Category: Sex Sells

| Filed under Sex Sells

Court filing: I love laptop

Should you be able to marry your laptop? One man in Florida thinks so.

A man in Florida has filed a motion to intervene in a gay marriage case on behalf of another sexual minority, namely, those who want to marry their laptops. What may be the most surprising there is that even though the case is filed in Florida, it’s not simply filed because some dude really wants to make an honest computer out of his laptop, he’s got another reason.

Chris Sevier argues in his filing that if people can marry even though they are the same gender, he should be able to marry his laptop. This is what passes for clever in Florida.

It’s just not a fair comparison. Millions of people are unable to trade in their spouses when they start slowing down.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Hey, baby … no, wait. Come back.

Oh, yeah? If guys can't make sexy talk, then how did the Village People write an entire song about it?
Oh, yeah? If guys can’t make sexy talk, then how did the Village People write an entire song about it?

The Guys like to think of ourselves as debonair masters of seduction. Which is why we’re kind of surprised that our sexy voices don’t work. That’s according to some alleged research by psychologists at Albright College.

In the experiment, 20 men and 20 women tried their sexy voices — you know: deeper, smokier, less-Jerry Lewis-y (but not by that much) — on an audience of 40 people. And, according to those 40 people, men just couldn’t summon sexy if sexy were a rabid dingo and they were wearing a suit made of babies. “In fact,” said study author Susan Hughes, “although not significantly, it got a bit worse when men tried to sound sexy.”

But, we’re not feeling daunted. Perhaps it works for The Guys because we’re too sexy looking, so using ineffectual sexy talk makes us more accessible, sort of like Anne Hathaway’s … everything.

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More like New Humpshire

We're not too surprised at New Hampshire's moral flexibility. It's been scissoring Vermont since 1763.
We’re not too surprised at New Hampshire’s moral flexibility. It’s been scissoring Vermont since 1763.

New Hampshire is set to decriminalize “gettin’ some strange.” All that remains is for Gov. Maggie Hassan to sign it into law.

Adultery has been a stocks, lashing, jailing and fining offense in the state since 1791. However, theme parks turning the stockades into tourist attractions kind of took the sting out of the punishment, so it’s gradually become just an unenforced fine. (Also, the lashings typically take place in the bedroom during the offense now.) The last logical step was to just decriminalize it entirely.

So, if your spouse suddenly takes an interest in the Granite State, it might not be for the tax-free shopping.

| Filed under Facepalm, Sex Sells

NYC, rubber; Dominican Republic, glue

"I ❤ New York! I just don't ❤ it bareback."
“I ❤ New York! I just don’t ❤ it bareback.”

So, uh, if you’ve been looking for the free condoms New York City distributed everywhere and can’t find them, you could try looking in the Dominican Republic. (They’re always in the last place you look, like still in your date.)

Apparently somebody has gathered them up and shipped them over to vendors in DR, and they’re making a nice profit by selling what were free for 50 cents a pop. Or, if they don’t pop, a fill.

However, city officials aren’t about to do anything about it as the lost condoms don’t make up a large percentage of the number the city distributes every year. So, going back to the opening sentence: if you’ve been looking for free condoms in NYC, and aren’t finding them, then it’s not because somebody shanghaied them off to the Caribbean. It’s because you’re a lazy scumbag.

| Filed under Scurry to the Capitol, Sex Sells

Red meat for red members

This is J.D. J.D.'s doing well, very well indeed. That's because he noticed that  Boehner sounds a lot like "boner" and made a campaign out of it. Oh, and "something something Constitution."
This is J.D. J.D.’s doing well, very well indeed. That’s because he noticed that Boehner sounds a lot like “boner” and made a campaign out of it. Oh, and “something something Constitution.”

As has become tradition in red states since the 2008 election, House Speaker John Boehner faces a primary challenge this year from Tea Party candidates. What’s not so traditional is how stiff the competition has become for the top-ranking Republican in the federal government.

