You’re lucky to be a drunk in the U.S. That is, of course, if you’re reading this in the U.S., and a drunk. People who like to bend an elbow don’t have it so lucky in other parts of the world.
In remote parts of Australia, people are using Vegemite to make booze. The spread contains yeast, so desperate Aussies who want a buzz use it to make the Australian equivalent of bathtub gin. This had led to calls to limit Vegemite purchases, which in turn led to a panic to keep Vegemite legal. This is a serious issue.
But not as serious as the situation in Venezuela, where they are slowing beer production because of a shortage of the grains and hops necessary to brew. Understandably, the nation is freaking out.
Authorities in Queensland, Australia are warning people not to flush those disposable wipes that have grown in popularity in recent years. They are teaming up with all the fat and semi-solids one would expect to find in a sewer to create blockages called fatbergs, and they threaten to bring sewers to their knees.
“That’s probably a four-meter screen almost completely covered in wet wipes. [There’s also] a little bit of corn; we always get corn,” said Queensland Urban Utilities worker Steve Gibson.
The couple says that, should the measure pass, will “refuse to recognize the government’s regulation of marriage if its definition includes the solemnization of same sex couples.” Basically, if gays can marry, they don’t want any part of it anymore.
Of course, should the gays force the Jensens to legally divorce, they will continue to live together (in sin) and refer to each other as husband and wife. It won’t be that gay marriage with loud music, wine, dancing and sex, though. Just very unsatisfying, somehow political straight marriage.
There are things fish shouldn’t be able to do, such as reproduce asexually. And now we have several more to add to that list.
Australia outer islands are under attack from a fish that can walk. Not only that, it can climb trees, and even survive without water for up to six days. We made need to stop calling this a fish, come to think of it.
In any case, scientists think the climbing perch, an invasive freshwater fish, can now handle saltwater, and it’s poised to make landfall in the Land Down Under. The perch is known to be aggressive, and could threaten local fish and birds. You can bet that if it does that, humans are next.
Like the bitter reality of orgies, it’s not looking good for Australia’s Sex Party. The only thing we know about Australian politics took a blow Thursday when they lost their registration in the Australian Election Commission. This means that, although they can still field candidates, there will be no more Sexy names on ballots or Sexy federal funding.
The problem is that, to maintain their registration, they need to either have an elected representative in the federal government or prove that they have at least 500 members. But, because most of their members don’t have home phone numbers and move around a lot, they’re having trouble keeping their confirmed numbers up.
Well, Australia, you’re not the only ones who lose if you no longer have a Sex Party. The Guys need to know that there are still sexy times in the world. So, we’re calling on all members of the Australian Sex Party to make yourselves known as publicly as possible. Get out there and show how many of you there truly are in your terrifying country.
That’s right: we’re calling for Handjobs Across Australia.
If you’ve ever seen one of those Google Maps cars, you know how tempting they can be. A woman in Australia gave into the temptation, and is getting charged for it.
According to authorities, when a woman saw a the car that takes street view pictures, she ran after it and flashed the car. She ended up on Google Maps. But don’t go looking for it, she’s 38. She’s now facing public indecency charges.
Snakes are bad, but the Australians are showing us how to neutralize threats and enjoy a buzz at the same time.
It seems that Australian snakes have a powerful thirst, so the locals leave empty beer cans out. The snakes get their heads stuck in the cans, and just like that, you don’t need to worry about the snake biting you or your family.
To set up these snake traps here in the U.S. simply:
A bakery in Melbourne, Australia is kicking things off by offering a genderless, vegan gingerbread person cookie. And it’s not even Halloween. Is this really necessary? It’s not like gingerbread men are waving around their gingerbread penises (unless you’re at a bachelorette party around the holidays), so why can’t we just let these men have their dignity? At least make them non-vegan, it’s inhumane not to.
And doesn’t Australia celebrate Christmas in the June or something?