‘Dilbert’ in Chile is weird

Women just don’t appreciate prop comedy — the greatest form of humor pioneered by legends like Carrot Top and Gallaghers I and II.

Office humor is a mixed bag. On the one hand, it’s easy to kill it in your office if you have more than “You guys are having way too much fun over there” in your set. (But, also, what a low bar, right?) And on the other, you can also easily find yourself in a meeting with HR, explaining like a drunk uncle that “everyone’s too PC these days, it was a joke.”

But, in Chile, it’s all about prop comedy, like giving a blow-up sex doll to the economy minister so that he can “stimulate it.”

Right? What’s not funny about an inflated economy that can burst at any second by f*cking around with it too much? Homeless people can laugh themselves warm next winter to that Swiftian-level wit.

Unfortunately, not everyone found it funny, especially women and including the president of Chile, Michelle Bachelet. Businesswomen found it distasteful since they are commonly left out of such events unless serving as scantily-dressed booth babes. But, what do they know about funny, right? It’s a gross doll with a vulva-less vagina that can be loosely tied to “stimulus.” That’s the most brilliant joke invented since someone — most likely a man — first noticed that chickens sometimes cross roads.

In other news: Chilean members of Asexma have once again failed to export comedy.

Astronaut blindness explained, hairy palms still mystery

NASA ruled out masturbation after removing the bathroom door did not affect vision impairment rates.
NASA ruled out masturbation after removing the bathroom door did not reduce vision impairment rates.

It’s not exactly well advertised by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration on LinkedIn, but extended stays on the International Space Station — or in micro-gravity in general — may irreparably damage your vision. Two-thirds of astronauts spending six months or longer on the ISS now suffer from permanently blurry vision. Unsurprisingly, this “blindness” is fluid-related; surprisingly, it’s from brain fluids, not … idle hands.

We already know that fluid behaves differently in zero-G. What we didn’t realize is that, given enough time, the cerebrospinal fluid in the skull’s brain cavity flows willy-nilly and can eventually press on the backs of the eyeballs enough that they flatten a bit. And changing the shape of the eye even a little is enough to impair the ability to focus.

At the moment, NASA has no plan to prevent this as there’s no way to control where fluid flows within the skull. The only current possibilities are either shorter stays or inventing artificial gravity — which introduces its own problem:

Nobody installed seatbelts onboard the ISS.
Nobody installed seat belts onboard the ISS.

Tyranny watch: California lawyers may be banned from banging clients

This country was founded on some basic freedoms, such as the freedom of speech, the freedom of religion, and the freedom to have sex with those you represent in court. One of those sacred freedoms is under attack.

In ban-happy California, the state’s largest bar association is proposing a ban on attorney-client sexual relations, as part of its overhaul of its ethics rules. Under the proposal, lawyers who debrief with their clients could be disbarred.

Freedom-loving lawyers are understandably against the proposal.

Science: Doing it is key to heart health

If you want to keep your heart healthy, you should be having sex more often, according to researchers.

Prospective cardiologist Johannes Hinrich von Borste has reviewed the data, and found that the having of the sex helps lower blood pressure. In part, because it’s a workout, but also because of the chemicals your brain releases. Von Borste also recommends eating raw garlic daily to keep your heart healthy, but doesn’t mention how you’re supposed to be knocking boots more if you have the garlic burps.

Not that The Guys have any trouble, amiright? High five!

Never get yer sword bitten

Ahoy, me hearties! As ye know, today be Talk Like a Pirate Day, an’ the Guys are here to celebrate it. However, this post comes with a trigger warnin’: if ye are a man, ye may want to skip this one. Turn back now, here there be monsters.

We take ye to Austria, where a casual drive ended up with a landlubbber having surgery on his plank. Accordin’ to authorities, a man and a wench were out for a drive, and to use the medical terminology, the woman was performin’ a sword-swallowing trick fer the man, who was drivin’. A deer suddenly jumped out in front o’ the car, causing the man to slam on the brakes, and the woman accidentally bit down.

Luckily, surgeons say the wound to the man’s manhood was superficial, and he should be out o’ dry dock soon.

Science: Your lady will cheat on you because genes

Suddenly every blues song ever written seems justified.

According to researchers at the University of Texas, women are genetically programmed to cheat. Women, especially childless women, are predisposed to cheat on their mate as a means of a backup plan. They argue that way back when, it wasn’t too common for people to live past 30, so having a side piece in case your mate died made sense, and it got bred into us.

Better go home and read all the texts on her phone.

Female orgasm afterthought to scientists

To keep this SFW, we found this image by searching for "ecstatic women." We also expect not to find any after posting this.
To keep this SFW, we found this image by searching for “ecstatic women.” We also expect not to find any after posting this.

Science is about asking questions. Unfortunately, many of them will not likely be answered definitively in our lifetimes. So, while some researchers might wonder what gravity actually is or if its possible to work around the speed of light, the big questions will likely remain a mystery, like why men have nipples or women insist on having orgasms.

But, maybe not! When confronted with the mystery of how and why women have orgasms, two scientists think it might be because they’re not really meant to. Not anymore, anyway.

Based on comparative structures and functions in fellow mammals, they believe that the female orgasm might have once triggered the release of an egg for fertilization like in cats and rats. In those animals, the clitoris is located much more closely to the point of copulation.

However, once humans evolved to a monthly ovulation cycle, the female orgasm and resulting hormones became no longer essential to conception. And we’re guessing that years of lackluster sex led to selective breeding that placed the clitoris in easier to reach spots for DIY.

So, there you go. Just like with men, the female orgasm might be an afterthought of evolution.

Rise of the sex machines

Sex robot Jude Law has seen some things. Horrible things.
Sex robot Jude Law has seen some things. Horrible things.

The long war on masculinity continues, as women work harder to make men wholly unnecessary in their lives. This time, it’s in the bedroom.

In as soon as 10 years from now, women will be hooking up with robots more than they are with men, according to futurologist Ian Pearson. He projects that since the sex machine industry is booming, with advancements coming all the time, we’re not far off from having robots resembling humans who can do the deed (SFW if you don’t scroll down). Women will turn to these more and more as the stigma fades over decades, he predicts.

Another job eliminated by machines.

The best part of waking up

Unless you’re a banker or cheese enthusiast, you’ve probably never felt the urge to travel to Switzerland. After a new cafe opens in Geneva, you may actually consider moving there.

A full-service cafe is in the works for the city, and by “full service,” we mean, “full-service.” Coffee enthusiasts would be able to enjoy their morning cup accompanied by oral sex from the prostitute of their choice. The business plan is sure to keep them coming back. Order your unusually expensive coffee, then select on an iPad the prostitute you want for your new favorite morning ritual. The cafe would be the first of its kind in Switzerland if it is approved.

The down side is that the cafe is sure to have long lines due to slow service.

Ghost hunters stumble into adult movie

At this point we realize that reality shows are fake, right? Most of them are scripted in some way, and those that aren’t are heavily edited to create drama where there was really just a typical conversation. But things got real for a ghost hunter show veteran recently.

In the U.K., Mike Covell, who has appeared on ghost hunter shows in Europe, was giving a tour of a haunted graveyard — because that’s dedication to bit — when his tour group of 12 stumbled upon a porn scene being filmed in broad daylight. The couple and two-man film crew quickly made a break for it, and the tourists were likely sad that the moans they had heard weren’t supernatural at all.

Play us out, Fishbone!