Take it from Snee: We got stormtroopers all wrong

NED Talks: because I use my mustache tell you what to think by writing mostly gibberish.

The Internet is awash in “thinkpieces” — posts (sometimes columns, but often blogs that don’t want to be called blogs) that dig deep into some pressing issue that’s on everyone’s mind. Like who’s responsible for the water in Flint. Or how privilege keeps us in the dark when it comes to how life is for people of other backgrounds.

But, most of these are about movies and television, and yet written with the same level of thought and seriousness as what the 2016 election really means for Coal Country.

Regardless of topic, they all follow the model of TED Talks — the famous series of presentations by people passionately speaking on everyday topics to change the way we think about them. Which is great if we’re thinking the wrong way about climate change, but ridiculous if we’re thinking the wrong way about critics’ relationship with the DC Cinematic Universe.

So, in that spirit, I present my very first NED Talk — in which I elucidate on a topic of great importance only in my head and some studio executive counting Yuan in Hollywood.


“Man, this is so much easier in narrower corridors!”

You guys, we all think stormtroopers are terrible shots. But … what if we’re thinking about stormtroopers all wrong?  Continue reading Take it from Snee: We got stormtroopers all wrong

Take it from Snee: Time to show personal accountability

Trump voters complaining about not getting their daily dose of cat pictures on social media should be grateful they’re not getting punched like Nazis.

A lot of people are upset about the election still — at least 3 million or so. And that’s not going to change any time soon, especially as the newly inaugurated president restarts the Keystone XL and Dakota Access pipelines, coincidentally shuts down the EPA and National Park Service’s communications with the public and disseminates “alternative facts” to the public through his personal flacks. It hasn’t even been a week into the new administration.

But, there’s another chorus of voices, those who can’t abide these bad feelings and rancor, who know that arguing about politics doesn’t solve anything, who wish we could all sit back and give the new guy a chance, who — let’s not kid ourselves — voted for him.

Do not be tempted by these voices, no matter their relationship. They voted for the “party of personal accountability.” If our anger at their decision is making them feel bad: tough sh*t. In the words of the last president, “Elections have consequences,” and chief among those is feeling bad when we’ve done something stupid that hurts a lot of people. And, brother, nobody prevented an oil spill by being polite. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Time to show personal accountability

Take it from Snee: Somebody’s gotta do it (but not you)

Update (10/22/2016): As most people are aware, Mike Rowe responded to this post on Wednesday, 10/19/2016. I posted an apology and brief explanation while I digested his response, reread his post, and came to terms with why I could have approached this topic better.

After a few days, I’ve finished collecting my thoughts in a new follow-up post. It’s a long read, but I hope it adequately explains why I wrote the unjustifiable way I did about Mike Rowe, why I owed him an apology, and why I still respectfully disagree with him over encouraging people to vote.

I also wrote it on my own site because, fair warning, it’s probably too boring for SeriouslyGuys.


Yes, yes. You're very well ... watched.
Yes, yes. You’re very well read watched.

For some people, an election boils down to Democrat or Republican.

For others, it’s Vote or Not Vote because, overall, politicians are no prize. They’re more like the price of living in a republic with democratically elected representation: OK, you get someone who will mostly make the decisions you want, but they’ll also be the kind of person who wants to be a decision-maker for everyone else. It’s no surprise that most of these people probably rank high on the psychopath spectrum.

So, I can understand when a common sense guy like Mike Rowe would rather not encourage people to vote. Voting is inspirational in the theoretical, Leonardo-DiCaprio-does-it sense. But when you look at the choices, it looks more like a dirty job — do you ladle out the solid chunks or siphon the ammonia-smelling liquids?

But, when Mike Rowe says that people shouldn’t be encouraged to vote because they’re probably too stupid to do so, that’s not common sense. (Rant also celebrated here, although it bogusly claims he posted it a couple of days ago.) That’s elitism, which seems out of character for the champion of the hard-working American.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Somebody’s gotta do it (but not you)

Take it from Snee: Out of options, Republicans turn to ‘Doctor Who’

"Don't you think she looks tired?" said two men who are both older than Hillary Clinton and look it despite what look like multiple cosmetic surgeries.
“Don’t you think she looks tired?” said two men who are both older than Hillary Clinton and look it despite multiple cosmetic treatments.

In the past several years of covering presidential elections — and some mid-terms because, contrary to what the Greens and Libertarians think, we elect people every year to leadership positions besides President — The Guys have seen various disclosure trends. If someone’s running against a millionaire, they push to release tax returns. If running against a black person who may have been born in Kenya, they push to release birth certificates, college grades and possibly even drug tests.

And now, if running against a woman who’s almost a year younger than them, they push to release health recordsContinue reading Take it from Snee: Out of options, Republicans turn to ‘Doctor Who’

Ask Dr. Snee: The Olympic ideal of health

Oh, hello, online patients. I hope you didn’t eat all of the copies of Highlights in the waiting room since the last edition of Ask Dr. Snee. I’m taking a break from watching the Olympics — and totally not hiding from malpractice suits (whaaaat.) — in Rio, so I figured that I’d answer some of the letters my attorney forwarded me.


What is cupping, why is Michael Phelps doing it, and why won’t my doctor recommend it?
— In Pain in Pawtucket

U.S. Olympic swimming Gold Medalist, Michael Phelps, bears the unmistakable marks of losing a fight with the Kylie Jenner challenge.
U.S. Olympic swimming Gold Medalist, Michael Phelps, bears the unmistakable marks of losing a fight with the Kylie Jenner challenge.

