State lawmakers in Kansas, including Sen. Mitch Holmes, are red-faced over women’s attire in the state house. At first, they were blushing due to reports of low-cut tops and mini-skirts, and then after being thoroughly lashed with the keyboards of the Tumblrazzi for slut-shaming.
Holmes and his fellow Republicans received criticism for only addressing women’s inappropriate attire, but not men’s. So, from here on out, men no longer have to wear pants, jacket and tie in the state house, but can now wear tank tops and shorts with hems halfway up the knee.
That’s right, men of Kansas’ law: dress for the job you want, which is giving up your self-worth in return for lobbyists’ money.
In what is clearly a sign from the cosmos that certain things just aren’t meant to be, Mohammed Abad was injured in a car accident. He suffered a concussion, a broken ankle and some head wounds. The good news is that it wasn’t as bad as the car accident he was in as a child, in which he lost his original penis.
So Abad and his date, Charlotte Rose, will have to reschedule. Keep the champagne corked for now, everyone.
Now 43, Mohammed Abad lost his original penis in a car accident. In recent years, the Scottish man had a new, eight-inch-long bionic one installed, because why not go big? But it has only recently because fully functional. He has selected Charlotte Rose, a sex worker, to take his V card. (Also, prostitution is legal in the U.K.?)
The two are to meet up in London this week, and the lady will not be charging for her time. Abad will soon learn that that’s what women always say.
What do we have in common with the turkeys we’re about to cook next week? What? No, we didn’t even notice your warbler. It’s that the most accurate way to take our temperature is through the flesh. Or, if you don’t want to stab someone (Dr. Carson), in da’ butt.
There are some dirty places in Wyoming, and the state wants people to know that some of those dirty places are infected.
The state health department began an STD awareness campaign recently, which included buying billboard reading, “Wyoming has gonorrhea. Do you?” The sign attracted a lot of attention, but unfortunately not the kind it wanted. Wyoming’s gonorrhea sign went viral (heh), and it offended some people.
So much pressure built up that the sign was taken down last week. Now the world may never know if Wyoming has any other diseases.
Airports are miserable places. They are filled with delays, lines, and worst of all, other people. But the Portugese are way ahead of us when it comes to making going to the airport a more pleasant experience.
We live in a world where a fungus can do to your lady what you can’t.
According to a recent study, there is an unnamed fungus species that grows only around Hawaiian lava flows that are hundreds of years old. Apparently it’s learned a few things, because it can make women have an orgasm with a single smell. The fungus was first discovered in 2001, but better research on the fungus was delayed (let’s blame 9/11). We now know that about half of women tested had a spontaneous climax. Male subjects had nothing.
This is an opportune time to introduce The Guys’ new cologne, “Fungus of the Fire Rock.” Look for it in stores this holiday season.
We’re not sure what’s going on with the Dalai Lama’s health, but it sure seems like a lot of people are making moves for his death right now. China’s trying to make sure the next Lama is reborn as a Chinese bureaucrat — which should be easy since every fourth child in the world is born Chinese. And the Lama himself is wondering whether he’ll be the last one — perfection achieved, Dalai out!
But, what if he’s not the last one? And what if the next Lama is a lady Lama (the Dali Alpaca)? Much like younger, Tumblr-using fans of James Bond movies and Doctor Who, the Lama is not against the idea of coming back as a woman. But, only on the condition that he’s really hot, OK?
The Dalai Lama had previously caused a stir when he said he could be reincarnated as a ‘mischievous blonde woman.’ Even then, he insisted, ‘her face must be very attractive’ or ‘nobody pay much attention.’
Christian Rudder co-founded dating site OKCupid, and he’s got a whole lot of data about what his customers have said they look for in a potential mate over the years. The data shows that women find men attractive generally near their age, maybe a year or two younger. But to men aged 20 to 50, women look their most attractive between 20 and 24. Every single age group said this. It doesn’t mean men don’t find women attractive when they are 25 or older, just that they probably wish they met those women back when they were fresh out of college.
So ladies, make sure to find The One by age 26 or so, or say hello to spinsterhood.
As if things weren’t bad enough for Britain with Germany showing it up, their sperm banks aren’t helping. In an entire year, Britain’s national sperm bank has only drummed up nine total donors. Nine. As in not 90, 900 or even 9,000. Nine British men with British genetics.
So, to somehow bring out the best in British manhood, the bank is trying a new ad campaign: daring British men to “prove your worth, show [Laura Witjens, the chief executive] how good you are.”
Now, as guys, The Guys understand a few things about guys. We all revere and kind of hope that Arnold Schwarzenegger is our real dad. We all pretend to understand the rules to every sport a lot more than we actually do. And we don’t use our semen to prove our manliness — no matter how literal of a virility test that would be.
What we’re saying is, Ms. Witjens, you’re more likely to get a lot of guys to bench press, skip rocks, or open pickle jars outside of your sperm bank than hand you cups of baby batter.