Now, this blog isn’t one to give a rat’s ass about an otter’s penis, but scientists are worried the same could happen to human male dudes. The theory is that the more chemicals that get into the water and air, the more wildlife consume, and some of those chemicals are affecting their bodies in bad ways. That means the same could happen to us.
For the record, pollution has yet to affect The Guys, since we flush the bad chemicals from our bodies with alcohol.
It used to be all you could get was a double soy latte. Now, the horrors of a double breast smooch mocha cappuccino have been put to rest as brave enforcers of the law have finally arrested individuals serving more than just coffee.
The law enforcement for city of Everett, Washington, used taxpayer dollars to fund a two-month-long sting operation of a bikini barista coffee house.
NASA ground controllers briefly lost contact with astronauts aboard the International Space Station on Tuesday. The sexy pinnacles of American, Russian and Canadian physical and mental prowess were left unattended for three hours due to a computer problem.
Who knows what they were doing up there, all alone, with no supervision, gravity or rules …
We, the people of Earth, welcome the U.S.-Russian-(really?) Canadian blackout super-baby as our new overlord.
(Yes, The Guys are fully aware that all six members of the current ISS crew are men. But, who knows what space radiation does to a man, and have you seen Chris Hadfield’s Swanson of a mustache? Who could quit that?)
This post contains sex and violence, but we know you’re at work, so we will try to keep it as PG as we can, so as to elude your company’s filters.
In Fargo, North Dakota, known as a land of excitement, especially this time of year (yesterday’s high was 0 degrees Fahrenheit), a couple of friends recently went out to a bar and ended up bringing back the same lady. According to police reports, Ashley Hunter, 33, and Orlando DeWitt, 37, proceeded to do the wobbly H with the woman, until Hunter wanted to switch off. DeWitt refused the trade and an argument started.
That’s when Hunter grabbed a 12-inch butcher knife out of the couch (which is the best place to keep them) and stabbed DeWitt in the arm, which really killed the mood, according to police. The woman said the knife was more like 8 inches.
For those who plan to watch the 55th Annual Grammy Awards, but worry about how the artists being honored on it will offend your sensibilities, don’t you fret: CBS has got this s**t covered. And by s**t, we mean “buttock crack” and “female breast nipples.”
The broadcasting company distributed a memo to all invited attendees, advising them to keep their “buttocks and female breasts [...] adequately covered.” This is best accomplished by eschewing “thong-type dresses” and outfits with “bare sides or under curvature of the breasts.” (We’re still talking about female breasts, right? Can Diddy still wear a plunging neckline?)
Viewers will have to settle for being offended by whatever the attendees say in acceptance speeches and the lyrics of their songs, instead. You know, because music is terrible now, but god forbid you find something better to watch than an awards show.
Durex, the Pepsi of condoms, has a plan to directly compete with the Trojan Man: by actually delivering prophylactics to your door, not just pretending like in Trojan ads. They’ve launched a delivery service in Dubai, where it’s easy to get laid but hard to buy condoms because of the rest of the United Arab Emirates’ conservative culture.
An app called SOS Condoms transmits your GPS location to the delivery service, which a “discreet and professional delivery team” uses to deliver a dozen condoms between 4 pm and 4 am for $15 anywhere in Dubai. Those who prefer to make love during the day, however, will be punished with babies and VD.
And if you’re jealous of Dubai and their Durex deliveries, nominate your city today to become the next SOS Condom recipients!
If you ever live old enough and can afford to retire, which if you regularly read this blog seems like an unlikely scenario, we recommend retiring in England, where assisted living facilities offer a bit more than their U.S. counterparts.
One such place, which promises a holistic approach to their care, is now hiring strippers and escorts for their residents. This, coupled with all those reports of all the old-people sex going on at retirement homes, makes us think that retirement may finally sound more like college than prison.
The Guys aren’t judging you. It’s perfectly natural for men over 40 to lose some of their vigor and to give anything, even steak, to keep their dicks going. Just remember: that doesn’t mean you have to stop killing animals. Who knows? Maybe a few dead ducks will help you get it up.
So, if you’re going vegetarian, please renew your pledge to fight for humanity in the War on Animals. Nobody says you have to eat what you kill. (We’re pretty sure that’s against the Geneva Convention, anyway.)
For men who thought that sharing housework duties would make your relationship more fulfilling, that’s true … for your wife. A new study, however, found that it could mean less sex for you.
Couples in more egalitarian relationships where men performed “traditionally female chores — such as cooking, cleaning and shopping” reported having less sex than those couples in which the men performed “traditionally masculine tasks — such as yard work, paying bills and auto maintenance.” Men in the survey reported having sex an average 5.2 times a month, while women reported 5.6.
… Wait a minute. 5.2 versus 5.6?
And now we know: cooking, cleaning and shopping cut into valuable affair-having time — time that women now enjoy.
As the U.S. begins to lift the ban on women in small combat units, Germany has proposed another solution: man-made Amazons. One battalion, the Wachbattalion, has suddenly had more boys asking it to dance now that all the men are growing left breasts. Not pecs, mind you: full-on titties.
Doctors believe it comes from repeatedly smacking their rifles against the left side of their chest during precision drilling. Pounding on that same spot has caused a condition called gynecomastia, in which the male body is stimulated into producing the hormones that grow moobs. Over 70 percent of the battalion has been affected, while the other 30 percent have written letters to god in their diaries, wondering when it will be their turn to blossom.
But, don’t worry: the German military takes this very seriously:
Military officials have promised to keep an eye on the men’s breasts. ‘The affected soldiers are being medically supervised and treated individually,’ an army spokesman told the Herald.
Who wants to bet it involves a lot of massages and shirts-vs-skins basketball?
[Special thanks to Patrick H. for the link! That's two in two days.]