Category: Ask Dr. Snee

Dear Dr. Snee, I’m pretty sure that I have tuberculosis, however my health insurance has not taken effect yet and I cannot afford to see a physician or go to the hospital. Do you think you could suggest some inexpensive, home remedies?

Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: A ‘consuming’ question

Dear Dr. Snee:

What makes winter so popular for colds, and what causes them?

The cold and flu season is an invention of over-the-counter pharmaceutical companies that are trying to cash in on America’s holiday market boom. As Abraham Lincoln said, you can fool all the people some of the time, and this is the only time of year where all of America can be convinced that worthless crap is this year’s must-buy.

Not only are people more inclined to buy sedatives to sleep through the stress of holiday shopping, but they’re also more likely to actually want a cold. Really, people get colds all the time, the worst being the dreaded summer cold. But there’s a Norman Rockwell type of feeling that accompanies staying indoors and wiping snot on your steady. I suppose it is the season for giving.

So if you have a cold this winter, then you’ve bought into a marketing plan launched by Pfizer, Proctor and Gamble and possibly one or more Johnsons. Way to go, sheeple.

As for what causes colds, I’ve gone through this before: God hates doctors. That magnificent bastard* knows that the cold prevents humanity from worshipping the doctors that cured polio and small pox like the golden calves that we are, even if we finally figure out cancer or AIDS.

* This is not blasphemy … unless, of course, you can name God’s parents. Even Jesus’ broken home was considered an upgrade of his Father’s childhood. The Guy is so lonely that He still creates homeless people to talk to. (This was why Jesus said there would always be poor people: he was trashtalkin’ his absent Father.)

Dear Dr. Snee,

Why do so many former and current NFL quarterbacks have children who are born with rare diseases? Did the sacks do something to their sacks?

Think about this: whenever a quarterback wins the Super Bowl, which determines that he is the best quarterback in the world, where does he want to go next? That’s right, Disney World.

The main reason for most parents hating Disney World is the lines. You wait in line with your annoying offspring for hours, have fun for 3 minutes, and then are dumped into a gift shop: a gauntlet of overpriced kidbait and long cashier lines. If you manage to get out without spending a dime, then you get in another line and start the whole ordeal again, all day, for a week because there are other parks.

But not everyone has to sit (heh) in line: people have been pulling the wheelchair scam to cut in line ever since Annette Funicello became the world’s most depressing former Mouseketeer. (Newest and reigning champ: Ms. Spears.)

Unfortunately, winning quarterbacks can’t claim to be suddenly crippled. Their wives are out because that turns Parents’ Island into a bad scene from Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. But their children can only profit by having a debilitating, rare disease. Plus, it’s easier to keep track of them if they can’t run away, and the wheelchair presents less disapproving backseat parenting than the kid leash.

Finally, rare diseases are the best choice for faking because it seems like everyone pretends to be a doctor these days. Everybody thinks they’re House or Ben Casey and try to diagnose everyone like they’re reading a damn Agatha Christie novel. These hobbyists are a real insult to us genuine medical professionals.

Oh, and as to whether sacks affect a quarterback’s scrotum and/or testicles—or, as you put it, “sack”—it depends on where they are hit and how hard. There are three spots on the human body that will inflict damage or irresponsiveness to the male genitalia: the naughty bits themselves, the lower spine and self-esteem. Also, bullets to the brain, heart or any other vital area will diminish the performance of the penal system, especially regarding hard labor.

See? Who said doctors can’t be funny?

Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.

Dear Dr. Snee,

How does an Iron Lung work? Is it anything like an Iron Cross?

To answer your question, I consulted my third favorite medical journal, Wikipedia. (My first two go-to sources are Men’s Health and the Bible.) According to the WPMJ, the iron lung is a “negative pressure ventilator”:

The person using the iron lung is placed into the central chamber, a cylindrical steel drum. A door allowing the head and neck to remain free is then closed, forming a sealed, air-tight compartment enclosing the rest of the person’s body. Pumps that control airflow periodically decrease and increase the air pressure within the chamber, and particularly, on the chest. When the pressure falls below that within the lungs, the lungs expand and air from outside the chamber is sucked in via the person’s nose and airways to keep the lungs filled; when the pressure rises above that within the lungs, the reverse occurs, and air is expelled. In this manner, the iron lung mimics the physiologic action of breathing: by periodically altering intrathoracic pressure, it causes air to flow in and out of the lungs.

