Take it from Snee: Tits
Posted on September 1, 2010
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If you love boobs, then you’re gonna love this week’s TifS, because, brother, I’m delivering the goods.
And, by “goods,” I mean solid advice about the early detection and treatment of breast cancer.
What? What’s the matter? Why do you look so disappointed?
Was it the title of the column and 140 character first sentence synopsis that you found on Twitter? My gratuitous use of the words “tits” and “boobs” when I’m clearly talking about plain old breasts? Diseased breasts at that?
Then you now understand why I don’t care much for “Save the Tatas” or “I <3 Boobies” breast cancer awareness campaigns: they’re in poor taste. Read more
Written by Rick SneeTake it from Snee: A wish for a 3D world
Posted on August 25, 2010
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We are on the verge of a technological breakthrough.
No, not whatever they’re doing at CERN. And no, it’s not a cure for some stupid disease like foot cancer. I’m definitely not referring to the invention of a truly renewable and efficient fuel source.
Glasses-less 3D television is right around the corner. That’s right: no more stealing those Real3D shades from Pixar flicks, hoping each time that they’ll be the ones that work with your TV. (They kind of smell, anyway. Or maybe I do, and they smell like me?)
This is what everyone’s been waiting for, right? The future of television?
But, have you fully considered what 3D really means regarding daily television viewing? I’ve developed a list of pros and cons. Read more
Written by Rick SneeTake it from Snee: The motherf@#king First Amendment
Posted on August 18, 2010
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The First Amendment is a funny thing. After the U.S. Constitution was ratified, it was the very first of ten proposed additions that would guarantee certain rights to citizens. The fact that a bunch of guys would propose free speech and religion before guns shows that either
a) We used to be more sophisticated than our modern breed that flocked to The Expendables this weekend, or
b) The Founding Fathers realized shooting people is worthless unless you have the right to say something really cool beforehand.
And, really, is there anything more American than unrestrained words and gun violence? You could tell they were really reaching for ideas afterwards because the next amendment they could think up was quartering, followed by some lawyer s&#t. Read more
Written by Rick SneeTake it from Snee: How to avoid terrorism
Posted on August 11, 2010
Filed Under How To, Take it from Snee | 1 Comment |
So, I was off last week. What you may not realize is that I was off from my mild-mannered job, too. (By day, I am not the debonair man of Internet taste and karate that you admire.)
When I returned–with their blessing–to work on Monday, I discovered two reference materials in my inbox:
- The latest guide to surviving hurricanes from the NOAA.
- This year’s Joint Chiefs of Staff Anti-terrorism Guidebook.
This week’s column is not about hurricane safety. As someone who lives close to the Tennessee border and an entire state away from the Atlantic, hurricanes are no joke to this funny guy. If a hurricane ever made landfall and didn’t downgrade to a tropical storm this far inland, then it is time to enjoy my last orgy on Earth.
No, it’s about terrorism and–if you don’t like it–how to avoid it. Read more
Written by Rick SneeTake it from Snee: Motherf@#king friendship
Posted on July 28, 2010
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As you can see in the top right corner of this page, we’re off next week to observe National Clown Week.
Per usual, I was going to the Ringling Museum, even though it isn’t really a circus museum. (They were the first place not call the cops.) And I was going to cosplay as Pagliacci to show all those Heath Ledger Joker impersonators a little class. I was even looking forward to dying my dickfro into a rainbow wig–you know, for the funny-chasers.
But, NO! I have to go to a wedding. Because I have friends.
I know that friends are supposed to be good for your health, but not everything about friendship is yoga and wife-swapping. And a lot of it goes unsaid because friends are supposed to just understand these things. So, here are some things I’ve noticed about friends. Read more
Written by Rick SneeAsk Dr. Snee: No ifs, ands or butts
Posted on July 21, 2010
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Dear Dr. Snee:
I’ve just had a birthday, and I’m worried about getting older. More specifically, about prostate exams. Do doctors really have to stick a finger up my butt? What if I enjoy it? Or are there any other methods?
–Sitting Around
You know, SA, you couldn’t time this question any better. In fact, your timing is so extraordinary that a casual reader might think I just scanned the news for a medical headline, found a silly one and then wrote a fake letter from someone embarrassed about prostate exams. It’s a funny idea, but completely untrue.
But, seriously: South Korean doctors have just devised a new test that also involves fingers, only this time, it’s with your finger. Read more
Written by Rick SneeTake it from Snee: Gay for Jesus?
Posted on July 14, 2010
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As Fox News has taught me, you can’t just look to experienced journalists and certified experts for the news. Sometimes, the news is also whatever the majority of people think it is.
For instance: no news body has reported that the President is going to overstep the Congress and take our guns away. (My gun is my penis because I don’t fight crime with metaphors.) But, if you ask enough people, then you’ll realize
- Yes he is.
- The lamestream media is covering it up. Because they’re lame, and that’s what handicapped people do.
So, I’ve learned to trust my neighbors’ bumper stickers. And for good reason (i.e., my penis gun).
It is because of this vigilance that I’ve discovered a new problem: loving Jesus. Read more
Written by Rick SneeTake it from Snee: Updating Sex Ed
Posted on July 7, 2010
Filed Under Sex Sells, Take it from Snee | 1 Comment |
It’s been at least eight years since schools taught comprehensive sex education.
Eight years. A lot changes in eight years, especially when it comes to sex. Sure, the basic act of f@#king-to-miss (that’s what I call sex without the purpose of insemination) hasn’t changed much.
But, let’s not forget: those are eight Internet years.
You think our schools are ready to answer questions about Dutch rudders or Brazilian fart porn? Read more
Written by Rick SneeTake it from Snee: I am the next Larry King
Posted on June 30, 2010
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The question on everyone’s minds at this very moment–and don’t deny it–is, “Who should replace Larry King?” Rumored candidates include Piers Morgan, Katie Couric, Ryan Seacrest, Joy Behar and Anderson Cooper.
Really, rumor-mill? You can’t think of people who aren’t already helming their own shows and whatever a Piers Morgan is? (Is it a porn star? Does it f@#k bear markets?) You can’t think of someone who has been denied the chance to embetter America via the airwaves? Someone who promises more tears than Glenn Beck hosting an onion chopping festival with special guest rapper Nut-kickah?
It’s me. Give me the show.
Well…? Fine, here’s my resume, rant-style. Read more
Written by Rick SneeTake it from Snee: I don’t want to know
Posted on June 23, 2010
Filed Under Take it from Snee | 2 Comments |
San Francisco, the gay gene in the DNA of America, now requires cell phone sellers to post radiation levels on the phones on display.
On the one hand, I’m confused. Didn’t they already do that with the whole “3G” and “4G” bit, a “G” meaning “gigawatt” in Doc Brownian physics?
But, I’m also angry.
Well, I’m always a little angry. But this time, I know why I’m angry instead of waking up behind the Claire’s dumpster with blood on my hands again.
I’m angry because I don’t want to know how much radiation I’m receiving from my phone. In fact, there are a lot of things I don’t want to know. What I don’t want to know could fill a volume of books that I will never read. Read more
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