics), Sex Sells, That Wacky Australia

Australia’s Sex Party gets cockblocked

Stay strong, Australian Sex Party. If not for us, stay strong for Australian Chris Pratt.
Stay strong, Australian Sex Party. If not for us, stay strong for Australian Chris Pratt.

Like the bitter reality of orgies, it’s not looking good for Australia’s Sex Party. The only thing we know about Australian politics took a blow Thursday when they lost their registration in the Australian Election Commission. This means that, although they can still field candidates, there will be no more Sexy names on ballots or Sexy federal funding.

The problem is that, to maintain their registration, they need to either have an elected representative in the federal government or prove that they have at least 500 members. But, because most of their members don’t have home phone numbers and move around a lot, they’re having trouble keeping their confirmed numbers up.

Well, Australia, you’re not the only ones who lose if you no longer have a Sex Party. The Guys need to know that there are still sexy times in the world. So, we’re calling on all members of the Australian Sex Party to make yourselves known as publicly as possible. Get out there and show how many of you there truly are in your terrifying country.

That’s right: we’re calling for Handjobs Across Australia.

| Filed under He's Dead, Jim, Sex Sells

They’ll live on inside of you forever

"What's taking so long in there?" "I'm lamenting!"
“What’s taking so long in there?”
“I’m lamenting!”

Feelings are tricky. When first experienced, they overwhelm to the point that you’ll honestly believe that you will never feel differently again, especially when it comes to loss and grieving. And then, poof, one day, you don’t feel as bad. And finally, after enough time, you feel a little silly explaining that memorial tattoo of your first cat to any new employers. It’s enough to make anyone feel a little guilty, like maybe our love wasn’t all strong that strong to begin with.

Well, if you can’t maintain the intensity of raw emotion for your lost loved ones, you can at least re-stimulate it for 3 to 15 minutes at a time, depending on your stamina and time between meetings at work. It’s all thanks to Mark Sturkenboom, who is the only man with the exact right name to create a dildo with people’s cremated ashes inside.

So, your loved ones aren’t really gone, not so long as they’re still inside of you.

| Filed under Headline of the Day, It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

For better health, think outside the box

We are relieved, though, that our hypertension risk wasn't raised by what we thought the headline was about.
We are relieved, though, that our hypertension risk wasn’t raised by what we thought the headline was about.

There are ways to convince people to read about your research. And then there are headlines like today’s Headline of the Day: “Eating Out Frequently May Be Linked To High Blood Pressure.”

Congratulations, University Herald. You got The Guys to read about how young Southeast Asians who dine out at restaurants more than at home experience greater chances of hypertension.

But, you don’t want to see what we Googled after your disappointment.

Bonus, Really Out of Context Quote:

‘Our research plugs that gap.’

Vagina.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

If they’ll make you a sandwich, they’ll probably put out

Lifehack: Tucking antibiotics into grilled cheese is an easy way to help bad pill swallowers take their VD meds.
Lifehack: Tucking antibiotics into grilled cheese is an easy way to help bad pill swallowers take their VD meds.

Science makes all sorts of weird, unexpected discoveries in experiments where said discovery wasn’t even being tested or a even a suspected factor. A good example is when some radar technician invented the microwave by accidentally melting a candy bar in his pocket, earning himself a cool, $2.00 bonus from Raytheon, too.

In that tradition, researchers at some social networking site we’ve never heard of (so it must be parent-free) called Skout discovered, while asking people about their grilled cheese habits, that 32 percent people who love grilled cheese have sex at least six times a month, but only 27 percent of non-grilled cheese lovers do the same.

It’s also possible that people who eat a lot of grilled cheese do so because it’s the only food they can afford with their sexy, sexy lifestyle.

| Filed under Sex Sells, War on Animals

New record: 7 minutes, 45 seconds of neutral-shaded lovin’

Jeez, Lu Lu. Maybe get Zhen Zhen in the extended mood by singing "Fields of Gold" first.
Jeez, Lu Lu. Maybe get Zhen Zhen in the extended mood first by singing “Fields of Gold.”

We’ve always wondered why pandas can’t do what it takes to get their numbers back up. We have entire institutes dedicated to pairing them up, setting the mood with panda porn and protecting the resulting cubs from mid-siesta rollovers, and yet the giant panda is still on its way to extinction.

Of course, pandas aren’t helping themselves. Between faking pregnancies, avoiding weddings (and if you can’t get laid at a wedding, you must be the priest) and just being sexually unavailable, we can only wonder what in the wild world of panda porkin’ is going on.

And now we have the answer: male pandas take too long in bed. The average panda takes 5 minutes to “get his sticky on,” and now Lu Lu — now nicknamed “the Enduring Brother” — has set a new record of 7 minutes and 45 seconds.

Lady pandas, that is way too long. We understand now.

| Filed under Sex Sells

Paying the price for dating in your 30s

No word on whether Tinder Plus will be available for the Jitterbug OS.
No word on whether Tinder Plus will be available for the Jitterbug OS.

Look, nobody’s saying people over 30 shouldn’t use Tinder. But, you’re gonna have to pay for it.

Tinder, the dating app that speeds up rejection and hook-ups through users pawing at their phones, is rolling out a premium service that gives you more chances to swipe at people. To make it more palatable to younger users, they’re using a tiered pay rate system based on age. People in their 20s will only pay $9.99 a month, while users 30 and above will pay $19.99 a month.

(Even for 20-year-olds, that’s more than a Netflix membership, and Netflix at least guarantees you’ll see a boob on Orange is the New Black.)

So, your choices are to be creepy on Tinder or get thee to eHarmony.

| Filed under Sex Sells

Joanie openly loves married Chachi

We're reporting live from Joanie's pelvis, and it appears that Chachi is unprotected.
We’re reporting live from inside Joanie’s pelvis, and it appears that Chachi is unprotected.

A South Korean court overturned a law that made adultery a criminal offense, punishable by fines or (rarely) jail time. And, seemingly overnight, at least one condom manufacturer saw stock prices surge as high as allowed for the day.

Now, The Guys are students of human behavior. It’s not like married South Koreans weren’t sleeping around. The government could have punished adultery with life imprisonment, facial branding and genital amputation and — based on the number of stonings, honor killings and damning embroidery in more punitive societies — people would still cheat on their spouses.

So, if human nature is as it has always been, then increased condom sales indicates that they’re just now using protection. Ewwww.