Science: Don’t move in with your partner

So you and your significant other are really happy and you’ve decided to move in together. Congratulations! Hope you’re not planning on having sex anymore.

According to a recent study, cohabitation with a partner leads to decreased sexual interest in that person, regardless of gender. The study did find that women were more likely to lose interest in sex than men (tell us about it), but both genders were affected. Researchers believe this is because the longer a relationship lasts, the more likely it is to turn from passion to compassion.

The guys have a simpler theory: You share a bathroom with someone for a while and eventually you stop finding them sexy.

Are Millennials killing boobs?

One of the oldest traditions in humanity is the older generation worrying about the younger generation, and complaining that they are ruining everything. It doesn’t take much to see that it’s just the fear of being replaced that drives it, but maybe this one time Millennials really are ruining something good.

According to a new study, Millennials just aren’t into boobs the way other generations have been (SFW). Visitors of the site Pornhub ages 18 to 24 are 19% less likely to search for breasts than any age group older than them. Meanwhile, visitors 55 to 64 are 17% more likely to search for boobs.

It’s time for us to take an honest look at our society and ask ourselves if we’re really doing all we can to raise the next generation right.

Nuclear plant wants you to vote in intern bikini contest

It’s the summer time, which means interns are flocking to businesses around the world. It also means that adults who should know better are being really creepy.

In the Czech Republic, the folks at the Temelin nuclear power plant wanted to democratize the intern selection process by having Facebook vote on which high school graduate looked better in a bikini. CEZ, the company that runs the plant, posted 10 pictures of potential female interns posing at one of the facility’s cooling towers. The winner will be named Bouncer of Energy, which probably loses something in the translation, but still maintains a degree of creepiness.

Naturally, the idea of choosing an intern based on their physical appearance was roundly criticized. In more woke nations like the US, we just make them work all summer for no pay.

Endangerous Tinder liaisons last chance to save white rhino

It’ll take at least $9 million dollars to convince these handlers to jack off a rhino. Donate today.

We suspect that Kenya doesn’t use Tinder much. Because, if they did, they’d know that most people aren’t using the app to get pregnant. Nearly the opposite, in fact. But, if the Ol Pejeta conservatory is aware that most casual hookups aren’t looking to continue their species, they aren’t showing it in their latest attempt to save the white rhino: a Tinder profile for Sudan, the last known male of his kind.

The conservatory needs to raise $9 million dollars to extract Sudan’s sperm and fertilize eggs from two of the last female white rhinos. They tried the old-fashioned way, but apparently Sudan wasn’t able to make a successful connection. (Be careful swiping right, ladies. Ol’ Softdick’s likely to call you a “whore” if you don’t respond to his messages right away.)

Surprisingly, though, the profile/marketing gimmick is working. Tinder users in 190 countries have swiped right on Sudan’s profile — so many that they crashed Ol Pejeta’s Web site, which is where the app redirects hornballs.* So, if you thought you were going to get with 6 feet and 5,000 pounds of horny fury, you’re not only going have to settle for 5’8, 195 pound Chad, but you might not even get to help Sudan.

And, hey, who knows? Maybe Sudan will be able to get it up again for his fans once the pressure’s off to make a baby.

Robots need love, too

Robots are taking our jobs, and will eventually rise up and enslave us one day. But can they be fun in the meantime? We create robots to disarm bombs or fly and drop bombs. We build some robots to look like us, so we don’t feel lonely. And because we’re humans and it’s what we do, we’re working to build sexy robots. But what if they’re not in the mood?

A Spanish engineer has created a robot that you can have sex with, but you have to get it in the mood. “Samantha” looks like a mannequin, but apparently is anatomically correct, and needs some romance and even hugging and kissing in order to get turned on. Also, she likes to plan Ed Sheeran songs on Pandora.

If this hasn’t made you question why Samantha even exists, she can be yours for just over $5,000, which can probably buy you better companionship with real people.

Study: Netflix is C-blocking you

Technology has shaped the modern world, and it has brought us a golden age of entertainment. But these technological advancements come with a steep price. “Netflix and chill” might be a lie, it turns out.

