Smells like … bacon

The animals are in a full blown crisis state and are lashing out in desperation. Bruce, an Australian pig, held his owner captive for 10 days inside her room while the pig went crazy with rampant demands to be fed. Look, there is a reason we make bacon, pork chops, pigs feet and scrapple out of these snot-nosed hooligans: to keep our cities safe. Sure, some companies and books may try and glamorize the pig, but make no mistake, they are dangerous and not to be taken lightly.

Wenches be freeballin’ with a highball

Yarr!

In what be yet more other possible health code violation news: a St. Kilda, Australia, pub be coming under (chain shot) fire fer its “No Undie Sundie” promotion. Apparently, encouragin’ lasses to take off their undergarments in exchange for a $50 drink card just wasn’t the smartest idea. Who would’ve guessed? Certainly not Joe Francis. Personally, the capitalist landlubber with book learnin’ in business thinks that it’s brilliant, of course, but hey, that just be me.

UPDATE: Justice is served

This will surely brighten up your morning: the humpback whale calf in Australia has been killed, after a swift trial near Sydney.

We told you Wednesday that it was facing such a penalty and we are please to announce that the legal system works indeed. It was reported shortly after our Wednesday story that the calf, which Australians named Colin, as a mockery, attempted to escape during the night. The whale could not out swim the long arm of the law, and was recaptured and executed like the criminal it was.

The last meal was said to be plankton.

In other news, the Olympics are one of the most sacred traditions of professional sports. It is a time when countries put aside their squabbles (except for Russia) and compete on a level playing field, the field of sport. Leave it to the animals to try to ruin an event of such goodwill for us.

It was announced yesterday that four horses were suspended from the Olympics for doping. The animals, likely involved in the equestrian events, hail from Norway, Ireland, Brazil and Germany. Clearly this is a sign of a more organized effort on their part to sully the Olympics once and for all.

As punishment, all four horses were euthanized on the track Eight Belles style.

Suckle on a harpoon, baby whale!

Australia takes yachting very seriously. Since they are an island nation, they are all about boating whenever they get the chance. This means there are strict laws when it comes to boating, including trying to suckle a yacht.

This is somewhat of a rare crime, it has not happened since the swinging 60s, but now a suspected humpback whale calf is facing the death sentence for alleged multiple offenses

You are probably expecting this blog to go on a tirade about how that whale and all other whales deserve to die, well you’re wrong. We believe that the death penalty is immoral. Besides, it costs taxpayers more money in appeals than a life sentence does. you’re damn right we believe that whale deserves to die, and we hope it burns in hell.

Send us your ugs, mate

Loneliness, like joy, is an international feeling. It can even reach the land of the Australian outback. The poor men in a remote mining town are finding themselves downright sad about their singularity. It is hard for men, particularly in such a Freudian line of work, to go for long stretches of time without the presence of women.

Luckily, the citizens of Sausage Fest Mount Isa can trust in their elected officials to help them out in a compassionate, professional and respectful manner. The local government understands its people and is ready to start a sensitive, mature campaign to encourage people to move there.

“May I suggest if there are five blokes to every girl, we should find out where there are beauty-disadvantaged women and ask them to proceed to Mount Isa,” said Mayor John Molony.

We know. This sounds like a win-win situation. The miners can take of their beflashlighted hats and spend time with women, even if they have to share with five other “blokes” in what will most likely result in a violation of Aussie sex laws. Also, ugly chicks will no longer have to wait until last call to find a ride home. Instead, they can capitalize on the lowered standards of the masses. Their date cards could end up being rather full, all for the low cost of moving to the middle of nowhere.

We don’t serve minors–or the enemy

The War on Animals means our foes can attack us at any time, no matter how safe we feel. That goes for the warm and snuggly-safe feeling of your local bar.

Patrons of a bar in Australia found that one out recently when a juvenile saltwater crocodile walked into the bar. While it is uncertain if the croc wanted a pint or to wreak havoc, this blog is going to go with the latter. Odds are the animal population is getting desperate for attackers and is now using child soldiers to do their work for them.

Luckily, the croc was wrangled up and made to pose for pictures with drunk guys and their “mates.” Think something along the lines of Abu Graib for animals.

Justice, finally, for the disabled

Police in Queensland, Australia charged a 64-year-old disabled man for “drink driving” (isn’t the Queen’s English the cutest?) … his wheelchair.

He was found asleep in the middle of the highway with a BAC of .301, which is over six times the legal limit. Traffic was forced to swerve around him.

At news of this poor man’s capture, all this blog can say is finally. Handicapped people get everything, from premium parking to their own Olympics, and we are sick and tired of it.

Sure, it’s sad they can’t walk, but we can’t palm a basketball. Where’s our multi-million-dollar Special NBA contracts? We also can’t roll our tongues when speaking Español, but our speech impediment didn’t get us into any special schools. But we’re digressing.

Point is, it’s about time someone levelled the playing field for those of us who don’t get to sit down all day.

IM IN YOUR TOILET, KILLING ALL YOUR POOPS

Jaws was a landmark movie because it established a new precedent — just when you think you’re safe, you’re not. Beaches ran empty for weeks on end, simply because of a movie. A movie where even the director said the shark looked too fake to be believable. Welcome to the power of paranoia.

Australians, prepare to cower in fear as you’re now in a similar situation. A six foot long blackheaded python was found in a man’s toilet.

It’s safe to say two things:

  1. It’s pretty obvious exactly why the python was blackheaded.
  2. While we may not be able to communicate with animals (yet), I don’t think it’s unwise to say that just like aglets (those plastic things on the ends of shoelaces), its purpose was sinister.

Think about it: in this time of people being on the move, nowhere are we more open to disaster than when we sit on the can. Who knows what horrors could be wrought upon us while we ponder our deepest thoughts? The animals know, and they won’t hesitate to unleash them. Don’t let this happen to you all. Do what I do and carry a more than ample supply of brown paper lunch bags with you wherever you go.

You now have permission to freak out.

The Bird Woman of Alcatraz, she ain’t

Ladies and gentlemen of the world, royal Nigerian princes of the internet, I’m going to let you in on a very big secret. Despite being the film reviewer of SeriouslyGuys and an overall big fan of cinema, there’s something you should know: movies lie. Oh yes, they lie a lot. I mean, does anyone believe that Denise Richards would actually be a nuclear physicist? No one thinks that 7-year-old would be able to elaborately set up a series of traps around his house in order to foil two burglars. And for that matter, how could all movies starring ninjas NOT cast Sho Kosugi as said role?

Another lie, as was demonstrated, is escaping from anywhere via an air-vent. NO. No one could make their way out of a building by airduct simply because air ducts are smaller than you. This was so nicely evidenced recently when a 22-year-old Austrailian woman attempted to flee from a jailhouse by that always present office staple. Having watched cartoons and movies all her life, it should have been a clean getaway with no one the wiser, right?

Wrong. Said lass proceeded to get stuck in the air conditioning duct-for an hour-and now has an extra charge added to her rap sheet. Smart move, Sheila. Next time, try something a little smarter, like the front door.