Suckle on a harpoon, baby whale!
Posted on August 20, 2008
Filed Under That Wacky Australia, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
Australia takes yachting very seriously. Since they are an island nation, they are all about boating whenever they get the chance. This means there are strict laws when it comes to boating, including trying to suckle a yacht.
This is somewhat of a rare crime, it has not happened since the swinging 60s, but now a suspected humpback whale calf is facing the death sentence for alleged multiple offenses
You are probably expecting this blog to go on a tirade about how that whale and all other whales deserve to die, well you’re wrong. We believe that the death penalty is immoral. Besides, it costs taxpayers more money in appeals than a life sentence does. you’re damn right we believe that whale deserves to die, and we hope it burns in hell.
Written by Bryan McBournieSend us your ugs, mate
Posted on August 18, 2008
Filed Under Sex Sells, That Wacky Australia | Leave a Comment |
Loneliness, like joy, is an international feeling. It can even reach the land of the Australian outback. The poor men in a remote mining town are finding themselves downright sad about their singularity. It is hard for men, particularly in such a Freudian line of work, to go for long stretches of time without the presence of women.
Luckily, the citizens of Sausage Fest Mount Isa can trust in their elected officials to help them out in a compassionate, professional and respectful manner. The local government understands its people and is ready to start a sensitive, mature campaign to encourage people to move there.
“May I suggest if there are five blokes to every girl, we should find out where there are beauty-disadvantaged women and ask them to proceed to Mount Isa,” said Mayor John Molony.
We know. This sounds like a win-win situation. The miners can take of their beflashlighted hats and spend time with women, even if they have to share with five other “blokes” in what will most likely result in a violation of Aussie sex laws. Also, ugly chicks will no longer have to wait until last call to find a ride home. Instead, they can capitalize on the lowered standards of the masses. Their date cards could end up being rather full, all for the low cost of moving to the middle of nowhere.
Written by Bryan McBournieWe don’t serve minors–or the enemy
Posted on June 26, 2008
Filed Under Booze News, That Wacky Australia, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
The War on Animals means our foes can attack us at any time, no matter how safe we feel. That goes for the warm and snuggly-safe feeling of your local bar.
Patrons of a bar in Australia found that one out recently when a juvenile saltwater crocodile walked into the bar. While it is uncertain if the croc wanted a pint or to wreak havoc, this blog is going to go with the latter. Odds are the animal population is getting desperate for attackers and is now using child soldiers to do their work for them.
Luckily, the croc was wrangled up and made to pose for pictures with drunk guys and their “mates.” Think something along the lines of Abu Graib for animals.
Written by Bryan McBournieJustice, finally, for the disabled
Posted on June 23, 2008
Filed Under Booze News, That Wacky Australia | Leave a Comment |
Police in Queensland, Australia charged a 64-year-old disabled man for “drink driving” (isn’t the Queen’s English the cutest?) … his wheelchair.
He was found asleep in the middle of the highway with a BAC of .301, which is over six times the legal limit. Traffic was forced to swerve around him.
At news of this poor man’s capture, all this blog can say is finally. Handicapped people get everything, from premium parking to their own Olympics, and we are sick and tired of it.
Sure, it’s sad they can’t walk, but we can’t palm a basketball. Where’s our multi-million-dollar Special NBA contracts? We also can’t roll our tongues when speaking Español, but our speech impediment didn’t get us into any special schools. But we’re digressing.
Point is, it’s about time someone levelled the playing field for those of us who don’t get to sit down all day.
Written by Rick SneeIM IN YOUR TOILET, KILLING ALL YOUR POOPS
Posted on June 20, 2008
Filed Under That Wacky Australia, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
Jaws was a landmark movie because it established a new precedent — just when you think you’re safe, you’re not. Beaches ran empty for weeks on end, simply because of a movie. A movie where even the director said the shark looked too fake to be believable. Welcome to the power of paranoia.
Australians, prepare to cower in fear as you’re now in a similar situation. A six foot long blackheaded python was found in a man’s toilet.
It’s safe to say two things:
- It’s pretty obvious exactly why the python was blackheaded.
- While we may not be able to communicate with animals (yet), I don’t think it’s unwise to say that just like aglets (those plastic things on the ends of shoelaces), its purpose was sinister.
