Take it from Dr. Snee: You say you want a resolution

Yeah, I'm not too thrilled about the new year either, Exhibit Y.
Yeah, I’m not too thrilled about the new year either, Exhibit W.

Why, hello there, patient readers. Sorry I haven’t answered your letters recently. I’ve been busy, fighting some paternity suits from my totally unrelated chain of sperm banks and fertility clinics. Needless to say, I’ve got a lot of unhappy mothers to accuse of postpartum depression under oath. (Not sure what the legal defense is against allegedly cuckolded dads is, though.)

Anyway, it’s a new year, which means it’s time for the same old boring resolutions. So, if you haven’t quit quitting smoking yet — which odds and these Camel dollars say otherwise — then congratulations! You’ve made it over the hump: one week. Your body is no longer addicted to nicotine. Technically.

However, there’s just one minor obstacle to get over: the rest of your life. Continue reading Take it from Dr. Snee: You say you want a resolution

Take it from Snee: Where the NRA dares not tread

Guys, as you probably noticed on Facebook, there isn’t a Take it from Snee this week. That’s because I’m too busy working on this week’s issue of the Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarian Militia.

And, let me tell you, this has not been an easy one to put together. People seem to be really on our case after Friday’s tragic shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. As you’ve noticed, we and the NRA have been quiet this week, and for good reason: we don’t have to say a word. Our members will do it for us. It’s called viral marketing, and they have caught Second Amendment Fever!

Just, you know, not "school shooting" deadly. Also, special special thanks to Bill for loaning us his living room for the afternoon.
Just, you know, not “school shooting” deadly. (Special special thanks to Bill for loaning us his living room for the afternoon.)

So, as the nation mourns (again), RAM has nothing to say except that this was a terrible tragedy, and words cannot express how pained we are. Nor can we offer any insight into the actions on that terrible day … but here’s what some ordinary, normal folks (*wink*) have said for us on Facebook and Twitter.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: Where the NRA dares not tread

Take it from Snee: A War on Christmas Miracle

Do they know it's the War on Christmas?
Do they know it’s the War on Christmas?

I’ve shown reluctance in years past to join the War on Christmas. I celebrate Christmas, understanding that it’s when Jesus, after dying just months earlier in March-April, benjamin-buttons his way back to being a baby in December. I’ve just never felt like anyone was taking Christmas away from me, nor have I been able to conjure up the proper fearection required to fight those who might.

But, what about those who do believe in the War on Christmas? I would never intentionally destroy a child’s faith in Santa Claus, so why would I allow child-like minds to lose their faith in their favorite imaginary culture war? It’s tragic when innocence is lost, and even Fox News anchor Gretchen Carlson is starting to wonder if she’s nuts (check the 1 minute mark) for believing in the War on Christmas.

Folks, I can’t let this happen, not after Fox News was already so wrong about the election. Being wrong about the War on Christmas would absolutely, irrevocably wreck them, driving the seasonal suicide rate even higher. Yes, Gretchen, there is a War on Christmas. And I’m going to make everyone believe in it. Continue reading Take it from Snee: A War on Christmas Miracle

Take it from Snee: Wherever Karl may rove

Rove invented duckface, and yet people still valued his opinion … until today.

The 2012 election was a learning experience for a lot of people. Some learned that you can’t “unskew” polls without, you know, actually conducting polls. Others learned that, while corporations may indeed meet some of the basic conditions of being people,* they still only get one vote, no matter how the CEO pays to get in on the action.

And then there’s Fox News, which finally learned that, unless you’re the weatherman, the news shouldn’t try to predict the future … Or at least that they shouldn’t pay Karl Rove and Dick Morris to try their hands at it anymore.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Wherever Karl may rove

Take it from Snee: Time to let Florida secede

The city of Miami will strike first.

SeriouslyGuys documented earlier this month how crazed and/or bored Internet users in mostly Southern states filed petitions to secede from the United States almost immediately after President Barack Obama won reelection. Of course, many Web sites like ours joked about letting those mostly former Confederate states go their merry, debt-filled, uninsured way.

