Category: Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: Dad Rock Hall of Fame inducts Green Day

As fellow Guy, Bryan McBournie, reported a little over a week ago, Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong melted down at the iHeartRadio Music Festival at the MGM Grand Las Vegas. Armstrong objected to the final minute of his set, and whether Green Day’s set was cut short or not, he wanted the audience to know that it was “f%#king bulls*&t” as illustrated by the following:

  1. He’s been around since f%#cking nineteen eighty-f$#king-eight.
  2. He’s not f&@king Justin Bieber, you motherf#@kers.
  3. [You made him do this to his guitar.]
  4. God f%&king loves you all.
  5. He and the rest of Green Day will be back.

Music critics, and children who still give Green Day Kids’ Choice Awards, called it the most punk rock thing ever. But, I’m not so sure. Let’s look at his arguments, because they just cemented themselves in the Dad Rock Hall of Fame.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Dad Rock Hall of Fame inducts Green Day

Republican Alabamians go full-Mormon for Romney

Knowing their state is a lock for Mitt Romney in the 2012 presidential election, members of the Alabama Republican Party have gone full-Mormon. Their new initiative, Alabama’s Battleground Patriots, will send volunteers door-to-door in swing states, including Florida, North Carolina, Ohio and — oh, good lord — Virginia to spread the good word about voting for Romney.

So, it looks like certain Guys who thought they left this malarkey behind when they moved from Alabama to Virginia will be keeping their lights off and remaining as quiet as possible.

Take it from Snee: Opposite Day

When British General Lord Cornwallis surrendered to George Washington, his drum and fife corps played “The World Turn’d Upside Down.”

History is full of opposite days. So much so, in fact, that I spent every day between kindergarten and today practicing for one. Especially when caught in a childhood gaffe, like accidentally admitting to watching David the Gnome every day. “What? No! I was kidding! It’ s Opposite Day. Or is it?”

Reading the news today, it’s either Opposite Day, or I drove through a dimensional detour on my way to work. After all, there are certain truths that will always be true, right? Truths like …  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Opposite Day

Ask Dr. Snee: Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of Prozac

Ahoy, mateys! Ship’s surgeon Dr. Snee here, reportin’ fer duty! Yarrrrr!

To celebrate Talk like a Pirate Day, I’ll be answering yer medical queries concerning all things piratical in nature. And, if ye be needin’ a second opinion, then I’ve trained me helper pigeon, Nurse Polly, to repeat everything I just said, plus several pirate insults because yer a mutinous cockswain!

Weigh anchor and hit the jump, me hearties! I promise not to let the crew cast ye into Davy Jones Locker until the cook gets yer best parts in the stew.  Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of Prozac

Take it from Snee: Explaining Democracy to Foreigners, Children

Hello, and welcome to another edition of Explaining [U.S. political institution] to Foreigners and Children! But, more importantly …

Congratulations on downloading and installing Democracy® on your PC or Mac-based national operating system! Upgrading to Democracy® from previous systems of government may include complications, particularly if replacing a strong arm dictator that ate up all of your resources. This manual should help you navigate the pitfalls that may occur when new users attempt to operate unfamiliar Democratic™ applications, like FreeSpeech™ and FreeWorship™.

Egypt and Libya: technically, this is your appointment at the Genius Bar®, but I hope you won’t mind if others (like the aforementioned children) follow along. However, do not attempt to bootleg and share Explaining Democracy® to Foreigners and Children (© 1789) with unlicensed Democracy® users, as this violates my copyright and your warranty.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Explaining Democracy to Foreigners, Children

Take it from Snee: Women see mysteriously

Women are a mystery that have perplexed great minds, from Steven Hawking to male Congressmen and, finally, myself. I’ve spent the better part of a year trying to get down to the bottom of the Other Gender (without implying that they’re fat). And, every time I think I’ve got them just about figured out, another question comes up.

So, it’s once more unto the breach, my friends. That is, until that breach secretes hormones to shut us down. Welcome to part three of “Women are Mysterious,” in which I take into account new scientific research that indicates that women even see differently from men …  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Women see mysteriously

Take it from Snee: NASA’s newest mission for relevancy

In 2008, NASA beamed a recording of The Beatles’ “Across the Universe” into space. Four years, a severely cut budget and no response later, they’ve taken a new tack: assaulting Mars with Will.i.am. And make no mistake: a sonic bombardment of auto-tuned Black-Eyed Pea is just that, an assault, perhaps meant to drive lifeforms out of hiding so they’ll try to turn the stereo off. Or even just pound on the ceilings of their subterranean lairs with a broom handle. Any reaction that gives them away will do, really.

So, how did we arrive at this point, where America’s space agency has mohawks and Mars rovers with twitter accounts? With the end of manned space missions, NASA has embraced a new goal: cultural relevancy.

You can’t blame them. When 46 percent — nearly half — of Americans believe in strictly creationism and a sitting member of the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology doesn’t know how rape works (and yet has an opinion about it), it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that nobody cares about space exploration unless we find God a la Star Trek V.

Good for you, NASA. You cracked the code to making the news cycles and, maybe one day, more money. But, where do you go from here? I’m glad you asked …  Continue reading Take it from Snee: NASA’s newest mission for relevancy

Colorado University: ‘Ask about our smoking [barrel] dorms’

As August winds down, it’s time for college students to return to their studies. And students returning to Colorado University will each face the mother of all decisions when moving into dorms: smoking? Or non-smoking? Not cigarettes, mind you, but barrels.

After losing an appeals case in the Colorado State Supreme Court, CU must now allow concealed weapons permit-holding students to live in campus housing. In response, they have set aside family housing units in Boulder and upperclassmen dorms in Colorado Springs for those who can’t bear to sign their arms away in campus police lockers.

James Manley, the attorney who represented the student guns-rights group in court (and most appropriately named proponent of holstered penises everywhere), will be examining this segregated living arrangement along with restrictions forbidding them from taking their weapons into non-smoking dorms and ticketed sprting and cultural events on campus. Student life-rights activists have countered, arguing that all gunshot victims are technically secondhand gunsmoke victims.

Ask Dr. Snee: Actively answering letters

Hello there, and welcome to another round of Ask Dr. Snee. I’m pretty busy right now, training this group of interns. But I figured that since this week’s topic is getting Americans more active, I could use your letters as a training opportunity.

Speaking of, you ever notice how these “exercise more” campaigns always coincide with the Summer Olympics? That’s America’s old Cold War fever setting in again. It’s not the same as when footraces were the world’s most obvious analogy for the arms race, but China’s kind of like that rebound nemesis every superpower needs after a break-up.

So, get set for some great exercising tips (dudes) and a stiff, awkward bed-side manner (ladies).  Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Actively answering letters

Take it from Snee: Theater shooting spree a tragedy

As an Internet comedy writer, it’s my job to be funny. Unfortunately, I just can’t do that this week because some … not gonna mince words here … jerk shot and killed at least a dozen people and wounded even more at a midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises last week.

It’s a tragedy, which means that some topics are not appropriate to discuss, like gun control. And they won’t be appropriate to talk about again until the next shooting spree, which means they’ll be in poor taste again.

You see, it’s time we stand up as a nation and rally around the real victims here: the National Rifle Association and other Second Amendment activists. That’s right: it’s time for another non-joking meeting of the Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarian Militia. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Theater shooting spree a tragedy