NASA says feds still need fiscal solution after Dec. 21

When it comes to the Mayan-predicted apocalypse, all options — including financial ones — are on the table.

Despite what the Mayans say, Congress and the President cannot bank on the world ending on Dec. 21, 2012. This is a disappointment to both sides, who each planned on  delaying the approval of a compromise budget plan until the return of Bolon Yokte and the destruction of the world.

Because Republicans and Democrats defunded NASA, the nearly grounded space agency has more time to update their Web site. And according to their latest blog post (which is totally the same thing as being published):

Just as the calendar you have on your kitchen wall does not cease to exist after December 31, the Mayan calendar does not cease to exist on December 21, 2012. This date is the end of the Mayan long-count period but then — just as your calendar begins again on January 1 — another long-count period begins for the Mayan calendar.

So, get back to work on that grand compromise, feds. The Mayans aren’t letting you off easy, no matter what the Australian prime minister says.

Australian education victim of tomfoolery, still gives the right information

This year, Year 12 students taking the Australian VCE history exam were told that robots were an integral part of the Russian Revolution. The Russian Revolution of 1917.

It would appear that this incorrect, as the source of this integral information appears to have come not from the annals of history, but a Google Image Search.

Or is it? Oh sure, we say that it’s highly farfetched that powerful robots were around in the early part of the 20th century and able to turn the tide of the October Revolution, but think about it. If we’ve learned anything from the documentary series about Skynet, it’s that robots easily have the ability to be sent back in time. Not only that, but we also know, once again thanks to the aforementioned documentary series, that robots can be reprogrammed for our personal use, but can be destroyed. With those pieces of information, is it really outlandish to think that the painting is not a Photoshop, but an accurate retelling of history and war? I think not.

Who would’ve thought that a case of mistaken identity could be so profitable?

When I’ve done a Google search for my name, it usually comes up with the artwork of a 90’s era comic book artist or some internet guy (not me, though).

Somehow, that’s still marginally better than being confused with a major crime lord. Marginally, even in Australia.

Accidental stink bombing

In Australia, it’s fire season, and that means firefighters are working together to put out the blazes on the ground and in the air. It’s like California all summer long, except with strange accents.

Recently, about 50 firefighters and four different aircraft were battling a blaze when a helicopter drew from the wrong pond and ended up dumping raw sewage on the men below. About half of the firefighters had to be decontaminated afterwards, no word as to when their wives will go near them.

“Take. Eat. This is my bo-OW!”

We don’t like to read a lot into religion here at SG (we are, after all, Seventh Day Southern Orthodox Snake Unitarians), but that said, we think that the Sacrament of Holy Eucharist is fairly straight-forward. It’s a representative act, not something that should be taken literally.

Leave it to Australia to mess things up.

Two octogenarian priests in the land down under got into a bit of a scuffle (because OY!, that’s why) that resulted in the younger of the pair biting an ear off his elder. Now, we’re not going to jump to the conclusion that one of the priests is a zombie (at least, one initially, now it’s a pair) NO, WAIT, THAT’S TOTALLY WHAT WE’RE GOING TO DO.

Aussies are serious about recycling

When beer spills onto a street, it’s usually a tragedy, because it’s all just gone, wasted. But if anything is going to be wasted, Australians believe it should be them.

A small truck carrying two pallets’ worth of beer specially made for the 50th anniversary of something called the Bathurst motor race in New South Wales, Australia, lost past of its load. Cans of beer went all over the street. If there’s one thing Aussies hate it’s littering, so they scooped up all of the cans and kindly took them away less than 60 seconds after they hit the pavement.

We salute the civic-minded citizens of Australia.

Crocodiles on a plane

We’ve kept you abreast of the very real threat faced by our airlines today. We’ve covered attacks by mice, cats, bats, bees and even penguins, but luckily, all of these animals are small and the threat posed is minimal. In Australia, mankind’s luck just ran out.

Recently, on a flight Brisbane to Melbourne, a ruthless crocodile escaped from its cage mid-flight. Because Australia is a totalitarian state, the media reports are sparse to say the least, so we don’t know how the beast escaped or what part of the plane it wandered into. What we do know is that the croc was on the loose until after the plane landed and all of the passengers were removed from the plane.

The croc was detained for questioning.

The high cost of sex

Fornication is not free. When two people fornicate, the price will be high as there is always a cost. The better, the higher the price. The worse, the even higher the price. The freer, the highest of prices.

And, the louder, the higher. To the tune of roughly 4 grand in Australian funny money. Also, the male partner in the pairing will probably throw you under the bus at a moment’s notice.

“It is mostly Jessie,” [Colin MacKenzie] said.

“Hey baby, don’t be mad, it’s a … uh … compliment. Yeah, that’s it. A compliment!”

Do not distribute unlicensed scumbags

There are a lot of reasons to watch the Olympics: witnessing the pinnacel of human athletic achievement, the pagentry of the opening ceremony and the inexplicable judging by the French and Russians. But, there’s one reason that the IOC has tried to keep under wraps this entire time: sex-crazed top form athletes!

Ever since the Barcelona games in 1992, Olympics organizers have distributed free condoms throughout the Olympic village because, when that many sets of abs rub together, a lubricated piece of latex is the only thing preventing a brush fire. And, so far? It’s worked. Most of the athletes have been able to return every four years without flashing herpes sores at Bob Costas.

But, let the London Games organizers assure you: unlicensed prophylactic distribution will not be tolerated, especially of some freaky Australian brand that may or may not be made of kangaroo pouches.

This is the best headline you will ever see

I might be prone to hyperbole, and yes, this story is extremely hyperbolic.

BUT: I guarantee you, this is the single greatest story you will ever see. Just a warning though, as the results are pretty much exactly as you think they are.  And yet, it does not disappoint.