Woman wrestles shark, throws it back in sea

Australia is known to have a fair amount of sharks off its coast. In response, Aussies have build a series of ocean pools, which allow them to enjoy seawater, without all the fun stuff like waves, filtration and freedom from shark attacks. But when human territory is invaded, animals must be put in their place.

In an ocean pool in Sydney, people sat along the side of the pool watching a shark swim around. Finally, Melissa Hatheier stolled over to the shark, picked it up, and threw it back into the ocean. Her daring move saved the day for all, and was captured on video. She is now being hailed as a hero, as well she should be.

Let’s remember that in Australia, pretty much everything is trying to kill you, so the people there are just heartier than you’d find anywhere else. Especially the women, it seems.

Goldfish invade Australia

Australia is a downright terrifying place to outsiders. Pretty much every animal native to the continent looks like it’s a xenomorph, can kill you in a matter of seconds, or is a koala. That’s why it’s hilarious when our cute pets go over there and wreak havoc on their ecosystems. The latest threat: goldfish.

It looks like Western Australia is under siege by the cute little fish you win at the fair. Wildlife authorities are asking people not to flush their goldfish (assuming here that they mean living goldfish) because they are growing big and taking over waterways. Normally, goldfish live in freshwater, but they are somehow finding a way to survive in saltier bodies of water and threaten native plants and wildlife. The worry is that these salt-resistant goldfish are going to expand into other waterways and become a real problem.

So perhaps we shouldn’t be as scared of Australian wildlife as we are. Or maybe we need to be more afraid of stupid, puffy goldfish.

Booze News takes to the skies

Beer is always The Guys’ baggage.

The Guys have two important updates in the world of booze today, and both center around civil aviation.

If you’ve ever waited for your luggage in the airport, then you’ve probably seen a few mushy airport greetings. We never got them, personally. You just went on a trip to get away from someone, and now you both have to pretend to be happy to see each other?

That is, until we saw this airport reunion.

Some lucky bastard can’t wait to lock lips with this beauty in front of Avis and everybody.

An Australian man (of course) checked the beeah (it’s apparently Australian for “beer”) as his sole luggage on a flight from Melbourne to Perth. And, to demonstrate how much more seriously Australia takes both beer and luggage, it arrived in perfect condition. So, that’s two reasons to fly Quantas now.

On the other hand, it doesn’t matter how much you pay for the flight, there’s still a limit to how much you can drink before they’ll let you take off. Former Anheuser-Busch CEO August Busch IV was taken into custody for allegedly appearing too intoxicated to pilot a helicopter, which is weird, because we thought everyone drinks Bud Light to sober up before heading home. But, statistically, it’s still the safest way to travel to Waffle House at 3am.

Bad dog edits scientific journals

You shouldn’t trust science — not because it doesn’t line up with your religion, politics or financial interests — but because the entire field has been corrupted by animals.

Don’t believe us? One Australian dog sits on the editorial board of seven different medical journals. To make matters worse, he’s a pit bull, a breed that takes its name from a Florida rapper who has been involved with some of the worst music in modern history. Ollie the dog goes by Dr. Olivia Doll in her written work.

The so-called media will have you believe that this was all a plot by Ollie’s owner, a public health researcher named Mike Daube, to show how some scientific journals don’t thoroughly vet (heh) their experts. But we know that this dog, which may be one of the smartest dogs ever to exist, has done this on her own, with the assistance of the human she keeps around, to misguide mankind.

It’s entirely reasonable to believe that she’s not the only infiltrator.

Nope. Nope nope nope nope.

Everyday Australians’ new struggle [reenacted to protect the squeamish].
Our thoughts and prayers go out to Australia, whose citizens will have to personally hand-catch deadly Sydney funnel web spiders if they don’t want deaths from bites to go back up. The Australian Reptile Park, a zoo that is the sole supplier of funnel web spider anti-venom, is unable to keep up with demand by catching and (eeeugh) milking their own spiders. [Warning: Reuters is supremely f*cked up — the first thing you will see on the page is a close up of one of the world’s grossest spiders up close and on-the-job.]

If the reptile park does not receive enough donated spiders, Australia stands to run short on anti-venom that has prevented every single death from bites since it was established in 1981.

So, while we stand on a chair in solidarity with you, mates, it sounds like you’re gonna have to go toe-to-tarsus (look it up) with these spiders, armed only with wooden spoons and glass jars. If it helps, try to channel the ancient Aussies that ate their way through all of your prehistoric nightmares.

