There’s nothing funny about domestic abuse. But there’s also nothing funny about the War on Animals. This is a very serious post.
Just outside Sydney, Australia, police responded to calls from neighbors that there were angry death threats shouted by a man inside an apartment, as well as shrieks of fear in a higher pitch. The man who answered the door denied anything of the sort, despite being out of breath. He even denied that there was a woman in the house in the first place.
As it turns out, the man found a spider in his home, and “a really big one” at that. It was determined that he had been yelling at the spider, as well as screaming like a woman because he was terrified of it.
There is a happy ending to this story, though. The spider was killed.
Now that we’ve survived Thanksgiving, it’s time for The Guys to focus on our next important holiday: Valentine’s Day. (Sorry, rest of the world, but this is a country founded on religion, not Socialist, secular snowflake-themed coffee cups.) And the last thing we want is for Valentine’s Day to turn out the way it almost did in Ghostbusters II: ruined by the white mother of two tiny, non-Christian gods.
The mother of Odhinn and Isis (the Norse god of two-dimensional eyesight and Egyptian goddess of unfortunately topical names, respectively) was originally denied customized Nutella jars for her demi-offspring. Nutella will print custom labels for jars in Australia — because of course they do — but only if the requested names don’t appear on their no-toast-list.
After much appeasement and gnashing of teeth, Nutella has agreed to honor young Odhinn, but Isis will have to wait until things improve in the Middle East (much like the Palestinians). Her mother will have to make offerings in a nondescript Nutella jar made holy with sacramental Sharpie.
The mother of gods, Heather Taylor, is “really quite upset by this,” which is a traditional Australian warning that her venom sacs are now fully inflated and ready to pump neuro-toxin into Ferrero CEO/kangaroo Craig Barker. “You are actually making my daughter’s name dirty. You are choosing to refuse my daughter’s name in case the public refers to it negatively.”
And this is why you should always name the children sired by gods with simple names, like Tom or Jennifer. Nobody ever killed anyone in the name of Margaret.
Australian police are looking out for some dangerous motorists. You probably guessed they let a kangaroo drive, and you’re somehow not thinking weird enough.
Police in Western Australia are looking for a group of men who went cruising around a beach town on two motorized picnic tables. They didn’t hit anyone, they weren’t drinking (although it would make sense if they had been). The “vehicles” aren’t approved for road use, and authorities say the lack of safety clothing means they were a danger to themselves as well as the public.
The smart money is that they left their getaway vehicles in a park.
The next time that friend who always makes your eyes roll goes on and on about how kangaroo farts are somehow good for us, tell ’em to choke on it.
Yeah, contrary to what well-meaning kangaroo-huffers have been telling us, kangaroo farts are no safer than cow farts. Given the same amount of food, those giant, hopping rats produce the same amount of methane, so we might as well all go back to sucking farts out of cows for our highs.
Next up from science: girls do fart, and it’s worse because periods.
You’re lucky to be a drunk in the U.S. That is, of course, if you’re reading this in the U.S., and a drunk. People who like to bend an elbow don’t have it so lucky in other parts of the world.
In remote parts of Australia, people are using Vegemite to make booze. The spread contains yeast, so desperate Aussies who want a buzz use it to make the Australian equivalent of bathtub gin. This had led to calls to limit Vegemite purchases, which in turn led to a panic to keep Vegemite legal. This is a serious issue.
But not as serious as the situation in Venezuela, where they are slowing beer production because of a shortage of the grains and hops necessary to brew. Understandably, the nation is freaking out.
Authorities in Queensland, Australia are warning people not to flush those disposable wipes that have grown in popularity in recent years. They are teaming up with all the fat and semi-solids one would expect to find in a sewer to create blockages called fatbergs, and they threaten to bring sewers to their knees.
“That’s probably a four-meter screen almost completely covered in wet wipes. [There’s also] a little bit of corn; we always get corn,” said Queensland Urban Utilities worker Steve Gibson.
The couple says that, should the measure pass, will “refuse to recognize the government’s regulation of marriage if its definition includes the solemnization of same sex couples.” Basically, if gays can marry, they don’t want any part of it anymore.
Of course, should the gays force the Jensens to legally divorce, they will continue to live together (in sin) and refer to each other as husband and wife. It won’t be that gay marriage with loud music, wine, dancing and sex, though. Just very unsatisfying, somehow political straight marriage.
There are things fish shouldn’t be able to do, such as reproduce asexually. And now we have several more to add to that list.
Australia outer islands are under attack from a fish that can walk. Not only that, it can climb trees, and even survive without water for up to six days. We made need to stop calling this a fish, come to think of it.
In any case, scientists think the climbing perch, an invasive freshwater fish, can now handle saltwater, and it’s poised to make landfall in the Land Down Under. The perch is known to be aggressive, and could threaten local fish and birds. You can bet that if it does that, humans are next.