Category: Take it from Snee

| Filed under Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: F*ck it, here’s my story about a nose tampon

Everything sucks right now, so here's a true story about things going into and out from my nose.
Everything sucks right now, so here’s a true story about things going into and out from my nose.

So, I’m scanning the news today, per usual, looking for some bizarre or funny story to bring you. And you know what? There’s nothing funny out there right now. Everyone’s hurting and, naturally, there are no immediate answers because, while life is documented through stories, the complications of life are not a simple story.

There’s no simple ending to wrap up two years of documented indifference — at best — and hostility to black lives (and who knows how many years undocumented). There also isn’t a nice, neat resolution where the police officers who are fixtures of their respective communities go to work without wondering if they’re coming home again.

So, rather than try to say something trite about how it’s all going to be okay, and since I don’t have a story about whatever stupid thing Pepsi did today, I’ll tell you a story about something stupid that I did that led to a doctor shoving a tampon up my nose for a week.

Because, f*ck it, man.  Continue reading

| Filed under Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: Your generation is horsesh*t

Seven years ago, I wasn't seriously considering drinking gin made from collagen.
Seven years ago, I wasn’t seriously considering drinking gin made from collagen.

Seven years ago (holy balls, this blog is old), I wrote about how generations are a mostly useless way to figure out how any one person will preside over the free world. Unfortunately, nobody read it, because the generations are now using their birth decades to wage an online civil war between the only two generations that matter now: Baby Boomers and Millennials.

So, I’m upgrading my original pronouncement from 2009. Your generation doesn’t just suck, it’s also horsesh*t, and here’s why …  Continue reading

| Filed under Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: Tolerating unsolicited opinions

MLB and every stockroom in Wal-Mart may be the last wildlife refuges for the goatee.
MLB and every stockroom in Wal-Mart may be the last wildlife refuges for the goatee.

I love baseball. Probably because I barely watch it, thanks to arcane legal agreements that make baseball a cable-only sport. (Streaming only works if you’re not a home team fan willing to shell out for because they black out home games. Or if you’re a much more technically literate person than me.) Point is: I can forgive baseball its flaws because it’s barely around to bore me 5 hours at a time most days.

The best part about baseball is that it’s a human story. The players aren’t hidden behind helmets and body-changing pads. Except for the HGH Era, they look roughly like you and me, questionable facial hair choices and all. And, like the rest of us, they have personalities you can actually see and hear.

That’s also the problem recently, as Curt Shilling really, really wants us to know about Muslims, Hillary Clinton and — in recent headlines — transgender women using the women’s room.

On the one hand, I respect Curt Schilling’s pitching accomplishments. On the other, he demands that I respect his opinions, which weren’t asked for and make him look and sound like a douchebag.

So, how tolerant do I have to be? Do I have to tolerate it when someone’s an unbidden jackass in a public forum? You probably know the answer to this question, but hit the jump to find out why we don’t have to tolerate it from anyone who’s just “expressing his opinion.”  Continue reading

| Filed under Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: No, Tumblr, American accents aren’t old British accents

tumblr-accentThere are many sub-categories and somewhat self-enclosed communities on the Internet. Each has their own particular set of users. Redditors seem to trade memes back and forth; 4chaners are best left to their own devices; and Twitter … ers? Twitters? Twits? Are mostly frustrated comedians stealing each others’ jokes and waiting for celebrities and businesses to screw up in real time. And then there’s Tumblr.

Tumblr is a bizzare niche. It’s like blogging, only everyone’s blogs look like they were designed on Blogger 10 years ago. For the most part, it’s used to promote artsy pornography and document every instance of sexism or racism in history. But, every so often, Tumblr-ers try their hand at actual fields of study. It goes about as well as you’d expect: a lot of misinformation spread quickly because “somebody got told.”

Case in point: the difference between English and American accents in the image above. It’s complete hogwash, of course, but that didn’t stop it from spreading to other communities over time (which is how I found it).  Continue reading

| Filed under Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: March is White History Month

BET gets it.
BET gets it.
For years, white people have wondered when we would get our own history month. As we look around from the window of not-a-jail-cell, we see Black History Month, Black Entertainment Television, the Source Awards, and yet all we get are some lousy Oscars, 42-out-of-43 presidents and rehab.

Well, it’s high time we bucked up. There is a White History Month, Virginia, and there’s only a week left of it. So, let’s get celebrating!

[OK, so if you’re new to this site, you’re probably here to explain why we don’t need a White History Month. And, I agree with you: the other 11 months of the year work just fine as is, and giving honkies our own month is one of those lame #ALLlivesmatter responses to merely suggesting we learn about anyone else’s contributions to the world.

But, if we look at actual behavior, then I think we can all agree that there is a White History Month. And it’s definitely March.]

So, why March …?  Continue reading

| Filed under Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: Best Actor*

Eddie Redmayne, Best Actor* (Pre-integrated Academy Awards)
Eddie Redmayne, Best Actor* (Pre-integrated Academy Awards)

The Baseball Hall of Fame is, like a 1960s bus, divided in half. There is one committee for determining who gets inducted from prior to integration, and another committee for selecting inductees from post-integrated Major League Baseball.

