Category: Stripper News

Breastfeeding our ailing national pastime

A Los Angeles area Little League is in dire straits and could really use a miracle right now. And that’s when some angels show up to save the day — some naughty angels, that is.

The Lennox Little League, a poor urban community, was almost unable to pay increasing fees and can no longer sell grilled concessions thanks to regulations imposed by the K-8 Lennox School District. The Jet Strip, a local strip club whose manager serves on the all-volunteer Lennox Coordinating Council, donated $1200 to cover them for the year.

And it makes sense. Without future baseball players, who will support the strippers of tomorrow? Golfers? Please. There aren’t entire teams of golfers.

What to get for the monarch who has everything

Did you wait until the last minute to get something for that special someone this Valentine’s Day, and all that’s left in stores are the inflammatory cards and diabetic chocolates? Well, there’s one grand gesture you could make, and it only costs a mere £510 ($800 U.S.): mooning the Queen.

Australian barman, Liam Warriner, mooned Queen Elizabeth II during her October visit to Australia. He ran alongside her motorcade — bare-assed — for 50 yards, clutching an Australian flag between his buttocks the entire time. Warriner told police that he did it to protest elitism, but that athletic performance definitely ranks him in the elite.

IOC, make the pants-less 50 yard butt relay an Olympic event now!

A not-so-Super Sunday

Why, hello there, reader. Big plans for the weekend? Well, before you let the crazy train leave suburban station, there are a couple of things you need to be aware of.

First, the U.S. House of Representatives would prefer it if you didn’t spend your welfare check on strippers. They passed a bill that “would bar welfare recipients from spending their benefits in strip clubs and casinos,” saying that kind of behavior is better paid through Republican donor parties.

And if that wasn’t weird enough, guess who’s going after child sex trafficking? No, the Catholic Church. (I know, right?) A team of nuns have alerted over 200 hotels in the Indianapolis area so they’ll know what child sex looks like for the Super Bowl. Nobody’s sure why the Super Bowl would be a banner day for pederasty — maybe because nothing sets the mood like the Puppy Bowl — but, it looks like we’re gonna have to settle for nachos and beer this year.

Their enlargened heart fits due to their enlargened cup size

It’s just about Christmas time, people: less than two weeks! And as you, and you, and you, and I all know, the reason for the season is what?

Strippers! No, I mean, kids. But what if we could combine the two?

Hold on, please don’t contact the local authorities or the FBI yet, as it’s not technically my idea. The idea actually belongs to the Admiral Theatre in Chicago. Yes, the Admiral Theatre has decided that this week, and this week only, kind and generous patrons that bring in an unwrapped, unused toy will get a free lap dance. Though it’s said that the free lap dance is limited to one per customer, it doesn’t say just one in a week.

Be kind and generous! You can help stimulate the economy by buying and toy and in doing so, help stimulate, ummm … your wallet holder. Yes, that’s what we’ll go with.

Does this dead guy know how to party or what?!

Of all the things you can do with a corpse, the “Weekend at Bernie’s” runs a close second to … well, ask your parents. And when Robert Young and Mark Rubinson found their buddy Jeffery Jarrett dead in his home, they (allegedly) knew that Jeff had just delivered them a godsend.

According to police, the two picked Jarrett up off of whatever he died on (please say it was the toilet, please please please) and loaded him into an SUV. They then used Jarrett’s money to pay for drinks and food at two locations, dropped him back off at home — because he’d obviously had enough — and then went back out to a strip club.

At this point, once they had ditched the body, you could argue that they were just taking advantage of their friend’s death to profit. But, explain this: when they got to the strip club, they withdrew $400 from the ATM with his debit card.

You may think you’re tight with your friends, but are you close enough to create a death pact with them, including the PIN to your bank account?

First struggling anything to not consider stripping

The town of Lead, South Dakota took a vote and decided not to allow nude dancing in its “downtown” regions.

South Dakota law allows for nudie bars, provided they are at least a quarter mile from residences, businesses or community gathering places, which in our books would mean “anywhere, including within itself.” Apparently, though, the law can be changed by local ordinances, and that failed to happen in Lead.

This decision could have really boosted Lead’s economy, especially since the town is home to the one of the largest shafts in the Western Hemisphere. The shaft is so massive, in fact, that scientists are able to research neutrinos and other cosmic phenomena inside of it. To really put this shaft into perspective, it is so mindbogglingly immense that your mom calls it on those weekends when you stay with your dad.

On second thought, maybe the people of Lead voted correctly.

We’re milkin’ it

For at least the first six years of The Guys’ lives, we were breastfed. When we were kicked off the teat habit, we picked up drinking, which probably says all sorts of Freudian things about us.

So, we get it when mothers want to breastfeed wherever and whenever it’s necessary. We could really kick over some store displays when we went into withdrawal. (The shakes can really boost the force behind a toddler’s weight.)

But, in McDonald’s? Really?

“Most critics said they feel nursing should be a private thing between a mother and her child, to which one nurse-in mother said, ‘Do you want me to take my baby into a dirty bathroom stall?’“

Lady, look around. You’re in a McDonald’s. There isn’t a whole lot of difference between the floors in the bathroom or the dining room. And you can get crabs from either’s seating.

Top that, SeriouslyReaders!

The next time you play “Truth or Dare,” know that there is no way kissing another dude or wearing a diaper through the drive-thru will ever top this.

A naked woman stole a car at 5 am from a guy posting business signs on the side of the highway. Because turnaround is fair play, that guy stole her car.

The guy and the police chased her until she crashed his car into a gate. The police pursued her on foot, but couldn’t grab her because she was too slippery from sweat and blood. She literally slipped through their fingers and stole a cop car.

She crashed that car into a highway berm and sustained flight for 50 feet.

She then ran on foot again, and scaled a barb wire fence before the cops finally tazed her. (And here we thought they pulled those out at the drop of a candy wrapper.)

In other “Truth or Dare” news:
Monaco’s royal family has named at least two princes Albert.

The skies are getting friendlier

Women, so it is said, are people too. It is important that we menfolk treat them as equals, otherwise they’ll do something crazy like ban alcohol again. In Spain, it’s no different.

Flight attendants for Air Comet, which is also probably the name for a Nerf gun, have gone for nine months without pay. They’re not happy about it for obvious reasons, and they want people to pay attention to them. So naturally, they have posed for a nude calendar–three months into the year–and are selling it to get people informed about their situation, if you know what we mean.

Take that, Air Comet! You can’t just use flight attendants as objects!

Interesting choice of battle there

The Republican Party’s had a rough couple of weeks. They lost the fight over health care reform. They had some trouble outright condemning death threats and failing to distance themselves from racist lunatics. The Pentagon’s trying to make the military more gay-friendly. The President even co-opted their idea to expand oil exploration off the mid-Atlantic coast.

Through all of that, the faithful have remained …

… that is, until LesboStripperGate 2010!

After it was revealed that the Republican National Committee funded a $2000 field trip to see How Lesbians Work, family values “expert” Tony Perkins, Sarah Palin and others have announced that they are boycotting the RNC and encourage others to do the same.

Really? Strippers are the line? They do realize that there is no–none–sex in the champagne room, right?

All the same, we’d like to officially welcome the GOP to the third party ghetto now.