In another decade, the death of who may be this living generation’s greatest example of humanity might have been regarded as a solemn occasion: a time to reflect on his achievements and appraise our own life’s work in comparison.
Fortunately, Nelson Mandela was South African, so that let Americans off the hook.
Instead, we took it as an opportunity to decide who was and wasn’t grieving appropriately and, more importantly, “How is this Obama’s Teapot Dome?” (Having already used Watergate, Katrina, Iraq, and even “Mission Accomplished Moment” to describe the president’s failures, we’re now re-appropriating scandals from the Harding administration.) Oh, and to determine whether the recently ex-living embodiment of dismantling systemic racism was “just another socialist like Stalin, Hitler, and FDR.”
So, on behalf of all my fellow assho Americans, I’d like to thank Mr. Mandela for politely letting us carry on like a pack of baboons for the past several days. A lesser corpse would have rolled through to China by this afternoon after enduring these “stories,” proving just how swell of a guy Madiba was … Continue reading →
It seems like every year, the War on Christmas starts earlier and earlier. Why, the opening shots were fired in some stores on Thanksgiving itself, a full day ahead of its traditional start: Black Friday.
That’s why it’s good to see that the U.S. government is finally taking it seriously and not letting atheists, Muslims, Buddhists, Jewish people and other non-Americans take our greatest non-football-related holiday away from us. While it’s no secret that NORAD — our missile defense headquarters — has tracked Santa’s movements since 1955, this year they revealed that they also provide fighter escorts while he’s in our air space — just like the President!
I moved back to Virginia a little over a year ago, thinking I had escaped theocracy by leaving Alabama. To nearly teach me a lesson, Virginian Republicans nominated Commonwealth Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli for governor only to lose to a guy who raises money for politicians. Continue reading →
Any great devourer of science fiction will tell you that science fiction isn’t about the future. It’s about the present in which it was created — and, really, either solving that present or diagnosing its ills.
So, if you live long enough, then it stands to reason that you must find new sources of science fiction or suffer reading and watching the same aging stuff that no longer applies to your present. And now that current technology is developing faster, time ravages predictions and fantasy within our own lifetimes, no matter how many times Lucas tried to cosmetically “rejuvenate” Star Wars to make it look as new as it did in the late-’70s, early ’80s.
And that’s why it saddens me that I will probably never use these upcoming new technologies, even though they are exactly what I wanted and asked for. (Sorry about all those letters, Gene Roddenberry’s lawyers.) Continue reading →
During the Redskins-Cowboys Sunday Night Football Game, Redskins fans — including yours truly — were very, very quiet on social media.
This isn’t too surprising when Skins fans have found ourselves lost in the wilderness, shocked at the difference between the first six weeks of this season and last year’s playoff appearance. Throw on top of that a Dallas squad that is clearly dominating the NFC East — although, it is the NFC East — and it’s only natural for us to completely retreat from the usual banter online with our rivals. (Except, of course, for our friends at Redskins Breakdown, who are more than living up to their name this year.)
But, it only took an editorial from Bob Costas about the team name during halftime to rile the fans back up again. I will admit that, between Costas’ delivery and the timing, it felt like a kick while we were already down.
The online reactions from my fellow fans, however, seems a bit familiar, though. We like to assure everyone that we don’t say “redskins” with any malice or ugliness. We save that ugliness for arguing about why we should be able to, though. Continue reading →
On Monday, McBournie did us all a solid and didn’t write about the Breaking Bad finale. Today, I’m avoiding the other topic everyone else has written about: the government shutdown. Why? What’s there left to say, other than the occasional kick in the ass to anyone who still thinks “both sides are bad?”
Instead, let’s consider a happier world, one in which your dad might be Frank Sinatra. According to today’s celebrity news, it’s likelier than you think. How coo-coo-crazy is that?
The majority have no high school diploma — so they either don’t read so good, making our site useless — or live in rural areas and make less than $30,000 a year — and for that money, the sheep aren’t going to do that themselves. (… But, she will.)
But, the starkest division is by age. 44 percent of people over 65, that magic age where you don’t matter to marketers or pollsters anymore, say they have no interest in ever going online.
And why not? Because, while those people may have a wealth of experiences in, say, crocheting or killing commies, none of it has prepared them for using the Internet. In fact, most of the people really making the Internet are really, really young and didn’t even enter adulthood without choking a person from a different economic model to death. (He won’t … anymore.)
No matter what background you come from, everyone starts over online. And nobody wants to be a baby when you’re 65. Here’s how it works. Continue reading →
If it’s still Wednesday and you’re reading this, then tomorrow (Thursday) is Talk Like A Pirate Day. If it’s Thursday morning, then it’s not too late to pretend you swallowed a bug or had a stroke and start celebrating post-haste.
The Guys have a long history with TLAPD. In fact, one of us may secretly even be a ghost pirate! (It’s Chugs. The ghost pirate guy is Chugs.)
It’s because of this intimacy with what may very well be our favorite holiday — yes, even more so than Slutoween — that gives us pause this year. What if TLAPD happens, and nobody talks like a pirate? Continue reading →
People just can’t get enough of the new pope. Not since Pope Benedict the XVI retired and the Vatican rebooted the papacy with Francis, the first originally named pope since — I s**t you not — Pope Lando in 913 A.D. (John Paul I doesn’t count because his name was just combined his two direct predecessors.’)
But they didn’t just give him a fancy unnumbered title and lens flare. With each news story, Francis acts a little more how each of us, Catholic and non, would like to see a pope act, which is usually not like any pope we’ve known in our lifetimes.
In fact, he’s so un-pope-like that … well, what if he’s being pope ironically? I’m not confident enough in my afterlife to outright call the holy see a hipster, but here’s evidence that, were it anyone else, would cause even the juicer at Whole Foods to throw their douche flag. (It’s dry quinoa wrapped in a keffiyeh, bound with old timey packaging twine.)
Parents. According to conventional wisdom, they know best. But, as you move out — be it for school, work or marriage — ask yourself this: do you know where they are and what they’re doing right now?
Maybe they’re knitting. Or gardening. Or doing it to DVDs full of people with pubic hair. Or — as it’s turning out to be the case – marijuana.
And if you think it’s not your parents, think again. According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (a division of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services), illicit drug use among 50- to 64-year-olds has doubled since 2002.
So, what are you going to do to make sure your parents don’t turn on, tune in and drop out … again? Continue reading →