Category: Sex Sells

| Filed under Headline of the Day, It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells, War on Animals

Great tits: worth paying attention to

Just one of these in your hand is worth two in the bush. (When birds can express that level of sophisticated thought, then we can say they've mastered language.)
Just one of these in your hand is worth two in the bush. (When birds can express that level of sophisticated thought, then we can say they’ve mastered language.)

We always wondered what it would be like to talk with animals. It turns out that animals can talk, we just didn’t listen. Fortunately, they finally found the only means of communicating that — as women will attest — The Guys will pay attention to: great tits!

Scientists studied the calls of Japanese great tits (with that distinction, we’re obviously talking about birds) and discovered that they use combinations of chirps to convey complicated messages. Basically, they use syntax — grammar and vocabulary — just like people, albeit with far less of each and fewer stupid rules carried over from Latin.

So, we’re now retroactively offended every time a couple of tits refuse to speak English in front of us. You just know they’re squawking something about the tops of our heads.

| Filed under Sex Sells, War on Animals

Adam and Eve or Steve, not Adam and Fido

Leave it to the Germans to dress the people responsible for deciding what is and isn't OK to have sex with precisely as we'd imagine.
Leave it to the Germany to dress the people responsible for deciding what is and isn’t OK to have sex with precisely as we’d imagine.

Despite conservatives’ hopes and prayers, legalizing gay marriage does not lead to government-sanctioned man-on-turtle relationships. Germany has legally recognized same-sex unions since 2001 and allowed same-sex couples to adopt children since 2004, but the nation’s constitutional court ruled that you still can’t legally f*ck any species but Homo Sapiens.

Sorry, perverts. If you want to get farm-nasty with livestock, you’ll have to go to God’s country: Alabama, Hawaii, Kentucky, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, Ohio, Vermont, West Virginia, or Wyoming.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Seniors active in the bedroom also active mentally, science says

It turns out that having sex when you’re older can help you fight off dementia, according to a recent study. (We know thinking about old people and sex isn’t a great way to hook you, but this information could come in handy years from now, so read on.)

According to researchers Coventry University in the U.K., people surveyed 50 and 89 who had sex regularly tended to have better cognitive function. In all, more than 6,800 people were surveyed on their sex lives, and given simple memory tests. Both men and women who were sexually active did better on the tests. It’s the strongest evidence yet that you should buy your grandfather the hooker he’s been asking for.

“Science says you have to bang me if you want me to remember you in the morning,” is now an acceptable and true line for you to use when you’re over 50. And there’s nothing wrong with preventative measures if you’re younger.

| Filed under Movember, Sex Sells

Brazil slide-tackles ball cancer heads on

Senhor Testiculo gets a lot of attention being the only Brazilian without a Brazilian.
Senhor Testiculo gets a lot of attention being the only Brazilian without a Brazilian.

Rather than use a metaphorical scrotum of a human being like Lance Armstrong, Brazil went balls out and chose an actual anthropomorphized set of testicles to speak for testicular cancer awareness. And just to really teabag the point home, they named him Senhor Testiculo.

Senhor Testiculo will appear at events on behalf of Brazil’s Association of Personal Assistance for Cancer, posing for pictures and helping convince people to donate to testicular cancer research.

There’s no word if he shaves and then only grows a mustache every November.

Special thanks to Patrick H. for waving this story around in our faces.

| Filed under Scurry '16, Sex Sells

Cruz pulls out of ad with porn actress

This was the safest for work picture we could Google for her. So, obviously, the Cruz campaign didn't even Google her.
This was the safest for work picture we could find for her. So, obviously, the Cruz campaign didn’t even Google her.

In the age of social media, it’s hard to hire anybody who doesn’t have a nude or scandalous picture online somewhere. That said, it should be obvious when they have an IMDb page filled with titles like Timegate: Tales of the Saddle TrampsRadio Erotica and Deviant Whores. Still, the future leader of the free world managed to hire someone with that C.V. for his latest ad.

