Australia on high alert after giant ducky breaks free

There is a giant inflatable yellow duck drifting somewhere in the Indian Ocean. Her name is Daphne, and her owners are seeking help in getting her back.

All of Australia is on alert following reports of a giant ducky floating away from a swim event. The Cockburn Masters Swimming Club, which held the event, had bought Daphne as a sort of mascot. During the swim, Daphne caught some high winds and was blown out to sea.

We can only assume that Daphne is out there in the ocean, plotting her revenge and waiting for the right time to strike.

Australia seems mixed on the War on Animals

Australia is filled with crazy people and deadly creatures, and is pretty much deserted in the middle, which basically makes it Florida. And as the summer in the Southern Hemisphere wraps up, it seems like a good time to check in on our allies down under.

In Queensland, some fools decided to save a giant spider from flood waters. The whistling spider, also called the Australian tarantula, was dangling on a tree branch in an attempt to escape a flood, and some passersby decided to help it. Keep in mind this thing is larger than your hand and hisses. They then moved it to a tree in the center of town and probably thought they did a good deed. We can only hope that their arrests are forthcoming.

Also in Queensland, a family finally caught a deadly brown snake living in their yard with the use of a jackhammer. The snake, one of the most poisonous in Australia, had been living under some steps for months. They decided to jackhammer the concrete walkway outside their house to give the beast fewer places to hide.

The plan worked, and the snake was caught in just a couple hours. Well done, brave warriors.

Doesn’t he wrestle sharks like a Welshman?

Paul Marshallsea, seen here living up to his name, violated doctor's orders by going viral.
Paul Marshallsea, seen here living up to his name, violated doctor’s orders by going viral.

Paul Marshallsea was given simple directions by his doctor: to take some time off of work due to stress. And how did he choose to spend his time recuperating from stress? By going to Australia, home of the world’s most dangerous everything, and when that wasn’t enough, swimming away from the venom-soaked continent to wrestle a shark.

So, it only makes sense that the charity for which he works, the Pant and Dowlais Boys & Girls Club, fired him. When you use time off to rescue someone other country’s kids from a shark, that’s called moonlighting, Mr. Marshallsea.

And in parallel news, the shark was fired by his entire species for “violating the confidence and trust in him and his ability to perform the role” of devouring Australians.

Judges betray humanity for goats

We often think that problems with the judicial system are reserved explicitly for the U.S. Turns out it’s not true. In Australia, animals have figured out how to work the system.

At some point last year, in some city (the story isn’t big on giving details), Gary the goat was arrested and fined A$440 for eating a city flower bed. His owner, James “Jimbo” Bazoobi, a comedian apparently somehow indebted to the goat, launched into action. He argued in court that the fine was written to the goat, and not a person, so the charge couldn’t possibly stick.

He won.

Kill a camel, save the world

Florida may have a python problem, but Australia has it worse. They are overrun with camels and their farts. It may sound like a strange problem, it may also sound strange that there are camels in Australia in the first place.

Let’s back up. Camels were introduced to the island nation back in 1840, likely by some Egyptian ship captain who lost a bet. Today, there are roughly 750,000 roaming around, and that should double in a decade. Plus, they are quite flatulent. The problem is that those camel farts are hurting the atmosphere.

To deal with the problem, a wildlife consultant group proposed giving carbon credits for killing camels, since it would curb emissions. It was voted down by a government committee.

This is one of the few times The Guys will side with the environmental people.

God smites the sexy statue

Repent, ye Australian sculptors of sexy lady sculptures, for ye will be judged–not on your sins, but on your artistic ability.

If there is a god in Australia, he is not a fan of boobs, or at least the ones made by Tom Finlay. The stonemason was reportedly only 50 meters (roughly 10.2 feet, we think) from his curvy sculpture dedicated to the women of Northern Territory, Australia, when lightning stuck, shattering the statue.

Somehow the only significant part of the sculpture to survive the strike and the fall were the boobs, though one nipple was damaged.

NASA says feds still need fiscal solution after Dec. 21

When it comes to the Mayan-predicted apocalypse, all options — including financial ones — are on the table.

Despite what the Mayans say, Congress and the President cannot bank on the world ending on Dec. 21, 2012. This is a disappointment to both sides, who each planned on  delaying the approval of a compromise budget plan until the return of Bolon Yokte and the destruction of the world.

Because Republicans and Democrats defunded NASA, the nearly grounded space agency has more time to update their Web site. And according to their latest blog post (which is totally the same thing as being published):

Just as the calendar you have on your kitchen wall does not cease to exist after December 31, the Mayan calendar does not cease to exist on December 21, 2012. This date is the end of the Mayan long-count period but then — just as your calendar begins again on January 1 — another long-count period begins for the Mayan calendar.

So, get back to work on that grand compromise, feds. The Mayans aren’t letting you off easy, no matter what the Australian prime minister says.

Australian education victim of tomfoolery, still gives the right information

This year, Year 12 students taking the Australian VCE history exam were told that robots were an integral part of the Russian Revolution. The Russian Revolution of 1917.

It would appear that this incorrect, as the source of this integral information appears to have come not from the annals of history, but a Google Image Search.

Or is it? Oh sure, we say that it’s highly farfetched that powerful robots were around in the early part of the 20th century and able to turn the tide of the October Revolution, but think about it. If we’ve learned anything from the documentary series about Skynet, it’s that robots easily have the ability to be sent back in time. Not only that, but we also know, once again thanks to the aforementioned documentary series, that robots can be reprogrammed for our personal use, but can be destroyed. With those pieces of information, is it really outlandish to think that the painting is not a Photoshop, but an accurate retelling of history and war? I think not.

Who would’ve thought that a case of mistaken identity could be so profitable?

When I’ve done a Google search for my name, it usually comes up with the artwork of a 90’s era comic book artist or some internet guy (not me, though).

Somehow, that’s still marginally better than being confused with a major crime lord. Marginally, even in Australia.

Accidental stink bombing

In Australia, it’s fire season, and that means firefighters are working together to put out the blazes on the ground and in the air. It’s like California all summer long, except with strange accents.

Recently, about 50 firefighters and four different aircraft were battling a blaze when a helicopter drew from the wrong pond and ended up dumping raw sewage on the men below. About half of the firefighters had to be decontaminated afterwards, no word as to when their wives will go near them.