We at SG don’t trust Australia. Everything about the country has involved to be the worst. Their animals are the worst. Their hooligans are the worst. Their plants are the worst. Mind you, this really shouldn’t be too expected from a country that was founded first as a penal colony, but still!
And now the zombies are upon us. A man was seen Monday evening running down a freeway, cavorting as happily as he could be giving people hugs. With his head. And by people, I mean their cars. Worse so, witnesses likened his actions to the beginning “zombie” rush of World War Z (the lackluster film, not the spectacular book).
Police were investigating whether there were traces of alcohol or drugs in the man’s body, but let’s be honest, there was probably only one poison in his body: solanum.
If you read this blog, you’re probably a huge Katy Perry fan. So we don’t need to tell you that her newest album, “Prism,” debuted last month. However, it caused a biosecurity alarm in Australia.
The country’s Department of Agriculture grew concerned after finding out that Perry’s album contained seed paper, which she encouraged her fans to plant so that flowers could grow. The problem is, that can let in some invasive plant species, or even pests from other countries. After several calls were made, it was determined that the Australian-made albums were fine, but the imports had to be pulled from the market.
The Australian government has a standing order to shoot down her plane on sight when her tour arrives.
When I was a young child, I thought Australia was the bee’s knees. So much wild stuff was happening there! And then I saw an episode of Lassie where the titular dog was threatened by a kangaroo on the loose. As in, legitimate “the dog could be killed by the marsupial” danger.
Australia was taken off my list and so were kangaroos.
Now kangaroos are on the move. No longer fit to just have their own land, kangaroos are sending scouts into airports, potentially to hijack planes. No heed is paid to the state of their scouts, bleeding all over clean (enough) airport floors. No worry is paid to the laws of man, attempting to take any and all medicines that might aid their healing, but definitely will aid the healing of a hungover tourist.
We hate to say it but we will: our (airport) borders need to be strengthened.
Our worst fears continue to be realized: animals have come to take our booze.
In Australia, a land that is designed to kill everything, around campsites, murder of the most important degree took place. While campers slept, a monster crept into to their camps, guzzled cans of their beer and then ran off, the horrific damage it had created been over. This took place over a series of days.
Do you get easily bored during exercise? If only someone had developed a product that you can drink that makes mundane activities like family reunions and bowling more exciting. If only …
Australian scientists knew the answer to our rhetorical question before we could even ask it. They’ve developed a beer with electrolytes — or, what plants crave — that rehydrates both you and your liver. (Bonus: it’s a light beer, so you won’t accidentally bulk up on it, ladies.)
Testing showed that, out of four beers, it was the best at hydrating you after a workout. This is pretty much how The Guys choose anything: what’s the best option for rehydration? Uh-huh, Gatorade, right. And what’s the best option on tap?
Have you ever wanted to own a table where a nuclear pact between the U.S. and another country was signed? How about the brass toilet paper holder of a head of state? Maybe just some really cool office furniture?
For just a few thousand Australian dollars, which we assume is like $10 U.S., you can have a chair that once supported the asses of President George W. Bush and Russian Prime Minister/President Vladimir Putin, and, if that’s not creepy enough for you, Vice President Dick Cheney sat there, too.
It’s winter time in Australia. Right now, Aussies are probably going to holiday parties and singing carols in the streets, then comparing knives. We don’t picture there being much else to do this Australian holiday season.
That’s why it doesn’t come as a shock that a man from down under reports that he has taught mice to skateboard on a little ramp. Some might raise alarm to this development, after all, doesn’t this mean the mice can teach others, becoming one step closer to humans?
They found preserved tissue remains of the Placoderm, an ancient jawed vertebrate fish from the Devonian period, nearly 420 (dude!) million years ago. It had armored plating and musculature so advanced that it’s not even found in modern fish — probably because it was on a constant Paleo diet, brah. However, it made sure to cross-train, so despite all those muscles, it also had a pronounced, articulate neck.
The Placoderm ruled the seas for 70 million years until a series of an environmental catastrophes wiped out their population. This paved the way for sharks, who still occasionally take a bite out of the fish’s be-abbed human equivalent out of sheer habit.
When the robots come for your beer, will you be ready?
In Australia, a cellular (or “mo-be-ulh”) telephone network had an unexplained dead zone in the town of Wangaratta, and no one knew why. So the company, Telstra, sent out software robots to find the source and tracked down the source with the help of humans. Turns out it was a beer fridge giving off just the right frequency of electricity to mess with the network. Obviously, the beer is more important.
Let’s remember, they gave up their guns just a few years ago, and look what happened!