Category: Take it from Snee

| Filed under Scurry '12, Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: The triumph of the political id

Wolf Blitzer hasn't moved since November 2012. He's still standing in front of that screen, interviewing imaginary holograms about Iowa and California.
Wolf Blitzer hasn’t moved since November 2012. He’s still standing in front of that screen, interviewing imaginary holograms about Iowa and California.

At the time of posting, we’re 453 days away from when we actually vote for the President of the United States. We’re not just a year away, we’re still one and a quarter years away from trying to make a state government-installed touchscreen work. To put that quarter of a year in perspective, that’s like wearing your Halloween costume to work back in July.

So, it seems kind of silly that, even though there’s only been one “debate” and not one single primary vote cast, the press is already declaring leads. They’re basing this on polls, and I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been polled in my entire life. In fact, I know more people from the state of Wyoming than I know who have been asked to respond to a poll, and I’m pretty sure Wyoming isn’t real. (It’s just the lab where they built Dick Cheney.)

But, alas, we have leads in both primaries already, and wow, are we all deluding ourselves politically. In any past election, the current front-runners wouldn’t even be running as Democrat or Republican, much less leading either pack.

Don’t believe me? Read on to find out why, when it comes to this primary, the political id has triumphed in both parties, and why that’s probably bad.  Continue reading

| Filed under Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: The Cold War

cold-office
Hey, you might be suffering, but at least you don’t have to Nair your arms. That’s a woman thing, right?

According to the U.S. economic system, capitalism, there is only one god: market forces. If a business succeeds, it means that the almighty consumer has chosen it (praised be their spending). So it might surprise women that, despite now outnumbering men in the office, they still don’t get to touch the thermostat at work.

Naturally, the response on social media was to blame sexism. (Racism and transphobia charges are still pending, but you can bet your ass there’s somebody on Tumblr arguing it right now.) And, while it does seem sexist to tell women who are cold in the workplace that maybe they should suck it up and put on a sweater, there are actually larger factors at play here that negatively affect both men and women in the workplace.

Also, c’mon. It is much easier to put on a sweater than force all the dudes to work in spaghetti straps and maxi dresses. They don’t make Men’s Lady Bics, after all.  Continue reading

| Filed under Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: That ’90s Decade

We're even back to everyone owning the same giant cell phone, the iPhone 6 Plus.
We’re even back to everyone owning the same giant cell phone, the iPhone 6 Plus.

The turn of the 21st Century was heralded as a turning point in human history, so long as we survived the first second of it after all the banks failed and nukes launched due to Y2K. America was on top, Russia one of our closest allies and it looked like the world was ready to finally going to make all of our sweaters and running shoes without blowing us up.

What we got instead was basically the 1980s: the same music, decadence, banking crisis, inexplicable celebrity of Donald Trump and the over-proliferation of stand-up comedy. And the worst part is that we wanted, nay, demanded it. Anyone of drinking age, legal or otherwise last decade has an ’80s party costume hanging somewhere.

And now we’re halfway into the 2010s, and it’s looking more like the 1990s. Whether that’s by consequence of reliving the ’80s or by design is a debate I’ll leave for another day. But, we’re definitely embracing it more enthusiastically than we should. Here’s the evidence of why we’re actually doomed to re-experience the decade that inflicted Urkel on the world — the only time in human history when we didn’t TG that it was F.  Continue reading

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Take it from Snee: How to be responsibly black in America

Let me be your Muad'Dib, my African American brothers and sisters, and I will teach you the whitening way.
Let me be your Muad’Dib, my African-American brothers and sisters, and I will teach you the whitening way.
For the sake of clarity, I am not a black person. Nor am I a person of any color, except possibly peach or, after a day of earning a beach-initials sticker for my Volvo, lobster red.

But, as a white person (by the way: I am white), this makes me uniquely qualified to advise other races on how to survive the system that my ancestors erected expressly for my personal benefit.

Don’t believe me? White people wrote at least 99 percent of the laws and sentencing codes in this country, and yet we still get probation for the offenses other races serve life sentences for. Same laws; different Pantone.

But, I’m also a generous white person. So, like most of my brethren online, I figured I’d explain to black people how to not be worthy of undue police attention and violence. There are really only two options …

Continue reading

| Filed under Alabama is Trying to Kill Me, Big Man of the Day

Physician, serve thyself

stutts
In fairness, though, it’s tough being a competent, caring gynecologist when you look and act like such a dick.

In Alabama, all professions are somehow political — and, therefore, religious — even medicine. During and shortly after the passage of the Affordable Care Act, I passed the time spent waiting in a dermatologist’s office by reading the marked Bible passages that he believe invalidated Obamacare.