“Cupping” is the ancient Egyptian word for “keeping your massage parlor ahead of the competition.” Basically, you take the existing massage treatment — rubbing you until you’re either too embarrassed or ejaculate your problems away — and then multiply it by 72, the mystical number of virgins awaiting hucksters in heaven.  Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: The Olympic ideal of health

Take it from Snee: F*ck it, here’s my story about a nose tampon

Everything sucks right now, so here's a true story about things going into and out from my nose.
Everything sucks right now, so here’s a true story about things going into and out from my nose.

So, I’m scanning the news today, per usual, looking for some bizarre or funny story to bring you. And you know what? There’s nothing funny out there right now. Everyone’s hurting and, naturally, there are no immediate answers because, while life is documented through stories, the complications of life are not a simple story.

There’s no simple ending to wrap up two years of documented indifference — at best — and hostility to black lives (and who knows how many years undocumented). There also isn’t a nice, neat resolution where the police officers who are fixtures of their respective communities go to work without wondering if they’re coming home again.

So, rather than try to say something trite about how it’s all going to be okay, and since I don’t have a story about whatever stupid thing Pepsi did today, I’ll tell you a story about something stupid that I did that led to a doctor shoving a tampon up my nose for a week.

Because, f*ck it, man.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: F*ck it, here’s my story about a nose tampon

Take it from Snee: Your generation is horsesh*t

Seven years ago, I wasn't seriously considering drinking gin made from collagen.
Seven years ago, I wasn’t seriously considering drinking gin made from collagen.

Seven years ago (holy balls, this blog is old), I wrote about how generations are a mostly useless way to figure out how any one person will preside over the free world. Unfortunately, nobody read it, because the generations are now using their birth decades to wage an online civil war between the only two generations that matter now: Baby Boomers and Millennials.

So, I’m upgrading my original pronouncement from 2009. Your generation doesn’t just suck, it’s also horsesh*t, and here’s why …  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Your generation is horsesh*t

Take it from Snee: Tolerating unsolicited opinions

MLB and every stockroom in Wal-Mart may be the last wildlife refuges for the goatee.
MLB and every stockroom in Wal-Mart may be the last wildlife refuges for the goatee.

I love baseball. Probably because I barely watch it, thanks to arcane legal agreements that make baseball a cable-only sport. (Streaming only works if you’re not a home team fan willing to shell out for MLB.com because they black out home games. Or if you’re a much more technically literate person than me.) Point is: I can forgive baseball its flaws because it’s barely around to bore me 5 hours at a time most days.

The best part about baseball is that it’s a human story. The players aren’t hidden behind helmets and body-changing pads. Except for the HGH Era, they look roughly like you and me, questionable facial hair choices and all. And, like the rest of us, they have personalities you can actually see and hear.

That’s also the problem recently, as Curt Shilling really, really wants us to know about Muslims, Hillary Clinton and — in recent headlines — transgender women using the women’s room.

On the one hand, I respect Curt Schilling’s pitching accomplishments. On the other, he demands that I respect his opinions, which weren’t asked for and make him look and sound like a douchebag.

So, how tolerant do I have to be? Do I have to tolerate it when someone’s an unbidden jackass in a public forum? You probably know the answer to this question, but hit the jump to find out why we don’t have to tolerate it from anyone who’s just “expressing his opinion.”  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Tolerating unsolicited opinions

Take it from Snee: No, Tumblr, American accents aren’t old British accents

tumblr-accentThere are many sub-categories and somewhat self-enclosed communities on the Internet. Each has their own particular set of users. Redditors seem to trade memes back and forth; 4chaners are best left to their own devices; and Twitter … ers? Twitters? Twits? Are mostly frustrated comedians stealing each others’ jokes and waiting for celebrities and businesses to screw up in real time. And then there’s Tumblr.

Tumblr is a bizzare niche. It’s like blogging, only everyone’s blogs look like they were designed on Blogger 10 years ago. For the most part, it’s used to promote artsy pornography and document every instance of sexism or racism in history. But, every so often, Tumblr-ers try their hand at actual fields of study. It goes about as well as you’d expect: a lot of misinformation spread quickly because “somebody got told.”

Case in point: the difference between English and American accents in the image above. It’s complete hogwash, of course, but that didn’t stop it from spreading to other communities over time (which is how I found it).  Continue reading Take it from Snee: No, Tumblr, American accents aren’t old British accents

Take it from Snee: March is White History Month

BET gets it.
BET gets it.
For years, white people have wondered when we would get our own history month. As we look around from the window of not-a-jail-cell, we see Black History Month, Black Entertainment Television, the Source Awards, and yet all we get are some lousy Oscars, 42-out-of-43 presidents and rehab.

Well, it’s high time we bucked up. There is a White History Month, Virginia, and there’s only a week left of it. So, let’s get celebrating!

[OK, so if you’re new to this site, you’re probably here to explain why we don’t need a White History Month. And, I agree with you: the other 11 months of the year work just fine as is, and giving honkies our own month is one of those lame #ALLlivesmatter responses to merely suggesting we learn about anyone else’s contributions to the world.

But, if we look at actual behavior, then I think we can all agree that there is a White History Month. And it’s definitely March.]

So, why March …?  Continue reading Take it from Snee: March is White History Month