Category: Sex Sells

| Posted in Headline of the Day, Sex Sells

Time to upgrade our text, data plans

We salute Charles Lee Warren for both his serial killer name and for maintaining a fine naval tradition going all the way back to 1996's Down Periscope.
We salute Charles Lee Warren for both his serial killer name and for maintaining a fine naval tradition going all the way back to 1996′s Down Periscope.

The state Supreme Court in Georgia ruled Monday that, while it is a crime to mail unsolicited nude photos of yourself without a warning on the envelope, it is not illegal to do it electronically.

But, let’s not lose focus on the nitty-gritty legal details here. (Although, side note: take caution opening text messages at work from The Guys for at least a week.) The important factor here is that Charles Lee Warren is free to text pictures of his schlong tattoo for as long as he can keep it up. (Keep up his camera.)

True, the married mother of young children who received Warren’s photo either wasn’t impressed or felt threatened, hence her charges. But, aren’t the rest of us just a little curious to see it since it’s tattooed to say, “STRONG E nuf 4 A MAN BUT Made 4 A WOMAN?”

There are so many unanswered questions here. Does it go down the shaft, or around it like the inscription on the One Ring? The phrase is pretty long, but did Warren resort to Prince/Sinead O’Connor title numbers because it isn’t long enough?

In closing: penis.

| Posted in Sex Sells, What a Reach!

Throwing money at your problems

"And just to really make sure nobody sees them again, here I am in an AP shot with one of the shirts folded titties out."
“And just to really make sure nobody sees them again, here I am in an AP photo with one of the shirts folded titties out.”

When Judy Cox found indecent t-shirts at a PacSun store, she did what The Guys would do: buy them all. Except, rather than wear as many as possible and then donate the rest to children with parental locks on their Internet access, she spent over $550 to protect her town — including her 18-year-old son — from the sight of scantily dressed womens.

Now unsure what to do, she thinks she might return them on day 59 of the store’s 60 day return policy. Which means they’ll be on display again, along with the 19 shirts the store ordered to restock. That is a victory for … well, nobody. Certainly not for her son, who will now surely be connected to the story as the tender legal adult who was publicly wank-blocked by his mom while shopping with her for clothes.

To be fair, we don’t think too clearly when we see boobs on a t-shirt, either.

| Posted in Copy of the Day, It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

People *really* love this gourd

Awwwww, yeeeeeeeah! Shaved.
Awwwww, yeeeeeeeah! Shaved.

OK, so some scientists have traced the genetic roots (ha!) of the South American bottle gourd — which people have used since before Columbus to carry and store their water — and found that it must have floated over intact from Africa.

Fascinating, but not why this story came to The Guy’s attention.

No, the reason we’re sharing this with you is to launch our new post category: Copy of the Day. (For non-journos, that’s short for copywriting, or the act of writing things you don’t care about because you’re paid to do so.)

And, folks, Los Angeles Times writer Melissa Healy can barely contain herself about bottle gourds, right in the very first sentence:

The bottle gourd, beloved since pre-Columbian times not only for its voluptuous shape but for its endless uses … [emphasis ours].

Oh my.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Science steps up for your naughty bits

As much as we love to rub our junk on things and each other, there are way too many hazards. But, thanks to medical science, we are now two discoveries closer to limiting those hazards to bristly objects and people.

Researchers have developed a new treatment for herpes that can reduce the virus’s ability to reproduce and spread. The new drug, pritelivir, improves upon existing treatments by targeting a viral component used earlier in the reproductive cycle. (Earlier in the virus’ reproductive cycle, not yours.)

"Thanks, doc! My grip's never been stronger, and the little lady still hasn't caught on to my 'business trip' to Thailand."
“Thanks, doc! My grip’s never been stronger, and the little lady still hasn’t caught on to my ‘business trip’ to Thailand.”

And if, like Rambo, you prefer to “go it alone,” then we have good news: scientists have developed a treatment to slow down or cure blindness. Surgeons used gene therapy to restore sight to six patients suffering from choroideremia, blindness caused by a faulty gene that allows light-detecting cells at the back of the eye to gradually die. Injecting a healthy gene and some therapy could get you back to it with visual porn in no time.

Science: making a better tomorrow, one stroke at a time.

| Posted in Scurry to the Capitol, Sex Sells

Snapchat hires lobbyists to deliver very bad news to Congress’ members

"What do you mean those pictures of me 'going maverick' are still stored somewhere?"
“Now that I know those pictures still exist somewhere, I really regret not touching up my ‘career.’”

