It is (and yet, it isn’t) the most metal gun ever

Borderlands and Borderlands 2 are a pair of games that have ridiculous guns with equally ridiculous names. It’s not unusual to come across a “bone-splitter” type pistol, a “bone-crusher” type shotgun or an “emulsifier” type bazooka. An artist in New Zealand has decided to make an equally ridiculous weapon: an assault rifle made of bones.

According to Mahalski, the creator of the piece, various bones of animals were used to construct the gun, including the skull of the now extinct moa bird. Bidding is now open for it (starting at 3500 dollars), but sadly, the gun is non-working and shoots nothing. Neither bullets nor the skulls of their deceased friends can be launched at our enemies.

Kiwis mull cat internment

Cat nuts have already begun stockpiling cats and have pledged not to let the government take them from their cold, slightly furry hands.
Cat nuts have already begun stockpiling cats and have pledged not to let the government take them from their cold, slightly furry hands.

New Zealanders have long been referred to as Kiwis, the flightless bird that they adopted as their national symbol. But, their infatuation with another animal menace, cats, now threatens their national identity.

Not only is New Zealand the most filmed country in the world by Peter Jackson (which makes it the most filmed in the world because every frame Peter Jackson directs is solid gold), it’s also the highest concentration of cat owners in the world. A full 28 percent of New Zealanders own one cat, while an additional 20 percent own two or more.

Unfortunately, that amount of cats are doing a real number on the native bird species, so much so that it’s got economist Gareth Morgan’s dander up. While Morgan isn’t suggesting that every New Zealander summarily execute his or her feline (yet), it is time to keep them permanently indoors.

It’s either that, or maybe next time New Zealand should pick a national symbol that can fly away from danger.

Johnnie Walker saves another life

In case you’re wondering, it’s a bad idea to drink methanol, a relative of ethanol or as we know it, alcohol. Why is it bad? Because it can make you go blind.

Fortunately, the cure for blindness is booze.

A 65-year-old New Zealand man’s medication turned his vodka into methanol in his stomach. After losing his sight, the man was rushed to the hospital. Since there wasn’t enough medical ethanol on hand, the doctors sent someone out to get some Johnnie Walker Black Label scotch and set up a tube to deposit the hootch directly into his stomach. The scotch competed with the methanol in his stomach, which prevented more of it from being digested.

The man’s sight was saved, but he had a hell of a hangover.

It’s hard to run from the cops while in costume

Many people don’t know this, but the Southern Hemisphere is a weird nether region full of contradictions to the reality we call home. For example, while we’re seeing fall weather, they’re enjoying the beginning of spring, even though the calendar clearly says October. It also means that schools are letting out, and the partying may commence.

In Christchurch, New Zealand, one costume party celebrating the end of classes saw 73 arrests. People dressed as maids, genies, doctors, nurses, mummies and more all got charged for having liquor in a liquor-free zone. Also, the party went for 24 hours.

Important societal note: In New Zealand, female terminators are called “sherminators.”

Banished into outer space

The ending of a marriage is never a good thing, because it means either lengthy divorce proceedings or a death. But when it’s over, you’re still left with the ring and what to do with it.

One woman decided that since she had completely moved on and had no emotional attachment or anything, that the best thing to do with her ring was to launch it into space. Clearly they don’t have FOX News in New Zealand, otherwise the woman would have known that gold is a solid investment that you can depend on when Obama is finished wrecking the economy.

We can re-bill him

Animals are a dangerous foe on their own (thanks, Mother Nature!), but like robots, they can only get deadlier the more we handle them. And if you’re going to New Zealand, beware the roboduck, creep.

A duck in Wellington, New Zealand, was found with a hole in the lower part of its beak. The Kiwis, being the insane people that they are, decided to give the duck a new friggin’ bill. Yes, in a world where you can’t get a nose job without paying a year’s rent, the doctors in the People’s Glorious Socialist Republic of New Zealand just up and gave one to a duck, who does not pay taxes.

What’s worse, now there is a duck out there with a metallic beak. It’s only a matter of time before it’s mechanized.

A hawk of a different color

It’s sad news every time a new species is discovered, except, of course, if you are for some reason a big fan of animals or something, which would make you a species traitor. So it’s good to see those who sympathize with the enemy have their hopes dashed.

In New Zealand, bird watchers got all in a tizzy about a new hawk species that was a reddish-pinkish color. Locals had seen the hawks for a few years, but no one seemed to know where where had come from or why they had such coloration. They were certain it was a new species, until it recently came out that the birds had been spray-painted by a farmer, who saw it as a prank.

The farmer ended up getting charged with animal cruelty.

The emperor has no transport

Illegal immigration is not really an issue for New Zealand. Here in the U.S., we give the illegal immigrants we catch a free ride back to their home country. No such luck for one penguin.

A juvenile emperor penguin swam all the way to New Zealand, washing up on the shore and basically just hanging out. Luckily, New Zealanders don’t recognize the emperor’s authority over them, and refuse to give him a ride back to Antarctica. This basically means he’s going to die sometime in the next few weeks.

Well done, New Zealand! The penguin death pool is now open.

Somewhere out there is a very happy horse

It seems like it’s been a while since we talked about New Zealand. The country has gone into hibernation, for the most part, because it’s winter there. But the people will want find cuisine, and the Green Man Pub is ready to give it to them.

That’s why they’re serving up horse-semen shots. Yes, the man juice, of a horse, in a shot glass, served legally, in a restaurant. And it’s proving quite popular with the ladies. However, if you want to do a shot of horse semen, you need to get down there before July 3, when the fancy-pants beer and food event ends.

Makes you wonder, who was the first person to come up with this delicacy?