Take it from Snee: Leave your gun in Missouri or stay home

Nanny states are only hurting themselves by not letting Officer Fedora Mansplain in with the tools to protect us.

If you don’t live in Texas, yet have a disclaimer in your science textbook that “evolution is a theory,” then you may have a good idea why The Concealed-Carry Reciprocity Act is a terrible idea. Of all the addled ideas to come from the minds of people who can’t walk into a coffee shop without the push-button power of life and death in their pocket, this particular brainfart bears the distinction of trumping states’ rights and making everyone less safe.

And if reason doesn’t sway you, the votes of 231 of our current U.S. Representatives should. Unless you want to be considered as smart as a Congressman.

So, why does the NRA want states to recognize the concealed carry permits of places like Missouri, where anyone can “constitutionally carry” concealed guns, with or without a permit? (Quick side question: how well does this go over in the non-backwater areas of Missouri, like St. Louis? I’m sure the police there are all about helping black people arm themselves with more than Skittles and cell phones.)

Because white people are f*cking nihilists. And it’s exhausting.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Leave your gun in Missouri or stay home

Ask Dr. Snee: Overcoming your shortcomings

"It was tiny, and it looked like this!"
“It was tiny, and it looked like this!”

I always wondered if women really cared about, you know, size, and it turns out that they totally do! I’m not exactly the biggest guy around, so what do I do now?
Paul, but Fierce

Whether it’s a big penis or big set of “projecting lateral tubercles,” the ladies are all about size, Paul. It’s what put the “selective” in “selective breeding,” like picking out the least warty cucumber that can also feed a family of four.

But that doesn’t mean your smaller penis pulls you out of the running.

Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Overcoming your shortcomings

Take it from Snee: Cleaning out the language gutters 2013

Just like a picture of mouths, these words don't say a damn thing.
Just like a picture of mouths, these words don’t say a damn thing.

According to a count performed by Google and Harvard in 2010, there were 1,022,000 words in the English language with an estimated 8,500 words added each year. The average speaker, however, only knows anywhere from 12,000 to 21,000 words. And though that still seems like a lot, we manage to mangle, twist and abuse certain words until they not only lose their original meaning, but appear to have lost all meaning whatsoever.

If these words were leaves, they would have directly bypassed being dried out and brittle, lying on the ground for any old user to pick up and twirl around. Instead, they were deposited into the gutter and, through overuse, become a moldy, muddy, indecipherable goop that prevents the language from moving forward.

They are the words people resort to when they actually have nothing to say, usually when “you’re having just too much fun” or when it’s time to define insanity for everyone all over again. (This phrase, that “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” is both the definition and cause of my own insanity.)

That is why, every couple of years, I contract myself out to the English language, cleaning out this meaningless morass in hopes that those who resort to them will find new words. (Or say nothing at all.) Here’s what I found in the gutters for 2013.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Cleaning out the language gutters 2013

Take it from Snee: Consume like a man

I call Mario Lopez for my hovel-mate ... and birthing partner.
I call Mario Lopez for my District XY hovel-mate … and birthing partner.

For the past several years, writers from Fox News to the rest of the media have said that (straight) American men are dying out … or less hysterically, we’re falling behind as a gender. We’re less likely to graduate from college, hold a white-collar job or follow the convoluted familial relations in Once Upon a Time. And now, with advances in reproductive technology and unwanted third world children, we’re not even needed for our seed.

Fortunately, there’s one segment of the population that still needs men: sh**ty entrepreneurs whose ideas were terrible to begin with or forgot to market to the hairier half of the U.S. population.

This is the story of the resulting products. Get shopping, men, or I shall surely meet you in District XY, where will be kept until we evolve the means to reproduce, Jurassic Park-style.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: Consume like a man

Ask Dr. Snee: Snowed in with your letters

Why, hello there, patient readers. Like everyone else in the DC area, I’ve been pretending to be snowed in by rain and two very wet inches of snow.

You know how they started naming winter storms this year? We called ours the Snowquester. Get it? Because people who live within 100 miles of the nation’s capitol only exist from one political event to another.

It's not like I'm going anywhere in this pretend snow car.
It’s not like I’m going anywhere in this pretend snow car.