This is justified because we have no idea how well white baseball players would have done and which teams would have won had black ball players not been banned from major league play. The Negro League had a number of stars that would have changed the entire competitive layout and style of play in MLB. For all we know, a team with Satchel Paige pitching would have destroyed the Yankees batting line-up of Mantle, DiMaggio and Gehrig.

And now that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has failed to nominate any actors of color for two years in a row, we should consider putting an asterisk next to last year’s and this year’s winners.  Continue reading

| Filed under Alabama is Trying to Kill Me, KAPLOOIE!

For sale: one supervillain lair

One day-oh! Da-ay-ay-ay-oh! We could retire to Bellefonte Nuclear Plant.
One dayoh! Day-ay-ay-ayoh! We could retire to Bellefonte Nuclear Plant.

The Tennessee Valley Authority might sell off a site featuring an incomplete nuclear power plant. The only catches are that the tech installed there dates back to the 1970s, the reactor is not complete and you’d have to live in Alabama.

This would be a prime real estate opportunity for anyone considering:

  • Embarking on a work-from-home career in supervillainy.
  • Building a life-sized replica of Springfield from The Simpsons.
  • Forsaking living anywhere nice just to pay less in taxes.

If interested, please contact TVA before March 18 and tell them that you think it’s a great idea. Also, please don’t run any supervillain name/shtick ideas past them; that’s your problem, bub.

| Filed under Movember, Sex Sells

Brazil slide-tackles ball cancer heads on

Senhor Testiculo gets a lot of attention being the only Brazilian without a Brazilian.
Senhor Testiculo gets a lot of attention being the only Brazilian without a Brazilian.

Rather than use a metaphorical scrotum of a human being like Lance Armstrong, Brazil went balls out and chose an actual anthropomorphized set of testicles to speak for testicular cancer awareness. And just to really teabag the point home, they named him Senhor Testiculo.

Senhor Testiculo will appear at events on behalf of Brazil’s Association of Personal Assistance for Cancer, posing for pictures and helping convince people to donate to testicular cancer research.

There’s no word if he shaves and then only grows a mustache every November.

Special thanks to Patrick H. for waving this story around in our faces.

| Filed under Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: … and the Home of the Brave

Specifically not this home. It's too full of the brave.
Specifically not this home. It’s too full of the brave.

In the immediate aftermath of 9/11, we passed the USA PATRIOT Act. (Like with most important bills, the crafters made good use of time to craft a strong, patriotic acronym for the title.) In the 14 years since 9/11, we’ve bravely stuck with it, replacing it with bills that minimally roll back the surveillance measures we originally agreed to. (They also had proud, powerful acronymic names, like the USA FREEDOM Act.) Courageously, we established that the only way to defend freedom is to sign it away.

In those years, we’ve taken strong stands against people who treated Ebola patients, no matter what egghead doctors said. Now, we’re bravely trying to deny refuge to people seeking to escape madmen so scary that, rather than face them decisively, we blow them up from New Mexico with flying murder-bots. (This is totally not like how our villains send robots after heroes in our movies. When we do it in real life, it’s courageous.)

We’ve also bravely sabotaged the building of those people’s places of worship, which is absolutely not like when terrorists tore down historic sites of religious significance or forced those same refugees to convert, die, or leave.

And now, we’ve finally reached the point where we’re brave enough to not only deny sanctuary to people who have lived through the wars we ignore, we’re also courageous enough to call “internment camps” (a phrase we dashingly invented to separate us from cowardly Nazis and their dirty concentration camps) what they really were: a good idea.

But, it’s not just diseases and people that we’re standing up to. We’re also valorously roping off ideas we disagree with or that offend us, enacting safe zones and issuing trigger warnings to defend the sensibilities of those who might hear them. It takes a big person to tell Ann Coulter that, not only is she wrong about everything, but that we’d rather not tell her, please don’t come to our school.

And, when it comes to real issues, like passing budgets that might tax people or cut spending, we’ve punted a record number of years because punting is a term from football — the bravest sport in the world played by the bravest men who ever punched a woman or electrocuted a dog.

Here we are at the ass-end of 2015: still the land of the free and the home of the brave. Now please rise for the national anthem, and don’t you dare forget to put your hand over your heart. Or don’t you love your country?

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Women are Mysterious

Human species continues despite men’s best attempts

Try to control yourselves, ladies. You're still on the clock.
Try to control yourselves, ladies. You’re still on the clock.

Guys are just … not good at meeting and impressing women. Maybe because we’re not friends with a lot of women, we’ve developed some bizarre ideas about what women are, much less what they’re looking for in a man. That’s how we’ve mistakenly latched onto fashion trends like mustaches and skinny jeans — because nobody polled women. (And now none of us are polling women. Thanks a lot, Banana Republic.)

That’s why it’s no surprise that men took the old wives tale (after all, old wives were once MILFs and, before that, regular chicks) that the fastest way to our hearts is through our stomachs and applied the transitive property to it. Therefore, if the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach (A to B), then through our stomach is the fastest way to a woman’s heart (B to C).

And that’s why we eat 93 percent more pizza in front of women we want to impress than we do with male friends. It sort of makes sense: women really respect a man who can chow down on pie … right?

What was really surprising, though, is that men eat 86 percent more salad with women than with other men. We were pretty sure that would be at least 100 percent more with women since male salad-eating just does not happen otherwise.

Also surprising? That the human species is still overpopulating the planet.