Category: That Wacky Australia

The scourge known as Sudoku

Let’s face it. The problem is everywhere you look. It’s on street corners, it’s on coffee tables, it’s even on the subways of our fair nation. It has the potential to ruin lives. The problem we are speaking of, of course, is Sudoku.

Recently, Sudoku hit the Australian judicial system when a trial for another vice, drugs, was aborted after it was found jurors were spending half of their time playing Sudoku. The scandal was uncovered the court discovered that some jurors were writing notes vertically during the trial.

Known for hooking people after just one try, Sudoku transfixes people with numbers and little boxes. Before you know it, you are doing the puzzles during dinner. From there, you are just a step away from sexual favors in a back alley for a pencil.

Don’t do Sudoku. Face your addiction, then conquer it.

Australian babies succomb to beer pressure

No! We can't let this happen!In more Wacky Australian Booze News, one-third of surveyed Australian women tip a few back while pregnant. Not only are they drinking while incubating future felons, but 93% of that third said that “they knew alcohol could affect an unborn child.”

In response, Australian scientists plan to use these results for a public health campaign about the dangers of drinking with a minor onboard.

This blog cannot agree more: while we support boozing in general, we cannot deny the effects of alcohol on babies. It makes them cooler, appear more mature, more confident with the ladies and possibly super strong. Australians are already all of that. By nurturing these traits at a prenatal stage, the rest of the world will never be able to keep up.

Should the health campaign fail, The Guys see no other alternative than a preemptive strike. That’s right: free cigarettes for pregnant Aussies. The secondhand smoke should float down to their pouches.

Expressions of love

There’s a lot of talk going around amongst the womenfolk about how there are no good men out there, or that men are in capable of a meaningful relationship. We submit this to you as evidence to the contrary.

An Australian man was getting into his car with his 5-year-old daughter in one arm and a case of beer in the other. Being a responsible parent, and protecting what he loves, he buckled in one of the passengers. The only problem is he buckled in his beer and not his daughter. Strangely enough, the police were not happy to find this, and fined him A$750.

In Chicago, for some strange reason, one man calls Pabst Blue Ribbon his favorite beer. In case you one day happen to attend his funeral, you will know it, too, because he has designed a coffin that looks like a can of the beer. And for those of you entering the cause of death pool, cirrhosis has been taken already.

Who needs a dryer?

There are some days when you wake up and think to yourself, “I wonder what the world record is for people ironing clothes underwater?” This blog knows, the thought has often kept The Guys up many a night.

Well rest easy tonight! The world record was recently smashed as not 70, not 71, but 72 divers dove off a pier in Melbourne. They each brought with them ironing boards and some rather wrinkly laundry. The divers are part of a movement called Extreme Ironing, which yours truly has been following for more than five years.

Essentially, extreme ironing takes the rush from extreme sports to a whole new level. It takes extreme sports, any of them, and adds in the thrill of pressing one’s clothes.

‘These guys were absolutely dumb as bricks’

In most cases, if you’re holding a machete, you’re the one making the rules. However, this principle only works when the brain is used on conjunction with the machete. One of the brain’s most valuable functions is the ability to reason. Sadly, it is also the brain’s most fleeting of all functions.

Example: Robbing a bar may not be a particularly great idea. Sure, you’re armed, but you don’t know who else is. Odds are more than a couple of the establishment’s occupants have had enough alcohol to throw reason out the window and come after you. (“He’s trying to steal the money we just used to pay for our drinks! GET HIM!!!”)

So maybe then robbing a meeting hall of some sort. They have cash registers, right? Two Australian men had just such logic. They paid no heed as they walked past rows of motorcycles in the parking lot. They began to rob one room, demanding the patrons get on the ground. In the next room a local biker “club” was having its monthly meeting.

You can guess how it went from there.

Tony Blair: Educator of the obese

As if it weren’t hard enough to understand English accents, problems continue with the dialog of 2006’s The Queen. As we reported over a year ago, an airline version of the movie had some excessing bleeping when the word “god” was censored, regardless of the context.

But this time, there was no singing of “Bleep Save the Queen,” instead subtitles to an outdoor screening of the movie in Australia were written by someone who appeared to have the English comprehension of an Asian electronics manual. The drama ended up being more of a comedy after the subtitles stole the show.

“When a character spoke about Mr Blair being ‘educated at Fettes’, it appeared on screen as ‘educated the fattest’. ‘Did you vote?’ flashed up as ‘Dead in a boat?’. The observation that ‘every newspaper proprietor has blood on his hands today’ became ‘every newspaper proprietor has blown in his hands today’.

Yuck.

No word yet on whether the DVD box set will include these two alternate versions SG has discussed. Stay tuned to MasterChugs Theater for updates.

Update to ‘But who will think about the children?’

Nearly half a year after their $84 million dollar porn filter was hacked by a 16 year old, the Australian government has finally admitted that the whole project was a failure. Hey, at least they owned up to it: it’s been almost five years, and we still can’t get movie studios to admit that Dumb and Dumberer was a bad thing.

The drink giveth, the drink taketh away

Remember those tornadoes that ripped through the South earlier this week, and how our own Rick Snee whined about nearly being killed by one? Turns out, if he really was scared for his life, all he had to do was start drinking the nearest bottle.

That’s exactly what one Tennessee man did. James Kruger was up late watching the Super Tuesday results on television when he saw a tornado warning for his county. Among his other preparations, he took a shot of whiskey. As soon as he took the shot, the tornado hit his house. He hit the ground and prayed for his life.

“Lying there, everything in the house flew over him, scraping and banging his back, Kruger said. Then the chaos stopped. ‘I was laying in the dirt. There was no floor. No nothing.'”

That’s right, there was no nothing left but Kruger and his buzz. Why was he saved? Most likely, because of the drink. Alcohol has been known to have strange powers over otherwise physical realities. It has the ability to play with the time-space continuum, prompting many philosophers to ask, “How the hell did I make it back here last night?” and “wasn’t she prettier when I was drunk?”

However, alcohol even has the power to inspire the evil genius inside us all. The drink inspired one man to threaten to blow up the city of Brisbane, Australia. The obviously inebriated man had a standoff with elite police units ranting about, amongst other things, that he had a device to trigger bombs all over the city.

That device? A television remote control.