Category: Sex Sells

| Filed under Scurry (Politics), Sex Sells

Mich. lawmaker tries the ol’ fake male prostitute trick

When is a sex scandal not a sex scandal? When it’s a decoy.

Michigan state Rep. Todd Courser is a Christian, socially conservative Republican and a married father of four. So when an email surfaced suggesting that he bought the services of a male prostitute, eyebrows were raised–especially when it was revealed that Courser and faked and released the email himself. Turns out that he faked paying for gay sex to cover up an affair with state Rep. Cindy Gamrat, who is also married, has three children and is vocal about her faith. Courser’s logic was that after rumors about a male prostitute got out there, news of hetero-lawmaker-on-hetero-lawmaker action would seem tame.

The real tragedy here is that every time an official fakes a gay sex scandal, it casts a shadow of doubt on all the genuine gay sex scandals out there.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Science: If you want a happy marriage, don’t have more sex

If you’re married and having a lot of sex, odds are you’re not as happy as you think you are. Hey, we’re not saying it, science is.

According to a study at Carnegie Mellon University, heterosexual married couples who increased the frequency of their having of the sex reported a slight decrease in their overall happiness and satisfaction with the intercourse. Meanwhile, a similar group that had the sexy sexy (medical term) at their normal frequency reported no real change in their happiness or satisfaction.

So there you have it, married people. Your relationship is destined to be just one long plateau, no good days or bad days, for all eternity. Doesn’t that sound exciting?

| Filed under Sex Sells

The day you learn your new home was once a ‘sex club’ is a bad day

When you buy a house, you don’t really know what problems you might find inside. Maybe the roof leaks, maybe the basement is infested with mice, maybe the A/C unit is about to go. But there are worse things, yes, even worse than figuring out septic trucks like your house. You could find out your dream home was once a sex club.

Brian and Lauren Gehm had just moved into their home in New Jersey and had a technician installing their satellite TV. But there was a problem with the electrical wiring in the house. They traced the wiring and found their home had web cams hidden in the basement, all hooked up to a closed-circuit television system. Turns out, the previous owners had used the house as “a disco and/or ‘sex club.'”

They are now suing the realtors who sold them the home for failing to disclose that minor detail. Perhaps to pay the legal fees they should reopen the club.

| Filed under Sex Sells

Even ketchup is kinky in Germany

Remember those six months QR codes were hot? Apparently they’re still a thing in Germany, and they’re making ketchup sexy again.

A man scanned the QR code on his bottle of ketchup to learn more about a contest Heinz had going on. He was surprised when it turned out that the code led him to an adult site (SFW), but we assume that’s just how things are in Germany. As it turns out, Heinz ran the contest from 2012 to 2014, and after it ended, the company didn’t think it was necessary to maintain ownership rights to the site.

So if you have any ketchup bottles from last year, you may get a special surprise from Heinz.

| Filed under Booze News, Sex Sells

Don’t worry, the alcohol kills the germs

If you’re like the guys, you enjoy a nice glass of whisky, but you’re always in search of the next whisky gimmick. You’ve had shipwreck whisky, whisky aged in barrels at sea, whisky aged in barrels that held some sort of wine, and you’ve even dabbled in flavored whisky.

Enter Whisky by X, the only whisky available today that has been poured over the body of an adult film star. Yes, you buy a bottle of Whisky by X, you don’t just get a quality 12-year-old blend that’s “diamond and gold filtered,” it’s actually run down the body of either Tori Black or Joy Van Velsen (SFW). We’re sure they have distinct tastes. And it’s yours for just $130 a bottle.

Unfortunately, Whisky by X makes no guarantee that it won’t affect your performance the way other whiskies do.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

The best part of getting it up

"You do not want to see my penis before my morning coffee."
“You do not want to see my penis before my morning coffee.”

Most people claim that nothing happens before they have their daily coffee. And one of those things might be erections. And, no, we don’t mean construction work. We mean your penis.

Researchers from the University of Texas found a 42 percent reduction in erectile dysfunction in men who drank between 171mg and 303mg of caffeine a day, or roughly two cups of coffee.

