Category: That Wacky Australia

Is it torture now?

Once again, the media is taking the War on Animals and turning it into sympathy for our enemy. The liberal bastion of cable news, better known as FOX News is no exception.

As they would tell the story, two dogs happened upon a drowning Australian boy and came to his rescue, dragging him to safety. But what more likely happened was the dogs were doing their own brand of waterboarding on the kid, trying to get some kind of valuable information out of him, but their plan was foiled when humans arrived to save him.

(Courtesy of Courtney P.)

The sausage has officially been hidden

A group of thieves broke into a warehouse over the weekend and “stole 16 tons of pork“. Let that sink into your brain.

Not money.

Not electronics.

Not human slaves.

Just 32,000 pounds of pig by-products. That’s it. Nothing else. Finding the cunning individuals behind this heist should be fairly easy-simply watch out for the people that suffer a massive heart attack within the next month.

Does whatever a spider says

Our animal foes are no strangers to the most dastardly of battle plans. They have been known to strike at civilians, even children, when least expecting. But now they have taken things one step further: mind control.

An Australian man was bitten by a spider, which did not give him superpowers, in fact, it gave him an illness. That illness, the man said, led him to rape a woman. The courts didn’t buy it, and the man was convicted. Keep this in mind, everyone: the spider bite defense no longer works. We need better legal president to deal with this new threat. Where is John Peter Zenger when you need him?

What? A story involving rape can’t be funny? References too obscure?

WoW, that’s a lot of wild pigs!

Attention, MMORPG gamers: this is your chance to do something worthwhile.

Westfall (a.k.a. Australia) needs your help!

The outback is plagued by an out of control feral pig population. We’d do it ourselves, but we’re in America and don’t speak Australian. (We barely passed it in high school.)

Perhaps you could do your part in the open hunting spree. The wild pigs are diseased, so don’t eat the remains or feed them to your pets. Hunters, we’re looking in your direction.

The Australian Outback is due southwest of Hawaii, between New Zealand, Antartica and Papua/New Guinea. If you don’t feel like swimming, you can catch the boat at Pearl Harbor.

Objectives:

Kill 200 diseased feral pigs.

Rewards:

1 gold 25 silver

Choose one:

[Spotted boar-hide cloak]
[Boar-mauler gauntlets]

Slow News Day Story of the Day

It’s a sad day, everyone. The Wiggles are now touring without one of their members, who left because of health reasons. Yes, Greg Page, better known as the yellow Wiggle, will wiggle no more.

Don’t worry if you’re not familiar with the media monster that is The Wiggles. They are mostly famous in Australia, and among children, for that matter. Page, on behalf of the Guys, we will miss you.

Vodka: cleaner laundry AND body

Vodka saved a poisoned Australian man’s life after he drank anti-freeze.

This is yet another miracle attributed to vodka, that colorless lifejuice from Russia. Other miracles include (but are apparently not limited to):

  • Removing cigarette stink from laundry.
  • Mixing well with any non-alcoholic beverage known to humanity.
  • Making work bearable.
  • Dean Martin’s career without Jerry Lewis.
  • Making vermouth–and now anti-freeze–consumable.

Is it possible for the Vatican to beatify a beverage? It beats the hell (heh) out of red wine/BoC.