Now, that might seem a little technical, but I’m a doctor. It’s my job to explain the bullpuckey researchers made up, just like how religious leaders explain the vague, contradictory rules of their gods. Allegory, which is Scandinavian for “pop culture or farm animal reference,” is our main tool of the trade.

The iron lung works like Tupac Shakur.

When Tupac was alive and recording albums, hip-hop fans on the west coast liked him. They, in the parlance of the kids, dug his rap. He was one hip dude. But he wasn’t universally recognized as a musical artist, just a really good rhymer-guy. He even made a movie or two, but nobody saw them because he wasn’t shooting anybody (unlike DMX’s far superior films). By saturating the market with his alive-ness, negative pressure caused his career to stagnate into having relations with Biggie’s wife.

When Tupac pulled an anti-50 Cent (not shrugging off bullets), the world suddenly appreciated his music. His albums crossed over into the playlists of music lovers whose hip-hop experience was limited to a fifth-grade infatuation with MC Hammer. They sold in record numbers. In short, the forces of negative pressure caused the lungs of America to inhale as much dead Tupac as it could get.

But the Tupac estate began to release newly rediscovered tracks. A posthumous collection of these works made people joke that he faked his death, in hiding from whoever tried to kill him. Negative pressure acted again, and we stopped craving new Tupac material because there was too much of it again.

Does the iron lung make sense now? Of course it does.

As to it’s relation to the Iron Cross, well, it depends on which iron cross you’re referring to. There’s the WWI and WWII medal awarded by Germany for meritorious acts, also known as the Teutonic Cross. And there are also regular crosses made of iron, but I’m sure they were replaced with gold or steel ones once the coffers were full enough. But there’s also the gymnastics maneuver on the rings.

The iron lung is nothing like those, but it is like your second question. As a doctor, I can’t cure paralysis, but I can put you in an iron lung when you’re too paralyzed to breathe on your own. Likewise, I can’t cure stupid, but I can answer your questions.

Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.

Believe it or not, babies and bacteria have a lot in common. Both are transmitted by the usual means: sex. They also grow inside of their hosts, annoying it until they break free and annoy the rest of us, too. And that brings us to this week’s medical queries.

Recently, my office gave out free potato salad to its employees. It would seem that everyone except for myself has apparently gotten sick from it. Do I have some ancient caveman era bacteria in my stomach?

I’m assuming from your letter that you actually ate this contaminated potato salad as well. Otherwise, my answer would be no: food poisoning isn’t contagious. But since you did eat it, there are two possible reasons why you didn’t get sick.

1) Yes, you may have some ancient caveman bacteria in your stomach. My guess is that you are also short and hairy and have a pronounced brow and jowl, close-set eyes and a propensity towards committing violent crimes. (One of my MDs is in Phrenology.)

2) The potato salad wasn’t contaminated. It’s very possible that your coworkers faked it for an unofficial Skip Day and didn’t tell you. It could be because you are short and hairy and have a pronounced brow and jowl, close-set eyes and a propensity towards committing violent crimes.

Where do babies come from?

Wow. You were home-schooled, weren’t you?

This is not a short answer, so try to keep up.

Babies are an emotional creation that human beings use to punish themselves, often unwittingly.

The process begins at 12-years-old for most males, and 9 for most females, when they decide that their parents are the worst people in the world and that they will never make the same mistakes with their own lives.

This anger ferments for a varied period of time, usually three to 30 years, and manifests itself in self-destructive behavior like drug and alcohol abuse, piercings, tattoos and going to a liberal arts college to study creative writing.

At the critical mass point, this behavior contributes to and culminates in unprotected sex with a member of the opposite sex. And that’s where babies come from.

