The Tennessee Valley Authority might sell off a site featuring an incomplete nuclear power plant. The only catches are that the tech installed there dates back to the 1970s, the reactor is not complete and you’d have to live in Alabama.
This would be a prime real estate opportunity for anyone considering:
Embarking on a work-from-home career in supervillainy.
Building a life-sized replica of Springfield from The Simpsons.
Forsaking living anywhere nice just to pay less in taxes.
If interested, please contact TVA before March 18 and tell them that you think it’s a great idea. Also, please don’t run any supervillain name/shtick ideas past them; that’s your problem, bub.
In the immediate aftermath of 9/11, we passed the USA PATRIOT Act. (Like with most important bills, the crafters made good use of time to craft a strong, patriotic acronym for the title.) In the 14 years since 9/11, we’ve bravely stuck with it, replacing it with bills that minimally roll back the surveillance measures we originally agreed to. (They also had proud, powerful acronymic names, like the USA FREEDOM Act.) Courageously, we established that the only way to defend freedom is to sign it away.
In those years, we’ve taken strong stands against people who treated Ebola patients, no matter what egghead doctors said. Now, we’re bravely trying to deny refuge to people seeking to escape madmen so scary that, rather than face them decisively, we blow them up from New Mexico with flying murder-bots. (This is totally not like how our villains send robots after heroes in our movies. When we do it in real life, it’s courageous.)
And now, we’ve finally reached the point where we’re brave enough to not only deny sanctuary to people who have lived through the wars we ignore, we’re also courageous enough to call “internment camps” (a phrase we dashingly invented to separate us from cowardly Nazis and their dirty concentration camps) what they really were: a good idea.
But, it’s not just diseases and people that we’re standing up to. We’re also valorously roping off ideas we disagree with or that offend us, enacting safe zones and issuing trigger warnings to defend the sensibilities of those who might hear them. It takes a big person to tell Ann Coulter that, not only is she wrong about everything, but that we’d rather not tell her, please don’t come to our school.
And, when it comes to real issues, like passing budgets that might tax people or cut spending, we’ve punted a record number of years because punting is a term from football — the bravest sport in the world played by the bravest men who ever punched a woman or electrocuted a dog.
Here we are at the ass-end of 2015: still the land of the free and the home of the brave. Now please rise for the national anthem, and don’t you dare forget to put your hand over your heart. Or don’t you love your country?
Guys are just … not good at meeting and impressing women. Maybe because we’re not friends with a lot of women, we’ve developed some bizarre ideas about what women are, much less what they’re looking for in a man. That’s how we’ve mistakenly latched onto fashion trends like mustaches and skinny jeans — because nobody polled women. (And now none of us are polling women. Thanks a lot, Banana Republic.)
That’s why it’s no surprise that men took the old wives tale (after all, old wives were once MILFs and, before that, regular chicks) that the fastest way to our hearts is through our stomachs and applied the transitive property to it. Therefore, if the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach (A to B), then through our stomach is the fastest way to a woman’s heart (B to C).
What was really surprising, though, is that men eat 86 percent more salad with women than with other men. We were pretty sure that would be at least 100 percent more with women since male salad-eating just does not happen otherwise.
Also surprising? That the human species is still overpopulating the planet.
As we wrap up October Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I hope it’s been productive and that we’ve all contributed to helping people with a disease that affects a large portion of our population. The amount of pink and fundraising events is breathtaking, and I can understand why, after a whole month of it, we might all be ready for a break.
Well, I need you to refocus — briefly for now, but chiefly in November — on a whole other cause, one that affects men as much as breast cancer effects women: Movember.
Regular readers are aware that I participate in Movember every year to raise money that helps treat and make life all-around better for men affected by prostate cancer, testicular cancer and mental illness. Combined, those three kill more men than nearly any other natural factor besides lung cancer and heart disease. To raise money needed for research, quality of life programs and awareness campaigns, I grow a mustache and update you on my progress and exchange weirdness and fun in return for donations.
And thanks to people like my family and you, my friends, I’ve been able to raise over $3000 for the Movember Foundation, Livestrong and the Prostate Cancer Foundation.
