Category: Stripper News

Have you helped Haiti yet?

We know you feel bad about the earthquake in Haiti, and we hope you have donated in some way to the tragedy. There are so many ways to help the troubled country, the New Orleans Saints did their best by winning the Super Bowl, unfortunately, Pierre Garçon, who is Haitian-American, was on the Colts.

Having you considered giving back by getting a lap dance?

A strip club in Toledo, Ohio offered a promotion they subtly titled “Lap Dances for Haiti.” The only problem is that lap dances are illegal in Ohio, so they just charged a $10 cover charge which raised nearly $1,000 for International Services of Hope.

Key quote: “You don’t hear much about strip clubs giving back to the community.”

The relief effort went far better than the strip club’s attempt to help build schools on Native American reservations, called “Lap Dances with Wolves.”

(Via Consumerist)

It’s like ‘Top Gun’ but in boats … and weird

If Top Gun taught us anything, it’s that communism is best faced over international waters as wet and nakedly as possible. That was 1986.

Since then, the military has faced numerous anti-Top Gun obstacles, including the collapse of communism in the Soviet Union and the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.

However, in 2009, the Navy truly loves the ’80s, thanks in part to the Chinese.

During a surveillance mission over 100 miles off the coast of China, the USNS Impeccable found a collection Chinese naval, state and civilian vessels shadowing it. Two of the ships approached, their crews waving Chinese flags and telling the Impeccable to go home. The Impeccable, knowing this was the Top Gun moment they had waited their entire careers for, opened up on them with their fire hoses.

The wet fun didn’t stop there. The Chinese sailors stripped down to their underwear and continued to taunt the American crew provocatively. (What were the chances they’d run into the Chinese on laundry day?)

Creeped out but not wanting to seem homophobic, the Impeccable informed the ships “in a friendly manner” that they were leaving the area. One of the Chinese vessels maneuvered directly in front of the Impeccable, forcing her to an all-stop. They then dropped their large wooden plank right in front of the American’s nose.

Still, the Impeccable escaped. U.S. and Chinese officials have each lodged complaints against the other’s actions in what may be the world’s first maritime legal “You know how I know you’re gay?” arguments.

Booze and stripclubs = peanut butter meets jelly

Some things in life just go together. For instance, who would want a peanut butter cup without chocolate? Or who would order steak and eggs and just want one of them?

Well, if you’re following my logic then you are also wondering why in the world DuPage County, Illinois would even remotely consider banning booze from their strip clubs. We here at SG support both endeavours involved in this equation. After all, we supply you with the latest booze news, and we also make our money one dollar at a time.

We prefer our breasts prenatal

OK, ladies: what’s the deal?

We’re not allowed to see your breasts in changing rooms or beaches or on carefully hidden bathroom cameras, but we’re supposed to look when you’re breastfeeding?

Let us backtrack a minute.

Heather Farley has, in the spirit of lazy Internet people, started a Facebook group to protest Facebook. It appears the social networking Web site took down photos of her breastfeeding her baby. In response, her group is cleverly tittied titled, “Hey, Facebook, breastfeeding is not obscene!” [exclamation point hers, because that shows she’s serious].

Facebook, the fascist company that hosts her protest group, said the image showed her areola, which — in this Web site’s estimation — violates their image rules.

So, according to Farley, we’re not supposed to look at her breasts when she’s young and hot and fancy free, but she can show them to us when she’s somebody’s mother? With a baby gumming all over the nipples?

This is what’s wrong with America. We don’t want to see them now; we wanted to see them before they reminded us of the dangers of sex.

Is that an insider trading tip in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Economy, why must you suck?

Dow, why have you foresaken me?

Frozen concentrated orange juice, where are you in my time of need?

These and other similar cries of agony can be heard wailing throughout the halls of strip clubs all over New York.

Really? Yep. The Wall Street banking industry may have collapsed in a heap of soiled Armani clothing (I hear a little baking soda will take that right out), but that won’t stop folks from indulging in the little things that make life bearable—like $1,000 lap dances. While others may have tightened their belt a bit, that’s not stopped some. Like, they really haven’t tightened their belt at all. Yes, despite some of the problems you may have heard regarding the strip clubs of New York City, they’re still doing what they can to bolster the economy-which, from what we hear, Wall Street will attempt to as well.