So, while I try to remember that, essentially, man is good (even when they name everything with puns based on terms from Civics class), I figured I’d answer a few letters. As always, thanks for emailing instead of licking envelopes during the cold and flu season.  Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Snowed in with your letters

Take it from Snee: Keep calm and drink

"According to your answers, you drank lllllllllllllllllllllllllllll rumrunners last night."
“According to your answers, you drank lllllllllllllllllllllllllllll rumrunners last night.”

Something is amiss in the United Kingdom. University College London researchers tried to reconcile alcohol sales with the amounts people claimed to drink in surveys, but the numbers just don’t match up. Nearly half of all booze sold in the U.K. is unaccounted for.

So, where did it go? A lesser writer might just chalk this up to people under-reporting what they drink, what business is it of yours, jack? And it makes some sense — anyone who’s ever been asked by a professor how much they’ve had to drink is more likely to low-ball that figure.

But, that still wouldn’t add up to twice as much booze sold as drunk. What the hell is going on in Merry Olde England? Let’s just say I have a few ideas … Continue reading Take it from Snee: Keep calm and drink

Take it from Snee: Take it down a notch, Valentine

To go with the Mahogany card I bought you, here's something chocolatey and full of cream.
To go with the Mahogany card I bought you, here’s something chocolatey and full of cream.

If you’re reading this site, then chances are that you’re trying to ignore that tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Perhaps you call it Single Awareness Day. Or that you’re up a creek because you forgot to buy anything and all that’s left in stores now are the Hallmark Mahogany line and Easter candy.

Relax. I’m not saying that you’re overacting or that this is somehow all your fault for not being lovable. It isn’t. Valentine’s should be a simple day of expressing care, not necessarily balls-out romantic love in the form of extravagant gifts that require feeding and walks.

So, who is to blame? These a**holes. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Take it down a notch, Valentine

Take it from Snee: Time to retire ‘Redskins’

As a Washington Redskins fan, my season ended several weeks ago. But, like a premature ejaculator at an orgy, I wasn’t about to start relating my play-by-play performance until everyone else in the room is done. Fortunately, I get to enjoy watching better athletes at their peak and first dibs at the orgy buffet table. Unfortunately, those athletes were the 49ers and the Ravens, and this metaphor is officially done.

Classy orgy buffets have a lot of pineapple to improve the flavor and smell of all the semen.
Classy orgy buffets have a lot of pineapple to improve the flavor and smell of all the semen.

Now that the 2012 NFL season is officially over, fellow Washington fans have a long off-season to fret over RGIII’s knee, especially since the Capitols are spectacularly terrible right now.

But, what if we used this off-season more productively … say to rename one of only two NFL teams that you have to scan the room before you say their name out loud. (The other is the Cardinals, because you never know who the Church has forced to keep quiet about sexual abuse.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Time to retire ‘Redskins’

Take it from Snee: Get well soon, Ron Jeremy

You'd feel bad if the actor who plays "The Most Interesting Man in the World" was sick. Here's the real deal.
You’d feel bad if the actor who plays “The Most Interesting Man in the World” was sick. Here’s the real deal.

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but an American icon needs our prayers.

Ron Jeremy, star of over 1700 adult films and The Boondock Saints, was hospitalized due to a heart aneurysm.

Why should anyone care about a porn star? Anyone who had a dad in the 80s with a VCR already knows why.

For everyone else, though … Continue reading Take it from Snee: Get well soon, Ron Jeremy

Take it from Snee: Pro- … nothing?

"Do I? And is that the same thing as making a choice?"
“Do I? And is that the same thing as ‘making a choice?'”

There are many ways to define yourself. You could do it by the decade into which you were born. Or which party you usually vote for. Or whether you prefer Coke or Pepsi. Or, as this past election proved, how you feel about abortion or women in general.

Before 1973, you might have been anti- or pro-abortion or, conversely, anti- or pro-forcing all pregnant women to deliver to term. Since Roe v. Wade, however, you’re generally either pro-life or pro-choice.

But, now that Planned Parenthood has experienced some of their toughest years for defending their funding, they’re getting rid of the pro-choice label to fight for … well, abortion … but, well, sometimes … Oh, hell. Let them just explain it with their video like we’re in health class all over again: Continue reading Take it from Snee: Pro- … nothing?