Science makes all sorts of weird, unexpected discoveries in experiments where said discovery wasn’t even being tested or a even a suspected factor. A good example is when some radar technician invented the microwave by accidentally melting a candy bar in his pocket, earning himself a cool, $2.00 bonus from Raytheon, too.
We’ve always wondered why pandas can’t do what it takes to get their numbers back up. We have entire institutes dedicated to pairing them up, setting the mood with panda porn and protecting the resulting cubs from mid-siesta rollovers, and yet the giant panda is still on its way to extinction.
And now we have the answer: male pandas take too long in bed. The average panda takes 5 minutes to “get his sticky on,” and now Lu Lu — now nicknamed “the Enduring Brother” — has set a new record of 7 minutes and 45 seconds.
Lady pandas, that is way too long. We understand now.
Look, nobody’s saying people over 30 shouldn’t use Tinder. But, you’re gonna have to pay for it.
Tinder, the dating app that speeds up rejection and hook-ups through users pawing at their phones, is rolling out a premium service that gives you more chances to swipe at people. To make it more palatable to younger users, they’re using a tiered pay rate system based on age. People in their 20s will only pay $9.99 a month, while users 30 and above will pay $19.99 a month.
A South Korean court overturned a law that made adultery a criminal offense, punishable by fines or (rarely) jail time. And, seemingly overnight, at least one condom manufacturer saw stock prices surge as high as allowed for the day.
Now, The Guys are students of human behavior. It’s not like married South Koreans weren’t sleeping around. The government could have punished adultery with life imprisonment, facial branding and genital amputation and — based on the number of stonings, honor killings and damning embroidery in more punitive societies — people would still cheat on their spouses.
So, if human nature is as it has always been, then increased condom sales indicates that they’re just now using protection. Ewwww.
Take a look at yourself. You’re not getting any younger. From this point on, this is most likely the best you will look for the rest of your life, and it’s the same tomorrow and the day after, just with incrementally diminishing results.
In short, with each and every passing day, fewer people want to have sex with you. Yep, the sex train has left the station, and you’re sitting with your bags in Hoboken.
Men and rats have more in common than we would like to admit. For example, both like it when females wear lingerie.
Scientists, whom we’re just guessing are male, sought to investigate why men like it when women wear lingerie. Logically, they decided to put a lady rat in a little rat vest, then put her in a cage with a male rat for some mating. They found that the male learned to associate the female rat wearing the vest with mating.
That might mean that men have grown to like lingerie because they know they’re getting some when they see their women wearing it. Not because the ladies look good.
We may think of animals that live in the Antarctic as cute, and because they live so far away from us, we may not consider them a threat. We should. Turns out they’re trying to create a master race of seal-penguins.
Researchers observing Antarctic wildlife reported and recorded numerous instances of fur seals chasing down and copulating with king penguins, and the flightless birds did not seem to consent, either. This has to stop. They are attempting to create a new weapon against us, and besides, we shouldn’t condone sexual harassment in any form.
Taking a break from their perpetual contact high, Dutch scientists examined kissing. And they found that your average 10-second Freedom Kiss can transfer up to 80 million bacteria between participants.
To figure out what transfers most readily from tongue-to-tongue contact, the scientists had one participant from each pair drink a probiotic drink. And, based on the results, they hope to one day use this research to help “design future bacterial therapies and help people with troublesome bacterial problems.”
So, if you don’t like yogurt, you could always try making out with Jamie Lee Curtis.*
Everyone wishes they had more vacation time (except for Americans, who don’t use a great deal of theirs), but some of them want it so much that they would give up on the things that make vacations so much fun.
According to a not-very-scientific survey, nearly a quarter of workers would go without sex for just one more day of vacation. That’s just crazy talk, the internet is proof of that. Meanwhile 54% said they could go without junk food, showing once again that no Americans participated in the survey. When it comes to booze, a whopping 48% said they would be OK without it, as long as they got 24 more hours of being paid not to work.