Sen. Ted Cruz’s campaign cast Amy Lindsay in an ad where people in group therapy talk about their regret of once supporting fellow Sen. Marco Rubio. (We assume she got the role because of her work as Dr. Karin Clemens in 2003’s Insatiable Desires.)

The Cruz campaign stressed that had they “known of her full filmography, we obviously would not have let her appear in the ad.” To be clear, her entire filmography stretches from 1994 to present with entries like Carnal Wishes as recent as 2015.

But, we’re sure that the Cruz administration won’t accidentally put, say, an Al Qaeda operative in charge of the CIA. You know, unless Mr. Bildin al-Bombir hides his past terrorism by including every bombing he helped plan on his LinkedIn account.

| Filed under Facepalm, Sex Sells

The right to bare arms, legs in the workplace

If men can wear this while accepting bribes in the state capitol, then women can wear mini-skirts.
If men can wear this while accepting bribes in the Kansas state capitol, then women can wear mini-skirts.

State lawmakers in Kansas, including Sen. Mitch Holmes, are red-faced over women’s attire in the state house. At first, they were blushing due to reports of low-cut tops and mini-skirts, and then after being thoroughly lashed with the keyboards of the Tumblrazzi for slut-shaming.

Holmes and his fellow Republicans received criticism for only addressing women’s inappropriate attire, but not men’s. So, from here on out, men no longer have to wear pants, jacket and tie in the state house, but can now wear tank tops and shorts with hems halfway up the knee.

That’s right, men of Kansas’ law: dress for the job you want, which is giving up your self-worth in return for lobbyists’ money.

| Filed under Sex Sells

Some people just shouldn’t get in cars

Last week, we learned that a 43-year-old man in Scotland was finally going to lose his virginity. Unfortunately, those plans have been put on hold.

In what is clearly a sign from the cosmos that certain things just aren’t meant to be, Mohammed Abad was injured in a car accident. He suffered a concussion, a broken ankle and some head wounds. The good news is that it wasn’t as bad as the car accident he was in as a child, in which he lost his original penis.

So Abad and his date, Charlotte Rose, will have to reschedule. Keep the champagne corked for now, everyone.

| Filed under Sex Sells

And now a heartwarming tale

They rebuilt him. Better, stronger, but hopefully not faster.
They rebuilt him. Better, stronger, but hopefully not faster.

In a crazy world like ours today, it’s nice to get a little good news every now and then. We’ve got such a story for you: a man with a bionic penis is going to lose his virginity.

Now 43, Mohammed Abad lost his original penis in a car accident. In recent years, the Scottish man had a new, eight-inch-long bionic one installed, because why not go big? But it has only recently because fully functional. He has selected Charlotte Rose, a sex worker, to take his V card. (Also, prostitution is legal in the U.K.?)

The two are to meet up in London this week, and the lady will not be charging for her time. Abad will soon learn that that’s what women always say.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Cold and flu season just got a little hotter

Tough luck, babies. We didn't have kids to make friends.
Tough luck, babies. We didn’t have kids to make friends.

What do we have in common with the turkeys we’re about to cook next week? What? No, we didn’t even notice your warbler. It’s that the most accurate way to take our temperature is through the flesh. Or, if you don’t want to stab someone (Dr. Carson), in da’ butt.

New research indicates that temperature readings taken orally, aurally (ear holes, man) or in the underarm are not nearly as accurate as ones taken in the butt or through other internal means like catheters. So, it’s your choice: butthole or peeho — right, of course: the butt.

So, remember: starve a cold, but feed a fever. Anally.

| Filed under Sex Sells

Wyoming wants you to forget that it has gonorrhea

There are some dirty places in Wyoming, and the state wants people to know that some of those dirty places are infected.

The state health department began an STD awareness campaign recently, which included buying billboard reading, “Wyoming has gonorrhea. Do you?” The sign attracted a lot of attention, but unfortunately not the kind it wanted. Wyoming’s gonorrhea sign went viral (heh), and it offended some people.

So much pressure built up that the sign was taken down last week. Now the world may never know if Wyoming has any other diseases.