Two fewer reasons to watch the Grammys this year

Chris Brown, who was nominated yet again this year, plans to beat up anybody who tells him to button his shirt. (So long as they're a woman or gay, of course.)
Chris Brown, who was nominated yet again this year, plans to beat up anybody who tells him to button his shirt. (So long as they’re a woman or gay, of course.)

For those who plan to watch the 55th Annual¬† Grammy Awards, but worry about how the artists being honored on it will offend your sensibilities, don’t you fret: CBS has got this s**t covered. And by s**t, we mean “buttock crack” and “female breast nipples.”

The broadcasting company distributed a memo to all invited attendees, advising them to keep their “buttocks and female breasts […] adequately covered.” This is best accomplished by eschewing “thong-type dresses” and outfits with “bare sides or under curvature of the breasts.” (We’re still talking about female breasts, right? Can Diddy still wear a plunging neckline?)

Viewers will have to settle for being offended by whatever the attendees say in acceptance speeches and the lyrics of their songs, instead. You know, because music is terrible now, but god forbid you find something better to watch than an awards show.

Dubai landsharks excited about sexy new alias

Nothing says "discrete" like deploying a delivery team to your door.
Nothing says “discreet” like deploying a delivery team to your door.

Durex, the Pepsi of condoms, has a plan to directly compete with the Trojan Man: by actually delivering prophylactics to your door, not just pretending like in Trojan ads. They’ve launched a delivery service in Dubai, where it’s easy to get laid but hard to buy condoms because of the rest of the United Arab Emirates’ conservative culture.

An app called SOS Condoms transmits your GPS location to the delivery service, which a “discreet and professional delivery team” uses to deliver a dozen condoms between 4 pm and 4 am for $15 anywhere in Dubai. Those who prefer to make love during the day, however, will be punished with babies and VD.

And if you’re jealous of Dubai and their Durex deliveries, nominate your city today to become the next SOS Condom recipients!

Grandpa’s never been so happy

If you ever live old enough and can afford to retire, which if you regularly read this blog seems like an unlikely scenario, we recommend retiring in England, where assisted living facilities offer a bit more than their U.S. counterparts.

One such place, which promises a holistic approach to their care, is now hiring strippers and escorts for their residents. This, coupled with all those reports of all the old-people sex going on at retirement homes, makes us think that retirement may finally sound more like college than prison.

Go veggie, but keep killing animals

When thinking about dead puppies doesn't work, you might be tempted to try anything -- even going vegetarian -- to get your manhood back.
When thinking about dead puppies doesn’t work, you might be tempted to try anything — even going vegetarian — to get your manhood back.

If you’ve experienced erectile dysfunction lately, then you may be considering going vegetarian. Not because you’re less of a man, so you might as well give up bacon, but because E.D. could indicate the onset of heart disease, and vegetarians are a third less likely to die from it than proud animal devourers.

The Guys aren’t judging you. It’s perfectly natural for men over 40 to lose some of their vigor and to give anything, even steak, to keep their dicks going. Just remember: that doesn’t mean you have to stop killing animals. Who knows? Maybe a few dead ducks will help you get it up.

So, if you’re going vegetarian, please renew your pledge to fight for humanity in the War on Animals. Nobody says you have to eat what you kill. (We’re pretty sure that’s against the Geneva Convention, anyway.)

Chores are a waste of time

... right after you finish the laundry and dishes, vacuuming and mopping the floor, picking up the groceries ...
… right after you finish the laundry and dishes, vacuuming and mopping the floor, dusting, changing the bed linens, picking up the groceries …

For men who thought that sharing housework duties would make your relationship more fulfilling, that’s true … for your wife. A new study, however, found that it could mean less sex for you.

Couples in more egalitarian relationships where men performed “traditionally female chores — such as cooking, cleaning and shopping” reported having less sex than those couples in which the men performed “traditionally masculine tasks — such as yard work, paying bills and auto maintenance.” Men in the survey reported having sex an average 5.2 times a month, while women reported 5.6.

… Wait a minute. 5.2 versus 5.6?

And now we know: cooking, cleaning and shopping cut into valuable affair-having time — time that women now enjoy.

German army keeps abreast on new diversionary tactics

Seasoned German parade leaders (left) get extra tassels for growing a magnificent martial mammary.
Seasoned German parade leaders (left) get extra tassels for growing a magnificent martial mammary.

