Nope. Nope nope nope nope.

Everyday Australians’ new struggle [reenacted to protect the squeamish].
Our thoughts and prayers go out to Australia, whose citizens will have to personally hand-catch deadly Sydney funnel web spiders if they don’t want deaths from bites to go back up. The Australian Reptile Park, a zoo that is the sole supplier of funnel web spider anti-venom, is unable to keep up with demand by catching and (eeeugh) milking their own spiders. [Warning: Reuters is supremely f*cked up — the first thing you will see on the page is a close up of one of the world’s grossest spiders up close and on-the-job.]

If the reptile park does not receive enough donated spiders, Australia stands to run short on anti-venom that has prevented every single death from bites since it was established in 1981.

So, while we stand on a chair in solidarity with you, mates, it sounds like you’re gonna have to go toe-to-tarsus (look it up) with these spiders, armed only with wooden spoons and glass jars. If it helps, try to channel the ancient Aussies that ate their way through all of your prehistoric nightmares.

Just don’t eat them. You’re almost out of anti-venom.

Animal Warriors of the Week: Australians

Maybe this is why today’s Aussies are barely perturbed by a mere crocodile. Or why they never expected death from a stingray.

Longtime readers of SeriouslyGuys know that we’ve been at War on Animals since the founding days of this publication. Why? Because humans have always been at war with animals. And, it turns out that we’ve been winning it for the past 45,000 years in the least likely of places: Australia.

Despite being home of the deadliest animals on Earth — giant spiders, poisonous snakes, kangaroos, koalas with switchblades — things were even worse at one point in Australia. Like, “kangaroos weighing more than 1,000 pounds, 25-foot long lizards, 2,000-pound wombats, and many more huge creatures” worse. That is, until a group of new human arrivals to Oz said, “Crikey,” rolled up their sleeves and got to work eating anything larger than a can of Fosters.

And, to be sure, scientists ruled out “major changes in climate, vegetation or biomass burning.” What they couldn’t rule out? Evidence of eating cooked giant birds’ eggs in the remains of ancient cook fires — proving that you truly can’t make a civilization without cracking a few eggs.

So, good on ya, mates! Thank you for inventing both human dominance over god’s creatures great and small and the barbie!

Check your Christmas tree for snakes

Here in the U.S., and in countries around the world that try to be America, it’s Christmastime–a sacred holiday filled with celebrating Jesus’ birth by asking people to buy you things. So as we celebrate by binge drinking with friends and family in tacky sweaters, let’s not forget to remain on our guards.

A woman in Melbourne, Australia found a deadly tiger snake slithering in her Christmas tree yesterday. No doubt the snake was there to give the gift of its venom to all the good boys and girls. The woman reportedly called an animal handler, then made herself a cup of tea and watched the thing act like scaly garland in her tree.

The snake was caught, and luckily no humans were harmed. We have no word on whether the snake will live to see Christmas.

Aussie brewers recreate shipwreck beer in time for weekend

What’s better than booze? Shipwreck booze. But that’s really hard to come by for your average Joe. The next best thing is modern booze made to replicate shipwreck booze.

In 1797, the Sydney Cove, a British trading ship, was run aground on an island near Tasmania during a storm. The wreck survived the centuries, and so did its cargo, which included some beer. Now, Australian brewers have made a beer from yeast found in bottles that were on the Sydney Cove.

So if you happen to be in Australia, you can do what the crew likely did during that storm, and slam some brews like there’s no tomorrow.

Big Tasmanian Devil Milk achieves medical spin

It wasn't essential to the research, but just for sh*ts and grins, one researcher married each Tasmanian devil before yanking those sweet, sweet peptides out of their tits.
It wasn’t essential to the research, but just for sh*ts and grins, one researcher married each Tasmanian devil before yanking those sweet, sweet peptides out of their tits.

We knew scientists were getting desperate for new sources of antibiotics now that all of the old ones are becoming less effective. (Serves us right for resting on Salk’s laurels.) But, we didn’t realize how desperate they’re getting until we learned that they’re milking Tasmanian devils.

It shouldn’t be too surprising, though, that it’s Australian researchers going full tit at Tasmanian devils. On the scale of scary Down-under animals, taking a devil down by the nipple seems relatively tame.

So why bother at all? According to those researchers, who — again — reached into the pouch of at least one Tasmanian devil to milk it, their milk contains six important peptides that appear to be able to kill hard-to-treat infections, including MRSA.

Of course, far tamer wallabies and opossums have 12 and eight peptides respectively in their milk, but where’s the fun in that? If the Aussies have their way, we bet the best way to milk Tasmanian devils is with your teeth, too.

Science: Sharks like AC/DC

Have you ever wondered what kind of music sharks like? If so, you’re probably not very much fun at the beach, but you’re not alone.

According to a new book, the behavior of sharks can be seen to change when AC/DC is played for them. An Australian charter boat captain said he noticed that when he played certain selections from his music collection, AC/DC in particular, the sharks beneath his ship would calm down. A neuroscientist says this is likely because the sharks are attracted to the low pulsing sounds found in the band’s music. But he also said AC/DC was heavy metal, so take it with a grain of salt.

It was also discovered that sharks really want Brian Johnson to lead the band again.

Man bitten by spider on penis for second time this year

If a deadly spider bites you, that’s bad. If a deadly spider bites you on your manhood, that’s really bad. If a deadly spider bites you on your manhood twice, take a hint.

The redback spider, related to the black widow, is one of the deadliest spiders in Australia. So when a man was bitten by one while using a portable toilet back in April, he counted himself as unlucky. But it happened again. The same man, who understandably doesn’t want to give out his full name, was bitten by another redback spider (or maybe the same one) again while using a portable toilet this week. He seems to be recovering just fine, but one had to wonder just what he’s trying to do to these spiders that make them bite him, and if he’s gotten any superpowers as a result. Maybe it’s a Jimmy Kimmel bit.

Also, an important cultural note: if you’re ever in Australia, never, ever sit down on a toilet, they are covering in spiders, and they flush the wrong way, too.

Citizens call cops, throw water balloons at Pokemon hordes

A sleepy town in Australia has found itself under siege over the past week. Without their consent, their neighborhood has been made into a stop for people playing Pokemon Go.

A park in the town of Rhodes has been swarmed with people playing a game where you look at your phone and walk places. Police had to be called in to evict and arrest people playing the game after residents complained of crowds of people making a ruckus all through the night. Residents even through water balloons at the swarm to ward them off.

The attack is said to have decimated the charizard population.

War on Robots brings you pizza

The machines know that not all of us will accept them right away. Some of us will need to be convinced. Now they’re getting serious.

In Australia, Domino’s is going to start delivering pizza by robot. Coming soon, Aussies can order a pizza and wait for this Mars rover looking thing show up at their doors with food hot and ready to go. It’s not clear what the next stage of the robots’ plan is after that.

But rest assured, they will find out where you live, and they will buy your trust. Then they will betray you.

Spiders frame man for domestic abuse

There’s nothing funny about domestic abuse. But there’s also nothing funny about the War on Animals. This is a very serious post.

Just outside Sydney, Australia, police responded to calls from neighbors that there were angry death threats shouted by a man inside an apartment, as well as shrieks of fear in a higher pitch. The man who answered the door denied anything of the sort, despite being out of breath. He even denied that there was a woman in the house in the first place.

As it turns out, the man found a spider in his home, and “a really big one” at that. It was determined that he had been yelling at the spider, as well as screaming like a woman because he was terrified of it.

There is a happy ending to this story, though. The spider was killed.