A bakery in Melbourne, Australia is kicking things off by offering a genderless, vegan gingerbread person cookie. And it’s not even Halloween. Is this really necessary? It’s not like gingerbread men are waving around their gingerbread penises (unless you’re at a bachelorette party around the holidays), so why can’t we just let these men have their dignity? At least make them non-vegan, it’s inhumane not to.
And doesn’t Australia celebrate Christmas in the June or something?
Folks, we all know that animals are a threat to our safety, but it turns out that more importantly, they’re a threat to our booze.
In Australia, a wild boar got into some brews at a campground. By “some” we mean 18 beers. The beast then drunkenly went on a rampage, even fighting a cow, because apparently they have those at Australian campgrounds.
Anyone that’s watched a Jackie Chan movie knows that if you’re in a fight, you have to use whatever’s on hand to defend yourself. Always be on your toes. Are you in a janitor’s closet? Time to use a broom. Break it in two and you’ve got Escrima sticks. Are you in a kitchen? Knives, pans, even the basket in the fryer is a weapon. If you’re at a horse farm, expect to be hit with a whip and branding iron.
The law is biased against people that consume the spirits.
Perhaps you may already be aware of this revelation, but nonetheless, it’s not a fair revelation. Ingenuity and the inventive spirit are part of the cornerstone of our society, and yet, Johnny Law don’t give a fudge.
And this isn’t just in the U and the S of the A! Over in Australia, a young man managed to motorize a beer cooler … but not in the fashion of it just moving up and down. No, the beer cooler could actually carry a person and transport them from point A to point B. How genius is that? It’s apparently the worst thing in the world.
Police said the vehicle was potentially dangerous and that the cooler contained alcohol.
There are a lot of hazards to exploring caves: cave-ins, bats, those creepy blind lizards, James Franco’s arm, canary-killing gases and now splooge.
A group of Australian paleontologists found more than they bargained for — which is a tall order in Australia, where everything is bigger/weirder/deadlier — in a fossil cave they found back in 1988. 26 years later, and they found the world’s oldest sperm sample. And it is huge … proportionally, anyway.
Deposited by an ostracod, an ancient type of shrimp that measured only 1 millimeter long, the sperm is, uncoiled, 10 times its size.
Science hasn’t discovered that ridiculous amount of sperm in one creature since Rod Stewart, Richard Gere and Little Kim. (Several generations of eighth graders claim the discovery of each.)
It’s been a fantastic run by Japan, but it looks like one of the last few fronts in the War on Whales is shutting down. The International Court of Justice in The Hague ordered Japan to end its research on the enemy, all based on the flimsy argument that there’s no evidence that killing whales is research.
Did Japan only start killing whales for research after the 1986 moratorium? No. They killed 2, 100 in the 34 years before commercial whaling was banned in 1986. (Thanks, Star Trek IV.) So, it stands to reason that the 14,000 they’ve killed in the 24 years since is because they’re so much better at research now and not because research is the only excuse to do it.
So, thanks a lot, the U.N. And thank you, too, Australia, who took Japan to court over this in the first place. We could have learned so much about dead whales, but now we’ll get their songs stuck in our heads while studying live ones.
It pains The Guys to say that we missed out on the drinking event of the year: the joint Wounded Warriors expedition to the South Pole. Teams of wounded vets from the U.K., Australia, Canada and the U.S., as well as British Prince Harry and actor Dominic West, marched over 200 miles to the very bottom of the Earth. And once there:
[Two] Australians stripped naked and ran around it, while Harry and the others went on a ‘two-day bender,’ sipping Champagne from bottles wedged in one of the prosthetic limbs of Duncan Slater, an RAF sergeant injured in Afghanistan in 2009[.]
Throughout the 70’s and 80’s, in the United States, many a “very special episode” and even campaigns were made about the silent killer known as discarded refrigerators in junkyards (later, this blame would be shifted to carbon monoxide, the ebola-ridden food at Jack in the Box and Tide pods). Australia, in its attempt to one-up the danger quotient of the world, has its new threat: non-discarded and still in use top-loading washing machines.
A Melbourne man decided to prank his partner, and using ingenuity and presumably having never seen surprise videos on Youtube, felt that removing his clothes and hiding in a top-loading washing machine would be the most elaborate prank to ever rock his partner’s world. Unfortunately, the man became stuck inside the washer, possibly because washing machines are not designed for people to be inside them.
This seems to have turned into a national nightmare, as firefighters, paramedics and a search and rescue squad were called into rescue the man. After 20 long, harrowing, stress-inducing minutes, the man was extricated from the deathtrap through the use of olive oil. Looks like someone may have watched “Last Tango in Paris.”
Non discarded and still in use top-loading washing machines: the silent and shaking killer.
We at SG don’t trust Australia. Everything about the country has involved to be the worst. Their animals are the worst. Their hooligans are the worst. Their plants are the worst. Mind you, this really shouldn’t be too expected from a country that was founded first as a penal colony, but still!
And now the zombies are upon us. A man was seen Monday evening running down a freeway, cavorting as happily as he could be giving people hugs. With his head. And by people, I mean their cars. Worse so, witnesses likened his actions to the beginning “zombie” rush of World War Z (the lackluster film, not the spectacular book).
Police were investigating whether there were traces of alcohol or drugs in the man’s body, but let’s be honest, there was probably only one poison in his body: solanum.