Category: That Wacky Australia

| Filed under That Wacky Australia

Australia’s sewers are flush with ‘fatbergs’

First, London sewers were plagued by them during the holidays. Now, the threat of fatbergs has down down under.

Authorities in Queensland, Australia are warning people not to flush those disposable wipes that have grown in popularity in recent years. They are teaming up with all the fat and semi-solids one would expect to find in a sewer to create blockages called fatbergs, and they threaten to bring sewers to their knees.

“That’s probably a four-meter screen almost completely covered in wet wipes. [There’s also] a little bit of corn; we always get corn,” said Queensland Urban Utilities worker Steve Gibson.

Of course there’s always corn.

| Filed under That Wacky Australia

‘Divorce': Australian for ‘sanctity of marriage’

Sometimes, the only way to fight a perceived injustice is to make your kids' future legal lives a nightmare through arbitrary, politically-motivated divorce.
Sometimes, the only way to fight a perceived injustice is to make your kids’ future legal lives a nightmare through arbitrary, politically motivated divorce.

It finally happened: gay marriage has finally destroyed a straight marriage. More specifically, by making one straight couple act irrationally in the name of making a spectacle of themselves.

Nick and Sarah Jensen of Australia have vowed to file for divorce if their government legalizes gay marriage. The Australian Parliament is about to vote on a legalization bill, but Prime Minister Tony Abbott is not in favor of it.

The couple says that, should the measure pass, will “refuse to recognize the government’s regulation of marriage if its definition includes the solemnization of same sex couples.” Basically, if gays can marry, they don’t want any part of it anymore.

Of course, should the gays force the Jensens to legally divorce, they will continue to live together (in sin) and refer to each other as husband and wife. It won’t be that gay marriage with loud music, wine, dancing and sex, though. Just very unsatisfying, somehow political straight marriage.

Sounds like love to us.

| Filed under That Wacky Australia, War on Animals

More scary fish news

There are things fish shouldn’t be able to do, such as reproduce asexually. And now we have several more to add to that list.

Australia outer islands are under attack from a fish that can walk. Not only that, it can climb trees, and even survive without water for up to six days. We made need to stop calling this a fish, come to think of it.

In any case, scientists think the climbing perch, an invasive freshwater fish, can now handle saltwater, and it’s poised to make landfall in the Land Down Under. The perch is known to be aggressive, and could threaten local fish and birds. You can bet that if it does that, humans are next.

| Filed under That Wacky Australia, War on Animals

No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

"Angel hair": Australian for "g'yeeeeew!"
“Angel hair”: Australian for “g’yeeeeew!”

Look, Australia, we get it. You’re used to f*cked up animal events. If the War on Animals were a Vietnam War movie, you’d be the platoon wearing necklaces made from wallaby ears.

But calling the miles of silk left behind after millions of spiders travel as a single invasion cloud “angel hair?” That’s a level of comfort with our animal foe that we just cannot get behind.

Also, where are all those flamethrowers from the Mad Max movies? Now that’s how you handle a cloud of airborne spiders.

| Filed under Scurry (Politics), Sex Sells, That Wacky Australia

Australia’s Sex Party gets cockblocked

Stay strong, Australian Sex Party. If not for us, stay strong for Australian Chris Pratt.
Stay strong, Australian Sex Party. If not for us, stay strong for Australian Chris Pratt.

Like the bitter reality of orgies, it’s not looking good for Australia’s Sex Party. The only thing we know about Australian politics took a blow Thursday when they lost their registration in the Australian Election Commission. This means that, although they can still field candidates, there will be no more Sexy names on ballots or Sexy federal funding.

The problem is that, to maintain their registration, they need to either have an elected representative in the federal government or prove that they have at least 500 members. But, because most of their members don’t have home phone numbers and move around a lot, they’re having trouble keeping their confirmed numbers up.

Well, Australia, you’re not the only ones who lose if you no longer have a Sex Party. The Guys need to know that there are still sexy times in the world. So, we’re calling on all members of the Australian Sex Party to make yourselves known as publicly as possible. Get out there and show how many of you there truly are in your terrifying country.

That’s right: we’re calling for Handjobs Across Australia.

| Filed under That Wacky Australia

More than you bargained for on Street View

If you’ve ever seen one of those Google Maps cars, you know how tempting they can be. A woman in Australia gave into the temptation, and is getting charged for it.

According to authorities, when a woman saw a the car that takes street view pictures, she ran after it and flashed the car. She ended up on Google Maps. But don’t go looking for it, she’s 38. She’s now facing public indecency charges.

| Filed under That Wacky Australia, War on Animals

Beer: the snake’s weakness

Snakes are bad, but the Australians are showing us how to neutralize threats and enjoy a buzz at the same time.

It seems that Australian snakes have a powerful thirst, so the locals leave empty beer cans out. The snakes get their heads stuck in the cans, and just like that, you don’t need to worry about the snake biting you or your family.

To set up these snake traps here in the U.S. simply:

  1. Empty a beer can.
  2. Throw it in your yard.
  3. Wait.
| Filed under That Wacky Australia

Meet the androgenous gingerbread person cookie

The War on Christmas starts earlier every year.

A bakery in Melbourne, Australia is kicking things off by offering a genderless, vegan gingerbread person cookie. And it’s not even Halloween. Is this really necessary? It’s not like gingerbread men are waving around their gingerbread penises (unless you’re at a bachelorette party around the holidays), so why can’t we just let these men have their dignity? At least make them non-vegan, it’s inhumane not to.

And doesn’t Australia celebrate Christmas in the June or something?

| Filed under Booze News, That Wacky Australia, War on Animals

Get your own beer, boar!

Folks, we all know that animals are a threat to our safety, but it turns out that more importantly, they’re a threat to our booze.

In Australia, a wild boar got into some brews at a campground. By “some” we mean 18 beers. The beast then drunkenly went on a rampage, even fighting a cow, because apparently they have those at Australian campgrounds.

Of course, we know that cows and beer don’t mix, either.

| Filed under That Wacky Australia

Adaptability is what keeps us strong

Anyone that’s watched a Jackie Chan movie knows that if you’re in a fight, you have to use whatever’s on hand to defend yourself. Always be on your toes. Are you in a janitor’s closet? Time to use a broom. Break it in two and you’ve got Escrima sticks. Are you in a kitchen? Knives, pans, even the basket in the fryer is a weapon. If you’re at a horse farm, expect to be hit with a whip and branding iron.

If you’re at an adult store, you’ll probably be hit by a whip also. Though it’ll be shorter. And you’ll also be hit in the face with a dildo of varying sizes, which is something you may alrea- – never mind.

Suffice to say, there’s more than one way to go down in the history books.