Gotta keep those economic “fundamentals” strong, you know.

Nothing says constructive criticism like a complaint

Were just saying, is all.Construction workers are an odd bunch. Seemingly enough, their region may possibly dictate their behavior. In the past, we’ve reported about those unscrupulous rapscallions, the construction workers of New Zealand, and their odd courtship rituals involving hooting. Approximately a gazillion miles away, we have another example: the gallant and thoughtful construction workers of Portland, Oregon.

Bugwah?!

Yes, true believer, you read right. The Guys never thought that we’d live to see the day that a group of construction workers would actively oppose the sight of exposed female flesh, but hey, I suppose there’s a first time for everything.

Oh, and in the interest of full disclosure, there’s a construction site happening right across the road from where I work. And, I take my breaks down in the cafeteria at 8:30 am and 11:30 am, right beside the 10 foot high windows. You know, just in case any nude roller-bladers might be interested in enjoying the outdoors and whatnot.

Wenches be freeballin’ with a highball

Yarr!

In what be yet more other possible health code violation news: a St. Kilda, Australia, pub be coming under (chain shot) fire fer its “No Undie Sundie” promotion. Apparently, encouragin’ lasses to take off their undergarments in exchange for a $50 drink card just wasn’t the smartest idea. Who would’ve guessed? Certainly not Joe Francis. Personally, the capitalist landlubber with book learnin’ in business thinks that it’s brilliant, of course, but hey, that just be me.

Warrior of the Week: Megan Fox and her passion

It looks like we have finally made our cause against animals one that is sexy enough for Hollywood. It’s only a matter of time before Tom Cruise joins our ranks.

The hot chick from Transformers (and pretty much nothing else) likes boys, but like boys, she once had a thing for female stripper. Sure, that may sound like fodder for a good post, but we’re not done yet.

Fox has risen above the fact that she is in movies almost solely based on her looks to not only get engaged to Brian Austin Green, but also to use her raw, sexual passion for women and transcend it to become a leader in the War on Animals.

“Look, I’m not a lesbian,” said Fox. “I just think that all humans are born with the ability to be attracted to both sexes. I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl — Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands. She’s mesmerizing. And lately I’ve been obsessed with Jenna Jameson, but … oh boy.”

That’s right. Fox wants to strangle a mountain ox (indiginous to the Himalayas) with her bare hands, all because she is so darn attracted to Oliva Wilde. We only wish she had continued her train of thought in the GQ interview so we’d know what else she would kill and what method she would employ for the attention of Jenna Jameson.

Doing the full-frontal funky chicken

It’s booty shaking gone wild!

Nude dancing has become the rage in of all places, Kathmandu. However, it’s not without it’s problems, such as the fact that it’s against the law–sort of. Despite what you might think in their society, and even though nude dancing is not allowed by law in the Hindu society, there’s very little regulation regarding night clubs. Still, not to be deterred, police have been raiding a number of the hedonistic buildings that contain such frivolities as nude dancing, frolicking and anything by Soulja Boy.

Not to be deterred, fans of the fad have begun a protest to combat this terrorism. Their hope? Improve the “deteriorating law and order.” The biggest flaw in their plan? They attempt to do so without the illuminating power of music. Well, that and they’re wearing their clothes while doing so. Treat it like crack, kids! It’s the only way to win!

Hobos score with Scores

Scores is a landmark institution in the New York strip club universe, but both locations are in danger of being shut down permanently because of all the, you know … crime and stuff. Apparently prostitution is frowned on by the law in Manhattan. Who knew? Well, other than the owners of Scores not.

Sadly, what was once a trademark stop for single, heterosexual men has now reluctantly become a lot for hobos to rest their eyes, if for just a bit, as it looks like their liquor license will not be renewed. That’s as good a sign as any for me to avoid the place. How will city hedge fund managers blow their expense accounts on overpriced champagne now?