As the U.S. begins to lift the ban on women in small combat units, Germany has proposed another solution: man-made Amazons. One battalion, the Wachbattalion, has suddenly had more boys asking it to dance now that all the men are growing left breasts. Not pecs, mind you: full-on titties.

Doctors believe it comes from repeatedly smacking their rifles against the left side of their chest during precision drilling. Pounding on that same spot has caused a condition called gynecomastia, in which the male body is stimulated into producing the hormones that grow moobs. Over 70 percent of the battalion has been affected, while the other 30 percent have written letters to god in their diaries, wondering when it will be their turn to blossom.

But, don’t worry: the German military takes this very seriously:

Military officials have promised to keep an eye on the men’s breasts. ‘The affected soldiers are being medically supervised and treated individually,’ an army spokesman told the Herald.

Who wants to bet it involves a lot of massages and shirts-vs-skins basketball?

[Special thanks to Patrick H. for the link! That’s two in two days.]

Be sure to use a screen protector

Guys who wear turtlenecks swear they need an iPad to make the app work.
Guys who wear turtlenecks swear they need an iPad to make the app work.

When it comes to male genitalia, size matters. At least, it does during dick measuring contests. Or, according to the makers of a smart phone app that measures your penis, when selecting a properly sized condom.

Research by the American Sexual Health Association indicates that men who forgo wearing condoms during sex often do so because they don’t fit comfortably. This has contributed to, according to sex researchers from Indiana University, a misconception that condoms reduce sexual satisfaction in general. Ergo: using the Condom Size app from VSM Enterprises to properly appraise your penis should help you enjoy more pleasurable, safer sex.

It’s as easy as one-two-holding “your hard member straight against inches or centimeters on side screen,” and then using a piece of string for your girth measurements. (Well, that escalated rather quickly, didn’t it?)

Oh, and did we mention that you can then compare your results to men around the world to see how you measure up? So, even if you’re not conventionally big in America, you could still be huge in South and North Korea, the two countries tied for smallest on average.

[Special thanks to Jenna B. for the link!]

Some battles bring their own benefits

We all know that this war we fight is constant, and it is dangerous. We’ve known that it wouldn’t be a short fight, but we didn’t realize that we had been fighting it for longer than we had declared. Folks, sometimes the War on Animals is fought in your pants, and we’re proud to say that’s a war we’re winning.

Thanks to advances in personal grooming over the past 20 years or so, doctors are reporting that cases of public lice are way, way down. Many doctors are reporting that they haven’t seen cases of crab-like lice in years, and they attribute it to waxing and shaving of the short and curlies, especially for women. So keep fighting, brave citizens!

Bonobos discover two-thirds of human ‘date night’

"Hey, baby. How's about dinner at my place followed by bananas foster?"
“Hey, baby. How’s about dinner at my place followed by bananas foster?”

We already that bonobos, one of our closest ape relatives, do it people-style (i.e., face-to-face just long enough until it’s OK to switch to doggy-style). But, their theft of human mating rituals has just gone too far. According to a new study, bonobos offer food to strangers to make friends and do so more often than with already established friends and family.

People, do you know what this means? Apes are asking each other “out to dinner” with an implied furry dessert. They’re only a movie away from co-opting human date night.

Finally, somebody stands up for child rape

But you can't hold a whole school responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole college football system? And if the whole football system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, Greg - isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!
“But you can’t hold a whole school responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn’t we blame the whole college football system? And if the whole football system is guilty, then isn’t this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, Greg – isn’t this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we’re not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!”

Pennsylvania Governor Bill Corbett filed a lawsuit against the NCAA for their sanctions against Penn State. The school received a $60 million fine, a four year bowl game ban and limited scholarships for, according to a report by former FBI director Louis Freeh, failing to disclose Jerry Sandusky’s shower fun times with children since they first became aware of it back in 1998.

Gov. Corbett, who served on the Penn State Board of Trustees back when the scandal broke, reviewed the NCAA’s bylaws and alleged that the college sports association overstepped its boundaries:

“Corbett’s spokesman, Kevin Harley, said Corbett came to believe the NCAA had overstepped its bounds and had not followed its bylaws, which limited sanctions to infractions relating to recruitment, academics, and football.”

See? Nothing about molesting children, so it’s OK when your school profits from it.