Category: Sex Sells

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

If they’ll make you a sandwich, they’ll probably put out

Lifehack: Tucking antibiotics into grilled cheese is an easy way to help bad pill swallowers take their VD meds.
Lifehack: Tucking antibiotics into grilled cheese is an easy way to help bad pill swallowers take their VD meds.

Science makes all sorts of weird, unexpected discoveries in experiments where said discovery wasn’t even being tested or a even a suspected factor. A good example is when some radar technician invented the microwave by accidentally melting a candy bar in his pocket, earning himself a cool, $2.00 bonus from Raytheon, too.

In that tradition, researchers at some social networking site we’ve never heard of (so it must be parent-free) called Skout discovered, while asking people about their grilled cheese habits, that 32 percent people who love grilled cheese have sex at least six times a month, but only 27 percent of non-grilled cheese lovers do the same.

It’s also possible that people who eat a lot of grilled cheese do so because it’s the only food they can afford with their sexy, sexy lifestyle.

| Filed under Sex Sells, War on Animals

New record: 7 minutes, 45 seconds of neutral-shaded lovin’

Jeez, Lu Lu. Maybe get Zhen Zhen in the extended mood by singing "Fields of Gold" first.
Jeez, Lu Lu. Maybe get Zhen Zhen in the extended mood first by singing “Fields of Gold.”

We’ve always wondered why pandas can’t do what it takes to get their numbers back up. We have entire institutes dedicated to pairing them up, setting the mood with panda porn and protecting the resulting cubs from mid-siesta rollovers, and yet the giant panda is still on its way to extinction.

Of course, pandas aren’t helping themselves. Between faking pregnancies, avoiding weddings (and if you can’t get laid at a wedding, you must be the priest) and just being sexually unavailable, we can only wonder what in the wild world of panda porkin’ is going on.

And now we have the answer: male pandas take too long in bed. The average panda takes 5 minutes to “get his sticky on,” and now Lu Lu — now nicknamed “the Enduring Brother” — has set a new record of 7 minutes and 45 seconds.

Lady pandas, that is way too long. We understand now.

| Filed under Sex Sells

Paying the price for dating in your 30s

No word on whether Tinder Plus will be available for the Jitterbug OS.
No word on whether Tinder Plus will be available for the Jitterbug OS.

Look, nobody’s saying people over 30 shouldn’t use Tinder. But, you’re gonna have to pay for it.

Tinder, the dating app that speeds up rejection and hook-ups through users pawing at their phones, is rolling out a premium service that gives you more chances to swipe at people. To make it more palatable to younger users, they’re using a tiered pay rate system based on age. People in their 20s will only pay $9.99 a month, while users 30 and above will pay $19.99 a month.

(Even for 20-year-olds, that’s more than a Netflix membership, and Netflix at least guarantees you’ll see a boob on Orange is the New Black.)

So, your choices are to be creepy on Tinder or get thee to eHarmony.

| Filed under Sex Sells

Joanie openly loves married Chachi

We're reporting live from Joanie's pelvis, and it appears that Chachi is unprotected.
We’re reporting live from inside Joanie’s pelvis, and it appears that Chachi is unprotected.

A South Korean court overturned a law that made adultery a criminal offense, punishable by fines or (rarely) jail time. And, seemingly overnight, at least one condom manufacturer saw stock prices surge as high as allowed for the day.

Now, The Guys are students of human behavior. It’s not like married South Koreans weren’t sleeping around. The government could have punished adultery with life imprisonment, facial branding and genital amputation and — based on the number of stonings, honor killings and damning embroidery in more punitive societies — people would still cheat on their spouses.

So, if human nature is as it has always been, then increased condom sales indicates that they’re just now using protection. Ewwww.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

‘Til death do you f*ck

"Got any plans after Jeopardy?"
“Got any plans after Jeopardy?”

Take a look at yourself. You’re not getting any younger. From this point on, this is most likely the best you will look for the rest of your life, and it’s the same tomorrow and the day after, just with incrementally diminishing results.

In short, with each and every passing day, fewer people want to have sex with you. Yep, the sex train has left the station, and you’re sitting with your bags in Hoboken.

But, when all is said and done, there’s one person who will take the bus to Poundtown with you, so long as you make the 50-year anniversary: your spouse. After all, who else is gonna do that (read: wrinkled you) when you’re 70 – 85 years old?

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Scientists put rats in lingerie

Men and rats have more in common than we would like to admit. For example, both like it when females wear lingerie.

Scientists, whom we’re just guessing are male, sought to investigate why men like it when women wear lingerie. Logically, they decided to put a lady rat in a little rat vest, then put her in a cage with a male rat for some mating. They found that the male learned to associate the female rat wearing the vest with mating.

That might mean that men have grown to like lingerie because they know they’re getting some when they see their women wearing it. Not because the ladies look good.

| Filed under Sex Sells, War on Animals

Penguins report sexual harassment from seals

We may think of animals that live in the Antarctic as cute, and because they live so far away from us, we may not consider them a threat. We should. Turns out they’re trying to create a master race of seal-penguins.

Researchers observing Antarctic wildlife reported and recorded numerous instances of fur seals chasing down and copulating with king penguins, and the flightless birds did not seem to consent, either. This has to stop. They are attempting to create a new weapon against us, and besides, we shouldn’t condone sexual harassment in any form.

It’s on us.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

You kiss your mother with that bacteria?

"Achtung, baby. Wanna raise your IQ a few points (presuming that bacteria has anything to do with it)?"
“Achtung, baby. Wanna raise your IQ a few points (presuming that bacteria has anything to do with it)?”

Taking a break from their perpetual contact high, Dutch scientists examined kissing. And they found that your average 10-second Freedom Kiss can transfer up to 80 million bacteria between participants.

To figure out what transfers most readily from tongue-to-tongue contact, the scientists had one participant from each pair drink a probiotic drink. And, based on the results, they hope to one day use this research to help “design future bacterial therapies and help people with troublesome bacterial problems.”

So, if you don’t like yogurt, you could always try making out with Jamie Lee Curtis.*

*SeriouslyGuys is in no way responsible for what Jamie Lee Curtis’ security does to you for attempting to make out with her.

| Filed under Booze News, Sex Sells

Survey: People value vacation time way more than they should

Everyone wishes they had more vacation time (except for Americans, who don’t use a great deal of theirs), but some of them want it so much that they would give up on the things that make vacations so much fun.

According to a not-very-scientific survey, nearly a quarter of workers would go without sex for just one more day of vacation. That’s just crazy talk, the internet is proof of that. Meanwhile 54% said they could go without junk food, showing once again that no Americans participated in the survey. When it comes to booze, a whopping 48% said they would be OK without it, as long as they got 24 more hours of being paid not to work.

This is what’s wrong with the world.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Herpes: now with plausible deniability

"Hey, baby. How's about we forget ourselves for a little bit and bump bumps?"
“Hey, baby. How’s about we forget ourselves for a little bit and bump bumps?”

If you’re embarrassed about your case of herpes, don’t worry. In a couple of decades, you’ll forget you ever got them. That’s because the antibodies associated with the herpes simplex virus has been linked to Alzheimer’s disease.

Two separate studies found that herpes may cause 40 to 50 percent of Alzheimer’s cases, although that could be because the people getting herpes already for got to wear a condom or not kiss people whose lips look like Krakatoa.

Paired with today’s earlier news about booze helping your memory in later years — and we all know what happens when you drink: herpes — your chances of retiring with an unimpaired brain are now a wash.