Category: That Wacky Australia

| Filed under That Wacky Australia, War on Animals

No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

"Angel hair": Australian for "g'yeeeeew!"
“Angel hair”: Australian for “g’yeeeeew!”

Look, Australia, we get it. You’re used to f*cked up animal events. If the War on Animals were a Vietnam War movie, you’d be the platoon wearing necklaces made from wallaby ears.

But calling the miles of silk left behind after millions of spiders travel as a single invasion cloud “angel hair?” That’s a level of comfort with our animal foe that we just cannot get behind.

Also, where are all those flamethrowers from the Mad Max movies? Now that’s how you handle a cloud of airborne spiders.

| Filed under Scurry (Politics), Sex Sells, That Wacky Australia

Australia’s Sex Party gets cockblocked

Stay strong, Australian Sex Party. If not for us, stay strong for Australian Chris Pratt.
Stay strong, Australian Sex Party. If not for us, stay strong for Australian Chris Pratt.

Like the bitter reality of orgies, it’s not looking good for Australia’s Sex Party. The only thing we know about Australian politics took a blow Thursday when they lost their registration in the Australian Election Commission. This means that, although they can still field candidates, there will be no more Sexy names on ballots or Sexy federal funding.

The problem is that, to maintain their registration, they need to either have an elected representative in the federal government or prove that they have at least 500 members. But, because most of their members don’t have home phone numbers and move around a lot, they’re having trouble keeping their confirmed numbers up.

Well, Australia, you’re not the only ones who lose if you no longer have a Sex Party. The Guys need to know that there are still sexy times in the world. So, we’re calling on all members of the Australian Sex Party to make yourselves known as publicly as possible. Get out there and show how many of you there truly are in your terrifying country.

That’s right: we’re calling for Handjobs Across Australia.

| Filed under That Wacky Australia

More than you bargained for on Street View

If you’ve ever seen one of those Google Maps cars, you know how tempting they can be. A woman in Australia gave into the temptation, and is getting charged for it.

According to authorities, when a woman saw a the car that takes street view pictures, she ran after it and flashed the car. She ended up on Google Maps. But don’t go looking for it, she’s 38. She’s now facing public indecency charges.

| Filed under That Wacky Australia, War on Animals

Beer: the snake’s weakness

Snakes are bad, but the Australians are showing us how to neutralize threats and enjoy a buzz at the same time.

It seems that Australian snakes have a powerful thirst, so the locals leave empty beer cans out. The snakes get their heads stuck in the cans, and just like that, you don’t need to worry about the snake biting you or your family.

To set up these snake traps here in the U.S. simply:

  1. Empty a beer can.
  2. Throw it in your yard.
  3. Wait.
| Filed under That Wacky Australia

Meet the androgenous gingerbread person cookie

The War on Christmas starts earlier every year.

A bakery in Melbourne, Australia is kicking things off by offering a genderless, vegan gingerbread person cookie. And it’s not even Halloween. Is this really necessary? It’s not like gingerbread men are waving around their gingerbread penises (unless you’re at a bachelorette party around the holidays), so why can’t we just let these men have their dignity? At least make them non-vegan, it’s inhumane not to.

And doesn’t Australia celebrate Christmas in the June or something?

| Filed under Booze News, That Wacky Australia, War on Animals

Get your own beer, boar!

Folks, we all know that animals are a threat to our safety, but it turns out that more importantly, they’re a threat to our booze.

In Australia, a wild boar got into some brews at a campground. By “some” we mean 18 beers. The beast then drunkenly went on a rampage, even fighting a cow, because apparently they have those at Australian campgrounds.

Of course, we know that cows and beer don’t mix, either.

| Filed under That Wacky Australia

Adaptability is what keeps us strong

Anyone that’s watched a Jackie Chan movie knows that if you’re in a fight, you have to use whatever’s on hand to defend yourself. Always be on your toes. Are you in a janitor’s closet? Time to use a broom. Break it in two and you’ve got Escrima sticks. Are you in a kitchen? Knives, pans, even the basket in the fryer is a weapon. If you’re at a horse farm, expect to be hit with a whip and branding iron.

If you’re at an adult store, you’ll probably be hit by a whip also. Though it’ll be shorter. And you’ll also be hit in the face with a dildo of varying sizes, which is something you may alrea- – never mind.

Suffice to say, there’s more than one way to go down in the history books.

| Filed under Booze News, That Wacky Australia

Inventive alcoholic labeled just alcoholic by the law

The law is biased against people that consume the spirits.

Perhaps you may already be aware of this revelation, but nonetheless, it’s not a fair revelation. Ingenuity and the inventive spirit are part of the cornerstone of our society, and yet, Johnny Law don’t give a fudge.

And this isn’t just in the U and the S of the A! Over in Australia, a young man managed to motorize a beer cooler … but not in the fashion of it just moving up and down. No, the beer cooler could actually carry a person and transport them from point A to point B. How genius is that? It’s apparently the worst thing in the world.

Police said the vehicle was potentially dangerous and that the cooler contained alcohol.

A motorized beer cooler: it’s worse than cocaine.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, That Wacky Australia

Putting the ‘spunk’ in ‘spelunking’

"I love escargot."
“I love escargot.”

There are a lot of hazards to exploring caves: cave-ins, bats, those creepy blind lizards, James Franco’s arm, canary-killing gases and now splooge.

A group of Australian paleontologists found more than they bargained for — which is a tall order in Australia, where everything is bigger/weirder/deadlier — in a fossil cave they found back in 1988. 26 years later, and they found the world’s oldest sperm sample. And it is huge … proportionally, anyway.

Deposited by an ostracod, an ancient type of shrimp that measured only 1 millimeter long, the sperm is, uncoiled, 10 times its size.

Science hasn’t discovered that ridiculous amount of sperm in one creature since Rod Stewart, Richard Gere and Little Kim. (Several generations of eighth graders claim the discovery of each.)

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, That Wacky Australia, War on Animals

U.N. gives Japan something to wail about

Alright, alright. You won. But you don't have to showboat in the your-zone. It's called sportsmanship.
Alright, alright. You won. But you don’t have to showboat in the your-zone. It’s called sportsmanship.

It’s been a fantastic run by Japan, but it looks like one of the last few fronts in the War on Whales is shutting down. The International Court of Justice in The Hague ordered Japan to end its research on the enemy, all based on the flimsy argument that there’s no evidence that killing whales is research.

Did Japan only start killing whales for research after the 1986 moratorium? No. They killed 2, 100 in the 34 years before commercial whaling was banned in 1986. (Thanks, Star Trek IV.) So, it stands to reason that the 14,000 they’ve killed in the 24 years since is because they’re so much better at research now and not because research is the only excuse to do it.

So, thanks a lot, the U.N. And thank you, too, Australia, who took Japan to court over this in the first place. We could have learned so much about dead whales, but now we’ll get their songs stuck in our heads while studying live ones.