The turn of the 21st Century was heralded as a turning point in human history, so long as we survived the first second of it after all the banks failed and nukes launched due to Y2K. America was on top, Russia one of our closest allies and it looked like the world was ready to finally going to make all of our sweaters and running shoes without blowing us up.
What we got instead was basically the 1980s: the same music, decadence, banking crisis, inexplicable celebrity of Donald Trump and the over-proliferation of stand-up comedy. And the worst part is that we wanted, nay, demanded it. Anyone of drinking age, legal or otherwise last decade has an ’80s party costume hanging somewhere.
And now we’re halfway into the 2010s, and it’s looking more like the 1990s. Whether that’s by consequence of reliving the ’80s or by design is a debate I’ll leave for another day. But, we’re definitely embracing it more enthusiastically than we should. Here’s the evidence of why we’re actually doomed to re-experience the decade that inflicted Urkel on the world — the only time in human history when we didn’t TG that it was F. Continue reading →
For the sake of clarity, I am not a black person. Nor am I a person of any color, except possibly peach or, after a day of earning a beach-initials sticker for my Volvo, lobster red.
But, as a white person (by the way: I am white), this makes me uniquely qualified to advise other races on how to survive the system that my ancestors erected expressly for my personal benefit.
Don’t believe me? White people wrote at least 99 percent of the laws and sentencing codes in this country, and yet we still get probation for the offenses other races serve life sentences for. Same laws; different Pantone.
But, I’m also a generous white person. So, like most of my brethren online, I figured I’d explain to black people how to not be worthy of undue police attention and violence. There are really only two options …
In Alabama, all professions are somehow political — and, therefore, religious — even medicine. During and shortly after the passage of the Affordable Care Act, I passed the time spent waiting in a dermatologist’s office by reading the marked Bible passages that he believe invalidated Obamacare.
So, it’s not too surprising that, not only did a doctor trade the Hippocratic Oath for the Hypocrite’s and run for the State Senate, Sen. Larry Stutt is now trying to repeal a law named for a patient whose post-pregnancy death he was sued over. The law requires insurers to cover post-pregnancy hospital stays after his patient, Rose Church, died of a heart attack 10 days after giving birth.
Stutt’s bill, Senate Bill 289, “would also also end a requirement that doctors inform women when finding dense breast tissue, which is associated with an increased risk of breast cancer, during a mammogram.” So, it might be that Dr. Sen. Stutt merely hates all women and not just the one that he settled out of court over. After all, what do they know, whether it concerns the health of their breasts or how they feel post-pregnancy?
“Be yourself.” It’s a cliché, sure. But, with the ability to recreate ourselves (terribly) on the Internet, it’s important to remember that being yourself isn’t the best because we’re naturally the best. It’s the best because, dude, that’s the best you’re ever going to do.
For instance, I could aspire to be better. I could be Batman … until I wake back up in the ICU with severe head trauma from 10 years of martial arts training, frostbite and bullet wounds.
Lesson learned: Even if being me does not improve life for anyone or anything on Earth, I will be myself because trying to be Batman hurts and trying to be Stephen Hawking gets you rebuked by the American Association of People with Disabilities.
Now, if only the following people/companies would learn the same lesson … Continue reading →
The Internet’s sudden infatuation with a mummy found inside of a Buddha statue allll the way back in 1996 (so pre-Hamster Dance) has raised awareness of self-mummification, a now illegal process in which Buddhist monks crash diet until crunchy.
And it makes sense why we’d be interested. The Buddha Statue Mummy intersects the Internet’s interests in morbid curiosity and a weight loss program that actually works. Continue reading →
Back in 2012, I did both the religious and secular world a solid by making Lent suggestions to mutually-affective nuisances like George Lucas, the Westboro Baptist Church and Rick Santorum. And, since they’re barely bothering us in 2015, I think it worked. You’re welcome, America.
So, now that God’s making us put in the work into this relationship following Valentine’s Day, here are some more current suggestions for Lent. Continue reading →
I’ve made it clear that, while I hate going anywhere that doesn’t have a liquor licence, the worst place without a liquor licence is any movie theater. And for a close second, movie theaters with liquor licences because, if I’m going to pay $30 to see a movie two weeks before it’s on Amazon, all the drunk-asses inside need to shut the hell up so I can hear it.
That said, with Christmas around the corner, I know I’ll have to go see a movie just to get out of the house, even if it means looking at badly computer-animated hobbits or penguins. I was just sort of hoping that movie would be The Interview.
But, no. After hacks and death threats by hackers who totally aren’t North Koreans, enough movie theater chains pulled out of showing it that Sony delayed its Christmas release. Which means they delayed my Christmas release, so between this and Amazing Spider-Man 2, Sony has a lot to answer for this year in my book.
Granted, I didn’t really care about the latest Franco-Rogen romp. Not until North Korea took it away from me. And worst of all, they proved just how easy it is to maneuver Americans to stifle free speech for the first time outside of their own borders.
So, there are a few ideas we either need to get used to or fix immediately because we, as a nation, are no longer the ripped superpower that we used to see in the bathroom mirror every morning. Continue reading →
If we don’t reach $3000, that’s fine. I’m grateful just to raise anything, whether it’s a dollar or just some awareness. But, I’d hate for you to miss an opportunity to participate in an event that makes a difference for a lot of men and their families.
So, since I’m growing a mustache and because I was raised Catholic (see #2 below), here’s why — if you’re considering donating to Movember — you should donate to Movember. Continue reading →
Guys, I’m about to write something weird. I want you to know that this is, in fact, Rick Snee, and I have written the next statement with a clear mind and of my own free will.
PETA is right about something.
I know. It’s completely out of character for me to ever agree with them. We disagree at even the most basic level. For instance, PETA says it’s wrong to eat meat, and I say they have “pet” and “eat” in their names, so that’s a mixed message.