J.D. Winteregg, a high school teacher and suprisingly not a children’s book author pen name, is one of Speaker Boehner’s three primary challengers. And of those three, he’s the only one to run an ad that accuses the speaker of “electile dysfunction.”

‘Sometimes, when a politician has been in DC too long, it goes to his head and he just can’t seem to get the job done. Used on a daily basis, Winteregg in Congress will help you every time the moment is right to have your voice heard on the federal level.’

How do you know if you are experiencing E.D.? Symptoms may include “extreme skin discoloration,” smoking, golf, and the “inability to punch oneself out a wet paper bag or maintain a spine in the face of liberal opposition.”

The question remains, however, if Winteregg can keep it up until November. You’ll hear from us first if he doesn’t pull out early.

Penis.

| Filed under Sex Sells

US Airways: Here’s where you can stick your complaint

We’re willing to guess that the people who work at airport ticket counters and gates are some of the least happy people who have a job. Then there are the people who work the social media accounts of airlines. If upset passengers are rude in public, they are sure no kinder in the anonymous rage factory that is the internet. At some point, you’re going to snap, and that may have happened yesterday when US Airways tweeted a sexually explicit image to a customer (image-free and SFW).

When some girl named Alex tweeted at that it ruined her spring break, the airline replied, “We don’t like to hear this, Alex. Please provide feedback to our Customer Relations team here: [link to photo].” The very-NSFW image, which you can find for yourself if you really want, involved a nude woman and a model Boeing 777 jet that appeared to have crashed up to its wings in a cave.

The merger with American Airlines really has benefited consumers after all.

| Filed under Sex Sells

Crimea: just a test date before really hitting the field

"Yes. Yes, I want to see more Ukrainians. Immediately." (Confused? This women's rights protester is from Ukraine.)
“Yes. Yes, I want to see more Ukrainians. Immediately.” (Confused? This women’s rights protester is from Ukraine.)

Russian President and guy who always asks if you’re going to eat your meat before stealing your entire plate, Vladimir Putin is officially single. He and his now ex-wife, Lyudmila, finalized their divorce according to a Kremlin announcement on Tuesday.

When announcing their separation back in June, Putin stressed that their decision to split was a mutual decision, much in the same way that Putin stresses that it’s a mutual decision to annex parts of other countries.

Based on the timing — coinciding with the ongoing crisis in Crimea — it’s possible that Putin needed to get himself out there on a pick-up date with one of Russia’s exes before he felt ready to see other countries.

If that’s the case, then we may finally understand what Sarah Palin warned us about: Putin rearing his head.

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Press 1 to talk to your sexy physician

Maybe you’ve heard about this Obamacare thing. What you may not know is that covers sexy talk on the phone.

California’s health care exchange, called “Cover California,” had a lot of people rushing to sign up before the deadline a few days ago. The hearing impaired were given a number to help them sign up. It was one digit off.

After dialing, people were greeted with the following message:

Welcome to America’s hottest talk line. Ladies, to talk to interesting and exciting guys free, press one now. Guys, hot ladies are waiting to talk to you. Press two to connect free now.

When it comes to medicine, sometimes the old ways are the best. Health thyself.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Scholarly journal will get you reading again

Scholarly journals aren’t typically the most fun reads out there. But there’s a new one out of Middlesex University in London that you and the rest of the internet just might like.

It’s called Porn Studies. Take a wild guess what it’s about. The good news is that it’s peer-reviewed, which means it really is scientific. And that means it’s all SFW.

| Filed under Sex Sells

It’s a tough job, but somebody has to do them

At the very least, they ask to keep their bachelorette party moonlighting gigs.
At the very least, they ask to keep their bachelorette party moonlighting gigs.

The Honolulu Police Department has one simple request: please allow them to continue having sex with prostitutes.

Not that they’re saying that they do have sex with prostitutes.

Just that if — you know, hypothetically speaking — there was a gun to their head and, given the choice between head and their head, they could choose head. Or something.

But, just to reiterate: this is duty-driven. They’re not using this to just bang hookers. Again, not that they are.

And here you thought it was bad when they used their privilege to speed or run red lights.