So, it’s not too surprising that, not only did a doctor trade the Hippocratic Oath for the Hypocrite’s and run for the State Senate, Sen. Larry Stutt is now trying to repeal a law named for a patient whose post-pregnancy death he was sued over. The law requires insurers to cover post-pregnancy hospital stays after his patient, Rose Church, died of a heart attack 10 days after giving birth.

Stutt’s bill, Senate Bill 289, “would also also end a requirement that doctors inform women when finding dense breast tissue, which is associated with an increased risk of breast cancer, during a mammogram.” So, it might be that Dr. Sen. Stutt merely hates all women and not just the one that he settled out of court over. After all, what do they know, whether it concerns the health of their breasts or how they feel post-pregnancy?

| Filed under Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: Be yourself

“Be yourself.” It’s a cliché, sure. But, with the ability to recreate ourselves (terribly) on the Internet, it’s important to remember that being yourself isn’t the best because we’re naturally the best. It’s the best because, dude, that’s the best you’re ever going to do.

Turns out that hockey pads really are sh*t for crimefighting.
Turns out that hockey pads really are sh*t for crime fighting.

For instance, I could aspire to be better. I could be Batman … until I wake back up in the ICU with severe head trauma from 10 years of martial arts training, frostbite and bullet wounds.

Lesson learned: Even if being me does not improve life for anyone or anything on Earth, I will be myself because trying to be Batman hurts and trying to be Stephen Hawking gets you rebuked by the American Association of People with Disabilities.

Now, if only the following people/companies would learn the same lesson …  Continue reading

| Filed under Ask Dr. Snee

Ask Dr. Snee: As manly as you choose to be

... Or you could put on a surgical mask to avoid my sexy musk. Your loss.
… Or you could put on a surgical mask to avoid my sexy musk. Your loss.

Oh, hello there, medical readers. You’ll have to excuse my smell. I’ve just been maxing out on bench. Yep, putting a lot of weight up.

It probably just reeks of masculinity in here. As a doctor,* I’d advise you to leave. You know, unless you’re into that sort of thing.

So, let’s get to your letters, and then I’m off to the showers. Continue reading

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Take it from Snee: Self-mummification beats self-immolation

It'd be really fun if this was one of those little 6" tall statues you can buy in head shops.
It’d be really fun if this was one of those little 6 inch tall statues you can buy in head shops.

Despite what that guy who stocks the bulk barrels at Whole Foods tells you, Buddhism is freakin’ brutal. From Kung Fu to self-immolation to protest war, Buddhist monks have been on a thousand year, testicle-abusing mission to prove that they are not David Carradine. And now we have a new bar to rate their metalness: self-mummification just so that the other monks have something to worship.

The Internet’s sudden infatuation with a mummy found inside of a Buddha statue allll the way back in 1996 (so pre-Hamster Dance) has raised awareness of self-mummification, a now illegal process in which Buddhist monks crash diet until crunchy.

And it makes sense why we’d be interested. The Buddha Statue Mummy intersects the Internet’s interests in morbid curiosity and a weight loss program that actually works.  Continue reading

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Take it from Snee: Lent harder

Lent is back, or the 40 days when we commemorate Jesus' trip through Bat Country with Satan.
Lent is back, or the 40 days when we commemorate Jesus’ trip through Bat Country with Satan.

Back in 2012, I did both the religious and secular world a solid by making Lent suggestions to mutually-affective nuisances like George Lucas, the Westboro Baptist Church and Rick Santorum. And, since they’re barely bothering us in 2015, I think it worked. You’re welcome, America.

So, now that God’s making us put in the work into this relationship following Valentine’s Day, here are some more current suggestions for Lent.  Continue reading

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Take it from Snee: Best Korea beats America

From the makers of that Tae Kwon Do class you took in the seventh grade ...
From the makers of that Tae Kwon Do class you took in the seventh grade …

I’ve made it clear that, while I hate going anywhere that doesn’t have a liquor licence, the worst place without a liquor licence is any movie theater. And for a close second, movie theaters with liquor licences because, if I’m going to pay $30 to see a movie two weeks before it’s on Amazon, all the drunk-asses inside need to shut the hell up so I can hear it.

That said, with Christmas around the corner, I know I’ll have to go see a movie just to get out of the house, even if it means looking at badly computer-animated hobbits or penguins. I was just sort of hoping that movie would be The Interview.

But, no. After hacks and death threats by hackers who totally aren’t North Koreans, enough movie theater chains pulled out of showing it that Sony delayed its Christmas release. Which means they delayed my Christmas release, so between this and Amazing Spider-Man 2, Sony has a lot to answer for this year in my book.

Granted, I didn’t really care about the latest Franco-Rogen romp. Not until North Korea took it away from me. And worst of all, they proved just how easy it is to maneuver Americans to stifle free speech for the first time outside of their own borders.

So, there are a few ideas we either need to get used to or fix immediately because we, as a nation, are no longer the ripped superpower that we used to see in the bathroom mirror every morning.  Continue reading