Think about it: in this time of people being on the move, nowhere are we more open to disaster than when we sit on the can. Who knows what horrors could be wrought upon us while we ponder our deepest thoughts? The animals know, and they won’t hesitate to unleash them. Don’t let this happen to you all. Do what I do and carry a more than ample supply of brown paper lunch bags with you wherever you go.
You now have permission to freak out.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorAlcohol and sex have a connection?
Posted on June 16, 2008
Filed Under Booze News, That Wacky Australia | Leave a Comment |
An Australian booze distributor had to pull out of a marketing campaign that had free condoms distributed with the sale of alcopops. The move was made so that binge drinking by the young crowd doesn’t continue to balloon.
The Bird Woman of Alcatraz, she ain’t
Posted on June 13, 2008
Filed Under That Wacky Australia | Leave a Comment |
Ladies and gentlemen of the world, royal Nigerian princes of the internet, I’m going to let you in on a very big secret. Despite being the film reviewer of SeriouslyGuys and an overall big fan of cinema, there’s something you should know: movies lie. Oh yes, they lie a lot. I mean, does anyone believe that Denise Richards would actually be a nuclear physicist? No one thinks that 7-year-old would be able to elaborately set up a series of traps around his house in order to foil two burglars. And for that matter, how could all movies starring ninjas NOT cast Sho Kosugi as said role?
Another lie, as was demonstrated, is escaping from anywhere via an air-vent. NO. No one could make their way out of a building by airduct simply because air ducts are smaller than you. This was so nicely evidenced recently when a 22-year-old Austrailian woman attempted to flee from a jailhouse by that always present office staple. Having watched cartoons and movies all her life, it should have been a clean getaway with no one the wiser, right?
Wrong. Said lass proceeded to get stuck in the air conditioning duct-for an hour-and now has an extra charge added to her rap sheet. Smart move, Sheila. Next time, try something a little smarter, like the front door.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorThe scourge known as Sudoku
Posted on June 12, 2008
Filed Under That Wacky Australia | Leave a Comment |
Let’s face it. The problem is everywhere you look. It’s on street corners, it’s on coffee tables, it’s even on the subways of our fair nation. It has the potential to ruin lives. The problem we are speaking of, of course, is Sudoku.
Recently, Sudoku hit the Australian judicial system when a trial for another vice, drugs, was aborted after it was found jurors were spending half of their time playing Sudoku. The scandal was uncovered the court discovered that some jurors were writing notes vertically during the trial.
Known for hooking people after just one try, Sudoku transfixes people with numbers and little boxes. Before you know it, you are doing the puzzles during dinner. From there, you are just a step away from sexual favors in a back alley for a pencil.
Don’t do Sudoku. Face your addiction, then conquer it.
Written by Bryan McBournieAustralian babies succomb to beer pressure
Posted on May 13, 2008
Filed Under Booze News, That Wacky Australia | Leave a Comment |
In more Wacky Australian Booze News, one-third of surveyed Australian women tip a few back while pregnant. Not only are they drinking while incubating future felons, but 93% of that third said that “they knew alcohol could affect an unborn child.”
In response, Australian scientists plan to use these results for a public health campaign about the dangers of drinking with a minor onboard.
This blog cannot agree more: while we support boozing in general, we cannot deny the effects of alcohol on babies. It makes them cooler, appear more mature, more confident with the ladies and possibly super strong. Australians are already all of that. By nurturing these traits at a prenatal stage, the rest of the world will never be able to keep up.
Should the health campaign fail, The Guys see no other alternative than a preemptive strike. That’s right: free cigarettes for pregnant Aussies. The secondhand smoke should float down to their pouches.
Written by Rick SneeExpressions of love
Posted on May 13, 2008
Filed Under Booze News, That Wacky Australia | Leave a Comment |
There’s a lot of talk going around amongst the womenfolk about how there are no good men out there, or that men are in capable of a meaningful relationship. We submit this to you as evidence to the contrary.
An Australian man was getting into his car with his 5-year-old daughter in one arm and a case of beer in the other. Being a responsible parent, and protecting what he loves, he buckled in one of the passengers. The only problem is he buckled in his beer and not his daughter. Strangely enough, the police were not happy to find this, and fined him A$750.
In Chicago, for some strange reason, one man calls Pabst Blue Ribbon his favorite beer. In case you one day happen to attend his funeral, you will know it, too, because he has designed a coffin that looks like a can of the beer. And for those of you entering the cause of death pool, cirrhosis has been taken already.
Written by Bryan McBournie « go back — keep looking »