Category: That Wacky New Zealand

Almost double downing down under

New Zealand, also known as Australia’s little brother, will soon be able to partake in the self-destructive joy that is the KFC Double Down. As the people of the country are known for being a sturdier and hardier group of individuals, this should potentially be cause for celebration. Except, not everyone in New Zealand is keen on the sandwich-zilla making its way into their neck of the woods.

TV cook Annabelle White calls the bunless sandwich a “crime against food” and says there is “absolutely nothing redeeming about this product.”

Normally, I’d call somebody out on using hyperbole, but, in White’s defense, it is a fairly horrific sandwich in appearance. In the article’s picture, the chicken breasts look like a combination of chicken and a hash brown/round, the sauce looks like it might drip all over whatever you’re wearing and the bacon slices mock you. They mock you and your beating (but not for long) heart.

YES! YES! YES!

I can’t stress to you just how Not Safe For Work the link for this story is, and as such, if you click on it at work, you will be fired.

I warn you about it now. Do you understand me?

To repeat, as there will almost no people able to read this story initially, as if they click on the link, they will be fired. The link comes from a news source, but there is glorious rampant nudity in the main image. As such, allow me to sum up the story for you: Ukrainian feminists are fighting sex tourism through nudity.

Yes, you just read that. That is sound logic that SG agrees with.

Again, the link is highly Not Safe For Work. Click at your own risk. You have been warned.

He cries as you fasten your seatbelt extender

Air New Zealand must not have many terrorist attempts on their flights, and it appears they are trying to remedy that. Just in case a would-be underwear bomber was having second thoughts, the airline will play a new pre-flight safety video recorded by fitness guru Richard Simmons.

Simmons famously killed Motown by permanently etching a connection between Little Richard and leotard gunts in his 1980’s war crime, Sweatin’ to the Oldies. It’s good to see him back in his old form, though his bedazzled tank tops prove he never lost it.

We don’t want what New Zealand’s got

This just in: 95 percent of you are disgusting, and a full quarter of you are walking public health saboteurs.

Well, we can’t say that’s true for the entire population. The research was conducted exclusively in New Zealand, so really it’s the Kiwis that are trying to infect us all.

Hippy gets lucky

The controversy over whaling practices are a big deal in Japan, and around the world. But one New Zealand protester took things to the extreme, and now he’ll be serving jail time for it-but not enough of it. Peter Bethune, 45, was accused of trespassing, forcible obstruction of business, assault, property destruction, and violating the firearms and swords control law.

Bethune pleaded guilty to four out of five charges, with the exception of the assault charge, as he claimed it was never his intent to hurt anyone. Bethune allegedly worked with members of the Sea Shepard Conservation Society, and launched a bottle of butyric acid onto the deck of the Shonan Maru No.2, the security escort ship for the fleet, on February 11. On February 15, Bethune cut the ship’s net with a knife and boarded the Shonan Maru No.2.

Apparently, due to admitting his guilt in most of the charges and expressing “deep regret” for his actions, Bethune’s prison sentence was suspended from five years down to two. That’s essentially a slap on the wrist and weird math.

I’m all for protesting for most things that make sense, but once you get to the point where you’re launching acid, and boarding ships with knives, then yeah, you probably deserve to go to jail. Or become a pirate. Whichever comes first.

Bored? Why wait?

“There was nothing else to do.”

That was the actual defense used by Paul Nigel Sneddon of New Zealand. Why exactly was it used as a defense? Because Sneddon plead guilty to drunk driving when officers arrived at the scene, which I’ll now paint for you: Sneddon in his Ford Laser, flipped over, casually drinking another beer.

Talk about a man who utilizes what he has on hand. If he was on the set of The Towering Inferno, he might use the residual flames to light his cigarette. If he was in the Superdome in August of 2005, he might decide to go for a swim. And if he were trapped in an avalanche, Sneddon might very well decide to go for a sno-cone.

Down under round up

Remember the Sex Party of Australia? Yeah, we know, it’s been a very long time, but they’re back, and they’re back with a vengeance. They’ve now begun reporting that the Australian Classification Board has begun rounding up any material depicting women with less than substantially sized breasts in adult publications and film-for an immediate banning. Now, we’re not going to just automatically Godwin the ACB, but, well … we do enjoy snickering when the word “titzi” is spoken.

The reason for this discrimination of the A and A- crowd? The ACB feels that this is a way to prevent pedophilia, in a nutshell. To boil it down, they want to make sure people aren’t turned on and getting all sex-crazed over small breasts, and thus are making sure that all the young-looking women must have really large breasts.

Anyone but me see the basic flaw here?

But wait-there’s more! A burglar broke into the house of the Sciascia family and ran off with an iPod and Xbox. One problem: the legs of Papa Sciascia weren’t exactly up to snuff. The solution? 11 year old Rena grabbed dad’s crutch and gave chase. For 500 meters. The police later tracked down the alleged burglar. Rena’s iPod was lost, but her Xbox was found in a bush near the family’s home. The burglar was never named, for obvious reasons of not wanting to die of embarrassment.