Welcome, hopefully insured readers to another edition of Ask Dr. Snee. (If you’re not insured, don’t worry. I overcharge the insured readers to cover deadbeats like yourself.)
Normally, I’d hand you off to a nurse practitioner while I complain about Obamacare at the country club or ski resort. But, thanks to the waning standards of health reporting in major news outlets, it behooves me to dispel some bits of hokum being transmitted across social media. (I miss the old days when medical con artists had to pay for ad space in the New York Times, not simply caption their bullsh*t over a picture of a cat in reading glasses on Facebook.)
We like to blame networks for not showing us more of the shows we love, like Firefly, Arrested Development and The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien. But — show of hands and, yes, I can see you — how many of us watched these shows when they originally aired? And now, how many saw them for the first time on box sets or Netflix just to shut up our TV activist friends? (You know: the ones that probably foisted “loaned” the discs on you in the first place and kept asking if you’d watched them yet even though they’ll probably never watch Angel again.)
That’s what I thought.
Fortunately, it looks like Netflix is in the business of delivering on bringing back certain shows based on their popularity and relative non-deadness of their casts.
So, sorry I contributed to The Tick getting cancelled. But, after finally watching the following shows, I get it now. Let’s make it up to all those network television-watchers by watching the sh*t out of them. Continue reading →
The Almighty is a complicated figure. He has more names than Sean Combs, yet hasn’t given an interview since the Exodus. And none of this has damaged his brand: three world religions still claim him as their God, and he remains the number one person most discerning homeless people argue with.
How do we try to understand the intentionally un-understandable in our modern age? The same way previous humans did with the Bible and fan fiction like Paradise Lost: by examining our own contemporaneous beliefs about him and then translating those into “things we know.”
So, based on a quick scan of the headlines today, here’s what we know about the notorious G-O-D. Continue reading →
About a month ago, I explored the outrageous idea of maybe not getting so outraged in 2014. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I don’t think I could handle another 2013. My blood pressure was so high that I was sporting a non-pleated permarection. All year.
And, for the most part, we were doing OK. But this week … oh lord, this week.
But when I took a closer look at this week’s key dividing moments online, I realized something: nobody’s actually arguing with anybody.
The D.C. metro area is covered in about an inch of snow. This means that, while every single business that relies on customers walking or driving to their location is open, the majority of the population is off from work because they work for the government or at one of our many shuttered schools (OK, so also government).
Of course, Northern Virginia wasn’t the only place to get snow this week. But, as the southernmost tip of the mid-Atlantic, we get at least an inch every year and yet treat it like the world has ended.
So, since nothing else is getting done around here, here’s some facts about snow in our nation’s capitol … ‘s commuter neighborhoods that aren’t in Maryland.
As home to some of our nation’s greatest threats, sometimes we wonder if Andrew Jackson stole Florida from the Spanish and American Indians solely because swamp monsters gave him boners. While the state has always been to alligators and the giant magnet that attracts hurricanes, later residents would import out of control pythons, hotheaded stand-your-grounders and elderly people with alarmingly rising rates of STDs.
And what happens when a new ecosystem is established from outside forces? Segments of that population combine into hybrids perfectly suited to it. And now we’re facing our greatest threat: elderly people who have had enough of our s**t and are armed. Continue reading →
As a human being who lives in the United States, I used Facebook. And Twitter. And occasionally read Web sites, even though those are so 2009 by now. And while the Internet has pretty much always been fueled by half-informed rage strokes, dating back to the earliest emails about some Wiccan kid refusing to stand up while a legless Vietnam vet pledges allegiance to the flag … it seemed like last year, we maybe got a little too outrageous.
That’s not to say that some outrage isn’t justified. Just that if we find new outrages every week, then we’re not really being socially conscious and trying to shame the world into being better. Really, we’re just demonstrating our advancing age and joining the older generations before us that devour all things Drudge and Fox News. Continue reading →
You did it again, didn’t you? You waited until the last minute to buy your Christmas presents. Or, even worse, you found out somebody you didn’t suspect got you something, and now you have to reciprocate.
If you really wanted to, you could go out, brave the roads and stores and hope that you find something perfect. But you don’t. And that’s why you’re in this spot now.
There are a couple of ways out of this mess with far less trouble. Here’s my definitive guide to this year’severy year’s hottest passive-aggressive gifts.
In another decade, the death of who may be this living generation’s greatest example of humanity might have been regarded as a solemn occasion: a time to reflect on his achievements and appraise our own life’s work in comparison.
Fortunately, Nelson Mandela was South African, so that let Americans off the hook.
Instead, we took it as an opportunity to decide who was and wasn’t grieving appropriately and, more importantly, “How is this Obama’s Teapot Dome?” (Having already used Watergate, Katrina, Iraq, and even “Mission Accomplished Moment” to describe the president’s failures, we’re now re-appropriating scandals from the Harding administration.) Oh, and to determine whether the recently ex-living embodiment of dismantling systemic racism was “just another socialist like Stalin, Hitler, and FDR.”
So, on behalf of all my fellow assho Americans, I’d like to thank Mr. Mandela for politely letting us carry on like a pack of baboons for the past several days. A lesser corpse would have rolled through to China by this afternoon after enduring these “stories,” proving just how swell of a guy Madiba was …
It seems like every year, the War on Christmas starts earlier and earlier. Why, the opening shots were fired in some stores on Thanksgiving itself, a full day ahead of its traditional start: Black Friday.
That’s why it’s good to see that the U.S. government is finally taking it seriously and not letting atheists, Muslims, Buddhists, Jewish people and other non-Americans take our greatest non-football-related holiday away from us. While it’s no secret that NORAD — our missile defense headquarters — has tracked Santa’s movements since 1955, this year they revealed that they also provide fighter escorts while he’s in our air space — just like the President!