So, the next time your boss asks you to bring him a cup of coffee, don’t be disgusted because he’s clearly trying to force you into some outdated gender role. Be disgusted because he’s going to have an old man boner soon.

Penis.

| Filed under Scurry (Politics), Sex Sells, That Wacky Australia

Australia’s Sex Party gets cockblocked

Stay strong, Australian Sex Party. If not for us, stay strong for Australian Chris Pratt.
Stay strong, Australian Sex Party. If not for us, stay strong for Australian Chris Pratt.

Like the bitter reality of orgies, it’s not looking good for Australia’s Sex Party. The only thing we know about Australian politics took a blow Thursday when they lost their registration in the Australian Election Commission. This means that, although they can still field candidates, there will be no more Sexy names on ballots or Sexy federal funding.

The problem is that, to maintain their registration, they need to either have an elected representative in the federal government or prove that they have at least 500 members. But, because most of their members don’t have home phone numbers and move around a lot, they’re having trouble keeping their confirmed numbers up.

Well, Australia, you’re not the only ones who lose if you no longer have a Sex Party. The Guys need to know that there are still sexy times in the world. So, we’re calling on all members of the Australian Sex Party to make yourselves known as publicly as possible. Get out there and show how many of you there truly are in your terrifying country.

That’s right: we’re calling for Handjobs Across Australia.

| Filed under He's Dead, Jim, Sex Sells

They’ll live on inside of you forever

"What's taking so long in there?" "I'm lamenting!"
“What’s taking so long in there?”
“I’m lamenting!”

Feelings are tricky. When first experienced, they overwhelm to the point that you’ll honestly believe that you will never feel differently again, especially when it comes to loss and grieving. And then, poof, one day, you don’t feel as bad. And finally, after enough time, you feel a little silly explaining that memorial tattoo of your first cat to any new employers. It’s enough to make anyone feel a little guilty, like maybe our love wasn’t all strong that strong to begin with.

Well, if you can’t maintain the intensity of raw emotion for your lost loved ones, you can at least re-stimulate it for 3 to 15 minutes at a time, depending on your stamina and time between meetings at work. It’s all thanks to Mark Sturkenboom, who is the only man with the exact right name to create a dildo with people’s cremated ashes inside.

So, your loved ones aren’t really gone, not so long as they’re still inside of you.

| Filed under Headline of the Day, It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

For better health, think outside the box

We are relieved, though, that our hypertension risk wasn't raised by what we thought the headline was about.
We are relieved, though, that our hypertension risk wasn’t raised by what we thought the headline was about.

There are ways to convince people to read about your research. And then there are headlines like today’s Headline of the Day: “Eating Out Frequently May Be Linked To High Blood Pressure.”

Congratulations, University Herald. You got The Guys to read about how young Southeast Asians who dine out at restaurants more than at home experience greater chances of hypertension.

But, you don’t want to see what we Googled after your disappointment.

Bonus, Really Out of Context Quote:

‘Our research plugs that gap.’

Vagina.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

If they’ll make you a sandwich, they’ll probably put out

Lifehack: Tucking antibiotics into grilled cheese is an easy way to help bad pill swallowers take their VD meds.
Lifehack: Tucking antibiotics into grilled cheese is an easy way to help bad pill swallowers take their VD meds.

Science makes all sorts of weird, unexpected discoveries in experiments where said discovery wasn’t even being tested or a even a suspected factor. A good example is when some radar technician invented the microwave by accidentally melting a candy bar in his pocket, earning himself a cool, $2.00 bonus from Raytheon, too.

In that tradition, researchers at some social networking site we’ve never heard of (so it must be parent-free) called Skout discovered, while asking people about their grilled cheese habits, that 32 percent people who love grilled cheese have sex at least six times a month, but only 27 percent of non-grilled cheese lovers do the same.

It’s also possible that people who eat a lot of grilled cheese do so because it’s the only food they can afford with their sexy, sexy lifestyle.