Within the next nine months, the terrified couple gets married and spends the rest of their lives still trying to (unsuccessfully) prove their parents wrong, which means more babies, a lifetime of debt and an unfinished novel/screenplay/business model.

Their children notice this trait in their parents and grow resentful for the next nine to 12 years. The circle of life then begins anew.

Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.

Since last session’s steroidfest, I’ve started receiving questions that relate to the practice of medicine. There are a lot of factors that play into a successful treatment, so it’s important to examine these when the ordinary procedure goes extraordinarily wrong.

A New Zealand man had back surgery and seemed to be missing his false teeth. The surgeons had no idea where they were. Then they found them in the back of the man’s throat. If you’re having back surgery, aren’t you lying on your stomach? [Shouldn’t] the forces of gravity should prevent teeth from traveling upward into your throat?

There are multiple definitions of gravity. The one you’re refering to is the physics law that was coined by the layabout Isaac Newton, and then modified by Albert Einstein. Any geek knows that gravity doesn’t pull, though; it sucks.

This is where the other definition of gravity comes from: the dramatic level of suckiness in any given situation. In this case, the guy was getting back surgery, which already sucks. But he also lost his teeth or wore dentures, which really sucks. And whatever led up to losing his teeth and screwing up his back really sucked. Therefore, the drama of his situation was a black hole of sheer suckitude, drawing his teeth into his throat, generating more gravity to this medical procedure.

As you can see, nothing sucks more than gravity.

Dr. Snee, what’s the deal with the massive amounts of staph infections rising up and killing people just 30 minutes from where I currently reside?

These staph infections are probably caused by obesity, smoking, cell phones, stress and terrori–

Oh, who am I kidding here? Those are the answers we doctors give whenever we can’t cure something.

The truth is that God is a vainglorious son of a whore. It wasn’t enough to stump doctors with the common cold, the flu, AIDS and cancer. Now the bastard has made bacteria resistant to antibiotics.

I’m through with you, you creator of plagues! I’m just a man! Why must you piss all over my life’s work? Why?! You don’t deserve my donations to the collection plate every Sunday!

Why, you supernatural boogedy man?! Don’t you know how much time and money I didn’t put into medical school? Why? Why? WHY?!?!

Screw you, God! Screw you and your trickster ways!

GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHD!!!

Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.

So I’ve started receiving medical questions since a few posts on diseases and lifting weights. I’m going to state for the record that I am not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or do I play one on television. But, boy-howdy, am I opinionated, which is good enough in the blog world.

Lately, I’ve been inundated with questions concerning steroids, which makes me wonder if people think I take them. I don’t, but I’ve read enough news stories to form an opinion.

Will my steroids for poison ivy make me superstrong? I’m going to do push ups to see if I bulk up any faster.

Well, you go ahead. Chances are that you weren’t doing push-ups in the first place, so, yes, you will bulk up, but, no, it won’t be because of the steroids.

The only steroids that will make you bulk up are the ones offered in that important, yet often ignored, folder in your gmail account: spam. Inside, you will find a better You: bigger erections, Nigerian wealth, home employment and, of course, performance enhancing drugs. In order to capitalize on these opportunities, you must open each and every one and their attachments.

This answer was brought to you by The Internet Foundation for Imprease Her Know.

If I take steroids, will I get ‘roid rage?

‘Roid rage. Pfft. That’s a myth.

The truth is that steroids work like gamma rays, and what happens when you bombard a nerd with gamma rays? That’s right, you turn into Lou Ferrigno. Mr. Ferrigno doesn’t yell and break things because he’s angry, but because he’s deaf and must get his point across to you, AND … YOU … JUST … WON’T …. LISTEN!

Will steroids really shrink my [testicles]?

[This is a medical column, so “balls” only refers to weighted ones used for sit-ups. –RS]

Of course not. The testicle isn’t a muscle, so it remains the same size while the rest of you becomes massive. Think of your testicles like your head and use them to track your progress. When your head appears the size of a grapefruit and your testes look like marbles, then you know you’re ripped. Go ahead and tear a phone book in half. You’ve earned it.

Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or play one on television. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, guy-necologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.