Just don’t eat them. You’re almost out of anti-venom.

Animal Warriors of the Week: Australians

Maybe this is why today’s Aussies are barely perturbed by a mere crocodile. Or why they never expected death from a stingray.

Longtime readers of SeriouslyGuys know that we’ve been at War on Animals since the founding days of this publication. Why? Because humans have always been at war with animals. And, it turns out that we’ve been winning it for the past 45,000 years in the least likely of places: Australia.

Despite being home of the deadliest animals on Earth — giant spiders, poisonous snakes, kangaroos, koalas with switchblades — things were even worse at one point in Australia. Like, “kangaroos weighing more than 1,000 pounds, 25-foot long lizards, 2,000-pound wombats, and many more huge creatures” worse. That is, until a group of new human arrivals to Oz said, “Crikey,” rolled up their sleeves and got to work eating anything larger than a can of Fosters.

And, to be sure, scientists ruled out “major changes in climate, vegetation or biomass burning.” What they couldn’t rule out? Evidence of eating cooked giant birds’ eggs in the remains of ancient cook fires — proving that you truly can’t make a civilization without cracking a few eggs.

So, good on ya, mates! Thank you for inventing both human dominance over god’s creatures great and small and the barbie!

Check your Christmas tree for snakes

Here in the U.S., and in countries around the world that try to be America, it’s Christmastime–a sacred holiday filled with celebrating Jesus’ birth by asking people to buy you things. So as we celebrate by binge drinking with friends and family in tacky sweaters, let’s not forget to remain on our guards.

A woman in Melbourne, Australia found a deadly tiger snake slithering in her Christmas tree yesterday. No doubt the snake was there to give the gift of its venom to all the good boys and girls. The woman reportedly called an animal handler, then made herself a cup of tea and watched the thing act like scaly garland in her tree.

The snake was caught, and luckily no humans were harmed. We have no word on whether the snake will live to see Christmas.

Aussie brewers recreate shipwreck beer in time for weekend

What’s better than booze? Shipwreck booze. But that’s really hard to come by for your average Joe. The next best thing is modern booze made to replicate shipwreck booze.

In 1797, the Sydney Cove, a British trading ship, was run aground on an island near Tasmania during a storm. The wreck survived the centuries, and so did its cargo, which included some beer. Now, Australian brewers have made a beer from yeast found in bottles that were on the Sydney Cove.

So if you happen to be in Australia, you can do what the crew likely did during that storm, and slam some brews like there’s no tomorrow.

Big Tasmanian Devil Milk achieves medical spin

It wasn't essential to the research, but just for sh*ts and grins, one researcher married each Tasmanian devil before yanking those sweet, sweet peptides out of their tits.
It wasn’t essential to the research, but just for sh*ts and grins, one researcher married each Tasmanian devil before yanking those sweet, sweet peptides out of their tits.

We knew scientists were getting desperate for new sources of antibiotics now that all of the old ones are becoming less effective. (Serves us right for resting on Salk’s laurels.) But, we didn’t realize how desperate they’re getting until we learned that they’re milking Tasmanian devils.

It shouldn’t be too surprising, though, that it’s Australian researchers going full tit at Tasmanian devils. On the scale of scary Down-under animals, taking a devil down by the nipple seems relatively tame.

So why bother at all? According to those researchers, who — again — reached into the pouch of at least one Tasmanian devil to milk it, their milk contains six important peptides that appear to be able to kill hard-to-treat infections, including MRSA.

Of course, far tamer wallabies and opossums have 12 and eight peptides respectively in their milk, but where’s the fun in that? If the Aussies have their way, we bet the best way to milk Tasmanian devils is with your teeth, too.

Science: Sharks like AC/DC

Have you ever wondered what kind of music sharks like? If so, you’re probably not very much fun at the beach, but you’re not alone.

According to a new book, the behavior of sharks can be seen to change when AC/DC is played for them. An Australian charter boat captain said he noticed that when he played certain selections from his music collection, AC/DC in particular, the sharks beneath his ship would calm down. A neuroscientist says this is likely because the sharks are attracted to the low pulsing sounds found in the band’s music. But he also said AC/DC was heavy metal, so take it with a grain of salt.

It was also discovered that sharks really want Brian Johnson to lead the band again.