Michael Douglas, star of The Guys’ favorite childhood movies — Romancing the Stone and Falling Down — paused his career a few years ago to punch throat cancer right in the balls. Now that it’s in remission, he’s back to acting in a new HBO biopic, Behind the Candelabra, where he plays Liberace making sweet, sweet love to Matt Damon.
And in totally unrelated news, he’d like to remind you that he has sex with women. So much so that he swears that he got his throat cancer by contracting HPV from having oral sex with women. Like, so many women, you guys. And did he mention he’s also married to Catherine Zeta-Jones? C’mon, that’s like a straight man’s Porche. As opposed to his Ferrari, which sits in the garage, never driven except at big public events.
So, to recap: Michael Douglas, back in the acting chair and can play gay, but loves women so much that they almost killed him. That’s some fine PR-ing, Mike.
[Special thanks to Jaime W. for the tip! Uh, we mean link to the story.]
A fan claims to have contracted herpes at a Rihanna concert, but not from your mom. She alleges in a lawsuit that the virus came from a booth that let customers sample her new brand of lipstick, RiRi Woo.
According to her lawsuit, she believes that she came into contact with the virus through a reused sample tube that was improperly sanitized between users.
A spokesperson from MAC cosmetics, the company that makes the lipstick and runs the booth, said that “they take these matters very seriously,” but that, until a ruling is made, it’s also very possible that maybe the plaintiff was born with it.
Let’s say you choose to do something distasteful on a daily basis on the condition that you’re paid for it. Maybe you didn’t plan on cleaning porta-johns, but, hey, the money’s good. Or maybe you’re writing copy for a company you don’t particularly like, say a weapons manufacturer, but it beats suckin’ dicks for a living, right?
It’s not like you’re a prostitute, even though the only difference between you is whether you take a shower every hour (or choose not to when you should). The mere implication that you accept money like a whore is insulting, right?
That’s what LinkedIn says, anyway, about actual sex workers. They’re not allowed to use the online spam service to network in their chosen career field. Of course, LinkedIn still offers the option to endorse other users for “prostitution,” so they can’t be t–
… You just left this page to endorse all your former bosses and coworkers for “prostitution,” didn’t you?
At long last, after 10,000 years of teasing human beings, the Arctic may finally reveal what’s under all that ice.
When asked what changed after keeping humans in the “temperate zone” for so long, the Arctic revealed that we have finally, thanks to the Industrial Revolution, almost gotten her hot enough to show us her ample shelf and hidden forest. Recent measurements compared to findings from a Siberian meteor site show the same amount of greenhouse gasses in our atmosphere as the last time the Arctic bared all for some very lucky dinosaurs.
So what happens next? The Arctic gets wet. Very wet. So wet that the oceans should rise about 130 feet. And once you get the planet moist, it’ll only get hotter, because those darker waters retain more heat.
So, our long wait is almost over. We may even go “all the way” with her in our own lifetimes.
We hope this trend continues until eventually all animals glow under black lights. It’ll make it easier to identify our enemies in the War on Animals, especially because they’re nearly immune to questioning. (Just try getting answers out of a stoat. They’re notoriously tight-lipped.)
Although running has been banned for some time now in the parks, the signs will make everyone aware of the existing rule. Other banned activities that distract animals and hinder the procreative process are riding bicycles and horses and bringing pets. (So, that’s no running, horseplay or outside food — just like at the pool.)
Hiking, however, is still OK because it’s slower and, therefore, less stressful to animals. Slow-moving hikers are also a convenient for pre-, mid- and post-coital snacking.
I always wondered if women really cared about, you know, size, and it turns out that they totally do! I’m not exactly the biggest guy around, so what do I do now? Paul, but Fierce
Whether it’s a big penis or big set of “projecting lateral tubercles,” the ladies are all about size, Paul. It’s what put the “selective” in “selective breeding,” like picking out the least warty cucumber that can also feed a family of four.
But that doesn’t mean your smaller penis pulls you out of the running.
Now, this blog isn’t one to give a rat’s ass about an otter’s penis, but scientists are worried the same could happen to human male dudes. The theory is that the more chemicals that get into the water and air, the more wildlife consume, and some of those chemicals are affecting their bodies in bad ways. That means the same could happen to us.
For the record, pollution has yet to affect The Guys, since we flush the bad chemicals from our bodies with alcohol.