Australians drink Russian town dry

The World Cup has begun — at least that’s what we’ve been told. And host nation Russia is under an invasion from drunken Australians. After watching just one match for their home country, the Aussies drank the bars dry.

A large number of Australians traveled to Kazan, Russia, where the Australians played their first match. The relatively small town was swamped with Aussie soccer fans, who drank well into the morning, despite their team losing. In fact, they drank at least two bars completely out of beer.

Whether Australia makes it to the finals, the nation is already one of heroes.

Broccoli coffee: Because you shouldn’t enjoy anything

If there’s one thing the Millennial haven’t ruined, it’s coffee. Although they have certainly tried. But here comes an earnest attempt to make the one good thing about mornings into something awful.

Researchers in Australia have come up with what they hope will be the next big trend: broccoli coffee. The Australian government teamed up with a private research group to come up with coffee brewed with broccoli powder to get people to eat their veggies, Vegemite notwithstanding. They make powder out of broccoli, and add it into the coffee and say it doesn’t taste that bad. Scientists say two spoonfuls of that crap is equal to a serving of vegetables.

Broccoli powder can be added into any drink, not just coffee. We give it a week before it ruins beer, too.

Addicted kangaroos will kill you over a carrot

Still think it’s harmless?

Kangaroos, better known as the only animals in Australia that aren’t trying to kill you, are now trying to kill you. The reason? You guessed it: carrots.

Punk tourists are getting roughed up by kangaroos who want to score some carrots. According to reports, the ‘roos in one spot outside of Sydney expect tourist groups to have food on them, especially carrots, and get violent if they don’t.

Of course, authorities blame the human victims, rather than the junkie kangaroos, for the attacks. They claim that people entice the beasts over to them for a selfie by offering carrots and other food. This makes them expect food when they see you, and when you don’t meet their expectation, you get kicked and scratched.

If this is what a gateway vegetable can do to an animal, just imagine what would happen if you got hooked chasing the orange dragon.

Apparently spiders can live for 43 years

Most people aren’t sad when a spider dies. But scientists aren’t most people.

Australian scientists are in mourning today following the report that a spider they had been observing died at 43. It is the oldest a spider has ever lived. Number 16, a trapdoor spider, was born in the wild in 1974, probably with a bunch of brothers and sisters. It was the subject of scientific observation for so long because it lived in the same burrow its entire life. Researchers, and this is true, have expressed sadness at Number 16’s passing.

Fellow spiders said Number 16 always thought he was being watched, until he couldn’t take the stress anymore and killed himself.

Australia on high alert after giant ducky breaks free

There is a giant inflatable yellow duck drifting somewhere in the Indian Ocean. Her name is Daphne, and her owners are seeking help in getting her back.

All of Australia is on alert following reports of a giant ducky floating away from a swim event. The Cockburn Masters Swimming Club, which held the event, had bought Daphne as a sort of mascot. During the swim, Daphne caught some high winds and was blown out to sea.

We can only assume that Daphne is out there in the ocean, plotting her revenge and waiting for the right time to strike.

Australia seems mixed on the War on Animals

Australia is filled with crazy people and deadly creatures, and is pretty much deserted in the middle, which basically makes it Florida. And as the summer in the Southern Hemisphere wraps up, it seems like a good time to check in on our allies down under.

In Queensland, some fools decided to save a giant spider from flood waters. The whistling spider, also called the Australian tarantula, was dangling on a tree branch in an attempt to escape a flood, and some passersby decided to help it. Keep in mind this thing is larger than your hand and hisses. They then moved it to a tree in the center of town and probably thought they did a good deed. We can only hope that their arrests are forthcoming.

Also in Queensland, a family finally caught a deadly brown snake living in their yard with the use of a jackhammer. The snake, one of the most poisonous in Australia, had been living under some steps for months. They decided to jackhammer the concrete walkway outside their house to give the beast fewer places to hide.

The plan worked, and the snake was caught in just a couple hours. Well done, brave warriors.

Doesn’t he wrestle sharks like a Welshman?

Paul Marshallsea, seen here living up to his name, violated doctor's orders by going viral.
Paul Marshallsea, seen here living up to his name, violated doctor’s orders by going viral.

Paul Marshallsea was given simple directions by his doctor: to take some time off of work due to stress. And how did he choose to spend his time recuperating from stress? By going to Australia, home of the world’s most dangerous everything, and when that wasn’t enough, swimming away from the venom-soaked continent to wrestle a shark.

So, it only makes sense that the charity for which he works, the Pant and Dowlais Boys & Girls Club, fired him. When you use time off to rescue someone other country’s kids from a shark, that’s called moonlighting, Mr. Marshallsea.

And in parallel news, the shark was fired by his entire species for “violating the confidence and trust in him and his ability to perform the role” of devouring Australians.

Judges betray humanity for goats

We often think that problems with the judicial system are reserved explicitly for the U.S. Turns out it’s not true. In Australia, animals have figured out how to work the system.

At some point last year, in some city (the story isn’t big on giving details), Gary the goat was arrested and fined A$440 for eating a city flower bed. His owner, James “Jimbo” Bazoobi, a comedian apparently somehow indebted to the goat, launched into action. He argued in court that the fine was written to the goat, and not a person, so the charge couldn’t possibly stick.

He won.

Kill a camel, save the world

Florida may have a python problem, but Australia has it worse. They are overrun with camels and their farts. It may sound like a strange problem, it may also sound strange that there are camels in Australia in the first place.

Let’s back up. Camels were introduced to the island nation back in 1840, likely by some Egyptian ship captain who lost a bet. Today, there are roughly 750,000 roaming around, and that should double in a decade. Plus, they are quite flatulent. The problem is that those camel farts are hurting the atmosphere.

To deal with the problem, a wildlife consultant group proposed giving carbon credits for killing camels, since it would curb emissions. It was voted down by a government committee.

This is one of the few times The Guys will side with the environmental people.

God smites the sexy statue

Repent, ye Australian sculptors of sexy lady sculptures, for ye will be judged–not on your sins, but on your artistic ability.

If there is a god in Australia, he is not a fan of boobs, or at least the ones made by Tom Finlay. The stonemason was reportedly only 50 meters (roughly 10.2 feet, we think) from his curvy sculpture dedicated to the women of Northern Territory, Australia, when lightning stuck, shattering the statue.

Somehow the only significant part of the sculpture to survive the strike and the fall were the boobs, though one nipple was damaged.