It was only a matter of time before Snapchat, the Internet’s number one site for exchanging pervy pictures would join forces with the U.S. Congress, the number one user of those services over the age of 18.

In the wake of a high-profile hacking that revealed personal data from users, the tech company has hired some hotshot lobbyists, including Heather Podesta*, to help promote Web security policies that would prevent such leaks in the future. Also, to probably explain to some of the older members on the Hill (heh) how hacking Snapchat could put a real wrinkle in their careers.

And by “their careers,” we mean their ball sacks. Wrinkles are still wrinkles.

*You can learn more about Heather “‘It Girl’ of Washington” Podesta at her Wikipedia page that she almost certainly did not write herself.

| Posted in Ban Time Travel Research, It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

The stickiest sex scene of all time

From what we keep finding in amber, this is our visible approximation of the entire Cretaceous period.
From what we keep finding in amber, this is our visible approximation of the entire Cretaceous Period.

Researchers from Oregon State University and Germany would like to call your attention to some flowers they found preserved mid-plant coitus in amber from 100 million years ago. Please take note of the still wet pollen that was tenderly deposited by some insect caught up in the flowers’ passion. And focus on how that flower is taking that money shot and turning it into seed, all captured in a single prehistoric moment and then frozen in time.

That’s right. Just keep looking at the plant sex captured so beautifully that not even Georgia O’Keeffe could do it justice. Pay no attention to the plant mucous menacingly tidal waving over you.

Seriously, how is it that we think Tyrannosaurus Rex was the scariest thing about the Cretaceous Period (not Jurassic, Mr. Spielberg) when pretty much everything was killed and preserved by amber. That’s not tree sap, that’s a serial killer.


Special thanks to Patrick H.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Hey, baby — we know what’ll cure your pelvic cramps

"I would stand up, but I'm treating my cramps right now."
“I would stand up, but I’m treating my cramps right now.”

Researchers have recently found success treating menstrual cramps with Viagra.

To clarify: they gave the Viagra to the women with the cramps. No doctors earned their red wings in the name of science today … that we know of.

So, how do boner pills treat pelvic pain? Sildenafil, the less sexy name of the medicine marketed as Viagra, merely increases blood flow to what doctors call the crotchular region, regardless of how far your sensitive parts dangle. So, the increased blood flow to the uterus seems to clear up whatever causes dysmenorrhea during periods.

So far, the treatment has worked better than the placebo with no side effects. Well, aside from women having trouble answering math problems in front of the class.

| Posted in Sex Sells, Stripper News

Bikini baristas behind bars

To prevent any accidents at your workplace, we've helpfully photoshopped out any hot, wet boobies from this picture. (You're welcome.)
To prevent any accidents at your workplace, we’ve helpfully photoshopped out any hot, wet boobies from this picture. (You’re welcome.)

In a blow against coffee and titties, Everett, Washington police officers raided the Hillbilly Hotties coffee stand.

Three were arrested — one for lewd conduct and two others for violating the city’s adult entertainment laws.

Apparently there are workplace safety regulations that require wearing proper PPE before exposing breasts around hot coffee.

Thanks, Obama.

| Posted in Booze News, It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Spunky dos, spunky don’ts and spunky cold medinas

"Oh s**t! Oh s**t! I hit something! Oh s**t! Why didn't I take a cab?!"
“Oh s**t! Oh s**t! I hit something! Oh s**t! Why didn’t I take a cab home?!”

The Guys being, well, guys, know better than anyone how important sperm count, morphology and motility is to men. They are, after all, the third, fourth and fifth factors by which we compare ourselves to competitors, right after penis length and pissing distance. (Note: penis length can be an unfair advantage in pissing contests, which is why urine streams are measured from the urethra to point of contact with the ground or objet d’piss.)

This importance is why it is with an ambivalent heart that we bring you the following results of four new studies on your manimals:

  • Good News: Countering previous research, caffeine itself does not affect your sperm! Holding a hot coffee cup between your legs, however, does.
  • Bad News: Bacon — and other processed meats — deforms your sperm, and while women love the Hunchback of Notre Dame as much as they love bacon, they still don’t want millions of Quasimodos or Oscar Meyers inside of them.
  • Good News: Alcohol doesn’t affect your sperm, either! And, since they’re not driving, there’s no reason to believe they pose a risk to other organs and cells on the way to the egg. (Just careers and bank accounts.)
  • Indifferent News: Exercise (except bike-riding) and fish also improve your sperm. So, that’s good news if you’re a weightlifter in Maine.

We’re calling this a wash.