Category: That Wacky Australia

| Filed under That Wacky Australia

Australian police track mobile picnickers

Australian police are looking out for some dangerous motorists. You probably guessed they let a kangaroo drive, and you’re somehow not thinking weird enough.

Police in Western Australia are looking for a group of men who went cruising around a beach town on two motorized picnic tables. They didn’t hit anyone, they weren’t drinking (although it would make sense if they had been). The “vehicles” aren’t approved for road use, and authorities say the lack of safety clothing means they were a danger to themselves as well as the public.

The smart money is that they left their getaway vehicles in a park.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, That Wacky Australia, War on Animals

Our climate is wallaby darned

Thanks a lot for promoting pseudoscience and your pro-kangaroo agenda, Hollyweird.
Thanks a lot for promoting pseudoscience and your pro-kangaroo agenda, Hollyweird.

The next time that friend who always makes your eyes roll goes on and on about how kangaroo farts are somehow good for us, tell ’em to choke on it.

Yeah, contrary to what well-meaning kangaroo-huffers have been telling us, kangaroo farts are no safer than cow farts. Given the same amount of food, those giant, hopping rats produce the same amount of methane, so we might as well all go back to sucking farts out of cows for our highs.

Next up from science: girls do fart, and it’s worse because periods.

| Filed under Booze News, That Wacky Australia

‘Sick day,’ Australian for ‘hangover’

There’s a disease spreading throughout Australia, and it’s costing the economy billions in lost work hours. The scourge is known as the bottle flu.

According to a recent study, Australian workers miss 11.5 million days of work each year because of hangovers. It’s costing the country US$2.2 billion every year in lost work time. That’s a big increase from about $885.6 million in 2001. This means that Australia is drinking more, but they apparently aren’t able to keep it together.

Fun side note: The study said drinking four drinks or fewer in a sitting is a “low risk level.”

| Filed under Booze News, That Wacky Australia

In some parts of the world, booze is hard to come by

You’re lucky to be a drunk in the U.S. That is, of course, if you’re reading this in the U.S., and a drunk. People who like to bend an elbow don’t have it so lucky in other parts of the world.

In remote parts of Australia, people are using Vegemite to make booze. The spread contains yeast, so desperate Aussies who want a buzz use it to make the Australian equivalent of bathtub gin. This had led to calls to limit Vegemite purchases, which in turn led to a panic to keep Vegemite legal. This is a serious issue.

But not as serious as the situation in Venezuela, where they are slowing beer production because of a shortage of the grains and hops necessary to brew. Understandably, the nation is freaking out.

So enjoy that next sip, you patriotic lush.

| Filed under That Wacky Australia

Australia’s sewers are flush with ‘fatbergs’

First, London sewers were plagued by them during the holidays. Now, the threat of fatbergs has down down under.

Authorities in Queensland, Australia are warning people not to flush those disposable wipes that have grown in popularity in recent years. They are teaming up with all the fat and semi-solids one would expect to find in a sewer to create blockages called fatbergs, and they threaten to bring sewers to their knees.

“That’s probably a four-meter screen almost completely covered in wet wipes. [There’s also] a little bit of corn; we always get corn,” said Queensland Urban Utilities worker Steve Gibson.

Of course there’s always corn.

| Filed under That Wacky Australia

‘Divorce’: Australian for ‘sanctity of marriage’

Sometimes, the only way to fight a perceived injustice is to make your kids' future legal lives a nightmare through arbitrary, politically-motivated divorce.
Sometimes, the only way to fight a perceived injustice is to make your kids’ future legal lives a nightmare through arbitrary, politically motivated divorce.

It finally happened: gay marriage has finally destroyed a straight marriage. More specifically, by making one straight couple act irrationally in the name of making a spectacle of themselves.

Nick and Sarah Jensen of Australia have vowed to file for divorce if their government legalizes gay marriage. The Australian Parliament is about to vote on a legalization bill, but Prime Minister Tony Abbott is not in favor of it.

The couple says that, should the measure pass, will “refuse to recognize the government’s regulation of marriage if its definition includes the solemnization of same sex couples.” Basically, if gays can marry, they don’t want any part of it anymore.

Of course, should the gays force the Jensens to legally divorce, they will continue to live together (in sin) and refer to each other as husband and wife. It won’t be that gay marriage with loud music, wine, dancing and sex, though. Just very unsatisfying, somehow political straight marriage.

Sounds like love to us.

| Filed under That Wacky Australia, War on Animals

More scary fish news

There are things fish shouldn’t be able to do, such as reproduce asexually. And now we have several more to add to that list.

Australia outer islands are under attack from a fish that can walk. Not only that, it can climb trees, and even survive without water for up to six days. We made need to stop calling this a fish, come to think of it.

In any case, scientists think the climbing perch, an invasive freshwater fish, can now handle saltwater, and it’s poised to make landfall in the Land Down Under. The perch is known to be aggressive, and could threaten local fish and birds. You can bet that if it does that, humans are next.

| Filed under That Wacky Australia, War on Animals

No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

"Angel hair": Australian for "g'yeeeeew!"
“Angel hair”: Australian for “g’yeeeeew!”

Look, Australia, we get it. You’re used to f*cked up animal events. If the War on Animals were a Vietnam War movie, you’d be the platoon wearing necklaces made from wallaby ears.

But calling the miles of silk left behind after millions of spiders travel as a single invasion cloud “angel hair?” That’s a level of comfort with our animal foe that we just cannot get behind.

Also, where are all those flamethrowers from the Mad Max movies? Now that’s how you handle a cloud of airborne spiders.

| Filed under Scurry (Politics), Sex Sells, That Wacky Australia

Australia’s Sex Party gets cockblocked

Stay strong, Australian Sex Party. If not for us, stay strong for Australian Chris Pratt.
Stay strong, Australian Sex Party. If not for us, stay strong for Australian Chris Pratt.

Like the bitter reality of orgies, it’s not looking good for Australia’s Sex Party. The only thing we know about Australian politics took a blow Thursday when they lost their registration in the Australian Election Commission. This means that, although they can still field candidates, there will be no more Sexy names on ballots or Sexy federal funding.

The problem is that, to maintain their registration, they need to either have an elected representative in the federal government or prove that they have at least 500 members. But, because most of their members don’t have home phone numbers and move around a lot, they’re having trouble keeping their confirmed numbers up.

Well, Australia, you’re not the only ones who lose if you no longer have a Sex Party. The Guys need to know that there are still sexy times in the world. So, we’re calling on all members of the Australian Sex Party to make yourselves known as publicly as possible. Get out there and show how many of you there truly are in your terrifying country.

That’s right: we’re calling for Handjobs Across Australia.

| Filed under That Wacky Australia

More than you bargained for on Street View

If you’ve ever seen one of those Google Maps cars, you know how tempting they can be. A woman in Australia gave into the temptation, and is getting charged for it.

According to authorities, when a woman saw a the car that takes street view pictures, she ran after it and flashed the car. She ended up on Google Maps. But don’t go looking for it, she’s 38. She’s now facing public indecency charges.