We always wondered what it would be like to talk with animals. It turns out that animals can talk, we just didn’t listen. Fortunately, they finally found the only means of communicating that — as women will attest — The Guys will pay attention to: great tits!
Scientists studied the calls of Japanese great tits (with that distinction, we’re obviously talking about birds) and discovered that they use combinations of chirps to convey complicated messages. Basically, they use syntax — grammar and vocabulary — just like people, albeit with far less of each and fewer stupid rules carried over from Latin.
So, we’re now retroactively offended every time a couple of tits refuse to speak English in front of us. You just know they’re squawking something about the tops of our heads.
Despite conservatives’ hopes and prayers, legalizing gay marriage does not lead to government-sanctioned man-on-turtle relationships. Germany has legally recognized same-sex unions since 2001 and allowed same-sex couples to adopt children since 2004, but the nation’s constitutional court ruled that you still can’t legally f*ck any species but Homo Sapiens.
It turns out that having sex when you’re older can help you fight off dementia, according to a recent study. (We know thinking about old people and sex isn’t a great way to hook you, but this information could come in handy years from now, so read on.)
“Science says you have to bang me if you want me to remember you in the morning,” is now an acceptable and true line for you to use when you’re over 50. And there’s nothing wrong with preventative measures if you’re younger.
In the age of social media, it’s hard to hire anybody who doesn’t have a nude or scandalous picture online somewhere. That said, it should be obvious when they have an IMDb page filled with titles like Timegate: Tales of the Saddle Tramps, Radio Erotica and Deviant Whores. Still, the future leader of the free world managed to hire someone with that C.V. for his latest ad.
Sen. Ted Cruz’s campaign cast Amy Lindsay in an ad where people in group therapy talk about their regret of once supporting fellow Sen. Marco Rubio. (We assume she got the role because of her work as Dr. Karin Clemens in 2003’s Insatiable Desires.)
The Cruz campaign stressed that had they “known of her full filmography, we obviously would not have let her appear in the ad.” To be clear, her entire filmography stretches from 1994 to present with entries like Carnal Wishes as recent as 2015.
But, we’re sure that the Cruz administration won’t accidentally put, say, an Al Qaeda operative in charge of the CIA. You know, unless Mr. Bildin al-Bombir hides his past terrorism by including every bombing he helped plan on his LinkedIn account.
State lawmakers in Kansas, including Sen. Mitch Holmes, are red-faced over women’s attire in the state house. At first, they were blushing due to reports of low-cut tops and mini-skirts, and then after being thoroughly lashed with the keyboards of the Tumblrazzi for slut-shaming.
Holmes and his fellow Republicans received criticism for only addressing women’s inappropriate attire, but not men’s. So, from here on out, men no longer have to wear pants, jacket and tie in the state house, but can now wear tank tops and shorts with hems halfway up the knee.
That’s right, men of Kansas’ law: dress for the job you want, which is giving up your self-worth in return for lobbyists’ money.
In what is clearly a sign from the cosmos that certain things just aren’t meant to be, Mohammed Abad was injured in a car accident. He suffered a concussion, a broken ankle and some head wounds. The good news is that it wasn’t as bad as the car accident he was in as a child, in which he lost his original penis.
So Abad and his date, Charlotte Rose, will have to reschedule. Keep the champagne corked for now, everyone.
Now 43, Mohammed Abad lost his original penis in a car accident. In recent years, the Scottish man had a new, eight-inch-long bionic one installed, because why not go big? But it has only recently because fully functional. He has selected Charlotte Rose, a sex worker, to take his V card. (Also, prostitution is legal in the U.K.?)
The two are to meet up in London this week, and the lady will not be charging for her time. Abad will soon learn that that’s what women always say.
What do we have in common with the turkeys we’re about to cook next week? What? No, we didn’t even notice your warbler. It’s that the most accurate way to take our temperature is through the flesh. Or, if you don’t want to stab someone (Dr. Carson), in da’ butt.
There are some dirty places in Wyoming, and the state wants people to know that some of those dirty places are infected.
The state health department began an STD awareness campaign recently, which included buying billboard reading, “Wyoming has gonorrhea. Do you?” The sign attracted a lot of attention, but unfortunately not the kind it wanted. Wyoming’s gonorrhea sign went viral (heh), and it offended some people.
So much pressure built up that the sign was taken down last week. Now the world may never know if Wyoming has any other diseases.