… And a kiwi shall lead them

All this because New Zealanders really identify with walking Koosh Balls.
All this because New Zealanders really identify with walking Koosh Balls.

Governments used to do great things. Build great walls. Shoot type-A people to the moon. Cut down entire rainforests through a little chemistry and economic inferiority complexes. And just when it seemed like those days would never come back, a little island nation on the completely other side of the world dares dream of killing every rat, weasel and feral cat on its soil.

New Zealand’s Prime Minister, John Key, unveiled an ambitious plan to eradicate every invasive predator that waves of arrivals from England and other points north introduced in the great immigration push to one day make a live-action adaptation of The Lord of the Rings.

Key’s plan is inspiring because he’s not going after an easy-to-hate species like mosquitoes. No, unlike Bill Gates, he’s not a fair-weather animal warrior. He wants $2.3 billion to kill adorable mammals, including feral cats. Braving the Internet’s wrath is not an accomplishment to take lightly; that’s motherf*ckin’ leadership.

Of course, he has his critics. But the only ones that The Guys take seriously are the ones saying Keys needs $20 billion. We presume this is to build the world’s largest tree-shredder and fund a rodent buy-back program.

So, in the Kiwis’ words, good on ya, Prime Minister! You’re our Warrior of the Week.

Humanity in peril after octopus escapes aquarium

Folks, there’s just no way around it, we’ve had an escape from one of the highest security aquariums in New Zealand. Inky the octopus is at large.

The story reads like long series of errors on the warden’s part. Inky the octopus had capture the hearts and minds of many kiwis. So much so they everyone kind of ignored him in a back room. Authorities say Inky, who was serving time at the National Aquarium of New Zealnd, escaped his tank by squeezing through small gap between the tank and its lid. Security lapse, right there. He then made his way across the floor a matter of feet and made it to a drain pipe that flows out into the ocean. Really, warden? You dug the prisoners an escape tunnel?

And now it turns out that this daring escape happened months ago. New Zealand is only now reporting to the world that a deadly octopus that now knows our secrets has been out there, swimming in the ocean, posing a threat to all humanity. Way to go, kiwis. (You’re welcome for not saying “eight-armed and dangerous.)

h/t James

New Zealand town held hostage by goats

Things are tense in New Zealand today. An entire town is being held hostage, and the captors haven’t made their demands known. They just say “Baa” a lot.

The residents of Blackball say some 16 goats have been terrorizing the town. They report that the goats roaming the town under the cover of night and systematically eating up gardens. The fearsome flock doesn’t seem to have an owner, and residents are ready to fight back.

We can only hope that this isn’t an animal distraction from a bigger planned attack.

Ancient spider stands at attention for scientists

A single spider has been bragging for about 99 million years, according to researchers.

Researchers say a piece of amber found in Myanmar dates back to the days of the dinosaurs. And trapped for all eternity in that amber is a spider showing off his erection. It appears that two ancient daddy longlegs spiders decided to get it on, when they were blindsided by some tree sap. The discovery gives scientists a look at what spider penises looked liked.

In case you were wondering, the tip is shaped like a spatula. There’s an image for the next time you cook.

New Zealand thinks you’d like a glass of elk semen beer

This is the face it makes when they harvest.
This is the face it makes when they harvest.

Is it time for the craft beer movement to come to an end? The Guys really enjoy beer, especially the kind of beer than isn’t crappy. But there’s a part of the craft brewing movement that’s all about extreme things. And it might just have hit its limit.

If the extreme brewing sect ends, you can trace it back to New Zealand, specifically, a stout brewed with elk semen. Choice Bros. calls it a “milked” stout. (Get it guys? Get it? Milked!) It’s been brewed for the Green Man Pub in Wellington, which apparently does something like these every couple years. Back in 2011, it was apple-infused horse semen shots, in 2013, they served syringes of stag semen.

So if you think ingesting alcohol mixed with the seminal fluids of an animal sounds like a good time, here’s your new favorite bar.

Salute the warriors who made New Zealand ostrich-free

Science has just found that humanity is long overdue for a victory lap in New Zealand.

Some time in the 13th century, the Polynesians colonized what today is New Zealand, which was ruled by nine different species of large, flightless birds called “moas.” Some of species stood up to six feet tall. It took humans only 200 years to wipe out all nine species, and that’s without guns.

So strike up the band, raise a glass to those brave warriors who won us a nontuple victory.

New Zealand prime minister goes to the vet

Here in the U.S. we know that our elected officials aren’t good people, but at least we know they’re people. New Zealanders can’t always say the same.

John Key, the prime minister of New Zealand, had to confirm this week that he is not, in fact, a shapeshifting reptile person. No, really. A man filed a formal request under the country’s Official Information Act, which we assume is like our Freedom of Information Act, only there, they actually answer things, instead of giving you documents covered in redaction pen.

Key went to a doctor and a vet to confirm that he isn’t a lizard, all because some guy asked nicely. Can you imagine Barack Obama going to a vet? He’d sooner go to the gyno. And George W. Bush? He won’t tell you about the fact that he had breast reduction surgery in college (he did), you’ll have to wait until he dies to go through his medical records. Decades!

All in all, Key’s non-reptileship is good news for his country and for himself. If he had actually been a reptile man, he would have had to fight William Shatner.

It is (and yet, it isn’t) the most metal gun ever

Borderlands and Borderlands 2 are a pair of games that have ridiculous guns with equally ridiculous names. It’s not unusual to come across a “bone-splitter” type pistol, a “bone-crusher” type shotgun or an “emulsifier” type bazooka. An artist in New Zealand has decided to make an equally ridiculous weapon: an assault rifle made of bones.

According to Mahalski, the creator of the piece, various bones of animals were used to construct the gun, including the skull of the now extinct moa bird. Bidding is now open for it (starting at 3500 dollars), but sadly, the gun is non-working and shoots nothing. Neither bullets nor the skulls of their deceased friends can be launched at our enemies.

Kiwis mull cat internment

Cat nuts have already begun stockpiling cats and have pledged not to let the government take them from their cold, slightly furry hands.
Cat nuts have already begun stockpiling cats and have pledged not to let the government take them from their cold, slightly furry hands.

New Zealanders have long been referred to as Kiwis, the flightless bird that they adopted as their national symbol. But, their infatuation with another animal menace, cats, now threatens their national identity.

Not only is New Zealand the most filmed country in the world by Peter Jackson (which makes it the most filmed in the world because every frame Peter Jackson directs is solid gold), it’s also the highest concentration of cat owners in the world. A full 28 percent of New Zealanders own one cat, while an additional 20 percent own two or more.

Unfortunately, that amount of cats are doing a real number on the native bird species, so much so that it’s got economist Gareth Morgan’s dander up. While Morgan isn’t suggesting that every New Zealander summarily execute his or her feline (yet), it is time to keep them permanently indoors.

It’s either that, or maybe next time New Zealand should pick a national symbol that can fly away from danger.