The Guys being, well, guys, know better than anyone how important sperm count, morphology and motility is to men. They are, after all, the third, fourth and fifth factors by which we compare ourselves to competitors, right after penis length and pissing distance. (Note: penis length can be an unfair advantage in pissing contests, which is why urine streams are measured from the urethra to point of contact with the ground or objet d’piss.)
Good News: Countering previous research, caffeine itself does not affect your sperm! Holding a hot coffee cup between your legs, however, does.
Bad News: Bacon — and other processed meats — deforms your sperm, and while women love the Hunchback of Notre Dame as much as they love bacon, they still don’t want millions of Quasimodos or Oscar Meyers inside of them.
Good News: Alcohol doesn’t affect your sperm, either! And, since they’re not driving, there’s no reason to believe they pose a risk to other organs and cells on the way to the egg. (Just careers and bank accounts.)
Indifferent News: Exercise (except bike-riding) and fish also improve your sperm. So, that’s good news if you’re a weightlifter in Maine.
If you’re going to an art expo in northeast China, one of the most interesting items is no longer on display.
A female robot intended to serve as a tour guide at the Jinzhou World Garden Art Expo has to be removed, because the tourists couldn’t keep their hands off of her. Visitors were so curious about what was under the robot’s clothes that officials decided to take it out of commission.
Once again, being attractive can hurt your career.
Of course, that’s just a premise for writing about chic-gadget lab Nest and their plans to do what they did to thermostats and do it to smoke detectors. And if you haven’t seen a Nest thermostat, let us tell you: these aren’t the ones your dad used to screw in the garage.
So, what does this makeover entail? Nobody knows. There’s been a press release that this is what Nest plans to do next, but without any details. Will there be a iPod-like design? Maybe. Can you get updates from it to your phone? Probably. Will it smoke cigarettes to set itself off every so often, letting you feel like it was worth spending more than $15 on a designer smoke alarm? It’d better.
We just hope it live-tweets when it goes off, but in a funny way so that it wins you new followers. That should cover the costs of rebuilding and buying a new home.
The porn industry is facing its worst health and P.R. nightmare since being porn: four actors have tested positive for HIV.
What doesn’t help is that this comes after it essentially left Los Angeles to escape the city’s workplace condom requirement. (It’s only if you work on a porn set, so you can put that pack of Trojans away, Port of Los Angeles dockworkers.)
New research indicates that eating out hurts work productivity, but there’s no word if it helps foster more giving workplace relationships. Still, we’re not sure how to initiate the act in the office without risking an appointment with HR …
Oh … never mind. They mean leaving the office to eat lunch.
Scientists at Humboldt University found that workers who go out and eat lunch with a friend switch off the necessary tools for “cognitive control and error monitoring,” meaning that they came back to the office relaxed and gave not one s**t about the work they left behind.
But, to reiterate: they did not study the effects of cunnilingus in the workplace. They did, however, recommend eating at your desk, so interpret that as you will.
The hot, sweaty book club for Fifty Shades of Grey is bigger than we thought. There at least 166 previously unknown members, and they’re all locked up in Gitmo.
On a recent visit to the Guantanamo detention camp, U.S. Rep. Jim Moran, D-Va., claims to have discovered that the most popular book among the inmates is not the Koran, but the entire Fifty Shades trilogy. So, they’re sort of like Christians who claim that the Bible is their favorite book.
If we hope to ever end the War on Terror, this may be a sure sign that Western hedonism has won the day. That, or over 10 years of indefinite imprisonment and “enhanced interrogations” has turned what were potentially America’s greatest threat into BDSM enthusiasts.
Arizona Senator John McCain was recently asked about his support of a movement that would replace the current dollar bill with a $1 coin. McCain, thinking of the well-being of our scantily clad friends, said he hopes it leads to bigger tips.
Fellas, watch out for the women out there. You may not have heard about this, but the ones who shake something other than your hand as a greeting may not actually come to you in honesty, no matter how hard they shake it.
In Oregon, a caretaker was helping a patient move, or something like that, when suddenly, two women pulled up in a truck and called him over. With a seemingly inhuman reach one of the women reached down and greeted the man by grabbing his crotch. Naturally, he was smitten, and agreed to meet for coffee the next day
Naturally, he met with them next the next, and met with them in their car. They tried to coax him out of his debit card PIN, after a long drive, they gave up.
There are some of you readers out there who might think that our War on Animals is merely a play on our national pastime of declaring war on ridiculous things, like terror or drugs.
And you would be wrong, because the War on Animals is the War on Drugs and War on Terror. Or, as your red-faced uncle who’s worked as a government contractor for far too long calls it: the War on Narcoterrorism. Well, add another couple of syllables, because squid are engaged in sexu-narco-terror.
Female squid, which reproduce externally in front of God and everybody, have been observed eating free-floating male sperm. Science can’t agree on any one explanation for it, but it’s to possibly sample male semen, Pablo Escobar-style, before agreeing to take on the rest of the “package.” Or, to remove any delicious, yet undesirable suitors from the frothy mix.
One thing is for certain: they can’t get enough of its health properties. Squid semen contains so many nutrients — like Vitamin C, protein and zinc — that biologists are classifying it as a potential new superfood.
So, watch out pomegranates and avocados! There’s competition coming, and good luck keeping it out of your hair.
[Special thanks to Jaime W. for shooting this story across our news desk.]
Michael Douglas, star of The Guys’ favorite childhood movies — Romancing the Stone and Falling Down — paused his career a few years ago to punch throat cancer right in the balls. Now that it’s in remission, he’s back to acting in a new HBO biopic, Behind the Candelabra, where he plays Liberace making sweet, sweet love to Matt Damon.
And in totally unrelated news, he’d like to remind you that he has sex with women. So much so that he swears that he got his throat cancer by contracting HPV from having oral sex with women. Like, so many women, you guys. And did he mention he’s also married to Catherine Zeta-Jones? C’mon, that’s like a straight man’s Porche. As opposed to his Ferrari, which sits in the garage, never driven except at big public events.
So, to recap: Michael Douglas, back in the acting chair and can play gay, but loves women so much that they almost killed him. That’s some fine PR-ing, Mike.
[Special thanks to Jaime W. for the tip! Uh, we mean link to the story.]