But, what if we could do that in one year instead of four? To do that, I need a team of admirable men and women willing to pledge a month towards looking silly, getting fit and having some wild parties. If that sounds like a fun way to spend your November, then you are exactly the kind of person who belongs in The Admirals Club. Continue reading →
Pope Francis — first of his name; ruler of guys who still wear gold chains and most of anywhere soccer is called “football;” defender of faith-based incense — just wrapped up a very successful tour of the U.S.
The Holy See went and holy saw Washington, D.C., New York City and even slummed it up (for only an afternoon) in Philadelphia. And everywhere he went, he urged us to be the kind of people we like to think we are: to take care of the poor and maybe stop arming so many dillholes. He even convinced House Speaker John Boehner to quit his job and spend more time at home with his bronzer.
All-in-all, U.S. liberals got to sleep easy knowing that the foreign leader of a faith that mostly doesn’t apply to us is one of us. Hey, we might even start going to church again!
Fortunately for all parties, Pope Frank gave us all an easy out by visiting current liberal boogey-person (because “boogeyman” is cis-clusionary), Kim Davis. Continue reading →
Let me repeat that: there will not be a “dislike” button to click when somebody pisses you off. You’ll still have to use two mouse clicks to either ignore or unfriend them.
That said, Facebook is, however, developing a too-be-named empathy button based on at least thousands — if not millions — of requests for one because it feels kind of sh*tty to “like” when somebody’s grandma died. But what those potentially millions of users don’t realize is that it’s also kind of sh*tty to use a single mouse click and think they’re empathizing with someone’s pain.
The fact that thousands — if not millions — of users will finally achieve their dream of expressing empathy with the same calories burned to not type “LOL” at someone’s joke isn’t Facebook’s fault; it’s ours. (Although I will entertain arguments that it’s our fault because of years of using Facebook.) Continue reading →
At the time of posting, we’re 453 days away from when we actually vote for the President of the United States. We’re not just a year away, we’re still one and a quarter years away from trying to make a state government-installed touchscreen work. To put that quarter of a year in perspective, that’s like wearing your Halloween costume to work back in July.
So, it seems kind of silly that, even though there’s only been one “debate” and not one single primary vote cast, the press is already declaring leads. They’re basing this on polls, and I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been polled in my entire life. In fact, I know more people from the state of Wyoming than I know who have been asked to respond to a poll, and I’m pretty sure Wyoming isn’t real. (It’s just the lab where they built Dick Cheney.)
But, alas, we have leads in both primaries already, and wow, are we all deluding ourselves politically. In any past election, the current front-runners wouldn’t even be running as Democrat or Republican, much less leading either pack.
Don’t believe me? Read on to find out why, when it comes to this primary, the political id has triumphed in both parties, and why that’s probably bad. Continue reading →
According to the U.S. economic system, capitalism, there is only one god: market forces. If a business succeeds, it means that the almighty consumer has chosen it (praised be their spending). So it might surprise women that, despite now outnumbering men in the office, they still don’t get to touch the thermostat at work.
Naturally, the response on social media was to blame sexism. (Racism and transphobia charges are still pending, but you can bet your ass there’s somebody on Tumblr arguing it right now.) And, while it does seem sexist to tell women who are cold in the workplace that maybe they should suck it up and put on a sweater, there are actually larger factors at play here that negatively affect both men and women in the workplace.
Also, c’mon. It is much easier to put on a sweater than force all the dudes to work in spaghetti straps and maxi dresses. They don’t make Men’s Lady Bics, after all. Continue reading →
The turn of the 21st Century was heralded as a turning point in human history, so long as we survived the first second of it after all the banks failed and nukes launched due to Y2K. America was on top, Russia one of our closest allies and it looked like the world was ready to finally going to make all of our sweaters and running shoes without blowing us up.
What we got instead was basically the 1980s: the same music, decadence, banking crisis, inexplicable celebrity of Donald Trump and the over-proliferation of stand-up comedy. And the worst part is that we wanted, nay, demanded it. Anyone of drinking age, legal or otherwise last decade has an ’80s party costume hanging somewhere.
And now we’re halfway into the 2010s, and it’s looking more like the 1990s. Whether that’s by consequence of reliving the ’80s or by design is a debate I’ll leave for another day. But, we’re definitely embracing it more enthusiastically than we should. Here’s the evidence of why we’re actually doomed to re-experience the decade that inflicted Urkel on the world — the only time in human history when we didn’t TG that it was F. Continue reading →