According to a new study, we’re not having as much sex as we used to. In fact, if you’re married, you’re in the biggest sexual rut of your life. (We’re not saying it, science is saying it.) In 1990, American married couples had sex an average of 73 times a year, but that dropped to just 55 times a year in 2014. Among the reasons for this decline in sexual activity researchers blamed were on-demand entertainment, such as your DVR, Netflix or even YouTube. Because we’re not as bored at night, we’re no longer turning to our spouses for entertainment.

Also listed as a C-block was having children. Parents are having kids later in life these days, and taking care of young kids really kills the mood.

This raises the question: Being a parent might extend your life, but is that life really worth living?

Straight men winning orgasm war

Also surprising to The Guys: just because she yells doesn’t mean she had an orgasm.

Research proves what we’ve always known about sex: men consistently come first. Of all the polled participants, straight men finish 95 percent in all sexual encounters, followed by gay men (89 percent), bisexual men (88 percent), lesbian women (86 percent), bisexual women (66 percent) and straight women (65 percent). Basically, once a dude is in the equation, women get the shaft and that’s about it because even lesbians earned a solid B.

What’s causing women to come second or never at all?

One cause is how good dudes are at sex, because our efficient one to 15 minutes of beer-flavored passion is not enough of a tantric marathon for most women. More than 30 minutes provides the highest frequency of women’s orgasms, so that’s gonna call for orange slices, ladies.

Another reason is oral sex — as in, it’s not just for birthdays and anniversaries unless that’s also only when you’re giving orgasms. Without it, only 35 percent of women finish. With it, they tie with lesbians — 86 percent, which pretty much proves how barely necessary penises are.

But, the most important factor: communication. 45 percent of women who asked for what they want reported finishing “usually to always.” 25 percent who did not ask for anything got just that — having orgasms “rarely to never.” So, if we could suggest what to ask for: ask for a lesbian.

Swedish town may enact the paid funch

Sweden, the land of cheap furniture and imaginary terrorist attacks, could soon have another great thing going for it.

One town council member there has suggested that citizens be allowed to take an hour off from work to go home and bang. Sweden already has a mandated coffee breaks during the day, but this could take things a step further. Under the proposal, workers would have a paid one-hour break to go home and spend time with their partner, and we all know what that really means. Critics say the rule would be unenforceable, as workers could simply spend their paid break doing anything.

Besides, they should only need a minute or two, or is that just us?

SeriouslyGuys knows more than dick jokes

Aren’t there enough eggs up there already?

SeriouslyLadies, The Guys would never presume to tell you what to do with your body. We firmly believe that whatever you choose is between you, your doctor and your book club. But, if we could offer a little advice? Maybe don’t stick jade up your vagina.

We may not have labia or be Gwyneth Paltrow, but — if we did — we’d keep the shortlist of vaginal accouterments to surgical, hypoallergenic and (we can’t stress this enough) non-porous materials. Because, apparently, Ms. Paltrow’s advice to go hands-free with jade eggs is not medically advisable or deliver any of her Goop-y promises.

A jade egg won’t make you more orgasmic, unless you’re counting newly colonized organisms that caught a lift in the microscopic fissures in its surface. And it won’t make your vaginal contractions stronger — you’ll have to open jars the old-fashioned way.

As for sticking anything inside of us, we always follow our ear doctor’s advice: nothing smaller than our elbows.

Minty-fresh, gonorrhea-free

I mean, your mouth was full already.

As mentioned earlier, we’re about three months deep in the official holiday season, which means peppermint-flavored everything that goes in your mouth. And now, we really mean everything, because Listerine could help prevent sexually transmitted infections (STIs) of antibiotic-resistant bacterial gonorrhea.

Not only does Listerine kill bacterial gonorrhea in culture dishes, but when gargled by 196 men being treated for gonorrheal throat infections, 80 percent of those men were gonorrhea-free five minutes later.

So, it looks like we’ll be putting out a peppermint stick for Ol’ Saint Nick when he’s coming down our chimney now.

(Apologies to Andy Williams, but … you know what? No. Andy got that song stuck in our heads and now we’re ruining it with Aquafresh-flavored dick. Deal with it.)