Look, nobody most people weren’t really serious about that. Not really, anyway. While, yes, things would be simpler if the states that require the most federal money, yet never want to pay for it, struck it out on their own, we wouldn’t be the same country. Deep fried Oreos would be reclassified as “ethnic food” just because it comes from another country, and our nation’s foodies eat enough fried foreign tripe as it is.

But, what about Florida?  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Time to let Florida secede

Take it from Snee: Welcome to My Enemies List, Channing Tatum

The Declaration of Independence guarantees every American three basic things: life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I’ve worked hard to be born a U.S. citizen, and dammit, I don’t expect any more or less than those very things.

For instance, when my office designated my favorite parking space a “handicapped” zone by “law,” I recognized it for what it really was: an attempt to steal my liberty (to park in that spot) and my life (the precious minutes that I can never have back after walking 10 extra feet to the door). Fortunately, I was able to redress this injustice by printing up a fake doctor’s note.

But, there are certain assaults on my god-given American rights that I can’t correct, like when People magazine, clearly in error, passed me over yet again for their “Sexiest Man Alive” cover. People, we’ll talk next year. Channing Tatum: not so fast there, Captain Abs. You’ve just made My Enemies List.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Welcome to My Enemies List, Channing Tatum

Take it from Snee: What has the electorate done?!

You know, I thought your average American voter was a reasonably bright, discerning individual. Someone who can learn from past mistakes, and not elect the same failure. It appears I was wrong. America, how could you be so stupid? How could you re-elect Bill Pullman as President of the United States?  Continue reading Take it from Snee: What has the electorate done?!

Take it from Snee: Explaining the U.S. Electoral College to foreigners, children

So, you’ve learned about our branches of government and the positions in each one. You’ve learned about both of our political parties and all the pity parties people vote for when their candidate doesn’t get nominated. You’ve even learned how to practice democracy, so now it’s time to vote for the President of the United States in less than a month, right?

Eh … sort of.

Our electoral system, like the rest of our government as we know it today, was established in about two crazy months in secret back in 1787. Let’s just say that, in order to evade the Articles of Confederation and get all the states to agree in writing, some fast and heady compromises were made. The Electoral College, which is what you’re really voting for, is one of them.

Confused? Don’t worry. Even most seasoned citizens don’t quite understand how it works, making this the most requested “Explaining … to Foreigners and Children” guide I’ve never wanted to write. Nevertheless, here is the Electoral College.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Explaining the U.S. Electoral College to foreigners, children

Take it from Snee: Psychoanalyzing your halloween costume

We all wear masks. Some of us put on the mask of a joker to hide internal turmoil and insecurity. Others put on a mask of nerdiness because it’s easier to disguise you’re stupid by watching a lot of Star Trek instead of reading a goddamn book.

But, as Kierkegaard posited, “a midnight hour comes when everyone has to take of his mask.” But, what if Kierkegaard was wrong? What if the choice of mask itself tells us pretty much everything we need to know?

Halloween is that time of year when everyone chooses a mask instead of the one life dealt us. Here’s what your choice is telling everyone at the party.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Psychoanalyzing your halloween costume

Take it from Snee: Dad Rock Hall of Fame inducts Green Day

As fellow Guy, Bryan McBournie, reported a little over a week ago, Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong melted down at the iHeartRadio Music Festival at the MGM Grand Las Vegas. Armstrong objected to the final minute of his set, and whether Green Day’s set was cut short or not, he wanted the audience to know that it was “f%#king bulls*&t” as illustrated by the following:

  1. He’s been around since f%#cking nineteen eighty-f$#king-eight.
  2. He’s not f&@king Justin Bieber, you motherf#@kers.
  3. [You made him do this to his guitar.]
  4. God f%&king loves you all.
  5. He and the rest of Green Day will be back.

Music critics, and children who still give Green Day Kids’ Choice Awards, called it the most punk rock thing ever. But, I’m not so sure. Let’s look at his arguments, because they just cemented themselves in the Dad Rock Hall of Fame.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Dad Rock Hall of Fame inducts Green Day