Science has just found that humanity is long overdue for a victory lap in New Zealand.
Some time in the 13th century, the Polynesians colonized what today is New Zealand, which was ruled by nine different species of large, flightless birds called “moas.” Some of species stood up to six feet tall. It took humans only 200 years to wipe out all nine species, and that’s without guns.
So strike up the band, raise a glass to those brave warriors who won us a nontuple victory.
Here in the U.S. we know that our elected officials aren’t good people, but at least we know they’re people. New Zealanders can’t always say the same.
John Key, the prime minister of New Zealand, had to confirm this week that he is not, in fact, a shapeshifting reptile person. No, really. A man filed a formal request under the country’s Official Information Act, which we assume is like our Freedom of Information Act, only there, they actually answer things, instead of giving you documents covered in redaction pen.
Key went to a doctor and a vet to confirm that he isn’t a lizard, all because some guy asked nicely. Can you imagine Barack Obama going to a vet? He’d sooner go to the gyno. And George W. Bush? He won’t tell you about the fact that he had breast reduction surgery in college (he did), you’ll have to wait until he dies to go through his medical records. Decades!
All in all, Key’s non-reptileship is good news for his country and for himself. If he had actually been a reptile man, he would have had to fight William Shatner.
Borderlands and Borderlands 2 are a pair of games that have ridiculous guns with equally ridiculous names. It’s not unusual to come across a “bone-splitter” type pistol, a “bone-crusher” type shotgun or an “emulsifier” type bazooka. An artist in New Zealand has decided to make an equally ridiculous weapon: an assault rifle made of bones.
According to Mahalski, the creator of the piece, various bones of animals were used to construct the gun, including the skull of the now extinct moa bird. Bidding is now open for it (starting at 3500 dollars), but sadly, the gun is non-working and shoots nothing. Neither bullets nor the skulls of their deceased friends can be launched at our enemies.
New Zealanders have long been referred to as Kiwis, the flightless bird that they adopted as their national symbol. But, their infatuation with another animal menace, cats, now threatens their national identity.
Not only is New Zealand the most filmed country in the world by Peter Jackson (which makes it the most filmed in the world because every frame Peter Jackson directs is solid gold), it’s also the highest concentration of cat owners in the world. A full 28 percent of New Zealanders own one cat, while an additional 20 percent own two or more.
Unfortunately, that amount of cats are doing a real number on the native bird species, so much so that it’s got economist Gareth Morgan’s dander up. While Morgan isn’t suggesting that every New Zealander summarily execute his or her feline (yet), it is time to keep them permanently indoors.
It’s either that, or maybe next time New Zealand should pick a national symbol that can fly away from danger.
In case you’re wondering, it’s a bad idea to drink methanol, a relative of ethanol or as we know it, alcohol. Why is it bad? Because it can make you go blind.
Fortunately, the cure for blindness is booze.
A 65-year-old New Zealand man’s medication turned his vodka into methanol in his stomach. After losing his sight, the man was rushed to the hospital. Since there wasn’t enough medical ethanol on hand, the doctors sent someone out to get some Johnnie Walker Black Label scotch and set up a tube to deposit the hootch directly into his stomach. The scotch competed with the methanol in his stomach, which prevented more of it from being digested.
The man’s sight was saved, but he had a hell of a hangover.
Many people don’t know this, but the Southern Hemisphere is a weird nether region full of contradictions to the reality we call home. For example, while we’re seeing fall weather, they’re enjoying the beginning of spring, even though the calendar clearly says October. It also means that schools are letting out, and the partying may commence.
In Christchurch, New Zealand, one costume party celebrating the end of classes saw 73 arrests. People dressed as maids, genies, doctors, nurses, mummies and more all got charged for having liquor in a liquor-free zone. Also, the party went for 24 hours.
Important societal note: In New Zealand, female terminators are called “sherminators.”
The ending of a marriage is never a good thing, because it means either lengthy divorce proceedings or a death. But when it’s over, you’re still left with the ring and what to do with it.
One woman decided that since she had completely moved on and had no emotional attachment or anything, that the best thing to do with her ring was to launch it into space. Clearly they don’t have FOX News in New Zealand, otherwise the woman would have known that gold is a solid investment that you can depend on when Obama is finished wrecking the economy.
Animals are a dangerous foe on their own (thanks, Mother Nature!), but like robots, they can only get deadlier the more we handle them. And if you’re going to New Zealand, beware the roboduck, creep.
A duck in Wellington, New Zealand, was found with a hole in the lower part of its beak. The Kiwis, being the insane people that they are, decided to give the duck a new friggin’ bill. Yes, in a world where you can’t get a nose job without paying a year’s rent, the doctors in the People’s Glorious Socialist Republic of New Zealand just up and gave one to a duck, who does not pay taxes.
What’s worse, now there is a duck out there with a metallic beak. It’s only a matter of time before it’s mechanized.