Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 2
Posted on September 3, 2008
Filed Under Scurry '08, Take it from Snee, War on Animals, War on Education | Leave a Comment |
Way back in June, I looked at a number of misconceptions out there and explained why they were wrong. These were brief, yet concise pockets of correctness that should have solved all of the stupid around me.
Alas, I’ve just found more conventional “wisdoms” that boggle the mind. (Go figure, it’s an election year.)
So, sit down, shut off that damn music and pay attention. You should only have to read this article once, because I’m not kicking your brain any more than I have to. Read more
Written by Rick SneeTake it from Snee: Speak English or go home (LPGA edition)!
Posted on August 27, 2008
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The LPGA has just passed a rule that will require all lady golfers to pass an oral (heh) English exam next year. Any two-year members who can’t pass the test in 2009 will face an immediate suspension. This new rule will affect a possible 121 foreign golfers on the tour, especially 45 South Koreans with translators.
As an English-writing blogger and avid viewer of the LPGA, I say GOOD. It’s about time!
I mean, sure: I normally watch ladies’ golf like I watch Rachel Ray: on mute with soft lighting and an oven mitt. While I may not hear them speak dirty, indescribable things to me, I need to know that they could if I ever met them in real life. That means speaking English-lusty, filthy English.
And English is what? American. It’s as American as pizza and bratwurst. It’s been spoken by Americans like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Lee and Jean-Claude Van Damme since they were first born in small Midwestern towns. Go to any library, and you’ll find the great founding works of our country-the Bible, Montesquieu, the ancient Greeks-all written in one language: English, motherf–ker.
And that’s why I say, good for you, LPGA. I’ve been through what you’re going through … Read more
Written by Rick SneeTake it from Snee: The McCain Saboteur
Posted on August 13, 2008
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OK, I’ve kept my mouth (fingers?) shut–politically–since the Democratic primary. I mean, there isn’t much to this presidential race right now.
In the one corner, you’ve got Barack Obama. He’s young, black, has only served in Congress for four years and is a Democrat. Despite all of that, he’s running a smart campaign with few gaffes, won plenty of German votes and has managed to avoid any accusation of extra-marital affairs.
In the other corner, there’s John McCain. He’s old, white, has served in Congress for almost as long as I’ve been alive, nearly won the nomination in 2000 and is a Republican AND war vet. Sure, he’s had his mix-ups like outdated geography and screwing up the dance steps to the Macarena, but that’s been the winning formula since 1789, when George Washington shooed the first kids off the South Lawn.
So, no offense to Senator Obama, but why on Earth is McCain looking so bad? Is he really this clueless, or is there someone sabotaging his campaign? Read more
Written by Rick SneeTake it from Snee: Fanboys are a disease
Posted on August 6, 2008
Filed Under Take it from Snee | 1 Comment |
On August 15th, yet another Star Wars prequel will be released into theaters, followed shortly thereafter by a TV series that is set between episodes three and four. (A short-lived TV series, by my wager.)
So, after three abysmal prequels–each over two hours long–there’s allegedly still too much back story left unsaid about the Rebellion against the Empire: a war that only took three decent movies to start and win. It seems ridiculous, considering we’ve already seen Darth Vader turn evil, renege on child support and correct his absentee-fatherhood after an unfortunate series of lightsaber incidents.
But no, it’s apparently not enough, because the fans still demand more context for the war to end all productive self-restraint.
Yeah, you heard me (if you didn’t read the title): George gets to sit this one out while the fanboys finally take the blame they deserve. Read more
Written by Rick SneeTake it from Snee: Discovery jumped the shark
Posted on July 30, 2008
Filed Under Take it from Snee | 1 Comment |
As you’ve probably noticed, I’m a pretty smart guy. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that I’m downright intelligent. I eat right, I read the same three books a lot, and I only watch educational programming on television.
So what did I see when I turned on the Discovery Channel this weekend? Sharks. Nothing but sharks. Swimming killing machines as far as the TV Guide channel would scroll.
Even when a shark program wasn’t on, there were shark-themed advertisements, including plugs for their own “Shark Week” episodes of all their regular shows. Every show involves sharks now, even non-shark shows like Dirty Jobs. (Guess what they catch on this week’s Deadliest Catch? Hint: it’s actually deadly this time.)
