Ahoy, me hearties! As ye know, today be Talk Like a Pirate Day, an’ the Guys are here to celebrate it. However, this post comes with a trigger warnin’: if ye are a man, ye may want to skip this one. Turn back now, here there be monsters.
We take ye to Austria, where a casual drive ended up with a landlubbber having surgery on his plank. Accordin’ to authorities, a man and a wench were out for a drive, and to use the medical terminology, the woman was performin’ a sword-swallowing trick fer the man, who was drivin’. A deer suddenly jumped out in front o’ the car, causing the man to slam on the brakes, and the woman accidentally bit down.
Luckily, surgeons say the wound to the man’s manhood was superficial, and he should be out o’ dry dock soon.
Suddenly every blues song ever written seems justified.
According to researchers at the University of Texas, women are genetically programmed to cheat. Women, especially childless women, are predisposed to cheat on their mate as a means of a backup plan. They argue that way back when, it wasn’t too common for people to live past 30, so having a side piece in case your mate died made sense, and it got bred into us.
Better go home and read all the texts on her phone.
Science is about asking questions. Unfortunately, many of them will not likely be answered definitively in our lifetimes. So, while some researchers might wonder what gravity actually is or if its possible to work around the speed of light, the big questions will likely remain a mystery, like why men have nipples or women insist on having orgasms.
But, maybe not! When confronted with the mystery of how and why women have orgasms, two scientists think it might be because they’re not really meant to. Not anymore, anyway.
However, once humans evolved to a monthly ovulation cycle, the female orgasm and resulting hormones became no longer essential to conception. And we’re guessing that years of lackluster sex led to selective breeding that placed the clitoris in easier to reach spots for DIY.
So, there you go. Just like with men, the female orgasm might be an afterthought of evolution.
Unless you’re a banker or cheese enthusiast, you’ve probably never felt the urge to travel to Switzerland. After a new cafe opens in Geneva, you may actually consider moving there.
A full-service cafe is in the works for the city, and by “full service,” we mean, “full-service.” Coffee enthusiasts would be able to enjoy their morning cup accompanied by oral sex from the prostitute of their choice. The business plan is sure to keep them coming back. Order your unusually expensive coffee, then select on an iPad the prostitute you want for your new favorite morning ritual. The cafe would be the first of its kind in Switzerland if it is approved.
The down side is that the cafe is sure to have long lines due to slow service.
At this point we realize that reality shows are fake, right? Most of them are scripted in some way, and those that aren’t are heavily edited to create drama where there was really just a typical conversation. But things got real for a ghost hunter show veteran recently.
In the U.K., Mike Covell, who has appeared on ghost hunter shows in Europe, was giving a tour of a haunted graveyard — because that’s dedication to bit — when his tour group of 12 stumbled upon a porn scene being filmed in broad daylight. The couple and two-man film crew quickly made a break for it, and the tourists were likely sad that the moans they had heard weren’t supernatural at all.
If beetles don’t use it, they lose it, according to a recent study.
Male burying beetles have a big incentive to get it on, as the more they do, the bigger their genitalia get, researchers at University of Exeter have found. What’s more, the female of the aptly named beetles also sees an increase in genital size. Literally, the more they do it, the more rapidly their naughty parts develop.
Researchers also found that these traits could then be passed on through the generations. So maybe there’s hope for you after all.
One of the worst parts about being pregnant, aside from knowing that one day your genitals will explode, is the months on end of sobriety. Sure, the cool doctors say you can have a glass of wine every now and then, but that’s like having a bite of cake while everyone else has their own slice. Turns out that dudes can also negatively affect their unborn children by drinking.
People who are frightened of things like to say that we’re not as good as we used to be, saying we’re losing our morality. They love to say technology is the cause of this. But it turns out, it may be making us more religious.
According to a recent study, if you watch porn regularly, there’s a good chance you’ll start attending church regularly. This flies in the face of what Bible beaters have been saying as long as there have been Bibles to beat. A survey of about 1,200 people found a connection between viewing frequency and how often they attend religious services. The theory is that the more people watch, the more they feel guilty and seek religion.
So God may be watching you, but he also knows he’ll see you on Sunday.
We always wondered what it would be like to talk with animals. It turns out that animals can talk, we just didn’t listen. Fortunately, they finally found the only means of communicating that — as women will attest — The Guys will pay attention to: great tits!
Scientists studied the calls of Japanese great tits (with that distinction, we’re obviously talking about birds) and discovered that they use combinations of chirps to convey complicated messages. Basically, they use syntax — grammar and vocabulary — just like people, albeit with far less of each and fewer stupid rules carried over from Latin.
So, we’re now retroactively offended every time a couple of tits refuse to speak English in front of us. You just know they’re squawking something about the tops of our heads.