It was with this marketing stretch that I realized something disturbing: the Discovery Channel has jumped the shark! Read more
Written by Rick SneeTake it from Snee: Batman is not Bush
Posted on July 23, 2008
Filed Under Take it from Snee | 2 Comments |
Remember when 300 was released and everyone was arguing whether George Bush was Leonidas or the Iraqi people were the Spartans? Or when both conservatives and liberals were claiming the titular role in V for Vendetta? Or if that was too long ago for you, how about when Wall-E came out and the Internet pipes burned with fat indigestion indignation and anti-environmentalism?
After The Dark Knight’s record-breaking weekend, several eggheads are already suggesting that Batman is President George Bush in the War of Terror.
SG Side Note:
If terrorists want to frighten Americans again, and–let’s face it–they haven’t lately, they should dress like clowns. Imagine those tiny little cars stuffed with 20 suicide bombers. Zounds!
As much as I love a good geek slapfight, I’m gonna have to put this one to rest. Sorry, but The Dark Knight is not about George Bush. It is, in fact, about my Great-Uncle Mortimer. Read more
Written by Rick SneeTake it from Snee: No more satire
Posted on July 16, 2008
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If you’re a regular reader of “Take it from Snee,” then you’re probably expecting some satire. Well, not this week and never again.
You see, I’ve learned something this week: satire isn’t funny unless everyone agrees it is. In fact, the only successful satire ever written was A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift, and that’s only because people don’t read it until high school after a teacher explains the joke. (Spoiler alert: British people love to eat Irish babies.)
I could go ahead and just explain every TifS, but I’m still a lazy man even when I’m no longer satirical. Instead, I’ve chosen to denounce Rick Snee’s most inflammatory statements, which I find offensive and wholly inappropriate. Read more
Written by Rick SneeTake it from Snee: Can’t wait for that Depression!
Posted on July 9, 2008
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A few months ago, we asked you to do something. Don’t remember? Starbucks was in trouble and you were supposed to help save them. We don’t ask you for much, but the one time we do, you let them fall deeper in debt and close 600 locations.
So, here we are, America. With talks of foreclosures, unemployment and gas shortages, we are verging closer and closer to a Recession, which is just a nice way of saying Depression. (Before “Depression,” they were called “Panics.” Eventually, we’ll call it a “Bother.”)
You’re probably thinking to yourself, “No big deal. My parents are loaded. I’ll just kill them.” Unfortunately, your money is only part of the problem. If we enter another Depression, all the money in the world won’t buy any of the following necessities. Read more
Written by Rick SneeTake it from Snee: Online personals decoded
Posted on July 2, 2008
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They’re lurking in the corner of every Web site that congratulates you on your politics, art tastes and sense of humor: personal ads. They’re usually in a sidebar, with a close-up headshot on someone (the better to hide your fat with) and a clever quote, like “Environmentalism is sexy, originality is sexier.”
When did Web mags like Salon or The Onion become meatmarkets? I submit they always have, at least in the comments sections. Likeminded individuals textually fellate the authors, the posters that agree with them and themselves for being so gosh-golly smart to the point that my monitor looks like a used bench press.
So with the click of the ad, you, too, can meet someone who finds Jimmy Fallon unfunny, yet physically likeable. Unfortunately, 300,000 users can’t all date Mel_Odius, so you’re gonna have to sort through a lot of cryptic loser profiles. Read more
Written by Rick SneeTake it from Snee: Street, street justice!
Posted on June 25, 2008
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As a driver, I happen to know that I am the very best driver there is.
Don’t pretend it isn’t true. Fess up. You’ve got tickets. There was that little fender-bender a few years ago. And that was somebody’s grandmother you just flipped off.
I, however, have no such issues. My relatively few tickets and whoopsies (”accidents” are so formal) weren’t due to driver incompetence; they were because of booze. And we all know that alcoholism is a disease. You wouldn’t blame someone’s tumor for groping you in the elevator, right? Right.
But maintaining my flawless (sober) record is wearing my nerves out. I’ve raised the bar very slowly the past 10 years, dispelling the naysayers with commute after commute of form-perfect driving, but you other drivers refuse to follow my example.
Well, no more Mr. Nice Guy! You’ve caught me in between my annual Labor Day Weekend Mad Max Trilogy Parties*, so I’m itching for street justice! I won’t be sated until red lights are obeyed, blood is on the street or AMC runs those movies very, very soon.
Here’s how it’s gonna go down: Read more
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